A Fool's Utopia 11.26.09: Thanksgiving Guide to TV

Posted by Ron Martin on 11.26.2009

This week in one man's utopia we take a look what you should be watching on Thanksgiving as well as things I am thankful for, the one bad Peanuts special, bed bugs and Run DMC.

I don't know if anyone realizes it, but uh…it's Thanksgiving. Yeah, that's right. I wouldn't lie to you about something like that. Hopefully you're going to see my third annual Guide to Thanksgiving TV before your day is gone. If you do, bully bully for you. If you're coming into this thing late, grab a turkey leg, some leftover mashed potatoes and piece of pumpkin pie and settle in, there's still time to salvage your night.

Without further adieu because you want to know what to watch and I want to tell you what to watch, I give to you the….

GUIDE TO THANKSGIVING TV

9:00 AM – Noon: Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade NBC, CBS



I saw it every year but no one listens. I know you've seen the parade a hundred gazillions times over, but every parade it watchable for three reasons. 1) It's a snapshot of pop culture in that time and that place. You can watch this parade 100 years from now and get a pretty good feel for 2009. 2) The probability of something going wrong is always high. I've heard it said that people watch NASCAR to see crashes. I would like to add to that argument that people watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade to see bad lip syncing, over the top political correctness and to have a chance to see Garfield or Popeye run away, strike a lightpost or just float into the air never to be seen again. Unfortunately, the weather in New York today doesn't seem like it would create that kind of an atmosphere, but there are balloons and tight city streets, there is hope.

12:00 PM – 12:30: The Brady Bunch, TVLand



I have a bone to pick with TVLand. In years previous, I filled these little half hour voids by turning to TVLand for a timeless Lucy episode. Now I have to watch The Brady Bunch and pray that it's not a Bobby or Cindy episode. With any luck, we'll get a little Johnny Bravo action or the episode where Peter tries to get a guy who looks just like him to go on a date with another girl because he has wackily set up two dates for the same night! What a nut! What else are you going to watch? The terrible thing that passes for a pregame show in the eyes of FOX?

12:30 – 1:00: NFL Football Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions, FOX



It'll be nice to see what the Lions uniforms look like again. It's been so long since they've been on TV, I forgot. As an added bonus, we get to see what kind of concoction FOX has come up with since the turducken is most likely retired along with John Madden. Chris Collinsworth, what are you bringing to the table, man? Wait a minute. Doesn't he have some sort of award or something he gives out? Regardless, it's always good to see the robot turkey with the helmet on. Fortunately, without Matt Stafford playing, this game will only take about a half hour before it's over. Then the viewing audience will consist only of fantasy players who have Packers on their team. Talk about a feast.

1:00 – 2:00: Home for the Holidays: The History of Thanksgiving, History Channel



You might be eating around this time, so who cares what's on the tube? Might as well be the history of the very holiday in which you get to commit one of the seven deadly sins without fear of repercussions. I'll let you figure out which sin you want to commit. Some people look at a fully cooked whole turkey and think gluttony. Others think lust. I'm not here to judge. The History Channel does a fine job with these looks into various holidays. Seriously, is it going to kill you to learn something? Wonder if they'll mention that the Pilgrims who shared the original Thanksgiving feast later warred with and took the land of the very Indians they broke bread with.

2:00-4:00: Uncle Buck, E!



There is a stipulation here. If you've never seen Uncle Buck, you can't waste your first time watching on TV. Go buy it on DVD, watch it, then watch it on TV. It's amazing how my brain works. There's not a lot of cussing or nudity or anything, but you don't want to hear someone who sounds like Eddie Murphy yelling out "bottom" in place of an errant use of the word "ass" during your first Uncle Buck experience. Do it for John Hughes! Watch his (and possibly John Candy's) most underrated film. Sure, you'd rather have Trains, Planes, but take what you can get and BE THANKFUL for it. As an added bonus, if you have seen the film, by this time the Tryptophan has kicked in and you can take a quick nap.

4:00 – 5:00: NFL Football, Oakland at Dallas

Are the NFL schedulemakers trying to kill football on Thanksgiving? Sure, Oakland pulls off a surprise win here and there, but they are worse than Detroit and they're not even at home. Oakland without the Black Hole just isn't worth watching. Surely, the Cowboys will put on a show --- wait, they've score 14 combined points in two weeks. The pitiful thing about the entire Dallas situation is that they won one of those games. Good news is that like the previous game, this one will be over before you turn it. Better news, with the game likely being the Bore Bowl, there will be plenty of shots of the cheerleaders.

5:00 – 6:00: Newhart, WGN



Nothing says Thanksgiving like Newhart. In the absence of a Lucy marathon, you might as well flip around the channels and hit all the old school sitcoms. Newhart was one of my favorites in the 80s, not only because I had quite the crush on Julia Duffy, but also it's a funny show. I watched a couple of episodes on WGN's Outta Sight Retro Night a few days ago and the rural Vermont humor still holds up. You can do a lot worse than a couple of episodes of Newhart.

6:00 – 8:00: The Princess Bride, FMC



The Princess Bride may not be a traditional holiday season movie, but it sure feels like it should be. With Survivor Series no longer taking place on Thanksgiving evening, you can still watch Andre the Giant beat some ass. We should all be so lucky as to have baby Fred Savage kick off our holiday seasons. Sure, there's the whole subplot of murder, kidnapping, poisoning, rape and blackmail, but you're going to get that with any family get together, right?

8:00 – 9:00: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, ABC



Charles Schulz seemed to get everything right with Peanuts. This is no exception. I will always feel Good Ol' Charlie Brown's pain as he makes a feast of toast, popcorn and jelly beans for his friends to eat off a ping pong table. That's my meal just about every night, Chuck. I still want to know what kind of green ice cream he uses. If you need more of a wrestling fix, there is a five star battle between Snoopy and a lawn chair that is not to be missed. You may be wondering why they've blocked off an hour for a half hour special. I'll tell you a little bit later in the RETRO. If you need to use the second half hour as a bathroom break to create more room for leftovers, feel free to do so.

9:00 – 10:00: There's a Rhino In My House, Animal Planet

I have no idea what this is, but based on the title alone – I'm sold.

10:00 – 12:00 AM: Home Alone, FX



It's late. You've been stuffing your face all day and can barely find the motivation to get up even when it's a bathroom emergency. In this situation, Home Alone is the best thing possible to watch. If you're like me, it's been a few years since you watched it. There's nothing wrong with reacquainting yourself with the film. However, it's not so awesome that you would feel guilty should you fall asleep in your favorite armchair fifteen minutes in. It's a good transition out of the Thanksgiving holiday and into the month long celebration known as Christmas in that the movie takes place at Christmas, but Christmas isn't overly played out during the film.

That's what you should be watching in the Year of Our Lord, 2009. It's a pretty fair if not explosive list. No worries, I am working on a special to air next year. Tell me what you think: MILFS vs. Cougars. Scantilly clad mature women wrestling in various flavors of pudding. That's how I'm selling it.

-- Seeing how it is Thanksgiving and all, I figured I'd rattle of a few things that I'm thankful for. Start each of these sentences with the words, "This year I am thankful for…"

…Steven Tyler not breaking his face completely when he fell off a stage. Sure my concert was cancelled, but without the tour being stopped we couldn't get all of this nonsensical Aerosmith drama. Amazing how a band can be drama free for 25 years and then all of a sudden they can't stay out of the news? Maybe 60 is the new 30 and people start freaking out because they're old?



…that Carrie Prejean has a sex tape that is reportedly very naughty. I'm not going to buy it or anything, but it will eventually leak somewhere for free and that will be a glorious day.

…the Twilight series. All of my friends that have secretly been in the closet have now been outted for their incomprehensible love of a vampire vs. a werewolf for the love a human (that's the story, right?). Now I know. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

…Monday Night Football. Three times I have went into the Monday Night Football game leading in fantasy football with the opposing team having but a running back left and needing a very makeable amount of points. Thanks to two injuries and Chris Johnson being kept out of the endzone, I have been victorious all three times. If I hold on to make the playoffs, Monday Night Football.

…the invention of the Axe Murderer. Not the slasher movie type axe murderer, but the drink. It's got about 7 shots in and allows me to get stinking drunk on bowling nights for ten dollars + tip. That buys two. Two is all you need.



…Erin on The Office. Not only do I like her dynamic with both Pam and Andy, but it's nice to have some new eye candy every once in awhile. She makes a kickass Ogre Fionna to boot.

…Saturday Morning cartoon DVDs. They have one for the 60s; they have one for the 70s and I can only assume we will be treated to an 80s collection before long. DVDs full of cartoons that aired on Saturday Mornings? Brilliant.

…Hypocrisy. I knew the time would come when all the Patriots fans would get caught. Their team got caught cheating, yet they still complain about perceived cheating in other sports. Most recently, I called out a NASCAR fan, who is also a noted Patriots fan, who was bitching about Jimmie Johnson cheating. I have never watched more than a lap of NASCAR, but was quick to show him the hypocrisy of his ways. Yeah, I'm an ass.



…Volcano Nachos. Damn those things are good.

…The Holiday movie season. This movie seasons sucks so badly that I am saving a ton of cash by not going to the theater. I'm not even bothering with the Five Buck Club for the next couple of months.

Have you ever used the word "jellies" and meant footwear? Have you ever attempted a moonwalk? Do you still complain that video games cost $.50? If you do, then perhaps you should get down with a little RETRO!!!

I'm going to start with what I alluded to earlier in the column. It's likely that if you hang around long enough after A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, you'll catch a glimpse of "The Mayflower Voyagers." This is the story of the Mayflower and her pilgrimage across the Atlantic starring the Peanuts gang. Sound good? It really isn't.



"The Mayflower Voyagers" was one of a mini-series of Peanuts specials about the history of America. These were aired in the late 80s and "Voyagers" is the only one of them that ever sees the light of day anymore. The problem? These series not only showed full grown adults alongside the gang, but were devoid of the self deprecation and insights of the strip or the other specials. The This is America just doesn't hold up with all other televised specials. Maybe it was because Schultz already had the story written for him with little leeway to expand upon. Whatever the reason, the entire series is skippable.

And now a more serious issue…



BED BUGS!!

I don't know who made this game for sure, but if it's not Milton Bradley, I'll eat my sock – at least I know where it's been. I am pretty sure that it would take the sick bastards at Milton Bradley to turn a monstrous, disturbing event like having bed bugs and turn it into a game for ages 4 and up. Unlike the bugs you are likely to find at a local discount motel near you, these bugs are color coded. However, much like the beds found at a local discount motel near you, the bed vibrates sending the bugs every which way they want to go. The object of the game is to collect your color of bugs and be the first one to get all yours off the bed. Why you would just want to exterminate a portion of the bugs as opposed to the entire bunch is never quite explained. Is it safe to sleep in a bed that only has green and yellow bugs? Are the red bugs more dangerous? This is why I'm not invited to focus groups.

Forgotten Music Video



You can never go wrong with Run DMC. I recently rediscovered this song on Guitar Hero: Aerosmith and realized not only was the riff freaking awesome but this may be one of the most underrated Run DMC songs ever. Certainly it's the most underrated video because the boys knew how to make a successful music video. 1) Look cool. 2) Get a good guitar riff 3) Spend how much ever money you need to, to secure the services of Bud Melman. These are the reasons these guys are legends. Other than that, this is your typical Run DMC video – solid.

Random Shot from Random SNES game I owned

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

November 26, 1986

#1 Song



"Human" by The Human League

#1 Album



Third Stage by Boston

#1 Movie



Crocodile Dundee

I must leave you now.