TV Rants and Raves 2.03.10

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 02.03.2010

Rants and Raves about the return of Psych, the end of Ugly Betty, the Damages Season 3 premiere, the passing of Zelda Rubinstein, Dylan Ratigan's new MSNBC show, the Grammy Awards show, the return of The Puppy Bowl, two more Complete Lies, a very Special Comment about Sylvester Stallone's Cobra, Chris Mathews wins a very special award and more!

TV Rants and Raves Issue #30: In this issue I Rant and Rave about the end of "Ugly Betty," the "Damages" Season 3 premiere, the return of "Psych," Dylan Ratigan's new MSNBC show, the Grammy Awards show, the return of "The Puppy Bowl," and more, plus two more Complete Lies, a very special Special Comment about Sylvester Stallone's "Cobra," Chris Mathews wins a very special award, and more, plus RIP Zelda Rubinstein

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that has never been to hell and back because I'm pretty sure that hell has no exit door (and why would it? If you think about it, isn't that exactly what hell would have, no escape? See, the expression makes no sense) TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Before I get into the main hooha of this issue, I want to mention the recent passing of the great Zelda Rubinstein, who died last week from natural causes (according to imdb.com). She was 77.



Pretty much everyone in the world knows her from her standout work in the "Poltergeist" movies as the psychic Tangina, but I tend to remember her more for her performance in the incredibly weird and creepy 1987 Spanish horror flick "Anguish," where she played a mother that hypnotizes her son (the great Michael Lerner) to kill people and cut out their eyes. Rubinstein's character isn't the least bit sympathetic and is, at times, just pure evil. It's an amazing performance that people will hopefully take the time to see.





Of course, Rubinstein also did great work in "Sixteen Candles" and "Teen Witch," among others (she's the only reason to even watch "Teen Witch." She also shows up in "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon" and "Wishmaster").

But, let's face it, she's always going to be Tangina, she's always going to be that kind of creepy but still warm presence that knows exactly what you have to do in order to fight back against the evil spirits in your house. She knows how to get your daughter back.







Zelda Rubinstein was always interesting, and she will be missed.




Zelda Rubinstein 1933-2010 RIP

***

And now, with that out of the way, onto the main hooha:

TV Rants and Raves

-"Ugly Betty" cancelled? What a bunch of hooey!: That's right, it's a bunch of hooey.



I guess we should have seen it coming last summer when ABC announced that the show, which had aired on Thursdays as the lead in to "Grey's Anatomy," would move to Fridays. Friday is pretty much a broadcast TV wasteland where networks send shows to die (the only major network that seems to have any interest in original Friday night programming that isn't news magazine show related is CBS. NBC has "Law & Order" airing on Fridays, but that show is pretty much bulletproof at the moment. Even if the ratings are way down the network is still going to churn out episodes because they want to be the home of the longest running primetime drama in American TV history). After "Eastwick" flamed out and got cancelled, ABC moved "Betty" to Wednesday night at 10pm to, I assume, take advantage of the lead in from hits "Modern Family" and "Cougar Town," but that strategy didn't work. ABC announced the show would not get a fifth season renewal and that its series finale would air in April.



I'll admit that the show had slacked off a bit at the end of season three and into season four, but it was still a very good, very warm, and very funny show. America Ferrera was great as the title character Betty Suarez, and Vanessa Williams has been brilliant since day one as the uber bitch Wilhelmina Slater, Betty's nemesis. Eric Mabius was decent as bad boy bachelor Daniel Meade. Michael Urie and Becki Newton were awesome as Marc St. James and Amanda Tanen, the catty office workers that hate Betty because she's "fat" and unfashionable (although I have to say that I never once thought that Betty and Marc would become friends). And Ana Ortiz's Hilda, Betty's sister, was fun most of the time (her relationship with Ralph Macchio should have gone further). And the great Tony Plana was, well, great, as Ignacio Suarez, Betty's father. It was, and is, a great cast.



So now that we know for sure that the show is coming to an end, what do we have to look forward to? Will Betty eventually hook up with her former boss Daniel? Will Wilhelmina ever find true happiness? Will Meade Publications still exist in the future or will it go out of business or get sold to Sledgehammer? Will Amanda ever find her true father? And will someone ever explain how Mark Indelicato's Justin Suarez isn't gay?

And here's something else I'd like to see the show explain by the end of its run. What other shows does that fashion news channel have besides that one with Alec Mapa's Suzuki St. Pierre? His fashion news show seems to be the only show on the channel. Does it run on a loop?



Hopefully, "Ugly Betty" ends with a bang (no, not that kind of bang) and it goes off the air with a semblance of dignity. Betty deserves it.





- "Damages" Season 3 Premiere thoughts: I've been waiting to see the next season of "Damages" ever since I found out that both Martin Short and Lily Tomlin were going to join the cast and that Rose Byrne's Ellen Parsons would start the season off working for the New York DA's office. Ellen would finally get away from Glenn Close's diabolical Patty Hewes and do something useful with her law degree (oh, sure, Patty Hewes enjoys taking on big scumbag corporate thiefs and whatnot, but she enjoys destroying the people that work for her more. Look at Tate Donavan's Tom. That guy is a total wreck). Of course, I knew that eventually Ellen and Patty would have to cross paths and that the season's story would get them together at some point, but it was nice knowing that, for at least a little while, Ellen would be kind of happy and less stressed.



I certainly wasn't prepared for the final scene of the first episode, with the revelation that poor, destroyed Tom is fucking dead (and why the hell is he in that dumpster?). I can't to see how that works itself out (I'm not even going to venture a guess on how it happened because right now I have no idea). I will say, though, that at least Tom got to see his last name, Shayes, on the door of the firm since he was made an equal partner last season (that'll probably go down as his one and only victory in life).

Now, I don't know if I'm all that enamored just yet with the whole "Bernie Madoff" rip off story, with Patty trying to figure out what happened to all of the money Louis Tobin (Len Cariou) lost/hid/whatever the heck it is he really did. The internal Tobin family arguments are kind of interesting, though, with Marilyn Tobin (Lily Tomlin) arguing with her son Joe (Campbell Scott) over what happened to the invested money and what they plan on doing about it (just how is the family going to come out of this with dignity?). Martin Short's family lawyer character, Leonard Winstone, hasn't yet reached the heights of evil douchebagness that Short is more than capable of reaching. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that at some point during the season Winstone is going to end up with blood on his face.



I'm very intrigued by what Keith Carradine's character is all about. We've seen him twice now hitting on Patty in a bar and both times she's spurned his advances. But Carradine clearly isn't going to give up. He's going to continue to pursue her. Why, though? What the hell does he see in her? Is Carradine some kind of henchman for Winstone, or is this part of some elaborate plot put into motion by Ellen to get back at Patty for all of the shit she's put her through?



I do have a question, though. When did Ellen shoot Ted Danson's Arthur Frobisher in the chest with a shotgun? Did that happen last season? I don't remember that happening. Is that something we have to look forward to this season (was it a flash forward/flashback type thing?).

I also want to say kudos to whoever hired the great Tom Noonan as Detective Victor Huntley, the cop investigating Patty's car accident and Tom's mysterious death. You can never go wrong with Tom Noonan.

I'm going to make an effort this season to keep up with the show and watch it every week as opposed to stacking up about five episodes and then watching them as a block. I want to see if the show holds my interest that way. It should. Even though I despise Patty Hewes, I can't wait to see where the season goes and what happens. Just where the heck is this show going? Why the hell is Tom dead?



- "Psych" Season Premiere thoughts: The great "Psych" made its return on USA last week, on Wednesday night (it used to air after "Monk" on Fridays). The episode featured a guest appearance by pro wrestler and movie star John Cena as a special agent kind of character (Cena is also apparently the brother of Detective Juliet O'Hare (Maggie Lawson) and the great Robert "T-1000/Colonel Ryan" Patrick as a no nonsense Army general. Cena handled himself well among the nonsense and it's probably his best acting performance yet (he's an okay action star, but he has a knack for comedy that will hopefully be exploited in future movie and TV guest spot roles). I imagine he'll be coming back later in the season, since his character escaped police custody under mysterious circumstances (hopefully we'll find out the nature of Cena's work in the spy agency or whatever the heck it is he works for).

The show is still as good and as funny as ever, with stars James "Shawn Spencer" Roday and Dule "Burton 'Gus' Guster" Hill getting better and better as a comedic crime fighting duo. Their back and forth sounds more natural and less forced, even when Spencer gives Gus a ridiculous name (like "Butterchips"), and they just work better as a unit. I used to say that the show would be better if it was a half hour instead of an hour, but I've changed my mind. "Psych" now works as an hour long show. I am a little disappointed, though, that Rachael Leigh Cook's Abigail character is going away to Uganda. She has great chemistry with Roday and it's a shame that we don't get to see them interact more (I'd actually like to see Shawn bring Abigail to more crime scenes. It's funny). Hopefully Abigail will be back later in the season. Hopefully.

Now, the big question for "Psych" is can it survive on a different night without "Monk" as its lead in? I'd like to think that the show can survive, but I have my doubts. When you get right down to it, "Psych" is a silly, silly show. It doesn't have the appeal "Monk" or the mega popular "Burn Notice" or even "White Collar." It doesn't have that "sophisticated" feel about it (no cool guys in suits, no major gunplay, the heroes of "Psych" are basically cowards) and it doesn't have that critical "ooh ah" that the other major USA shows have. It's a big old goof. I mean, look at the recent commercials for the new season.



Pretty ridiculous, huh? Funny, yes, but ridiculous. Again, can the show hold an audience and survive by itself?



On a related note, Dule Hill did a great job last week as the guest host of "WWE Monday Night Raw." He was clearly prepared for the part as he seemed to know who the wrestlers were and he understood the idea of the current wrestling show. It's too bad that Roday couldn't have joined him on screen (fucking appendicitis) but his phone call into the show was pretty dang funny. I didn't quite get the whole "Alicia Fox slaps Hill across the face" thing at the end, but all in all Hill was one of the best guest hosts so far. Good job, Dule.

- Dylan Ratigan's MSNBC show is awful: It is. It's awful. Terrible. It stinks.



Now, I'm talking about his new afternoon show, the one that airs before "Hardball" from 4-5pm. Ratigan used to have a two hour show in the morning, but I never saw that. I'm kind of glad that I didn't see it, because if it was anything like his hour long show it no doubt double sucked.

Ratigan is one of the worst cable news show hosts I've ever seen. He's a boring non-presence on screen, and from the three shows I've seen he doesn't add any insight to anything being discussed. He's just there asking questions with that annoying voice of his. And that wouldn't be a problem if the hour was just an hour of news, but it's "The Dylan Ratigan Show" meaning Dylan Ratigan is important and someone I should pay attention to (why give him a show if you don't want me to pay attention to him?).

Is this the best MSNBC can do? Is Ratigan the best lead in for Chris Mathews they could find? Why couldn't they get Ron Reagan to do an hour before Mathews? Or Eugene Robinson?


- Grammy Awards show thoughts (well, on the last 90 minutes): I like watching awards shows but the Grammy Awards show has never been a "must see" show to watch for me. It's always a tight, well run show considering the number of awards the Grammy committee has to give out and all of the live performances the show features, but I've never been all that enamored with it. It could be due to my general lack of interest in current popular music, but I'm not really sure about that.

So, anyway, I caught the last ninety minutes or so of the show last Sunday (I was busy watching an hour long episode of "Cake Boss" where Buddy and his baking team made a life size NASCAR stock car cake). I started watching when Michael Jackson's kids left the stage, so I obviously missed the big hooha 3-D Michael Jackson tribute (was it worth watching?). I did see the Bon Jovi performance, though. That was fucking awful.

I can't stand Bon Jovi anymore. I never really liked him when he was part of the "hair metal" scene, but I could stand listening to some of his stuff ("You Give Love a Bad Name" is an okay song). Now he's just some pretentious douchebag pretending to be Bruce Springsteen (and, truthfully, one of those is more than enough).

And can someone please explain to me what the fuck Dave Mathews was doing to his guitar during his performance? Does he always make those faces when he's performing live? The big rap performance at the end was a complete waste of time because of all of the "bleeping." And Lady Gaga needs to go the fuck away. What the fuck was she wearing? Was she supposed to be imitating a stone or something?



And I am really not looking forward to the "Taylor Swift made country cool" shit that's no doubt going to be the talking point in the country music world since she won Album of the Year against Beyonce and whoever the hell else was nominated. Look, country music people, Taylor Swift didn't "make country cool" by beating Beyonce. She actually made country music look kind of weak. Swift won because she's a pop star. Get over it, and get over yourself, people. You can gloat over her when you give her all of your own awards.

Wouldn't it be cool if the Grammy show had more rock on it? AC/DC was nominated for an award, but I don't think they performed (and if the group did it sure as heck wasn't advertised). I probably would have watched the whole show in anticipation of that.

The Oscars are the next really big awards show. I'll definitely watch that.



- Why isn't the Director's Guild of America Awards show on TV: The Screen Actors Guild has its own awards show on television, and the last time I checked, movie and celebrity nerds are just as interested in directors (well, maybe less so the celebrity side. Steven Spielberg is a celebrity to everyone, and Eli Roth is a celebrity to people like me and, perhaps, you, but the regular old celebrity watcher probably has no idea who the hell Eli Roth is). So why not have the DGA awards show on TV?

If the DGA show was actually on TV, maybe then TV directors could get some respect, and people in general could get a better idea of what it is a TV director does (notice how no one ever talks about a TV director's "vision" whereas that's all anyone ever talks about in regards to movie directors). And we'd actually get to see some of these TV directors. We all know what James Cameron looks like. Do we know what Constantine Makris looks like (he's directed 53 episodes of "Law & Order")? I have no idea what he looks like.

Now, does the Producers Guild have an actual awards banquet type thing or do they just vote and then announce the results? If the PGA (I'm going to assume that's what the Guild's initials are) does have an awards banquet type thing why isn't that show on TV, too? Maybe then people could find out who producers are and, like TV directors, what exactly it is producers do. In general, when I think of a "producer" I think of an interfering asshole that can't stop bothering the director (or the screenwriter for that matter). Are all producers really like that? A televised awards show could help change that view.

And how about the Writers Guild people? Why the hell don't they have an awards show on TV? You'd think that'd be a fun show, a bunch of weird looking but witty people being weird and witty for two hours.

If we're going to have an "awards season," let's get all of the awards on TV.



- The "Puppy Bowl" is this Sunday. Are you excited?: If it's Super Bowl Sunday, you gotta know that it's also time for the "Puppy Bowl" on Animal Planet, the greatest little puppies playing block of programming in the history of television. This Sunday's show will be the sixth annual "PB," and I'm sure that, like the previous five, it'll be a blast.

I just wish that Animal Planet would make it a three hour show again, instead of two hours. I think the show just works better as a three hour block. I'd also like to see the cable network dial back on the production value stuff, like the music and the sound effects and the "announcer" (does that guy really need to say something every five seconds?). What was wrong with the first edition's format that had the occasional announcer message?

I'd also like to see the elimination of the kitten half time show. The kittens are cute and all, but they're not as much fun as the puppies. The "tail gate party" outside the "arena" is fun, though. And the "bowl cam" is one of the greatest TV innovations ever (it's great when the little puppies step into the bowl and then argue over which one gets to drink first).

Now, from the commercials I've seen for this year's edition there will be a blimp operated by hamsters or something. That could be funny, but I sure hope they don't talk.

"Puppy Bowl VI." I can guarantee you that it will be a better pre-game show than the actual pre-game show.




And finally,



- The new "Let's Make a Deal" is terrible: The new "Let's Make a Deal" on CBS, hosted by Wayne Brady, is a terrible, terrible show. I don't know why it's so dang bad, but it is. Brady is a decent enough host (I've been a fan of his since I saw him on the American "Whose Line is It Anyway? and he definitely has a knack for game show hosting. That singing show he did on Fox was pretty fun), and the idea of the show is still as good now as it was back in the old days (prizes behind doors, the whole weirdoes in costumes thing trying to get on the show by being weird), but it just doesn't work.

According to imdb, when CBS decided to get back into the daytime game show business after cancelling the long running soap opera "Guiding Light," the network had to choose between "Let's Make a Deal," a new "The Dating Game," and a new "$1,000,000 Pyramid." I'm going to assume that CBS picked Brady to host the show regardless of which one they picked, and if that is what happened how did he bomb on both "The Dating Game" and "Pyramid?" Brady has the right kind of charisma and quick wit to make a new "Dating Game" work, and he would no doubt rock on a new "Pyramid," so, again, what the heck made CBS say "let's do the costume show?"

If this is the future of daytime TV, with the networks slowly getting out of the soap opera business, I hope the other networks figure out how to make a good, fun afternoon game show. If the new "Let's Make a Deal" is what we have to look forward to on every channel, afternoon TV is going to be pretty awful.

Pretty goddamn awful.

***
And now, a shameless plug for TLC



Have you ever wondered how the world famous Duggar family manages to manage so many dang kids? Well, if you are one of those people wondering, be sure to check out "19 Kids and Counting." Yeah, I know it aired last night, but there will be reruns and whatnot. Enjoy.



***

Complete Lies

Once again, I engage in deliberate lying for your reading/entertainment pleasure. The following two things are not true. At all. There is no reason to believe anything here because I've made it all up. You have been warned. Enjoy.



- Bill Cosby is reportedly set to buy time on all major networks this coming March to speak to the country about something that has been bothering him for a long, long time. Sources claim that Cosby plans on showing the country the proper way to cook bacon.

Why bacon? Sources say that Cosby is tired of going to breakfast all over the country, ordering bacon, and then not being able to eat it because "no one knows how make it properly." The comedian is expected to go into detail on what kind of bacon is the proper bacon and, ultimately, how to cook it.

Cosby is keeping most of the specific details of his nationwide, primetime bacon infomercial under wraps (he is expected to have thirty second commercials advertising the special two weeks before), but one detail has come out: he is going to discuss why pre-cooked microwavable bacon is not bacon.

"The Cos can get pretty upset when he starts talking about pre-cooked bacon," one man familiar with the details of the special said on condition of anonymity. "He just hates the stuff."



- Tom Bosley, best known as the father on the sitcom "Happy Days," announced over the weekend that he plans on walking a pig across America for charity.

Bosley isn't walking for any one specific charity, though. "I'm doing this to get people aware of the idea of giving to all kinds of charities and then, hopefully, people will give to those charities," the actor said during a conference call.

The pig, named Mildred, is from a friend's farm and has been checked out by vets and will be able to make the trip from San Francisco to Buffalo. Bosley will have the pig on a leash the entire time. "I don't like guns, but I will have a cattle prod with me just in case something tries to take out Mildred," Bosley said.

Rumors have been running rampant since the announcement that Bosley is really using this charity stunt to drum up support for a special edition DVD set of his late 1980's show "Father Dowling's Mysteries," but Bosley's representative said that just wasn't true.

"Tom's a good guy and he believes in helping people. And, yeah, he'd love to have a 'Father Dowling's Mysteries' DVD out there, but this event isn't about that," Bosley's rep said.

Bosley is expected to start his trek at the end of March.



***

The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.



***

And now, Dr. Phil.



"I don't believe in a hairless ass on a man. I'm sorry, I just don't. If you're a man you should have a hairy ass. But, yeah, that hair can cause problems. Gross problems. Sometimes, after taking a shit, you get some shit stuck in the hair. It can happen, okay? So how do you clean back there? You don't want to be fucking around with a mirror and bending over trying to comb it out. That shit can hurt. So get your bitch to do it (wife, girlfriend, whatever). If the bitch loves you she'll do it with a smile on her face (and if you're lucky she'll give you a rim job. Who doesn't like that? Am I right?)

Well, if you don't have a bitch and you're scared of prostitutes, call up a midget. They're in the phonebook and they're always in need of work. You won't even have to bend over. You may have to provide a step ladder, but, really, that's a small price to pay."

My God, Phil, you are such an asshole. What fucking phonebook has "on call" midgets in it?

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

What's on Fearnet this week? Why don't you go here to find out?

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out free movies (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more (The classic "The Toxic Avenger" was on there last week. Is it still there? Check and see). The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.



Plus, you can get information on how to contact Time Warner Cable as they still haven't reinstated the free, 24/7 on demand horror channel (this has been going on for about a year now, hasn't it? What the hell is the hold up? Where the hell is my Fearnet?). Come on Time Warner! We want our Fearnet!

And, if you haven't done so already, please check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

***
And now, a little bit about "Live Evil"



"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is currently on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick that's well worth the price.

The flick will also be hitting DVD soon. According to its MySpace page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD February 23rd, 2010. That's only a few weeks away, so remember that date, and be sure to keep an eye on the MySpace page and the flick's new Facebook page for further updates/developments.





***

A Very Special Special Comment: Why we need more "Cobra." Boredom is the disease, and entertainment is the cure, man.

***The "Special Comment" feature is in the midst of some "retooling" (it'll probably have a different name soon), and because of that "retooling" I decided to postpone the thing I was originally going to talk about and instead rerun an essay I did for the 411 movies zone back when my weekly column was called "What?!! This Column!??" (don't worry, I've spiffed it up a bit to make it look kind of new). Enjoy.

Why we need more "Cobra." Boredom is the disease, and entertainment is the cure, man



Sylvester Stallone is in the midst of finishing his soon to be B-movie action classic "The Expendables," and once that movie is a gigantic hit (and why wouldn't it be a gigantic hit? It's got Jason Statham, Jet-Li, and Dolph Lundgren, among others in it, including Bruce Willis, Ahnold Schwarzenegger, and Terry Crews! Holy shit "The Expendables" is going to be awesome) people are going to start asking Sly what he plans on doing next. Will he do another "Rocky" movie? Another "Rambo" flick is allegedly in the planning stages. Or will he do something, like "The Expendables," original?

Personally, I wouldn't mind if he made another Rocky Balboa epic, or killed a bunch of people with a big ass machine gun again in another "Rambo" movie. All in all, those movies were pretty dang good. But then, on the other hand, do we really need another Rocky Balboa adventure? Or another John J. Rambo epic? Wouldn't it be cool if Stallone, in the midst of once again rehashing all of the awesome stuff he did back in the day, put "Rocky" and "Rambo" aside for the moment and took another of his 80's icon action flicks, tinkered with it, and turned it into an actual franchise instead of a one time movie experience?

Of course it would be cool.

Remember "Cobra," the 1986 super cop versus rampaging cult of axe wielding lunatics in Los Angeles flick? The one with the hot car with the license plate "AWSOM 50," the submachine gun with the laser sight, the pearl handled .45 magnum with the snake head design on it? The one where Stallone, as super cop Lt. Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, has the following great lines:

"I don't deal with psychos, I put them away."

"You're the disease, and I'm the cure."

(In response to the supermarket killer threatening to blow up the building) "Go ahead, I don't shop here."

(And, after drenching a guy with a barrel of gasoline and setting him on fire with a match) "You have the right to remain silent."

Yes. That movie.



I've always felt that "Cobra" played like a sequel to a movie that was never made. For instance, what the heck is "The Zombie Squad," the group within the police force that Cobretti and his partner Gonzalez (Reni Santoni) belong to? The only information we're given are during two instances, one from sniveling wimp Monty (played by the always great Andrew Robinson), "This is pure investigative police work, not jumping through a window," and towards the end when Gonzalez tells Brigitte Nielson that The Zombie Squad is "The Bottom Line." It all sounds cool, but what exactly are they talking about? And why does Cobra have his own set of computer files and mug shot books in his apartment? How does he get that? And when did cops get to carry around live hand grenades?



See? Questions that were never answered.

So what could Stallone do in this situation? He could take "Cobra" and make it the middle part of a trilogy. The first movie, taking place in the late 1970's, early 1980's, could be a movie about the creation of "The Zombie Squad." Los Angeles could be in near ruin, running rampant with hoodlums and killers and criminals. The public is demanding justice, but the weenie court system, the DA, the federal government refuses to do anything about it. So, the LAPD decides to create a super elite police force that can use whatever method it deems necessary to take down the bad guys (yeah, yeah, I know, it's an amalgamation of that really cool TNT cop show "Wanted" with Gary Cole and the LA based Chuck Bronson "Death Wish" movies, but, heck, "Cobra" is just a very dark action horror riff on the "Dirty Harry" and "Death Wish" movies anyway). It would feature a young Stallone look-alike, a young Gonzalez look-alike, and add in new characters.



Then, when that movie is finished, they use the 1986 "Cobra" as the middle part, and then they do a third movie that starts exactly where the second movie left off. Stallone would be riding off into the sunset with Brigitte on the back of his bike, the music jamming, and then wham! The bike explodes and Stallone and Brigitte get thrown from the bike! The psycho killer cult still has people lying in wait. Stallone gets up and wastes the lingering bad guys, goes back to check on Brigitte, but she's dead. Stallone gets sad, upset, and then goes into exile. Fast forward to like 1990 or something, and the Zombie Squad, still operating in some capacity, needs the exiled Cobretti back because there's a killer on the loose (remember, Gonzalez also told Brigitte in "Cobra" that Stallone is great at catching psychos) and they need the great Marion "Cobra" Cobretti to catch him. Or they need Cobretti back to train a bunch of new recruits because he's the only one who can explain the proper way to kill lunatic criminals in Los Angeles. Or something like that. We'd get to understand what exactly the Zombie Squad is, why it has that name, why it did what it did, etc. And if the first flick with the "younger Stallone" was a hit, they could do more movies with that character later on, after finishing the third flick (oh, and the third movie's title could be "The Bottom Line").



"Cobra" takes a whole bunch of hooey for some reason (even Stallone has said that he doesn't particularly care for it anymore. It's not "about anything." Yeah, right, Sly). It's a decent thriller, the closest thing Stallone has done to a horror movie (it's like Stallone against an army of Michael Myers types), and the action sequences staged by the late, great George P. Cosmatos (remember, he also did "Rambo: First Blood Part II." Yeah, James Cameron may have written those action scenes, but Cosmatos made them happen on the screen) are amazing. The car chase, the exploding gas trucks, the spinning around and shooting at the car causing it to explode and then spinning back around, the insane motorcycle stunts in the final siege at the hotel motel, and the stalk and slash stuff (the scenes that make Brian Thompson shine as the sickening psycho cult leader Night Slasher) on the street and in the hospital are just, again, amazing. The movie moves along at a fast clip, very little time is wasted (the only drag on the flick is the roadside diner scene where Sly and Brigitte have that heart to heart talk. That stuff just drags on and on. Less love story would have helped here, but, hey, back then Sly and Brigitte were in love. You can't blame them for wanting to showcase it for the world). I'd probably cut that back in the "Cobra" re-edit.

So why not do this, or something like this? Why shouldn't Stallone bring back "Cobra" and flesh it out? Read the last paragraph's first line. The hooey it takes (and still takes) from critics. The movie is "stupid," and if it's stupid why go back to continue the stupidity? Or they'd just bring up that Lou Diamond Phillips and Scott Glenn already made the "first" movie way back in 1993 ("Extreme Justice," by the great Mark L. Lester, of "Commando" fame) and it wasn't that great. My answer to that would be this proposal is not a re-imagining, a remake, we're not actually going touch the "first" flick; we're just going to flesh it all out and make it something whole. And we need more "cool" kick butt cop characters out there on the big screen.

Just imagine the third movie's teaser trailer: an older Cobra, in the shadows, you can only see the white handle of the .45 and the slight reflection on his super dark sunglasses, and then you hear him say "Crime is still a disease. And I'm still the cure." And whammo slammo! We'd have a movie. And then, when it's over and "Cobra" becomes the pop culture phenomena of the century (well, probably more like "decade" is anything) we'd all walk around with our toothpicks and hand grenades and submachine guns telling people "We don't shop here." It'd be great.

But none of this will probably ever happen anyway.

But wouldn't it be cool?

Interesting?

A great, potential artistic feat?

Come on, Sly, let's do this.






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The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to "Hardball" host Chris "Tweety" Mathews, for his recent analysis of President Barack Obama's first State of the Union speech. Mathews said that, while listening to the speech, which he loved, he "forgot that the President was a black man."

What the hell does that mean? Is Mathews saying that, within the context of his own mind, that had the President been a black man throughout the speech, he would have sounded differently? What does a "black man" sound like? Is this another version of the Harry Reid "Negro dialect" thing?

Mathews has been a douchebag ever since he foamed his pants interviewing George W. Bush during the 2000 election, when Bush told him that his hero was Winston Churchill. Tweety couldn't tell that Bush, heavily coached, was working him over? This "didn't sound like a black man" thing may be worse than that.



And then there's Roger Ailes, the President of Fox News, for going on ABC This Week and lying his ass off about what Glenn Beck says on his network. After being confronted by Arianna Huffington about Beck's remarks, Ailes, well, go ahead and watch:



Pretty sad, huh? It's a good thing the liberal media went after him, right? He sure was taken down a notch, right?



And finally there's ABC, for cancelling "Ugly Betty." The show could have lasted at least another season, but the network decided to junk the show after deliberately destroying its ratings by moving it to Friday nights. So now that Betty will be ending in April, what the heck is ABC going to replace it with? Will ABC come up with a similarly fun show, or will it go all "Flash Forward" on us?

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And now, your weekly "Jericho" update



Have you read "Jericho: Season 3" issue #2 yet? You'd better do it soon because issue #2, just like issue #1, is selling out all over the country. Get to your local comic book shop now and pick it up!

Go here to find a local comic book shop near you. You should also check out http://www.savingjericho.com and http://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff (I'd imagine they'll have a pic of the cover for issue #3 fairly soon). And keep an eye on http://www.devilsdue.net/, the online home of Devil's Due Publishing, for information regarding future issues and everything else Devil's Due puts out.

Here's the cover for issue #3:



Pretty cool, huh? Just what the heck is Hawkins looking at?

You can also preorder the "Jericho" comic book as a trade paperback here. I have no idea when the TPB will come out (amazon.coms till claims that it's coming out in January, but I don't see how that's possible since they've only published two issues) but if you preorder it on amazon, they'll send it to you when it does come out. That you can be sure of.

And remember that you can still purchase the entire "Jericho" run on DVD. Go here to buy the entire series. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

It's a great time to be a "Jericho" fan! Long live "Jericho"! Yeah!

Oh, and if you really consider yourself a "Jericho" fan and you're not reading the comic book, something is seriously, seriously wrong with you.

Seriously, you need to go out and get this book.



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NASCAR and IRL thoughts



The big news in the IRL Indycar Series is the loss of yet another team due to a lack of sponsorship, with IRL founder Tony George's Vision Racing shutting down presumably for the season (there's slight talk that Vision may be able to run the Indy 500 but that's looking less and less likely by the day). Vision's one-car team was expected to run the entire 2010 season with Ed Carpenter behind the wheel and Menards on the side pods, but a deal could not be reached that was suitable to all involved.



So how many full time teams does that leave for the season? No one seems to know. By my general count, I'd say that the series is going to struggle to come up with 18 cars per race unless some serious deals are made in the next few weeks (Indy should have 33 because it's Indy). And it really looks like Newman Haas Lanigan isn't going to run Graham Rahal this season. Like I said last issue, I don't like Rahal but it's not good to lose him or NHL's second team (Hideki Mutoh is expected to be the primary driver for NHL this season).



The NASCAR season is about to begin with the Bud Shootout this Saturday night on Fox. The Speed Channel is going to have some bullshit selection show or something on Thursday (I have no idea what the show will be selecting). I'm sort of looking forward to the on track action, but I sure as heck am not looking forward to Darrell fucking Waltrip's "Boogity boogity boogity" shit. I wouldn't mind if I never heard that again.



The big stock car story this coming weekend, though, is the debut of Danica Patrick in the 2010 ARCA season opener Saturday afternoon. It'll be interesting to see how well she does in a pack drafting and whatnot. If she runs well in the ARCA race it has been confirmed that she will make an attempt to qualify for the Nationwide Series race next Saturday. That'll certainly boost the ratings for Daytona's secondary events.



I managed to catch some of the Rolex 24 Hour Sports Car race, and while the end of the race wasn't as exciting as last season it was still a pretty decent endurance race. I'd like to know what the heck Justin Wilson thought was wrong with his Ganassi car. If he hadn't pulled into the pits he probably would have challenged for the win.

It's good to have racing back on TV. It really, really is.


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That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Don't forget to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Lois: I'm sorry for everything that's happened Peter. I guess I'm going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men.

Peter: Well what are we supposed to do Lois? Just admit that there's no excitement left in our marriage, go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table talking about how much we both like Total?

Lois: Ooh, I love Total!

Peter: Ooh, actually so do I, and it's healthy for us too. OH GOD IT'S STARTIN' ALREADY!

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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