The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 3.15.10: Issue #97 - Humanity's End Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 03.15.2010
In this issue I take a look at "Humanity's End" (2009) directed by Neil Johnson of "Battlespace" infamy. Yeah, it's going to be one of those reviews.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #97: "Humanity's End" (2009)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that wants you to think about pancakes for five minutes every morning before work or school and then, after two weeks, think about waffles, and then, two weeks later, decide which one you would rather think about for the rest of your life every morning, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number ninety seven, I take a look at the mega low budget sci-fi "action" flick from 2009, "Humanity's End," directed by the Neil Johnson.
Humanity's End (2009)
"Humanity's End" is a mega, mega, mega low budget sci-fi "action" movie co-written and directed by Neil Johnson, the man who brought us the sack of cinematic shit "Battlespace," which will no doubt go down in history as one of the worst movies ever made (check out my review of that flick here). "Humanity's End" is slightly better than "Battlespace" as it actually resembles what most people would call a movie (it has characters in it that speak and interact with one another, it doesn't have endless, pointless narration, and it almost has a story that you can almost follow and recall once you're done watching it. Almost), but ultimately it's as big a waste of time, money, and effort as "Battlespace." The movie is so tediously boring and shoddy that it's a wonder why everyone involved with it didn't sue Johnson to keep it from being released. It really is that fucking bad.
The flick stars Jay Laisne as Derasi Vorde, a spaceship captain in the 29th century that's on the run from a race of evil alien bad guys called the Nephilim. The Nephilim, I think, have managed to destroy pretty much every human entity in the universe, and Vorde is the last remaining full on human left (there are alien human hybrids all over the place, like Vorde's bald sidekick Sorgon 387, played by William Tulin and there are, I think, robots that look like humans. Contessa, as played by Rochelle Vallese, is a robot or something. I think the Nephilim may be hybrids, too). Vorde eventually comes across another full on human woman named Alicia (Cynthia Ickes) who is pregnant with a human baby that could, I guess, save humanity or something. So protecting Alicia becomes Vorde's job, whether he likes it or not. I think that's the plot of the movie.
I think. I could be terribly wrong on that front. But then I didn't say that you could absolutely follow the plot of the movie. I said you could almost follow it. I'm fairly certain that there's only one person in the world that really understands what this movie is about and it's Neil Johnson. I'm sure that he could recite to you, from memory, the movie's opening bit of narration that attempts to explain the back story of the world in the movie (his voice is the narrator's voice according to imdb) and I'm sure that he could explain why it's all so very important to the movie. "Humanity's End" is, after all, his fucking movie. He's obviously very interested in coming up with all of this detailed stuff about this and that and the other. I just wish he knew how to turn all of that shit into a fucking movie that makes sense, is at least mildly entertaining, and doesn't bore the fuck out of the audience. Isn't that what matters in the end, the audience being able to understand what the hell is going on?
There are moments here and there where it seems as though Johnson knows what he's doing. The movie, despite its mega low budget, has a nice general look to it. The sets are interesting to look at and the costumes look "futuristic." The CGI effects are amazingly detailed, especially in the space scenes. But none of it works the way it needs to work. Johnson has no idea how to direct actors or move from scene to scene (events happen in this movie because, well, they just do. There's no flow to anything. Scenes start and stop, start and stop, start and stop without any consideration as to why. It's like watching a low budget "Hannibal Rising"). He has no idea how to stage an action sequence (the scene in the desert where Vorde shoots at robots is a fine example of that). And he has no idea to build to anything (suspense? Please. And what's the deal with the fucking ending? What the fuck happens?). The movie is just a goddamn mess.
I feel very sorry for Jay Laisne, as he's clearly trying very hard in every scene to make the movie interesting. He's chewing the scenery, mostly doing a Hugh Laurie as "House" thing when he's interacting with Contessa and Sorgon 387. But because Johnson undermines the whole movie with his staggering incompetence Laisne's performance, like all of the others, comes off as incredibly poor. Actors can only do so much to shore up the inadequacies of their leaders.
My God, "Humanity's End" is terrible. Jesus Christ. People (businessmen looking to hide money from the tax man, dentists looking for "investment opportunities," independent film funds and government arts groups, anyone who knows Neil Johnson personally) need to stop giving Johnson money to make movies. There have got to be other opportunities out there for you, other places to invest and hide your money. Neil Johnson cannot be the best bet out there. Give your money instead to Uwe Boll.
Yes, that's what I said. Give your money to Uwe Boll instead. Compared to Neil Johnson, Uwe Boll is Martin fucking Scorsese.
So, yeah, if you see "Humanity's End" on your local video store shelves or on Netflix or in one of those Redbox things, stay the fuck away. It isn't worth your time. It's fucking awful. It's fucking terrible. It goddamn fucking sucks. Don't pick it, don't look at it, don't bother. And please, fine folks at the Maverick Entertainment Group, stop releasing Johnson's movies. Don't encourage him.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous loud and weird opening titles music, a human eye in space, a baby looking at stars in the night sky, gratuitous seemingly endless opening narration that allegedly explains what the fucking movie is about, some bullshit about Nazis and Hitler or something, a bunch of space ships doing stuff, multiple explosions in space, multiple exploding heads, something about genetically engineered babies, more space ships in space doing stuff, space fishing, gratuitous bullshit about wormholes, exploding spaceships, laser shooting, a vicious stomach wound, people talking about stuff, a disturbing sex scene played for laughs, a giant gun, beer drinking, attempted sex, arguing with a computer, a mega low budget ground fight in the desert, a beat down, metal spear through the back, exploding body, decapitation, and an ending that makes no fucking sense.
Best lines: "She will be the fastest ship in the sector!," "I am fishing. Why are you fishing? That's the most ridiculous question I've heard today," "Not interested in politics or half-breeds," "Say hello to Jesus for me," "Whoa! We're human!," "It's just a robot! A fucking robot!," "I like the feeling of being in love. Okay," "Why don't you sit on this and spin you squealing pig!," "Are we gonna be shot from behind?," "Did you know I was a robot?," "Do you think your feelings are real?," and "I'm too young to have a baby."
Rating: 1.0
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And now, a little bit about "Live Evil"
"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is currently on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick that's well worth the price.
There's been a bit of a change on the "Live Evil" DVD front. According to the flick's Facebook page, "Live Evil" will now hit DVD July 13th, 2010. That's several months away, which is a bummer, but at least the movie is coming out. So, let's all try to remember the new release date (July 13th, 2010), and be sure to keep an eye on the flick's MySpace page and the flick's Facebook page for further updates/developments.
If you're a reader from Germany, though, you can go to the amazon German site to preorder the flick for its March 26th, 2010 release. For you Germans that's a little over two weeks away. Lucky bastards.
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Do you have Fearnet?
Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.
Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. "The Toxic Avenger" was on there last week. Is it still there? Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.
If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.
(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).
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Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue (thank God). B-movies rule, always remember that. Unless, of course, they're directed by Neil Johnson. His movies fucking suck. I hope that I don't come across anything else he's done or will do in the future, because life is just too short.
If there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
"Humanity's End"
Jay Laisne- Derasi Vorde Rochelle Vallese- Contessa Cynthia Ickes- Alicia William Tulin- Sorgon 387 Kari Nissena- Gorlock Peta Johnson- Sheetak Declan/Blue Whale Don Baldaramos- General Freitag
Directed by Neil Johnson Screenplay by Michael Smith and Neil Johnson
Distributed by Maverick Entertainment Group
Rated R for language and some violence
Runtime- 84 minutes
Buy it here (why the fuck would you want to, though? Don't do it, please, don't do it).
