TV Rants and Raves 3.17.10

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 03.17.2010

Rants and Raves about the official return of the Monday Night Pro Wrestling War, who should leave "Grey's Anatomy," the opening titles sequence to "NCIS: Los Angeles," Zach Galifianakis hosting "SNL," "Cold Case," and more, plus two more Strange Thoughts, the Texas State Board of Education wins a special award, some thoughts on Corey Haim, Merlin Olsen, and Peter Graves, and more!

TV Rants and Raves Issue #36: In this issue I Rant and Rave about the official return of the Monday Night Pro Wrestling War, who should leave "Grey's Anatomy," the opening titles sequence to "NCIS: Los Angeles," Zach Galifianakis hosting "Saturday Night Live," Mia Michaels and her upcoming reality show on Bravo, "Cold Case," and more, plus two more Strange Thoughts, the Texas State Board of Education wins a special award, the IZOD Indycar season opener, and some thoughts on Corey Haim, Merlin Olsen, and Peter Graves

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that has not been approached to participate in a live, televised colonoscopy, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Before I get into the main hooha of the column, I want to comment on the recent passing of Corey Haim, Merlin Olsen, and Peter Graves.

The sad thing about the death of Corey Haim, who died last week from an apparent heart attack at the age of 38, is that it isn't all that surprising. Despite reports and claims that Haim had kicked his drug habits and had gotten clean it was still only a matter of time before his addictions somehow bested him. Regardless of how he died, it's a shame anyway because he was probably on the verge of a comeback of some sort. There were more "Lost Boys" movies to make, more things to do with his best friend Corey Feldman. Haim had a bit part in last year's "Crank 2: High Voltage" and he did a great job. According to imdb.com he has several movies coming out soon, so I guess we have that to look forward to.

And we can always relive his classic performances. Sam in "Lost Boys," Lucas in "Lucas," Marty Coslaw in "Silver Bullet," and perhaps his best career performance, Les Anderson in "License to Drive" (Feldman was also in that, too).



Corey Feldman 1971-2010 RIP



Merlin Olsen hadn't worked in Hollywood in over twenty years when he died last week at the age of 69 after losing his battle with cancer. The last thing he did was a TV show called "Aaron's Way." Olsen played an Amish guy in that. It lasted a season (I seem to remember an episode of the show where Olsen's Aaron Miller had to arm wrestle guys in a bar for money because no one needed any carpentry work done). After that he basically disappeared from the limelight, showing up occasionally in documentaries about "Little House on the Prairie" and pro football.

Pro football. That's where he probably made his biggest mark outside of television, playing for the Los Angeles Rams for fifteen years (he was part of something called "The Fearsome Foursome"). He was eventually inducted in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and then he did play-by-play for NBC. It was connection with NBC that allowed him to get into acting, eventually landing a plum role on "Little House," where he played Jonathan Garvey for four seasons. And that's where Olsen will probably live on forever, in "Little House" reruns. That's not a bad gig for eternity.

He seemed like a pretty decent guy. It's too bad that he didn't get to work more in the 1990's.



Merlin Olsen 1940-2010 RIP

Peter Graves pretty much did everything there is to do in Hollywood as an actor. He worked in movies ("Stalag 17," "The Night of the Hunter," "It Conquered the World," his classic part as Captain Clarence Oveur in "Airplane!" among others), he had a few TV series (two versions of "Mission Impossible," "Court Martial,"), and numerous voice over parts. That's what the world will probably remember the most. That low, gravelly voice, filled with stark authority. When he hosted "Biography" on A&E it was his voice that basically sold the show (Harry Smith isn't in the same league). And when he tweaked that voice and his straight laced persona, like he did in "Airplane!," the man was a genius.

Graves apparently died from a heart attack. He was just days shy from his 85th birthday. He had a long life, sure, but it's still sad. He will be missed.



Peter Graves 1926-2010 RIP





Now, onto the main part of the column.

TV Rants and Raves

-The actual return of the Monday Night Wrestling War: And so now the second coming of the Monday Night Wrestling War is in full swing, with the ten year old but still upstart TNA trying to make an even bigger name for itself by directly competing against the stalwart WWE Monday Night Raw. Please excuse me if I don't foam my pants with excitement on this "war."



The first official night of the new war was a joke. While Raw wasn't a great show (I can't remember the last time Raw had a truly great episode) TNA's Impact was an atrocious waste of time. There was no real flow to the show and, sadly, nothing all that interesting happened. The debut of Rob Van Dam was lame as hell (what's the point of having him beat Sting in five seconds if Sting is just going to beat the shit out of him immediately after the match?). The endless Hulk Hogan soap opera thing was bullshit (who the fuck gives a shit about Brooke Hogan? I know I don't. Fuck Brooke Hogan. And fuck Dixie Carter, too). And while it is kind of fun to see A.J. Styles hanging out with Ric Flair, you can tell that the partnership is never going to go anywhere.



And is it me or was there a real lack of wrestling on the show? I thought that was what set TNA apart from Raw and the WWE in general. So what's with all of the hot shot run in shit? And please, for the love of fucking God, can they please fire fucking Nash, Hall, and Waltman? All three of them are so goddamn boring and I just don't care anymore. Please, guys, just go away gracefully. And Mick Foley... eh.

Now, if Hogan's bullshit is going to remain as the focus of the show, can they please come up with a new bit of theme music for Hogan? The theme he has now is some kind of NWO rip off which just doesn't work, especially when Hogan is decked out in the red and yellow. But then just about all of TNA's music sucks, so I guess it's to be expected.

Yeah, yeah, I know that all of this is still a work in progress and that it will all eventually work itself out because Hogan and Eric Bischoff are in it for the long haul, etc. And I should be really thankful that there's more "big time" wrestling on television, right? Right? More choices are great! Right? Right?

Someone needs to convince me that TNA is doing a good job. I just don't see it.



- Who else should leave "Grey's Anatomy?": Well, now apparently it's official: Katherine Heigl is gone from "Grey's Anatomy." As I'm writing this there hasn't been an official official announcement of her departure, but pretty much every entertainment outlet on the internets in reporting that Heigl is gone, so it must be the truth. I'm shocked that it's taken this long for ABC to allow her to leave because it's been obvious for the last while that her heart has not been in the show. She wants to be a full on movie star and you really can't be a full on movie star and work on a TV show at the same time (Ron Perlman can't do it and he's Ron fucking Perlman, the man of a thousand movie roles).



So now that Izzie won't be coming back, the natural question would seem to be who will take her place in the show's character hierarchy? Will it be little Grey? Will it be Arizona the lesbian? Will it be one of those Mercy West people? I'm not going to ask the natural question, though, because I'm sure the show will work out who should be the next in line. No, the question I'm going to ask is who should be the next major cast member to leave?



So, who should leave? I would love to see Karev (Justin Chambers) leave because he's a fucking douchebag, but at the moment I don't see that happening. What the hell else is he going to do if he's off the show? What other show would want him? And I'd love to see Yang leave (she's pretty goddamn annoying most of the time), but then I have a feeling that the producers will have to sue her to get her to leave the show. And I sure as heck wouldn't mind seeing Ellen Pompeo leave as I've grown incredibly tired of her Meredith's endless goddamn whining. But then she's said that she isn't interested working past her current contract, so it doesn't look like she'll be around for much longer anyway (and ABC and Shonda Rhimes could turn the show into a kind of "ER" soap opera type deal where new characters can come in and replace characters that have left. Does "Grey's Anatomy" really need Pompeo anyway?). So who do I think should leave?



Patrick Dempsey. Dempsey should have left two years ago when it looked like he, too, could have a viable movie career again, but for whatever reason he decided to stay on. Even though "Valentine's Day" was a big hit it really wasn't because of him (he was part of a large ensemble. Most people probably didn't even know he was in the movie until they went and saw it), but that's no reason not to get out while the getting is good. If Dempsey played his cards right he could leave "Grey's Anatomy," fake a mid budget romantic comedy movie career for a few years and buttress it with some Lifetime movie of the week work or some guest star bits, and then retire and become a full time race team owner. It would be win-win for damn near everyone, especially Dempsey.

Because, let's face it, what the hell else is he going to do on "Grey's Anatomy" for the next little while? Be the interim chief of surgery? Continue to fight with Meredith and go on and on about that fucking Post it marriage thing? Give the occasional inspiring speech about what it means to save a life? Let Chandra Wilson do that. She's good at it and she seems to be the only one besides Callie and Arizona having any fun. Let her become the full on alpha personality on the show. I bet the ratings would spike.



And can I just say here, briefly, that the Kim Raver thing doesn't seem to be working. Raver is a good actress and all (she was great on "Lipstick Jungle") but, so far, she just doesn't fit in with the group. I actually wouldn't mind seeing her move over to "Private Practice" and replace Amy Brenneman. I think that would work out.



- "NCIS: Los Angeles" needs to change its show opening: Anyone who has watched the "NCIS" spin-off "NCIS: Los Angeles" understands that one of the reasons the show works so well is the chemistry between the show's leads, Chris O'Donnell and, shockingly, LL Cool J. They've developed a rapport that works regardless of the situation, whether it be a serious bit, a comedy bit, or an action bit. They're never phoning it in with each other.

But, the other day, while trying to get caught up with my DVR'ed shows, I noticed something about the show's opening credits sequence. About four seconds in, as the theme music is blaring away, O'Donnell and Cool J exchange one of the creepiest smiles I think I've ever seen in my life. Here, watch and pay attention right at the beginning.



Now, are they smiling at one another because they like one another's company, or is there some weird beard pseudo gay subtext thing going on here that I'm just noticing? I mean, sure, it could be just the way the opening titles sequence flows (it's one of the slickest show openings in recent memory, isn't it?), but that smile just seems out of place. Wouldn't it be better if the opening sequence showed quick shots of both Callen and Hanna in action (or maybe just standing all stoic like), then moved into the explosions and Linda Hunt and all that, and then finished with Callen and Hanna running away from the big ass explosion and then walking away together to, presumably, fight crime and whatnot? I think it would be.

I'm actually kind of surprised that more people haven't noticed this. It's not something you see every day in a show that's, well, uber macho. I mean, think about what would happen if "NCIS" opened with Gibbs and DiNozzo smiling at each other. Wouldn't you be creeped out by it? Of course you would. Everyone in the world would be creeped out by it. I know I would be.



- Zach Galifianakis hosting "Saturday Night Live" thoughts: Zach Galifianakis, still riding high off the mega successful "The Hangover," hosted "Saturday Night Live" for the first time a few weeks ago, and I have to say that it was a pretty weak hosting gig. Galifianakis had a great opening monologue (I've always been in favor of having stand up guest hosts do a little stand up routine during the monologue as opposed to a musical bit or something like that. It just tends to work out better), and his first sketch about the bidet was fucking hilarious, but the rest of his stuff was just kind of lame. Even his double flute playing thing in the "What's Up With That?" sketch didn't really work as well as it should have (the sketch was solid, as usual, but the Galifianakis part could have been played by anyone). Why did he, the guest host, seemingly get so little airtime?

The last sketch he did, the one where he shaved his beard and played the flamboyant beauty pageant father, was damn near brilliant, but it felt rushed at the end of the show and most definitely would have played better if it had been given more time. Did the show decide to do that sketch last because of the whole "he's going to shave his beard" thing? He closed the show out wearing a fake beard. It would have been great if Galifianakis had switched between the "no beard" and "beard" look throughout the show (they could have turned it into a running joke, sort of like that "Galifianakis interrupting TV shows" bit). So what the heck gives there?

Maybe it's time to get the guest host regularly into the "Weekend Update" sketch because, unless Will Ferrell or a former cast member is hosting, the guest host usually doesn't appear during the "Weekend Update" sketch. Why the reluctance to give the guest host a goofy, "in the news" character to play? I don't get it. I bet Galifianakis would have killed playing someone in the news, and I'm sure a guy like Alec Baldwin would kick ass, too. So, again, why the reluctance putting the guest host in "Weekend Update"?

The upcoming Betty White hosted show should be a hoot. She probably won't do much beyond the monologue, but I bet it will be a fun show anyway. They should try to get Galifianakis back and do the beauty pageant guy again. I'd love to see that guy up against Betty White.



"I am meaningful."

- Why does Mia Michaels deserve her own show?: Mia Michaels, the much ballyhooed modern dance choreographer that made a name for herself on the Fox summer dance competition show "So You Think You Can Dance?", is apparently going to get her own documentary/reality series on Bravo soon. I'm going to assume that it's going to be a show all about what it takes for Michaels and her dance students and her company and whoever else to do whatever it is that she does when she's not judging TV dance competitions (it's my understanding that she no longer judges on that show, but I could be wrong about that. If she is gone from the show, though, I'd imagine that she's got quite a bit of free time now). And I'm sure plenty of people will find it fascinating and all that, but, really, why the fuck does Mia Michaels deserve her own show?

I mean, has the Bravo network really run out of ideas for new shows? Is this the best they could come up, a reality show about a douchebag dance judge (Michaels is one of the reasons I stopped watching SYTYCD because she was such an awful, awful person on that show. And that Shayne Sparks guy was pretty awful, too. Did he go to jail or something?)? Aren't there villages of midgets and shit like that that haven't been documented on film yet? There's got to be. There's got to be something or someone out there that's more deserving of a Bravo reality show.





Hey, I know. Why not give Dina Meyer her own reality show? Or Amy Smart? They're both incredibly beautiful women, they're fun to look at, and they both ooze charisma. I'd watch them work the drive thru window at KFC before I watch a show about whatever the hell it is Mia Michaels does.

I mean, again, come on, is Mia Michaels really the best subject for a reality show? Really?


And finally,



- Is Nick leaving "Cold Case"?: Nick, of course, is the loveably gruff Philadelphia Police cold case detective played by Jeremy Ratchford on "Cold Case," the flashback cop show that's become a Sunday night routine for millions. The preview for this Sunday's episode seems to indicate that Ratchford's Nick will be dead at some point in the course of the episode. The preview didn't say "Be sure to say goodbye to an old friend" or anything like that, but it sure did seem to indicate that Nick wouldn't be making it to the end of the episode alive.

Now, I know that "Cold Case" is on the bubble at CBS. It's got generally solid ratings and it's become quite the hit in syndication and on TNT, but the show doesn't seem to have the support it once did from the network. I wouldn't be surprised if the show doesn't return in the fall. But is all of that a good enough reason to get rid of one of the best characters on the show? I don't think it is. Without his quick wit and snarky fat guy attitude I don't think I'd watch as often as I do (Kathryn Morris can be a little too "earnest" sometimes if you know what I mean). And the idea of Nick dying before the show finishes out its run doesn't make me want to watch the show in reruns (knowing Nick eventually dies on screen will make the show that much more depressing).

I'm hoping that the body under the sheet in the commercial is someone else. Again, there's been no official announcement or statement from anyone, and the preview didn't come right out and say that Nick was dying, but, as far as I can tell, there's a chance of that happening. Again, let's all hope that it doesn't happen. "Cold Case" without Nick just wouldn't be worth watching.




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And now, a shameless plug for TLC



"The Secret Life of Tiger Woods," the special that examines, well, the secret life of pro golfer and serial adulterer Tiger Woods is on tonight at 8pm. I believe it's been on before, but, with Woods possibly getting back into golf I guess there's no better time than now to get back on the Tiger Woods hype bandwagon.



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Strange Thoughts

Once again I have two Strange Thoughts for you to read, ponder, and hopefully be entertained by. Most of these come to me while I'm at my soul killing day job (what better place to day dream, right?). Enjoy.



- If Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin ever met "in person" (they're cartoons, yes, but I don't know how else to say it) what would they talk about? Do you think they'd talk about the ongoing prime time cartoon fan war between fans of both shows, or do you think Homer and Peter would instead talk about something a little more mundane, like food or beer?



It would certainly be geeky fun to see Homer and Peter get into a massive argument (shouting match followed by a "Peter and the Chicken" esque fist fight), but I have a feeling that they'd just end up talking about food and beer and how much they love their wives. Homer would talk about how much he loves Marge and how she's his soul mate (I think, in this case, Homer would actually use those words) and Peter would talk about how much Lois is into him ("She'd never leave me" is what he'd say).

And then they'd start eating and drinking and say really stupid stuff to the people around them (I should have said at the beginning that they'd probably either meet or run into one another in a bar. Peter would fit right in at Moe's, and Homer would fit right in at the Drunken Clam).

Now, if Lenny and Carl met Quagmire and Joe, that would be a fight from the very beginning. I don't know why I think that, though. It's just something I see happening.



- If Meg Griffin murdered her whole family do you think there's a jury in the world that would convict her? I don't think there is. Once the jury found out about the wholesale abuse she's suffered from her entire family they'd no doubt sympathize with her and say, "They had it coming." Peter has farted in her face countless times, he's smacked her and abandoned her around criminals. Lois is very cold to her. And Chris, well, sibling rivalry and all that.

The jury would probably get a little weirded out by the baby and dog killing, though. No one likes it when you kill a baby or a dog. That's just sick and mean and awful. So in that instance she'd have to have a killer attorney that would, hopefully, point out that the baby, Stewie, talks and is homicidal himself, and that the dog talks, is a fall down drunk, and once engaged in sexual misconduct with Meg (that episode where Brian went to the prom with Meg and made out with her. Yeah, the prosecution could bring up the whole "Meg kidnapped Brian and tried to rape him" thing, but Meg's attorney would no doubt make it clear that Brian has always been the instigator in their relationship).

And when she gets acquitted in the case she can try to start up her relationship with Mayor Adam West again. How long do you think it would take for Meg to kill him? A month? A year?



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The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.



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And now, Dr. Phil.



"You know, bitches got to learn their place sometimes, and sometimes the best way to get a bitch to learn her place is by making her suck your cock while you're taking a shit. It's incredibly disgusting for her, sure, but for you, if you play it right, it can be fucking awesome for you. While she's jamming on your rod you can try to hold your shit in and get a good feeling both in the front and the back. I call it synergy and, no, it isn't the least bit gay to get off while having something essentially lodged in your ass. Not at all. You've got a woman, a bitch, sucking your fucking cock. How can that can be gay?"

My God, Phil, you are such an asshole.

***

Do you have Fearnet?

Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. "The Toxic Avenger" was on there last week. Is it still there? Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.



If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

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And now, a little bit about "Live Evil"



"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is currently on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick that's well worth the price.

There's been a bit of a change on the "Live Evil" DVD front. According to the flick's Facebook page, "Live Evil" will now hit DVD July 13th, 2010. That's several months away, which is a bummer, but at least the movie is coming out. So, let's all try to remember the new release date (July 13th, 2010), and be sure to keep an eye on the flick's MySpace page and the flick's Facebook page for further updates/developments.

If you're a reader from Germany, though, you can go to the amazon German site to preorder the flick for its March 26th, 2010 release. For you Germans that's a little over two weeks away. Lucky bastards.





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Featured Bit: "Jericho: Season Three" Issue #3 Review



Well, "Jericho: Season 3" Issue #3 is here and, like the two issues before it, it's a blast. The creators of the TV show, along with the artists, have just about outdone themselves keeping the story interesting and "TV esque" three issues in. The only thing I'm concerned with is the six issue set up. Will they have enough time and space to get everything they need to get the story finished, especially the Jake/Hawkins storyline?

So what's the deal with John Smith, the man that Jake and Hawkins are looking for? The preview for issue #4 seems to indicate that Smith has plenty of information to reveal. Smith is the man that created the whole "nuke America" idea, right? So what does he know that Hawkins doesn't know? Because they are, at the moment, sort of one in the same, right? They're both part of the conspiracy, and both have grown a conscience (Hawkins sooner than Smith), right? I can't wait to find out.

And what's the deal with Jake's uncle. Uncle Emmett, showing up in Jericho? Am I the only that thinks he's not the uber patriot he makes himself out to be? Is he perhaps really a spy for the ASA government? I don't know why I get that feeling, but I do have it. I hope I'm wrong and that he becomes the ass kicking Gerald McRaney type character for the rest of the book (I sure do miss McRaney's Johnston character). From certain angles Emmett sure does look like McRaney (and then again, from other angles he looks like a thin Mike Ditka). If Emmett is, for the lack of a better term, a bad guy, I hope Gail, Johnston's wife and Jake's mother, does him in. Gail has been run down the most by all of this. She doesn't need to believe in something only to have it snatched away because of a lie. That would just be wrong.

Did you see that ASA military recruitment poster that's on the second to last page? Am I the only one incredibly creeped out by it?

The "what the hell is up with Dale?" storyline continues, too, as we're still not sure what the heck Dale's deal is. He had his thugs kill those soldiers in issue #2, and now, with Skylar back in town, he's still all dark and gloomy. Why? Why has Dale become such a, well, bad guy? Is he going to try to take over the town or something? Is he, in the last issue, going to murder the mayor in a sort of coup? Dale is getting scarier and scarier with each issue.



And so now it's on to issue #4 (I hope to get a better cover pic soon), which, I assume, will be out in April. That's too long a wait for my tastes (I wish it was coming next week), but the book is such a hit there's no chance in hell that the book will be cancelled before its run is over. And how about this, Devils Due Publishing is now completely sold out of issue #1 (according to the fine folks at Jericho Kansas, Inc, the only way you're going to get a copy of issue #1 is a comic book back issue bin or some online auction). Issue #2 is still available, though.

Just a quick question for you fine "Jericho" folks out there. When you get the comic book which cover do you usually get/look for? The photo one or the drawn one? I prefer the drawn one. Am I in the minority on that?

Go here to find a local comic book shop near you if you haven't done so already (comic book shops are the only places in the world that have comic book back issue bins. That's what comic book shops are mostly for). You should also check out http://www.savingjericho.com and http://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff. And keep an eye on http://www.devilsdue.net/, the online home of Devil's Due Publishing, for information regarding future issues and everything else Devil's Due puts out (Devil's Due is the home of Barack the Barbarian). I think Devil's Due also has a store where you can buy the book directly from them. Check it out.

If you're into the whole "trade paperback comic book" thing (another good place to see the first issue of the book) you can preorder the "Jericho" comic book as a trade paperback here. I have no idea when the TPB will come out (amazon still doesn't have a release date yet) but if you preorder it on amazon, they'll send it to you when it does come out. You can be sure of that.

And remember that you can still purchase the entire "Jericho" run on DVD. Go here to buy the entire series. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

Long live "Jericho!" Yeah!


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The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to the Texas State Board of Education, for turning the state's education system into an ultra right wing indoctrination center. Hopefully all of this shit gets overturned somehow (or the right wing bullshit gets "balanced" with some left wing truth), but I have a feeling that the board's changes are going to stay for a good, long while. And the ramifications for the rest of the country are truly frightening since a big state like Texas, since it's so dang big, can set the text book standards for everyone else. Is that the America you want your children living in?

Fucking right wing Texans. Fucking douchebags. Is this the next step in the "Texas secedes from the Union" movement?



And then there's former New York Democratic Congressperson Eric Massa, for his embarrassing behavior on television explaining why he was resigning. At first he said it was because he had cancer and needed to concentrate on his health. Then it was reported that he had sexually harassed some of his male staffers and that he was quitting to avoid an ethics investigation. He then went on Glenn Beck's TV show and said that, yeah, he did grope some of his male staffers but it was all in good fun. The real reason he was leaving was he didn't want to be an Obama stooge and vote for the health care bill so his Democratic colleagues forced him out (he was even apparently assaulted by a naked Rahm Emanuel, the President's Chief of Staff, in the Congressional Gymnasium shower over his lack of support for the health care bill). And then he went on Larry King's show and said that he never groped anyone and that it was all a conspiracy against him. I think he still has cancer, too.

So what the hell is going on here? Is Massa on the up and up, or is this all just a weird beard smokescreen to get people to forget about the abuse allegations? I'm going to say that it's a smokescreen because the only thing anyone is talking about now is what Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi knew about the abuse allegations and what she did about them (the Republicans and the "liberal" media seem to think that this situation will be the Democrats' Mark Foley moment. What happens if there's no there there? Will they be able to sustain this story with total bullshit until the November elections?).



And finally there's 2009 Douchebag of the Year Glenn Beck, for telling Christians that they should leave their church if it believes in working towards "social justice" because "social justice" is just a code word for "socialism" or some such and "socialism" is evil and wrong and it's all some big plot against America. If you were still debating on whether or not Glenn was batshit insane I think the debate is over. What the hell else do you need to believe that he's out of his fucking mind? "Social justice" is a "plot against America?" Why is practically everything a plot against America?

I wish the "liberal" media would hammer this guy and completely destroy his "credibility." But then the John Edwards had sex story is still really important. Priorities and all that.

Jesus fucking Christ.

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IRL and NASCAR thoughts



Well, the IZOD IRL Indycar Series had its 2010 season opener this past Sunday in Brazil, racing on a temporary street course in Sao Paulo and, as expected, the race was terrible. Oh, sure, Ryan Hunter-Reay tried to make a show out of the race, actually passing people where it was seemingly impossible to pass, but for the most part it was a follow the leader affair. If you listen to the team owners, the drivers, and the IRL, though, the Sao Paulo Indy 300 was one of the greatest races in the history of Indycars.

Please.

The race almost didn't happen, as qualifying had to be postponed until early Sunday morning because the track was too slippery (the cars couldn't accelerate on the concrete front stretch without losing control). The IRL had the track operators bring in grinding equipment to grind the concrete part of the track down to create some semblance of traction and grip, which did kind of happen because they were able to have qualifying in the morning. But then, at the start of the race, a huge dust cloud appeared as the cars roared to the green flag, causing a visibility problem that eventually caused a massive accident (Marco Andretti got totaled).



Once the wreck was cleaned up the race got going and, as I said, it was pretty much a high speed parade for most of the race. Hunter-Reay was really the only one able to pass anyone. Everyone else pretty much just stayed in place and "passed" people by out braking and playing with "strategy" in terms of whether or not it was a good idea to put the rain tires on just yet.

And so the rains came, a bunch of cars spun out (Danica Patrick messed up here), and the race became a "timed" race (watch the IRL adopt that rule for road and street courses in the next few years. It worked so well for Champ Car). Hunter-Reay tried very hard to get to the front again and stay in the lead, but Penske Racing's third car, driven by Will Power, passed Hunter-Reay and went on to win.



Congratulations to Power and all that (he's coming off a serious back injury from last season), but the race was terrible. It just sucked. The announcers are shills for the IRL, and the IRL seems to think that this kind of racing is the future of the series. It can't be. Granted, they may get big "festival" crowds for these events, but what kind of fan base are you creating with that? You're not creating anything. Are they going to follow the series to its next event, wherever it may be? No. So, again, what are you creating? What kind of fan base are you creating?

The street race in St. Petersburg, Florida is up next, on March 28th. After that it's the road course in Alabama, the Long Beach street race, and then the first oval at Kansas (how much do you want to bet this will be the last year the IRL races at Kansas?). And then Indy. I hope Alabama is a good race. The IRL doesn't need three bad races in a row.



Graham Rahal will apparently drive for Sarah Fisher Racing at St. Petersburg and Alabama, which is an interesting pairing to the say the least (Fisher is an oval specialist, while Rahal is a road racing snob). It'll be interesting to see if Rahal can get to the front with Fisher's car. It'll also be interesting to see what kind of deal Rahal works out with Chip Ganassi's team for Indy as it's assumed right now that Ganassi will run a legitimate third car for the 500 (all he needs is sponsorship). It's also assumed that Ganassi will stick with Rahal and the third car after Indy and maybe run the rest of the year. The IRL keeps claiming that Rahal is an integral part of the league's future, so why the hell did it wait this long to get him a ride in a top team? It just makes no sense.



The big story in NASCAR, which had a rare off weekend last week, is the lack of a major penalty for Carl Edwards after the incident at Atlanta with Brad Keselowski. A bunch of people apparently felt that Edwards should have been suspended for a few races for intentionally wrecking Keselowski at the end of the Kobalt Tools 500. NASCAR, I assume, decided not to do much beyond putting Edwards on probation for three races because a big suspension would have put the kibosh on its "Let 'em race and mix it up" marketing philosophy that's supposed to make the racing more interesting. It's a decision that makes sense because, yeah, Edwards was just doing what the bosses wanted him to do, mix it up. But how long can this kind of thing go on before something really, really bad happens?



Bristol is up next. That track is known for bad tempers and numerous accidents. We'll see how far NASCAR allows the "mix it up" thing to go now that they've seen the drivers really will mix it up.

Maybe another month?



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That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Don't forget to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Brian: Uh..Peter according to this you're not a genius. In fact you're mentally retarded.

Peter: Oh yeah? Well would a mentally retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?

Brian: Uhh maybe.

Peter: Oh."
That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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