Misunderstood Masterpieces 3.16.10: All About Steve
Posted by Will Helm on 03.16.2010
...or, A Tale of Two Movies
Sorry for the delay from last week. It's been a crazy fortnight for me. Find out why at the end of the column!
It's been a busy year for Sandra Bullock. She started out 2009 on a high note with the hit romantic comedy The Proposal, which proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that she was the queen of the genre. Months later, Bullock finished 2009 on an even higher note, as she garnered praise for her portrayal of a charitable football mom in The Blind Side, a role which earned her an Oscar only two weeks ago.
Because All About Autistic Romance isn't a very catchy title.
In between those films, however, Bullock may have had her lowest point since starting in the business of cinema, as she earned jeers and vitriol for her role in one of the worst films of 2009: All About Steve. While Bullock proved she was the best around at romantic comedies, this romantic comedy seemed beyond her grasp. As well, though she would win an Academy Award for The Blind Side, Bullock would also garner a Golden Raspberry for the lead role in All About Steve, which had to have been one of the most interested one-two punches in Hollywood history: a Razzie and an Oscar in the same weekend. Though it can fairly be said that Bullock is rarely – if ever – bad, it takes a film of utmost infamy to break that trend and, with a 4.9 on IMDB.com and a 6% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes.com, All About Steve certainly fits the bill. But could the movie be so bad as to mark Sandra Bullock's lowest point? Or is it a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
Nothing lets the viewer know that they're in store for excitement more than crossword puzzles and ugly red boots, which the beginning of the film has in earnest, as both belong to young Mary Horowitz (Bullock), who writes crossword puzzles and gets freaked out by fake dogs. One day, after crafting another of her masterful puzzles, Mary heads over to the local newspaper office, where she stares at a receptionist and then tries to sell a daily crossword-puzzle idea to the editor. He's not into it, but he is, strangely, into giving Mary romantic advice . . . while she rambles on about brain cancer.
Well, I can already say this is probably the best romantic comedy about an autistic woman ever made.
This is moments after someone asked her what she thought about people paying to see All About Steve.
Later, Mary goes to a local school for Career Day and she pesters a firefighter by explaining that she has a blind date that night and she really, really wants some sex. If I were the guy, I'd gladly settle for fellatio because at least it would shut her up. After leaving the firefighter with really bad images in his head, Mary addresses a bunch of kids about her job; the kids, meanwhile, would rather mock her for being a failure at life and still living with her parents, even though she claims that her apartment is being "fumigated." All of a sudden, someone sings and the address ends. Whoa . . . that was weird.
After being publicly humiliated, Mary heads home, where her parents expect her to commit suicide any day now. Instead, Mary would rather talk to her hamster for the rest of the night. This goes on until Mary's mom rudely interrupts to introduce her to her blind date, Steve (Bradley Cooper). Since Steve isn't ugly – but she thinks he might be gay, Mary freaks out and runs upstairs to talk more with her hamster and get slutted up a bit.
The now-slutty Mary walks with Steve to his van and, once inside, she tries to rape him, probably to discern whether or not he's gay. He isn't, but Mary starts rambling incessantly to ruin the mood, so his sexual orientation doesn't matter anyway. While Mary pontificates about the glories of crossword puzzles, Steve gets a call and finds out that he has to go to Boston for something. Before dumping Mary out of the van, Steve unwisely tells Mary that he wishes she would come and then he drives off as fast as possible, just in case Mary is a psychopath as well as a hyperactive.
Only two words would make sitting in a tub like that so enjoyable: "rim" and "job."
After Steve leaves Mary, Mary has a monologue during which she writes a crossword puzzle and struts to the paper. Unfortunately for her, the paper's readers are enraged at the sight of the crossword because it just so happens to be all about Steve, even though Mary just met him the night before and tried to rape him. I wonder if she mentions that in the crossword puzzle? Would that be admissible in court? Mary's editor shares the readers' chagrin – even though, as editor, he probably should have checked the crossword beforehand – but Mary doesn't get the hint about what she's done to the paper's journalistic integrity, so the editor fires her.
Meanwhile, at the cable-news network where Steve works, Keith David yells at Steve and Thomas Haden Church for filming some HOT CHICK's rack during a story about flowers. They contend that they were just showing off some lush hills and I applaud that defense, specious as it is. Keith David isn't too pleased with their testimony, though, so he puts them on double-secret probation and tells Dr. Ken (Ken Jeong) to keep an eye on them. While Steve worries about his job security, he then finds out that Mary wrote a crossword all about him, which probably wasn't what he wanted to hear in that situation, since he's already probably afraid of her and for his life.
That evening, Mary sulks in the tub until she has an epiphany and starts speaking in tongues. Oh . . . so she's possessed then? Perhaps so, as Mary's parents are frightened by this change in her demeanor, especially when Mary confesses that she's going to start stalking Steve. If there were ever a time for her parents to NOT be supportive, I'd say this is it. Speaking of Steve, he, as well as Thomas Haden Church and Dr. Ken, are on location at a Wild West theme park, where one of the employees is holding his colleagues hostage. To set the scene, Thomas Haden Church gets all melodramatic and, somehow, this brings a horse back to life, which is a miracle because Steve and Dr. Ken think Thomas Haden Church's reporting sucks.
After this movie, Thomas Haden Church donned a disguise. It wasn't very good.
While Steve laughs at Thomas Haden Church's misfortune, Mary heads out to find Steve and, to that end, she boards a bus, where she rambles about steel and Hitler. So is she a lovable neo-Nazi named "Horowitz"? That's confusing. Eventually, in the middle of nowhere, the bus driver kicks Mary off the bus, so she ends up in a dive bar in desperate need of a ride to Tuscon. A kindly trucker (MC Gainey) volunteers but Mary eschews his offer. Just as quickly, though, she changes her mind, so she runs after him and he nearly drives over her in the process. Unfortunately for everyone, the trucker's brakes are working just fine, so the movie continues.
After Mary writes the trucker's license number on her arm – just in case he kills and dismembers her, she hitches a ride with him and they chat . . . until the trucker infers that Mary should probably shut up. Eventually, Mary and the trucker arrive in Tuscon, where Mary wanders into a deserted Wild West theme park. Once there, Mary discovers that the hostage crisis has been averted and Steve is long gone and on his way to Oklahoma, where a baby is losing an extra leg or something. Does it really matter? Do I really even care?
Ken Jeong's disguise? Much, much better.
In Oklahoma, protesters rally against the baby losing the leg – or for the leg, which is kind of weird but not and I really don't care – while Thomas Haden Church interviews a woman about her missing penis – no, really – until his arch-rival (Jason Jones) from another network arrives, sending Thomas Haden Church into hysterics. Eventually, Mary also arrives in Oklahoma and, somehow, she finds Steve and attacks him. Just to show that she's either demonstrating autistic love or she's legitimately crazy, Mary gives Steve an umbrella and a mashed Twinkie. Steve responds by trying to hide the fact that he's terrified of Mary by doing the pee-pee dance. Mary, to her credit, defuses the situation by pointing out the baby's father trying to escape the hospital, giving Steve a big scoop.
While Steve covers the important news of the day, Mary is herded into the protesters' area, where she meets a Southern HOT CHICK (Katy Mixon) and they bond over the baby's third leg. Meanwhile, in the media area, Dr. Ken makes fun of Steve because Steve has a stalker; with this in mind, Thomas Haden Church plots against them for no particular reason. Back with the protesters, Mary hangs out with the Southern HOT CHICK and also meets DJ Qualls, who's in this movie for reasons beyond my comprehension. Thomas Haden Church, who apparently is more evil here than he was as Sandman, finds Mary among the protesters and tells her that she has to "help" Steve combat his fear of love. So now he's channeling Dr. Phil? That is evil!
Sadly, Rowdy Roddy Piper was unavailable for a cameo.
Back in the media area, Dr. Ken and Steve share a lunch from 7-Eleven – as the movie makes plainly obvious; yay product placement – and Dr. Ken warns Steve about Mary because she could be a killer underneath her neuroses. Conveniently, just moments later, Mary shows up to freak out Steve, who tells her to get lost because she's really creepy. Mary, thanks to Thomas Haden Church's spurring, questions Steve's logic and then sort of rats out Thomas Haden Church. This leads to Steve punching out Thomas Haden Church until Steve gets hit in the face with his camera as everyone runs off to cover the settlement of the baby-leg thing. Mary, before she leaves, tries to kill Steve by "accidentally" tripping over one of his wires, pulling him violently off a scaffold.
So she's autistic and psychopathic? Great combination.
With the latest story resolved, Keith David calls Dr. Ken and sends the team to Texas. Whether to be the first ones on the scene or get away from Mary, Steve drives the team off, but Mary catches up to the van and Thomas Haden Church "helpfully" tells her where they're headed because it'd just be sad if she had to quit her stalking this early in the film. While Steve and his cohorts head off for adventure, Mary hitches a ride with the Southern HOT CHICK and DJ Qualls and she rambles about cow farts and marvels at DJ Qualls sculpted apples along the way.
Big hair, big rack, big rear; I wonder if she's from the South?
Down in Texas, Thomas Haden Church does a story about a hurricane while Dr. Ken holds onto his junk. Meanwhile, Mary, the Southern HOT CHICK, and DJ Qualls face off against a tornado in rural Texas and they eventually end up in a storm drain and pelted with locusts. Well, I'd agree that All About Steve is like a biblical plague, but this might be a little too literal. After the hurricane subsides, Keith David scolds his team for missing something and then Steve argues with his mom about Mary, since she seems like such a nice girl . . . a quiet girl . . . keeps to herself.
In Colorado, the Earth eats some deaf kids. Bwahahahahahaha. Sucks to be you, deaf kids. Keith David, like some sort of journalistic taskmaster, sends his team off to investigate. Along the way, Steve dons a very bad disguise and goes paranoid because he's starting to believe that Mary wants him dead. His fears seem to be confirmed later, as he spies Mary amid the wreckage of the tornado, apparently carrying around a machete that may or may not have Steve's name on it but which actually is the fender of DJ Qualls' car. While Steve has a conniption, Thomas Haden Church eggs Mary on and leaves her a clue to their next destination. Dr. Ken, who may be the last sane person left in this movie, scolds Steve and Thomas Haden Church because Thomas Haden Church is childish and Steve is going crazy. You aren't the only one, Steve; you aren't the only one.
DJ Qualls can get way too excited about pancakes.
Finally, in Colorado, Steve films a deaf kid getting rescued, which is obviously against the Earth's wishes, as the Earth then tries to eat a crane. The crane proves to be too much for the Earth, though, so when Mary, the Southern HOT CHICK, and DJ Qualls arrive, the Earth eats Mary instead! Luckily for her, instead of a bottomless pit or a Sarlaac, Mary just ends up wet at the bottom of a mine. In the aftermath of Mary's trip – pun certainly intended, reporters pester her parents while Thomas Haden Church's arch-rival puts on red boots to mock Mary's fashion sense.
Inside the mine, Mary meets with a deaf girl who was either always there or proves that the deaf can count about as well as they can hear. Honestly, I never knew there was a margin of error for successful rescues. I guess that's why erasers were invented. Above ground, Steve defends Mary's honor because everyone thinks she's crazy. Meanwhile, he KNOWS she's crazy, but he probably doesn't want her killing him, so it's best if he looks like the good guy in this situation. Luckily for Steve, he won't have to worry about Mary's revenge as, according to experts, she's probably going to die anyway. Just in case, the Southern HOT CHICK lights some vigil candles, which I'm sure Mary would appreciate if she weren't stuck hundreds of feet below ground.
The highest honor disappointed moviegoers can bestow.
While Mary has a panic attack in the mine, DJ Qualls finds Thomas Haden Church and tries to guilt trip him into leading Mary there to her doom. Thomas Haden Church, being a journalist, is impervious to DJ Qualls' verbal assault, however. Sometime later, a remarkably still alive Mary devises a plan involving counterweights and metal cables; before she can enact her plan, though, Thomas Haden Church, finally showing a chink in his emotional armor jumps into the hole to try and rescue Mary and the deaf girl . . . and maybe earn himself a promotion. It doesn't work out well, though, so Mary just adds him to her ingenious plan and she has a monologue while she, Thomas Haden Church, and the deaf girl rocket to the surface, where there is much rejoicing. In the aftermath, Steve apologizes to Mary and then dumps her so that she can run off with DJ Qualls and the Southern HOT CHICK for a sexually charged murder spree across the Rocky Mountain states . . . which would be a really interesting sequel.
This is my idea of going out in style.
Wow. Just wow. I have to fairly admit that there are parts of All About Steve that aren't so bad; unfortunately, they also happen to be the parts not featuring Sandra Bullock. If this movie was just about the wacky misadventures of Steve, Thomas Haden Church, and Dr. Ken going from goofy news story to goofy news story, that wouldn't be so bad. Sure, it would probably get old after a while, but it would at least be tolerable. Meanwhile, there is absolutely, positively nothing tolerable about Sandra Bullock's performance as Mary Horowitz. This might be one of the creepiest and most annoying characters ever put on screen. Between her incessant rambling, speaking in tongues, and uncanny autistic tendencies – seriously, she repeatedly does a "wing-flap" move in the film which is often demonstrated in autistics, Mary Horowitz is thoroughly uncomfortable to watch onscreen. As well, somewhere in the last third of the film – around where Mary falls down the hole, All About Steve stops being a romantic comedy and instead becomes an inspirational story of Mary learning that she's fine just the way she is, which just kills any chance the movie had for having a decent resolution that might have saved this wreck of a movie. The title may be All About Steve, but the movie is all about Mary . . . and she's really annoying, just like the movie, which is yet another Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Now, the big news: due to a huge change in my real-life work schedule, as of this week I am taking Misunderstood Masterpieces on an indefinite hiatus. I'll still be hanging around for the usual 411Mania.com reindeer games and the 411Mania Movies Zone Podcast – and if you're not listening, why? – so you haven't gotten rid of me yet. Once things settle down and I recharge my batteries, you can be sure that Misunderstood Masterpieces will be back and better than ever! See you then!
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