Misunderstood Masterpieces 12.15.09: Dragonball: Evolution

Posted by Will Helm on 12.15.2009

...or, I Was a Teenage Literary Archetype

Last week, an adaptation of a legendary Japanese video-game property became one of the Worst Films of 2009. This week, unfortunately for the Land of the Rising Sun, also features a Japanese property, this time stemming from an extremely famous and popular manga and anime: Dragon Ball.

Originally introduced in 1984 in Shōnen Jump's weekly publication, Akira Toriyama's Dragon Ball went on to become one of the most popular and influential manga ever. It is no surprise then, that the series was adapted into a series of anime: Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z – which I often referred to as "Dragonballz . . . a gag which will become painfully overused soon, and Dragon Ball GT. All three of these series went on to become hits in Japan, the U.S., and around the world, so it is no surprise that a feature-film adaptation would come to pass. Three problems, though: the film would come out five years after the debut of Dragon Ball, it would be live-action, and it would be made in Taiwan. Of course, it isn't well known that this "tacky" version exists – especially in Hollywood, which explains why, in 2009, 20th Century Fox released an American, live-action adaptation of the Dragon Ball story: Dragonball: Evolution.

The poster shows
a distinct lack of ballz.

There were hopes that Dragonball: Evolution would certainly top its Taiwanese predecessor, as Chinese filmmaker Stephen Chow – the man behind Kung fu – signed on to produce the film. However, when released in March of 2009, Dragonball: Evolution wasn't very well received by movie-goers, grossing a little over $9 million during its domestic run in the theaters. Of course, audiences weren't the only people to ignore the film, as critics also attacked the film. IMDB.com rates the film at 3.3 out of 10, while RottenTomatoes.com scores the film at 13% Fresh . . . which is still better than Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, shockingly. As well, like last week's film, my colleagues at 411Mania.com don't think too highly of it either, as Chad Webb scored the film a 2 out of 10 and Jeremy Thomas named it his Worst Film of the First Half of 2009. Yet, here at the end of 2009, Dragonball: Evolution reigns on to be one of the Worst Films of 2009 and, perhaps, a Misunderstood Masterpiece. But is it? Let's find out!

Unsurprisingly, as most of what will probably go on in the movie will go over the heads of 90% of the viewing audience, the film begins with an almost obligatory expository monologue. According to the monologue, some alien guy named Piccolo nearly destroyed the Earth thousands of years ago until some sages committed suicide to imprison Piccolo deep inside the Earth and made his pet werewolf disappear. I'm sure the former event will come back to haunt the Earth, as the sages wasted giving up their lives to only imprison Piccolo; it probably would've made more sense to just kill Piccolo outright, but then there wouldn't be much of a movie. And I may just be getting ahead of myself.

What's more amazing:
the dragonball, or
Goku's anime hair?

After the monologue, in an EXTREME close up, some guy (Justin Chatwin) sweats CGI sweat – because, evidently, regular sweat just isn't good enough. While leaves profoundly blow by in slow motion, the guy stands on two tightropes for no apparent reason. Then just because standing on a pair of tightropes isn't tough enough, some old Asian guy (Randall Duk Kim) shows up to mock the guy and then tries to beat him up. The guy, not content to get pummeled by an old man, fights back and, through a convoluted series of events, makes the old guy eat a bug. I'd say that's senior abuse, but the old guy did start it. And, to his credit, he finishes it, by throwing a blast of force at the guy, knocking him from the tightropes.

Of course, this was all for the guy's own good, as he's not just a random tightrope-walker, but also the old Asian guy's grandson, Goku. Funny . . . he doesn't look like a "Goku." Anyway, as part of Goku's training, the old Asian guy lectures his grandson about not trusting his senses, so Goku responds by making a light breeze blow. Then, just to set up his character as a whiny teenager, Goku complains about being a loser in high school; his grandfather, strangely, doesn't respond, but instead gives Goku a "dragonball" for his birthday, which happens to be that very day. Well, isn't that convenient for the plot. Apparently, according to the old Asian guy, the "dragonball" grants wishes when combined with six other ballz.

Later that day, as everything seems to have taken place in the wee hours of the morning, Goku goes to school and some punk crushes his moped. Goku tries to step up and defend himself, but he ends up not doing anything about it, because he's a loser and all. Meanwhile, on an airship – which I always thought were the intellectual property of the Final Fantasy series – somewhere over the Earth, some guy with a green head (Buffy the Vampire Slayer's James Marsters) mopes and drops a fireball on a village. Down in the ruins of a village that just happened to lie in the path of the fireball, two survivors – who I guess made their saves vs. magic – wander around until one of them pulls out a "dragonball." This piques the interest of the green-headed guy's henchman, some Evil Asian HOT CHICK (Eriko Tamura), who flies down to the wrecked village and kills the survivors for the "dragonball," much to the green-headed guy's delight.

I'm disappointed Piccolo
didn't break into a rendition of
"It Ain't Easy Bein' Green."

Back at the high school, a teacher mentions an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT – that there's going to be a total solar eclipse in a few days – while Goku stares at some Asian HOT CHICK (Jamie Chung) and daydreams about her. It doesn't last long, however, as the teacher totally cock-blocks and interrupts Goku's fantasies. He even mocks Goku because Goku is weird, believes everything his grandfather says, and is a loser. At least he doesn't ask Goku if he can date Beth since they aren't together anymore. Sometime later, in one of the high school's many cavernous hallways, the Asian HOT CHICK, who's hilariously named Chi Chi . . . so perhaps "Asian HOT CHICK" doesn't seem so bad, has trouble opening her locker, so Goku helps her out from the periphery by blowing open all the lockers in that hall with his force powers. The Asian HOT CHICK catches Goku in the act and, rather than freak out and run screaming, she calls him over for a chat because she totally understands him because she's Asian and all and, somehow, he has an Asian grandfather, so her parents would be totally cool with them hooking up. After a cursory chat, Goku invites himself to a party the Asian HOT CHICK is throwing that evening, whether she likes it or not. OK, not only is he weird, creepy, and a loser; he's also a jerk.

That very evening, Goku gets ready for the party while his grandfather cooks chicken feet and pulls out a birthday cake, since it is, after all, Goku's birthday. Instead of a nice family moment, Goku – the loser jerk – skips out and heads to the Asian HOT CHICK's party, where he's immediately mocked by the "cool kids," who don't like loser jerks crashing the party. Therefore, the "cool kids" take it upon themselves to punish Goku for his insolence, but Goku uses his force powers to make the "cool kids" beat themselves up – Peter Parker and Mr. Miyagi would be proud – and then one guy pulls out a totally preposterous dropkick, just to make me laugh. Eventually, once the henchkids are thwarted, Goku faces off against his main rival for the affections of the Asian HOT CHICK and, through clever evasion, Goku makes his rival beat up his own car. After the rival knocks himself out, Goku meets up with the Asian HOT CHICK, who's thoroughly impressed with Goku's smooth moves.

Perhaps the most innocent
occurrence of an Asian
chick with ballz in her
face on the Internet.

Back at Goku's house, his grandfather meditates until an ill wind blows through, signaling the arrival of the Evil Asian HOT CHICK, who's there to kill the grandfather for the "dragonball." The grandfather avoids her attempts at assassination, but, before he can fend her off, the green-headed guy arrives on the scene to wreck the house, with the grandfather still inside! Dum-dum-DUM! At the party, Goku tries to make some time with the Asian HOT CHICK, but, before they can presumably hook up, he senses trouble with his grandfather and goes running through the forest! Watch out for Edward and Bella, Goku! After his little trek, Goku finds his grandfather, who helpfully finds the time to provide exposition – as, apparently, the green-headed guy is Piccolo escaped from his prison, and the sages have no one to blame but themselves about that – and give Goku a quest – Goku has to find a new master and the six other ballz – before dying.

The next morning, Goku buries his grandfather and then, once the body is six feet under, he raids his grandfather's closet, probably looking for porn. Instead, however, Goku finds a Punky HOT CHICK (Emmy Rossum, who's does this really weird deep voice thing throughout the movie) breaking and entering the ruins of his one-time abode. Goku tries to find out why she's there, so the Punky HOT CHICK responds by trying to shoot him. Luckily for Goku, she's a terrible shot, so Goku has a chance to explain everything that's going on and it turns out it's all a misunderstanding. Although misunderstandings don't usually include someone nearly getting shot . . . unless it's on Cops. Anyway, after a truce is reached, the Punky HOT CHICK – whose real name is "Bulma," so, like Chi Chi, Punky HOT CHICK doesn't sound so bad – provides exposition, explaining that her father once had a "dragonball" but it was stolen the night before by the Evil Asian HOT CHICK and she's now looking to get it back and then she pulls out a very helpful device that she just so happened to have: a "dragonball" detector!

Goku, totally jealous of the Punky HOT CHICK's "dragonball" detector, proposes an alliance, so the Punky HOT CHICK opens up her collapsible motorcycle and teams up with Goku. Eventually, Goku and the Punky HOT CHICK end up in some random city, where Goku eats turkey while the Punky HOT CHICK tries to look up the address of Goku's mysterious new master. Eventually, she gives up doing that and just pulls out her helpful "dragonball" detector, which – unsurprisingly – detects a "dragonball" in the vicinity. And, conveniently, that "dragonball" just happens to reside in the same house as the mysterious new master: Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat, who's somehow becoming Asia's answer to Samuel L. Jackson, and I don't necessarily mean that as a compliment). While the Punky HOT CHICK searches for the "dragonball," Goku accidentally alerts Roshi to his presence and the mysterious master wakes up to fight Goku, trash talking him as well. After Roshi mocks Goku's kung-fu, Goku responds by accidentally force pushing the Punky HOT CHICK, which alerts Roshi to Goku's true identity as grandson of the old Asian guy. As before, Goku calls another truce and reveals his quest for REVENGE against Piccolo and his search for the other ballz while finding Roshi's "dragonball" in a closet.

Emmy Rossum ponders
her life choices over
a yummy bowl of ramen.

Upon finding the "dragonball," Goku has a vision, after which Roshi prophesies about something or other. The Punky HOT CHICK, unsurprisingly, as she represents technology over mysticism, is skeptical, because hokey religions are no match for a good "dragonball" detector. Am I the only one seeing a pattern developing in this film? Elsewhere on the Earth, Piccolo's airship lands in a swamp – which was a lake not too long before until Piccolo blew it up – and he discovers there another "dragonball." Meanwhile, Goku, Roshi, and the Punky HOT CHICK team up and hit the road; during the trip, Roshi tells Goku that he's going to teach the young pupil all about air-bending; meanwhile, I wonder if the folks who do Avatar: The Last Airbender lost their lawyers' phone numbers.

Eventually, Goku, Roshi, and the Punky HOT CHICK end up at some ancient temple, which is now full of kung-fu recruits and, strangely, the Asian HOT CHICK, who just so happens to be a student of kung-fu, which explains why she's totally cool with Goku's weirdness. While Roshi and the Punky HOT CHICK wander around, Goku and the Asian HOT CHICK chat and she reveals that she's training for a big kung-fu tournament coming up; evidently, all the cool kids in school joined Cobra Kai and she needs to defeat them with her crane kick. Oh wait . . . wrong movie. Anyway, the Asian HOT CHICK invites Goku to hang out, but, since the bad mojo at the ancient temple is giving Roshi the runs – or, at least, that's how it seems – they have to skedaddle.

I'd have that look on my face
if I were in this movie, too.

Yet again, the good guys hit the road and Roshi trains Goku in the martial arts while the Punky HOT CHICK drives . . . right into a hole. Good job, Punky HOT CHICK! After the good guys regain their bearings, some Asian stoner guy (Joon Park) – real name: Yamcha, so . . . well . . . yeah – shows up to offer them rescue, for a price, much to the Punky HOT CHICK's chagrin. After refusing the Asian stoner guy's help, the good guys settle down around a campfire so that Roshi can tell a story about Piccolo for people who missed the entire introductory monologue. I guess this scene is like watching the highlights at halftime. After the story, the Asian stoner guy pipes up from above, so Roshi jumps out of the hole to bargain with him, earning his trust.

With the Asian stoner guy on their side, the good guys once again go in search of another "dragonball," which just so happens to be in a cave adjacent to the hole. While Piccolo and the Evil Asian HOT CHICK scheme and Piccolo gives some monster a blood transfusion, Goku and the good guys find the "dragonball" surrounded by a pit of lava. Then, as if the lava wasn't bad enough, some freaky monsters show up to fight the good guys; Goku, proving he has a mote of ingenuity in his loser jerk brain, throws the freaky monsters into the lava, creating a bridge which allows him to retrieve the "dragonball." Once again, Goku has another vision, and then the Evil Asian HOT CHICK arrives to steal the "dragonball," but she's easily beaten up by Goku, like he's a guido and she's some chick named "Snookie." Somehow, beating up a girl makes Goku have an epiphany . . . about what, I don't remember, so it must not have been that important.

Ladies and Gentlemen:
Asian Matthew
McConaughey!

Some time later, Roshi visits with Master Winston Zeddmore (Ernie Hudson) and Roshi apologizes for not believing something Master Winston Zeddmore said earlier, but the atonement is really insincere, as Roshi actually needs a favor. Meanwhile, at the tournament, the Asian HOT CHICK fights the Evil Asian HOT CHICK, who's just there to get a little of the Asian HOT CHICK's blood before quitting the fight. After the fight, Goku visits with the Asian HOT CHICK for a chat, while the Asian stoner guy hangs out with the Punky HOT CHICK and they bond and nearly make out . . . until the Punky HOT CHICK hatches a scheme to find the other ballz.

That evening, Roshi trains Goku and tells him about the kame-hame-ha, who used to rule Hawaii before it became an American colony. What that has to do with ballz is beyond me, but the movie really doesn't explain other than to say that it's the last level of air-bending. After mentioning Kamehameha, Roshi shows off for Goku and tells him to learn how to do it . . . on his own time. Roshi has better things to do than hang around waiting for Goku to get these concepts in his thick skull. Goku isn't quite left to his own devices, though, as the Asian HOT CHICK drops by to hit on Goku and gives him incentive to learn how to light torches with his mind . . . and he does, just so that he and the Asian HOT CHICK can make out a bit afterward.

Later, Roshi and Master Winston Zeddmore chant over a jar. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the temple, the Punky HOT CHICK catches the Asian HOT CHICK wandering around and then the Asian stoner guy catches them together, probably thinking that it's his lucky day as some Hot Lesbian Action may just break out. Instead, however, things take a turn for the worse, as the Asian HOT CHICK steals the good guys' ballz and runs away . . . right into the clutches of the Asian HOT CHICK! Dum-dum-DUM! The Asian HOT CHICKS fight while the other good guys bumble around the temple; Goku, who still isn't the brightest bulb in the box, leaps into the fray and knocks out the wrong Asian HOT CHICK. Goku's mistake is then rewarded when the other Asian HOT CHICK transforms into the Evil Asian HOT CHICK, who shoots Goku before escaping with the ballz. Oh well; movie's over.

Winston Zeddmore
isn't aging well.

Or not, as Roshi steps in to heal Goku, but not before Goku has a helpful chat with his dead grandfather. Odysseus would be proud. With things at their bleakest, the good guys regroup and chase the Evil Asian HOT CHICK, but not before Master Winston Zeddmore gives Roshi the jar, which he totally just bought on sale at HomeGoods, but he doesn't want to tell Roshi that. He thinks it's an actual artifact! The good guys, hot on the trail of Piccolo and the Evil Asian HOT CHICK, speed over to some temple in the middle of a desert, where Piccolo mopes and then uses the "dragonballz" to begin his REVENGE.

Along the way to the temple, the Asian stoner guy makes his Hummer fly, which goes well until Roshi and Piccolo trade magical blasts, blowing the Hummer out of the sky. Whoops! While the good guys try to recover, Goku – dressed in his iconic Goku garb – faces off against Piccolo, but it doesn't go very well as, once the eclipse begins, Goku transforms into a werewolf as he's actually Piccolo's werewolf in disguise all along! Dum-dum-DUM! Now evil, were-Goku chases the Punky HOT CHICK and the Asian stoner guy through some caves. Meanwhile, Roshi tries to trap Piccolo in the jar, but it doesn't turn out as well as expected as Piccolo nearly kills Roshi instead.

Every time I order Double Happiness,
this is what I wished came to the table.

Rather than gloat in his moment of triumph, Piccolo chills while were-Goku tries to finish the job on Roshi. Roshi, still not dead, reasons with were-Goku and convinces him to take over his own destiny, so were-Goku transforms back into regular Goku, who's really not happy with Piccolo. While, down in the caves, the Punky HOT CHICK fights the Evil Asian HOT CHICK – and then the Asian stoner guy shows up to shoot the Evil Asian HOT CHICK, Goku gives himself a pep talk and then he harnesses the power of King Kamehameha to blow up Piccolo!

In the aftermath of the battle, Goku and the surviving good guys use the power of the ballz to summon a dragon which resurrects Roshi. After Roshi recovers, the ballz, perhaps as some sort of curse, fly to the ends of the Earth to sequels that will hopefully never come. Before another quest can start, however, there is a little time for a denouement, as Goku visits the Asian HOT CHICK to apologize for punching her out earlier. She sort-of accepts his apology, but first he has to fight her to prove his worth. This is a really odd courtship ritual.

The best word I can think of to sum up Dragonball: Evolution is "goofy." Though I'm sure that fans of the Dragon Ball series understand everything going on in the movie, there is little for the casual viewer to explain just what's happening and why certain things are significant. As such, Dragonball: Evolution plays like a Cliffs Notes version of the Dragon Ball mythos, superimposed over a handful of literary archetypes and movie clichés. After all, on more than one occasion, Dragonball: Evolution reminds me a little too closely of a kung-fu anime Star Wars, treading little new ground in the world of cinema. Perhaps most disappointingly, though, is the fact that it feels like most of the actors could be doing something so much better. It's well known that Chow Yun-Fat has done much, much better, as well as James Marsters. As well, Emmy Rossum is capable of so much more, but she just ends up distracting with her weird voice. At least she has a punky blue streak in her hair . . . but that's not enough to keep Dragonball: Evolution from being one of the Worst Films of 2009 and a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as a blockbuster finds its way into the Worst Films of 2009 and there's no way it can heal from this savage attack. See you then!
- - -
If you haven't made 411Mania.com your browser homepage, what's stopping you? At least compromise and bookmark it so you can get the best in pop culture as soon as you can. In addition, don't hesitate to follow me on Twitter to learn about the inner workings of the man behind Misunderstood Masterpieces. Oh, and check out the Official 411Mania.com Twitter feeds while you're at it . . .

TWITTER

411Mania.com
411Wrestling
411Movies/TV
411Music
411Games
411MMA