TV Rants and Raves 08.11.10: Family Guy Spectacular

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 08.11.2010

It’s an all “Family Guy” themed TV Rants and Raves with Rants and Raves about a potential Peter and Lois sex tape, a half hour Peter vs. Chicken fight, the awesomeness of Ollie Williams, Carl the convenience store clerk, the return of the Fat Guy Strangler, and the “Road to…” episodes featuring Brian and Stewie, plus two more Complete Lies, a Featured Bit on who should play who in a live-action “Family Guy” movie, and more!

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that has never been attacked by a cat carrying a baseball bat, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Not that long ago I did a TV Rants and Raves that was just about completely devoted to the great prime time cartoon "Family Guy." It was the first time I ever did a "themed" column and it worked out pretty well. And because I find myself in the same position again (I'm writing this column a few days ahead of time because, well, I need to) I've decided to plow that field again and do another just about all "Family Guy" TV Rants and Raves. Hope you all enjoy it.

Even you "Family Guy" non-fans out there.



And now, onto the main part of the column:


TV Rants and Raves



- Do you think Peter and Lois have ever made a sex tape?: Considering how open sexually they are I'd imagine that they've made a sex tape, probably more than one. Think about what they're into. They're into straight up "regular" sex. They're into S&M (Peter loves getting his ass kicked by Lois). And they also engage in role play (remember when Lois dressed up as the McDonald's advertising character Grimace? She thought she was playing the Hamburgler, which Peter corrected her on. What the hell was that sex session going to be like? Do you think Peter ever dressed up as Ronald McDonald?). So there's got to be a sex tape or two around somewhere.

So, if they do have a sex tape, where is it hidden? Is it in their closet? Do they have it in a safe, or perhaps a safety deposit box at the bank? No one has found it yet. Neither Brian or Stewie have stumbled upon it. Chris hasn't found one (well, he hasn't admitted to finding one. Knowing how he thinks his mother is hot I wouldn't be surprised to find out he's watched it and whanked off to it). And the Evil Monkey hasn't found it, either (he hasn't admitted to anything, either. Can you trust an evil monkey?). So where the heck is it?

Do you think Quagmire has tried to film Peter and Lois having sex? I think he has. He obviously hasn't been successful at it since he hasn't made any off the cuff remarks about it or Lois' naked body. If Quagmire actually got great/good footage of his best friend and his wife banging away he probably wouldn't stop watching it and everyone on Spooner Street would know about it. And as long as he got great shots of Lois Quagmire wouldn't mind looking at Peter's big, fat ass, either. It would just be something he'd have to deal with.

Wouldn't it be funny if, during a garage sale, Stewie and or Brian ended up accidentally selling one or all of the sex tapes? Why the hell hasn't that been an episode yet?




- We need a full episode length Peter vs. Chicken fight: One of the best reoccurring gags on the show are the fights between Peter and Ernie the chicken. It all started with the Y2K episode and has happened two other times. Each fight has been bigger, more elaborate than the previous one. It's been a while since the show did one (Ernie has appeared a few times, most recently in the second "Star Wars" episode as Boba Fett, but he hasn't fought Peter since 2007). I think it's time for the show to do another one.

But it can't be just a bigger fight than the last one. This next fight needs to be so big and so elaborate that it takes up the entire episode. There should be no commercial breaks in this episode (Fox can find a sponsor to host the entire half hour episode, like an upcoming movie or some energy drink). The episode should start out like any other episode. Maybe Peter is at home watching TV and Lois is getting back from grocery shopping. Peter goes out to help get the rest of the grocery bags and while he's out there, perhaps talking to Joe for some reason, Ernie appears and the fight begins.

Peter and Ernie fight down Spooner street, smash through some houses and cars, destroying a lemonade stand in the process. They eventually find themselves at the mall where they destroy even more stuff. And Peter and Ernie keep fighting and fighting and fighting. Perhaps there are a few "cut away" scenes, like Quahog trying to have sex in a hotel only to be interrupted by the fight. And it just goes on and on, maybe ending up on a passenger jet. And Peter and Ernie fight on there and end up in Stoolbend, Virginia, where Cleveland and Tim the bear get in on the action. Cleveland can tag team with Peter and Tim can team up with Ernie. And after that segment of the fight (it ends with Tim and Cleveland having their own giant fight that we leave so Peter and Ernie can get on a train or another plane back to Quahog. "The Cleveland Show" can start after "Family Guy" at 9:30pm that night so the fight between Cleveland and Tim can continue. Clever, no?) the main fight can end in Quahog.

And when it ends in Quahog, with Peter missing an arm or a hand (he has to be missing something at this point), Peter finally vanquishes Ernie with one of the longest death scenes in prime time animated comedy history. Think of the goofy comedy that would be involved in watching Peter cut Ernie up with a chainsaw, smash his head in with a hammer, set his remains on fire, and then perhaps Peter could bury Ernie's charred remains in cement. It would be elaborate and gory and hilarious ('Family Guy" has done incredibly long gags before. Think of the "hurt shin" scenes).

The final sequence before the credits would be Peter back at home, bleeding all over the place, trying to bring the rest of the groceries in. And Lois would freak out because Peter is missing an arm and bleeding, but Peter would be happy because "It's over. It's finally over."

Of course, nothing would be over. After the credits, there could be a scene, just like in a horror movie, where we see a hole in the cement and chicken foot tracks walking away from the hole. Ernie is still alive? There wouldn't be that "Dun! Duun!" musical jolt, though. It would just be a kind of eerie scene acknowledging that the fight isn't over.

Well, that's what I think should happen in a full episode Peter/Chicken fight. It'll probably never happen, though. It's just too weird. How can you put that episode into syndication? Maybe a DVD exclusive?




- Ollie Williams is awesome: Ollie Williams, the weatherman on Channel 5, is one of the funniest bit characters on the show. We never see him for more than a few seconds, but those few seconds, where he yells something as part of the channel's "Blackuweather Forecast" are simply awesome. I don't think I've ever not laughed at an Ollie Williams gag. I know I'm not the only one who likes Ollie. And I hope I'm not the only one hoping that the show gives Ollie at least one longer form story, perhaps an upcoming episode's "B" story.

But what the hell would an Ollie Williams story be about? Should Ollie be a secret agent in his spare time, or should the story be about one of his hobbies/passions. Is he a PETA protestor? Having Ollie throw red paint on a rich woman with a fur coat while yelling "Meat is Murder!" would be funny.

Or how about this? The show has done several episodes featuring multiple stories (think of the "Stephen King" episode). Have Ollie star in one of those multiple story episodes. An Ollie Williams "spy" story would work in that setting. And having Ollie play "Dirty Harry" in a parody of that classic movie would work, too. Think of Ollie yelling out the "Do you feel lucky, punk?" bit.

It needs to happen at some point. Ollie Williams deserves it.




- If Carl the convenience store guy died would anyone care?: I've never liked Carl the convenience store guy. He's a one note character with a one note gimmick that isn't all that funny (he's certainly no Ollie Williams, that's for sure). And yet he's appeared in multiple episodes including the second "Star Wars" episode, as fucking Yoda. Yoda! What kind of shit is that?

So what would happen if someone killed him? Or if he died in an explosion, like one of the gas pumps at the convenience store springs a leak, and Brian (what the hell does Brian see in hanging around Carl? Is Carl Brian's pot connection or something?) accidentally throws a still lit cigarette on the ground near the leak? I think that would be pretty cool.

What the hell ever happened to Mort? We hardly see him anymore. It looked like he might end up the new member of Peter's group (he was in the bar with Peter quite a bit last season) but he really didn't do anything besides that. He didn't get involved in any shenanigans. You'd think the show would do more jokes with him since he runs a pharmacy. Think of all of the fun everyone could have stealing prescription medicine from the back room of the pharmacy.

Aha! That's how it could happen! Carl and Chris decide to do something dangerous, they break into Goldman's Pharmacy, get high on some valium, and Joe Swanson shows up (Carl and Chris trip the silent alarm) and Joe shoots Carl right in the fucking head. I'd watch that. And then Chris can work off what he owes Mort for the damage he caused and Chris can hook up with Mort's hot niece or something.

Of course, a criminal could just show up at the convenience store and stab him in the neck when he doesn't open the safe fast enough. That could work.




- The Fat Guy Strangler needs to make a comeback: The "Fat Guy Strangler" episode is one of my favorites. The bit where we find out that Lois' mother had an affair with Jackie Gleason and seeing Gleason almost naked is what caused Lois' brother Patrick to go insane is funnier than hell ("Pow! Right in the kisser!"). Patrick went back to the mental institution at the end of the episode to "get help." And that's the last we heard from him.

I think it's high time the Fat Guy Strangler makes a comeback. But the Strangler wouldn't be Patrick again. Next time, it would be Seth Rogen.

Think about it. Rogen is known as a chubby, schlubby actor. That's his shtick. But he recently slimmed down to get in shape to play the Green Hornet. So why not have him be the new Fat Guy Strangler? And why not have him play a self righteous version of himself, someone who gets in the face of fat people and tells them they're all lazy? I bet he could have a great argument with Peter over what it means to be fat (remember, Peter is the President and founder of the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People, so he certainly knows a thing or two about how great it is to be fat. He wouldn't have established the NAAFP if he didn't).

And Rogen has appeared on the show at least once, despite what imdb.com claims. He voiced himself in a throwaway gag that was funny because it was Rogen doing the voice. So "Family Guy" isn't something foreign to him. I think this could work.





- Do you think Tom Tucker has other kids around the country?: We know that Tom Tucker, the intrepid lead male anchor for Quahog's Channel 5, enjoys having sex with as many different women as possible (well, that's how it seems. We know he likes hookers, at least). It's probably why he got a divorce. We also know that he's got one kid, Jake (the kid with the upside down face), from his first marriage.

Now, the reason I bring this up is that with the amount of sex Tom has had over the years he's probably unknowingly impregnated several women, and some of those women probably went through with the pregnancy. So there's got to be a bunch of little Tom Tuckers running around, right? If that's the case, how many of them have upside down faces like Jake? All of them?

Or was that something that Jake's mother's side of the family carried in their genes?

I mean, a kid with an upside down face, that's got to be pretty rare, doesn't it? You'd think someone would want to do a documentary reality show about them. Tom probably wouldn't allow a show about Jake but the other kids would be fair game.

And think about this. Since local news anchors tend to move from market to market Tom has probably been all over the country. He's probably got kids on both coasts, in the south, the Midwest. Man, that's potentially a lot of upside down faced kids.

Someone needs to look into this. It could prove to be quite fascinating.


And finally,



- Where should Brian and Stewie go on their next "Road to" episode?: We've seen Brian and Stewie travel down south, to the Middle East and Europe, to Colorado, to Germany during WWII, and we've seen them travel through various dimensions. Where should they go next?

I don't know. I didn't really care for the "Road to Germany" episode, so I don't want to see them travel back in time again, unless it's for something really stupid, like traveling back in time to get a super secret milkshake recipe from some guy. The "other dimensions" thing was funny but they can't do that again. Maybe they could travel to another foreign country for some reason. Maybe Brian's novel gets purchased by a foreign movie company that wants to make it into an actual movie, and Brian takes Stewie with him. Maybe they go to South America or Japan for it? Or would that be stupid?

Maybe they need to go into business together. The story could be called "The Road to Future Riches" or something like that. That would be something different.

Where would you like to see Brian and Stewie go? Should they go anywhere?


***
And now, a shameless plug for TLC



Do you like to watch documentary reality shows about big, beefy guys building motorcycles? If you do you are probably a fan of the now defunct "American Chopper" show. Well, TLC has a sort of sequel to that show, pitting the two main builders at Orange County Choppers, Senior and Junior, against one another, and it's called "American Chopper: Senior vs, Junior" (naturally). Here's a preview of the show which is set to air Thursday nights at 9pm:




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Complete Lies

Once again, I engage in deliberate lying for your reading/entertainment pleasure. The following two things are not true. At all. There is no reason to believe anything here because I've made it all up. You have been warned. Enjoy.





- A "Simpson's"/"Family Guy" cross-over is coming soon, according to sources within Fox. The planned meeting of the network's two mega successful prime time cartoons is expected to happen in time for the start of the 2011-2012 TV season, presumably during the all important November sweeps period, although an exact timetable has not been released.


Calls to the offices of both Matt Groening, creator of the two decades old "Simpsons" franchise, and "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane were not returned, but sources indicate that the cross-over will involve "Simpsons" characters Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson, and Moe Szyslak taking a trip to Quahog, Rhode Island, the setting of "Family Guy," to check out the Pawtucket Pat brewery.


"Moe starts serving Pawtucket Pats at his bar, and Homer ends up liking them more than Duff, so they take a road trip to Quahog to check the place out. Bart ends up going as a favor to his mother Marge, sort of to keep an eye on Homer, which sounds ridiculous but there's going to be a very good reason for it in the context of the story," the source claims.


"Once Homer, Bart, and Moe get to Quahog and the brewery they meet Peter Griffin, and that's when the story gets really funny."


Expect to see a fight between Homer and Peter, Bart being chased by Quahog pervert Herbert, and a sequence where both the Simpson family and the Griffin family meet up. We should also "Expect to see an eating contest between Homer and Peter, along with a funny discussion about atheism between Lisa and Brian. And Stewie is definitely going to have a part in all of this."


As for Moe's role, "Don't be surprised if he ends up trying to blow up the Pawtucket Pat brewery as an agent of Duff Beer. Although that's just speculation at this point."


An official announcement about this potentially monumental animated crossover is expected soon.



- Actor Gary Busey recently announced on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" that he plans on performing a "major stunt for charity" this fall. Similar to Busey's recent "leg" stunt on "Geraldo at Large," Busey hopes to use "The Tonight Show" stunt as a kind of telethon to raise money for the Uber Kids Charity in Los Angeles.

So what is the "major stunt" that Busey plans on performing?

"I'm going to jump from an elevated scaffolding into a pool of marshmallow. And the more the telethon makes the higher the scaffolding will go. If you want to see me jump into a pool of marshmallow from 200 feet in the air, give, give, give."

The exact date of the "jump" hasn't been worked out yet, but sources indicate that the stunt will likely happen on a Thursday night. "That's NBC's biggest night of the week, so that's the night that would make the most sense. But it could happen on a Tuesday night, too. It all depends on what NBC needs schedule wise."

"My leg has healed up nicely and I'm ready to do this for the kids. That's what's most important. The kids," Busey said.

***

The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.



***

And now, Dr. Phil.





"You know who else I want to fuck on 'Family Guy?' Diane Simmons, that bitch that does the news with the awesome Tom Tucker. She's not that pretty or anything (she's no Lois Griffin, that's for sure. She's no Bonnie Swanson, either. Man, I'd fuck that bitch in the ass so hard that I'd make sure my dick fell off). But Diane is an admitted nasty, nasty bitch. I mean, she's willing to hire male hookers and have them show up at work like it's no big deal. Fucking hookers at work is risky enough when a dude does it, but a bitch? Man, that's fucking awesome. And she has no problem banging a fat dude as long as his cock is huge. Well, I'm a sort of fat dude and I have a huge cock. A gigantic cock. A massive cock. So I'd be perfect for Diane, and Diane would be perfect for me.

I bet she'd grab my cock with both hands and shove it into her own mouth. I wouldn't even have to force the issue. She'd just put it in there and go to town. Man, that would be awesome. And I bet she'd let me work a dildo into her while sitting under the anchor desk. I've always wanted to do something like that. Or I'd use my index and middle finger. I bet she'd love that.

And I could probably get some side action on that situation from the chick that Tom has under the desk sucking him off. We'll have to figure out how to deal with the noise, maybe soundproof the underside of the desk."

Jesus, Phil. That's just... Jesus.

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. "Dead Above Ground," from Stephen J. Cannell, was on there last week. Is it still there?Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.



If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

***

"Live Evil" is now on DVD!



"Live Evil," the movie I've been talking about for close to a year and reviewed here is now on DVD and available to purchase.

It's been a long time coming but "Live Evil" is finally on store shelves all over the country. If you don't have a reputable DVD seller near you (and by reputable I mean a seller that deals in damn near everything that comes out on DVD, from major studio releases to small independent movies like "Live Evil") go to the movie's website and order it from there or you can go here to amazon. You can also rent the flick from various video rental places, but you'll have to go to those places to find out if they have it.

The DVD contains the following:

- Unrated movie
- 5.1 Surround Sound
- Audio commentary with director Jay Woelfel, producer Mark Terry, and Mark Hengst ("Benedict")
- Deleted scenes
- Q & A with star Tim Thomerson and director Jay Woelfel at Fangoria LA convention
- Tim Thomerson intro from Flashback Weekend 2009
- Promo video of "Live Evil" at Fangoria Weekend of Horror 2009
- Theatrical trailer
- And more!

With all of those cool special features how could you not want to own "Live Evil"?
So go out right now (well, you can wait until after you finish reading this column) and purchase "Live Evil." You'll be glad you did.

Long live the Priest!




***

Featured Bit: Who should play who in a live-action "Family Guy" movie

Whenever a cartoon is a big hit, be it a Saturday morning kids cartoon or a prime time cartoon, people start talking about what a live-action version of that show might look like. "Family Guy" is a big hit, and there's been talk of a live action version of the show for years now from show creator Seth MacFarlane (it comes up every now and then). But that's all there's been. Talk. As far as I know no one has suggested a potential cast or story.

Until now.

The following is a list of who I think should play who in a live-action "Family Guy" movie. This isn't an extensive list. I haven't "dream" casted the entire "Family Guy" universe (that list would likely take up an entire column). But I have cast what would likely be the main characters in the story (the Griffin family, Quagmire, Joe Swanson) and a few secondary characters. So, without further ado, here is my list of who should play who in a live-action "Family Guy" movie.


- Peter Griffin- Will Sasso





Will Sasso is probably best known for his work on the now cancelled "Mad TV" (well, that's where I know him from anyway). He can do voices and play weird characters, and Peter is about as weird as you can get. And since Sasso is a big guy in real life anyway he shouldn't need much in the way of a fat suit to play Peter. He's going to have to wear something, though, to get the girth right. The girth is important. And Sasso has already done a few "Family Guy' episodes, so he's familiar with the show. That's important, too.



- Lois Griffin- Fran Drescher





Fran Drescher is a gifted comedic actor who has never really been given her due. She can be wacky and she can be the straight man if necessary. And that's what a Lois Griffin needs to be, both wacky and serious at the same time. She also needs to be incredibly sexy. Drescher used to look great in a short skirt, so she has it in her to be incredibly sexy (that isn't to say she isn't sexy now as an older, somewhat thicker woman). She'll have to work out a bit to get into "Lois Griffin" shape, but it'll definitely be worth it. Drescher also sort of sounds like Alex Borstein. That's a plus for sure.




- Brian Griffin- Seth McFarlane





Brian Griffin is a talking dog that walks upright and can drive a car. Unless you make him a human (and what would be the point of that?) you really can't do Brian as a live action dog. It would look stupid. So Brian would have to be animated in some way. And with the recent advances in CG animation a live-action movie could make a cartoon Brian look "life-like." Maybe they could get a midget actor to do the motion capture for Brian. And it would be hard to replace Brian's voice, so just have MacFarlane do it.



- Meg Griffin- Kelly Clarkson





Meg Griffin is a dumpy teenager that no one likes. Kelly Clarkson could probably pull that off. She's kind of dumpy already. And she'd look okay in Meg's hat. I'm sorry, but I couldn't think of anyone else.



- Chris Griffin- Seth Green (in a fat suit)





Seth Green is a versatile actor and a gifted comedian. He can pretty much do anything. Drama, comedy, whatever. So why not have him play the character he voices on the show, but have him do it while wearing a fat suit? Like Brian Griffin, Chris has a distinctive voice that would be difficult to replicate in a live-action movie. Having Green do it would work.


- Quagmire- Steve Buscemi





Glen Quagmire is a big, sex crazed sleazebag. Who better to play him than Steve Buscemi, who can do the sleazebag thing like no one else? Buscemi can also be a funny guy when he needs to be. So just put a big chin appliance and a Hawaiian shirt on him and you've got a real live Glen Quagmire.



- Stewie Griffin- Seth McFarlane





Much like Brian Griffin, Stewie would have to be animated in some form. He wouldn't work as an actual baby with fake mouth movements, and it wouldn't work with a midget. So do him as a life like cartoon with MacFarlane's voice work. How can you have Stewie without that voice/



- Joe Swanson- Kevin James





Having the guy that voices the character on the show, Patrick Warburton, would probably work, too, but I think James would be outstanding. Put him in a wheelchair, change up his hair, and you've got Joe Swanson in the flesh. He'd probably have to work out a bit, though, to make his upper body seem bigger. Have him work out with Drescher.


- Ollie Williams- Eddie Murphy





Eddie Murphy is no stranger to acting in a fat suit, so he'd certainly be comfortable doing it (that's the only way it could be done). And since it would basically be a bit part in the movie, he could do a Tom Cruise in "Tropic Thunder" kind of deal.


- Bruce the Performance Artist- William H. Macy






Bruce the Performance Artist is a weirdo. William H. Macy hasn't really been give a chance to play a Bruce kind of weirdo before. And since Macy has been in search of a franchise to latch onto, what better franchise than "Family Guy"?



- Tom Tucker- James Woods





Tom Tucker is an asshole, and James Woods knows how to play an asshole. Just put a mustache on Woods and you've got your Tom Tucker. And think about this. James Woods could play himself in the movie, and Tucker could interview him on television. It would be James Woods acting with James Woods! Who the hell wouldn't want to watch that?


***

The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, for proposing to change the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and therefore changing the rules for who exactly is an American.

Under the current wording of the 14th Amendment, as long as a person is born in the United States he or she is automatically an American citizen regardless of the citizenship status of that child's parents (the rules are different for the children of foreign diplomats). Graham (and others, like Senators John McCain and Jon Kyl) wants to end all of that. Under the proposed changes spearheaded by Graham, if a baby's parents are illegal immigrants then that American born baby shouldn't automatically be an American. Graham doesn't want to "reward illegality" because apparently oodles of illegals are making special trips to the United States so they can have their kids here. And in this case, "illegals" means brown people from Mexico, Latin, and South America.

Yes, that's what this is all about, making sure the United States doesn't get "too brown." It has nothing to do with "not rewarding illegality" or any of that shit (where the fuck is all of this evidence of people making trips to America just to have their children born in America?). Graham, and the Republican party in its current form, want to use the specter of a rising brown tide to scare the shit out of white, middle class America, get them energized so they will come out and vote Republican in the midterm elections. The Republicans think it's a good strategy.

So if this happens will the change work retroactively? Will the descendants of illegal immigrants from the 1920's suddenly lose their American citizenship? How about the descendants of slaves? How is this incredibly bad idea going to work?

Graham and the Republican party as a whole should be ashamed of itself, and the Democrats out there entertaining this idea (you know they're out there, trying to "work across the aisle") should be ashamed, too. But then you have to know what shame is.



And then there's Wendy Wright of the ultra right wing group Concerned Women of America, for refusing to admit that she's a raging homophobe while appearing on Chris "Tweety" Mathews "Hardball" show last week.

Ms. Wright was upset about the recent judicial ruling overturning California's Proposition 8, which made gay marriage illegal in California. Wright kept saying that the judge's decision was wrong, that it destroyed the expressed will of the people (voters approved of Prop 8 by a wide margin), and that it was a slap in the face to thousands of years of tradition. I'm not really sure what tradition she's talking about (weren't women considered the man's property in marriage not that long ago? Isn't that one of the things we don't like about the autocratic states in the Middle East ruled by ultra right wing religious fanatics?) but that's really beside the point. She's a homophobe. She hates fags and dykes and just refuses to admit it. Why can't she come out and say what she really thinks?

Because the "liberal" media would attack her? Take her words out of context and engage in character assassination? Those don't seem to be good reasons to ignore what you really believe. Why deny your true self?



And finally there's pro wrestling company TNA, for bringing back ECW for one more run. How many times do we need to have another fucking ECW reunion? How many times do we need to have one more fucking farewell to a wrestling company and a wrestling show that wasn't all that great to begin with (and I'm talking about the "original" ECW here. The WWE version sucked, too)? Who exactly wants this, besides the internet?

TNA needs to stop this shit. It needs to focus on itself, build its own identity and make people care about it. How does constantly talking about the past make that happen?

Let ECW fucking die. Make me care about TNA. Please.

***

And now, your weekly "Jericho" update

Okay, so we still don't have any kind of major announcement from CBS regarding the future of the "Jericho" franchise. I'm not sure what the delay is. I do have some information regarding the remaining three issues of the "Jericho" comic book, though.

According to the fine folks at Jericho Kansas Inc, Devils Due Press, the publisher of the comic book, is in the midst of serious financial difficulties and that's why we haven't seen issue #4 yet. Issue #4 is done and ready to go, but it needs a new distributor first. Devils Due is working hard to find someone to release the remaining three issues. The expected graphic novel trade paperback compilation is part of the deal as well.

So how long do we have to wait for an official announcement? Unknown at this moment. We'll just have to keep our eyes and our ears open and keep the faith that something good is coming. CBS knows that we're out there and we're still passionate about the show. Something good has to be coming. It just has to.

Keep checking out http://www.savingjericho.com and http://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff (what's going on with the Epix thing?). And keep an eye on http://www.devilsdue.net/, the online home of Devil's Due Publishing, for information regarding future issues of the comic book and everything else Devil's Due puts out (Go here to find a local comic book shop near you if you haven't done so already. It's always good to know where your local comic book shop is regardless).

And go here to buy the entire "Jericho" series in one DVD collection. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

Long live "Jericho"! Don't let it die!



***

NASCAR and Indycar thoughts



Finally. Juan Pablo Montoya picks up a win, his second, in NASCAR Sprint Cup competition, on the road course at Watkins Glen. He's been so close to a race win the last two seasons, only to end up second or third or in the wall. But Sunday he dominated the whole race, spanking the field with little opposition. Marcos Ambrose was the only guy who could challenge Montoya, but he couldn't get past the Colombian at the end. At least Ambrose won the Nationwide race for the third straight year on Saturday.

Holy crap, what the heck is going on with Jimmie Johnson? He ran like shit all day and ended up in the wall towards the end. None of the Hendrick cars were a threat, especially Jeff Gordon, who is usually a threat at the Glen. What the fuck was Tony Stewart thinking running into Boris Said like that?

And what the hell was the point of Tommy Baldwin Racing hiring road course specialist Ron Fellows if all the team was going to do was run a few laps and then park it? That's what Baldwin has been doing all year long, which I understand since he doesn't have a major sponsor to help pay the bills. But he had a chance with Fellows to have a good finish, which would definitely help in the whole owners points/guaranteed starter thing. So, again, why park Fellows?

Up next is Michigan's second race of the year. That'll be a barnburner for sure.

Atlanta is losing one of its races and Chicagoland is going to start off the Chase next season? The Atlanta thing I understand, but why start the Chase off at Chicagoland? I don't get that.



Over in Indycar, Dario Franchitti managed to hold off Will Power in the closing laps of an incredibly boring race at the Mid-Ohio road course. The cars seemed to be going faster this year at Mid-Ohio, but all that seemed to do was make passing even more impossible. With his second place finish, Power clinched the Mario Andretti Trophy, meaning he is the season's road course champion (there's one more road course this season, in two weeks at Infineon, so that's pretty impressive).

Danica Patrick once again had a bad race, starting in the back and finishing in the back. I still think Michael Andretti is deliberately shanking her with bad equipment. How can her performance drop so rapidly from last season?

The Indycar Series should be announcing its new schedule soon. Rumor is that Michigan might be back on the schedule. When will the complaints start up again about how dangerous the track is?

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That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Don't forget to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Judge: Mr. Phillips, please answer the question!


Duke Phillips: All right! Yes, I sold the mustard gas to Qaddafi!


Judge: What?


Duke Phillips: Uh... mustard... gives me gas, as does taffy.

Judge: I have the same problem with fresh fruit.



That's from "The Critic," a show I've never quoted in this space before. It's a great show. I wish it was still on the air.

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Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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