A Bloody Good Time 11.26.09: The Dumbest Moments In Hellraiser History

Posted by Joseph Lee on 11.26.2009

If there's one thing Pinhead knows, it's pain.

Logo courtesy of Benjamin J. Colón (Soul Exodus)

Welcome again to A Bloody Good Time.

Before we get to this week's edition, let's look at some feedback for last week. I attempted to countdown the best vampires and werewolves in order to provide alternatives to the really weak series of films that is The Twilight Saga. Sadly, it appears as though the majority would prefer that trash as it made a ton of money. But I digress.

What replied: A underrated Vampire in a movie was Keifer Sutherland in Lost Boys that movie gets no love but it is a great movie.

I don't really care for The Lost Boys. I certainly didn't think the vampires in that movie were cool at all.

YepYep asks: One question...is the Wolf Man from The Monster Squad supposed to be Larry Talbot? Do they ever call him by any name in that film?

As neverAcquiesce pointed out...they never call him Talbot by name but you're led to believe that it is. Especially considering how faithful they were in recreating the looks of all the other Universal Monsters.

Macho Man wonders: Where's Teen Wolf?

Teen Wolf is not a horror film. I was listing the best werewolves in horror.

neverAcquiesce says: No Monster Squad, no buy. True, I'm an unabashed fanboy for this flick, but that is THE Dracula in my mind: stoic and regal, but merciless and destructive.

Well, I thought just saying "Dracula" along with that picture implied that I was including all of his various incarnations.

The Hitcher asks: So which was your best Werewolf transformation? You didn't say...

Wow, my bad. Yeah it was The Howling. I love that one.

Let's move on to this week's festivities while you eat your Thanksgiving dinner and spend time with your families.



Hellraiser, and it's sequel of Hellraiser II are two of my favorite horror movies of all time. It's a shame that when it comes to sequels, Pinhead suffers by being involved with more turkeys than a story concept that cool should. Why not just adapt some of Barker's stories in the comics? I've read them, and they're pretty good. Instead the series went from Pinhead being all over the place and trying to conquer the world to Pinhead barely being present at all. So it's safe to say that the Hellraiser series has suffered through a lot of stupidity throughout the years. So that's where I come in...it's time to serve up the Ten Dumbest Moments in Hellraiser History.



#10: Julia's Continuity Error in Hellbound: Hellraiser II

There are a lot of inconsistencies within these films. Not only from sequel to sequel, but within the same film itself. The biggest flaw I've noticed in the early films is this one from the first sequel. This is the type of flaw that is infuriating because with a simple edit it could have been fixed. No one was paying attention and thought it would be perfectly okay. And maybe I'm just too hard on them for this particular moment but it bother me every single time I watch it. What am I referring to? Well, how about the first moment you see Julia on the screen, with skin from her return? If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll clear it up for you. Those familiar should skip ahead.

When Frank needed skin, he had to steal his brother's. I'll ignore the fact that Julia is somehow able to keep her own skin because I understand the fact they wanted Claire Higgins to reprise the role. Why not, she's a good actress (not so much here but let's ignore that too). The part that bothers me is when the mummy-esque wrappings are removed, she not only has perfect hair, but her nails are properly trimmed and painted. She also has lipstick and makeup on. Is Hell really that specific with it's bizarre rules? "Okay, we'll let you have your skin back...oh you want to be pretty also? Well here's some lipstick." She's completely made up and even in a series that likes to throw things like "science" and "logic" out the window, this is a mind-boggingly dumb editing error.



#9: Passing up great writers/directors for the remake

I'm not going to even get into the fact that remaking Hellraiser is a bad idea, because we know it is. Not just for creative reasons, either. Sure, the movie more than holds up outside of some cheap light show effects at the end, but we know that already. Financially, you know a Hellraiser remake isn't going to do well whether you do it right (Rated-R) or not (more accessible to the teenage crowd). Hellraiser has a cult popularity, and Pinhead is not as big of a name as Jason or Freddy. Honestly, he's had his time and that's why Clive Barker is killing him off should he ever get around to finishing "The Scarlet Gospels". At least with Freddy there's a monetary reason for resurrecting him: He's always been popular and always made in money. I just can't see why the studios are bothering with Hellraiser. And I'm a fan.

But if you're going to remake it, for crying out loud why would you turn down a draft from Clive Barker? The man who wrote The Hellbound Heart and directed the original gave Dimension Films a draft or treatment (I forget which) and they sent it back. Maybe it wasn't mainstream enough(Clive does like to think outside the box), maybe they wanted a fresher take. I can't say. So next directors Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury were brought in to provide their version. They made the fantastic film À l'intérieur or Inside as it's known in the States. Soon they left and Pascal Laugier, director or Martyrs was brought in. Keep in mind that both directors had love for the original material and approval of Clive Barker, the executive producer. But before you know it, Laugier was gone as well. Since then the project has stalled (which I can't say is a bad thing).

My best guess is that none of these people were making a teenage-friendly Hellraiser, and I have a feeling that a more mainstream version is what Dimension wants. Here's a hint, Dimension: it can't be done. Either do it right or preferably, abandon the project.



#8: Pinhead Holds A Kid For Ransom from Hellraiser: Bloodline

There's a lot of things wrong with Hellraiser: Bloodline so you can expect it to make several apperances on this list. The first of these is this one. Pinhead is the biggest flaw of Bloodline, if you can believe that. But we'll get into his flaws later. This one is part of some elaborate scheme to open the gates of Hell or something equally stupid in order for Pinhead to finally conquer the world. Why does he want to conquer the world? Well..they never really said. So in order to get this inventor to open the gates, he decides the best way to do this is to kidnap his kid and hold him for ransom. Yes. Pinhead has become something less of a demon and more of a felon.

I mean, yeah I can sort of get why he does this...but are you telling me he doesn't have enough power at his disposal to physically force this man to do what he wants? He can summon chains out of thin air, he has rule over the other cenobites! Why does he grab this annoying child and decide it would be best to threaten him. All it does is piss the dad off and he double-crosses Pinhead. Then his future descendants do the same thing! Somehow Pinhead became the Bloodline's mortal enemy even though he didn't start out directly involved. I blame his "brilliant" scheme of abducting children.





#7: Hellraiser: Deader's creation

You have a cliched but at least original film script sitting on your desk. You want to make it but are afraid that it won't sell well, even if you put somewhat-known actress Kari Wuhrer in it. What do you do? If you're the head of Dimension Studios, you decide to pull the Hellraiser brand out of the mothballs and try to make a few extra bucks. What's that, you say? The story doesn't really involve Hellraiser? Well, rewrite the script to fit some chains and a five minute appearance from Pinhead! And thrown that damn box in, too!

It wasn't a secret that Deader was a story with Hellraiser elements shoehorned into it, but man if you've ever watched this thing, it certainly shows. The box itself makes a very brief scene in the beginning, and outside of some brief flashes and a monologue at the end, Pinhead may as well have not shown up. If I were the screenwriter, I'd feel really bad about myself that the studio had no faith in my script and decided to include a property that was well past it's prime. Then Deader spent about two years on the shelf before being released.



#6: Pinhead talks (and talks...and talks) from Hellraiser: Bloodline

Remember when Pinhead stood in the background with the other cenobites, speaking only when he needed to and being fairly impartial? Those days ended at Hellraiser III and took a turn for the worse in Hellraiser: Bloodline. Pinhead not only talks, he's a downright chatty. Not only does he have more lines of dialogue with the other cast members, but he has full on monologues in which he rattles on about nothing while other people listen or, sometimes, he's alone. Yes, Pinhead likes to talk to himself.

I think the worst (and most unintentionally hilarious) part is when he sees a projection of the Earth as he is hunting down his nemesis. Instead of continuing to look, he decides now would be the perfect time to give his thoughts on the human race. He then realizes he's been talking to a hologram and dies. Yes, you read that right. He talks so much that it kills him. Don't believe me? Watch this clip!





#5: Pinhead...In....Space! from Hellraiser: Bloodline

A few film franchises have tried to send the villain (or hero) into space with usually disastrous results. The best you can hope for in these situations is Jason X. The worst is Leprechaun 4. Bloodline's somewhere in the middle, if only because it's about a third of the movie that is in space and not the entire thing. And the space portion isn't that bad. In fact, it's like the movie might as well have taken place on Earth!

Actually, that's kind of the problem. If the plot is supposed to send the villain into space, you really should attempt to capitalize on that. Let Pinhead float around in zero gravity, have an alien pop in, I don't know. At that point in the film it was doomed anyway. But outside of a sequence involving highly intricate lasers and machinery (are you telling me the man built all of that, rigged it to explode and somehow got it approved?) that kills Pinhead. That's what you saw in the clip above. But while Pinhead being in space is stupid to begin with (does Hell have dominion over outer space?), it's even more stupid that it might as well have been in central New York for all it does with the concept.



#4: Really Lame Cenobites in Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

I think the first two films really spoiled Hellraiser fans with it's awesome looking cenobites. Even though the budget was considerably smaller, the cenobites looked great and were really great examples of how practical effects and makeup can work. Of course there's Pinhead, but you also had the female cenobite with her throat slit open, the fat cenobite with no eyes and Chatterer. Chatterer is my favorite, in terms of appearance. Then in Hellbound you had the really cool-looking Channard cenobite. So it was going to be interesting to see how they upped the ante in Hellraiser III, when Pinhead had full control and free reign to make anyone into his lackeys.

Apparently Pinhead had some bootleg cenobite making material, or he's really just not that creative. Let's run through the list. You've got a fat one that is wrapped in barbed wire and shoots flames from it's mouth. Not bad. Next up, a girl who can smoke through her throat. It's sort of reminiscent of the female cenobite in the past two films so I can see how it works. The next one is a half-man, half camera. Yes...Camerahead. He can use his camera to blow things up and put holes in people's heads. Okay....and after him is CD. Who has music CD's embedded in his skull...and he can also throw them at people to kill them. Then there's the guy with the Piston running through his head constantly.

Do I really need to provide commentary on how stupid these new Cenobites were?





#3: The Misuse of The Mythos from Hellraiser: Hellseeker

Hellraiser: Hellseeker is a great example of how "bait and switch" works. Hellseeker was being promoted as the movie in which Ashley Laurence returns as Kirsty Cotton. Presumably this was going to be for one final and epic showdown with Pinhead. Having been a fan of the series for a long time, even though there were some bad entries, I was very excited about this. I think it goes without saying that I love Ashley Laurence, especially her work in the first two films of the franchise. So Hellseeker, even with it's lame title, was one that I kept up to date on and rented the first day it arrived in video stores.

What I got not only featured very little Kirsty, but very little Pinhead, cenobites or any of the Hellraiser elements. It was a lame carbon copy of Inferno, only with a lesser actor (or at least Dean Winters giving a lesser performance, I heard he was great elsewhere) in the main role. Kirsty appears almost as much as Pinhead was by this point and it was completely unfair to the character to treat her like that. The dumbest part about this moment is that there were plenty of scenes which referenced the old series and there was a showdown of sorts between the two. But they cut them so the uninitiated fan would not be left out. Do you really think that the average person is going to get the fifth Hellraiser sequel in the first place? It's only fans at this point. And even if they did, it's clearly a sequel so no one is going to be like, "dur...where did all of this stuff come from?" Another blunder from Dimension in a series of them.



#2: Pinhead Takes the Lead in Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

This isn't so much of a slight on Hellraiser III (which I'll admit is a guilty pleasure of mine) but the start of a trend that ruined the Pinhead character and ended up resulting in the horrid Bloodline, which has been covered more than I need to again. But those problems can be chalked up to Paramount Studios, during their cup of coffee in having the rights to the series, deciding that Pinhead was the most popular character so he should be shoved to center stage. Yes, Pinhead is popular. But I think by beefing up his role like that you're kind of missing the point.

Pinhead is meant to be Hell's Referee, as I've seen him called before. He's an impartial demon that takes souls away to Hell if they open the box. He probably enjoys his work, but he's not evil or good. He just exists. In Hellraiser III they explain that his "death" in the previous film freed him from Hell's rules as well as the good side of his personality. That's a shoddy explanation in order to turn Pinhead from an interesting character into a generic villain bent on world domination. Hellraiser III began the chatty, evil Pinhead that almost killed the character, and at the very least is the reason he was significantly reduced in all the sequels after Bloodline. But the source of Hellraiser's problems is not what they did to Pinhead, but who the rights were sold to when Paramount was finished with them.



#1: Dimension Films Purchases the rights to Hellraiser.

Six of the previous nine entries can be attributed to Dimension Films. Six of the dumbest moments in the series happened under this company's watch because they bought what they thought was a popular franchise and then had no idea how to handle it. As a result of the purchase it led directly to Bloodline and then four direct-to-video sequels, the best of which was Inferno and then they all got worse from there. The reason there is barely any Pinhead in the sequels, the reason that when there was he was an annoyance instead of a scary villain and the reason the remake is doomed to failure: Dimension Films.

I really need to say nothing else about this except point out the examples above as to why this studio never should have bought the rights to this series. They just had no idea what they were doing. I'm not sure they even watched the first movie, let alone read the novella it was based on. That's a dumb move in itself, the aftermath of which led to so many others in Hellraiser's long, sad history.

That's it for me this week. Next week I begin a look at some bad films. A month or two ago I counted down the best sequels in horror, and next week I'm going to look at the worst. Will Bloodline make it? Probably. But you'll have to read to found out the others.