TV Rants and Raves 1.27.10

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 01.27.2010

Rants and Raves about "Human Target," "The Deep End," the Screen Actors Guild Awards show, "Archer," the "Hope for Haiti" telethon, Rob Lowe leaving "Brothers & Sisters," the lack of atheists on TV, "Jersey Shore," and more, plus two more Complete Lies, More People I'm Tired Of, the Supreme Court of the United States wins a special award, and more!

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that is, right now, looking into the future and not seeing anything because the future hasn't happened yet, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Before I get into the main hooha of the column, I'd like to mention the recent bankruptcy of Air America, the ultra left wing (well, not really ultra left wing. More like just left wing. Liberal progressive) talk radio network that started in 2004 and managed to survive six years.

I know I didn't think AA would last six years. Talk radio is a tough business, and since the talk radio tends to be conservative I figured that Air America's programming would struggle to find an audience and close up shop in, at best, late 2005. It instead lasted until last week.

AA had some good shows on it. Al Franken's show was hilarious and Randi Rhodes was brilliant, but they left the network after a while (Franken ran for U.S. Senate, and Rhodes was fired or she quit. I don't remember exactly what happened but it sure as heck wasn't pretty). The network experienced serious money issues throughout its entire existence, and, like everything else, if you're not making money you're not going to stay in business.

Liberal progressive talk radio isn't dead (Ed Schultz is still out there, and MSNBC keeps claiming that Bill Press has a radio show, so there's that, too, and Rhodes is still on the air in some markets just for a different syndicate) but it's certainly less interesting now that Air America is gone. Hopefully, Ron Reagan gets a new radio job. He was cool to listen to.



Air America RIP 2004-2010



Now that that's out of the way, into the main part of the column.


TV Rants and Raves



- "Human Target" thoughts: "Human Target," starring Mark Valley as a professional body guard for hire, is one of the best new shows of the year, perhaps even the best new show of the year. It's a slick, fun action show that should find a devoted, broad based audience fairly quickly because it has everything.

It's got a devil may care square jawed hero in Valley's Christopher Chance, a constantly befuddled but capable handler/boss character named Winston (played by the great Chi McBride), and a shadowy, scary character that's easily one of the most charismatic bad ass TV characters in years, Guerrero (played by the Jackie Earle Haley). It's got great action scenes and excellent special effects (the disabled plane sequences are some of the best TV special effects scenes I've ever seen), snappy writing, and an overall sense of "You shouldn't take this all that seriously. It's just a TV show," which is something you don't see that much on TV anymore (so few TV shows are just TV shows; idiot box entertainment that's happy being entertainment). I become a fan instantly.



So I guess the big question for this show is how long will it remain awesome? How long will it take for the people at Fox to start messing around with the show's formula and sense of fun to make it more epic and "important?" And how long will it take for Fox to demand that the show's producers introduce a regular female character so the show isn't so male dominated ("how are girls going to relate to three men? Get a girl on this show pronto! And make sure she has a huge rack. Males like looking at that kind of thing")? I'm hoping that Fox leaves the show alone and keeps the already great balance between the three main characters intact. At the moment, the show really doesn't need another regular character, female or otherwise (I kind of thought that the female assassin at the end of the plane episode was somehow going to become a part of Chance's bodyguard operation. Thankfully, the show didn't do that). Valley, McBride, and Haley all work together like a well oiled machine and there's no reason, at the moment, to mess with that. But you just know the network is going to want to "tweak" the show soon. It's what networks do. Will the network start cutting the show's per episode budget because the show is just so dang expensive (and just how expensive is "Human Target" anyway? It sure as heck doesn't look like a cheap show)?

I also hope that the night and time changes the first few weeks don't doom the show. Finding an audience, even for a top notch show like "Human Target," can be incredibly difficult, and I wonder how many people didn't watch the show this week because of the one week switch from Wednesday to Tuesday to accommodate the State of the Union address. The "American Idol" lead in should help things, but it's not a solution to a scheduling problem. The show needs to stay on the same night at the same time week after week to build an audience. That's how everyone else does it.

I love this show. I can't wait to see its next episode.







- "The Deep End" thoughts: "The Deep End," on the other hand, is a show I can, at present, really do without. I'm going to give the ABC Thursday night show two more episodes to get interesting, and if it doesn't perform I'm going to junk it.

It's an often excruciating show about five hip and edgy young lawyers starting their legal careers with a prestigious Los Angeles based law firm. There's the hip and edgy "sexy" blonde chick (Beth Bancroft, as played by Leah Pipes), the young lawyer with a conscience (Dylan Hewitt, as played by Matt Long), the perpetually horny British guy (Liam Priory, as played by Ben Lawson), the black guy (Malcolm Bennett, as played by Mehcad Brooks) and the ultra annoying and hard working woman that like the young lawyer with a conscience but won't come out and say it because she's not as sexy as the hip and edgy sexy blonde chick (Addy Fisher, as played by Tina Majorino). So you've got lots of scenes of hip and edgy young lawyers walking from room to room and down various hallways engaging in "witty" banter (the blonde spends most of her time talking to the ceiling, which is a great indicator of just how hip and edgy she is), sex scenes among the hip and edgy young people because that's what hip and edgy young people do on hip and edgy shows about hip and edgy young people, and an overall sense of "We're doing important work here!" that's incredibly contrived and shallow. The only character that has any real potential to be interesting in later episodes is the horny British guy, mostly because he's likely to get himself into some nasty situations with female clients because he can't keep it in his pants. The other three characters are just awful. I don't give a shit about any of them and couldn't care less if they got canned.



The "older," or senior lawyers at the firm don't fare much better. Billy Zane shows up as one of the firm's lead lawyers, Cliff Huddle. He's in full on Billy Zane douchebag mode here, but this time it isn't at all appealing. Norbert Leo Butz plays Rowdy Kaiser, the main recruiter for the firm. He's just fucking annoying. Nicole Ari Parker plays one of the firm's partners Susan Oppenheim, and she's essentially a non-entity (she's tough minded, she's worked hard for her spot, etc. Like we haven't seen that character a million times). And then there's Clancy fucking Brown, the Kurgan hisself, as the lead partner in the firm Hart Sterling. Brown tries very hard to make his defiantly liberal lawyer an interesting counterpoint to Zane's pro business douchebag, but Zane's boring performance brings Brown and everyone else down.

There's probably an interesting show somewhere in the older partners (how about a lawyer show where you never see any of the lawyers try a case? I don't know how that would work exactly but I'd like to see it tried with the cast of this show). The young lawyers, at the moment, just aren't there yet. As I said, I'm going to give this show two more episodes to make sense and make me want to watch. I'm not holding my breath on it getting any better, though. I'm just not feeling it.



- "The 16th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards" show thoughts: This past Saturday both TNT and TBS aired the 16th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards show. Quentin Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" took the top movie prize, which will certainly improve its chances at the upcoming Academy Awards (Eli Roth did a great job speaking for the group. What the heck was Christoph Waltz talking about, though, when he won the Best Supporting Actor award?). Mo'Nique came off a tad better on this show with her Best Supporting Female Actor acceptance speech. Jeff Bridges, the Dude, was his usual brilliant self with his acceptance speech for "Crazy Heart" (it would be so cool if he showed up at the Oscars with the Dude's sweater on). Why did George Clooney keep his head down for most of the night? Was he nursing a massive hangover?

The TV awards went pretty much as expected ("Glee" was the only real surprise, beating "30 Rock" for best TV comedy. "Glee"'s Emmy chances are looking good right now). Michael C. Hall will probably win the Emmy for Best Actor in a Drama as a result of this award and the Golden Globe win (the cancer survivor is an awards show juggernaut). I'm really getting tired of Alec Baldwin winning awards, though. Is he really that good?

Betty White's Lifetime Achievement speech was funny (Sandra Bullock's intro speech was funny, too). I was a little annoyed, though, that the retrospective video didn't include her stint on "Mama's Family." And then there was the "In Memoriam" section, which has become my favorite part of the SAG awards show because I get to find out who died that I missed. To my surprise, the great Robert Ginty was on the list (he died last September from cancer, which I didn't know). Last year, I found out about the death of Robert DoQui, Sgt. Reed from "Robocop," which was a shock. You can check out my belated tribute to Ginty here. He was a great character actor.

I like how the SAG awards doesn't have a host, it just has a voice announcing what's happening and who is coming out (not every awards show needs a host). I don't like the whole "Blah, blah, blah, I'm so and so, and I'm an actor" thing, though. It comes off as pretentious nonsense (well of course you're an actor, motherfucker, you're at the fucking Screen Actors Guild awards show). And I think TNT needs to ditch the half hour pre-show unless the network finds competent show hosts that look like they've been on TV before (I don't know who the hell that guy with the glasses is but he was a terrible host. He was so nervous I thought he was going to barf on someone).

The Grammy Awards are up next, and then the Oscars. I can do without the Grammy Awards (it's hard to care about them) but the Oscars should be a hoot. I certainly can't wait for that awards show.



- "Archer" thoughts: "Archer" is, I believe, the FX cable network's first animated show (if it isn't I obviously don't remember what the network's first animated show was) and, for the most part, it's okay. I've seen two episodes so far (for some reason I thought this show was premiering in February, not January, so I've missed a few episodes) and I've laughed at most of the jokes. I like the show's ridiculous spy agency office setting and the general look of the show. But, I think the show is too talky for its own good.

"Archer" could easily fit into the Adult Swim programming block on Cartoon Network as it looks like a demented "Venture Brothers" and you can tell after about five minutes that the show takes its inspiration from those ultra cheap Adult Swim shows. But unlike most of those Adult Swim shows, "Archer" is a half-hour show instead of a fifteen minute show, which means "Archer" tends to stretch its stories out. The characters engage in too many weird pauses followed by seemingly endless riffs about nothing at all. Some of it's funny, lots of it isn't.

The voice work is pretty decent. The lead character, Sterling Archer, voiced by H. Jon Benjamin, is perfect (Benjamin's voice work on "Family Guy" is similarly douchebaggy), as is the voice of Archer's mother Malory (voiced by Jessica Walter). I'd like to see more from Aisha Tyler's Agent Lana Kane (she's hysterical). The only one I don't like is Chris Parnell as the agency Comptroller Cyrus Figgis. He just isn't funny.

I think the show would be helped by some faster, more fluid animation, as the current herky jerky animation can get annoying after a few minutes (the half hour running time doesn't help here, either). And while I understand that the "character riffs" are part of the show's identity, but I'd like to see them tighten up a bit. Being methodical is not a good trait in animation.





- "Hope for Haiti" celebrity telethon thoughts: The big hooha all-star celebrity telethon for the Haiti earthquake victims was a fairly decent all-star celebrity telethon. It sort of followed the same template as the Katrina telethon, with celebrity pleas for donations followed by heartfelt, rather morose musical performances. The stories told by the celebrities were incredibly sad as were the live shots from Haiti with CNN reporter Anderson Cooper. The musical performances could have been better, though.

Madonna's performance was good (it was the least pretentious performance of the night, which was shocking) as was Beyonce's. The collaboration between Jay-Z, Rhianna, Bono, and the Edge was a rocking good time that helped put the earthquake devastation in perspective (it was also hilarious how it looked like Jay-Z was ignoring Bono throughout the whole song). Taylor Swift's song was appropriate. Wycleaf Jean's final jam was perfect (the song had the right balance of somberness and hope). And Coldplay did an okay job. But there were plenty of really, really bad performances.

Stevie Wonder shouldn't be allowed back to perform at these things unless he signs a paper stating that he promises not to scream. Bruce Springsteen shouldn't be allowed to perform at these things, either, unless he promises to sing a fast song (his ultra somber and sad ballad type songs are just fucking excruciating, not to mention incredibly pretentious). Sting was just fucking annoying (that dueling guitar thing was lame as hell). Alicia Keys was shockingly bad. That Kid Rock, Keith Urban, and Sheryl Crow thing was lame (it was an okay song but Kid Rock sucks). And both Dave Mathews and Neil Young should always perform alone unless they practice for like five hours ahead of time as a duo.

The other thing that was kind of annoying was the lack of musician identification. The show didn't need an announcer or flashy graphics announcing the next performer, but it would have been nice to have a momentary graphic telling the audience that "John Legend" was about to perform. The celebrity testimonials should have gotten the same treatment. I mean, Anderson Cooper let everyone know who he was. Why can't Tom Hanks get the same momentary acknowledgement?

Yeah, I know I'm quibbling about a show that was meant to get people to donate, not necessarily to entertain. And it was all for a very good cause (go here to donate if you haven't already). I apologize to the world.



- Thoughts on Rob Lowe leaving "Brothers & Sisters": According to various sources (I first saw it on zap2it.com) Rob Lowe wants out of "Brothers & Sisters" because he feels as though his character, Senator Robert McCallister, is getting lost in the shuffle. ABC has agreed to Lowe's request and will let him go at the end of the season. But ABC doesn't want Lowe to leave the network completely, and have said they'd like to develop a show specifically for him because he's incredibly talented and he's Rob Lowe.

What the hell is Lowe thinking? Does he really think he's going to get a better show, both in content and in ratings ("Brothers & Sisters" is still a hit show after four seasons) than "Brothers & Sisters?" He doesn't fare well with shows that are all about him (does anyone remember "The Lyon's Den" or "Dr. Vegas"? Exactly) but he does excel at ensemble shows ("The West Wing," "Brothers & Sisters"), so you'd think that the network would look at his track record and come up with an ensemble show for him to "lead" on (I guess that's what's really important here. He is Rob Lowe after all. You don't ignore that).

But then this is network TV we're talking about here. I wouldn't be surprised if Lowe's agent, or just Lowe himself, wanted to do a show that was all about him and his character. He is Rob Lowe. But then, too, what kind of show should he do? An action show like "Human Target" (he'd probably do well with a show like that. He's an okay action star and he is capable of making fun of himself)? Another fucking lawyer show (that's what he'll probably get in the end. And Lowe will play a lawyer that handles important cases. He is Rob Lowe)? A cop show of some kind (why not have him do a carbon copy of "Castle," with Lowe as the cop and the female character the mystery writer)?

Again, I think this is a big mistake on Rob Lowe's part. "Brothers & Sisters" is a good show that people watch. He may not be the star of the show, but being seen is sometimes more important than being in charge. Of course, this could all be some inside money argument between Lowe and ABC and, a few months from now, Lowe will agree to come back because "he's gained confidence in his place in the show" (they offered him $1 million an episode).

I mean, he is Rob Lowe.




- Why aren't there more TV shows about atheism?: I think I've covered this topic before, but I'm going to cover it again because I think it's important since we're allegedly in the midst of an ongoing culture war (Fox News and the religious channels claim this daily). If Hollywood is in the business of pushing an ultra left wing Godless atheistic secular humanist homosexual agenda on America's children, where are the good atheists on TV? Heck, where are just the plain old atheists?

Bones is an atheist. Most of the people behind "Family Guy" are atheists (at least Seth MacFarlane is). Leonard and Sheldon are atheists on "The Big Bang Theory." Those are the only shows that I can think of right now that feature atheist characters (or atheistic themes) in a somewhat positive light. The rest of television is full of "believers."

And why is that? Why are there so many "believers" on TV if there are so few in evil Hollywood? Could it be that Hollywood, like the rest of America, is chock full of religious people that believe in stuff and they want to reflect that not only because it's what the majority of the audience believes but it's what they, Hollywood, really believes?

Think about it. Where do the people that work in Hollywood come from? They come from everywhere else. Yeah, they may go to work in Hollywood and wear black turtlenecks all day, but they keep the fire and brimstone they were taught in Sunday school and it comes through in their work, even if they're not aware of it. Atheistic characters, by and large, always have to get their comeuppance because they don't believe in the truth (or the show has the atheistic characters praying out loud in a stressful situation, "proving" that atheism is just contrarianism and nothing else).

So, in conclusion, we're probably never going to see much in the way of widespread positive atheism depicted in anything. So what exactly is this culture war about anyway?



And finally,



- I have no intention of ever watching a full episode of "Jersey Shore." Ever: I've never been a big fan of the original programming on MTV (I'm not going to count "Remote Control" in this because that was actually a pretty decent game show). "Beavis and Butthead" was okay, and "Celebrity Deathmatch" had its moments ("That green sonofabitch just killed Mark Hamil!"), but the rest of it has been garbage and shit. And MTV's latest reality show hit "Jersey Shore," from all indications, is yet another big pile of shit.

I saw a piece about this show on "Nightline" the other night, and I was fucking annoyed within thirty seconds (and this was just a fluff news piece about the show that was like five minutes long). Who the fuck thinks that the fucking douchebags on this show are funny or interesting? They're fucking obnoxious. What kind of fucking asshole calls himself "The Situation?"

And after watching the fluff news piece I still have no idea what the point of the show is. Are we following a bunch of loud, annoying young people around and getting a glimpse of their daily lives, or is something else going on? The "Nightline" piece really didn't elaborate on it, and as I said at the beginning I have no intention of ever watching the show. So what exactly is this show about? And why should I give a fuck?

Why can't MTV go back to just airing music videos?

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And now, a shameless plug for TLC



The big hooha Miss America pageant is this coming Saturday, and apparently TLC is featuring a sort of pre-pageant show, "Miss America: Behind the Curtain" this Friday at 10pm (it will then air again at 7pm on Saturday, one hour before the start of the actual pageant). The pageant itself will be hosted by Mario "AC Slater" Lopez and Clinton Kelly of "What Not to Wear," which is just a dreadful show (the British one that aired on BBC America was okay for about one episode. Then it got boring. But then that's just me. There are plenty of people out there willing to watch this stuff. Are you one of them?).

Here's a look:





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Complete Lies

Once again, I engage in deliberate lying for your reading/entertainment pleasure. The following two things are not true. At all. There is no reason to believe anything here because I've made it all up. You have been warned. Enjoy.



- Former Arkansas governor, Republican Presidential primary candidate, and current Fox News weekend show host Mike Huckabee will be releasing a "Sex tape" by the spring.

But it's not what you think it is. Huckabee's "sex tape" is actually a "how to" tape for married Christian couples that have issues in the bedroom.

"Sex within marriage is a big thing. It's not the most important thing, but it's a big part of what makes for a successful marriage especially at the beginning," the former Arkansas governor said during a conference call for various news outlets. "I figured that I should find a way to help out and this sex tape idea was actually the best idea that came up."

The tape, which is actually a ninety-minute DVD, will be hosted by Huckabee and his wife of 33 years and will feature them actually having sex to show couples the right way to do it.

"This sex tape is not pornography," Huckabee stressed." I wouldn't have done it if I thought it was. And my wife wouldn't have done it, either. It's only for married couples that need help. That's what you have to remember."

The DVD, which will also come with a special prayer booklet, is set to be sold at churches across the country and at Wal-mart in March. It will be sold for $19.95.



"Thanks for teaching me how to fuck a person in the ass."



- NBC is set to announce a new primetime special featuring celebrities and hidden cameras for the May sweeps period that has Hollywood buzzing. The show, currently titled "Secret Celebrity Masturbation," will be hosted by TV legend Tom Selleck and will likely air after the "American Idol" finale.

So what the heck is "Secret Celebrity Masturbation" show about?

"Basically, what the show is is several segments with various individual celebrities alone, in a room, with a bunch of pornography. The celebrities think they're interviewing for a part in a movie, but what's really going is we're trying to see if any of them want to look at the pornography and then start masturbating. It's as simple as that," one of the show's producers told a European tabloid (NBC hopes that the show can be sold to foreign producers for foreign editions).

The special, already in the can, will reportedly "star" stand up comedian Patton Oswalt, the original "Karate Kid" Ralph Macchio, and "Dirty Dancing" star Jennifer Grey.

"You won't believe who does what first," the producer said.



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The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.



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Pernell Roberts 1928-2010 RIP



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And now, Dr. Phil.



"I once had a woman (a hot woman, mind you, not some fat skank I picked up in a bar) stick a thumbtack into the tip of my cock. Oh, fuck yeah, it hurt, hurt like hell, but it was such a weird request and she was so impressed with my bravery that she kissed my tip to make it all feel better. Then she licked it. Oh, yeah, that was awesome. And then I asked her to jerk me off with both hands. I didn't have to do anything. It was the best Wednesday afternoon of my life."

My God, Phil, you are such an asshole.

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

What's on Fearnet this week? Why don't you go here to find out?

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out free movies (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more ("Class of 1999 II: The Substitute" was in there last week. Is it still there? Check and see). The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.



Plus, you can get information on how to contact Time Warner Cable as they still haven't reinstated the free, 24/7 on demand horror channel (this has been going on for about a year now, hasn't it? What the hell is the hold up? Where the hell is my Fearnet?). Come on Time Warner! We want our Fearnet!

And, if you haven't done so already, please check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

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And now, a little bit about "Live Evil"



"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is currently on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick that's well worth the price.

The flick now also has a firm DVD release date. According to its MySpace page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD February 23rd, 2010. That's only a few weeks away, so remember that date, and be sure to keep an eye on the MySpace page and the flick's new Facebook page for further updates/developments.





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Special Comment: More People I'm Tired Of

The following piece is called "People I'm Tired Of" (I did this Special Comment previously in issue #25). Basically, it's a list of people that exist in the world of pop culture (movies, TV, crap like that) that I'm tired of both seeing and hearing about. The people listed do not appear in any kind of specific order (the first person listed is not necessarily the person I'm most tired of). Any similarity to the "Douchebag of the Week" is purely coincidental.



- Lady Gaga: I don't think I've ever heard a Lady Gaga song, and after watching her in action in various interviews (like the Barbara Walters "10 Most Fascinating People of the Year" thing) I don't think I want to. She keeps saying that she's a "performance artist," that "I'm just expressing myself," and that she's "just being herself."

No you're not, Lady Gaga. You're just being weird for the sake of being weird. Usually, there's nothing wrong with being weird. The world would be a pretty boring place if it wasn't chock full of weird people engaging in, well, weirdness. But when you're weird so you can "make a statement" (and let's face it, that's what performance artists are in the business of doing: being weird for a cause) you're just being a pretentious asshole.

She should be commended for her stands against discrimination based on sexual orientation and for equality, but how does wearing a see through plastic bubble dress or a dress that looks like a lamp help you and the world achieve that? It doesn't. It just doesn't.

Of course, people should be allowed to dress and act however they want. That's what being an American should be about. But, please, Lady Gaga, give it a rest.



- Megan Fox: Now, I'm not tired of looking at Megan Fox. I don't think I'll ever get tired of that. I could look at her every day and never get bored. I apologize to the world for being such a pig.

What I'm tired of is Fox's "I'm a tough woman and people just don't know how to deal with it" shit. You're an incredibly attractive young woman that's incredibly famous, most likely pretty dang wealthy (I'm going to assume that she's not doing all of those magazine covers for free), and you can do whatever the heck you want with your life. You could get any man or woman you want just by looking at them. You are Megan fucking Fox. You are not just another pretty face. You are the pretty face. So what's the problem?

People in general don't like hanging around assholes. If you're an asshole odds are you're not going to have many friends and people aren't going to want to hang around you. No one gives a shit how tough and strong you are. Be just and good and things should work out for you. Is Megan Fox going to latch onto that advice and run with it?

Of course not.



- Andy Dick: Oh, for the love of Christ why can't this fucking unfunny asshole just go away? He was funny for about five minutes back in the early 1990's. He was good in "In the Army Now" and on "NewsRadio" (he was okay on "Less Than Perfect"). He also had a funny cameo in "Road Trip." But that's it. Everything else has been terrible. He makes his buddy Tom Green look like Adam Sandler.

Dick is also in the news seemingly every other week getting arrested for something. He's been arrested numerous times for drugs (he was recently arrested for sexual abuse) and he's been thrown out of comedy clubs for doing stupid shit like exposing himself to the audience. When will the entertainment world tell Andy to go fuck himself? I've already told him to go fuck himself and I'm a nobody on the internets. Why is this so hard to do?

Here, I'll do it again. Hey, Andy Dick! Go fuck yourself. Was that hard?



- Steven Cojocaru: You've no doubt seen Cojocaru, also known as Cojo, on Entertainment Tonight or on the Today Show or on the Insider commenting on celebrity fashion. People love him because he's a smarmy, catty, bitchy commentator that speaks to people in a "hilariously condescending" way. He knows when celebrities look good and when they don't and he'll tell everyone who is what and why. How refreshing, right?

No, I don't think so. To me, Cojo comes off as a prick every single time he comments on some celebrity's clothing, both when he says the celebrity looks good or looks bad. His flamboyantly flaming gay man shtick is pretty old, too. It isn't funny; it's just lame. Aren't there any flaming gay guys in TV fashion commentary that aren't fucking annoying?

And I still have no idea why I should give a shit what he thinks about anything.



- Apple Computer store employees: If you've got an Apple computer store in a mall near you you've no doubt looked inside the store and seen its hip and edgy jeans wearing employees engaging in techno geek speak with customers looking for a new computer. I know I've ventured into the store several times to check out what it is that they have only to leave seconds later because some fucking male nerd in a light blue T-shirt decides I need help.

Look, Justin or Brad or whatever the fuck your name is, if I want your fucking help I'm come over and ask for it. If I want to see what the latest Apple computer can do, or if I want to look at an I-phone I will fucking ask you. I am not impressed by your jeans or your T-shirt or your name tag that looks like a back stage concert pass and all of the hurried but laid back bullshit that the Apple brand is all about. And what the fuck is with the streamlined "futuristic" white plastic and glass look inside the store? What exactly am I supposed to take from that? That you're "forward" thinking?

Fuck that shit.

And finally,

- People who still say "old school": When is this shit going to end?

"He's going to get up, man, he's old school." "He knows what's going down here. He's been around the block. He's old school." "This is going to be a game like back in the day, man. Old school."

You want to know what "going old school" really means? It means you're an asshole engaging in delusional nostalgia for a bygone era that no one in his or her right fucking mind would ever want to go back to (it may not have even happened). Brain damage caused by multiple concussions does not give you character. Driving around in a big car that gets three feet to the gallon is not cool or endearing. It's fucking stupid. And telling me that you're "old school" probably means you're a racist prick, too. I don't want to hang around with racist pricks. Calling all Latino men "Pedro" is not cool.

"Old school" really needs to go.

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The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to the U.S. Supreme Court for its recent decision giving corporations the ability to spend unlimited amounts of money on political campaigns. Labor unions are included in this decision, but let's face it, what union is going to be able to realistically outspend a company like Wal-mart or some oil company? Our TV's and newspapers are going to be inundated with ad buys by businesses that want you to vote against your own interests. And our political parties are going to kowtow even more than they do now to these evil business motherfuckers because it'll be easy money and money is what drives political campaigns.

Corporations are not people. They're made up of people, but they are not people themselves. Well, they shouldn't be. Thanks, SCOTUS for changing that.



And then there's the voters of the state of Massachusetts (that's right, I said "state" and not fucking "commonwealth." I don't give a fuck what your "official" name is, you're a fucking state), who decided to "send the President a message" by voting for a right wing lunatic for U.S. Senate. Scott Brown isn't an independent anything. He's a right wing Republican and he will do what Mitch McConnell wants him to do, mainly block every piece of legislation the majority party wants to pass. It's an election year and the Republican strategy is to make sure nothing gets done so they can then run on the "we're going to get things done" platform, which they'll be allowed to run on because no one will call them on it (the Democrats are too scared to act like they're in charge, and since there's no "liberal media" we're all fucked). Thanks, guys.



And finally there's NASCAR for inviting Sarah Palin to be a special VIP guest at this year's Daytona 500. NASCAR couldn't find a better VIP guest than the quitter Sarah Barracuda? I find this very difficult to believe. But then again, NASCAR has always worn its ultra right wing politics on its sleeve, so I guess inviting someone who knows precisely nothing about NASCAR just because she's a Republican makes sense to them. And the Moose hunter is a money whore. NASCAR must have met her price.



Fucking pathetic.

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And now, your weekly "Jericho" update



Have you read "Jericho: Season 3" issue #2 yet? If you want to you better do it soon because the book, just like issue #1, is selling out all over the country. If you're a "Jericho" fan and you you're not reading the comic book, something is seriously wrong with you. Get to your local comic book shop now and pick it up!

Go here to find a local comic book shop near you. You should also check out http://www.savingjericho.com and http://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff (I'd imagine they'll have a pic of the cover for issue #3 fairly soon). And keep an eye on http://www.devilsdue.net/, the online home of Devil's Due Publishing, for information regarding future issues and everything else Devil's Due puts out. .

You can also preorder the "Jericho" comic book as a trade paperback here. I have no idea when the TPB will come out (amazon.coms till claims that it's coming out in January, but I don't see how that's possible since they've only published two issues) but if you preorder it on amazon, they'll send it to you when it does come out. That you can be sure of.

And remember that you can still purchase the entire "Jericho" run on DVD. Go here to buy the entire series. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

It's a great time to be a "Jericho" fan! Long live "Jericho"! Yeah!




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NASCAR and IRL thoughts

The big news in NASCAR right now are the proposed changes to the Car of Tomorrow, mainly the elimination of the rear wing in favor of a rear spoiler, a move that NASCAR hopes will improve the racing, especially at the 1.5 mile tracks. NASCAR also announced that bump drafting will now be allowed at both Daytona and Talladega without penalty. Now, I'm all for improving the show creating more passing, but didn't NASCAR eliminate bump drafting because of what happened at Talladega when Carl Edwards crashed into the catch fence on the last lap? Isn't this situation just going to create more of that kind of thing?



And just like I suspected, Richard Childress Racing has benched the #07 of Casey Mears because of a lack of sponsorship (Jack Daniels left at the end of 2009). Childress said earlier this year that he was going to run Mears at, at least, Daytona, as the #07 had a guaranteed spot in the 500 (that whole Top 35 thing), It sucks for Mears because he's a good superspeedway driver and he probably would have been in the mix at the end for the win. Hopefully a last minute sponsor deal can be made and Mears can race. And if that doesn't happen, the IRL should get him a ride in the Indy 500. Will that happen?

Of course not.



Over in the IRL, the track layout has finally been released for the season opener in Sao Paulo, Brazil (you can check out a diagram of the layout here). The street course looks like it has some long straightaway passing zones, but let's face facts here: the track is going to be fucking narrow and there will be no real passing during the race. That's just the way it's going to be.

There's a rumor running rampant that Newman-Haas-Lanigan may have sponsor trouble and, as a result, Graham Rahal's future in Indycar may be in jeopardy. I don't like Rahal at all, but it would be a shame if the IRL lost another team due to a lack of sponsorship. This is not how you grow a division or a series.

Don't forget that this weekend is the Rolex 24 Hours of Daytona endurance race for sports cars. It starts on Saturday at 3pm and ends at 3pm Sunday. Be sure to check in at the start of the race and for the last 90 or so minutes on Sunday. That's when the best on track action happens.




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That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Don't forget to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

"Chris: Can I go now? Stewie's gonna help me with my math homework.

Lois: Chris...he can't help you with your homework, he's just a baby!

Stewie: And I guess you're a Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from again, the University of DUH?!?!?

Max Weinstein: I'll help you with your homework son.

Peter: My God!!! Is there nothing you people can't do, except you know... manual labor???

Lois: What a horrible thing to say! They built the pyramids!"

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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