A Fool's Utopia 12.10.09: Revenge of the Disney Villains

Posted by Ron Martin on 12.10.2009

This week in one man's utopia we take a look at the newest Disney Villain and his impact, discuss issues with The Biggest Loser and March Madness, talk Blue Mt. Dew, childhood filler toys and Max Headroom sings us all a Christmas song.

Here's what's going on, kids. You see, Disney has decided to get back into the 2D animation business. John Lasseter, the head of Disney animation, made the call. It may seem odd seeing how Lasseter made a name for himself on many of Pixar's 3D classics, but Lasseter deep down in a traditionalist and wants to bring back the beauty of classic Disney 2D. What's this mean to me? Since it's the woman's turn to pick a movie, this means that in a week or so after Christmas shopping, I am sure to be giving the mouse a 20-spot to catch the newest Disney flick, The Princess and the Frog.



The major hype for the movie has been around Tiana. Not only is she the token black princess in the Disney family, but she's the newest princess in at least ten years. If we don't really count Mulan or Pocahontas (trust me, Disneyworld doesn't) then she's the newest princess since I think Jasmine in Aladdin, though I could be wrong on that. I believe she may also be the only American princess, which is odd because we don't live in a monarchy. Pocahontas doesn't count because America was not yet formed, my friends. Tiana already has a ton of merchandise in the stores (just in time for Christmas, of course) and her own parade that play three times a day in the Magic Kingdom.

That's all fine for the kids and the Disney image, but when I am inevitably forced to watch this film against my will, I'll be watching Doctor Facilier. I came to a realization sometime last week that a new Disney princess means there will need to be a new Disney Villain to keep the equilibrium of good and evil stable in the world. Doctor Facilier, a voodoo practicing con-man fits the bill. This is one area where the 2D films rule head and shoulders above their 3D brethren. Let's put the evil toy collector, the evil grasshopper and the little girl that mistreats fish in a ring with Maleficent, Jafar and Chernabog and see who comes out on top.



The Pixar age has come at the expense of the Disney Villain. Outside of the bumbling Syndrome (The Incredibles) and the Waternoose/Boggs combo (Monsters Inc) there really aren't too many scary dudes hopping around these flicks. The antagonists are bumbling, minor or sometimes even nonexistent. Not to say there aren't scary elements to the films, sure everyone is frightened when Dory tries to get through the jellyfish in Finding Nemo or when the jealous restaurateur tries to capture the mice in Ratatouille but it's more the situation that garners a healthy dose of fear than any actual enemy. Al McWhiggin from Toy Story 2 in a dark alley does not frighten me. Substitute him with Ursula, The Wicked Witch or Captain Hook and now we're talking.



Sid (Toy Story) and Hopper (A Bug's Life) or the only two Pixar baddies represented in the Disney Villain franchise. Even of those two, I would consider only Hopper worthy. That being said, I've not seen these two pictured on my annual Disney Villain coffee mug alongside Scar or Hades. There is no Sid merchandise at the Villains in Vogue store in Disney's Hollywood Studios, where I have a feeling some shelf space is being cleared away for Doctor Facilier.



Though I have yet to see the film, Doctor Facilier looks to fit perfectly in the mold of Disney Villain. Various aspects of voodoo are played up for the good and evil sides of the movie, so it should come as a shock to no one that Facilier knows the voodoo that you do so well. Sorcery has long been a staple of the classic Disney Villain. The list of sorcerous villains is long and impressive: The Evil Queen, Hades, Jafar, Maleficent, Chernabog, Ursula and the Horned King (The Black Cauldron). While Facilier will put his voodoo skills to good use, having seen previews, read plot synopsis and the like, I can safely assume he has some smooth con-man type skills playing on the weaknesses of our heroes in order to better manipulate them. This would put him in the same boat as the likes of Stromboli, Scar, Ursula and Frollo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame).

Disney Villains and Heroes will come and go with varying amounts of success. Only time will tell whether Tiana will be a Cinderella or an Esmeralda. However, I think Doctor Facilier will be a much needed and immediately worthy addition to the Disney Villain franchise. When I am forced to go see this (I'll put up a meek fight, but curiosity will win out in the end), more than anything else, it's the good Doctor I will be watching to see if he is worthy of being forever immortalized on next year's edition of my coffee mug.



-- I used to like to watch The Biggest Loser. There was something strangely charismatic about hugely overweight people crying because they scaled a hill for the first time in 20 years. I'm not being sarcastic about that. It's a feel good moment. However, with the recent trend of Biggest Loser winners and top performers coming back as heavy as they were before, what does that say for that show? When I watched, the trainers did their best to get to the bottom of each person's weight loss to help them understand why they were doing to their bodies what they were doing. Each trainer understands that losing this much weight this quickly, while good for TV, is not healthy and only promotes gaining the weight back once the show is over. Once the prize is no longer the motivation, the fat person goes back to being fat. Perhaps it's time to rethink the basis of the show. Instead of half seasons, why not a full on old school fall to summer season with about 30 weeks?



Part of the problem lies within the isolation of the contestants. It's easy to lose a hundred pounds when you weigh 400 and are locked up in a ranch somewhere with no Taco Bells to tempt you and nothing to do all day but work out. To properly lose weight, these people will have to deal with their jobs, their family's eating habits and fitting work outs into their daily lives. Why not start at the ranch for a few weeks and then move the remaining contestants into the real world for the remainder of the contest? I don't think this sacrifices ratings. It also gives the contestants the best chances at losing weight for good – as in forever.

-- While I am fixing things, can I tell you that this push to move the 65 team NCAA basketball bracket to a field of 96 is ridiculous. It's all for TV revenue. With the top 32 teams receiving byes, the remaining 64 will play one game a weekend before they are joined by the top 32 for the traditional 64 team wild weekend. Here are my main objections to this:

I have come to enjoy the play-in game. The 64th and 65th seeds in the tournament (usually small schools that only got in because they won their conference tournament) get one night where all eyes are on them. In a field of 96, they are barely glanced at as their opponent is quickly written on the next line in office pools. Plus, in the field of 96, the 64th and 65th seed, respectively, would be seeded somewhere after 85.

It would kill the NIT tournament completely unless the NIT became a safe haven for small conferences (not a bad idea). Otherwise the NIT would be full of lower half major conference teams three games under .500.

Is the world really clamoring for a 15-14 Penn State vs. 16-13 Iowa St.? We all know these extra spots aren't going to the second best teams in the Big Sky or Ivy Leagues, don't we? Sure, a mediocre team vs. a mediocre team may make for a close score, but who wants to sit through the 40 minutes it takes to get there?



IT CAME FROM MY IPOD
This week's play list is dedicated to Mark Cuban, just the latest billionaire to be put through a table in a wrestling ring. How nervous did Sheamus have to be?

1. "Eat the Rich" by Aerosmith
2. "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N Roses
3. "Why is Everybody Always Picking On Me?" by Bloodhound Gang
4. "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen
5. "Break on Through" by The Doors


FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. For anyone who has read any of my columns before, it's no secret I love me some of the Indy Colts. In fact, I think this might be the third straight time I've used this mini-bulletpoint to talk Colts, which I guess makes it not all that random. I like Jim Caldwell as a coach a little better than Tony Dungy. Dungy was a bit too conservative. However, if Caldwell pulls a Dungy and rests his players on a 14-0 record (if they were to win this week vs. Denver), I will actively root against them in the playoffs. How many times do they have to rest starters only to have them come out three weeks later rusty and not as battle tested as their opponents? It only leads to home playoff loss heartache to what should be inferior teams. To rest your players is one thing, but to rest them on a possible undefeated season? Ridiculous. New Orleans has stated they are going for it. Indy should too. Oh, and if we lose to San Diego again, I may have to commission that town to be blown up. Sorry to any San Diegans out there. That being said, I'd still rather see them win the entire thing than New England.




2. When it comes to Mountain Dew, I'm pretty much a traditionalist. I like my penis shrinking jolt of caffeine to be green. It's what I grew up with, it tastes the best and that's the story I'm sticking to. They came out with the red. No thanks. The orange? I'll pass. Even the special Halloween midnight black? Nope. The purple diet stuff? Don't think so. The dark blue game Voltage crap? Take a hi --- wait a minute, what's this? The berry sugar stuff is addictive. I've found on my last road trips (just an hour north to Indy, a very loose definition of a road trip), I've stocked up on Voltage as my Mt. Dew drink of choice. I'm such a whore!

3. My buddy, who is a golfer in the same way I'm a bowler, tells me that golf is a gentleman's game and Tiger may never win another major every again because everyone will hate him. I say he was the best golfer around, banging a lot of hot chicks isn't going to make the talent run dry. We made a bet for $25 that Tiger wins one major next year, assuming he competes in all four. I'm not much of a golf fan so I declined the $100 bet due to lack of knowledge Any golfers out there? I am a losing $25 or should I have bet the hondo?



4. Speaking of Disney Villains, I found this interesting tidbit by bestselling author, Ridley Pearson in a recent interview interesting. Pearson was hired by Disney to write a series of children's books about the Walt Disney World theme parks. The basis of the books was to be that the rides came to life after the park closed (nevermind the literally hundreds of workers who work overnight, every night to get the park ready for opening the next day) with the evil characters from the rides to act as antagonists. Pearson immediately starting writing with Chernabog (Fantasia) as the main villain of the series. This makes sense to me because Chernabog is big, bad, has never been defeated and is just downright scary. After some research, Pearson found all of the Disney staff stuck on Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty) as the main antagonist in the world of Disney. Huh. Interestingly enough, neither character makes an appearance (that I can remember) in any ride in the Magic Kingdom. Either way, it's interesting how the hierarchy of Disney Villains is set up.

5. Last Friday night I ventured into the Cheesecake Factory for the first time ever. Interesting place. Food is pretty good. If I had known the burrito I ordered was going to be 4 pounds, perhaps I would have passed on the appetizer. The server telling me "You're not going to finish eating that" before I even got the word burrito out of my mouth should have tipped me off.
Are your stockings hung by the Atari 2600 with care? Are you hoping the huge box in the back of the tree is a VCR? Are you considering dialing and talking to Santa at his exclusive 1-900 number? If you've ever had these thoughts, then perhaps you should get inside before RETRO is finished!

In the past leading up to the Christmas season, I've talked about the best Christmas gifts I got; I've talked about some of the questionable Christmas gifts I have received. I can't promise any sort of theme for the remainder of December, but at least for today, I'm going to talk about a middle of the ground gift. These gifts aren't the main course of the take from Santa and they're usually pretty forgettable. These are the gifts that flesh out the pile. One of most memorable from my childhood…



Why is it memorable? Because for some reason I got almost the entire toyline. I don't know if there was some sort of special running on the entire toyline, but I had about six or seven figures, that freaking jeep thing and even the bamboo tower playset. This Christmas take is the only reason I even remember there was a Rambo toyline. Perhaps they were based on a cartoon – I can't remember. I don't think I showed any special interest in the Rambo movies. I did see the first two, but that is about all as far as that goes. To this day I haven't gotten a satisfactory answer as to why I was thrust in the middle of this plastic war of toys that had little to nothing to do with the movies.

I quickly forgot the names of all but the Rambo, himself, action figures and they, along with the bamboo tower playset became renegade warriors in the middle of the nowhere between the camps of good and evil in the battle for my bedroom. I am sure they disfigured some of the less popular characters from other toylines but surely had no shot against the Megatrons and Skeletors of the world. Poor virtually almost known guys.

From my personal filler toys to one that I am sure every person reading this has managed to obtain at one Christmas or another, Don't Break the Ice




I do not know which evil adult thought they should put a little plastic man on a sheet of ice and let small children bang at the ice in the hope that they care enough about the little plastic man to not let him fall through the ice. An attempt to teach children physics through common sense, the little plastic man just didn't garner the sympathy needed to make the game a success.

Though everyone had this game, it was no one's favorite. After a couple of obligatory run throughs, the game was set in the closet and quickly forgotten about as the little plastic man would have been lost two minutes after opening the box. This was alright because in that two minute span you could get about five games in. I believe the creators of Don't Break the Ice grossly overestimated the ability of five year olds to have a steady hand why yielding a small plastic hammer over a shaky screen of ice. It took all of a minute before the little plastic man plunged deep to his one death under the layers of blocky ice. Who thought of this sort of thing? No wonder I am messed up as an adult.

Forgotten Christmas Video



Speaking of things that haunted my youth, it's the one and only Max Headroom. Ol' Max started life out as a TV show and went on to whore himself out to anyone who would take him on to do their commercials. I never knew quite what to make of Mr. Headroom. He was unique and cool…for five minutes. After that, the constant stuttering, starting and stopping, etc. was quite overplayed. I was just recently reminded of my old friend Mr. Headroom when the actor who portrayed him starred in a movie I picked up National Lampoon's Senior Class Trip. It plays out like any other National Lampoon movie – only without the boobs. Here is our favorite digital TV host singing his ode to good ol' St. Nick.

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

December 10, 1986

#1 Song



"The Next Time I Fall" Peter Cetera with Amy Grant

#1 Album



Live 1975-85 by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

#1 Movie



Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

I must leave you now. Check me out in my other columns including The Watcher Diaries and The Ghost Hunters recap which should hit the 411Movies page later today.