The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 5.31.10: Issue #108 - Tunnel Rats Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 05.31.2010
In this issue, I take a look at the 2008 alleged movie "Tunnel Rats," co-written and directed by Uwe Boll. Yeah, it's come to that. I'm reviewing a Uwe Boll movie.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #108: "Tunnel Rats" (2008)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never tried to harness the power of the moon to do anything (I mean, how the hell do you harness the power of the moon to begin with? Is there some kind of machine you can buy or build or something? And is it worth going through all of the effort to harness the power of the moon to begin with? What the hell can you do with that kind of power anyway?) The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number one hundred and eight, I take a look at the 2008 low budget alleged movie "Tunnel Rats" co-written and directed by Uwe Boll.
Yes, the Uwe Boll. Look, it was eventually going to happen. Boll movies, like it or not, are part of the current B-movie landscape, and as such he can't be ignored. He should be ignored, but if Neil Johnson can keep making movies (and Neil Johnson is the worst director going today) Uwe Boll can keep making them, too (at least Boll's movies actually kind of look like movies and sort of function like them).
Tunnel Rats (2008)
"Tunnel Rats," also known as "1968 Tunnel Rats" for some reason, has no real story or much of a plot. Basically, a group of American soldiers arrive in the jungle via helicopter, meet up with a tough as nails bad ass Sergeant named Vic Hollowborn (Michael Pare, making his eighth appearance in a Uwe Boll movie), and then go into the tunnels underneath the jungle to try to kill the Viet Cong that are in them. The VC have the tunnels booby trapped, so the Americans that have to venture into them not only have to deal with the VC soldiers but they also have to deal with tripwires and hidden explosives. And the dark, too. It's pretty dang dark in those tunnels.
Now, if you manage to make it to the end of the movie without fast forwarding it (it's difficult but it can be done), you'll notice that the American soldiers (I'm sorry that I can't provide any character names because I don't remember them) don't fare all that well. The VC soldiers pretty much own the Americans both in the tunnels and later on in the movie above ground in the jungle. There's probably some overall point that both Boll and co-writer Dan Clarke are trying to make here but I have no idea what it could be. Is it some kind of anti-American statement, some kind of comment on American military power? Again, I have no idea. Perhaps had someone else besides Boll made the movie (you know, a director that knows how to make a consistently coherent movie, like Jesse V. Johnson of "Alien Agent" fame. I bet Johnson could have made a compelling movie out of the idea, as I understand it, behind "Tunnel Rats") the movie's message may have been able to come through. As it stands now, "Tunnel Rats" isn't about anything beyond its alleged plot, so it isn't about anything.
The actors here are essentially non-existent because you have no idea who any of them are and you never really care about any of them. Pare is the only one you're likely to be interested in because he's the only one you're likely to recognize. Too bad he isn't the focus of the movie. I can guarantee you that he would have made "Tunnel Rats" at least kind of watchable if it had been about him. In wish I knew why Pare has decided to team up with Boll and make movie after movie with him, though. It just doesn't make any sense. Does Boll own him? Did Pare lose a bet and now he's forced to work for Boll for the rest of his life? Pare is a good actor. He deserves better than working with Boll.
Now, I don't have anything against Boll. He seems like a fun and cool guy to go and see at horror conventions, he's obviously dedicated to making movies and raising the money necessary to make them, and that's something you have to respect. Uwe Boll doesn't fuck around when it comes to making a movie that he wants to make. Boll's problem is he has no real skill at actually making them. I'll admit that the first "Bloodrayne" movie was kind of okay (it had its moments, and it did have a pretty fucking cool score) and "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" is about halfway coherent (the movie loses itself in the big ass battle in the middle of the movie). But "House of the Dead" sucks and "Alone in the Dark" is an abomination. I haven't seen "Seed" or any of the "Bloodrayne" sequels or "Far Cry" so I have no idea if they're as bad as Boll's previous movies. Is "Tunnel Rats" just a bit of bad moviemaking, the kind of thing that happens to directors every now and then, or is it yet another example of Boll's ineptitude? Is anyone out there a Boll expert/aficionado that can fill me in here? Does he need a video game concept to anchor him, to give himself a starting point, or does it not matter at all? "Tunnel Rats" is not based on a video game, it's an original concept. Where does it fall in the Boll achievement list?
Do I have anything positive to say about the movie? Yes, I do. The flick has some pretty decent gore scenes. There are several up close and personal knife wounds with copious amounts of blood. There's a pretty cool effect involving a sharp bamboo rod that gets jammed through a soldier's neck. And Pare performs a pretty nifty blood puking scene. That's about all I can recommend about the movie. The blood and gore. If only there was a compelling story to work in concert with the gore.
The use of the song "In the Year 2525" by Zager and Evans over the opening credits is likely meant to mean something. If it's meant to foreshadow a kind of bleakness (because, you know, war is hell and all that) it really doesn't. It just comes off as a song that Boll picked because it's a song from the 1960's and the movie takes place in the 1960's.
So, yeah, I wouldn't recommend checking out "Tunnel Rats," even on a dare. It's a complete waste of time for everyone involved. Don't see it. Avoid it all costs. But a bit of word of warning. "Tunnel Rats" will likely not be the last Boll movie reviewed in this column. Like I said at the beginning, Boll is a part of the modern B-movie scene. He keeps churning movies out. He can't be ignored, no matter how hard we all try. So be on the look out for the next one. It could happen sooner rather than later.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous guy in an underground tunnel with an AK-47 and a lit torch, gratuitous "In the Year 2525," a smoldering chopper, snakes, a mouse, gut stabbing with gushing blood, gratuitous "and Michael Pare," body bag collecting, profanity, gratuitous Michael Pare, head shaving, gratuitous Michael Pare talking about the Bible for some reason, "gook" hanging, gratuitous soldiers eating food in a mess tent, potential cream corn, an ass kicking, more gut stabbing, gratuitous dark underground tunnels, gratuitous booby traps, sharpened bamboo stick through the neck, grenade attack, a black guy using an M-60, a massive ambush, a gut shot, smoking barrels, forced drowning, bayonet to the chest, flamethrower hooey, exploding jeep, blood puking, a final fight of some kind, and a kerosene lamp that goes out.
Best lines: "Garraty, how the fuck are you?," "You know, where I come from that's murder," "People like Miller got no business being out here," "Just make the fucking shit work!," and "Hey, don't get stupid on me!"
Rating: 2.0/10.0
*** And now, the weekly Fearnet update
What's on Fearnet this week? Why don't you go here to find out?
Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out free movies (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more (Uwe Boll's piece of garbage "House of the Dead" was on there last week. Is it still there? Check and see). The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.
Plus, you can get information on how to contact Time Warner Cable as they still haven't reinstated the free, 24/7 on demand horror channel (this has been going on for about a year now, hasn't it? What the hell is the hold up? Where the hell is my Fearnet?). Come on Time Warner! We want our Fearnet!
And, if you haven't done so already, please check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.
(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).
***
And now, a little bit about "Live Evil"
"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is currently on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick that's well worth the price.
According to the flick's Facebook page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD July 13th, 2010 and that it can now be pre-ordered on Amazon.com. July 13th, 2010 is getting closer and closer. That's just damn cool.
If you're a reader from Germany, though, you can go to the amazon German site and order the flick right now. Lucky bastards.
Be sure to keep an eye on the flick's MySpace page and the flick's Facebook page for further updates/developments.
"Live Evil" will be here soon for everyone to enjoy. I, for one, can't wait for that moment.
***
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
"Tunnel Rats"
Michael Pare- Sgt. Vic Hollowborn Wilson Bethel- Corporal Dan Green Mitch Eakins- Private Peter Harris Erik Eidem- Private Carl Johnson Brandon Fobbs- Private Samuel Graybridge Jane Le- Huy Tran Adrian Collins- Private Dean Garraty
(go here for the rest of the cast)
Directed by Uwe Boll Screenplay by Uwe Boll and Dan Clarke, based on a story by Daniel Clarke
