TV Rants and Raves 7.28.10

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 07.28.2010

Rants and Raves about football coach Jimmy Johnson on “Survivor,” Garcia on both “Criminal Minds” shows, Martin Bashir leaving “Nightline,” why I don’t watch “The Gates,” and those Hotels.com claymation commercials, plus two more Strange Thoughts, a Featured Bit on more people I’m tired of, Tom Vilsack wins a special award, and more, plus “Live Evil” is now on DVD

TV Rants and Raves Issue #55: In this issue I Rant and Rave about football coach Jimmy Johnson on "Survivor," Garcia on both "Criminal Minds" shows, Martin Bashir leaving "Nightline," why I don't watch "The Gates," and those Hotels.com claymation commercials, plus two more Strange Thoughts, a Featured Bit on more people I'm tired of, Tom Vilsack wins a special award, and more, plus "Live Evil" is now on DVD


Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that has never been attacked by a lawnmower, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.



Before I get into the main part of the column I just want to make you aware that "Live Evil," the movie I've been talking about for close to a year and reviewed here is now on DVD and available to purchase.

It's been a long time coming but "Live Evil" is finally on store shelves all over the country. If you don't have a reputable DVD seller near you (and by reputable I mean a seller that deals in damn near everything that comes out on DVD, from major studio releases to small independent movies like "Live Evil") go to the movie's website and order it from there or you can go here to amazon. You can also rent the flick from various video rental places, but you'll have to go to those places to find out if they have it.

The DVD contains the following:

- Unrated movie
- 5.1 Surround Sound
- Audio commentary with director Jay Woelfel, producer Mark Terry, and Mark Hengst ("Benedict")
- Deleted scenes
- Q & A with star Tim Thomerson and director Jay Woelfel at Fangoria LA convention
- Tim Thomerson intro from Flashback Weekend 2009
- Promo video of "Live Evil" at Fangoria Weekend of Horror 2009
- Theatrical trailer
- And more!

With all of those cool special features how could you not want to own "Live Evil"?

So go out right now (well, you can wait until after you finish reading this column) and purchase "Live Evil." You'll be glad you did.

Long live the Priest!







And now, with all of that out of the way, onto the main part of the column:


TV Rants and Raves




- Jimmy Johnson is going to be on "Survivor" this fall?: Yes, apparently, former Dallas Cowboys coach and current CBS football analyst Jimmy Johnson really is going to compete on the next edition of "Survivor," which I believe is called "Survivor: Nicaragua."

I guess the first question I have is why Jimmy Johnson? How did his name come up as a potential player in the next season? Is this something that he wanted to do, meaning he decided he wanted to do it, filled out an application, auditioned, and got picked because he was incredibly interesting? Or did someone at CBS, perhaps show producer Mark Burnett, come up with the idea on engaging in a little "stunt casting"?

I don't personally know Johnson or anything, but I have a hard time believing that this is something he came up with on his own. He just doesn't come off as the kind of guy who would willingly audition for a game show like "Survivor." I mean, playing "Survivor" isn't exactly like appearing on the celebrity version of "Jeopardy" and playing for charity. "Survivor" is 39 days, a little mover a month, out in the middle of nowhere, barely eating anything while participating in ridiculous games and trying not to get thrown out of the group. Who in his or her right mind would willingly do that, even for a million dollars?

So I'm going to say that Johnson's upcoming participation is all a big scheme by CBS and Burnett. Johnson was either told he had to do it if he wanted to keep his football gig or he was paid a considerable sum before "agreeing" to do it. And if this stunt casting works out, it gives CBS a reason to do a full on celebrity version of the show. And by "celebrity" I don't mean former "Survivor" stars, I mean celebrities from outside of "Survivor." Stephen Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Sammy Sosa, Dennis Rodman, David Faustino, people like that (although I wouldn't be surprised if the producers put Russell on just to have him play the game again).

Now, is it possible that CBS could add another celebrity to the "Nicaragua" season, sort of a one celebrity per team kind of thing? Yeah, I guess so. Having two would probably make the show more interesting. Probably. You'd think, though, that if any of the "regular" contestants know who Johnson is they'd want to vote him off as soon as possible (he's old, and what the hell does he need a million dollars for? He's fucking loaded). So how the heck is the show going to deal with that possibility? Are they going to force Johnson to shave his head or grow big, bushy beard, maybe force him to get a giant back tattoo of a goat with a machine gun so he isn't recognized?

I'm actually looking forward to the big explanation CBS is likely to give for Johnson's casting once the advertising push for the Fall begins. I can't wait to find out what the real deal is with this.

Who would you like to see as a potential celebrity contestant on "Survivor?" Do you think a guy like Tom Selleck would do it? Maybe Fran Drescher?



"Yeah, I'd do it. Heeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"





- Garcia is going to be on both "Criminal Minds" shows?: Penelope Garcia, the hot and chubby geek computer chick played by the great Kristen Vangsness, will apparently be appearing in both the original "Criminal Minds" show and the Forrest Whitaker starring spin-off, which finally has a fucking name, "Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior." She will be performing the same job on both shows for both Behavioral Analysis Units, or at least that's what the piece I read on, I believe, zap2it.com, claimed.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about this development because I love Vangness and Garcia, but wouldn't it be better if "Suspect Behavior" had its own computer analyst? I actually kind of thought that's what Janeane Garofalo would do on the show (is she still part of the cast or was that just a big rumor? I haven't seen anything one way or the other since I first heard about Garofalo possibly doing the show). And while I understand the whole "shared universe" thing, isn't having Garcia on two shows going to make the whole "shared universe" thing seem awkward?



I mean, sure, Rocky Carroll's Director Vance character appears on both "NCIS" and "NCIS: Los Angeles," but Vance is more of an occasional guest star on "NCIS: LA" while being a regular on "NCIS" (his face and name appears in the show opening). Vance isn't constantly hovering over what LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell are doing (he's too busy fucking around with Mark Harmon's Leroy Jethro Gibbs). Is that what Garcia is going to do? Is she going to do the occasional guest star thing on "Suspect Behavior" while doing the regular character bit on "Criminal Minds"?

So where does this leave Garofalo? If she does do the show will she be a field agent in Whitaker's team, sort of the Paget Brewster of the group? Or will Janeane sort of play against type and play a conservative tight ass on the show? I'm still shocked that she would even consider doing a show like a "Criminal Minds." It just seems so out of the ordinary. Perhaps that kind of casting will help make the show worth watching.



Do you think it's possible that if Garofalo does "Criminal Minds" a Patton Oswalt guest starring stint is in the offing? I think it would be pretty nifty to see the former Spence Olchin play a serial killer or a domestic terrorist or something else. But is Oswalt too cool to do a show like "Criminal Minds?"




- Martin Bashir is leaving ABC's "Nightline" for MSNBC: I don't fully understand what the deal is here. Why would Bashir, who has been kicking ass on "Nightline" for the last five years or so, want to leave a top rated show for a weekday afternoon slot on MSNBC? The piece I read on zap2it said that Bashir would also contribute to "Dateline NBC," which I assume means he'll also become a fixture on the weekends on MSNBC, hosting those documentaries that are always on every weekend.

This seems like a weird move for Bashir. Again, why leave a top rated show to go work on cable in the afternoon? It's not like he's getting a prime time slot. Who the hell watches the afternoon programming on MSNBC, besides me? And what exactly is he going to do to make what MSNBC already offers in the afternoon different in any way? Is he going to follow in Andrea Mitchell's footsteps and do a boring as fuck hour of insider bullshit?

I know what I would like to hear. I'd love to hear that Bashir is replacing Dylan Ratigan and his four o'clock show, which is actually worse than Mitchell's (and that's saying something). Will that happen, though? Probably not. MSNBC has been flooded with Ratigan commercials recently. Why produce commercials advertising a show you don't plan on airing anymore?

The guy that's replacing Bashir on "Nightline," Bill Weir, from the weekend edition of "Good Morning America," will probably do a good job. I'm not that familiar with Weir, but ABC News has a good group of news people within its organization so I'm sure Weir will do fine. I bet he costs quite a bit less that Bashir. I'm sure ABC News likes that, since it just fired a bunch of people not that long ago to "cut costs." I wonder if that's why Bashir is really leaving ABC News. Perhaps he saw the writing on the wall, knew he was going to get canned soon, and found a job as quickly as he could at a rival network. I guess that could be possible. And if that is what really happened, this MSNBC thing makes sense.

That's the only way this MSNBC makes sense.

At least he's not going to Fox News. That would just be awful.




- Why I'm not watching ABC's "The Gates": "The Gates" is the other new ABC summer show on Sunday nights, airing after the very cool "Scoundrels" at 10pm. It's about a gated community filled with rich people and vampires or something, and it stars the great, uber hot Rhona Mitra. Now, I've tried to catch all of the new summer shows on both cable and the broadcast networks this year, but I decided as soon as I heard about "The Gates" that I wasn't going to watch it. Even with Rhona Mitra in it I said, "No, I'm not going to watch this."

And why did I say that?

Because I'm tired of all of this vampire shit.

Now, before you jump all over me for saying I'm tired of vampires while promoting "Live Evil," a movie about a guy that kills vampires, well, let me explain something: if you're doing a show or a movie about people killing vampires, I'm all for it. But if it's a show about how hip and edgy and "cool" vampires are, well, fuck that. I don't give a shit about a bunch of "tortured" immortal souls sitting around whining about awful their lives are. "Oh, no, I'm so depressed and deeply emotional and I don't like drinking blood but I have to because I need it to survive."

Go fuck yourself you bunch of pseudo emo pricks.

And I really don't give a shit about a bunch of blood sucking "creatures of the night" doing "clever" things in order to survive. Please excuse me for not giving a fuck.

Now, is it possible that "The Gates" isn't about any of that "usual" vampire stuff and that it's a really good drama that just has vampires in it? Yeah, I guess that's possible. But is that really the show ABC advertised "The Gates" as? No, it was advertised as a cross between "Twilight" and that "True Blood" show on HBO (I've seen one episode of that show and it's not bad. That's like the exception to my own rules). I just have no interest in that kind of show.

I really can't wait for this vampire shit to end. I know it'll never end, that it will just disappear for a little while and then come back a few years down the road, but it sure will be great when those blood sucking motherfuckers go back into the dark.

I think it would be cool, though, if someone wanted to make a show out of the vampire movie "Daybreakers." I'd watch a show about that stuff.


And finally,



- Am I the only one annoyed by the guy with the beard in the claymation Hotels.com commercials?: You've no doubt seen the commercials for Hotels.com, featuring the brown haired guy with the triangle beard (I mean, really, I don't know how you could possibly avoid them. They're on every fucking channel). He's the guy the other claymation characters come to to get advice about finding a cheap hotel. And while he may serve a vital function in that claymation world, I pray every day that someone kills him.

Because I can't fucking stand him.

From the beard to the hair to the dumb ass douchebag expression on his face, the Smart Guy (I believe that's his name) needs to go down and go down hard. He needs to be murdered by someone or run over by a car or a truck or a tank. I'd love to find out that he went to the zoo with his girlfriend or one of his buddies and got attacked by a lion or trampled by a runaway elephant. Or tossed into the polar bear enclosure and torn apart. That would be goddamn cool.

I mean, who the fuck is this Smart Guy anyway? Where did he come from? And why is he the only person that seems to know about Hotels.com? Is he the only person aware of the internet and what it has to offer?

Maybe I'd be less hostile towards him if he lost the beard and got some glasses. Maybe then he'd look like less of a fucking douchebag.

My God, I think I take TV commercials way too seriously.





***
And now, a shameless plug for TLC



I don't have much interest in beauty pageants of any kind, but there are people out there who live and die by these things. "Toddlers and Tiaras" is a documentary series that airs on Wednesday nights at 10pm on TLC and it's all about beauty pageants for little girls. The contestants, though, are not the most interesting people involved in all of this nonsense. The wacko parents (and I say wacko with affection) are the real stars. They really live for this stuff.

Here's a preview of what to expect:



***

Strange Thoughts

Once again I have two Strange Thoughts for you to read, ponder, and hopefully be entertained by. Most of these come to me while I'm at my soul killing day job (what better place to day dream, right?). Enjoy.





- One of the big questions in the ongoing Mel Gibson saga is will he be able to recover his reputation after apparently smacking his girlfriend around? I think he'll be able to survive that. For some reason, as bad as beating a woman is, I don't think that's Mel's biggest problem. Those tapes of him yelling at his girlfriend and using racist language are his biggest hurdles to overcome. How the hell is he going to do it?

He could go ahead and make another "Lethal Weapon" movie. That might soften the blow to a certain degree (the world is always interested in another Martin Riggs/Roger Murtaugh adventure, even if it isn't aware of that interest quite yet. You can bet your ass that as soon as the world sees the trailer for a part 5 everyone will get excited that the "guys" are coming back). But "Lethal Weapon 5" isn't going to fix everything. Mel is going to have to do something else to fix the rest.

I think Mel is going to have to do a movie where he plays a gay Jew in search of love. He's going to have to engage in "homosexual behavior" like tongue kissing a man on camera. And while the audience may laugh at the sight of Mel getting banged by a dude Mel can't be in on the joke. He has to take it all very seriously.

And when we're all done laughing at how weird a gay Mel Gibson is, maybe then we'll be able to really forgive him.

Maybe. Or we'll ask for a sequel. And Mel won't have a choice but to do one.

Good going, Mel.




- Isn't it about time Bill Murray played a serial killer in a movie? I think it is. Murray is best known for his comedic roles in movies like "Caddyshack," "Ghostbusters," and "What About Bob?" but he hasn't made a movie like that in years. Besides his hilarious cameo in "Zombieland," Murray has pretty much been a quirky dramatic actor for the last while (well, maybe dramatic actor is a little too strong. Quirky actor is probably more appropriate). He was even nominated for a Best Actor Oscar for "Lost in Translation" (they normally don't give out Oscar nods to actors in comedies). He didn't win that Oscar, though. I bet if he played a serial killer in something "classy," I bet he'd win a big ass award of some kind.

Or perhaps David Cronenberg needs to make a movie about a sadistic mob hitman and have Murray as the hitman (sorry, Viggo). Have Murray be "chilling" in the role. And watch the accolades roll in. General audiences may not like it, but who gives a shit what those people thing? They don't decide what "art" is anyway. The awards people do. So Murray, I think, needs to do this so he can win a trophy.

And isn't that what's most important? Of course it is.

Bill Murray also needs to do a sequel to "Quick Change," but one thing at a time.




***

The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.




***

And now, Dr. Phil.



"I think I'm losing my mind. I want to fuck Judge Judy. Yes, that's what I said, I want to fuck Judge Judy.

I've had this feeling for a few days now. I was watching her show because Robin wouldn't hurry the fuck up in the bathroom and I really didn't feel like searching through the Cinemax "After Dark On Demand" offerings (we had reservations for six and it was 5:30 and she was still putting her makeup on. What the fuck ever, Robin. Just make sure your crotch doesn't smell and everything will be okay). So there I was, watching this mean-spirited prick of a woman scream at this poor black woman and suddenly I got a little wood. And then I got more and more wood. I was pitching a full on tent within about two minutes.

The judge kept yelling and yelling at this woman and, I shit you not, my ass started to quiver. I was so fucking aroused that I burst into the bathroom and fucked my wife right on the sink. And then while sitting on the toilet. And then up against the glass door in the shower. And I fucked her and I fucked her and I fucked her, hearing again and again that shrill prick of a woman Judge Judy's voice in my head 'You're stupid!' 'Don't be stupid!' 'Shut up!' 'Shut up! 'Shut up!'

So now I think I have to find out where the Judge's show is taped (I'll ask Oprah. She'll know. She always knows that kind of shit) and ask Judy if I can see what's under that robe. I bet she's got great tits."


Um, dude, that's just... dude, Judge Judy is an awful, awful person. Plus, she's like a thousand years old. Do you really want to have sex with her that bad?



"You're fucking A right I do. I want to fuck Judge Judy until my dick hurts. I want to take this hand, cup her breasts, cup her ass, which you know has got to be firm and perfect. I want to do so much to that fucking old Judge bitch. I bet she likes it up the ass, too. I'll flip that robe up and..."

Jesus Christ, Phil. You need help. Serious fucking help. Judge Judy? Really?

I'm sorry, I think I'm going to go throw up.

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. Tobe Hooper's "Toolbox Murders" was on there last week. Is it still there?Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.



If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

***

Featured Bit: Even more people I'm tired of

The following bit is a list of people in pop culture I'm tried of. The people on the list do not appear in any particular order of importance. I'm just goddamn sick of these people. Are you tired of them, too?



- Geraldo: You know, I used to like Geraldo. When he had his daytime talk show he was great because he treated every show subject seriously even when the topic was ridiculous or kind of seedy (like the two woman hooker team that went on TV and admitted to robbing johns because it was fun or that guy that always came on the show dressed like Hitler and considered Geraldo a "friend"). And when he did his political/tabloid shows on cable he usually put on a good show. His coverage of the O.J. case and the JonBenet Ramsey cases are legendary. But ever since he took a job at Fox News, Geraldo has been, well, very unGeraldo.

He's become more of an apologist for right wing scumbags like fellow Fox employees like Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck (he even went to a Yankees game with them). He's gone on television and said again and again that Fox News isn't biased towards Republicans and right wing conservatives. And he hasn't put up much of a public fight to get his own nightly show to do both tabloid news stories and political stories, like he used to do on CNBC. Instead Geraldo has been happy with that crappy weekend show "Geraldo at Large."

What the hell, man? Why doesn't Geraldo have a more prominent role on the network?

I'm really tired of asking this question. If Geraldo is happy with his current role at Fox, as a weekend lame ass (for Christ's sake Mike Huckabee has a more prominent role on the network, Mike fucking Huckabee) I guess there's no way to convince him to do something else. And since he likes hanging out with Bill and Glenn, well, Jerry can go fuck himself. When he decides to go back to being the real Geraldo maybe I'll start giving a shit again.

Fucking asshole. What the hell, man?





- Lady Gaga: Lady Gaga is a talented singer and musician, there's no question about that. But I think it's about time the whole "weird clothes/performance artist" thing ends because now it's just fucking stupid.

Oh, it's always been fucking stupid, but it's also been kind of brilliant from a marketing perspective. Wearing garbage cans for dresses and giant heels got people to look at her and she managed to create a brand for herself that people who don't even like her music recognize. But that side of her has run its course. Now the whole insect net nightgown thing is just ridiculous bullshit.

Who the hell is this shit supposed to impress? And does Lady Gaga expect me to believe that any of her weird clothing means something? What artistic statement is she making? Is she even making a statement?

Is she going to be doing this shit when she's fifty and performing at State Fairs? I find that hard to believe. I think it's time to put the garbage bag hats away and do something else.





- Leonardo DiCaprio: DiCaprio is on top of the world right now. His last two movies have been major box office hits ("Inception," which I haven't seen, is still raking in the cash) and he's still, I guess, "relevant" to a lot of people both in Hollywood and outside of Hollywood. He really hasn't had that major flop that destroys his career, at least not yet. I, for one, can't wait for the day that he does have that major flop so he can he just go away. Because that's what I want Leo to do. I just want him to go away.

I don't think he's much of an actor. I don't think he has much in the way of screen presence and he never appears "natural" on screen. You always know that he's acting. I find it hard to watch him. But if Leo went away, perhaps to Europe to bang supermodels or something, I wouldn't have to be subjected to his pretentious newspaper interviews and his incessant need to do movies that he thinks are important and special.

Maybe Leo needs to do a comedy, a teen sex comedy type thing (he can pass for an older teen). Or perhaps he needs to do a full on horror movie, or a Michael Bay type action movie, something big and stupid that's so out of the ordinary for him. Maybe then he'd come off as less a pretentious, self important douchebag. Maybe then he could just be an actor doing a job.

Yeah, I think that's what Leo needs to do. He needs to just be an actor. And lighten the fuck up. Jesus.





- Bristol Palin: Bristol Palin is a single mother just trying to get through life. She's out on her own, living in an apartment somewhere. She's got a job, she's going to college (I think she is. I'm not too sure about that and I'm way too lazy to go find out). And she's caring for that kid of hers, the one she made with Levi Johnston, Kathy Griffin's former boyfriend. And now she's back with Levi and she's going to start a "proper" family with him and get married, etc.

Why do I know this stuff? Because it's on my fucking TV all of the time. It's also in the newspapers (and I'm not talking about the tabloid scandal sheets here. I'm talking about actual newspapers). It is fucking everywhere. Why?

Well, she is the daughter of the former Governor of Alaska, Sarah Barracuda. I guess that's the reason. But do people really find this woman that fascinating (Bristol, I mean, I already know that far too many people find Sarah Palin fascinating)?

And what's the deal with all of this abstinence bullshit? Is she showing off her child as a warning to young people (if you have sex out of wedlock this could happen to you?)? Why isn't anyone else pointing this out?




- Jillian Michaels: Jillian Michaels is a bully. She goes on TV, makes fun of fat people, and we're all supposed to shit our pants at her concern for America's youth. Because she used to be a "fat kid" and she knows what it's like to be ridiculed by people. She went out and got "thin" and now, as she claims via her terrible shows "The Biggest Loser" and that fucking piece of shit "Losing it with Jillian," you can to if you just stop being lazy.

Because that's what you are. You're lazy and lame and you don't know any better. You're going to get diabetes if you don't listen to her and "make yourself better." Because she used to be a fat kid and she knows what it's like to be ridiculed.

You want to know what Jillian did with her life? She became one of those people that makes fun of fat people. Oh, I know, she gives fat people self worth because she gets them to lose weight so they can wear hip hugging jeans and get checked out at the supermarket by people who would normally make fun of them. Where is the self examination for those fucking people?

Oh, I forgot, they don't have diabetes. And they don't like to eat Snickers. And they wear hip hugging jeans. They're important.

Go fuck yourself, Jillian. Eat a cheeseburger.


***

The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week






This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to current Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, for firing underling Shirley Sherrod for "racist" comments she never made. Vilsack, the former governor of Iowa who actually ran for President for about three weeks in 2008, never even bothered to ask Sherrod to explain herself. Vilsack saw the video clip where she didn't say anything racist, or he heard about it from an assistant, and immediately decided to fire her. What the fuck, man? Vilsack didn't even research where the "damning clip" came from. He just went ahead and fired her.

Good job, Tom. It's good to know that you won't panic in the face of bullshit and make a rash decision that makes no sense. Because if it's on the internets you know it's got to be true and real and above board.

How fucking stupid can people be?





And then there's Andrew Breitbart, the right wing scumbag that created the offending Sherrod clip. It's not Breitbart's fault that so many fucking people bought into his bullshit claim about Sherrod but that doesn't absolve him from responsibility for making the clip in the first place. Why did he feel it was necessary to make Sherrod look like a racist? Because he had a score to settle with the NAACP, the "true racists" according to Breitbart?

How pathetic.




And finally there's Brian Barnhart, Indycar series race director, for his bullshit blocking call on tax cheat Helio Castroneves at the end of the street race at Edmonton, taking the race win away from the Team Penske driver and giving it to second place driver Scott Dixon. Castroneves went ballistic after the race, screaming at several officials and demanding Barnhart explain his call, and for good reason. Barnhart stole the race win from him. Castroneves didn't block his teammate Will Power. He didn't change his line on the track. He didn't run Power up to the wall. But Barnhart didn't see it that way.

This isn't the first time Barnhart has fucked an Indycar driver over via bullshit blocking calls, and as long as he's allowed to remain at the head of race control it won't be the last. Indycar president Randy Bernard needs to transfer Barnhart to some other position within the series or get rid of him completely. The man is a fucking menace.

And what the fuck is blocking anyway? I've never understood what that means.




***

And now, your weekly "Jericho" update


Okay, so the rumors that CBS would have something to announce at the San Diego Comicon regarding "Jericho" were just that, rumors. CBS didn't announce a damn thing. And there were no announcements regarding the release of the fourth issue of the comic book.

So where does that leave us? What the heck is going on with "Jericho"?

I'm not really sure. Maybe CBS wasn't ready to announce anything. Or maybe CBS never had any intention of announcing anything and that it was all an internets generated rumor.

We'll just have to keep our eyes and our ears open and keep the faith that something good is coming.

Keep checking out http://www.savingjericho.com and http://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff (the ongoing Epix story, Comic Con, etc.). And keep an eye on http://www.devilsdue.net/, the online home of Devil's Due Publishing, for information regarding future issues of the comic book and everything else Devil's Due puts out (Go here to find a local comic book shop near you if you haven't done so already. It's always good to know where your local comic book shop is regardless).

And go here to buy the entire "Jericho" series in one DVD collection. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

Long live "Jericho"! Don't let it die!



***

NASCAR and Indycar thoughts



Well, the 17th running of the Brickyard 400 is over and car owner Chip Ganassi was the big winner as his driver Jamie McMurray won the big race, giving Ganassi a "triple crown" for 2010. McMurray won the season opening Daytona 500, his Indycar driver Dario Franchitti won the Indy 500, and McMurray won the Brickyard 400. That's never been done before, and until Roger Penske's NASCAR teams figure out how not to suck at Indy it will probably never happen again. That's pretty amazing.

Juan Pablo Montoya, man. When the fuck is he going to catch a goddamn break? I keep asking this question, and with the way he's been running I'm probably going to end up asking it every week for the rest of the season. His crew chief made the wrong call at the end of the race (he should have went with two tires instead of four during the final pit stop) and Montoya ended up in the wall trying to make up time on the track, a rather pointless endeavor since it's basically impossible to pass at Indy in a stock car. That's two years in a row that Montoya dominated the race at Indy only to have it not work out in the end. Maybe at Pocono this Sunday things will work out for him. Montoya usually does well at Pocono.

It was damn cool to see Jimmie Johnson have trouble all race long. It was also damn cool to hear crew chief Chad Knaus dejected and disappointed after the mishap in the pits that caused the #48 team to lose a lap. I'm shocked, though, that NASCAR didn't try to find a way during the race to get Johnson back into the game the front. They let him exit the pits illegally earlier in the race (how much do you want to bet that if any other team did that they would have been black flagged or penalized).

I think NASCAR needs to find a way to make the race at Indy a tad more competitive. The sanctioning body doesn't have a problem messing around with the car's aero package for other races, so why not do something for Indy? The cars get spread out too quickly and it becomes incredibly difficult to pass. What the heck did Joey Logano have in his car set up? He was the only guy, besides maybe Greg Biffle, who could pass with regularity.



The grandstands were pretty empty on spots at Indy. That's not good.

Again, Pocono is up next. Will Denny Hamlin get another win there?




Over in Indycar and its race at the awful Edmonton street course, Scott Dixon had his second win of the season handed to him by race director Brian Barnhart (see the Douchebag of the Week section for more on that). I was shocked that Will Power didn't just walk away with the race as he was clearly the car to beat the whole day. There are two more races in the "Mario Andretti Road Course Championship" and it looks like Power will walk away with that. I just don't see him failing at the next race, at Mid-Ohio, or at Infineon after that.



There have been rumors that Edmonton will not be on the 2011 schedule because the race promoters are in debt. I wouldn't mind seeing Edmonton go away because the track is terrible and the racing just sucks there. But then there's talk that the Edmonton race would be replaced with a race in Montreal, at Circuit Gilles Villeneuve. I'm guessing that if that happens the NASCAR Nationwide Series race there would disappear because the track only has two races a year or something (I have no idea if that's true. It's just something I heard). Aren't there are other options for the Indycars in Canada?

The next race for the Indycar Series is in two weeks, at Mid-Ohio. Graham Rahal should be back for that race. If he is, the announcing crew on Versus will talk about it incessantly since Rahal is from Ohio.

Yeah, I can't wait for that.

***

That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Don't forget to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"(Stewie covering up the dead body of Mr. Lockhart by hiding in his blood-covered suit as a police officer drives up.)

Officer: Everything alright here?

Stewie: Oh fine officer, just enjoying the sunset. No law against that, is there?

Officer: What happened to your shirt?

Stewie: Oh you know, just a pizza party at the office.

Officer: Oh yeah, where do you work?

Stewie: First Fidelity Insurance over on Weybossett Street.

Officer: Oh my cousin Arnie works over there.

Stewie: Oh Arnie's your cousin is he?

Officer: You know him?

Stewie: Oh somewhat, good middle management type. Just sort of blends in with the furniture, though, never really wowed anyone at the office.

Officer: Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem. Well, take it easy.

Stewie: Yes yes, you too. Oh and if you see Arnie, tell him 'boogity boogity boo.' He'll know what it means."

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

***

Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

***










***



***