TV Rants and Raves 06.02.10

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 06.02.2010

Rants and Raves about the season finales of “NCIS,” “NCIS: Los Angeles,” “CSI” and “The Mentalist” and the series finales of “Law & Order” and “Mercy,” plus two more Strange Thoughts, my thoughts on “Iron Man 2,” Brian Barnhart wins a special award, Indy 500 thoughts, and more, plus RIP Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman...

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that has never been hired to drive a truck full of avocados from Waterloo, Iowa to Frankford, Delaware, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Before I get into the main part of the column, I want to say a few words about the recent passings of the legendary Dennis Hopper and 1980's TV star Gary Coleman.

First up, Hopper. It isn't all that surprising to hear about Hopper's passing, as he had been battling prostate cancer and, based on his public appearance for his star on the walk of fame in Hollywood, he didn't look good at all. But when you think back to what Hopper did and went through from the start of his acting career up until about twenty five years ago it's amazing he lived as long as he did. With all of the cocaine and booze and everything else, how the hell did he keep going? It's amazing to think that he managed to live through it all.





He was both a talented actor and a decent enough director. He directed "Easy Rider," the movie he'll probably most be remembered for besides David Lynch's "Blue Velvet." He directed "Colors" with Sean Penn, a movie I didn't understand until about five years ago (it's an amazing movie, by the way). And, of course, he directed the classic "Chasers," with Tom Berenger and the uber hot Erika Eleniak.

As for straight up acting, he worked with everyone from James Dean ("Rebel Without a Cause") to John Wayne ("True Grit") to Martin Sheen ("Apocalypse Now") to Gene Hackman ("Hoosiers." Hopper earned an Oscar nomination for that movie) to Christian Slater ("True Romance") to Kevin Costner ("Waterworld," "Swing Vote") and a whole host of others. He also did a bunch of TV stuff, including the recent series "E-Ring" with Benjamin Bratt (I loved that show. Too bad it only lasted one season) and the villain in the first season of "24" and he had a significant part in the Starz cable show "Crash" (he did a bunch of earlier stuff, too. Check out the full list here).

The three movies that I think of when I think of Dennis Hopper are the classic "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2," where he played Lt. "Lefty" Enright. Watching Hopper kick ass with chainsaws is about as cool as it gets.



Next up his mad bomber villain in "Speed." He was such a prick in that movie that you cheered when he lost his head in the subway (I know I did). And that whole "he's missing a thumb" thing still creeps me out.



And then there's the villain Kaufman in George A. Romero's "Land of the Dead." Hopper took the somewhat standard rich guy prick villain and made him, well, real. That movie was five years ago and was probably his last great performance.



We knew it was inevitable considering his condition. It's not all that surprising. But it's still sad anyway. Dennis Hopper will be missed. At least we'll always have his movies.



Dennis Hopper 1936-2010 RIP


Gary Coleman was one of the biggest TV stars in the 1980's. His Arnold Jackson character on the classic sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes" was the reason people tuned in each and every week (it's why I tuned in). Coleman was the show.



When the show ended, though, Coleman's career stalled and never really got going again, at least not at the level of "Diff'rent Strokes." He acted off and on through the years, usually in bit parts in movies and TV shows where he essentially played a version of Arnold Jackson, but he was never able to rise above weird, ironic entertainment curiosity (he ran for Governor of California during the big hooha recall election). Couple that with his various medical issues (he had kidney problems throughout his life) and family scuffles (he sued his parents when he found out that they stole his money from the show), it's easy to say that Coleman didn't have an easy life. It makes you wonder if he ever found happiness at any point in his life.

He died from a brain hemorrhage after a fall in his home in Utah. He was 42. That's fucking sad.



Gary Coleman 1968-2010 RIP





And now, onto the main part of the column:


TV Rants and Raves





- "NCIS" season finale thoughts: Well, that was quite the season finale, wasn't it? I'm shocked that Director Vance (Rocky Carroll) had nothing to do with the scheme to bring Gibbs down. It was actually the sole doing of the head of a Mexican drug cartel, Paloma Reynosa (Jacqueline Obradors), and it all had to do with revenge. Gibbs killed Reynosa's father after her father killed Gibbs' wife and daughter. It makes sense, sure, but I sure as heck didn't see it coming.

I liked seeing Mark Harmon stretch the usually stoic Gibbs character and see him under duress. Gibbs is worried that the incredibly dangerous Reynosa is going to make good on her promise and start killing all of the people close to him (I'd like to see her try to kill Ziva. There is no doubt in my mind that Ziva would hand that bitch her ass in a bag without breaking a sweat). We saw, at the very end of the episode, Reynosa show up at Gibbs' father's store in Pennsylvania. She promised earlier in the episode to put a bullet in his head. Did she do it? Did she shoot Gibbs' father?



I really don't know. I mean, Reynosa doesn't seem like the kind of person to have much in the way of a conscience, and I don't see her stopping her quest for revenge for anything. She doesn't seem like the kind of person that has many personal revelations to peace. But then would the show kill Gibbs' father without Gibbs making an effort to save him, sort of like a ticking time bomb thing where Gibbs doesn't get there in time but he's close? It could (the show sure had no qualms about blowing away Kate at the end of season two) but I would think that the show would want to give Ralph Waite a chance to die with some kind of dignity. Waite is a good actor and I bet he could knock out a killer death scene. "NCIS" could stand to have a killer death scene.

I'm confused about the stuff with Franks and DiNozzo in Mexico, though. What the hell is going on there? Is Franks tracking the Mexican federal cop that's in cahoots with the drug cartel, or is Franks tracking someone else? And how the hell is DiNozzo connected to it? What the hell did I miss? And am I the only one that thinks Franks isn't going to last much longer past the first episode of the next season? That missing finger is going to cause him some kind of major problem that gets him killed.



I'm a little disappointed that Robert Patrick's Colonel Merton Bell is dead. I really wanted to see that piece of crap Bell get killed on screen. But then, maybe he isn't dead. What's the chance that Bell's death is all a ruse created by Reynosa to throw Gibbs and NCIS off guard? I don't know how they could change DNA records and whatnot, but it is a TV show. Anything is possible.

The wait to September is going to be unbearable. Did Reynosa kill Gibbs' father? Did she?




- "NCIS: Los Angeles" season finale thoughts: You know, I have no problem admitting to the world that I like "NCIS: Los Angeles." It's still got a few problems, but it's still one of the better action shows on television and it's become sort of a must see every week. It's one of the best looking shows currently on television. I just wish that it would keep the search for G. Callen's back story/family/identity to a minimum unless it can guarantee that the "revelations" are interesting and mind blowing. The revelations at the end of the "NCIS: Los Angeles" season finale were not interesting or mind blowing. At all.

So Callen has a sister. On paper, that would seem to be a huge revelation because Callen had no idea that he had a sister. But the way it played out it just didn't matter all that much. Maybe I missed something, but within the context of the show it doesn't come off as that big of a deal. The episode preceding this one should have been the season finale. At least that one was exciting and had an aura of "what the heck is going to happen next?"

So what is the new season going to bring us? Are we going to be treated to more "Callen looking for his family" stuff or the usual mission based type stuff? I'd rather see more mission based stuff with a few cliffhangers thrown in for added interest (cliffhangers are always fun). I would much rather see the back story storyline relegated to small subplots in individual episodes. Like I said before, unless there's something super major planned for Callen's identity, something so incredibly mind blowing that it will cause fans of the show to discuss it for years, there's no real point in devoting total episodes to it. At present, it just isn't that interesting.



Do you think the team will get a new member to replace the guy that was killed? It doesn't seem like the show needs to replace Dominic (Adam Jamal Craig). The show seems to have hit a nice rhythm without him. I am surprised that that LAPD cop (I don't remember his name) didn't get a full time job with the team. He had good chemistry with Kensi and he had a nice antagonism with Callen and Hanna. Do you think Hetty really wants to hire another agent to be a part of the team? She was ready to quit after Dominic died. She was distraught over his death and felt personally responsible for it. Is she going to be able to handle picking a new guy? That new guy might die in the line of duty. Hetty clearly doesn't like it when that happens.



Hopefully the new season in the fall doesn't get too bogged down in the "Callen mystery" thing. I'm sure that's why Chris O'Donnell agreed to do the show in the first place (because, you know, he's an artist and all that) but, after this past season finale, I don't think the show can withstand more of that crap. It's just boring.



- "Law & Order" series finale thoughts: I wonder if Dick Wolf and company knew ahead of time, had an inkling anyway, that "Law & Order" probably wouldn't get renewed for a twenty first season. The season finale for season 20 sure did feel like a series finale. Everyone got a big final moment (the cops got to kick ass in the school attack, Cutter and Rubirosa got to take on those "evil" union rules, and McCoy got to have one last complete freak out). And Van Buren, I guess, beat cancer.

It sure as heck looked like she may not make it past the end of the season, that she would die or go off to die at the end of the season. As Benjamin Bratt's Rey Curtis said when he came to see Van Buren while in town for his wife's funeral, everyone was dying. His wife was dead. Briscoe was dead. And Van Buren was about to die. It was the end of the line for everyone. But at the end of the episode she got the call from her doctor and, apparently, she got good news. Things, in the end, were not as bad as they seemed.

And so, in a sense, the show got to end on a poetic note. The world of "Law & Order" will go on, even if the show is over. Van Buren is still going to be the "Lew" (although she's got a wedding to plan. Good job, Ernie Hudson). Bernard and Loops are still going to be tracking down bad guys. Cutter is still going to prosecute criminals. Rubirosa is going to continue prosecuting criminals while looking fucking fine. And Jack McCoy is still going to be the District Attorney, at least for a little while longer (do you think McCoy would actually retire? Do you think he could, in good conscience, stop being a prosecutor?) If NBC doesn't decide to do a "Law & Order" TV movie to give the show a "proper" send off, I'm satisfied with how it ended. Everyone gets to fight on another day.

Can I be a pig and say that if there is a TV movie in the future that it needs to feature at least one scene of Rubirosa either in a bikini or in her underwear? I apologize, but Alana De La Garza is goddamn hot.



"Yes, yes I am."

I'm shocked that NBC hasn't announced any details on the new "Law & Order," "Law & Order: Los Angeles." The network doesn't have a cast yet? Shouldn't they start taping episodes soon? What the hell are they waiting for?



- "CSI" season finale thoughts: Wow. That was quite the final scene, wasn't it? Serial killer Nate Haskell (Bill Irwin) stabbing Larry Fishburne's Raymond Langston in the back several times with what appears to be a sharpened plastic straw. That's got to suck, right? And am I the only one that didn't see it coming?

I mean, when you sit and think about it, Haskell attacking Langston makes big time sense since Langston spent most of the episode in the room with him. He was there when they brought in the food and the stripper, he was there when they brought Haskell in and put him in the temporary cell. And it was pretty obvious that that fucking cop/guard, the one with the Taser, was going to die by the end of the episode. That guy just had to die.

Now, and perhaps I missed this, but why didn't Haskell try to get out of the cell after he stabbed Langston? Haskell is probably smart enough to realize that, without a big ass killer plan to escape the building, he wouldn't get within ten feet of an exit. But you'd think that he'd want to do in Langston, or at least menace him a little after stabbing him with that sharpened straw. Maybe stand over him and do that "How does it feel?" thing while creating a sinister shadow over Langston's prone body.



I read that several cast members' contracts are up and that some of them might not be coming back. Fishburne is coming back, and it sounds like the network and producers are going to do whatever it takes to keep Marg Helgenberger happy, so who do you think can the show do without? Will George Eads be sent packing? Will Jorja Fox's Sarah be sent back to the jungle or wherever to hang out with Grissom (and when the hell is he coming back for a guest starring bit? November sweeps?). Will Jim Brass get a pink slip?

Is it possible that CBS is tired of the show and that's why it wants to get a cheaper cast? Can a show like CSI withstand a major cast shake up like removing half of the people on the show?



- "Mercy" series finale thoughts: It isn't all that surprising that NBC decided to cancel "Mercy" after one season. It just didn't have a great rating and it never really found an audience (it did have a better rating than the other new NBC medial show, "Trauma," which I thought was awful. I watched the first episode and couldn't figure out how the hell NBC said picking the show was a good idea. It was terrible). I do think, though, that had "Mercy" been picked up for a second season it could have found an audience.

The end of the series, which was set up as a season finale, ended on a bit of a cliffhanger. James Tupper's Dr. Sands could be dead in Afghanistan after a terrorist attack and a plane crash (or it could have been a helicopter crash. I can't remember which one it is. It's an aircraft of some kind. I know that). Michelle Trachtenberg's Nurse Chloe had decided to go to medical school. Jamie Lee Kirchner's Nurse Sonia Jimenez was still the hottest woman on the show (I hope she gets another gig soon). And Taylor Schilling's star Nurse Callahan was in the bathtub, not answering the phone because she just wanted to relax. So who the heck was calling her?

Shit. We'll never know, will we? Hopefully, when the DVD comes out the show's producers are allowed to put together either a small documentary or an episode commentary that will let us in on what was set to happen during a second season. I want to know who the heck was calling Callahan.

Now, how could this show have found an audience? NBC is going to have a slightly higher profile in the fall as the entertainment media speculates on what's likely to happen in the new TV season. With that higher profile and increased level of advertising "Mercy" could have been sandwiched between two new or returning shows and then found an audience. And while the show did have issues (it was never all that exciting, regardless of its guest stars or storylines) it was a pretty solid show anyway. It was always, more or less, watchable. Why not keep it around as a mid season replacement? It could have found a larger audience during the winter months.

Eh. It's all moot now. "Mercy" is over and it ain't coming back. Hopefully that DVD gives us some answers.

And finally,



- "The Mentalist" season finale thoughts: Okay, I think I'm officially fucking bored with all of this Red John shit. I was actually pretty excited to see Patrick Jane and his first face-to-face encounter with the man that killed his wife and daughter. I really thought that the moment would be filled with energy and menace and tension and fear. But nothing like that happened. Instead, I have absolutely no idea what the hell happened.

So, what the hell happened?

I really can't see this Red John thing lasting past the next season at the most. I mean, how can this ongoing storyline last the rest of the series? I just don't see it.

What the hell is the deal with all of these ongoing storylines involving serial killers that are just not fucking interesting?

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And now, a shameless plug for TLC



"Cake Boss," the great cake decorating show featuring Buddy Valastro and his cake making crew at Carlo's Bake Shop in Hoboken, New Jersey, is back on Monday nights with new episodes that started this past Monday. "Cake Boss" is easily the best "cake" show on TV right now (cake shows are like wedding shows on cable nowadays, they're everywhere). It's fun to watch Buddy interact with his baking team and with customers. They're all, for the lack of a better word, characters. It's also fun to see what kind of cakes Buddy and his team are going to be hired to create. Will there be anything as cool as the "zombie cake" this season? You'll have to tune in every Monday at 10pm to find out.





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Strange Thoughts

Once again I have two Strange Thoughts for you to read, ponder, and hopefully be entertained by. Most of these come to me while I'm at my soul killing day job (what better place to day dream, right?). Enjoy.



- At the end of George A. Romero's "Day of the Dead," how long do you think the zombies that infiltrated the bunker hung around before they left? A few days? Do you think Bub the "smart" zombie eventually led them out of the bunker via the tunnels that Sarah, John, and McDermott used to get out? Because the elevator was broken, right? Salazar, right before he committed suicide by zombie, fucked up the elevator's controls so the remaining soldiers couldn't use it to escape. So the only way out of the bunker was the tunnels. So, again, how long do you think they all hung around before figuring out how to get out?



I'd like to think that Bub, over the course of a month or so, tried to get as many of his fellow zombies out of the bunker because it's dark down there and pretty goddamn scary but that he eventually gave up because he couldn't find all of them (I'm sure some of them wandered down some tunnels never to be seen or heard from again because they could never figure out how to get the hell out). And when he was finished with all of that he went on his own adventure somewhere.



Of course, he also could have went to find Dr. Logan's body, only to find it being eaten by his fellow zombies, which then caused him to go nuts and shoot his fellow zombies for eating his fucking friend. Wouldn't it be cool to find out that was an actual deleted scene Romero shot but decided to take out of the movie?
You know it would be cool.



- What the hell do you think Daniel LaRusso (that would be the character played by Ralph Macchio in the "Karate Kid" movie franchise, just in case you didn't know) is doing right now? Do you think he's still out in California, teaching kids karate the same way he learned karate? Man, if he is, how the hell does he explain to the parents of the kids what he's doing? And how much does he charge them?



"I'm paying $50 bucks a week for my kid to paint your goddamn house? I thought this was a karate school?"

Or do you think LaRusso went back to New Jersey, perhaps after Mr. Miyagi died (and he's probably dead now, right? Pat Morita is dead, so it's safe to say that Miyagi is dead, too). And if he did move back to New Jersey do you think he's teaching kids karate there? Or do you think LaRusso has become one of the wimpiest bounty hunters/personal body guards in world history? Because I can see him doing that kind of thing. He knows fucking karate, man, he can do anything.
Because fucking LaRusso, he never really learned anything, did he? That guy was just perpetually stupid.



It would be cool to find out that he opened a private detective agency with John Kreese (Martin fucking Kove), who finally just accepted that it was a waste of time to try to kick LaRusso's ass because he was just going to fuck it up. I think I'd like to see that movie/TV show. Danny LaRusso and John Kreese taking on the Reseda mob. Those guys better watch the fuck out.





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The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.



***

And now, Dr. Phil.



"You know who I'm fucking tired of? That motherfucker in that '5 Hour Energy' drink commercial. You know, the one where the guy asks how you feel at 2:30. You know how I feel at 2:30? I feel fucking fine, that's how I feel. So the 2:30 dude can go fucking fuck himself. Cocksucker. I'm gonna go down to that office and I'm going to punch him in the fucking face."

Jeeze, Phil. I know how you feel. I don't like the 5 Hour Energy Drink guy, either, But isn't that all a little extreme?



"And then I'll have my buddy Dr. Oz show up at that office and fuck him in the ass. That's what Dr. Oz is good at. And while Oz is doing that I'll ramjam that chick delivering the mail. You know, that one in the red shirt. Man, she's got a nice rack. I've got a special delivery for you, bitch. It's in my pants and it's my huge fucking cock. You know she wants it. And I can go for longer than five hours. Fuck yeah!"

Phil, man, that is fucking disturbing. Take a valium or something. Shit.




***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. Uwe Boll's piece of garbage "House of the Dead" was on there last week. Is it still there?Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.



If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

***

And now, a little bit about "Live Evil"



"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is currently on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick that's well worth the price.

According to the flick's Facebook page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD July 13th, 2010 and that it can now be pre-ordered on Amazon.com. July 13th, 2010 is getting closer and closer. That's just damn cool.

If you're a reader from Germany, though, you can go to the amazon German site and order the flick right now. Lucky bastards.

Be sure to keep an eye on the flick's MySpace page and the flick's Facebook page for further updates/developments.

"Live Evil" will be here soon for everyone to enjoy. I, for one, can't wait for that moment.





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Featured Bit: Thoughts on "Iron Man 2"



I finally got a chance to see "Iron Man 2." It only took three weeks since it opened but I got it done (which is shocking since I missed "Kick-Ass," "The Losers," and the Freddy remake, which didn't exactly win great reviews but I still wanted to see it. I'll just have to wait for the DVD. Fucking crappy day job). And I thought the movie was great.

Yes, that's what I said. Like its predecessor, "Iron Man 2" was great. Yes, it's got several flaws, but the flick's overall energy and sense of fun make up for the flaws that would have destroyed any other movie. It seems, after two movies, that "Iron Man" movies are not so much about the plot but more about spending time with the characters, hanging out with them for two hours, and then hoping that whatever scheme the villain has in store will be foiled by our heroes (and so far it's happened both times, the villain has been vanquished). What I find shocking is that neither movie features a villain plot to take over the world or America or really anything. Well, the villains in each flick do want to corner the military weapons market, but that's not really on par with taking over the world, is it?



Robert Downey, Jr. puts in yet another fine performance as Tony Stark/Iron Man. He's just as charismatic and annoying as in the first movie, and you can see why people want to follow Stark to the ends of the Earth. He's just got that personal pizzazz that's electric and hard to ignore. It was also great to see him humbled by his own creation, the Arc reactor that's in his chest and keeping him alive. He knew that there was a chance that that blue liquid he was drinking wouldn't keep the blood infection caused by the reactor radiation from killing him but he kept going regardless. It does make you wonder if he Stark now realizes that he's going to have to turn over aspects of the Iron Man weapon to the government just to keep himself out of jail or court. He did go on television via C-SPAN and say that no one else could reproduce the technology. Obviously, plenty of people did, and I can imagine that several people plan on suing him and Stark Industries. The man is going to need some retroactive immunity.



Gwyneth Paltrow was once again fabulous as Pepper Potts. The back and forth between herself and Stark was incredibly fun to listen to and is what helps set the "Iron Man" franchise apart from other comic book super hero movie franchises. I was shocked, though, that by the end of the movie she didn't want to be the head of Stark Industries anymore. Sure, by that time she was exasperated and annoyed and completely exhausted (having to unfuck Justin Hammer's fuck up would do that to anyone) but she doesn't seem like the kind of person to up and quit. Maybe she'll reconsider and get back in the saddle in part 3. I'm sure the Board of Directors would much rather deal with the level headed Potts than the erratic Tony Stark.



Scarlett Johansson does a great job as Natalie Rushman/Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow (she's never called that in the movie, though). Over half of that praise is for how she looks in her S.H.I.E.L.D. agent outfit (as Joe Bob Briggs might say, I've got two words for her: yum mee), but her overall performance is pretty decent anyway. I would have liked to have seen at least one extended scene between her and Pepper, as Pepper doesn't exactly exude enthusiasm for her (to Pepper, all Natalie does is get Tony excited and distracted, something he doesn't really need to have happen). That would have been fun. You'd also think that Pepper would have a secretary try to find out more about Natalie. Oh, well, Natalie/Black Widow sure does know how to wrap her legs around a guy's neck. Makes you wish it was your neck, right?

Jon Favreau, the director, gives himself a slightly bigger part in the sequel as Stark's right hand man Happy Hogan. He knows how to be the comic relief. The bit where Black Widow kicks his ass, the bit where he slams his car several times into Mickey Rourke, and the big fist fight with the Hammer henchman are all brilliant in their own ways. Do you think Hogan will somehow end up in the Iron Man armor in part 3, either as a joke or as a decoy or as a big fucking mistake? Don't be surprised if it does. In terms of the flick's direction, Favreau does a better job with the special effects and the action sequences than in the first movie. He's much more sure of himself staging the big fight scenes and everything flows better. The final fight sequence is much better than in the first movie, but it's the one thing that Favreau still needs to work at. Final fights like the one at the end of "Iron Man 2" need to feel gigantic and epic and they need to go on for a little longer than 3-5 minutes. The run up to the final fight was great. He's getting better, and that's what counts.

Don Cheadle does a decent enough job as James Rhodes/Rhodey, Stark's buddy and military liaison. He doesn't have the presence of Terrence Howard but Cheadle holds his own with Downey, Jr, and he doesn't look ridiculous in the War Machine armor, so his performance is a freaking home run as far as I'm concerned. Sam Rockwell is pretty okay as Justin Hammer, Stark's rival arms dealer. Rockwell is fun to watch and everything, but I have a hard time believing that he could run an arms company that's a rival to Stark. He doesn't come off as someone who has much of a killer instinct. I don't think he could come up with the idea of hiring Mickey Rourke's Ivan Vanko on his own. I don't think he could see the potential all by himself. As for Samuel L. Jackson, he puts in another cool performance but is he just a tad too flippant as Nick Fury? He seems way too jovial to me, at least right now. Maybe it's just me. Is Jackson's performance reminiscent of the Nick Fury in the Ultimate Marvel comics? And Garry Shandling was hilarious (a senator swearing at hearing? Who knew?).



And then there's Mickey Rourke as Ivan Vanko/Whiplash. Rourke is nothing short of a physical force here, a supreme menace that's actually scary. You know he's a guy that's going to have to be dealt with as soon as you see him in Russia but you don't know how big a deadly bad ass he's going to be until he walks out onto the racetrack at Monaco and uses his super whip weapon. At that moment Rourke was the Terminator. And Rourke's first words in English, his first extended bit of dialogue, is terrifying. I wanted Tony Stark to have him murdered right then and there in the holding cell just to spare himself and the world the hell Vanko was going to cause. Rourke's performance won't get recognized by any major awards groups (maybe the Saturn people will nominate him) but, here in "Iron Man 2" he gives one of the best pure physical performances ever. I can't wait to see the movie again to catch all of the little things Rourke no doubt does to make his performance so damn great.

So now it's on to "Thor" and "Captain America" and "The Avengers," which I'm sure will be great in their own ways. I personally can't wait for the next "Iron Man" flick. What does Favreau have in store for us to complete his proposed trilogy? Will we see The Mandarin or some other villain?

I can't wait.

And now, because I know how much you love it when I do it, the rundowns for "Iron Man 2":

So what do we have here? Gratuitous Moscow in winter, gratuitous Mickey Rourke, gratuitous Mickey Rourke pissed off, old school metal shaping, gratuitous pet bird, gratuitous "Time Magazine Man of the Year: Iron Man," a bird drinking from a cup, gratuitous Robert Downey, Jr., gratuitous AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill," rampant merchandising, gratuitous old movie, gratuitous blood toxicity monitor, gratuitous Stan Lee as Larry King, gratuitous Gwyneth Paltrow, gratuitous Garry Shandling, gratuitous Sam Rockwell, gratuitous C-Span, gratuitous Don Cheadle, gratuitous Malibu, California, gratuitous Scarlett Johansson, gratuitous Monaco Grand Prix, gratuitous Robert Downey Jr. driving a race car, spectacular race car destruction, arm on fire, gratuitous vehicular assault, blood spitting, Gwyneth Paltrow's fine ass thighs, a switcheroo, neck snapping, gratuitous Christiane Amanpour, a big ass birthday bash, a funny pee joke, exploding watermelons, an Iron Man weapons suit showdown, gratuitous "Another One Bites the Dust," double energy blasts, gratuitous Tim Guinee, donut eating, gratuitous Samuel L. Jackson, mentions of "The Incredible Hulk," some back story, another old movie, gratuitous Bill O'Reilly, giant table model stealing, sledgehammer hooey, gratuitous Captain America shield, making a new power source, a fine special effects action sequence featuring several flying robots, attempted Kim Richards, car alarm hooey, gratuitous Scarlett Johansson kicking some ass, a hilarious fist fight, and a pretty decent final fight that doesn't go on long enough, and Thor's hammer in the desert.

Best lines: (There are too many to list here, but these are the ones that I caught) "I'm not saying I'm responsible for this country's longest run of uninterrupted peace in 35 years! I'm not saying that from the ashes of captivity, never has a Phoenix metaphor been more personified! I'm not saying Uncle Sam can kick back on a long chair, sipping on an ice tea, because I haven't come across anyone man enough to face me on my best day!," "Well, it depends on how you define weapon," "I'm your nuclear deterrent," "Fuck you, Mr. Stark. Fuck you," "Unfortunately, the device that's keeping you alive is also killing you," "I don't care about the liberal agenda anymore!," "I promise you that this is the only time I'm going to ask you to sign over your company," "I want one. No," "Oh, God, that is so awful," "Is he driving?," "If you could make God bleed you could make people not believe in him," "Not everyone runs on batteries, Tony," "I want my bird," "Is that dirty enough for you?," "I think she wants the Gallagher!," "I'm sorry, pal, but Iron Man doesn't have a sidekick," "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to exit the donut," "It is not my bird," "Drone better," "Are you Iron Man? Sometimes," "Did you bring me strawberries?," "I lost both of the kids in the divorce!," "Listen, we gotta get these bitches out of here!," "Oh, man, you can have your suit back," "I think you should lead with that next time," and "Weird."

Rating: 9.0/10.0



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The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to Brian Barnhart, director of race operations for the IZOD Indycar Series, for his overbearing demeanor while operating race control for this year's Indy 500. He was on the radio most of the race warning people not to "block," whatever the hell that means. For some reason Barnhart believes that it's his job to stage manage every Indycar event, especially the 500 (last year he demanded that at the start of the race the cars be spread out before they reached turn one. Thankfully this year he didn't demand that, or if he did the drivers and teams didn't listen to him). I know the cars are going over 220 every lap, but the "no blocking" calls are just bullshit and threaten to make a potentially exciting event not so exciting. The drivers know what they're doing. Let them race and figure out for themselves.

I mean, think about how many drivers in their post race interviews whined about the blocking calls. Why did they whine so much? Because of Barnhart's douchebagness. Back off, man. Back off.



And then there's Tomas Scheckter, for punting Davey Hamilton into the wall on the first lap of this year's Indy 500. There's a big difference between being aggressive on the track (Tony Kanaan passing several cars in the first corner) and being stupid. And what Scheckter did was stupid. It was the first lap and the track was crowded. Why make sudden moves when you don't have to? It really stinks because Hamilton had a good car and probably would have had a good finish if he had been around at the end. Good job, Tomas.

"He's an idiot." That's what Hamilton said about Scheckter during his post crash interview. I couldn't say it any better.





And finally there's David Gregory, for his condescending attitude towards Russell Brand on "The Tonight Show." Gregory was on as the second guest to talk about politics with host Jay Leno, and the segment was dying a slow death. Gregory was incredibly boring and he gave Leno absolutely nothing to work with (at least guys like Tom Brokaw and the late Tim Russert could go with the flow and be a bit of a smart ass on the show). Brand, who had a giant picture of Venus Williams at the French Open with him, helped make the segment at least watchable by acting goofy. Instead of just going with the flow and following along, Gregory turned to Brand and told him, "Russell, the grown ups are talking." Oh, go fuck yourself Gregory. I wish Brand had said that. That would have been classic.

David Gregory. What a douchebag.

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And now, your weekly "Jericho" update




At this point there's nothing new to report beyond what I wrote last issue. We're all waiting for a special announcement from CBS. Hopefully we'll have that announcement soon.

Keep checking out http://www.savingjericho.com and http://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff (the Epix story keeps getting more and more interesting every week. Could Epix restart the "Jericho" TV show? It sure seems possible). And keep an eye on http://www.devilsdue.net/, the online home of Devil's Due Publishing, for information regarding future issues and everything else Devil's Due puts out (Go here to find a local comic book shop near you if you haven't done so already. It's always good to know where your local comic book shop is regardless).

And remember that you can still purchase the entire "Jericho" run on DVD. Go here to buy the entire series. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

We have to keep the faith here, folks. It's not as bad as it seems. We have to remain positive and maybe, just maybe, we'll hear something good from the fine people at CBS very, very soon.

Long live "Jericho!" Don't let it die!




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Indycar and NASCAR thoughts

After qualifying for the 94th Indy 500 was complete it was tax cheat Helio Castroneves' race to lose. He had the pole and he was, without question, the fastest car on the track. No one could touch him. After Carb Day Friday (that's the last practice before the race) suddenly it was a two man race with Castroneves still kicking ass but Target Chip Ganassi driver Dario Franchitti very close behind/running even with Castroneves. Unless something happened to both of them during the race it was either going to be Castroneves with career win number four or Franchitti with career win number two.



Franchitti was simply unstoppable from the drop of the green flag. Castroneves put up a good fight for a little while but even he couldn't keep up. Like his Team Penske teammates Castroneves had problems in the pits, but I don't think he would have been much of a threat if those mistakes hadn't happened. For some reason, across the board, Team Penske just didn't have it anymore. Ryan Briscoe wrecked and Will Power never recovered from the fueling mistake earlier in the race. Castroneves stalled it in the pits close to the end of the race but, again, he wasn't going to pass Franchitti.



The big story of the race, besides Franchitti's dominating performance, was Tony Kanaan's drive from the last row to second place, actually challenging for the lead with twenty laps to go. If he hadn't been fucked over by fuel strategy he would have been on Franchitti's ass to the end. I don't think he would have been able to pass Franchitti, either, but he would have put on a show for the crowd. Kanaan ended up finishing eleventh, which is nothing short of amazing. Kanaan's teammate Danica Patrick, who got booed because she "blamed her team" for a bad qualifying effort, finished sixth, telling all of the naysayers to fuck off (can we please stop all of the bullshit with her? She's a damn good race car driver, she knows to save her equipment and be around at the end of the race, she doesn't fucking crash in every race, she belongs at Indy and in NASCAR). Good job, Danica. And good job Alex Lloyd with a solid 4th place. When the hell is someone going to give this guy a full time ride?



Dan Wheldon needs to catch a goddamn break soon, man. He finished second, again (he finished second last year, too) and looked good throughout the race. If only his Panther Racing team had more power and speed because Wheldon can mix it up with the Penske and Ganassi guys and make them eat it. Marco Andretti is a sniveling little douchebag that just can't stop whining. Did he deserve to finish third? Yeah, probably. You can't pass people under caution. But how much do you want to bet that his father and car owner, Michael Andretti, wouldn't have put up as big a fuss if Danica or Kanaan or Ryan Hunter Reay had been passed under caution. The protest would been muted to say the least.

And Graham Rahal just can't help himself. He had a good race, he didn't wreck like I thought he was going to (I figured he would have slammed the fourth turn wall again), and he made it to the finish in one piece (he ended up 12th). But, during the post race interview, he started complaining about Danica Patrick and how she's never called for "blocking." Competition director Brian Barnhart is responsible for that blocking shit (read this issue's "Douchebag of the Week" to see what I'm talking about) but come, Graham, stop being such a sack bag whiner. It's pathetic.

Davey Hamilton got fucked in the ass by Tomas Scheckter on the first lap of the race. I was hoping that Hamilton would get a chance to shine this Saturday at Texas, where he was set to return for the first time since a nasty wreck in 2001 almost ended his career. But because of Scheckter's stupid fucking bullshit Hamilton won't be able to race this Saturday. Good job, Tomas.

Asswipe.



Get well wishes are sent out to Mike Conway, who was involved in a horrendous crash that ended the race under caution. He slammed into Ryan Hunter Reay, who was slowing down because of fuel, launched up into the air and destroyed a part of the catch fence. Luckily Conway survived the crash but he has several injuries as a result (broken leg, severely injured back that requires wearing a back brace). He'll be out of action for at least three months. It stinks for him because he was just finding his groove on ovals and he was making headway on the road courses. It'll be interesting to see who Dreyer & Reinbold will replace him with.

Next up is Texas on Saturday, which will be fast and furious and fucking kick ass. Penske and Ganassi will be the teams to beat, as usual, but it'll be cool to see if anyone, after Indy, can pose a challenge to them. Come on, Dan Wheldon!



Over in NASCAR world, the Coca-Cola World 600 was actually a pretty decent race. Kurt Busch kicked ass from the drop of the green flag and was clearly the driver to beat. Jamie McMurray, in the Earnhardt-Ganassi Bass Pro Shops #1, put up a good fight but he wasn't going to pass Busch at the end. It would have been cool, though, to see big, fat Chip Ganassi with both big Memorial Day weekend trophies in the same day.

David Reutimann put in a great performance, finishing fifth. He won last year's rain shortened race and had to no doubt listen to the "he didn't win, it wasn't a complete race" shit. Reutimann was in contention the whole day. So, like Danica did at Indy, Reutimann told all of the naysayers to go fuck themselves. Indeed.

Fucking Montoya. When the hell is he going to catch a fucking break?

Pocono is up next for the Sprint Cup series. That race is going to be one, long ordeal (NASCAR needs to shorten that race to 300 miles). At least it will be on TNT, as the Fox part of the season is mercifully over. We won't have to put up with that "boogity-boogity-boogity" shit anymore. Larry MAC Reynolds will be there, though, and he'll keep saying "hisself," but I can deal with that. I can also deal with Wally Dallenbach telling us what it takes to win in NASCAR. It's not Darrell Waltrip, and that's all that matters.

And one more thing. Jeff Hammond really needs to get over himself. Every year he tries to insinuate that the World 600 is a bigger, more important race than the Indy 500. While NASCAR may be a bigger, more high profile group, it still doesn't compare to the legacy and overall importance of Indy. Indy still matters. It's still the biggest race in the world, the most important race in the world. People are going to remember who wins the 500. The 600 is a big race, no question (it's one of the crown jewels of NASCAR), but no one is going to remember who won the 2010 World 600 in five years. It's just another race.

There. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Again. This year. I will no doubt have to say the same thing next year.

Fucking Jeff Hammond.



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That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Don't forget to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Peter: Well guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.

Cleveland: You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency.

Quagmire: That's right, you take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a...a belt."


That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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