The Sagacious Spectator 03.10.10: Die Hard

Posted by Steve Yanosey on 03.10.2010

Featuring Reginald Veljohnson’s best-ever turn as a fat police officer.

There was a running joke on Friends that whenever the guys were going to rent a movie, Joey would always excitedly suggest, "Can we get Die Hard?" The gag being that he had made them watch it about 75 times already and no one wanted to rent it again.

Joey, I understand you even if no one else does.

The original Die Hard, directed by John McTiernan (who also did the children's comedy Predator), was based on a very Bondish-sounding novel entitled Nothing Lasts Forever by Roderick Thorp. I've never read the book, but supposedly it doesn't share too many similarities with the film it gave birth to other than some essential bare-bones storyline points. And if you're not entirely familiar with plot of the original Die Hard, it goes a little something like this:

NYPD Detective John McClane (Bruce Willis) is visiting his estranged wife and children in Los Angeles on Christmas Eve. He's a little tentative about visiting L.A.; he expects the town to be full of weirdos and phonies. Once he arrives and gets in an argument his wife over their situation, he is not in the best of moods. In a stroke of insanely bad luck, terrorists then decide take over her office building complex. Everyone is taken prisoner save McClane, so it's up to him to contact the authorities, rescue the hostages, and find his wife.

The perfect Christmas story. Even though here in America they decided to release it to theaters in July for some reason.

As a teenager, I was living Joey's dream because I watched it at least once every couple of weeks on VHS. Yes, I agree, that is extremely weird. Why did I like it so much? Well, there was just something different about Die Hard. John McClane was no Stallone or Schwarzenegger (who are both name-checked during the movie); he was a normal guy. He got scared. He made bad decisions. And under the extreme circumstances he was in, who could blame him? He wasn't the kind of guy who was supposed to be caught up in this sort of thing. So he did what any of us would do: He tried to remember how his childhood heroes behaved in these scenarios and he acted accordingly. A "What Would John Wayne do?" mentality, if you will. He manages to get his confidence up enough to start facing down the terrorists and killing them in increments. Hans, the head villain, jokes over the walkie-talkie that McClane "thinks he is Rambo". Obviously, McClane was nowhere close before that point, but the part of the appeal of Die Hard is that none of us are either, so maybe we've all got this secret hero potential.



Die Hard is ground-breaking among its 80s action flicks brethren. At this point in the decade, audiences had been fed a steady diet of Rambo, Matrix, Cobra, and Dutch – we're talking enough steroids to make Dynamite Kid balk. But that was alright, because McClane made up for it in other ways. Wesley Snipes once called Bruce Willis "one of the few white guys with soul", and I don't think he meant it because Bruce once had a blues band. McClane may have been ordinary, but he was pretty damn cool in the process. With his makeshift gear of dress pants and a wife-beater, plus a handy bag of C-4, a machine gun, and some smokes swiped from the first bad guy he took out, a grimy McClane smirked and squinted his way through the film looking like a total badass. In a subtle touch, the movie informs us his professional background was as a cop on the gritty streets of 1980s New York, which contrasted perfectly with the coke-filled depravity and fakery of his wife's new L.A. corporate surroundings. This movie was as much about East Coast versus West as it was about McClane versus the terrorists.



Facing McClane down on the German quasi-terrorist side was Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber, a role for which Rickman will and should go down in history. It's tough to decide which was more entertaining, watching Rickman as Gruber or as the Sheriff of Nottingham three years later in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Gruber was every bit McClane's opposite number. A crook masquerading as a terrorist, he was urbane and sophisticated to McClane's blue-collar regular joe, and he cut a refined figure in his John Phillips of London tailored suits (where Arafat gets his, no less), neatly trimmed beard, and German accent. Gruber wasn't a stereotypical bad guy, he was shown to be quite reasonable with McClane's wife when she has a few small demands for the comfort of the hostages, and he and McClane both share in their distaste for the obnoxious Ellis. It's also worth noting that he does a hilariously overblown American accent, which is put to excellent use in one of the film's many classic scenes. A shame his end kept him out of future installments.

If you've never seen the movie, might I suggest you do yourself a favor and buy a copy now? Don't Netflix it, you need to own it. If you have seen it, then I leave you with the Top 10 Die Hard Quotes to get you in the mood for another viewing.

1

911 Operator: Attention, whoever you are. This channel is reserved for emergency calls only.
McClane: No fucking shit, lady! Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?

2

Sergeant Powell: [regarding McClane] In fact, I think he's a cop. Maybe not LAPD, but he's definitely a badge.
Dwayne T. Robinson: How do you know that?
Sergeant Powell: A hunch… things he said. Like being able to spot a phony ID.
Dwayne T. Robinson: Jesus Christ, Powell, he could be a fucking bartender for all we know.

3

Dwayne T. Robinson: [after watching the FBI helicopter explode] Uh, We're gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.

4



Ellis: Hey babe, I negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast. I think I can handle this Eurotrash.

5

McClane: [battering Karl senseless] You should have heard your brother squeal when I broke his fucking neck!

6

Gruber: [Hans pulls a gun on McClane after impersonating a hostage] Put down the gun, and give me my detonators.
McClane: Well, well, well... Hans.
Gruber: Put it down now.
McClane: That's pretty tricky with that accent. You oughtta be on fucking TV with that accent. But what do you want with the detonators, Hans? I already used all the explosives. Or did I?
Hans: I'm going to count to three...
McClane: Yeah, like you did with Takagi?
[Hans pulls trigger]
McClane: Ooops. No bullets. What do you think, I'm fucking stupid, Hans?
[elevator opens, full of Hans' henchmen]
Gruber: You were saying?

7



Gruber: [over the radio] The following people are to be released from their captors: In Northern Ireland, the seven members of the New Provo Front. In Canada, the five imprisoned leaders of Liberte de Quebec. In Sri Lanka, the nine members of the Asian Dawn movement...
Karl: Asian Dawn?
Gruber: [covers the radio] I read about them in Time magazine.

8

Gail Wallens: [speaking to special news report guest] …Author of Hostage Terrorist, Terrorist Hostage: A Study in Duality. Dr. Hasseldorf, what can we expect in the next few hours?
Dr. Hasseldorf: Well, Gail, by this time the hostages should be going through the early stages of the Helsinki Syndrome.
Harvey Johnson: As in Helsinki, Sweden.
Dr. Hasseldorf: Finland.

9

Gruber: [speaking with Takagi] Nice suit. John Phillips, London. I have two myself. Rumor has it Arafat buys his there.

And of course…

10

Gruber: [over the walkie-talkie] Mr. Mystery Guest? Are you still there?
McClane: Yeah, I'm still here. Unless you wanna open the front door for me.
Gruber: Uh, no, I'm afraid not. But, you have me at a loss. You know my name, but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?
McClane: I was always kinda partial to Roy Rogers, actually. I really liked those sequined shirts.
Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?
McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. [signs off]