411 Movies Roundtable: December 2009 (Part 1)

Posted by Owain J. Brimfield on 12.04.2009

The 411 staff takes a look back at the month that was, and discusses the upcoming big releases in December!

Welcome to the monthly 411 Movies Roundtable, where Christmas bells are ringing and other such seasonal guff. I say "pah" to the festivities, let's instead focus on a bumper month at the cinema with some strong releases coming out this December.

This month's picture theme is typically seasonal, as is always the style this time of year. Seriously, they turned the Christmas lights on in my town over a week ago. Madness.

Also of note, this will be my final column in charge of the Movies Roundtable, which has been a fun column to put together for the past 18 months or so; not always the most popular column in terms of mass appeal, but certainly one of the most informative. It's time though for me to step down and relinquish control to our own Mr. Jeremy Thomas, as part of his silent quest to become the new Csonka and rule over every single column on the site. Don't think I don't know your game, sir!

Anyway, let's get down to business...

Introducing this month's participants:

Master of the "B", Bryan Kristopowitz!

Lord of the Five and One, Steve Gustafson!

Ruler of the Arthouse, Len Archibald!

King of Whedon, Jason Chamberlain!

Once in a blue moon, Mike Gorman!

Emperor of the R's, Shawn S. Lealos!

Heir to the throne and future legend, Jeremy Thomas!

...and, for the very last time, I'm your host, Owain J. Brimfield!

The Month That Was

Bryan Kristopowitz

Biggest Winner of the Month: The people behind New Moon, as it continues to make oodles of money for everyone involved after its gargantuan opening weekend. To a certain extent we all knew it would be big, but this big? Now, the question is will the third Twilight movie do the same business? We'll see in a few short months.

Biggest Loser of the Month: Nicolas Cage, as his vast fortune is apparently not as vast as it used to be (he owes back taxes, he claims his business manager screwed him over). Pretty soon, Cage is going to become just like his Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans co-star Val Kilmer (and that would be a direct-to-video action movie guy, which would be fine with me because I love those kinds of movies, but falling that low that fast has to be bad on the ego I'd imagine).

Biggest Movie News of the Month: Rumors that Avatar is actually costing 20th Century Fox half a billion dollars just to produce is easily the biggest movie news of the month. I mean, think about what that means for both Fox and Avatar director James Cameron. The movie cannot fail in any way, shape, or form. The movie has to do insanely huge business just to break even. Is it even possible?

Your Most Anticipated Movie of the Month: Armored looks fun, The Princess and the Frog looks great, The Lovely Bones, Avatar, Sherlock Holmes and, of course, Alvin and the Chipmunks 2.

Recommended DVD Release of the Month: Terminator: Salvation comes out in various DVD sets... [OK, I'm laying down the law on my last column in charge Bryan, this time you only get one pick, no running through the entire month's release schedule like usual. It's "recommended DVD release", not "releases"!]

Classic Movie of the Month: Popeye Doyle (1986): This is the TV movie starring Ed O'Neill (Al Bundy hisself) as New York City cop Popeye Doyle, a character made famous by Gene Hackman in The French Connection (1971), on the hunt for an assassin that plans on igniting a war in the Middle East. George De La Pena shows up as a Mossad agent that wants to help Doyle find the killer, as does the great Mathew Laurance as Doyle partner. The movie isn't as exciting as The French Connection or French Connection II, as it's limited by its TV budget (it was originally a TV pilot that never got picked up), but O'Neill's presence and ass kicking acting more than makes up for the lack of budget. It's on TV every now and then, so check it out if it's on. It's worth a look.

Movie Quote of the Month: "Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"

- Clark W. Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

Steve Gustafson

Biggest Winner of the Month: Twi...Twi...Twi...Sorry, I just can't bring myself to say it. Maybe I can say 2012? Nah. Speaking of disaster, maybe Michael Jackson's This Is It? I'm kidding. C'mon. What about Polanski since the Swiss seem so intent on letting him free? No, that's kind of a downer. Fine, I'll go with the movie that rhymes with blue dune. That's your big winner of the month. You virgin vampire lovers.

Biggest Loser of the Month: US! I'm talking about the 411mania staff and you, the reader! "Why?", you may be asking? Because this is Owain Brimfield's last go around doing the Roundtable. So make sure you take time to say thanks, because why you enjoy this Roundtable every month, you selfish pollywog's have no idea how much time and effort goes into organizing the wild group that participates in these cinematic opinion opuses. Thank you Owain! You'll be missed! [I love you too, Steve]

Biggest Movie News of the Month: Twi...Twi...Twi...Dang it. How about the power of the tween! Those little gals would not be stopped when it came time to support their love for the weakest vampire movie this side of Once Bitten. But look. I get it. I can't hate on Twi...Twi...ah, forget. To hate on this phenomenon would be disrespecting fans of Star Wars, Star Trek, Spider-Man, X-Men... the list could go on and on. Why should fanboys have a lock on fanatic following? So, to all you tweener folks out there, enjoy! Relish your moment! In 10 years it will be something you'll be ashamed of. I should know. I remember how I felt coming out of Phantom Menace.

Your Most Anticipated Movie of the Month: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Yes, I'm being serious. While it's going to be a good month for movies, I've been anticipating this one for a while now. It looks great and has a story that represents something that's been missing in Hollywood. Creativity.

Recommended DVD Release of the Month: My list begins and ends with The Hangover. Hey, there's a lot of good stuff coming out but the holiday season is stressful enough. Have some laughs!

Classic Movie of the Month: The Princess Bride. Can anyone point out any sort of flaw in this movie? Maybe... Maybe... I would tweak the soundtrack. But really, I love this movie.

Movie Quote of the Month: Norville: What do you do if the envelope is too big for the slot?
Ancient Sorter: Well, if you fold 'em, they fire you. I usually throw 'em out.

- The Hudsucker Proxy

Len Archibald

Biggest Winner of the Month: New Moon - yeah, I said it. I may not like it; I may not want to admit it, but this thing isn't going away anytime soon. On with the sequels, more cash, more squeals for Robert Pattinson and…Yeah. Some people may complain that this is the end of the world. Just do what I do and pretend the movie doesn't exist except when you read something here and there in Variety. I know what I like, those who like the Twilight movies know what they like, and let's just leave it at that. Someone calling another a "Twitard" (which is one of the STUPIDEST insults I've ever heard in my life) is no different than me getting on Owain for not liking The Godfather and calling him… man, it is hard to lower myself to even think of an insult that caters to base intellect. [/end snobby rant] [I swear, that movie has been the bane of my 411 career]

Biggest Loser of the Month: Me, for not understanding what makes Twilight so great. Well, it's been a while since the 15 year old girls and single cougars had their Titanic, as the fanboys and 1980's nostalgia fanatics have dominated the box office.

Biggest Movie News of the Month: New Moon makes a shitload of money. A slew of boyfriends commit suicide in the theater thinking this will be an easy way to score with their dates. I went to see Precious last Friday, and the theater was overflowing with tweens. It was like Roman Polanski's dream come true. I shook my head in disbelief. One of my co-workers have seen it THREE TIMES already. Even I waited for the DVD to watch The Dark Knight a third time.

Your Most Anticipated Movie of the Month: Honestly, there are no less than NINE (including… Nine) films that I am terribly anticipating to see – but honestly, I've been waiting on Avatar for over five years, now. FIVE YEARS, PEOPLE! GIVE ME AVATAAAAARRRRR!!!

Recommended DVD Release of the Month: The Hangover. Tiny-endowed Asians and Mike Tyson singing! A baby jacking off! Blowjobs and gangsters and tigers OH MY!

Classic Movie of the Month: It's December. It's Christmas-time! What says "Happy Holidays!" better than Santa's Slay? The quasi-slasher starring former pro-wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg… okay – I can't even type that with a straight face. Seriously, just go with any version of A Christmas Carol (Alistair Sim's Scrooge is my fave) or It's A Wonderful Life and you're good.

Movie Quote of the Month: "Wha-Whaddya want? The moon? Well, how about I get a lasso and pull it down for ya." - Jimmy Stewart. If you don't know the movie – yeah, I don't think there's much hope for you… you anti-social sociopathic piece of tar. GET OFF THE COMPUTER AND STEP INTO THE REAL WORLD!

Jason Chamberlain

Biggest Winner of the Month: There's this movie called New Moon, you might have heard it, it's got these two, like, totally dreamy guys in it. And there's vampires and werewolves and stuff. Yeah, I saw the movie. It wasn't bad. Better than the first one. Not deserving of the piles of cash it's gathered by any means, but what are ya gonna do? When you can get teenage girls to vote with their wallets, the results can be both disturbing and astounding (see Titanic, or any boy band ever). But we've got an undisputed blockbuster franchise, two new idols that will be popular until they can no longer convincingly play teenagers, and (glass half full here) a renewed interest in reading.

Biggest Loser of the Month: Joss Whedon and his army of Mutant Enemy supporters, of which I am a huge one, for the cancellation of Dollhouse. That marks three out of four Whedon series that were not allowed to end on their own terms (only Buffy came to an end when Joss wanted it to). I enjoyed Dollhouse, although it was certainly number four on my list of favorite Whedon series, but average Whedon is way better than no Whedon and fairly better than most of what's out there. So why did the ratings dive into the shitter? Well, Friday night is certainly one reason. I can scarcely believe that after all these years, networks still think Friday night is anything but a grave yard for television. But hey, I think we can all admit at this point that the types of things Joss Whedon does are not meant for the gigantic crowds that for whatever reason would rather tune in to the 'dancing/skating/singing/boning with the stars' shows that are the bread and butter of network television. That means a network TV show from the Whedon is probably a doomed enterprise from the start. Get this man a decent budget and a slot on the Sci Fi channel, stat! [Seven "Whedon"s in one paragraph... did someone say "fanboy"?]

Biggest Movie News of the Month: Avatar costing 500 mill, if it's true. That is a lot of bank for a movie that'll run a couple hours and be over. I mean, you can make the argument that it's not just about this one movie, that Cameron created new technologies here that will benefit all movies going forward, and that might be true. But I have to say, when a movie costs that much money, it can create a bit of a backlash. People don't like things that cost a lot of money! It may not be our money, but especially in a time when people are out of work and barely scraping by, we're less likely to support people and ventures we perceive to be over paid. I'm just saying, watch for some backlash on this one. And yeah, the bar has been set mighty high for this flick, it's going to have to do some incredible business to be considered a success.

Your Most Anticipated Movie of the Month: Both Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Parnassus have me quite excited, though I don't go to movies on Christmas Day. Holmes looks like a fun romp, the kind of 'blockbuster' you don't generally see in the winter, and Parnassus is intriguing as much for it being Ledger's final bow as its fantastical subject matter and notable director.

Recommended DVD Release of the Month: I'm going off the map here and hyping Better Off Ted season one on DVD. This was a really funny show that debuted last season and (I believe) has been picked up for a second season. Really funny show about a somewhat moral dude working for a completely immoral company and all the zany, unethical projects they come up with. Cloning meat, weaponizing pumpkins, freezing live people... classic stuff.

Classic Movie of the Month: My girlfriend gave me the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles DVD set for my birthday, which is totally awesome. All packed in a sewer grate looking thing. So I'm going with the very first Turtles movie. Man, me and my lame (I meant to say cool) friends used to act out scenes from that flick on the playground during recess. Good times.

Movie Quote of the Month: "You are here because the outside world rejects you. THIS is your family. *I* am your father. I want you all to become full members of the Foot. There is a new enemy: freaks of nature who interfere with our business. You are my eyes and ears; find them. Together we will punish these creatures. These... turtles."

- The Shredder, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Mike Gorman

Biggest Winner of the Month: Team Edward. (See below for explanation)

Biggest Loser of the Month: Me, for knowing who Team Edward and Team Jacob are, and that Team Edward wins because Bella chooses the vampire. I actually paid to see New Moon and I wish to have those two hours of my life back. I feel like this is an action that I will be paying for karmically for a very long time.

Biggest Movie News of the Month: I could go with Avatar's budget or New Moon's dominance but for me the biggest movie news of the month has to be the fact that the avatar of all that is sweet and pure former Miss California Carrie Prejean made not only one but SEVEN sex tapes. Sure some are better than others but you have to give it to her for being prolific. Did I just say "give it to her"? [Yes. Yes you did, Mike.]

Your Most Anticipated Movie of the Month: Well for a long time it was Avatar but now after seeing several trailers I really cannot wait to see Brothers. It looks to be gripping the edge of your seat intense.

Recommended DVD Release of the Month: I hate to be a sheep but I am also going to recommend The Hangover. It really is a truly hilarious movie that doesn't have one "down" moment in my opinion.

Classic Movie of the Month: Well the weather is taking a turn towards the cooler days of winter here and that always makes me think about camping in the snow and fighting off a communist invasion. So my pick has to be Red Dawn. This movie about a group a teen's forming a rebellion when the US is invaded has long been a favorite of mine. It's also a great way to celebrate the life of Patrick Swayze (much better than a Dirty Dancing and Ghost marathon.)

Movie Quote of the Month: "One thing's for sure now... No one can ever go home again. Never." - Jed, played by Patrick Swayze in Red Dawn

Shawn S. Lealos

Biggest Winner of the Month: Satan. With 2012 and New Moon making bucket loads of cash it is obvious someone made a deal with the dark prince.

Biggest Loser of the Month: Fans who like smart movies. With the above mentioned movies making lots of dough, Hollywood can continue with the belief that smart films aren't the way to go and the lowest common denominator will always dominate the box office.

Biggest Movie News of the Month: Sam Raimi announced he is bringing the original Evil Dead back to theaters in 2010. I cannot wait!

Your Most Anticipated Movie of the Month: The Lovely Bones. It isn't even close. Avatar has me interested to see what Cameron can do with this format but nothing comes close to my anticipation for The Lovely Bones. December 15 is when I see it and that date can't get here soon enough.

Recommended DVD Release of the Month: Inglourious Basterds. At this moment in time, that is my favorite movie of the year. I just hope there are some quality extras on it. Tarantino is hit and miss in that area.

Classic Movie of the Month: Gimme Shelter hits Blu-Ray this week so I'll choose that one. It is one of the best concert films of all time and might be the only one that includes an actual murder. [You stay classy, Lealos]

Movie Quote of the Month: "You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, Business is a-boomin'." - Lt. Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt), Inglourious Basterds

Jeremy Thomas

Biggest Winner of the Month: Werewolves. The Twilight Saga: New Moon exploded into theaters with the third biggest opening weekend of all-time. Granted, the reviews were (deservedly) horrible and the second weekend drop was enormous but no one expected this film to be anything more than impossibly front-loaded, and the grosses on this should propel Summit Entertainment along for the next few months quite nicely. On the strength of that and the hype of the coming Wolf Man, a Howling reboot as been greenlit and I'm sure we'll see more of the like coming down the line. Like it or not, Stephanie Meyer is becoming box office gold.

Biggest Loser of the Month: Richard Kelly. The man who is praised (somewhat unjustly, in my opinion) for Donnie Darko failed to strike box office gold despite an A-list star (Cameron Diaz), an Oscar winner (Frank Langella) and a strong marketing push. This is Kelly's second or third miss, depending on whether you liked Darko or not, and one has to wonder how many chances he's going to get.

Biggest Movie News of the Month: It's hard to deny that the extravagant budget of Avatar is huge news. I have little doubt that 20th Century Fox and James Cameron will pull enough out of this to make a profit, but it still has huge implications for movie-making. Movies hadn't even crossed the $300 million mark before, and if the rumors of $500 million are true than I'm sure we'll be seeing even more bloated budgets than usual - or if the film does fail, a shrinking of budgets. Either way, this should be interesting.

Your Most Anticipated Movie of the Month: I wanted to say Avatar or Sherlock Holmes, but The Lovely Bones takes this one hands down. Peter Jackson's first feature since King Kong has a lot to prove and could well be an Oscar contender by this time next month.

Recommended DVD Release of the Month: There's quite a few. Terminator: Salvation, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Public Enemies, The Hangover, Jennifer's Body, A Perfect Getaway, Pandorum and District 9 are all huge releases in time for Christmas [Careful you're straying into Kristopowitz territory...], and the foremost among new releases is Inglourious Basterds without a doubt, and that's my recommendation for the month. Phenomenal movie.

Classic Movie of the Month: Normally I do a movie that is themed along the lines of a major release, but in this case 'tis the season. As such, I have to go with a great movie that takes place during the holidays, Love Actually. Starring a huge cast of well-renowned actors (Bill Nighy, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Liam Neeson, Keira Knightly, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Martin Freeman and Laura Linney... just for starters!), it's a heartwarming story of all different types of love and how it can blossom. I defy anyone not to smile at the interactions between Neeson and the young boy who plays his son, or crack up at Bill Nighy's aging rocker who gleefully doesn't care that he doesn't have a chance in the world at success. Simply put, I love this movie.

Movie Quote of the Month: "OK. The truth is actually... I'm in love."
"Sorry?"
"I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it."
"Aren't you a bit young to be in love?"
"No."
"Oh, OK, right. Well, I'm a little relieved."
"Why?"
"Well, you know - I thought it might be something worse."
"Worse than the total agony of being in love?"
"Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony."

Sam (Thomas Sangster) and Daniel (Liam Neeson), Love Actually

Owain J. Brimfield

Biggest Winner of the Month: Anyone and anything to with all this Twilight nonsense. Thank god my considerate girlfriend didn't make me go see New Moon with her, and even she thought it was a bit silly. Still, there's no denying it's been all kinds of successful, particularly with the tween demographic, so well done I guess.

Biggest Loser of the Month: All the boyfriends who got browbeaten into seeing New Moon. Suckers!

Biggest Movie News of the Month: I hadn't actually heard the news about Avatar's budget until I read a few of my fellow writers bringing it up. Half a billion! That's just crazy money, and I'm genuinely astonished a film could cost that much to make. One film! Unbelievable. I'll still put a sneaky beat on it turning in a profit, though.

Your Most Anticipated Movie of the Month: Well, definitely Avatar, even though I won't be able to catch it in 3D unless I'm extremely lucky. The trailer reminds me of classic SF like The Forever War and the like, and that makes me very happy indeed.

Recommended DVD Release of the Month: I actually didn't see The Hangover first time round, so I'll definitely be snapping that up. Top release though is Inglourious Basterds, purely for the advert I saw for it on Play.com - it's priced at £9.99, and the advert is just a clip of Hitler yelling "nein, nein, nein!" Utter genius.

Classic Movie of the Month: It's the time of year when every self respecting moviegoer digs out their copy of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and enjoys a hearty MST3K Christmas. Right?

Movie Quote of the Month: "All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit!" - evil Voldar pretty much sums up Christmas in a single sentence, in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"

Please click here for part two!