A Fool's Utopia 12.17.09: A Five by Five Christmas

Posted by Ron Martin on 12.17.2009

This week in one man's utopia we dip into my bag of tricks to pull out the old five by five gimmick, five lists of five all Christmas related including the most annoying Christmas songs, our favorite Christmas heroes and the best things to wake up to on Christmas morning. Also, my favorite commercials of the year and the gift you accepted and needed but never really asked for.



It's been awhile since I've done one of these. In fact, it's been almost exactly a year. For those of you who don't know how this work and can't be bothered to click the link to give a column I wrote a year ago an extra hit, let me explain. Top five in five different categories. Got it? Good. Let's go.



FIVE MOST OVERRATED CHRISTMAS SPECIALS/MOVIES
1. Elf
2. Bad Santa
3. I Want a Dog For Christmas, Charlie Brown
4. Most "updated" versions of A Christmas Carol
5. A Miser Brothers Christmas

I may have said this before, but I saw Elf for the first time last year. I think by Christmas last year we had all gotten over the whole Will Ferrell style movie. This movie is (insert name of random Will Ferrell movie here) at Christmas time. If I had seen it when it first came out, maybe I would feel differently…Outside of Slingblade and Angelina Jolie, I condone nothing about Billy Bob Thornton. Bad Santa is no exception. I guess it comes down to the fact that I just didn't "get" this movie. The main character wasn't likable and I thought his antics (outside of banging Lauren Graham, of course) were something less than funny. I know I'm in the minority here….Have you ever seen the Peanuts fourth Christmas special? They just can't leave a good thing alone, can they? There's only one worth watching – this one ain't it….I will admit there are a couple of decent old school versions of A Christmas Carol out there, but it's so played out at this point if the movie doesn't involve Scrooge McDuck, Kermit the Frog, Bill Murray or Captain Jean Luc Picard, then it just isn't worth watching. When they "update" these classics, it's like a remake – always a miss….I don't hate A Miser Brothers Christmas, but they got a little crazy with the stop motion specials didn't they (more on this later)? This gets a lot of credit because the main characters look cool, but the story is bleh and by the 25th specials, the technology should have moved on.

FIVE MOST ANNOYING HOLIDAY SONGS
1. "Twelve Days of Christmas"
2. Any Christmas parody
3. "Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer"
4. Any Country Artist rendition of anything
5. "Little Drummer Boy"

For the most part, I am a fan of the Christmas music. There are very few Christmas songs that irk me, but "Twelve Days of Christmas" certainly is one of them. Is it really necessary to have a song that is so long that I can get my wisdom teeth pulled while the song continues on...and on…and on. There is a place for "Twelve Days of Christmas" and it's called the third grade Christmas play. This is why I don't have kids, folks….The top two are pretty much interchangeable as the only thing worse than "Twelve Days of Christmas" is a bad parody of "Twelve Days of Christmas." I've never heard a Christmas parody that became staple Christmas music for me. It's always face punchably terrible. If I have to hear dogs barking "Jingle Bells" in the next week, babies will be punched…."Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer" might have been funny back in the 60s, but we've moved on and drunk grandmas everywhere are more aware of their surroundings….I'm not saying there aren't talented country musicians. Obviously there are some very talented country artists, but their Christmas albums tend to be dry and by the numbers. Yech….Parump-a-pum puke.




FIVE FAVORITE PERSONAL TRADITIONS
1. There's nothing quite like turning the lights off, letting the soft lights from the tree light the room while you pop in your favorite CD of Christmas music (or just stream music from your computer) while holding onto a glass full of your favorite Scotch on the rocks. In the hood we call this chillaxing. I'm a bartender – what do you want from me?
2. This one is kind of odd. I get a kick out of a day of Christmas shopping followed by the same scenario above, minus the scotch but add a Hardee's $6 burger combo while I wrap said presents. It's best Six-Dollar Burger I eat all year.
3. This may be a direct result of #1 and 2, but usually at least once, I fall asleep (sometimes pass out) on the couch during the Christmas season with only the tree on. There's nothing quite like waking up in the middle of the night to a lit tree in otherwise darkness. If it's snowing outside – that's a bonus.
4. For those of you not in the know, every night there is a four hour radio program called Coast to Coast AM discussing all sorts of conspiracy, paranormal and scientific topics. On Christmas Eve (usually when I am driving home from my Mom's house) they run the reading of a letter from a soldier to his mom. In this letter the soldier tells of how what would have been certain death for him turned into a miracle caused by the Archangel Michael. It really it a nice reading.
5. I like to watch Gremlins the weekend before Christmas. It mixes the holiday with my favorite movie genre. There's nothing quite like visiting a childhood friend.


FIVE BEST CHRISTMAS HEROES



1. Ebenezer Scrooge
2. The Old Man
3. Clark Griswold
4. Ernest P. Worrell
5. Billy Peltzer

Last year, I believe ol' Scroogey showed up on my TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS VILLAINS list as well. It's a versatile character that can be both the antagonist and protagonist of the same story! No doubt after taking a surprise chair to the back of his miserly ways, Scrooge saved Christmas for the Cratchets. No one celebrated the holidays like Scrooge after that – Charles Dickens said so!.....By The Old Man, of course, I mean Mr. Parker from A Christmas Story. It takes one set of balls to put a lighted stripper leg lamp in the front window, but an entirely different set to buy your kid a beebee gun without your wife's knowledge. I guess they didn't have a "we have to spend the same on each kid" sort of mentality…..You have to love Clark Griswold, right? The man did his best to entertain a house full of the most obnoxious house guests known to man and still managed to spread Christmas cheer….sort of….Ernest saved Christmas. It's the title of movie, numbnuts – of course he's a hero!.....Billy also saved Christmas by killing lots and lots of Gremlins. As a reward he got to bang Phoebe Cates until at least the sequel. Since he was the most rewarded, he got knocked down to #5 on the list.


FIVE BEST CHRISTMAS MORNING GIFTS



1. Nintendo Entertainment System
2. Ghetto Blaster
3. Ewok Village
4. Bicycle
5. Wireless Remote Control Race Track

Obviously, these are the best gifts I woke up to during my time as a yute in the 80s. There is not a red blooded American male (or Japanese I would venture to add) between the ages of 28-36 that will give you any other answer than Nintendo Entertainment System when asked what his favorite gift as a kid on Christmas morning was. If he does, he's lying. For me, the NES was the very epitome of gifts left by Santa. I leave Oreos and get a NES? Best deal I ever made….When I say ghetto blaster, I don't mean the finishing maneuver of Bad News Brown. This was what we called big bulky radios that you carried around on your should and spent $50 a week on batteries for in the 80s. Mine was especially exciting because it was the first time I had something that would play those new fandangled CDs….I know and Ewok Village playset may not seem that exciting, but when you factor in all the wars the thing went through including the renovations that allowed it all kinds of laser guns to become an impenetrable fortress that I believe my M.U.S.C.L.E. men are still trying to break into – then it makes the list, capiche?..... Who didn't wake up one exciting Christmas morning and see a bike near the tree? Even if you know it's coming, that makes it no less exciting....A wireless remote control race track with both red and blue racers was my early days version of a Red Ryder BB gun.

IT CAME FROM MY IPOD
This week's play list is dedicated to Tiger Wood's many women and their new found fame. Milk for all it's worth ladies, I am sure he was not his name sake in the sack.

1. "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base
2. "Hey Ladies" by The Beastie Boys
3. "Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang
4. "All the Things She Said" by TATU
5. "She's Got the Look" by Roxette

FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. I have discovered something this holiday season. I am a huge fan of packaging several movies together in one set. Aside from the Police Academy 1-4 set I picked up on Black Friday (for $8), I nabbed Ocean's 11-13 with the original Rat Pack version thrown in for a fourth film for a measly $10. On top of that, someone got the bright idea to start packing a bunch of Christmas movies together. I can now get A Christmas Story packaged with Christmas Vacation and a random third movie for about $20. Ain't nothing wrong with that. I might have an orgasm if someone (COUGH**DISNEY**COUGH) would package all the Muppet Christmas specials together in a nice shiny new package like that.

2. Back to bulletpoint #1. Since visiting Disneyworld for the first time, I've hugely admired how Disney does business. Nobody gets more of your dollar while making you like giving it to them than Disney. I seem to be in a minority as many people have pointed out that Disney is purely evil for such business practices meant to optimize profit. Now that I just realized that there will never be a DVD set of Muppet Christmas specials because Disney knows they will make more money if they release them one at a time, I'm starting to flip to the other side. What if we just had a collection of 80s Christmas specials? Who wouldn't want a set that included Christmastime in Pac-Land, the He-Man and She-ra Christmas Special, Pee Wee's Big Christmas Special and A Claymation Christmas?

3. Living in a Big Ten college town, there are mixed emotions about the conference looking for a 12 team. I guess I don't see what the big deal is. There are already 11 teams. The term "Big Ten" is outdated and "Big 12" is already taken. How would they sneak a 2 into the logo? It's a good thing marketers make billions of dollars.

4. Favorite commercial of the year:



Favorite commercial of the Christmas Season




5. You know there are certain phrases in the American lexicon that I think are pretty creative or cool when they are first used. Then they spread through pop culture like Tiger Woods at a cocktail waitress convention (too soon?). When 55 year old bowlers, 17 year old emo kids and twenty something college kids are all using the same phrase – you can be safe in assuming it is overused. There is such a phrase (not used by those particular groups, but overused nonetheless) that has warn out its welcome. Maybe it's not such a phrase as it is an idea. If you've heard any wrestler talk about the people who write on the internet then you've heard the phrase "geek living in their mom's basement." It's been like 15 years now. Most of these "geeks" have decent jobs and nice apartments. It's no so much a stereotype for nerds anymore as it is a stereotype for a dumb jock who has nothing more creative to say than a term that was edgy over 15 years ago. The world has moved on – so should you. Just for the record I own a house and have never lived in my mom's basement. In fact, my mom has never even had a basement. I didn't want you guys to think I was a hypocrite or anything.

-- Remember when you had to string lights on your Christmas tree? When you could only have a yule log in an actual fireplace? When there was no such word as shatterproof? If you do, then mayhap you should jump on the sleigh that's going over the river, through the woods and deep into RETRO!

Last week, I started writing about some of the "filler" gifts that round out your take on Christmas day. Today shall be no different. I think you are familiar with my friends.



Yep, the generic "foot soldiers" of various bad guy organizations from all over the evil universe. Whether it be a foot soldier, a Cobra Soldier or a Stormtrooper, they were all the same. Usually, these guys are the cheapest of the bunch so you may have two or three, but you always got at least one. The opening of one of these guys was always followed with an "It's not Storm Shadow/Shredder" sigh and the immediate moving on to the next gift.

There was no remorse, however, as deep down we all knew that these guys were as necessary if not more necessary than your Cobra Commanders, Darth Vaders and Rocksteadys. Those guys got all the press and were the prizes of their collections to be sure, but without random soldier who will last less than a half hour in any type of war setting, the Rat Kings of the world would be the useless cannon fodder instead of star villain.

There was a certain sense of necessity with these guys. The worst part of the situation was you never knew when one would pop up, but reluctantly you knew you needed each one you got. With every unwrapping, you were hoping for a ninja turtle or Emperor's Royal Guard member. When you got the Stormtrooper, there was a moment of disappointment followed by the moment of happiness. It was one less generic minion you were going to have to spend your own money on. Mixed emotions, my friends – mixed emotions.

Forgotten Christmas Video



I am pretty sure that I had this video up on this column somewhere last year, but I like it so much I decided to bring it back this year. Usually when one thinks A Claymation Christmas he is outcast as a guy living in the past and can't hang with the real world. "Get a Life," "The 80s are over," "Why are you so old?" we're told – er, I mean, when this Christmas special is brought up, it's the rendition of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by the California Raisins that is remembered. Having watched the entire special twice in the last year (it's on youtube, kids), I can tell you that this is my favorite segment. There's something about a one-toothed bell muttering "I lost mine" that makes all the pain go away and fills my lungs with Christmas cheer. It helps that "Carol of the Bells" is one of my favorite Christmas carols, if for no other reason than it would be insanely creepy to write a death scene in a movie while "Carol of the Bells" is playing in the background. That and "Yellow Submarine." I love the stupid bell and you should too!

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

December 17, 1986

#1 Song



"The Way It Is" by Bruce Hornsby and The Range

#1 Album



Live 1975-85 by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

#1 Movie



The Golden Child

NOTABLE OPENINGS: The Three Amigos

I must leave you now.