The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 08.16.10: Issue #119
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 08.16.2010
In this issue I take a look at “The Expendables,” one of the greatest B-movie action flicks ever made featuring one of the if not the greatest cast of all time. Read on for more!
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #119: "The Expendables" (2010)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never been a member of a team of bad ass international mercenaries that only do "good" works, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number one hundred and nineteen, we take a look at one of the most anticipated B-movies of the summer of 2010, "The Expendables," co-written, directed, and starring the Sylvester Stallone plus an all-star team of old and new action movie icons.
The Expendables (2010)
"The Expendables" is the movie B-movie action nerds like me have been waiting for our whole B-movie watching lives. It's an unpretentious, bad ass, gory as hell action movie featuring one of the greatest movie casts of all time. It's the kind of major release action movie that big time Hollywood used to churn out all of the time but basically stopped making in the mid-1990's for whatever reason. That isn't to say that action flicks like "The Expendables" weren't getting made at all; they were just getting made for smallish budgets for the home video market. There have been a few major release action franchise recently (Jason Statham's "The Transporter" and "Crank" movies come to mind) but for the most part it's all been stuff for home video or very, very, very limited theatrical release (like all of the kung fu movies that get released in the major American cities like New York and Los Angeles and maybe Chicago). "The Expendables" will hopefully change all of that and get studios interested in making non-high concept action movies again.
The flick stars Stallone as Barney Ross, the leader of "The Expendables," a group of bad ass mercenaries that when they're not rescuing hostages or killing bad guys for various reasons they're riding around Los Angeles on their motorcycles or hanging out at a tattoo parlor owned and operated by former Expendables operator Tool (Mickey Rourke). When we first meet the team (there's Stallone's Ross, knife throwing expert Lee Christmas, as played by Jason Statham, martial artist Ying Yang, as played by Jet Li, Swedish sniper meth head Gunner Jensen, as played by the Dolph Lundgren, mega bad ass with a bad ear Toll Road, as played by Randy Couture, and shotgun expert Hale Caesar, as played by President Camacho hisself Terry Crews) they're rescuing a bunch of hostages from Somali boat kidnappers. After some righteous carnage (a bad guy gets blown in two), Jensen freaks out and attempts to hang a pirate. Ross tells Jensen to stop, that's not what the Expendables do, and a small fight ensues between Jensen and Yang. Before Jensen can do any serious damage Ross and the others subdue him and essentially place him under arrest. During the flight back to headquarters Ross and Christmas try to figure out what to do with Jensen, who clearly has become a liability to the team. Should they get rid of Jensen or keep him on and maybe try to get him some help?
Ross decides to let Jensen go, a decision that doesn't sit well with the big Swede (he'll get his revenge in due time), but Ross and the team have bigger problems. After getting a massive back tattoo finished, Ross finds out from Tool that there's a big offer on the table from a mysterious group that wants to meet in a church in downtown LA. The mysterious group, led by a man named Mr. Church (Bruce Willis, in a cameo performance that will scare the shit out of you), wants the Expendables to go to the South American country of Vilena to overthrow the country's new dictator General Garza (David Zayas), who is being bankrolled by rogue CIA agent James Munroe (Eric Roberts). Ross wants to check the country out first before committing to Mr. Church's proposal (Ross doesn't like the sound of the whole thing, and he was likely taken aback by Church's soon to be classic "Fucking dog treats" speech, which will scare the shit out of you). So Ross takes Christmas to Vilena to check things out.
When Ross and Christmas get to Vilena they meet up with Sandra (Giselle Itie), a member of the local, for the lack of a better word, resistance, who takes them all over the small island country, including near the General's palace. Ross quickly decides that the potential mission is too dangerous, that there's little chance of success since the General's army is big and well equipped. But after an altercation with those local soldiers and catching a glimpse of Munroe and his evil henchmen Paine ("Stone Cold" Steve Austin) and the Brit (the great Gary Daniels), Ross tells Sandra that she herself needs to leave because there's nothing in the country for her (basically, Ross is smitten with her and doesn't feel like trying to put any moves on her in her country. He'd much rather try to bang her in America). After a hellacious car chase, Ross and Christmas escape but Sandra decides to stay behind (she can't leave her country in the hands of a psychopath like Garza).
After a few days back in America, Ross decides that he and he alone needs to back to Vilena and rescue Sandra because it's the right thing to do. It's also the only thing he wants to do because he now knows that Mr. Church is CIA, and Ross doesn't want his team working for "the Agency." This decision doesn't sit well with Yang, who was expecting a big payday from the operation (he's got a big family to feed or something). But before an argument can ensue, Ross and Yang are attacked on the road by Jensen, who is now working for Munroe and plans on taking his old running buddies out (well, at least Ross and Yang). After a brutal kung fu fight between Yang and Jensen ends in a bloody stalemate, the rest of the Expendables team decide that they want in on this Vilena thing, regardless of the CIA connections. Garza and Munroe need to be taken out and taken out now.
You can pretty much guess what happens next, right?
Every action sequence in this movie is simply brutal. Whether it's a kung fu fight, a street fight beat down, or a gun fight, it's blood and guts and nasty broken bones and neck snapping and massive explosions. Some of the big fight scenes are hard to follow because of that jerky hand held camera stuff that apparently can't be avoided in these kinds of movies but the aftermaths of those fight scenes are always easy to understand and appreciate. When someone gets shot in this movie they get fucking shot. When an explosion happens it's a big fucking deal. And when someone tries to take on an Expendable it's just about always a big fucking mistake (Steve Austin's Paine does a good job putting up a fight, but then that's what you expect from the former Rattlesnake). One of the most memorable scenes in the movie is the one where Ross and Christmas take out a bunch of Garza's men with their trusty Expendables seaplane (check out the double machine gun in the nose of the plane and the whole fuel dump/flare gun thing. Some really cool shit). The flick's "slow" moments are also well done as they give you some background on some of the various characters and they give you a chance to catch your breath.
Stallone is great as Expendable leader Barney Ross. Stallone is obviously not as fast and agile as he used to be, but he can still hold his own when doing fights and gun battles. He's also funnier than you'd expect him to be in a movie like this, which is a nice touch. Statham does a great job as knife thrower Lee Christmas. He gets a nice little subplot involving a girlfriend (Lacy, as played by Charisma Carpenter) that helps contrast the difference between the Expendables and Munroe's henchmen, just in case you didn't know. Jet Li has to suffer through several "short" jokes, but he gets to kick some major ass in the big fight scenes (he's also quite handy with an Uzi). He also gets to fight Dolph Lundgren, a B-movie dream fight to be sure. Lundgren's performance is amazing since he's basically playing a wacked out drug addict, something he hasn't done before, and he nails it. He has a scene with Steve Austin that's just oozing with menace. Had they fought it no doubt would have been nasty and disgusting (someone would have puking blood by the end of it). I also want to commend Lundgren for carrying the small shotgun in that one scene (the small shotgun has become a kind of Dolph Lundgren movie trademark the last ten years or so. He doesn't shoot anyone in the head at point blank range, though, which is kind of disappointing. He does get to shoot a guy in two, though, at the beginning of the movie. That's damn cool).
Rourke's Tool doesn't get to engage in much action heroics, but he does get two very cool scenes where he explains what his life philosophy is and why he's retired from the team. Tool is also pretty handy with a knife, which is always cool (not as handy as Christmas, but then Tool doesn't need to be. He's retired). The pipe smoking thing is a little weird, though. We don't get to see Randy Couture or Terry Crews much outside of a mission situation, but they are both awesome anyway. You simply don't want to mess with Couture's Toll Road (when he hits a guy or slams a guy to the ground he fucking slams them), and Crews' Caesar gets to use two of the movie's coolest weapons: a neon razor blade and an automatic shotgun that acts like a grenade launcher. You will be in fucking awe of Crews when he lets loose with that shotgun. And Giselle Itie does an outstanding job as the flick's only female Sandra. She's got great chemistry with both Stallone and Statham, and she's a real trooper for doing a scene where Steve Austin slugs her (more on that in a second). Hopefully she'll come back in some capacity if and when a sequel happens.
Over on the bad guy side of things Eric Roberts is incredibly sleazy and despicable as rogue CIA agent James Munroe. There's absolutely no hint of a soul in Munroe, which you just don't see all that much in action movie bad guys these days. Munroe is a piece of shit scumbag and he's okay with that. Simply awesome. David Zayas does an amazing job as General Garza. I'm used to seeing Zayas on television (he did a great job as the head of the Major Case Squad on "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" this past season), but he's definitely got what it takes to be a great movie character actor. The great Gary Daniels finally gets a good part in a big screen movie as Munroe henchman the Brit. He's sleazy and disgusting and you don't want to mess with him. He also gets the best death in the movie (no, it's not much of a spoiler to say that Daniels dies in the movie at the hands of the Expendables team. He is playing a bad guy, after all). And then there's Steve Austin as main Munroe henchman Paine. Austin gives the one note Paine character an extra sense of nastiness that's scary to watch, especially when he slugs Giselle Itie. Now, Austin is a known spousal abuser, so I wonder if he ever blinked an eye at doing the scene (did Stallone know ahead of time?). It does make Paine that much more awful, so when he bites the dust (again, not really a spoiler) you cheer. I know I did. It will be interesting to see where Austin's acting career goes after this movie. Will he still get to play the bad ass hero in the low budget direct-to-video movies that he's recently done, or will start doing the despicable villain thing?
Now, the big Stallone-Bruce Willis-Ahnold Schwarzenegger scene that you've no doubt heard about and seen snippets of in various trailers and TV commercials isn't much in terms of screen time. It lasts maybe two minutes total, and it's basically a scene that exists in the movie because Stallone was able to get his two good movie buddies to do it, but it's still damn cool. As I've said twice now, Bruce Willis is terrifying as Mr. Church. That "fucking dog treats" speech will give you goose bumps or make you shit your pants, or maybe both. That's how scary it is. And Ahnold's quick scene, as rival mercenary team leader Trench, is cool simply because Ahnold's in it. Being Governor of California has not been kind to Ahnold's physique as he basically looks like a slightly thicker Clint Eastwood now, but he's still got that screen presence that made him famous, and hopefully this is the beginning of Ahnold's second acting career once he leaves office. The big screen is where Ahnold belongs.
"The Expendables" is a fucking awesome movie going experience. It's got everything you need for a good, no, great B-movie. You need to go out and see it now and then again tomorrow. It's absolutely fucking worth it. Thanks, Sly, for getting everyone together to make a great movie, and I know I can't wait for the sequel.
Long live "The Expendables"! Fuck yeah!
See it, see it, go fucking see it.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous bad ass gang riding motorcycles, gratuitous Expendable skull logo, gratuitous pirates from Somalia, bondage, gratuitous hostage video, gratuitous red dots, gratuitous Sylvester Stallone, gratuitous Jason Statham, gratuitous Jet Li, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren, gratuitous Randy Couture, gratuitous Terry Crews, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren blowing a guy in half, a massive shootout with hot night and heat vision death, a text message, gratuitous quick fight between Dolph Lundgren and Jet Li, a big ass fucking knife, gratuitous Georgia Satellites, gratuitous Sylvester Stallone smoking a stogie, a ruby from Burma, gratuitous Mickey Rourke, gratuitous massive back tattoo, gratuitous Mickey Rourke smoking a pipe, an impromptu knife throwing contest, gratuitous Eric Roberts, gratuitous "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, gratuitous Bruce Willis, gratuitous Ahnold Schwarzenegger, gratuitous discussion about Randy Couture's "cauliflower" ear, gratuitous Wildlife Conservationist mocking, apple smelling, gratuitous Gary Daniels, knife to the ear, some serious knife fighting and neck breaking, serious ass kicking, gratuitous Sylvester Stallone trying to run, a great seaplane machine gun massacre, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren and his small shotgun, boyfriend abuse, a basketball court beat down with basketball stabbing, woman beating, waterboarding, attempted drive by shooting, a bad ass car chase with plenty of smashed glass, a wild car flip, gratuitous second fight between Dolph Lundgren and Jet Li, gratuitous Terry Crews talking about his automatic shotgun, face paint, a bomb planting montage, attempted rape, hand slicing, decapitation, serious knife to the throat, a serious fight with arm and neck breaking including a kick to a reversed head (you gotta see it), flying shoulder block, massive shotgun destruction, exploding head, grenade tossing, exploding gas fire, gratuitous one-on-one dream fight, a CGI man-on-fire gag that actually looks good, a shot putt exploding bomb, a massive helicopter explosion, big fucking knife to the back, a happy ending, and some more impromptu knife throwing.
Best lines: "What do you know, a greedy pirate," "Bullets go faster than blades," "It's good to hang pirates," "I hate his voice," "Come on, Christmas, bring it, baby," "Okay, Church, what can I do for you?," "You guys aren't going to start sucking eachothers' dicks, are you?," "What's his fucking problem? He wants to be President," "Look at these clowns. Hand picked monkeys," "Have you ever been rejected? You're really pushing the boundaries of our relationship, you know that,?" "Where is my growth?," "Next time I'll deflate all of your balls, friend," "Insect!," "What do you wear, size 3? Bring it, Happy Feet!," "You know, it's not easy being your friend," "Are you a real tough guy?," "Where have you been? Getting my ass kicked!," "Remember this shit at Christmas!," and "Truthfully, I never really thought she was your type."
Rating: 10.0/10.0
***
And now, the weekly Fearnet update
Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.
Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. "Mulberry Street," the great low budget horror flick about human rat zombies that was a big part of the second After Dark Horrorfest was on there last week. Is it still there?Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.
If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.
(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).
***
"Live Evil" is now on DVD!
"Live Evil," the movie I've been talking about for close to a year and reviewed here is now on DVD and available to purchase.
It's been a long time coming but "Live Evil" is finally on store shelves all over the country. If you don't have a reputable DVD seller near you (and by reputable I mean a seller that deals in damn near everything that comes out on DVD, from major studio releases to small independent movies like "Live Evil") go to the movie's website and order it from there or you can go here to amazon. You can also rent the flick from various video rental places, but you'll have to go to those places to find out if they have it.
The DVD contains the following:
- Unrated movie
- 5.1 Surround Sound
- Audio commentary with director Jay Woelfel, producer Mark Terry, and Mark Hengst ("Benedict")
- Deleted scenes
- Q & A with star Tim Thomerson and director Jay Woelfel at Fangoria LA convention
- Tim Thomerson intro from Flashback Weekend 2009
- Promo video of "Live Evil" at Fangoria Weekend of Horror 2009
- Theatrical trailer
- And more!
With all of those cool special features how could you not want to own "Live Evil"?
So go out right now (well, you can wait until after you finish reading this column) and purchase "Live Evil." You'll be glad you did.
Long live the Priest!
***
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
"The Expendables"
Sylvester Stallone- Barney Ross Jason Statham- Lee Christmas Jet Li- Ying Yang Dolph Lundgren- Gunner Jensen Eric Roberts- James Munroe Giselle Itie- Sandra David Zayas- General Garza Randy Couture- Toll Road Steve Austin- Paine Terry Crews- Hale Caesar Gary Daniels- The Brit Charisma Carpenter- Lacy Mickey Rourke- Tool Bruce Willis- Mr. Church Ahnold Schwarzenegger- Trench
Directed by Sylvester Stallone Screenplay by David Callaham and Sylvester Stallone, based on a story by David Callaham
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for strong action and bloody violence throughout, and for some language Runtime- 103 minutes
