Misunderstood Masterpieces 12.01.09: Miss March
Posted by Will Helm on 12.01.2009
...or, Kicking Off the Worst Films of 2009 with The Whitest Kids U'Know
2009 was a very interesting year when it comes to films. First, there were very few GREAT blockbusters this year; Star Trek which was far better than I think anyone expected reigns as the best reviewed and most successful blockbuster of the year. Other than the adventures of (SPOILER ALERT!) alternate-reality Kirk, Spock, and such, the year's films seemed to exist in a lackluster limbo, with some reaching down into their own cinematic Hell: the Worst Films of 2009.
I wonder how many reviewers used the phrase "A can't miss film."
Strangely, unlike past years, there were no Friedberg and Seltzer "masterpieces" or Uwe Boll video-game adaptations to blow away the competition for Worst Film of 2009. Instead, 2009 will be remembered as the year of the disappointing big-budget film, the year when critics and movie-goers decided to agree to disagree, with the reviews and revenues of some of the biggest films of the year having no correlation whatsoever. Though two films make the cut by having their DVDs released prior to this list, there are a few honorable mentions which will certainly be covered next year after their respective DVD releases: Old Dogs, which just hurts my brain and will probably be another film where Seth Green is grossly underused; Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, referred to more than once as the most disappointing Harry Potter film of the series; and the current box-office champion, The Twilight Saga: New Moon. I have nothing more to say about the third film other than that I rue the fact that I'll have to cover yet another film in this detestable series.
As mentioned before, though, there were few, if any, comedies grouped among the worst of the year, as Friedberg and Seltzer decided to take the year off. Thankfully. Among this year's comedies, though, two films stood above the rest with reviews that were painfully bad, marking their inclusion upon this list: Year One and Miss March. Alas, as there were far worse films released this year than these two comedies, only one film could make the cut. As a personal editorial decision, since I generally have faith in the talents of Jack Black and Michael Cera, I chose to include Miss March in this list, rather than the aforementioned failed historical comedy. Miss March, stemming from two of the minds behind the quite funny comedy troupe The Whitest Kids U'Know, grossed a little over $4 million in March and April of 2009; with a box-office take like this, it's no surprise that the film was savaged by critics, earning a mind-numbing 4% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes.com. Year One, meanwhile, garnered a 15% Fresh rating, so Miss March "wins" that auspicious honor and inclusion in the Misunderstood Masterpieces Worst Films of 2009. Was it a correct decision, or should I have watched Year One instead? Let's find out!
"If I lift my eyebrow just so, you'll think I'm thinking dirty thoughts. I'm so clever."
Sometime in the recent past, two annoying kids crawl around a house on pillows because the house is filled with deadly, hot lava! Well, not really, but the kids are either really imaginative or are tripping balls on acid. Alas, as kids having drug-induced hallucinations isn't the paradigm of comedy quite yet, the reason proves to be the former as the kids then start talking about an older brother's Michael Jordan rookie card Don West approves! which they intend to steal. Probably so they can sell it for some high-powered blotter paper. In the older brother's room, the kids do find a few basketball cards though, at best, a Steve Kerr rookie among them and, as a surprise, an issue of Playboy! Though the younger brother protests, his buddy grabs the magazine and they both learn about female anatomy together, which leads to the buddy becoming a total pervert, but the brother a straight-laced Puritan.
Years later, in high school, the buddies straight-laced Eugene (Zach Cregger, last seen in College) and perverted Tucker (Trevor Moore, who sounds disturbingly like WWE wrestler Edge) hang out on the periphery of a women's phys ed class, where Tucker ogles his classmates until some tough epileptic chick (Molly Stanton) beats him up, much to his classmates' entertainment. Later that afternoon, Eugene and Tucker head over to the local middle school, where Eugene is hosting an abstinence seminar with his virginal HOT CHICK girlfriend, Cindi (Raquel Alessi). After a brief introduction, Eugene and Cindi present their case for waiting to bury the bone, during which Eugene tells a story of his crazy brother who got syphilis from some girl, who he then got pregnant with a crackhead baby, even though neither were on crack at the time. Either she was cheating on him, or actually this was a post-production edit, as, according to IMDB.com, the baby was originally supposed to be a "retard," but the word was overdubbed to avoid controversy. In a goofy comedy. Yeah. The lesson here: retards have better PR than crackheads. And then, just to put an exclamation point on their sermon, Eugene and Cindi move on to a slide show guaranteed to scar the children's psyches for life. And to think they could be learning how to peacefully masturbate if abstinence education wasn't the standard in public schools.
If Jack White ever needs a stunt double, Trevor Moore is ready.
That evening, Eugene climbs a tree to spy on Cindi, but absolutely nothing happens as he then texts her to let her know he's there and, instead of her giving him a sexy striptease, they just chat. Things do take a turn for the risque, however, when Eugene invites Cindi to a party after their prom and Cindi reveals that she wants Eugene to plumb her depths, instead. Eugene, though reluctant, agrees after some deliberation and sets the date for just after the prom. Dum-dum-DUM!
On the day of the prom, Eugene asks Tucker for advice and Tucker, in a manner of speaking, has one word for his buddy: manscaping. Eugene refuses which is probably an ill omen for the rest of the night, and then Tucker also reveals that he hired a local rapper to pick everyone up and drive them to the prom. Though it would seem, by their conversation, that the rapper the curiously named Horsedick.MPEG (the ubiquitous Craig Robinson) would be picking up Cindi before everyone else, he actually arrives at Eugene's house first in his giant SUV/limousine, complete with the requisite "hoochies." The limousine then arrives at Cindi's house, where her terrified parents look on as Eugene picks up their daughter and a topless chick pops out of the car's sunroof, just to say "Hi!"
After the prom, which must have been too boring to include in the film, everyone ends up at the after-party, where some guy smashes cabinets for no reason. Strangely, this doesn't turn off Cindi, as she's still in the mood for a little Eugene lovin', so she runs off to get herself ready for him. Eugene, meanwhile, heads to the kitchen with Tucker, who gives him a pep talk and gets him drunk, just so he doesn't go off too quickly with Cindi. Now inebriated, Eugene, rather than going upstairs to get with Cindi, goes down . . . the basement stairs and gets knocked out after a convoluted series of events.
Just like Playboy nowadays, she doesn't show anything either.
Four years later, Tucker beans Eugene's near-lifeless body with a baseball bat, awakening Eugene from his coma. After regaining his senses, Eugene freaks out and craps himself; later, regardless of the incontinence, a doctor (Cedric Yarbrough) gives Eugene a good prognosis . . . and marvels at Eugene's prodigious poop. He's a professional! After the doctor takes his leave, wherein he probably makes fun of the hospital's retards crackheads, Tucker provides Eugene with a little exposition: apparently Cindi ditched Eugene and headed off to college, after which she dropped out and disappeared, much to Tucker's and Eugene's chagrins.
While Eugene starts on his long road to recovery, Tucker heads over to the local discount store, where he's a photographer. Once there, Tucker sets up a portrait for a family by hitting on the HOT CHICK mom, which proves to make an uncomfortable and awkward picture. After this, Tucker calls it a day while his manager scolds him for getting "artistic" and grabs a Playboy off some dorky co-worker . . . where he learns that Cindi isn't missing anymore: she's Playboy's Miss March! With this IMPORTANT PLOT POINT in hand, Tucker races to the hospital to tell Eugene, who, of course, craps himself upon hearing the news. Later, while Eugene gets cleaned up by his angry Latina nurse (Carla Jimenez), Tucker hatches a scheme in which Eugene can claim Cindi as his own after all these years: they're going to the Playboy Mansion, where Cindi will surely be for a party that weekend. Of course, Eugene has to learn how to walk again first, but that's totally insignificant when true love is involved.
"Hi! I've somehow been in every movie made in the past five years."
After Tucker heads out for the night, Eugene reminisces about Cindi and then talks to his father on the phone, who blows him off to talk to some Japanese businessmen instead. Meanwhile, Tucker and the tough epileptic chick from high school whose name is actually Candace go out for a date at a fancy restaurant. Once there, Candace gives Tucker a 13-month anniversary present: a pipe just like the one Hugh M. Hefner the esteemed founder of the Playboy empire has, much to Tucker's delight. Somehow, this leads to Tucker later breaking into the hospital to kidnap Eugene because, for reasons heretofore unrevealed, Candace wants to kill Tucker. After Tucker and Eugene escape the scene, Tucker explains just what happened earlier: he got Candace a stripper pole for their anniversary, which she surprisingly enjoys. Somehow, the feeling of being a single-mom with a GED gets Candace all hot and bothered, so she elects to hob Tucker's knob, which is fun until Tucker flips on a strobe light, which causes Candace to have a seizure. Tucker, now with his epileptic girlfriend latched onto his member, stabs her in the face with a fork, totally ruining the mood . . . and fueling her desire for REVENGE.
Lesson #2: retards have better PR than crackheads AND those with epilepsy.
As Tucker and Eugene flee from the hospital, thanks to the fact that Candace's brother is a psychotic firefighter, two firetrucks attack Tucker's station wagon as if it's a Spanish galleon on the high seas. The raid doesn't last long, however, as the station wagon just happens to have better a better turning radius than the firetrucks, easing Tucker and Eugene's escape. Now free from the dangers of being hacked to death by firefighters, Tucker and Eugene hear a Horsedick.MPEG song on the radio and they decide to use their buddy's fame to get them into the Playboy Mansion.
While Tucker and Eugene rest easy on their way to Chicago to meet up with Horsedick.MPEG, the firefighters put out a bounty on Tucker's head, tapping an apparent national network of psychotic firefighters who just love REVENGE! Meanwhile, Tucker and Eugene stop to get gas and clothes for Eugene, who's still clad in his hospital gown. While Tucker goes shopping and is distracted by nudie magazines, Eugene, still in the throes of muscle atrophy, tries to get gas with hilarious results. Although I use the term "hilarious" very loosely; it's really only funny for those who are fans of man-ass. Myself, however: not a fan. As Eugene is raped by the wind, Tucker calls Candace to sort-of apologize, even though she still wants to kill him.
She looks awfully happy for a chick who gets stabbed in the face with a fork.
After their little pit stop, Tucker and Eugene hit the road again and Eugene dreams of Cindi, who's now apparently angry and slutty because Eugene had the audacity to fall into a coma on their prom night, or so Eugene's subconscious believes. The horror of this possibility jerks Eugene awake, which is convenient, as he finds Tucker asleep at the wheel. Rather than die in a fiery wreck a day after he wakes from a coma, Eugene makes Tucker stop at a motel, where, rather than rest, the buddies argue until Tucker demonstrates proper romancing etiquette with a bathrobe and his pipe. Yet again, a convoluted series of events kicks in, after which Tucker burns down the motel and the firefighters show up . . . looking to put out the fire . . . and for REVENGE! Since there's much more left in the movie, Tucker and Eugene escape yet again.
Eugene, unsurprisingly, is a little upset with his best friend, mainly because they have no money and he's a total screw-up. Case in point: Tucker left his pipe behind in the ruins of the motel and Candace finds it there, fueling her desire for further REVENGE! Meanwhile, in Chicago, Horsedick.MPEG shoots a video with a bevy of scantily clad HOT CHICKS, after which he and the guys reunite and, after a cursory explanation of what's been going on in the movie, Horsedick.MPEG agrees to take the guys to the Playboy Mansion.
Rather than hop on a plane, as would be logical in this situation, Eugene and Tucker hop on Horsedick.MPEG's "party bus," where Horsedick.MPEG offers up one of his hoochies to take Eugene's virginity. Eugene refuses, as he's saving that load for Cindi, so Tucker takes his place. While Tucker retires to a bedroom with one of the hoochies, Eugene gets stoned with Horsedick.MPEG. Meanwhile, in the bedroom, the hoochie sets the mood by lighting a match for no apparent reason and then bouncing out an improbably open window, much to Tucker's horror. While Tucker retires to his bunk and freaks out, Horsedick.MPEG starts bragging about getting it on with Playmates, including Cindi, which riles Eugene enough to make him crap himself. Horsedick.MPEG, unsurprisingly, takes this as a personal affront and throws Tucker and Eugene off his bus and, like Candace before him, swears REVENGE!
Hugh M. Hefner: The epitome of cool since 1953.
Now on the side of the road in the middle of the desert, Eugene freaks out at Tucker but, surprisingly, holds in his solid waste, so Tucker tries to cheer up Eugene and confesses that he misses Candace, even though he stabbed her in the face with a fork and she wants him dead. I guess that's what passes for romance nowadays; after all, I have seen Twilight, so it's all confusing anyway. After Tucker and Eugene reconcile, they try and hitchhike, which actually works probably better than they expected when two scary German HOT CHICK lesbians (Eve Mauro and Alexis Raben) pull up and offer them a ride to Los Angeles. The guys agree and the scary German HOT CHICK lesbians even let Tucker drive . . . so that they can get it on in the back seat, which leads to Tucker ramming into a telephone pole. Freudian symbolism!
While Tucker and Eugene drive the remarkably cool scary German HOT CHICK lesbians into Los Angeles, Candace discovers Tucker's whereabouts and follows, still bent on REVENGE! Eventually, Tucker and Eugene arrive at the Playboy Mansion, where they attempt to use the remarkably cool scary German HOT CHICK lesbians to get past the bouncer, but to no avail as just the remarkably cool scary German HOT CHICK lesbians get in instead. Then, just to make matters worse, a slew of firefighters shows up in search of Tucker; Tucker and Eugene, to their credit, use the arrival of the firefighters to their advantage, as they don firefighter uniforms to gain access to the party. Wow . . . it's just like a point-and-click adventure!
While Candace beats up a bouncer and get into the party, Eugene goes off in search of Cindi while Tucker cruises for HOT CHICKS and fails miserably. After striking out multiple times, Tucker then finds Sara Jean Underwood, Playboy's 2007 Playmate of the Year who, like Carmella DeCesare before her, got breast implants after her PMOY reign, which I totally don't understand; evidently being Playmate of the Year isn't good enough for some people's body image and her adorable little dog, Puddles. While Tucker ham-handedly attempts to hit on Sara, she lectures him about dog rescues, which somehow makes his pornography addled brain think about bestiality. OK then.
The Rated-R Superstar might not be in this movie, but it sure sounds like he is.
Perhaps as a measure of atonement, Tucker volunteers to take Puddles for a walk and, instead, finds that it makes him irresistible to HOT CHICKS, even when Puddles takes a leak in some HOT CHICK's champagne. Inside the Mansion, Eugene finds Horsedick.MPEG, who still wants REVENGE for the personal affront earlier in the film, even though Eugene has a perfectly good excuse. Back outside, Tucker tries to get Puddles to urinate on command, since the HOT CHICK enjoyed the taste yes, she's evidently urophilic, but freaks out and throws the glass and Puddles off a balcony when the HOT CHICK and Sara catch him in the act.
Inside the mansion, Eugene searches for Cindi while Tucker stumbles upon the infamous Grotto, where HOT CHICK frolic in various states of undress . . . and Candace catches him ogling them. Tucker freaks and runs into the Mansion, where Eugene finally find Cindi and freaks out, which earns him the ire of a bouncer, who forcibly ejects Eugene from the scene. Tucker, meanwhile, searches for a place to hide and, in the process, he finds the remarkably cool scary German HOT CHICK lesbians, one of which picks a lock with her tongue to hasten Tucker's escape. Eventually, Tucker bumbles his way into Hef's study, where he finds Hef and they have a chat about how to be awesome, mainly about how Hef is and Tucker isn't.
In the bowels of the Mansion, Eugene is trapped in an interrogation room by an over-zealous bouncer and then Cindi pays him a visit. Eugene, rather than confess his true feelings for Cindi, calls her a whore because she dumped his lifeless carcass in the hospital while she moved on with her life. The bouncer, not content to hear one of Hef's charges disparaged, punches Eugene a few times; surprisingly, Eugene keeps control of his bowels during the whole ordeal.
Something about her seems a bit different since her Playmate of the Year stint . . .
Back in Hef's study, Hef gives Tucker some advice and then confesses his love for a freaky neighbor from back in the day whose death inspired him to found Playboy . . . or something like that. This leads to Tucker having an epiphany regarding his relationship with Candace and then Hef turns on Tucker and reports him to security. Hugh Hefner: evil genius. Back in the interrogation room, Cindi tells Eugene that she became a "model" which is usually a euphemism for "porn star" or "high-class escort" to pay for his convalescence and didn't abandon him at all. Ah, just what this movie needed: a murky moral core. Upon hearing this, Eugene freaks out at Tucker because he believes Tucker never told him; meanwhile, flashbacks prove that Tucker never knew because he didn't understand the angry Latina nurse.
Eventually, Tucker and Eugene are both ejected from the premises and, in the process, the firefighters and Horsedick.MPEG's posse discover them and swoop in to exact their respective REVENGES! While Horsedick.MPEG corners Eugene, the firefighters strap Tucker down to a stump and prepare to behead him; before they do, Tucker apologizes to Candace in his own way and she accepts, ruining the firefighters' REVENGE! Meanwhile, Eugene gives Horsedick.MPEG a stern talking-to until Cindi shows up out of nowhere and reveals that Horsedick.MPEG couldn't have gotten it on with her as he has no genitalia. His posse, being skeptical, pulls down his pants and discovers that her claim is true! Hooray for disturbing homoeroticism and graphic visuals! With the conflicts resolved, Eugene apologizes to Cindi and they make up, which makes Hef cry and invite everyone back into the Mansion. Once there, Tucker gets Eugene drunk again and then Eugene gets it on with an oddly nonchalant Cindi . . . and then he craps himself.
Something tells me I should have watched Year One, because it has to be at least funnier than Miss March. Though I will admit that there are a handful of funny scenes and/or amusing lines in the film, Miss March is largely a dull plod that beats one joke uncontrollable defecation to a disgusting death. As evidenced by their work on The Whitest Kids U'Know, Cregger and Moore are decently funny, but they can't seem to make much of the material they wrote. The film has the lather-rinse-repeat hallmark of an unoriginal comedy road trips featuring wacky hijinks have been done far too many times lately and the lack of exciting or interesting characters adds to the dullness. To be quite honest, the only remotely interesting character is Candace, who seems to be more fully realized than even Eugene or Tucker, since the film clearly defines her personality and motivations, unlike most others in the film. The saddest part of all this is that Miss March seems like it could have been a much better film, but, alas, it ends up as one of the Worst Films of 2009 and a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I feature a film that actually redeems a prior Misunderstood Masterpiece, much to Jean-Claude Van Damme's delight. See you then!
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