The Sagacious Spectator 02.10.10: The Spectator's Guide to The Modern Western

Posted by Steve Yanosey on 02.10.2010

I've not yet begun to defile myself.

Frankly, I think the Western is an overlooked genre nowadays. There have been quite a few made in the last twenty years, but most of these can hardly be considered "classically" good.

There are, however, a few diamonds in the rough.

And before I list said diamonds, here's a few of the rough: Wyatt Earp (the fact that it was released right around the time Tombstone was really hurt it – the comparisons definitely don't do it any favors. Also, it's long and boring), Appaloosa (sorry, but the book version was tremendous and this wasn't, despite a great cast), The Quick and The Dead (Russell Crowe doesn't usually disappoint, so I was kind of shocked by this one), and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (which put me to sleep in the first five minutes).

For the record, I consider any movie a "Western" if it takes place in the American, Canadian, or Mexican wilderness in either the 18th, 19th, or 20th Centuries up until the beginning of the first World War. So, I wish I could mention The New World, but it takes place too early to truly be Western by these standards, and Brokeback Mountain, which is an excellent movie, but it takes place in the mid-to-late 20th Century, which is too late.

Here are the Best Westerns (not the hotel chain) from 1990 – 2010.

Tombstone

Is this the greatest movie ever about freakishly large mustaches? Yes. Is this the greatest cast ever assembled? Yes. It features Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, that dude from Sex in the City, that dude from Cliffhanger who always looks angry, Sam Elliott, Bill Paxton, Powers Boothe, Michael Beihn, Charlton Heston, Jason Priestley, Stephen Lang (hidden under a beard as that pussy Ike Clanton), Thomas Hayden Church, Dana Delany, John Locke from Lost, and that other guy from that other movie (you know the one I mean). And you can't mention Tombstone without talking about how Val Kilmer deserves a retroactive Oscar for his role as Doc Holliday. I don't know any other film where every single line of dialogue uttered by one of its characters is an absolute gem, but Tombstone pulls it off with Doc. Dennis Quaid, who played Doc Holliday in Wyatt Earp, crapped his pants as soon as this came out.



Awesome Scene That I Won't Spoil By Giving Away Too Much of: Um, everything? Pretty much any scene with Doc Holliday being a charming asshole. And Michael Beihn as Johnny Ringo is a secondary show-stealer.

Overheard While Watching: "You're no daisy. You're no daisy at all. Poor soul, you were just too high strung." ~ Doc Holliday, to Johnny Ringo, after making him into a corpse.

Unforgiven

Unforgiven is the accumulation of every Clint Eastwood gunfighter character from the previous three decades and is, hands down, the King of all Westerns, no matter the year made. William Munny is the bitchin'est, awesomest, ass-kickin'est gunslinger there ever was. He was so badass that he promised his dearly departed wife he'd quit them ways because he'd done enough killing. That's until they murdered his buddy Ned.

The genius of Unforgiven lies in the modern principles and ethics applied to a genre that had long glorified bloodshed. Examined this way, everything about the Western characters movie-goers used to love was turned on its head. This is one case where it certainly helped to have seen a great deal of the director and star's previous work, as it heavily informs the plot and changes the viewing experience immeasurably.



Awesome Scene That I Won't Spoil By Giving Away Too Much of: The ending, where Gene Hackman, a.k.a. Little Bill, gets his final judgment handed down to him. You will either love or hate what follows right after. I loved it.

Overheard While Watching: "Ned, you remember that drover I shot through the mouth and his teeth came out the back of his head? I think about him now and again. He didn't do anything to deserve to get shot, at least nothin' I could remembered when I sobered up." ~ William Munny talking about the good ol' days.

Open Range

This movie is an overlooked epic, and that is a shame because it's somehow both gritty and gorgeous at once. Say what you will about Kevin Costner, but the man's got chops. He and Robert Duvall make a formidable tandem as a pair of "free-grazers" running into a bit of trouble with some folks who don't take kindly to their free-grazin' ways. The film, besides having a well-structured (if sometimes a bit slow) plot, features one of the most well-orchestrated and visceral gunfights ever put to film. There are parts in the shootout where you will find yourself flinching. The only fault I can really find with this one is the somewhat overwrought romance between Costner and Annette Bening's character.



Awesome Scene That I Won't Spoil By Giving Away Too Much of: The gunfight at the end. Kevin Costner's character was a tad miffed, I'd say. Plus, if you thought a scene with cowboys getting emotional as they share a chocolate bar would only be in Brokeback Mountain, you are wrong.

Overheard While Watching: "One twitch, and I'll see you in hell" ~ Boss Spearman cocking his shotgun.

Seraphim Falls

I'm a big fan of movies where the choice of who to decide is good and who to decide is bad is left up to the viewer, and this movie respects that. Seraphim Falls is a surreal Western that follows Liam Neeson as a Confederate soldier chasing Pierce Brosnan, a Union soldier, through the snowy mountains and into the desert for an unexplained (until the end) reason. This movie finishes up like a weird LSD trip. Remember how I said you'd either love or hate the Unforgiven ending? Well, same goes for this movie, except in this the ending sucks. It ruins an otherwise totally awesome two hours. But you can't have everything, I suppose. Still, who knew James Bond and Qui-Gon Jinn could make such a damn good Western?



Awesome Scene That I Won't Spoil By Giving Away Too Much of: The opening. An essentially wordless chase through the snow where Neeson's posse hunts down the lone Brosnan.

Overheard While Watching: "Kid, that's W-H-O-R-E. Don't much matter how you spell it, a woman ain't gonna be yours unless you're paying her for the night." ~ Hayes explaining his romantic view of life to Virgil.

Deadwood

Deadwood is not a movie, but fuck it, who cares. Over three seasons, HBO cranked out this profane and hyper-violent show about a rustic gold-mining town in the Dakotas, and I was extremely thankful. Just like The Sopranos and Rome, Deadwood features a highly charismatic, amoral man at its center. That man, Al Swearengen proved to be one of the best TV characters of the last ten years and made a pretty decent star out of Ian McShane. And Swearengen is second only to Doc Holliday in his ability to turn a phrase.



Awesome Scene That I Won't Spoil By Giving Away Too Much of: Seth Bullock's (Timothy Olyphant) and Swearengen's epic fistfight on the saloon deck.

Overheard While Watching: "Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man… and give some back." ~ Al Swearengen demonstrating that he would make a great father.

The Last of the Mohicans

Hawkeye is the adopted son of Mohican Indians and lives with them in upstate New York while the French and English try to annihilate each other in the background. Can a movie be a Western if it takes place in Colonial America? Well, I guess that depends on if you take the term "Western" literally or if you go by the movie's spirit. It fits my previously mentioned criteria in that the locale fits and it's the correct time period, and that's good enough for me. Forget the fact that girls like this movie because Daniel Day-Lewis is dreamy and is basically Rambo's great-great-etc grandfather in the way he owns the woods, popping out of trees and killing the British left and right with his tomahawk. If you like to watch people running through forests at high speeds, this is the movie for you.



Awesome Scene That I Won't Spoil By Giving Away Too Much of: When Hawkeye and his crew rescue Munroe's daughter and her sister.

Overheard While Watching: "When the Grey Hair is dead, Magua will eat his heart. Before he dies, Magua will put his children under the knife, so the Grey Hair will know his seed is wiped out forever." ~ Magua (Wes Studi) ponders his plans for the evening in the third-person.

Dances With Wolves

John Dunbar deserts his Union Army comrades and, quite suicidal, finds himself living in the wilderness and having weird, semi-erotic staring contests with a big bad wolf. Eventually, he runs into some Native Americans who live not too far from him, and they learn to love each other while sharing some laughs along the way (I'm sure you'll be thinking, as I was, that this is almost certainly where Vince McMahon got the idea for a certain early ‘90s WWE wrestler's gimmick). Like Costner's other Western on my list, Open Range, this movie goes down like a big helping of vegetables, compared to the big bag of popcorn that is Tombstone. Dances and The Last of the Mohicans are notable for falling under one of Hollywood's favorite clichés: White Man Goes "Native/Alien". Add it to the list with Avatar, The Last Samurai, The Mission, The New World, Dune, and District 9.



Awesome Scene That I Won't Spoil By Giving Away Too Much of: Kevin Costner as John Dunbar riding through the line of fire, hoping to die and not caring how it happens.

Overheard While Watching: "We will shoot some arrows into the white man. If he truly has medicine, he will not be hurt. If he has no medicine, he will be dead." ~ Wind In His Hair shows why his name is not Beats Around the Bush.


… And the Best Western (again, not the hotel) MVP award goes to Kevin Costner, who loves the Western genre like he loves baseball movies. I think the old guy's got a few more left in him, so join me next week for the Top 40 Kevin Costner Baseball Movies.