TV Rants and Raves 8.18.10

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 08.18.2010

Rants and Raves about the summer finale of “The Good Guys,” Jane and Stacy’s relationship on “Drop Dead Diva,” Ted Mosby’s house on “How I Met Your Mother,” TLC’s “Fabulous Cakes,” and HBO’s lack of an action adventure TV show, plus a Strange Thought, new feature Quick Hits (“Big Brother,” the 3 Stooges on IFC, Jeff Goldblum leaving “Law & Order: Criminal Intent,” and Steven Seagal’s upcoming non-reality TV show), Robert Gibbs wins a special award, and more

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that really, really, really hates Sean Hannity, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.



Before I get into the main part of the column, what the hell is wrong with NBC? I just read on imdb.com that the network will not be airing the eleventh episode of its summer mystery series "Persons Unknown," that it will air that episode only on the internets. What exactly is the point of doing that if you plan on airing the final two episodes back-to-back the following week? Why not just air episodes ten and eleven back-to-back (you know, from 8-10pm)? Why make it so damn hard for people who are still watching the show to actually watch the fucking show?

Oh, I know, the show's ratings are horrendous, but if you're not going to air all thirteen episodes on TV why bother having it on at all? Just cancel it outright, put the show out on DVD, and be done with it.

I mean, come on, it's not like you have anything else to air on Saturday night. For two weeks only have one "Law & Order: SVU" rerun at 10pm. Let those of us who have made an effort to keep watching the show see it all. Why is that so hard to do?



Fucking NBC. Assbags.

Now, with all of that out of the way, onto the main part of the column:



TV Rants and Raves




- "The Good Guys" Summer Season finale thoughts: The great Bradley Whitford-Colin Hanks buddy cop action comedy show "The Good Guys" recently ended its "summer season" on Fox with its best episode, where the pseudo bumbling Dallas cop duo of veteran blowhard detective Dan Stark (Whitford) and young, conscientious, but incredibly unlucky detective Jack Bailey (Hanks) had to help a U.S. marshal played by former "Criminal Minds" and "Persons Unknown" actor Lola Glaudini keep a federal witness safe. Whitford and Hanks are a great buddy cop team. I love how Bailey never trusts Stark, even though Stark is usually right about whatever the heck they happen to be investigating. For whatever reason that distrust never gets old. In fact, I love how absolutely no one trusts Stark. And yet he still shows up every day for work. That's a dedicated public servant, man.

The love story between Stark and Glaudini's Marshal Justine Moreno was also quite good. I didn't think she'd ever succumb to Stark's "manly charms." I figured Stark would make plenty of clumsy moves on her and there'd be a moment where it looked like she was falling for him but that, in the end, she'd reject him. But she actually showed up in his trailer, unannounced, and had sex with him. Voluntarily. It wasn't part of an elaborate joke or a dare. Moreno wanted him. And the next morning she left Stark's trailer without saying goodbye but she did leave one of her socks for him to fawn over. What a woman. Ha.

The general structure of the show grew on me with each new episode. I didn't think the ongoing flashback device of telling the story would work, that it would get old and annoying and distracting over time, but it didn't. It actually helped enhance the show's comedy. It also allowed the show to always "feel" fresh, which is something you don't see all that much in modern cop shows (well, successful modern cop shows).

"The Good Guys" is easily Whitford's best TV work ever (yes, even better than "The West Wing"). He's managed to shed that smarmy douchebag attitude that made "West Wing" so hard to watch sometimes (and while I liked "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" quite a bit, Whitford's uber smarmy attitude on that show is probably one of the reasons it tanked so badly and got cancelled after one season). He's likeable and funny and clearly at ease with playing the buffoon. Am I the only one who thinks he's channeling Burt Reynolds while playing Dan Stark?

Hanks is great, too. He's become quite the straight man to Whitford's buffoon. I do wonder, though, if he'll ever be able to leave Stark in the event he ever gets a promotion/transfer from the property crimes division. Despite his general open disdain for his partner and his "unorthodox" methods Bailey likes working with Stark. Sure, Bailey would probably prefer working in the major case squad since it's more high profile and prestigious and all that, but would he ever get to deal with the kind of action he deals with while working with Stark? Probably not. And while he may not know it yet, that's why he's a cop. The action.

I can't wait for the show to return in the fall. Fox plans on pairing it with the equally great "Human Target" on Friday nights, which probably means both shows won't be around for very long once their second seasons start. Hopefully both shows find large enough audiences to stay on the air. There are certainly more cases for Stark and Bailey to crack, more leads to chase down, and more stuff to unexpectedly blow up.

September 24th. That's when new episodes of "The Good Guys" start up again. Please, if you haven't watched the show, give it a shot. It's worth checking out.





- Are Jane and Stacy a little too close on "Drop Dead Diva"?: Am I the only one to notice how lovey dovey Jane and Stacy are on Lifetime's comedy-drama "Drop Dead Diva"? The last few episodes I've watched (I'm like three weeks behind on the show) there have been scenes where Stacy and Jane talk about whatever the heck is going on in the plot of the episode at that time, and then they start smiling and giggling at one another, and then they do that head swaying thing that lovers on TV shows always do. What's going on there? Have they become lovers?

Well, maybe "lovers" is too strong a word. They're best friends, that's obvious, so there's going to be some affection there regardless. They live in the same house. And they're both kind of frilly, and always happy around one another. Perhaps I'm just reading too much into this.

But then they do see one another in the underwear practically every day. We all know that Jane is attracted to "pretty" things, and Stacy is pretty damn pretty. Jane is pretty, too, despite her considerable girth (hey, fat chicks can be hot, too). But why would Stacy, who was incredibly shallow when she found out that the spirit of her dead best friend Deb had been placed into the body of workaholic lawyer Jane, suddenly want to bang a fat chick? Has Stacy grown into a more understanding person? Or has hanging out with a fat chick eroded her personal standards?

Well, "bang" is probably too strong a word, too. "Make love" is probably a better phrase here. Do lesbians "bang?"

I really think I may be reading into this too much. Jane and Stacy are probably just really good friends, frilly girls that enjoy being happy and "light" with oneanother. They like to talk about fashion and shopping and celebrity gossip and boyfriends and whatever the hell else frilly girls talk about these days. And besides, they both like dudes. Jane's always pining for Deb's old boyfriend, and Stacy could be coming around to Ben Feldman's angel character Fred. We all know that he likes Stacy.

I don't know. Dudes reading this, would you engage in a threesome with Jane and Stacy?




- How the hell is Ted Mosby going to pay for his house on "How I Met Your Mother"?: CBS recently aired a rerun of the episode of "How I Met Your Mother" where Ted Mosby bought a house. He bought the house after getting freaked out at his mother's wedding to weirdo Clint (what was the deal with that fucking painting anyway?). Ted is tired of being alone, not having a wife and a family and figured those things would happen faster if he skipped over those "steps" and bought a house. But as we all saw, the house Ted bought, before getting inspected, is a dump. It needs thousands of dollars in repairs and renovations. Thousands. Probably hundreds of thousands (this is the New York City housing market here). Despite the decrepit state of the house, it was revealed at the end of the episode that the house Ted bought is the same house we see his kids in in 2030. So how the hell did Ted fix up the house?

I mean, Ted isn't a millionaire. He's not exactly poor or anything, but he obviously doesn't have hundreds of thousands of dollars in savings, especially after spending so much money on buying the house in the first place. He's also a college professor, and last time I checked college professors aren't rolling in cash (unless they're famous, of course). Sow the hell is Ted going to pay for the repairs to this house?

Will his friends pitch in and give Ted money to fix the place up? Barney has the money to do that since he's drowning in money. And Robin doesn't appear to have that many expenses so she could probably give Ted some extra cash. I don't see how Marshall and Lily could donate much of anything since they're in serious debt (they have their own building, they're probably still paying off Lily's massive credit card debt), but I wouldn't be surprised if they gave their best friend Ted something of monetary value. Maybe Marshall volunteered to rewire the house for free? That seems like something he could do on his own. Or perhaps he fixed up the house's plumbing (that also seems like something Marshall could do). Or, ha!, maybe Marshall enlists the help of his father and Eriksen brothers! They're big guys, and one of them is probably a contractor or works for a contractor. Maybe that's what happens. The Eriksen clan fixes the place up, or a huge chunk of it. The Eriksens haven't been to New York City to visit yet, have they? That would make for a funny episode, wouldn't it?

Of course, maybe Ted eventually gets a buttload of money from designing a skyscraper for someone. That is his major life goal, besides marrying the right woman and settling down. Ted Mosby, the architect, wants to contribute to the skyline of the "greatest city in the world," New York. Perhaps someone with deep pockets hired Ted, really, really, really liked what he designed, paid him a few million dollars for the work, and that's how the house got fixed up.

Ted could win the lottery at some point, too. That would certainly help out the renovation budget.

Do you think the show will do a "The Money Pit" parody at some point next season? Sort of a "Ted and the gang decide to do some house renovation work themselves and it all goes badly" thing? That would be pretty funny.




- "Fabulous Cakes" thoughts: "Fabulous Cakes" is one of those cake decorating shows that airs on The Learning Channel. It did air on Monday nights for a few weeks, after the great "Cake Boss," but it wasn't on this past Monday (well, there was rerun on at like 7pm. I'm talking about a new episode here). Perhaps the documentary reality show's run has ended, or maybe it's just on a one week hiatus. The show should be cancelled because it's boring as hell.

The show, instead of focusing on one cake decorating company per episode, features multiple decorating companies at a time. Sometimes the companies are relatively close to one another, and sometimes the featured companies are thousands of miles apart. While that strategy may give more bang for the buck on paper since the audience gets to see three different companies work on three different cakes, in actual practice it's confusing as fuck. And since we don't get to spend any time with the decorators they're all pretty much interchangeable (it's very hard to keep track of these people).

I mean, the cakes they all work on all look great. All of the featured companies obviously employ incredibly talented and creative designers. Like the cakes Buddy and his team create on "Cake Boss," the cakes on "Fabulous Cakes" are works of art (I don't think I'd ever want to eat one of those cakes. Eating it would ruin it). I just wish there was more to "Fabulous Cakes" than the, well, fabulous cakes. Just who the hell are these cake decorators?

That's why "Cake Boss" is so successful. Buddy and his baking and designing team are interesting people and it's fun to watch them work. We have a sense of who they are and we enjoy hanging out with them (at least I do, in a TV show sense). Why wouldn't other cake decorating shows copy that template? Buddy can't be the only cake decorator out there with a personality.

If TLC gives "Fabulous Cakes" another season, the network should change the show up and feature a different decorating team per episode. Let us see who these people are.

And finally,





- Isn't it about time HBO did an action show?: Over the last, oh, ten years or so, premium cable channel HBO has developed a reputation for "great" TV. "The Sopranos," "The Wire," "Deadwood," "Carnivale," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Sex and the City," that therapy show starring Gabriel Byrne that I can't remember the name of at the moment ("In Treatment"?), whether it's comedy or drama it's all "quality" television. I wouldn't know because I haven't watched an HBO show since Gary Shandling's ""The Larry Sanders Show," but there's no arguing with the copious and incessant critical praise for what HBO produces. And show likes "True Blood" and "Hung" and that show with Zach Galifianakis and Ted Danson get good ratings, so actual people are watching them.

Now, out of all of the shows that HBO has produced, none of them have been action shows. I'm not counting the two massive World War II miniseries "Band of Brothers" and "The Pacific" because they're miniseries events, not "regular" TV shows. Where the heck is the HBO version of "NCIS" or "Miami Vice?" Why hasn't HBO blazed a trail for a "quality" action adventure show chock full of blood and guts and nudity and foul language?

I mean, HBO is still in the movie business, and plenty of the movies the network shows are action movies. It seems like an easy no-brainer for the network to do a "24" like show. The network has all of the lead in it needs (watch "Spider-Man" or "I Am Legend" before the next episode of Michael Jai White's "Shotgun Steve"). So what the heck is the hold up? What's preventing HBO from jumping on this genre and running with it?

Is it money? Would an action show just cost too much money as compared to something like "Hung," which I imagine doesn't cost that much to produce? Or has HBO just not found the right creative combination to do such a show?

It's probably all about money. Explosions cost money. Gun fights cost money. Stunts cost money. And fight choreographers don't work for free. So, yeah, it's probably all about money. $5 million an episode is ridiculous for a TV show.

***
And now, a shameless plug for TLC



"BBQ Pitmasters," the reality game show about master BBQ chefs, has just started its second season on TLC. It's one of the better cook off type reality shows on TV today. It airs on Thursdays at 10pm, so if you're not too busy on Thursday night, flip it on over to The Learning Channel and watch a bunch of people cook BBQ food and talk about stuff.



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Strange Thoughts

Well, I actually only have one Strange Thought for you this issue. I usually have two Strange Thoughts for you, but sometimes my soul killing day job only creates one Strange Thought. I'm sorry, it happens. Enjoy.




- If a sequel to the great Sylvester Stallone-Kurt Russell buddy cop action flick "Tango & Cash" had been made, do you think the movie would have had Russell's Gabriel Cash married off to Teri Hatcher's Katherine "Kiki" Tango, the sister of Stallone's Ray Tango, or would have Kiki even appeared at all?



I'd like to think that a "Tango & Cash 2" would have had Cash and Kiki living the married life, or at least living together with plans to get married. Russell and Hatcher had great chemistry together and make for a great on-screen couple. But the movie business being what it is, I'd imagine that Hatcher would not have come back for the sequel for money reasons (the studio wouldn't pay her what she's worth). The studio would much rather focus on Stallone and Russell and the bad guy they'd be up against (Jack Palance's twin brother? Or Meg Foster just to mix things up). There would be a sexy good guy female character, sure, but it would have been a younger actress that works cheap and looks good in a short skirt or a bikini. Of course, since Stallone didn't get a girlfriend in the first movie the short skirt chick would have to be his love interest (you have to be fair about these things).



Now, if it was up to me, I would have had Stallone, Russell, and Hatcher all come back, with Russell and Hatcher together trying to do the married couple thing while Russell works cases and remains in danger. Stallone would get to chase the short skirt woman because, yes, he needs a love interest, but she'd end up as a villain by the end of the movie (it's a twist we've seen a million times before but if done right it works). That would be the sequel I'd like to see.



And, yes, I would have had Jack Palance come back as the villain, Yves Perret's sadistic twin brother Stan. He'd carry around a machete and cut people's fingers and hands off because it's intimidating and cool. I bet Palance would have thought it was cool back in 1991 or so when "Tango & Cash 2" would have been made.

***




***

The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.





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And now, Dr. Phil.





"Man, I want to fuck that Progressive Insurance bitch in those TV commercials, that perpetually perky bitch with the big mouth. Yeah, she's whiter than a ghost and has an annoying voice, but she looks like she's got a great body on her. She's probably got great, milky white tits that are a ball to palm. And she definitely has nice hands to grab my balls with. I'd want her to do that on the first date. And I wouldn't beat around the bush on that. I'd unzip my pants right at the restaurant table and tell her to start fondling my marbles.

And, oh yeah, I'd beat around her fucking bush. I'd shave that thing for her, too, because she probably doesn't do that. There's nothing wrong with hair down there, it doesn't bother me, but there are some general social standards that people need to follow, and shaving that thing is definitely one that needs to be adhered to. That's what I tell those fucking assholes on my show all of the time. Get some fucking standards, man.

Oh, man, that mouth. That big, big mouth. Those ruby red lips. And those big, perfect teeth. I bet she could put quite the indentation on the side of my shaft. And she'd no doubt chow down on my teabag if I asked her to. Dip it in, lick it, nick it! Nick it bitch!

And I would fuck her on that motorcycle of hers. Front and back."

Jesus, Phil. Why do you think she'd be interested in you? You're fucking married.



"I think it's pretty obvious by now that I don't give a shit if I'm married. I've got needs. Real needs. And since Robin won't get those dental implants I asked her to, well, she can go fuck herself.

Man, that would be a sweet threesome. Me, the Progressive bitch, and Robin. Robin can pleasure herself with an ice dildo while I watch and slam the insurance bitch from behind. That would pretty fucking cool."

Good God, Phil. What the fuck, man?

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. "Mulberry Street," the great low budget horror flick about human rat zombies that was a big part of the second After Dark Horrorfest was on there last week. Is it still there?Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.



If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).


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"Live Evil" is now on DVD!



"Live Evil," the movie I've been talking about for close to a year and reviewed here is now on DVD and available to purchase.

It's been a long time coming but "Live Evil" is finally on store shelves all over the country. If you don't have a reputable DVD seller near you (and by reputable I mean a seller that deals in damn near everything that comes out on DVD, from major studio releases to small independent movies like "Live Evil") go to the movie's website and order it from there or you can go here to amazon. You can also rent the flick from various video rental places, but you'll have to go to those places to find out if they have it.

The DVD contains the following:

- Unrated movie
- 5.1 Surround Sound
- Audio commentary with director Jay Woelfel, producer Mark Terry, and Mark Hengst ("Benedict")
- Deleted scenes
- Q & A with star Tim Thomerson and director Jay Woelfel at Fangoria LA convention
- Tim Thomerson intro from Flashback Weekend 2009
- Promo video of "Live Evil" at Fangoria Weekend of Horror 2009
- Theatrical trailer
- And more!

With all of those cool special features how could you not want to own "Live Evil"?
So go out right now (well, you can wait until after you finish reading this column) and purchase "Live Evil." You'll be glad you did.

Long live the Priest!





***
New Bit: Random Quick Hits




- I hate CBS' "Big Brother." It's just an awful, awful reality show featuring disgusting people I wouldn't want to know in real life. I can't figure out why anyone would find the show entertaining. What the hell is there to like? I do kind of like the "Big Brother After Dark" version of the show that airs nightly on Showtime Too. "Big Brother After Dark" is a three hour block of "live feeds" from the Big Brother house. It isn't as produced as the CBS show, at least the two hours I recently saw were not "produced." It just seems to be three hours of watching these assholes doing stuff. The people in the house are still awful, but they're much more interesting when it's just them and the camera. Why wouldn't a show like that work on CBS? Why do we need all of the show graphics and whatnot?



- Why the hell is IFC, the Independent Film Channel, airing the Three Stooges now? I mean, sure, I think it's cool that there's a channel out there with the boys on it commercial free. AMC, which owns IFC, still has the Stooges, but the Stooges shorts on there have commercial breaks, breaks that can ruin the flow of the story. The Stooges were meant to be seen break free. But the Independent Film Channel? What am I missing here? How does this make sense?




- So now Jeff Goldblum wants out of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" because he's unsure of the show's future. What the hell is USA doing? Does the network have plans to get rid of the best "Law & Order" show currently on TV? I knew there was a chance that the network might not want to renew the show, but the network threatens that every year. The show always came back. Now, with the show's new fucking star quitting because he doesn't think the show is getting another season, where the hell does that leave us? Is "Criminal Intent" in real, honest to Drake danger of not coming back, or is this just a gag by Goldblum to get out of doing the show because he doesn't want to do it anymore? Just what the hell is going on here? Are they going to try to bring D'Onofrio back?




- I wish there was more information out there on the internets concerning Steven Seagal's upcoming hour long weekly drama "Southern Justice." It's Seagal's first non-reality TV show. You'd think there'd be news all over the place. What is the show going to look like? What is the show really going to be about? How many people is he going to get to beat the shit out of every week? Is it going to be a syndicated show or will it get a cable home, like A&E, the current home of his "Lawman" reality show? Why don't we know more about this thing?

- What the heck ever happened to these types of commercials? Don't we have new masters of the pan flute that have albums to advertise?




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The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to current White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs, for attacking "the professional left" last week. Apparently, the "professional left" won't be happy until, according to Gibbs, the Pentagon is disbanded (because the left hates the military and therefore America), the U.S. has Canadian style healthcare (because what we currently have works so damn well) and Dennis Kucinich is President (and what the hell would be wrong with that?). The "professional left" just doesn't understand what it takes to "get things done," and that's what the President has done, according to Gibbs.

Why not just say that your disagree with the liberal blogosphere and leave it at that? Why deliberately pick a fight with the people that you need to work for you in the midterm election and the Presidential election in 2012? Why pick a fight with the people that keep you honest? It just doesn't make any sense.

If the administration thinks that repeated attacks against its own people is good politics, that it'll better position them to gain "independent" support in 2012, that it's okay because the "professional left" has nowhere to go and will support us no matter what, they apparently don't remember the 2000 election. Had the Democrats not alienated the "professional left" and allowed the great Ralph Nader to become a minor force, the Bush family's vote rigging scheme in Florida wouldn't have mattered. Now, in 2012, President Sarah Barracuda is incredibly scary, but it won't be scary enough if the President tries to out right wing the right wingers. Don't attack your friends. Attack your enemies.

Can we please just get on the fucking ball here?




And then there's ultra right wing op-ed columnist Cal Thomas, for his recent screed against gay marriage. According to our pal Cal, the recent decision by U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker to strike down California's Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage, is the end of America.

Please, go ahead and read the column and ask yourself if you've ever read anything more homophobic or insane. You probably haven't, at least in a mainstream media sense. I know I haven't.

So what if the judge is "openly" gay? When did America become a Christian theocracy? And I thought we were a nation of laws? If the following quote doesn't scare the shit out of you, well, you must be as insane as Cal:

"A nation that loses its moral sense is a nation without any sense at all. Muslim fanatics who wish to destroy us are correct in their diagnosis of our moral rot: loss of a fear of God, immodesty, especially among women, materialism and much more. While their solution -- Sharia law -- is wrong, they are not wrong about what ails us."

So who exactly is in league with the terrorists?




And finally there's the motherfucker that took a shit on the floor in the men's public bathroom of my crappy day job. How the fuck do you miss the toilet by three feet? And who the fuck goes into a public bathroom anywhere, drops a big, stinking load on the floor, but then makes sure to put the shitty toilet paper in the toilet? Who does this? Why go to the effort to do that but not shit in the toilet?

Jesus Christ, dude. The fucking floor? What the hell is the matter with you?

***

And now, your weekly "Jericho" update

Okay, so we still don't have any kind of major announcement from CBS regarding the future of the "Jericho" franchise. I'm not sure what the delay is. I do have some information regarding the remaining three issues of the "Jericho" comic book, though.

According to the fine folks at Jericho Kansas Inc, Devils Due Press, the publisher of the comic book, is in the midst of serious financial difficulties and that's why we haven't seen issue #4 yet. Issue #4 is done and ready to go, but it needs a new distributor first. Devils Due is working hard to find someone to release the remaining three issues. The expected graphic novel trade paperback compilation is part of the deal as well.

So how long do we have to wait for an official announcement? Unknown at this moment. We'll just have to keep our eyes and our ears open and keep the faith that something good is coming. CBS knows that we're out there and we're still passionate about the show. Something good has to be coming. It just has to.

Keep checking out http://www.savingjericho.com and http://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff (what's going on with the Epix thing?). And keep an eye on http://www.devilsdue.net/, the online home of Devil's Due Publishing, for information regarding future issues of the comic book and everything else Devil's Due puts out (Go here to find a local comic book shop near you if you haven't done so already. It's always good to know where your local comic book shop is regardless).

And go here to buy the entire "Jericho" series in one DVD collection. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

Long live "Jericho"!



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NASCAR and Indycar thoughts



Well, the second NASCAR Sprint Cup race of the year at Michigan has come and gone with Kevin Harvick picking up the win, his first Cup win at the track and the first Cup win in twenty years for Richard Childress Racing. It was a surprisingly good race with plenty of passing throughout the field and a good battle for the lead most of the day. Greg Biffle probably should have won the race, though, since he had the best car all day. At this point, Biffle may end up as the Chase "dark horse" if he manages to stay in the top twelve after Richmond. If Jimmie Johnson keeps having bad luck (ha! fuck yeah!) and Denny Hamlin blows up Greg Biffle could end up being the guy.



Jeff Burton was a real douchebag on the radio to his team, wasn't he? He yelled at his team over the radio that he wasn't going to pass the same cars over and over again all day and that his team had to get it together. What the fuck ever, dude. His crew chief should have told him to shut his fucking mouth and that if he can do better he can get out of the car during the next pit stop and change the fucking tires and put gas in the car. Shouldn't the crew chief be the one yelling at the crew? I hope his right rear tire changer told him to go fuck himself after the race. Cockbag.

And Joey Logano needs to stop fucking whining. Why did he start shit with Ryan Newman, who he dumped during the race? All Logano had to do was say he was sorry and that would have been the end of it. Racing deal or not, just apologize and move on. I'm sure Newman would have understood and moved on. But you, Logano, had to keep talking. What the hell were you trying to explain? What was there to fucking explain?

Up next for Sprint Cup is half-mile Bristol Motor Speedway Saturday night. The Bristol "night" race is usually a good one, chock full of wild passes and crashes. It'll be interesting to see who loses ground in the Chase after the race. Will Mark Martin have a better race? Will Dale Earnhardt, Jr. unfuck himself and have a banner day?

Over in the Nationwide Series, Brad Keselowski won the race and Danica Patrick once again tanked, finishing in the back twenties. I didn't get a chance to see the race (I had to fucking work) but from the highlights I saw on Speed it didn't look like much of a race. And that new Nationwide car looks ugly as hell.



Over in the Indycar Series, it looks like the drivers are thinking about forming a drivers association. It'll be interesting to see how far that gets and how receptive the car owners are to the "union," I'm sure the sanctioning body will secretly hate it because the association will "cost the sanctioning body money." If it does happen, don't be surprised if NASCAR sours on Danica. Unions are anti-American, after all (ha!).

It also looks more and more like Homestead, Chicagoland, and Kansas will be off the 2011 schedule. I'm going to assume that the New Hampshire and Baltimore dates will make up for two if those races. Hopefully the Vegas oval gets the third slot there.

The Indycar Series races this coming weekend at Infineon. That should be an okay race. Maybe.

Congrats are in order for Pennsylvania Sprint Car driver Tim Schaffer as he won the 50th Knoxville Nationals last Saturday. When was the last time a non-World of Outlaws driver won the Nationals?

Oh, and be sure to check out the Speed Channel tonight as the NASCAR modifieds will be on, live, from Bristol. It should be a good show.



***

That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"(In the middle of the night, Peter wakes the whole neighborhood by yelling.)

Peter: Hey everybody! Meg just had her first period!

Joe: PETER! Shut up its three in the morning!

Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?!

Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!

Peter: I'm just saying! I'm proud of her. She's a woman! Yea!

Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I am exhausted!"

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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