Syndication Files 02.10.10: Celebrity Deathmatch
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 02.10.2010
Ever wanted to vision a violent battle to the death between famous people filled with blood and unusual fatalities? Celebrity Deathmatch is the next closest thing. Not just watched for its display of gratuitous violence and horrid deaths, but Celebrity Deathmatch is also a satirical view on pop culture thought the magic of clay. Also included: my favorite Super Bowl commercials!
Welcome Thrillho to a Super Bowl-sized edition of the Syndication Files.
Ya, I said that just to post that video in here. Posting Simpsons clips is starting to become the rage around these parts…if you consider one or two other columnists posting random Simpsons clips in their articles a rage.
How about that Super Bowl, huh? Well, you would know since last night's game became the most watched American TV show of all time. That means an estimated 106.5 million people got to see Peyton Manning screw the pooch in another big game. Yippee.
The city of New Orleans may once again become nothing more than a pile of wood and ashes but at least this time it's the result of something good that happened. Thank you Drew Brees for giving everyone an excuse to drink and party all night long.
The party doesn't stop there. There are still 2000+ words for you to go through. You and me. Let's do it.
No real celebrities were harmed during the making of this column.
Syndication Files #30
Celebrity Deathmatch
That's what it's all about
Suddenly my handmade Play Doe spaghetti ("Daaaaad…it says non-toxic") that I remember making years ago doesn't look so inspiring anymore.
Ah, Celebrity Deathmatch. A uber-violent claymation television show that would put sweet innocent Gumby in his place. If you don't remember Celebrity Deathmatch, it's the show where they would pit together clay version of famous (and mostly hated) celebrities in a fight to the death. There's really nothing else to it besides grabbing a ball of clay and letting imaginations run wild in a bloody rampage.
Eric Fogel is the mastermind behind the Play Doe-like decapitation-thon, where it initially started on MTV's old animated program Cartoon Sushi.
Side note: Remember MTV? The channel dedicated to music, music television, and music videos? Well, no more they said! With the recent new logo change, they are no longer promoting themselves as a music channel. At least they're finally admitting it instead of letting the charade go on for much longer. Now it's MTV: Home of Jersey Shore.
Anyway, Celebrity Deathmatch first appeared as a short featuring Charles Manson vs. Marilyn Manson (hint: Manson won). The people's love for claymated violence between celebrities and serial murders was so great that MTV decided to go ahead with a pilot episode of the program. The pilot aired during Super Bowl XXXII halftime show titled Deathbowl ‘98. So it came down to watching the Super Bowl halftime show (let's see…the stage featured The Temptations, Smokey Robinson, The Four Tops, and Boyz II Men) or watching the Spice Girls and Hansen rip each other apart in the satisfying main event. Tough choice.
Whatever the case, the tactical decision worked as MTV's halftime special became the highest-rated special in the history of the prestige network. The Play Doe-like brutality pleased people to pieces. With happy smiles, MTV decided to green-light Celebrity Deathmatch as a full-fledged program. I guess it can still be counted as a music-related program when bands and singers are emphasized via pulverization to the face.
Madonna vs. Michael Jackson - I dedicate this fight to the memory of Michael Jackson
See. Music related programming at its finest.
Three months later, Celebrity Deathmatch began to regularly appear on the air. The date that the show first aired was on May 14, 1998 and would go on to last for a practical amount of years.
Celebrity Deathmatch is part celebrity roast, part Gladiator, part wrestling, and part freak show. It takes the aspect of a professional wresting show without the actual wrestling (insert obvious joke here). The show would put these celebrity clay replicas together in an "anything goes" battle to determine who was worthy of avoiding the cold grip hand of death. We are even treated to pre-fight and post-fight interviews, press conferences, commentary, and locker room chit-chat, just like a real wrestling show! If you ever wanted to see a simulated matchup between snooty idols and overhyped performers, then this show became the next closest thing…unless you count Celebrity Boxing.
Come on now, we all know that doesn't count for squat.
Celebrities (all impersonated by voiceover actors) would be pitted inside a wresting ring, where the only rule is to decapitate each other in the most gruesome and fun matter possible. Fights would feature rival stars and real life feuds to account for the show's only display of realism. Some bouts made sense at the time – such as Jay Leno vs. David Letterman in a battle between the biggest TV late night hosts (still ongoing), Adam Sandler vs. Chris Rock in a battle between the funniest comedians, and Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Sylvester Stallone in a battle of the biggest action star (and where the loser would become Governor of California). The show even featured professional wrestling stars such as Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Undertaker, and Mankind back with the WWF had an intimate (hehe) relationship with MTV.
Others combinations were…well, weird but still made sort of sense. Busta Rhymes vs. William Shakespeare? I guess the crime of Busta Rhymes' version of the English language was too much for Shakespeare to bear. How about Al Gore vs. "Weird Al" Yankovic? What the…oh, they're both named Al. Clever but no Al Bundy? The less said about Albert Einstein vs. Chyna, the better.
Most of the time, the fights ends with horrid yet creative deaths. Everyone's favorite referee Mills Lane (who shockingly was really voicing as himself until he suffered a stroke in 2002) was there to make sure that everything is on the up-and-up, which is strange considering it's a no-holds brawl to the death. Lane would allow anything to happen in his ring except for biting. I agree, biting is so juvenile and classless. Fictional hosts Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond would provide running commentary on each fight with a hilarious barrage of puns, zingers, and innuendos, along with the occasional useful annotation.
Kid Rock vs. Eminem – Hey, more music artists fighting!
If anything, Celebrity Deathmatch is really a satirical view on pop culture in general thought the magic of clay. Tons of individual celebrity, television, and movie references are spread throughout each bloody battle, as if celebrities needed to be punched below the belt any further. A violent battle to the death wasn't enough, so let's hurt them with nasty references and words! No celebrity was safe from the harsh commentary of Johnny and Nick, who became the voice of the people…or really just voiced whatever haters were thinking at the time.
Celebrity Deathmatch displayed our deepest and darkest desires of watching celebrities getting their "just-deserts". You know it, I know it. Just read the comments section of any 411-related celebrity news! You wish mayhem on these people! All MTV did was draw up those emotions and delivered a novelty TV show where people's bloodthirsty desires were fulfilled. You got to watch actors, artists, politicians, athletes and comedians beat each other to a bloody pulp, resulting in an extremely well animated tongue in cheek program that was fun for all ages.
Too deep? Probably. Oh well, here's a clip.
Tyson vs. Holyfield – The mother of all rematches
The fun thing about Celebrity Deathmatch is finding yourself rooting for certain people to win. We all had our favorite celebrities and we were rooting for those people to win. I mean, no way was Chris Kattan going to beat Bill Murray. Ditto Leonardo DiCaprio over Woody Harrelson. Looking over the fight results, I can't really see an outcome where I really disagreed…wait, Whoopi Goldberg over Robin Williams and Billy Crystal? Bull!
Well, the show is designed to have mismatches meant to misdirect viewers from the obvious outcome. It's clever and keeps you on your toes…you know, for a show where clay brutality is the source of entertainment. While it does suck to root for either Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie, somebody has to win between those two. While there are outcomes where both combatants die in the end, beggars can't always be choosers.
Pink vs. Mandy Moore – Uh, has anyone heard from them lately?
I'm not going to lie to you - this show possibly appeals to only the lowest common denominator. I wouldn't know since I'm right there in that group (only with beter speling) but maybe viewers straddling the Mensa line may not find any of this entertaining. It's nothing more than violent celebrity bashing (literally and figuratively) in clay form. Peacemakers and anti-war groups possibly won't love this show either. After all, watching two people (even in fantasy form) beating the crap out of each other into a violent death is a pretty sick idea.
By the way, I love irony. Do you?
But let's take a look at this again. Underneath the insults and bloodshed, it's one of the most satirically cutting edge shows I have ever seen. The gore is just an added bonus but the satire cuts deep. It's a show that demos pop culture and gratuitous violence to those who love violence and wrestling. It's funny and mind-blowingly entertaining. Isn't that all we want out of our television shows?
For a show that is nothing but clay violent and childish verbal abuse, I sure did get tons of word mileage out of it. Time for the big finish.
MTV had the show until October 20, 2002, when the show reached hiatus territory. MTV2 (because one music channel dedicated to nothing but "music" wasn't enough!) announced the revival of the show and premiered the new edition on June 10, 2006. The show featured new voice cast, a new look, and the revival of all of the celebrities that had died in the previous incarnation of the series. The new Celebrity Deathmatch even added in more CGI goodness in place of more clay. After all, the limits of claymation was starting to show. By replacing that with CGI, the show would enhance the mayhem and gore with even more clever fatalities and gruesome acts. There was even more fan participation involved. Fans could vote for matches that they would want to see in future episodes and could also send in write-in requests.
Celebrity Deathmatch was more popular than ever. So of course it made tons of sense when MTV decided to cancel the popular show on October 20, 2007. The series lasted for six seasons and 103 episodes. Boo-urns!
Too bad the show ended before its time. There's still a boatload of possible new matches that could have ended up in bloody claymation. So much potential that could have been made. Here are a few (more like a dozen) samplers on the top of my head (with winners included):
Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady – Winner: Joe Montana. Mwhaha.
Megan Fox vs. Angelina Jolie – Winner: Who's more hot and less annoying...Jolie.
Miley Cyrus vs. Vanessa Hudgens – Winner: Cell phone cameras everywhere
The Kardashians vs. The Lohans – Winner: If all of them annihilated each other, then everyone wins!
Michael Phelps vs. Usain Bolt – Winner: Bolt. Winners don't do drugs.
Quentin Tarantino vs. Michael Bay – Winner: Bay via multiple explosions.
Tila Tequila vs. Shawne Merriman – Winner: Tila for no reason other than to further piss people off. I know you would be too.
Jay Leno vs. Conan O'Brien – Winner: Conan. Too easy.
Beyonce vs. Chris Brown – Winner: Beyonce. Technically Brown did beat her once, so this evens the score.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson vs. Vin Diesel – Winner: The Rock for making better movies…I think.
Jon & Kate Gosselin vs. Octomom – Winner: Well, it's not their children I can tell you that much.
Floyd Mayweather vs. Manny Pacquiao (which might be the only way to get these two in the ring) – Winner: Postponed. Of course.
So many fun possibilities yet the closest way these fights can happen now are through Google Fight or by playing that awful video game adaptation. Tons of potential wasted.
Celebrity Deathmatch brought the joy of watching clayebrities punish each other in a series of needless violence and nonstop laughs. If you like wrestling, violence, claymation, pop culture, or all of the above, then welcome to a show that executes those desires all in one satirical rich program. It's a shame that it only lasted for a couple of years but if you're hankering for some more claytalities, there's always Play Doe and liquid red food coloring.
Or maybe an easier way would be to go here to see free full episodes. Enjoy!
Commercial Break – Super Bowl Edition
My Top 5 Favorite Super Bowl Ads
5. Hyundai – Brett Favre
Hehe. It's funny because it's true. But Sears already beat Hyundai to the punch with a better Favre ad. For one thing I couldn't figure out what the selling point of this product was (wait…Super Bowl commercials are used to advertise products?) until the last 10 seconds. At least the trophy looked cool and Favre still has that sense of humor that has won him the hearts of millions (along with losing two million hearts in the process). Now pray this doesn't actually come true.
4. Motorola – Megan Fox (in a Bathtub)
Say what you want about Megan Fox (which no doubt you'll continue to do) but I don't know how putting Megan Fox in a bathtub is a bad thing. Talk about using Fox with maximum efficiency: plop her in a tub with very few speaking lines. The rest practically writes itself. You can even say that it's her greatest onscreen performance ever (and the winner for most Backhanded Compliment Award goes to…). That tattoo is still an eyesore. And what's up with that thumb?! Bonus points for the gay guys slapping each other silly.
3. Coca Cola - Simpsons
I'm a suckering for anything Simpsons and having their latest shrill at #3 is evidence of that. Who didn't feel a little sad for Mr. Burns when he lost all of his money, despite his wicked heart? He just looked soooo sad. Fortunately he got to enjoy a Coke at the end. So remember this: if you lose everything, grab a Coke. It'll make you feel better. While I'm a little disappointed that there were no speaking roles (other than Milhouse aka Thrillho), at least Spiderpig made a rare appearance.
2. Snickers – Betty White Plays Football
I don't know what Snickers has to do with regaining your manhood during a pickup football game but watching Betty White getting slammed into the paydirt was utterly epic. Having White come back with "That's not what your girlfriend said" was definitely the highlight of the night in everything besides the Big Game. Special mention goes to Abe Vigoda, who can also take a hit as well as anyone not named Peyton Manning. At least Abe didn't choke under enormous pressure.
1. Google – French Love Story
Wow. It's amazing how a simple and plain home page could tell such a heartwarming story about foreign love. Unlike most of the other commercials, this one effectively advertised the product (or in this case - search engine) from beginning to end. It was more enjoyable than any of those annoying Bing commercials or even that Leap Year movie! I personally thought the end would yield a funnier search ("how to get a divorce") but the sweet ending pushed the commercial to the top of my list. I guess Google isn't just used to search for naked pictures of celebrities and porn after all. Super effective…or at least as super effective as a commercial featuring the concealed traps of marriage would be.
Tweet or Ban!
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You want more dark comedy? Well, there's your (upcoming) dark comedy!
Ending Credits
A couple more notes on Super Bowl commercials:
- Why did Letterman ever agree to start in a commercial with Jay? Did the events that have transpired between the two in the last couple of months mean nothing? Why make Jay seem sorta likeable in the first time in months? Are we not supposed to hate him with a passion? Porfirio no like. Bad medicine.
- That was the Tim Tebow ad? That was it?
- I liked the LeBron-Howard dunk-off and especially liked the Bird appearance at the end. Whodat, indeed.
- Okay, which one of you poor schmucks actually went to GoDaddy.com? For those who didn't, don't worry. You didn't miss much.
- Did you enjoy Denny's free Grand Slam breakfast? Personally, I don't trust the fact that they have a batch of eggs that need to be given away for free but hey, free food. Can't beat that.
- Betty White > Peyton Manning. That is all.
And with that, I'm out of time. Out like football season (Nooooooooooooooo!).
