Misunderstood Masterpieces 02.02.10: Red Sonja

Posted by Will Helm on 02.02.2010

...or, Future Governor Schwarzenegger Does His Part for Feminism

OK; as some of you probably have figured out from last week, this was supposed to be The Beastmaster. Unfortunately for the column, between putting the movie on my Netflix "Watch Instantly" queue a few months ago and today, it was removed, and the film is also unavailable on DVD from the service. Though I was mulling over replacing the film with Ninja Cheerleaders, I think I found an even better replacement for the Marc Singer "classic." Please enjoy!

Though Sheena may have been one of the original loincloth-clad women of pop culture, she isn't the only one. In fact, one of the more other more famous loincloth-clad heroines stems kind-of sort-of from the titan of the genre: Conan the Barbarian. In 1934, Robert E. Howard, creator of Conan, introduced a Medieval female swashbuckler of sorts and called her "Red Sonya." Forty years later, Marvel Comics writer Roy Thomas and artist Barry Winsdor-Smith reintroduced a renamed "Red Sonja" in the pages of their successful Conan the Barbarian comic. Eventually, this new-ish Red Sonja would be featured in a handful of limited series throughout the early '80s. After a nearly twenty-year hiatus, Red Sonja returned as a property of Dynamite Comics, returning with a series that continues on to this day.

Shh. Don't tell the poster
that Schwarzenegger
isn't the main character.

In the meantime, however, there is still the mystery of the twenty-year break between the Marvel Comics era and the Dynamite Comics era. This is an easily solved conundrum, though, as, just as Marvel's Red Sonja stopped garnering her own limited series, a film adaptation of the Red Sonja story was released which pretty much killed the character until Dynamite resuscitated her. Oddly, the film, released in 1985, featured one of the hottest action stars of the era – and the man who portrayed Conan the Barbarian to much acclaim – Arnold Schwarzenegger. As well, in the title role, an exciting, young, statuesque Dane named Brigitte Nielsen – who would later become known for being more infamous than famous – made her feature-film debut. Though Schwarzenegger's previous Conan films did well at the box office, Red Sonja flopped and flopped hard, earning only $7 million and the disdain of critics across the country. Something tells me, however, that there's something that audiences and critics missed; perhaps, unlikely as it may seem, Red Sonja is actually a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

Of course, I may already be wrong, as the film begins with – sigh – an introductory scrawl, explaining all about how this is going to be a tale of legends and justice and VENGEANCE. OK, scrawl; how many movies aren't about those things? Unsurprisingly, the movie is silent on the matter. Perhaps because it's too busy setting fire to a farmhouse somewhere in nondescript lands. Damn you, movie! After the fire, Der Kommissar doesn't come to town, but a blurry ghost wakes up a sole survivor of the blaze who just happens to be a redhead named Sonja (Nielsen). That's pretty darned convenient. Anyway, the ghost tells Sonja that she has to get REVENGE against the queen who is responsible for all this devastation; oh, so this is just a gender-flipped version of Hamlet, then? In case Sonja didn't believe the ghost's claims, the ghost provides some exposition and evidence of the queen's misdeeds in the form of a twenty-second origin story for Sonja. Then, the ghost gives Sonja the gift of super-strength . . . or she just works for BALCO.

Brigitte Nielsen escaped
from a Robert Palmer video
for this shot.

Elsewhere, some guy rides through the plains, slowly, while Ennio Morricone phones in a score that sounds like a lazy version of the Conan theme. No word on whether or not he was conducting the orchestra while counting his pay for the film, though. Eventually, the mysterious rider stops at a bridge and reveals himself to be Not-Conan (Schwarzenegger). Meanwhile, at a nearby temple, some HOT CHICKS worship a giant ball of kryptonite. After they pray to the kryptonite, the HOT CHICKS reveal that they're going to destroy it, which is a really odd form of worship, especially since destroying the kryptonite may also destroy the universe . . . or something like that.

Before the HOT CHICKS can destroy the kryptonite, though, a horde of Mongols raids the temple and the Mongols and HOT CHICKS fight. The HOT CHICKS seemingly have the upper hand, since they're awesome sword-fighting HOT CHICKS, but more Mongols show up to slaughter the HOT CHICKS, just so they don't get cocky. Conveniently for the plot, though, one of the HOT CHICKS hides out through the battle and watches as some chick who is apparently a queen (Sandahl Bergman, Conan's love interest in Conan the Barbarian) rides in to give a monologue. After her little soliloquy, the queen tells her assistant (Ronald Lacey, who looks like a combination of Benny Hill and Wallace Shawn here) and the Mongols to steal the kryptonite, but not before she uses it to make a random Mongol disintegrate, since only women can touch it. She then throws some surviving HOT CHICKS in a pit, but the one that's been hiding out escapes.

Just outside the temple, Not-Conan spies the Mongols leaving the scene and then he sees a few chasing the escaped HOT CHICK. The escaped HOT CHICK tries to zip across a chasm, but she gets shot in the processes. Luckily for her, Not-Conan was waiting patiently on the other side to catch her and kill a few of her Mongol pursuers. While Not-Conan tends to her wounds, the HOT CHICK – who just so happens to also be a redhead – mentions that she wants to see her sister. Hmm . . . I wonder who that might be?

I so wish he would make
people call him
"Governor John Matrix."

After a mention of this mysterious sister, the scene shifts to Sonja training with some samurai in front of a squatting statue. Something tells me the statue is a commentary on the quality of this film. Anyway, after Sonja bests one of her samurai classmates, Pai Mei gives her a verbal sword-fighting diploma and then he tells her that she should get a love life, which is kind of hilarious. Evidently, according to Pai Mei, life isn't all about "swordplay" . . . although that could just be a euphemism in this case. After the graduation, Pai Mei gives Sonja a present: a new sword, which may or may not be made by Hattori Hanzo. Before Sonja chooses her new sword, she hears voices, which guide her to a very special sword; no word on whether or not it clears up Sonja's apparent schizophrenia, though.

After before Sonja can leave and go get a love life, Not-Conan rides up with news of Sonja's sister and he and Sonja ride of together to visit her. After a short trip, Sonja and Not-Conan meet up with Sonja's dying sister, who provides exposition about the kryptonite ball and tells Sonja to destroy it before the evil queen can use it to destroy the world or something like that. After her spiel, the sister dies and Not-Conan attempts to comfort Sonja, who's totally not into it. Hmm . . . maybe she just doesn't swing that way; that'd be an interesting plot development.

After Sonja tells Not-Conan to get lost, Sonja cremates her sister and then watches a fake storm cloud in the distance. Sonja rides off to investigate the bad special effects but not before Not-Conan once again offers his help, which Sonja spurns because she's totally an independent woman. Nearby, under the fake storm cloud, Sonja finds some little emperor (Ernie Reyes, Jr., the '80s' official martial-arts kid) standing on a stone hand amidst ruins while yelling at his fat slave Falken (Paul L. Smith) to help him out. Instead of the Falken doing the hard work, Sonja shows up and rescues the little emperor by trying to kill Falken in the process. Falken, to his credit, bumbles his way to safety.

My, what a big
sword you have.

After the crisis is averted by all, the kid reveals that he's just a prince named Tarn and then he states that the queen from earlier destroyed his city with the ball of kryptonite because he didn't surrender to her. Then again, he might be too young to know what "surrender" means. While Tarn throws a fit about nothing in particular, Falken tells Sonja where she can find the queen and Sonja repays him by telling him that he should give Tarn a good spanking. Ah, there's nothing like the threat of corporal punishment for good comedy.

While Not-Conan spies on Sonja, Sonja rides to a mysterious fortress blocking the path between her and the queen. Sonja calls for the owner to let her pass as she's in a hurry, but the owner really isn't in much of a rush. That could very well be because, when Sonja finally meets him, he turns out to be a lazy viking (Pat Roach) who wants to get it on with Sonja. Sorry, fella; she just isn't into that. Sonja likes to dine at the Y, it seems. Sonja, put out by the lazy viking's advances, threatens him, which he finds hilarious . . . until she challenges him to a duel. The lazy viking, sensing an easy victory, obliges Sonja and Sonja responds by popping a ketchup packet that the lazy viking happened to be hiding under the chainmail on his shoulder. Now his snack of french fries is going to be totally ruined! Of course, it probably won't matter much, as the lazy viking, not aware that Sonja was a student of Pai Mei, is quickly killed by his female opponent. Sonja, victorious, steals the lazy viking's key, but, before she can leave the scene, the lazy viking's troops attack her. Luckily for her, Not-Conan was waiting in the wings for just this opportunity to show off and he fends off the troops, allowing Sonja to escape.

Later, in the forest, Sonja finds Tarn and Falken being hassled by some bandits, who are torturing Tarn. Sonja interrupts the proceedings and rescues Tarn by killing a few of the bandits; Tarn gets his REVENGE by kicking another bandit a few times, just because he's good at that kind of thing. Meanwhile, at her palace, the queen arrives and she has the ball of kryptonite put in a room full of candles because it's apparently powered by light. Shh . . . don't tell the environmentalists that solar power will eventually destroy the Earth! Either that, or the candles are there to set the mood, in case the queen gets a little excitable over the ball of kryptonite. Anyway, her henchman lectures her about keeping the ball around, but she's unconcerned about his concerns.

His shorts say "While you're
reading this, I'm busy
kicking your ass."

The queen, who's just chilling at this point, retires to her throne room, where she pets her big, hairy . . . spider before her hammy alchemist (Tutte Lemkow) conjures up some porn by accident. After everyone gets a big peek into his spank bank, the hammy alchemist uncomfortably changes the channel to show the queen Sonja and her cohorts – Tarn and Falken – making their way toward her lands. The queen, who didn't know that Sonja survived the fire that was mentioned in passing WAY earlier in the movie, freaks out because Sonja is alive and she wants her rival captured just to find out how the hell she did it.

On the outskirts of the queen's lands, Sonja, Tarn, and Falken come upon a dinosaur-bone bridge; once there, Tarn freaks out for no reason, so Sonja attempts to spank him, until Falken steps in to take the blows. Instead, Sonja compliments Falken, because he's not an annoying little kid. After this weird little interlude, Sonja and her crew make camp and Tarn, perhaps to get his ADHD under control, practices sword fighting, but not in the sense that Pai Mei told Sonja about earlier; I mean literal sword fighting. Sonja, since she's always interested in literal sword fighting, joins Tarn and slaps him around a bit, under the guise of teaching him. Tarn, to his credit, kind of likes being dominated by a woman, so Sonja teaches him about sword fighting. Elsewhere, the queen watches the whole scene from her palace and plots Tarn's and Falken's demises, but not Sonja's, because she still wants her nemesis alive.

Sometime later, the queen's henchman conjures a storm, which forces Sonja and her associates to take refuge in a conveniently located cave. While Sonja wants to get moving, Tarn wanders around the cave and finds a pearl stuck in a mysterious carved dragon's mouth; Tarn, unconcerned with the raging torrent outside causing the cave to slowly flood, tells Falken to get the pearl and Falken, being a dope, complies. Rather than earn Tarn riches that will easily rebuild his kingdom, the stealing of the pearl instead wakes up a rubber sea monster covered in armor plates. While Sonja and Falken freak out, Tarn rides the monster for a bit, until the monster knocks out Sonja. Dum-dum-DUM!

A little bit of Benny Hill . . .

Just when things seem their bleakest, Not-Conan shows up out of nowhere to join the fray and goes for a swim in the cave. While Sonja comes to and climbs the walls of the cave to safety, Not-Conan grabs onto the rubber sea monster and plays rodeo with it, until he figures out that he and Sonja have to pry out its bionic eyes, since it just so happens to be a robot. In the world of Red Sonja. Yep. Sonja and Not-Conan then join forces and blind the rubber sea monster, allowing everyone the chance to escape while the rubber sea monster thrashes around in whatever the robot equivalent of pain is.

After the storm subsides, Sonja tends to Not-Conan's wounds while he tells her that he's the specially appointed guardian of the ball of kryptonite, even though he totally failed in his duties. Meanwhile, Sonja thought that he was following her because he was into her and not on the same quest. Although, Not-Conan actually is kind of into Sonja, whether she likes it or not. I wonder if Pai Mei set him up with Sonja on a blind date or something. Sonja, who'd rather kill Not-Conan than date him, tells her that he has to beat her in a sword fight, so he challenges her and they duel, even though he's not at 100%. While Falken yells at Sonja and Not-Conan to keep it down, Tarn jumps into the fight to cockblock Not-Conan, much to Not-Conan's chagrin. After Not-Conan fends of Tarn and tells him to scram, he and Sonja continue their battle . . . for hours and hours, until they both fall asleep from exhaustion. I wonder if this is all an allegory for sex?

plus some Wallace Shawn . . .

Eventually, Sonja and her team reach the queen's palace, which they plan on getting into by scaling the walls. First, though, they trick Tarn into staying behind by telling him that's the most heroic job there is. Hehe . . . the little kid is dumb. While Tarn guards the front door, the rest of the heroes climbs the wall while hunks of Styrofoam are flung at them from above. Midway up the wall, Sonja, Not-Conan, and Falken find a thermal exhaust port – no word on whether or not there's a main port nearby – and they climb into it to breach the palace's walls.

While the henchman yells at the queen for overusing the ball of kryptonite – which the queen finds hilarious, the heroes raid the palace and split up. Falken, being a bumbling fool, interrupts a staff dinner by landing on the table, which the guards don't appreciate very much. Luckily for him, Not-Conan arrives moments later and together they slay the guards. Meanwhile, the henchman tries to escape the palace, but Tarn, who was waiting outside the whole time, confronts him and tells him not to be a wimp. The henchman, though, would much rather be a wimp who beats up little kids, so he fights Tarn. Tarn, being a wee bit more agile than a dopey henchman, bests the henchman, who ends up getting crushed by the palace's front door.

. . . equals Major Toht?

After lots of milling about, Tarn finds the queen's throne room and, within, the queen's HOT CHICK (Lara Naszinsky); oh . . . so that explains why the queen wants Sonja alive: she's totally attracted to her. Nice. While Tarn tries to figure out just what to do with the queen's HOT CHICK – he is a little young for the obvious, the queen pops in behind him and captures him, just as Sonja shows up to confront the queen. With her quarry and possible paramour before her, the queen throws away Tarn and faces off with Sonja, as they both want REVENGE, since the queen killed Sonja's family while Sonja once spurned the queen's advances, giving her a nasty scar in the process, which was apparently the whole reason why the queen killed Sonja's family in the first place. Damn that's confusing.

Anyway, Sonja and the queen finally fight, but the queen has a few tricks up her sleeve, as she has the hammy alchemist teleport her around the room. In the meantime, Ax from Demolition attacks Sonja, but Sonja kills him easily, meaning that only Smash and Crush will be left to defend the tag-team title. With his apparent assistant dead, the hammy alchemist magically attacks Sonja, which slows down Sonja until she has a chance to behead the hammy alchemist. While Sonja takes the fight to the queen again, Tarn runs through the palace to find Falken and Not-Conan. Sonja and the queen conveniently fight their way into the room full of candles; before they can finish the battle, though, Tarn sneaks into the room and interrupts, getting in the way when he's least needed. Before the queen can take the advantage, though, the ball of kryptonite causes an earthquake which causes everyone to fall down for a little bit. Moments later, Sonja and the queen recover and Sonja then anticlimactically drops the queen into a pit of lava that just happened to open up in the room.

The proper title probably
should be Red Sonja in
Development Hell.

Sonja, wanting to end the movie, does the same with the ball of kryptonite, but there isn't much rejoicing as the palace starts to blow up! The heroes attempt to make their escape, as Not-Conan holds up the rafters while everyone else makes their way to the front door. Once there, Tarn attempts to sacrifice himself to open the door, but he gets out anyway since it'd be really uncomfortable to kill him of at this point. While the palace crumbles behind them, the heroes joke around and split up, but not before Not-Conan gives Tarn some romantic advice, which is really creepy. After Falken and Tarn ride off, Not-Conan takes his own advice and challenges Sonja to another duel, which is just an excuse for them to make out. I guess the awesome power of Not-Conan is enough to thwart homosexuality.

Legendarily, Maria Shriver, Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife, once remarked to him at the premiere of Red Sonja that "If this doesn't kill your career, nothing will." While Red Sonja didn't end up killing the career of California's governor, it's almost a miracle that it didn't, as the film is just plain bad. The film is largely goofy and should be much longer, as Sonja's backstory is condensed into a twenty second montage, which doesn't help to flesh out the character. As well, Brigitte Nielsen seems to play the character as an angry lesbian, rather than a woman who's too bent on revenge for love. Schwarzenegger, meanwhile, portrays his character a little too loosely, as if he knows at this point that he's way too good for playing Conan – or, as the case may be, Not-Conan – anymore. At least Sandahl Bergman wisely taps into a campy performance by overacting with aplomb in her role as the evil queen, giving the film at least a modicum of entertainment. Sadly, there isn't much else, as Red Sonja – which may eventually be remade with Rose McGowan . . . or not – a too-short, too-light misstep and a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I finish up this trio of films with an actual Conan film. Then, for Valentine's Day, a tradition returns to the column with the biggest adult film ever of all time! See you then!
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