Misunderstood Masterpieces 1.26.10: Sheena
Posted by Will Helm on 01.26.2010
or, A Very Pointed Commentary on the Politics of Sub-Saharan Africa. With Nudity.
Since the early days of cinema, one of the easiest methods of "skirting" the taboo subject of nudity on film was accomplished by finding excuses to have characters in loincloths. First beginning popularly with the Edgar Rice Burroughs' Tarzan series though there are, of course, earlier examples, the "noble savage" of literature became a heroic archetype, often set against the backdrop of evil imperialism and modern civilization. Unsurprisingly, not long after publication of Tarzan of the Apes in 1914, films debuted featuring this character, complete with the stereotypical loincloth, heralding a genre that would continue to this day, for the most part.
While Tarzan was the original savage Caucasian, there were rival characters, most interestingly the female Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. Introduced by Will Eisner creator of The Spirit and Jerry Iger (collectively as "W. Morgan Thomas"). Sheena debuted in the pages of the British magazine Wags in 1937. Eventually, the character would prove popular enough to garner her own book, Sheena, Queen of the Jungle, in 1942. In the mid-50s, Sheena was adapted into a syndicated television series starring Irish McCalla, who became an early sex symbol of the medium.
Hot zebra-riding action is just the beginning!
A little under thirty years later, Sheena made a return to prominence as the "loincloth" genre had a bit of a Renaissance in the early '80s, thanks to films like Conan the Barbarian, among others. Unfortunately for the resulting film, 1984's Sheena, the popularity of fellow films of the genre did not carry over, as the movie flopped badly with critics and at the box office, grossing just under $6 million. Most tellingly, the film earned multiple nominations at the 1985 Golden Raspberry Awards, losing out the ironically named "Best Picture" statuette to the John and Bo Derek classic Bolero. At least the founder of the Golden Raspberry Awards, John Wilson, had the decency to include Sheena as one of The 100 Most Amusingly Bad Movies Ever Made in his The Official Razzie Movie Guide. Hmm . . . "amusingly bad." That sounds like a potential Misunderstood Masterpiece to me! But is it? Let's find out!
Somewhere, a Jeep drives by a waterfall in the grainy darkness, as this might actually be the worst DVD transfer I've ever seen for a legitimate release, especially for a film that isn't even thirty years old. Driving the Jeep is a guy who may or may not be Harvey Keitel it's hard to see through all the image noise, who chats with his wife before almost driving over some guy's severed head in the middle of a jungle. Fake Harv and his wife get out of the Jeep to investigate and discover that the guy is merely buried up to his neck in the dirt, which brings out a looming witch doctor to lecture Fake Harv about propriety. Just to emphasize his point, the witch doctor has the local natives run in and set the jungle on fire, while tastefully nude women National Geographic-style dance. After the impromptu ritual, the guy is pulled out of the dirt and revealed to be totally healed of some random ailment. Meanwhile, from a distance with no sign of Bette Midler, some woman (Elizabeth of Toro) and her leopard watch.
The next day, Fake Harv's daughter, who was brought along on the expedition because it would be pretty hard for Sheena to become Sheena if she stayed home at grandma's, sneaks out of her parents tent and wanders around. Meanwhile, her parents, against the wishes of the looming witch doctor, go off for a hike and go spelunking to find the source of the magical healing dirt. Later, that same healing dirt would become the secret behind Bare Escentuals, available on a home-shopping network near you. Anyway, while her parents go deep inside the cave which sounds much dirtier than it is, the girl follows along to watch as her parents defile the sacred cave and, through a convoluted series of events involving the girl, get crushed to death in a cave-in. The girl, sort of concerned that she's now an orphan, runs away, even though her parents' death was actually kind of her fault. She needn't worry, though, as the woman with the leopard shows up to adopt her and names her "Sheena," which is really convenient, since that's also the title of the movie.
Over time, the girl learns to snuggle with snakes and frolic with elephants and hippos, while the woman teaches her to communicate telepathically with hedgehogs. Some years later, the girl grows up slowly enough to entertain the pedophiles in the audience and learns to ride a zebra, which she uses to show off her mad archery skillz in a nearby village. One random evening, the woman recounts some story for Sheena about how great trouble is coming to their land and Sheena is the only one who can save them, or something like that. It's all just the usual vague prophesizing. Eventually, Sheena grows into womanhood, wherein she gets a boob job and transforms into Tanya Roberts, who rides her zebra in slow motion during the opening credits, giving chronic masturbators in the crowd ample time to chub up and get to business.
I'm sure this image was copied by quite a few '80s strip clubs.
While Sheena shows off her hotness for the fauna of the jungle, some guy (Trevor Thomas) drives his Mercedes through a stereotypical African city. Apparently, the guy is a prince or a king or something, and he's got an awesome satin jacket to prove it. The guy who turns out to be Prince Otwani of Tigora visits a nerdy scientist, who reveals that deep in his nation is a wealthy titanium deposit that can enrich the nation . . . or its unscrupulous ruler. This gives Prince Otwani and his inexplicable Southern accent an idea, as he reveals his scheme to assassinate his brother, King Jabalani, who has decreed the land with the titanium sacred and untouchable. He also plans on doing this all on television, as he's a sports star back in America and he has a reporter and camera crew coming to town for an interview.
Back in the jungle, Sheena takes a shower in a waterfall sans loincloth, or anything else for that matter and then, after getting dressed, swings in to chat with her adoptive mother. Her adoptive mother is packed for a journey, as it seems that she's heading to the city to warn the king of impending danger . . . and perhaps she can visit a better makeup artist while she's there, as she looks like she aged by spreading Elmer's glue all over her neck.
High above Tigora, roving sports reporter Vic Casey (Ted Wass) and his chubby buddy Fletch (always awesome character actor Donovan Scott) fly in for their interview with Prince Otwani. Along the way, Fletch spots Sheena swinging by in the jungle, but Vic thinks his chubby buddy is just hallucinating due to jet lag. Meanwhile, in the city, the scientist has some lunch and then dies, all because Prince Otwani was wise enough to clean up his loose ends and poisoned his accomplice. Somehow, the death of the scientist causes a heavy rain to fall, which is either moodily foreboding or just a coincidence.
Star of stage, screen, and Blossom: Ted Wass Not Wass.
At the airport, Vic with his chubby buddy in tow meets up with Prince Otwani and high-fives the king. Despite the horrendous breach of etiquette, the king is cool with the situation, and even has the grace to introduce his HOT CHICK fianceé (France Zobda), who quite enjoys the way Vic high-fives her. I'm sure that's not all she'd enjoy, but maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, while Fletch spots a few suspicious military guys at the airport, the woman ambles into town and gets arrested by the police for no particular reason.
At the royal palace, the king chats with Prince Otwani and hints that he's suspicious of his brother without coming right out and saying it. Perhaps he should have, though, as Price Otwani runs off to interrupt a very revealing massage that the HOT CHICK fianceé was in the middle of to tell her that things in the palace are getting dangerous due to the king's lack of stupidity. The HOT CHICK fianceé, revealing that she's always on top of things which I'm sure both the king and Prince Otwani enjoy very much, tells Prince Otwani that she had the woman arrested and she's planning on framing her for killing the king later in the evening. Dum-dum-DUM!
Meanwhile, from her jail cell, the woman "calls" Sheena and, thankfully, Sheena's brain doesn't have an answering machine, as Sheena hops on her zebra and rides off. Back in the city, Vic and Fletch joke around on the way to the palace, until they see more of the mysterious military guys hanging out in their hotel. Maybe it's a Soldier of Fortune convention! That evening, Vic and Fletch end up at the dinner party, where Fletch films the HOT CHICK fianceé's chest until the camera breaks. Just then, the king gives a toast and gets shot by an arrow, the aftermath of which Fletch catches on film while dollar signs light up in Vic's eyes thanks to his big scoop. Conveniently, moments later, the police show up with the woman in custody and "evidence" of the murder in hand; King Otwani, proving that the justice system of most sub-Saharan African countries is just a joke, immediately sentences the woman to death without the right of a fair and speedy trial.
Irish McCalla, the Original Sheena, Queen of the Jungle.
While King Otwani consolidates his power by probably having some victory sex with the HOT CHICK fianceé, Vic plans on getting the footage out of the country . . . but, in the process of checking over their film, Vic and Fletch discover that the king was assassinated with a crossbow! Fletch freaks out at the new development, but Vic, with visions of Pulitzer Prizes dancing in his head, goes on the case and makes Fletch go with him. Vic and Fletch, now inspired by the spirits of Woodward and Bernstein, head over to the country's only prison, which looks more like a two-bedroom hovel surrounded by barbed wire. Though Vic plans on merely getting an interview with the woman before her execution, he gets more than he bargained for when Sheena shows up with an elephant that she uses to break into the prison to bust out the woman. Sheena, with her adoptive mother by her side, rides off into the jungle while Vic and Fletch follow in their Range Rover.
At the palace, King Otwani meets with the leader of the mysterious military guys, Jorgensen (John Forgeham), and tells the mercenary that he wants the woman and Vic dead, but Sheena captured alive, much to the HOT CHICK fianceé's chagrin. I guess she's not into threesomes as much as she's into regicide. Meanwhile, in the jungle, Vic and Fletch search for Sheena, but they find lions instead, which impede their progress. With Vic and Fletch helpfully subdued, Sheena swings in to investigate the scene and calls off the cats; Vic, cordially, introduces himself, which, for some reason, makes Sheena draw a circle on the ground. Sheena then tells Vic and Fletch to stay put and calls over a rhino to make sure they do as she swings off into the depths of the jungle.
Once at her destination, Sheena watches as an elephant digs a grave for the woman, who's apparently dying from her scuffs and bruises. However, before she keels off, the woman gives Sheena a friendship bracelet because they're totally BFFs and tells her to team up with Vic. Meanwhile, King Otwani and the military guys invade the jungle in search of their quarry. Rather than the king and his thugs, Sheena finds Vic and Fletch first and has to sit idly by as Vic patronizes her with his unexciting technology. Before Vic can show Sheena something else, the military guys show up and Sheena has the animals of the jungle run interference so that she and Vic can run off while Fletch escapes to safety. As Fletch drives off, Sheena and Vic climb a tree, which allows Vic a great view of Sheena's cooter while the military guys wander aimlessly beneath them.
She may have been Six back in the day, but she rates a 10 now.
That night, in the city, Fletch returns to discover that the police have raided the only film-processing service in town. In a huff, Fletch visits his hapless production assistant, who reveals that he has the developed film with him and that they should retreat to his village for safety. Fletch, wisely, obliges. Meanwhile, in the jungle, Vic molests Sheena a bit while she sleeps, but not enough to be pervy. The next morning, Sheena takes a bath for Vic perhaps as a measure of REVENGE for his unwanted advances the night before and tells him to get naked and join her, essentially calling his bluff. Vic demurs, though, probably because he doesn't want to unleash his raging boner.
Elsewhere in the jungle, King Otwani and the military guys scheme while Sheena and Vic use the opportunity to head for safety. Eventually, though, the king and his troops follow, but Vic is unconcerned, as he's too busy asking Sheena about her hair-care regimen. No, really. Later, Vic and Sheena, still on the run from a horde of enemy soldiers, take a walk and then make out a little, even though Sheena doesn't get it.
Over in the production-assistant's village, Fletch plays cards with some crazy villagers while the production assistant provides exposition. In the jungle, Sheena and Vic chat about her people's lack of modern weaponry and her naïveté regarding their chances against the king's men. Before Sheena can respond, Vic patronizes her once again although he's actually done it throughout the film, this time with a pair of binoculars, which he calls "magic." Sheena, who's either playing along or really, really dumb, uses the binoculars to spy on King Otwani's progress and then she tells an elephant to block their path with a tree, which the military guys just calmly blow up moments after.
Back in the village, Fletch gets hammered and goes schizo, plotting against Vic, but the production assistant smacks him back to reality and even points out a tracker who can help him find Vic: the crazy card shark. Yet again in the jungle, Sheena and Vic ride her zebra and then run, slowly, until Sheena eventually has a funereal moment and foresees death in the near future. OK; that was weird. She's usually so chipper. Vic, who probably doesn't feel like listening to Sheena whine and complain, makes out with her some more. Of course, he could also have ulterior motives.
Joey, do you have anything to say about Ms. Von Oy?
Joey Lawrence: "Whoa!"
Elsewhere in the jungle, King Otwani and his military guys chill for a bit and the king plans a bit of morale-boosting genocide to embolden his troops. It just so happens, conveniently, that he targets a nearby village, which also is the village that Vic and Sheena are headed to, so they witness the slaughter firsthand because they wasted too much time making out. After the massacre, Sheena and Vic survey the carnage and swear REVENGE! To that end, Sheena becomes sub-Saharan MacGuyver and builds a flammable arrow, which she later shoots at the military convoy's fuel truck, setting it ablaze. Alas, though, before it can explode and take most of the king's troops with it, a helicopter flies in to extinguish the conflagration.
Sheena and Vic, totally put out that their great idea didn't work, make a break for the jungle, while King Otwani sends the helicopter after them. Eventually, Vic and Sheena are trapped by the edge of the forest, so Sheena tells her zebra to herd some nearby antelope for no particular reason. While this amazes Vic, the helicopter pilot isn't so impressed, as he shoots at the zebra and the herd, which causes Sheena and Vic to surrender for no apparent reason.
Now captives of the king's troops, Sheena and Vic joke around during a forced march to their rivals' encampment. Oh, and they make out a little more. Sheena may not have liked it before, but I'm gathering she's catching on rather quickly. Once at the camp, King Otwani mocks Sheena while the HOT CHICK fianceé gets jealous and plots Sheena's demise because she's totally queen bitch of the jungle and BITCHES BE CRAZY. King Otwani, meanwhile, wants her alive, since there's apparently nothing in Tigora's constitution prohibiting bigamy, especially for the king . . . and it's good to be the king.
Here's a picture of Keeley Hazell just to fill space.
After King Otwani sends Sheena away, he bickers with Vic until Vic reveals that he knows that the king was behind his brother's death and not the woman. Dum-dum-DUM! With this information in hand, Vic offers the king a deal: freedom for Sheena's people in exchange for the evidence, which the king accepts, even though he plans on killing Vic anyway. Before he can, however, the HOT CHICK fianceé flies away in the helicopter with Sheena, with murderous plans in mind. While King Otwani is distracted, Vic punches him out as a measure of REVENGE before being driven off to his presumed doom.
The HOT CHICK fianceé, seeking to make a spectacle out of Sheena's demise, has the helicopter fly over a village before settling over a waterfall, the site of Sheena's impromptu execution. Before the HOT CHICK fianceé can push Sheena out of the helicopter, Sheena calls a flock of flamingos to her aid, and the flamingos eat the helicopter pilot, causing the HOT CHICK fianceé to fall to her death on the rocks below. Sheena, meanwhile, jumps free of the crashing helicopter and, after settling down, she addresses the villagers and rallies them to action against the king.
While Vic hijacks the Jeep he's being held captive on and drives it aimlessly through the desert, Sheena gathers an army and strategizes. Not long after, King Otwani and his goons drive into the jungle and right into Sheena's trap, as her troops ambush the king's army, slaughtering them. As well, an elephant, some monkeys, a rhino, and a few lions help out, thanks to Sheena's telepathy. In the tumult, some guy with a flamethrower blows up the military's vehicles, except for one, which King Otwani commandeers to drive from the scene. Meanwhile, the chief of Sheena's people kills Jorgensen, just because he hasn't had much else to do since the beginning of the movie.
"Damn Keeley Hazell is hot. Oh, wait . . . whoa!
*sigh*
I feel like such a slut."
Though the king believes he can escape, Sheena rides after him and weakly fires an arrow at his Jeep, nearly hitting the king and defying all laws of physics in the process. King Otwani returns fire, grazing Sheena's arm, but she fires another arrow accompanied by the same footage as earlier which nearly hits the king once again. The king, who is thoroughly tired of these gross violations of the laws of momentum, turns his wrath against Sheena, while Vic, who could very well have been halfway to Chad at this point, drives into the scene to rescue Sheena. In the meantime, however, Sheena finally shoots the prince through his windshield, so those are some seriously badass arrows and he tries to run her down in REVENGE! Before he can, Vic blocks his path with his Jeep and they both blow up. Remarkably, Vic somehow survives and has a chat with Sheena but he doesn't make out with her for once, probably because he thinks he's going to die.
That night, Fletch and the card shark chat about poker and drive through the jungle until they find Vic's severed head lying in the dirt. Fletch freaks out, but it's all for naught as the natives throw a party and pull a naked and completely healed Vic out of the dirt. The next morning, Vic and Fletch plan their departure and Vic tells Sheena that he's going to split without her for her own good because there's things about him she wouldn't understand, she couldn't understand, she shouldn't understand. He's a loner, Sheena. A rebel. Of course, he tells Sheena that it's all because he loves her, so he shoos away Fletch so that he and Sheena can get it on before he flies off, leaving Sheena crying on the prairie. I wonder if it's a coincidence that "Vic" rhymes with "dick."
First things first: Sheena is a bad movie. There's really no way of sugar-coating it. The plot is dull, Tanya Roberts' acting is laughably goofy and monotonous, and the pacing is insanely slow with far too many interludes for making out. That being said, I know for a fact that more than a few male children of the late '70s and early '80s have a certain . . . fondness for this film, and not just because it was played in high rotation on HBO in the mid- to late-'80s. It also happens to contain the most nudity I've ever seen in a PG-rated movie. I don't think any film comes close and it amazes me that Sheena could get away with it. I know that the "native," National Geographic-style nudity is usually ignored by film raters or, at least, was ignored, but, on more than one occasion in the film, Tanya Roberts' Sheena is FULL-ON NUDE. Not that I'm complaining; it's just interesting that a film from 1984 can have this much nudity and quite a bit of violence as well but yet any note of "Brief Nudity" in a PG-13 film nowadays can only mean a hilarious occurrence of man-ass. Ah, the gold old days; when PG films could be a bit risqué and Sheena could be considered a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as Tanya Roberts returns, this time in a notorious HBO classic and another loincloth-laden flick. See you then!
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