All done? Good. Why go through all that? Well, maybe because SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE DECIDED TO MAKE ANOTHER STREET FIGHTER MOVIE! I don't know if it was an attempt to salvage the video-game series' cinematic legacy, to improve on a past transgression, or amnesia on the part of a handful of movie executives, but another Street Fighter film came to fruition in 2009. Of course, it shouldn't be hard to improve on one of the worst video-game-based films – not involving Uwe Boll – ever made, so Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li has that going for it, which is nice.
Evidently the people in charge of the poster didn't want to spend a lot on ink.
Unfortunately, there is one little wrinkle with this whole plan: for many, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li actually ended up WORSE than its predecessor. Worse. Than. Its. Predecessor. Need proof? In addition to a 3.9 rating on IMDB.com – though, as full disclosure, the first film does have 3.2; I'm sure some reviewer somewhere is skewing the ratings – and a 4% Fresh at RottenTomatoes.com – while Street Fighter is 13% Fresh . . . mull that over for a minute, fellow 411Mania.com colleagues Chad Webb and Jeremy Thomas savaged the film, with Chad rating it a 1.0 and Jeremy naming it to his Worst Films of Mid-Year list. All this vitriol – for a film that follows a prior attempt considered an abject failure – can only mean that Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li has to be one of the Worst Films of 2009 and, like Street Fighter before it, a Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . but is it? Let's find out!
Just to entertain me, the DVD precedes the feature with trailers for two films that are also part of the Misunderstood Masterpieces list of Worst Films of 2009. What are they? Find out in upcoming weeks!
First, however, the scene sets on San Francisco, where someone plays a piano, to gracefully accompany a wistful expository monologue provided by some unseen girl. Apparently, the girl – who just happens to be Asian, which is convenient for the plot – is also playing the piano, because her father wanted her to be a concert pianist, like any good Asian father. Little does he know his daughter can also provide telepathic expository monologues. His plans go well until he is transferred to Hong Kong and, unfortunately for his daughter's young psyche, he moves the whole family there with him . . . on mysterious business. Well, at least she has the piano to be her friend.
Sometime later, the young daughter – named Chun-Li – spies on her father in the garden doing tai chi and they start doing it together, which entertains some American woman. Eventually, Chun-Li starts growing up and, in the process, her father teaches her some kung-fu, mainly because her father is somehow awesome at it.
This is the only thumbs up that will be related to this movie.
Chun-Li's education goes well until, one evening, her father comes home from work only to get beaten up by Michael Clarke Duncan. I'm going to guess even the worst day at work pales in comparison to getting pummeled by the star of Daredevil and Planet of the Apes. Of course, since Chun-Li's father is awesome at kung-fu, he fends of Michael Clarke Duncan with a dining room table. Just to even the odds, some goons show up to back up Michael Clarke Duncan, so Chun-Li's dad sets his own hand on fire and fights the goons with a flaming hand of DOOM! He turns the tide, until young Chun-Li wanders downstairs to see what all the racket is . . . about ten minutes after it started. Maybe she was listening to some Danzig on her iPod and couldn't hear. With Chun-Li there, the goons subdue her father and then some Irish guy named Bison (Neal McDonough, last seen in I Know Who Killed Me) teleports in for a chat with Chun-Li's father. First, though, he kindly tells Chun-Li to scamper off to bed and then, for reasons heretofore unexplained, he kidnaps Chun-Li's father. I guess Chun-Li's dad shouldn't have bet on hurling the weekend before.
Chun-Li, now effectively fatherless, goes catatonic until she finds a magic locket given to her by her father. Upon studying the locket, she spins it and, somehow, this causes her to grow into a HOT CHICK (Kristin Kreuk), who plays piano in front of an orchestra. After the show, grown-up Chun-Li jokes with some chick colleague of hers until the chick gives Chun-Li an ancient and mysterious scroll. Later that evening, Chun-Li takes the subway, where she finds a beating victim; she leaves him there, though, so that she can go home to visit with her apparently dying mother . . . who wastes precious time badgering her daughter not to take the subway because she might find and ignore random beating victims there.
Meanwhile, in Bangkok, Bison hosts a dinner for a bunch of local crime lords, who just so happen to represent a bevy of ethnic stereotypes. After proposing a toast, Bison reveals that he's making a little hostile takeover of the crime lords' territories, whether they like it or not. The crime lords, unsurprisingly, don't like it and walk out in a huff, so Bison has Quiet Riot Wolverine drop in to kill them all. The next day, some HOT CHICK Thai cop (Moon Bloodgood) is investigating the dead crime lords – who were all beheaded and set up at a banquet table – when Super-Cool Chris Klein – and his outrageously goofy accent; seriously, I can't even describe just what he's doing, because there's no comparison – drives up to take over the case, since he's working with Interpol. Just to prove that he's Super-Cool Chris Klein, he then hints at some exposition, but he doesn't provide any, probably because he hasn't tapped the HOT CHICK Thai cop yet.
I never knew Indiana Jones and Malcolm Reynolds hooked up.
Elsewhere, at his secret headquarters, Bison meets with Chun-Li's father and teases him, just to be a jerk. He then orders Chun-Li's father to find the families of some Bangkok board members, probably so he can blackmail the board and then kill the families anyway. Back in Hong Kong, Chun-Li's mother dies, so she has another monologue about it. Wait . . . am I watching Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li or Twilight with all these monologues? Anyway, after her mother's funeral, Chun-Li heads to the slums of Hong Kong to investigate just what's going on with the mysterious scroll. To that end, she meets with a cranky librarian, who tells Chun-Li to go to Bangkok and find some guy who will help her.
Meanwhile, back in Bangkok, Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop bicker because now they're investigating Bison together. This seems to be enough to prove the HOT CHICK Thai cop's worth to Super-Cool Chris Klein, so he provides a bit of exposition about Bison, just for her. Of course, there's a need for this pointless scene, as Chun-Li is taking FOREVER to get to Bangkok, mainly because she has to say goodbye to each and every one of her servants beforehand. Finally, Chun-Li gets to Bangkok, where her now-overused monologue infers that she's going to be a hooker to blend in. Alas, she just ends up homeless instead; maybe she doesn't understand how prostitution works. Until she finds a pimp or, at least, a kindly hooker to show her the ropes, Chun-Li just hangs out on the streets and watches crimes take place while she silently swears REVENGE . . . and then does nothing. Wow; this is so exciting!
Over at his headquarters, Bison builds a model of Bangkok because he's planning a bit of EVIL urban renewal. I wonder if he later consulted with the Borough of Brooklyn on the Atlantic Yards project. While Bison dreams of moving the New Jersey Nets to Thailand – or something like that, Michael Clarke Duncan interrupts with news of a mysterious message from Murmansk. Dum-dum-DUM! That night, some hoodlums – who are oddly American – beat up an old guy, which is all Chun-Li can stands and she can't stands no more, so she jumps into the fray and kung-fu's the hell out of the hoodlums until she passes out. Luckily for her, some stranger is on hand to scoop her up and take her to safety.
Luckily, Kristin was able to survive her tragic run-in with a renegade blow dryer.
The next morning, Chun-Li wakes up to discover that, surprisingly, she's not chained up in a dank basement somewhere in Bangkok but, instead, in the home of her new mentor, Gen (Robin Shou, a.k.a. Liu Kang from the Mortal Kombat series). After Gen reveals himself to be like Chun-Li's Asian Yoda, he explains that he used to be an evil associate of Bison, but he decided it wasn't for him, so he's taken it upon himself to train effectively orphaned HOT CHICK concert pianists bent on REVENGE. Conveniently, Chun-Li just so happens to fit that bill . . . but Gen beats her up first, which he states is meant to whip the anger out of her. I'll have to use that excuse the next time I feel like battering someone. After the demonstration of force, Gen then summons some bad special-effects, which he uses to blow up some innocent plates. What did those plates ever do to you, Gen?
Sometime later, Chun-Li goes to an Internet Cafe and researches Bison and his dummy companies, which remarkably doesn't alert anyone around her. While Chun-Li finds out all the latest Bison gossip – supposedly he introduced Tiger Woods to the golfer's alleged mistresses, Bison is busy taking over the slums of Bangkok, and Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop really aren't cool with that, so Super-Cool Chris Klein plans on shutting the takeover down, even though he has no authority to do so. By the evening, Bison has the slums purged of residents, so he reminisces a bit about the good old days, when Bangkok wasn't so slummy, which means that Bison must be at least a couple hundred years old.
The next day, Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop stake out Bison's office building which, evidently, involves flirting and making out under the guise of not getting caught by Michael Clarke Duncan. And that, folks, is why he's Super-Cool Chris Klein. After their little necking session, Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop follow Michael Clarke Duncan and an anonymous Bangkok official while Chun-Li watches from the periphery. Instead of following along as well, though, Chun-Li heads over to Gen's house, where he blindfolds her – creepy – and then throws marbles at her, which has to be some really weird, obscure fetish somewhere. After a few tries, Chun-Li quickly learns to catch the marbles in mid-air; before she can get cocky, though, Gen tries to shove her into a table saw and then behead her, but Chun-Li stops Gen's sword with some impromptu bad special effects. I'm beginning to think that Gen might still be working with Bison after all, unless he does this to all his apprentices. Which explains why there seems to be a lot of "accidental" table-saw deaths in Bangkok.
He wears the sunglasses to hide his rapey eyes.
That afternoon, Super-Cool Chris Klein visits the HOT CHICK Thai cop at home, where she walks around in a bra for his entertainment; to be honest, I wish there was the "hilarious" plot twist that she's a lesbian but, alas, it isn't there. Instead, she's just a tease, especially when she talks about getting "more aggressive" with their investigation and, in the process, hints to Super-Cool Chris Klein that she's a total slut and up for anything. That can only mean one thing: butt stuff!
Later, Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop stake out – again – a nightclub, where Bison's HOT CHICK assistant (Josie Ho) goes to get her funk on. While the HOT CHICK assistant chills at the bar, Chun-Li saunters into the club with Princess Leia buns in her hair and gaudy gold pleather boots. Apparently Chun-Li's fashion-forward ensemble catches the eye of the HOT CHICK assistant, as she joins Chun-Li on the dance floor so that they can have a DANCE BATTLE! Unfortunately, the DANCE BATTLE is short-lived, as Chun-Li wanders from the dance floor; the HOT CHICK assistant, who seems to have a bit of a lesbian crush on Chun-Li, follows . . . to the women's bathroom. The HOT CHICK assistant, upon entering, shoos the other ladies from the room and then locks the door, perhaps expecting to get a little hot and heavy with Chun-Li. Chun-Li, however, has other plans, as she appears out of nowhere to fight the HOT CHICK assistant . . . who pulls a faucet off the counter just so that she and Chun-Li can get all wet for the guys in the audience. And any interested women as well.
After a few minutes of meandering kung-fu action, Chun-Li finally subdues the HOT CHICK assistant – though I think the HOT CHICK assistant doesn't mind too much – and interrogates her about Bison's mysterious shipment and something called the "White Rose." After the HOT CHICK assistant spills the beans, her goons bust in to sow chaos, which alerts Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop that something's going down in the club and they should forget about their sexual TENSION and start remembering their jobs. As such, Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop run into the club, where, in a VIP lounge, Chun-Li is busy beating up henchmen while pole dancing. Just what this movie needed: a kung-fu stripper. After Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop settle the scene, Chun-Li escapes by jumping off a roof.
DANCE BATTLE! Ulala would be proud.
The next day, Bison, unhappy with the quality of his help, beats the HOT CHICK assistant to death; I guess she forgot their "safe word." Meanwhile, on the streets of Bangkok, the HOT CHICK Thai cop questions citizens about Chun-Li, but they're unhelpful . . . just like Super-Cool Chris Klein, who's too busy eating noodles and mocking the HOT CHICK Thai cop to help. Later, at Gen's house, he recounts for Chun-Li the untold history of Bison. According to Gen, Bison was the orphan son of Irish missionaries who grew from a sick kid to a master thief on the streets of Bangkok, keeping his Irish accent the whole time somehow. Eventually, Bison met some chick and knocked her up; to celebrate, he took his wife to a scenic cave in the middle of the Thai jungle where he killed her to give up his conscience. OK then.
After this much needed exposition, Gen sends Chun-Li grocery shopping, just to let her know the pecking order in his house. While Chun-Li's away grabbing some Yoo-Hoo and Chocodiles, Michael Clarke Duncan and a slew of goons raid Gen's place and Gen fights them off for a bit . . . at least until Michael Clarke Duncan blows up the place with a missile. Now why he didn't do that first is beyond me; he could have spared a few good henchmen. Then again, what self-respecting villain really cares about the welfare of henchmen anyway? Chun-Li, back from the local Bangkok Piggly Wiggly, witnesses the whole ordeal and freaks out because she finally realizes that she's REALLY bad luck.
Over at Bison's headquarters, Bison is busy telling Quiet Riot Wolverine to hunt down Chun-Li. Meanwhile, Super-Cool Chris Klein looks up Chun-Li on the Internet; evidently the Internet is the most useful source of exposition in the movie so far. I'm surprised none of the characters looked up a leaked script to find out how everything will play out. But, of course, that would mean someone would have to have leaked the script to Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li to begin with, and no one would want to do that. Sometime later, Chun-Li gets followed through the streets of Bangkok and takes to the roofs, where Quiet Riot Wolverine finds her and they fight. After a few minutes of pointless kung-fu action, Chun-Li kicks off Quiet Riot Wolverine's mask and he turns out to be . . . the guy from Black Eyed Peas (Taboo, specifically)! The shock of not being as famous as will.i.am – or even apl.de.ap – causes the guy from Black Eyed Peas to flee from the scene in embarrassment.
See! He's totally Quiet Riot Wolverine.
The next day, Chun-Li heads down to the docks where she meets with a lecherous harbormaster, who she asks about Bison's shipment of "White Rose" from Russia, which is either a very high-end wine or heroin. The lecherous harbormaster refuses to answer to Chun-Li, so she beats him up and extracts the information by force. Meanwhile, at the police headquarters, Super-Cool Chris Klein meets with the HOT CHICK Thai cop, who just got laid off because, apparently, Bison owns the police force. Oops. Maybe now she'll be free to ride with Super-Cool Chris Klein . . . or, as he probably hopes, ride on Super-Cool Chris Klein.
That night, Chun-Li returns to the docks, where goes shoot at her, which she totally wasn't expecting. I guess she thought the whole "thwarting an evil villain all by herself" thing would be pretty easy. Imagine her surprise, then, when Bison shows up to capture her because the lecherous harbormaster set her up; I guess he doesn't appreciate being beaten up by a girl. The next morning, Michael Clarke Duncan reunites a bound Chun-Li with her father, who kindly tells her to give up. Chun-Li, rather than respect her father's wishes, uses his words against him and then Bison shows up to kill him for no reason and now Chun-Li has to live with the fact that her father died thinking that she was a totally ungrateful bitch. Of course, Chun-Li won't have to live with this psychological scar for long, as Bison leaves her to Michael Clarke Duncan's devices . . . and then Michael Clarke Duncan leaves Chun-Li to his henchmen's devices. So that's now he got ahead in Bison's organization: delegation of labor!
Unfortunately for Michael Clarke Duncan, he chooses to give the job of doing away with Chun-Li to his two most inept henchmen, so Chun-Li swings around and beats them up before escaping from the her captors. Before she can flee the scene, however, Michael Clarke Duncan discovers her and gives chase, shooting her in the street. While Chun-Li slowly bleeds on the pavement, the townspeople – Bangkokers? – freak out and start pelting Michael Clarke Duncan with fruits and vegetables, making Michael Clarke Duncan perhaps the first villain foiled by a watermelon.
Before Chun-Li can drift off into the afterlife, Gen comes back from the dead to rescue her and takes her back to his place. Once Chun-Li regains consciousness, Gen tells her, half-jokingly, that she's bad luck before magically stitching up her gunshot wound with what is apparently dildo juice. Seriously; Gen has these ceramic dildos on his desk, which he uses to help heal Chun-Li . . . and not even in the prurient method. Later, with Chun-Li nursed back to health – thanks to the magical dildo juice, she and Gen make bad special effects together, which I guess means that she's a full-blown Jedi now or something.
Seriously, there's a dildo on that table.
The next day, Chun-Li meets with the lecherous harbormaster again, who apologizes for nearly getting her killed before telling her what's really going on with Bison's "White Rose." Chun-Li follows up that quick bit of exposition by visiting Super-Cool Chris Klein at his place, where they presumably hatch a plot – off-screen – to foil Bison once and for all. That night, yet again at the docks, Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop – who has somehow been reinstated – team up once again, just in time for Bison to arrive on the scene and try to blow them up. Luckily for the heroes, it doesn't work, as Super-Cool Chris Klein and the HOT CHICK Thai cop live to fight on.
Meanwhile, Gen sneaks onto Bison's boat from Murmansk and Chun-Li joins him moments later. Once on the boat, she finds a girl hiding out in the cargo hold and tells her to stay put. Elsewhere on the boat, Gen runs into Michael Clarke Duncan and they fight; all the while, Gen asks Michael Clarke Duncan about the "White Rose," but Michael Clarke Duncan is too busy trying not to get beaten up to answer. Gen, not happy with Michael Clarke Duncan's level of cooperation, freezes the henchmen to death with a convenient – yet somewhat preposterous – liquid-nitrogen shower.
With Michael Clarke Duncan out of the way, Gen and Chun-Li somehow discern that Bison actually wants his daughter, who he transferred his conscience into years ago in the sacred cave. Before the heroes can stop him, though, Bison escapes to his headquarters with his daughter, who he lovingly puts under armed guard. Moments later, Super-Cool Chris Klein and Chun-Li arrive on the scene and, while Chun-Li infiltrates the headquarters using kung-fu, Chris Klein goes on a psychotic shooting spree and blows away a handful of henchmen. Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of the headquarters, Gen, who got into the headquarters in a way so unbelievable that the movie didn't even see fit to show it, finds the model of Bangkok and, with it, Bison, which can only mean one thing: it's fightin' time!
While Gen and Bison duel, Super-Cool Chris Klein finds Bison's daughter and absconds with her; moments later, Bison, who somehow got away from Gen, finds that his daughter is gone and rightly freaks out. OK, maybe it's not exactly the best thing to do right now, but I have to side with Bison here. It may be one thing for him to forcibly take over the slums of Bangkok, kill an innocent girl's father, and slaughter a bunch of crime lords, but that's his own daughter!
The best scene in the movie?
Anyway, instead of his daughter, Bison finds Gen once again and they fight, once again. This time, however, Chun-Li joins the fray when her master is incapacitated and she fights Bison with a big bamboo pole and then gives him a hurracanrana for good measure. Evidently, though, Bison isn't a big fan of pointless lucha libre, as it just ticks him off and he fights off Chun-Li for a bit. Chun-Li regains the upper hand, however, when she drops a bunch of bags full of concrete on Bison before throwing bad special effects at him. Finally, as a coup de grâce, Chun-Li twists Bison's head around and kills him . . . in front of his own daughter! Chun-Li, that's just sick and twisted . . . no pun intended.
With Bison thwarted with extreme prejudice, Super-Cool Chris Klein tells Chun-Li that he likes her style before sending her off . . . all the while giving her rapey eyes. Later, Super-Cool Chris Klein meets up with the HOT CHICK Thai cop – who got shot somewhere in the tumult back at the docks – at the police station, where she tells him that she's not into him at all. Hmm . . . maybe she is a lesbian. Back in Hong Kong, Chun-Li mourns her parents and has a final monologue before telling Gen that she wants to hang out at home instead of going on the road with him to sequels that will never come. After all, this was intended to be the first in a series. Yep. Good luck with that.
If I said that Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li wasn't as bad as I expected, that's not saying much, is it? While the first Street Fighter is certainly horrible, I will admit that it is definitely better than Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li if only because of its inherent campiness. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li just takes itself way too seriously . . . except maybe for Chris Klein's awesomely over-the-top performance. While Street Fighter was meant to be a direct interpretation of the video games, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li seems to take the setting and concepts of the video game and superimposes them over a stock kung-fu actioner, totally removing any entertainment value in the process. There are times when camp is of value and this is one of those times; unfortunately, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li plays it way too straight, making it one of the Worst Films of 2009 and a definite Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as one of the most popular animes of all time gets the live-action treatment no one wanted . . . and I get to make a lot of testicle jokes. See you then!
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