The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 02.01.10: Issue #91
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 02.01.2010
"Lords of the Street" (2008). What the heck were they thinking?
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #91: "Lords of the Street" (2008)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has not yet been purchased by a foreign magazine conglomerate and turned into a weekly syndicated horoscope by Erik Estrada, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number ninety-one, I take a look at the incomprehensible mega low budget action flick "Lords of the Street" starring Kris Kristofferson, Ameer Baraka, and allegedly DMX (more on that eventually).
Lords of the Street (2008)
"Lords of the Street," also known as "Jump Out Boys" (I have no idea why) is the kind of movie that the low budget Italian movie business used to churn out in the 1980's. It's wicked cheap, has a few American stars in it that you'll recognize, and it makes absolutely no sense. Oh, and it's often excruciating to sit through because even if you do find yourself able to follow what the hell is going on you're not going to be able to hear any of the dialogue because the sound is horrendous. But unlike those low budget Italian movies, "Lords of the Street" has no real personality or any sense of fun. Basically, it's a big waste of time, money, and effort for practically everyone involved, and that includes yourself.
The flick stars Kris Kristofferson and Ameer Baraka as Detective Raymond (that's his last name. I have no idea what his first name is) and Detective Travis Roundtree, New Orleans cops that when they're not engaging in "witty banter" on the importance or lack thereof of the music of Willie Nelson and Tupac they're being called to dangerous situations like the one at the very beginning of the movie (some guy is in a car with a bomb strapped to his chest for some reason). Raymond and Travis will eventually find themselves hot on the trail of the dastardly Santiago (Armando Leduc), an incredibly dangerous drug dealer that stages a brazen escape from police custody at a routine hospital visit because he has to retrieve the money that his former girlfriend (Maria, as played by Ciera Payton) stole or hid for him (I'm not really clear on that point). If Raymond and Travis don't find him or Maria in time, a whole bunch of people are going to die (I assume).
But before Raymond and Travis can close in on Santiago and find Maria, Raymond has to deal with shit from his wife (Myrtle, as played by Lisa Arnold) and Travis has to deal with allegations of corruption from his boss Captain Jeffries (Shanna Forrestall) and IA detective McCoy (Sheldon Robins). I think Internal Affairs believes that Travis is in cahoots with Maria for some reason and that Travis is the one that really has the money (I could be seriously wrong about that).
So some stuff happens, there are a couple of low budget shoot outs, some really bad "poor man's process" rear projection driving scenes, one of the worst dunking a guy's head in water to make him talk police brutality scenes ever filmed, and just an overall sense that this movie was mostly like made as part of some elaborate tax dodge or was made by people who promised those involved that it would only be seen in foreign countries because it really is that bad. You could also say that it was made as part of some "Fred 'The Hammer' Williamson Film Making Scholarship" thing because you can't see anything when something happens at night (and those of us who are Fred "The Hammer" Williamson fans know, the man doesn't believe in lighting).
Oh, and DMX is in it for some reason as a Bible quoting assassin/vigilante that shows up in the middle of the movie playing pool with some guy. When he leaves the pool hall, he kills a bunch of people, gets on a motorcycle, snipes a bunch of people at the end, and then helps threaten everyone with a potential sequel where he's the main character.
The performances throughout are terrible. Even the usually great Kris Kristofferson can't save the movie with his gruffness and bad ass charisma. You spend most of the movie wondering why he ever agreed to appear in it and why he continued to work on it after the first day. You're probably also going to wonder why he spends so much time in the bathroom washing his hands and face (I'm going to assume it has something to do with Kristofferson's Raymond being a clean freak and not wanting to get sick while on the job. That's really just a guess on my part). Ameer Baraka looks like he's trying hard to have fun (at times it's like he's deliberately engaging in parody) but the cheapness of the movie undercuts him. Ciera Payton, while incredibly hot, just isn't into it. And Shanna Forrestall, as Captain Jeffries, tries very hard to make something out of her incredibly annoyed police captain but, she, too, is undercut by the movie's low budget (she does have killer legs, though. The movie gets one point for having her wear a short skirt and then cross her legs in full view of everyone, Very nice indeed).
And then there's Armando Leduc as Santiago. He's the only one in the whole movie that actually has a screen presence. I don't know how he does it, but he actually makes the movie's low budget work for him (he actually has some funny scenes in his swamp hideout. He shoots a guy in the head and then complains about the Chinese takeout that one of his henchmen went and got him). He's the only one that comes out of the movie unscathed. And Debby Gaudet, as Travis' wacky neighbor Ms. Wong, has a few funny if racist moments (there's a moment where you swear to God you think she says "Me love you long time").
And, yeah, there's DMX. He has charisma and screen presence and he's done well for himself in the action movie world ("Never Die Alone," "Exit Wounds," "Cradle to the Grave"), but his appearance and performance here are just appalling. His character has nothing to do with anything and you can't see him most of the time. Did he do this movie as a favor for someone?
"Lords of the Street" sucks. It's a terrible, terrible movie. I kind of wish (no, fuck that, I full on wish) that I never watched it. It really is that bad. It's damn near "Battlespace" bad, and regular readers of this column know how fucking bad that movie is this.
Jesus Christ, what the hell were Kris Kristofferson and DMX thinking? What?
Avoid "Lords of the Street" at all costs.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous Kris Kristofferson, gratuitous wicked low budget "poor man's process" rear projection car driving scenes, gratuitous discussion on whether or not Willie Nelson is relevant, exploding car, gratuitous low budget aerial shots of New Orleans, fairly decent opening titles song, racist white cops, gratuitous prisoner doctor's visit, gratuitous scumbag skinhead, gratuitous prisoner breakout via low budget shootout, gut stabbing, neck stabbing, bullet to the head, gratuitous low budget bullet time, gratuitous helicopter, gratuitous Kris Kristofferson brushing his teeth, gratuitous white kid playing an old Gameboy, more rear projection driving, a really bad female police captain, although she does have killer legs, a lovely middle finger, chopper pilot killing, egg buying, gratuitous Russian roulette, gratuitous bit where Kris Kristofferson talks about Vietnam (I think), more arguing about Willie Nelson, gratuitous DMX, Mack truck attack, mild homophobia, gratuitous frozen dinners, pool playing, jazz talk, mild racism towards Mexicans, gratuitous off screen sex between Kris Kristofferson and his movie wife, gratuitous ability to see the headlights of the camera car that's traveling right behind the car the camera car is filming, a cafeteria lunch out in the middle of field, gratuitous meaningless scene where Kris Kristofferson washes his face, coffee stirring, gratuitous swamp house hideout, gratuitous hot bitch rap videos, gratuitous Chinese takeout, tape bondage, some very nice boobs, gratuitous blind drug dealer, talking about ass crack sweat, a guy that looks like Richard Moll, death by hanging, off screen testicle removal, a really poor warehouse shootout, gratuitous heartfelt note writing, gratuitous DMX shooting young people on the street playing dice, a hospital waiting room that looks like someone's apartment living room, payphone hooey, gratuitous internal affairs hooey, a wild car flip, face spitting, sniping, a horrendous "man on fire" gag, and an incomprehensible ending.
Best lines: "Blue eyes crying in the rain," "Fuck you, doc," "Tell me, Mr. Roundtree, how does it feel being on the down low?," "How long can a human being last without oxygen?," "You men are hopeless romantics," "You have no right to judge me," "Did you hear something? No, don't stop!," "Good morning. I'm hungry," "Look, I don't give a damn about the bugs and the birdshit!," "I'm sorry, Travis, I can't trust anybody right now," "Do I look like a pendejo that can afford patience?," "Where the fuck is my orange chicken?," "If you call this number it must be important business," "It's a good thing to keep your eyes closed and you ears open," "This sure ain't gonna be pretty, that's for sure. Domino motherfucker!," "I have no use for excuses," "Cut his balls off. He's not a man. He doesn't pay his debts," "You stupid cocksucking idiots!," "You kiss your mother with that mouth?," "I'm not your fucking' bro," "Dammit, Roundtree, you're about as useful as a dick on a woman," "You know, I learned something today. Stick to what you know," and "Santiago, look!"
Rating: 1.5/10.0
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And now, a little bit about "Live Evil"
"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is currently on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick that's well worth the price.
The flick now also has a firm DVD release date. According to its MySpace page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD February 23rd, 2010. That's only a few weeks away, so remember that date, and be sure to keep an eye on the MySpace page and the flick's new Facebook page for further updates/developments.
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Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue (thank Drake for that. "Lords of the Street" is just awful). B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
"Lords of the Street"
Kris Kristofferson- Detective Raymond Ameer Baraka- Detective Travis Roundtree DMX- Thorn Armando Leduc- Santiago Shanna Forrestall- Captain Jeffries Ciera Payton- Maria Sheldon Robins- Detective McCoy Lisa Arnold- Myrtle Debby Gaudet- Ms Wong
Directed by Amir Valinia Screenplay by Anthony Faia III, Dan Garcia, and Sheldon Robins
