The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 1.18.10: Issue #89 - Zombieland Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 01.18.2010
Finally, this column takes a look at the zombie comedy "Zombieland" (2009), and some other stuff.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #89: "Zombieland" (2009)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never been stuck in an elevator with Gilbert Gottfried riding a coked up lion, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number eighty-nine, I take a look at the horror comedy that was a big hit in theatres back in October, 2009 and will hit DVD this February, "Zombieland," directed by first time feature flick director Ruben Fleischer.
Zombieland (2009)
"Zombieland" stars Jesse Eisenberg as Columbus, a nerdy yet resourceful young college student who has found a way to survive a zombie apocalypse that has pretty much destroyed America. While trying to get back to his hometown of Columbus, Ohio to meet up with his parents (Columbus has no idea if his parents are still alive, but he's going to find out anyway because there isn't much else left to do in the world besides hope for stuff like that), he's come up with a series of rules that help him survive zombie attacks. For instance, one of the rules is you have to have good cardio to survive because zombies in this world run. If you can't run faster than a zombie, you're done (Fatties died first). Another rule is always "double tap" a zombie in the head to make sure it's down (you do this with a gun, and you could probably do it with a club, too). You should also avoid bathrooms because zombies can ambush you there and you won't stand a chance. And you should also always wear a seatbelt while in a car. There are others (Columbus claims to have come up with thirty three rules in total) but we don't get to see all of them. While out on the road, Columbus comes across Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), a Dale Earnhardt loving bad ass ass kicker that's roaming the roads looking for zombies to kill, stuff to smash, and a Twinkie. Tallahassee allows Columbus to hitch a ride with him just as long as he doesn't get in the way, which Columbus agrees to do (and, really, what choice does he have? Tallahassee is in the "ass kicking business," and he'd have no problem kicking Columbus' ass at a moments notice. Columbus clearly isn't in that business).
So off they go to look for Twinkies and a way to get Columbus to Columbus. While searching through an abandoned (by living humans, that is) grocery store, Tallahassee and Columbus meet two people, a young woman and a hurt kid (that would be Wichita, as played by Emma Stone, and Little Rock, as played by Abigail Breslin). Tallahassee and Columbus find out that there's nothing wrong with Little Rock and that it's all a ruse to steal their guns and truck. So the girls leave the guys to fend for themselves sans weapons or transportation. They eventually meet up again on the road and, after yet another trick that sees the girls steal the guys' newfound weapons and take over their new vehicle (the truck the girls originally stole breaks down), they decide to team up for a little while to get through the ongoing disaster. As Columbus wants to get to Columbus (it doesn't end well there for Columbus), the girls want to get to California, to an amusement park called "Pacific Playland" that's rumored to be zombie free for some reason. So that's where they all head and that's what takes up the rest of the movie. Will Pacific Playland be the zombie free haven it's rumored to be?
"Zombieland" is a fun zombie movie because the movie, while to a certain degree a send up of the zombie movie genre, doesn't skimp on the blood and gore and general zombie nastiness and doesn't let the story's comedy overwhelm that zombie nastiness. The movie knows that, above all else, it's a zombie movie and that it has to deliver on that stuff in order to work. The screenplay, by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, is generally excellent, filled with well rounded characters and containing a story that doesn't get bogged down in trying to explain everything (there's a great opening montage that succinctly explains how the zombie apocalypse most likely started and what it has done to the world set to the killer Metallica song "For Whom the Bell Tolls") and allows the characters to just exist and interact in that world. These people have learned one of the big messages of the Romero movies: why it happened doesn't matter. The most important thing to figure out is how are we going to deal with the problem we have right now. Tallahassee, Columbus, Wichita, and Little Rock understand that they have to survive. If they don't, they'll just become zombie food and eventually a zombie themselves, and it'll be over for them.
The movie also allows real emotions to exist alongside the zombie carnage and the comedy. You get a sense of the real heartbreak and anguish they all feel being stuck in a world where there are few actual human survivors left. Pretty much everything they knew and everyone they knew is gone. The bits where the other three characters follow Tallahassee's advice and "enjoy the little things" are doubly meaningful. They're funny because the characters are destroying stuff for no reason beyond they need to blow off steam, and they show that the characters have to find a way to cope with the end of the world that isn't going to slow them down out on the road. You can't allow your emotions to get the better of you. If you do you'll end up as zombie food.
The movie's best moment, clearly, is the hilarious cameo by the great Bill Murray as himself (it's not much of a spoiler now, is it? The movie has been out since October. Everyone surely knows about the cameo by now), a mega famous Hollywood actor in Beverly Hills that has found a way to survive the zombie apocalypse and still play a little golf when he wants to. It's just so dang cool that Murray, who has become a bit of a hip and edgy artist in recent years, would appear in a zombie movie. When I first heard about his potential cameo I thought Murray was going to be done up in full zombie make up or something like that. I'm glad that the moviemakers didn't go that route and just let Bill Murray be Bill Murray. The bit that appears after the end credits is a classic bit that will surely live on in youtube once the movie hits DVD.
The cast, for the most part, is excellent. Harrelson is brilliant as the ass kicker Tallahassee. There isn't a false moment in his performance, and Tallahassee will no doubt live on in the zombie movie world as a classic hero character. Harrelson is just awesome, awesome, awesome. Emma Stone is dang decent as Wichita, the sneaky woman who has been trying to survive her whole life. She's a good sort of straight man for the goofiness on the male side, especially from Eisenberg's Columbus. And Abigail Breslin is superb in what I believe is her first horror movie role as the plucky Little Rock. Much like Harrelson's performance, there isn't a false moment in Breslin's portrayal of the little girl that's been thrust into a horrific hell on Earth scenario. She's allowed to shoot guns and be as sneaky as the much older Wichita while still being a little girl that just wants to have fun (hence the quest for Pacific Playland).
And then there's Jesse Eisenberg as Columbus. For me, he's the movie's only real weakness, especially at the beginning of the movie. His narration is a tad too hip and edgy smarmy nerd, and I don't believe that he could have survived the initial days of the zombie apocalypse on the road. And even if he somehow did, you'd think he would have seriously injured himself with that double barrel shotgun (like a busted up shoulder or a damaged midsection if he decided to shoot from the hip). Once he hooks up with Tallahassee the whole "he wouldn't survive five seconds in this world" thing takes a backseat to their group chemistry. I wouldn't say the Eisenberg weakness hurts the movie, but it makes it a little less believable (I just have a hard time believing he could have survived a day at the beginning of the apocalypse. I'm sorry, I just do).
"Zombieland," despite that one weakness, is more or less a blast from start to finish. It's a great zombie romp that's just dying for a sequel (ha). Hopefully, that sequel happens. I know I want to spend at least one more movie with these characters, even Columbus.
See "Zombieland" if you haven't done so already. See it, see it, see it.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous wavy American flag, gratuitous guy getting ripped apart by a zombie, gratuitous narration explaining how fatties were the first to go, gratuitous bathroom zombie attack with reverse Kim Richards, gratuitous opening titles montage set to Metallica's "For Whom the Bell Tolls," zombie chunks, gratuitous slow motion zombie attack montage, zombie stripper with flailing boobie tassels, gratuitous zombie three legged race, windshield wiper attack, windshield attack, a rolling suitcase, gratuitous Jesse Eisenberg, gratuitous Woody Harrelson, gratuitous Dale Earnhardt #3, a big ass Cadillac SVU with a snow plow on the front of it, a Hostess truck, gratuitous irritable bowel syndrome talk, a hit neighbor flashback, truck door to the head, gratuitous banjo playing, banjo to the head, bat to the head, gratuitous Emma Stone, gratuitous Abigail Breslin, Uzi hooey, hostage taking, gratuitous pseudo Indian casino, piano attack, a breaking stuff montage, gratuitous talking about Hannah Montana, a "2012" poster, gratuitous "Star Maps," gratuitous Bill Murray, gratuitous "Ghostbusters," pot smoking, gratuitous Bill Murray regretting "Garfield," body disposing, gratuitous "Monopoly" playing, gratuitous Hank Williams, dancing, gratuitous amusement park zombie attack with rollercoaster hooey, gratuitous slow motion zombie kicking montage, zombie clown attack, head smashing, and a great bit after the credits.
Best lines: "Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?," "Motherfucker," "No one back there but my duffel bag," "You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife," "I could use a Twinkie," "Snowballs? Snowballs? Where's the fucking Twinkies?," "No, you should be scared, a homeless man tried to eat you," "There are no penguins on the North Pole," "You want to feel how hard I can punch?," "Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date," "Thank God for rednecks!," "You gotta enjoy the little things," "You got taken hostage by a twelve year old," "Don't kill me with my own gun!," "It's tough growing up in Zombieland," "You're thinking about fucking Wichita!," "You don't know who Willie Nelson is?," "Okay, I'm going to teach you a little something about Bill Murray," "Bill Murray, you're a zombie?," "I haven't cried like that since Titanic," "Are you jealous Scotty Lynch?," "Hop in the car Evil Knievel, let's go ride the rollercoaster," and "Oh my God, look at this fucking clown!"
Rating: 9.0/10.0
***
"Gamer" comes out this Tuesday
"Gamer," in this reviewer's opinion the best movie of 2009, hits DVD this Tuesday. It's a great flick that pretty much died at the box office, but now that it's coming out on DVD everyone will get a chance to see it. Gerard Butler, Michael C. Hall, Amber Valletta, and Kyra Sedgwick are in it, as are Terry Crews, John Leguizamo, Ludacris, James Roday, Lloyd Kaufman, Zoe Bell, and Keith fucking David. That's a great cast. Directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor deserve so much more than they get.
You can check out my full on review of the flick here and then you can go to your local DVD outlet or you can go here and buy it.
***
And now, a little bit about "Live Evil"
"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is currently on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick that's well worth the price.
The flick now also has a firm DVD release date. According to its MySpace page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD February 23rd, 2010. That's only a few short months away, so remember that date, and be sure to keep an eye on the MySpace page and the flick's new Facebook page for further updates/developments.
***
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
"Zombieland"
Woody Harrelson- Tallahassee Jesse Eisenberg- Columbus Emma Stone- Wichita Abigail Breslin- Little Rock Bill Murray- Bill Murray
Directed by Ruben Fleischer Screenplay by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick
Distributed by Columbia Pictures
Rated Rfor horror violence/gore and language Runtime- 88 minutes
