The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 5.24.10: Issue #107 - Simon Says Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 05.24.2010
In this issue I take a look at the 2006 low budget slasher flick "Simon Says" starring the great Crispin Glover
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #107: "Simon Says" (2006)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never tried to build an underground base, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number one hundred and seven, I take a look at the low budget but well made slasher flick that was made in 2006 but didn't make its DVD debut until 2009, "Simon Says," starring the immortal Crispin Glover.
Simon Says (2006)
"Simon Says," written and directed by William Dear (the man behind the classic "Harry and the Henderson" and "If Looks Could Kill") stars Crispin Glover as Simon and Stanley, twin brother weirdoes that live out in the woods. They run a pseudo general store that campers stop at to fill up on necessary supplies. While there, both Simon and Stanley scare the crapola out of them (because they're both pretty damn weird, although Stanley isn't as weird as Simon). After the campers leave, both Stanley and Simon decide whether or not to follow them into the woods and kill them. They usually don't let anyone go because, well, they just don't. They're fucking nuts.
The campers at the heart of the story are Kate (Margo Harshman), the pot head Zack (Greg Cipes), the uptight prude Ashley (Kelly Vitz), the macho jock douchebag Riff (Artie Baxter), and the uber hot slut Vicky (Carrie Finklea). They're college friends going off into the woods to have some fun (drink some booze, smoke a little pot, engage in some sex, the usual stuff). When they get into the woods after meeting Stanley and Simon they split up. Ashley goes for a jog (she carries a portable CD player), Vicky goes with Riff to get wood, and Kate and Zack just sort of hang around and argue about stuff (Zack eventually drives off to do something not all that important). As expected, Stanley and Simon follow after them and start picking them off one by one. Will the survivors be able to stop Stanley and Simon before it's too late?
The great thing about "Simon Says" is that it's a slasher movie that's very, very happy being a slasher movie. Sure, it subverts the genre a little bit by killing off the people you don't expect to see die, at least at the beginning, but it has no problem being a movie about a deranged tandem of weirdoes out in the woods that enjoy killing people in inventive, gory as all hooha ways. Far too many modern slasher movies feel the need to be hip and edgy and incredibly self aware (you know, all that crap where characters in the movie start talking about how what they're going through is just like a movie they all saw. That crap just annoys me). "Simon Says" doesn't do any of that. It's a slasher movie that's a slasher movie.
The other great thing about "Simon Says" is its star Crispin Glover. Glover is one of the quirkiest character actors working today, and he's a natural for a movie like this. He makes both Stanley and Simon incredibly deranged killers that are simply beyond contempt, but you can't help but watch them in action. Glover doesn't make either Stanley or Simon sympathetic in any way, but he manages to make you care about them anyway. Glover also knows how to straddle the line between being a cruel prick and a goofy slasher movie villain. There's a scene where he stomps a little dog to death. Normally, that kind of scene would be just awful (no one wants to see a cute little dog get stomped to death). But Glover knows how to make you both horrified by what you see him do and laugh at it at the same time. It's ridiculous.
Mention also needs to be made of writer-director William Dear's apparent insistence on not shying away from the kind of nasty, gory death scenes slasher movie fans come to expect in a slasher movie. Limbs get ripped off, we see pick axes rammed through chests with abandon, cute little dogs get stomped to death, and when someone gets set on fire he or she gets set on goddamn fire. And it's all done with the kind of style that you just don 't see all that much these days in low budget slasher movies (like the pick axe flinging contraptions that Stanley and Simon use. They're ridiculous, but because the movie takes the machines seriously and because we see what they can do to the human body the audience is scared of them. You sure as heck don't want to be attacked by someone using it).
The movie does have a few tiny flaws. The flick has very little nudity (one of the women flashes her boobs but that's about it). It's a tad slow at the beginning as we get to know the main campers (there's about five minutes of arguing in there that we don't really need. We don't need to know all that much about them to like them or hate them). And there's a slaughter scene towards the middle of the movie that feels tacked on. The kill scenes are well done and all, but it comes off too much like the studio or producer saying "We need to kill more people in this thing! Go find some, William!" And the big twist involving Stanley and Simon should come off as more shocking than it currently does. You kind of figure out what the big twist is likely to be after about ten minutes, but it should still feel like a big, unexpected twist when it's finally revealed in the movie.
The main campers are pretty decent. They're not quite on the same level as Glover but they do a good job nonetheless. Margo Harshman is decent as Kate (she should have been "dolled up" a little more, but she's okay as is). Greg Cipes is excellent as the stoner Zack (it's the hair). You're really going to be surprised by how long he manages to last. Kelly Vitz does a fine job as Ashley, although I have to admit that it's a shame she doesn't get topless at least once (isn't that what happens to prudes in slasher movies before they die?). Carrie Finklea should be commended for being topless, even if it's only once. And Artie Baxter manages to make his macho jock douchebag Riff character likeable despite the fact he's a macho jock douchebag (he also manages to make his name, Riff, work for him instead of against him. Who the hell names their kid Riff anyway?).
I wasn't expecting much out of "Simon Says" going into it. I didn't think I'd see all that much of Crispin Glover (I figured he'd done one of those Robert Englund cameos where he basically shows up for five minutes and gets his name on the cover of the DVD box but doesn't really fit into the majority of the movie) and I didn't think I'd see all that much in terms of cool slasher movie violence. I was pleasantly surprised at what I did get to see, mainly a great character actor getting to play a weird beard killer in a movie that's happy to be a weird beard killer slasher movie. Like I said above, you just don't see high quality movies like that anymore.
Track "Simon Says" down and see it. See it, see it, see it.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous black and white home video, head smashing, gratuitous Crispin Glover, gratuitous Crispin Glover welding something together, a newspaper headline that says "Not Retarded!" on it, gratuitous hip and edgy young people in a hippie van, gratuitous weird beard redneck pseudo zombies, fish gutting, gratuitous hick flashback, gratuitous dope smoking, more head smashing, dusty shelves, a bloody flashback, more pot smoking, inhaling pot smoke from a plastic bottle, dick pictures, gratuitous boobies, multiple pick axes to the chest, douchebag guitar playing, a very disgusting public grill, butt fondling, making out, gratuitous jogging, a slow motion walking and bikini scene, blood smearing, gratuitous alcohol drinking, dick talking, foot breaking, pick axe to the back, bloody dismemberment, gratuitous Crispin Glover killing paintballers, a spiky spinning log, dog stomping, knife to the back, double pick axe impalement, multiple hangings, a body filled with dead bodies, weird big attack, using a dead body as a battering ram, van attack, a great and gruesome bit with a CD, gratuitous machine that shoots pick axes at people like a machine gun, a rolling barrel filled with dead spikes, truck door slamming, an off road excursion, a funny family reunion, finger cutting, a severe beating, the world's biggest joint, gut spitting, a bad but still cool CGI man on fire gag, blindfolding a dead body, ball touching, shirt cutting, gratuitous using a skeleton as a weapon, pick axe to the side, meat cleaver to the head, and a not so fulfilling ending.
Best lines: "We're going to pan for gold?," "Told ya I knew what I was doing," "Let's play a game. 'Simon says,'" This guy doesn't know shit. He's a fucking tard," "Is anyone straight here besides me?," "And that, ladies, is how a one armed man counts his change," "Oh, shit, I was supposed to bring the food, too?," "So much for laying out, huh, Vick?," "Get off the pot, man. Do you think you can walk into the real world with your head in a smoke cloud?," "I don't want to be left alone!," "Kate has entered the forest!," "Jesus, Riff, two in a row?," "Simon says let's play catch," "Dude, I hot a fucking dog! It was a dog!," "I'm not gonna let Simon hurt ya! Why should he have all of the fun?," "Why don't you girls just hang out?," "Simon says it's time for Stan to have some fun," "Who is hungry?," "How about a hand sandwich?," "Now that's what I call a fatty!," "You're not stupid, Stanley," "I'm going to make you feel something you've never felt before," and "You forgot to say 'Simon says'."
Rating: 8.5/10.0
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And now, the weekly Fearnet update
Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.
Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. That 3-D remake of "Night of the Living Dead" starring Sid Haig was on there last week. Is it still there? Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.
If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.
(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).
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And now, a little bit about "Live Evil"
"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is currently on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick that's well worth the price.
According to the flick's Facebook page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD July 13th, 2010 and that it can now be pre-ordered on Amazon.com. July 13th, 2010 is getting closer and closer. That's just damn cool.
If you're a reader from Germany, though, you can go to the amazon German site and order the flick right now. Lucky bastards.
Be sure to keep an eye on the flick's MySpace page and the flick's Facebook page for further updates/developments.
"Live Evil" will be here soon for everyone to enjoy. I, for one, can't wait for that moment.
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Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
"Simon Says"
Crispin Glover- Simon/Stanley Margo Harshman- Kate Greg Cipes- Zack Kelly Vitz- Ashley Artie Baxter- Riff Carrie Finklea- Vicky
Directed by William Dear Screenplay by William Dear
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for bloody horror violence and gore, drug use, language and brief sexuality/nudity Runtime 87 minutes
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