TV Rants and Raves 9.01.10

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 09.01.2010

A Strange Thought about continuity on The Simpsons, a Featured Bit on the 2010 Emmy Awards show, Rants and Raves about the season finale of Army Wives, what a spin-off of The Closer should look like and more!

TV Rants and Raves Issue #60: In this issue I Rant and Rave about the season finale of "Army Wives," why I'm already tired of "The Event," why a spin-off of "The Closer" should look like, Mary Hart leaving "Entertainment Tonight," and those "Real Housewives" people, plus a Strange Thought about continuity on "The Simpson's," a Featured Bit on the 2010 Emmy Awards show, Glenn Beck wins a special award, and more


Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that has never been attacked by a vengeful ghost, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Before I get into the main part of the column, how many of you out there have Vutopia on your cable? I didn't know I had it until a few weeks ago, as my cable company didn't send out a notice saying "You have a new free movies on demand channel." I was checking the guide, going down through the channels, and there it was. Vutopia.

It's not a bad free movies on demand channel. It seems to mostly have older Warner Bros movies on it, like "Spartan" and "Return of the Living Dead II," which is fine with me (in fact, when I first found out about the channel I engaged in an impromptu triple feature of "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory," "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday," and "Spartan"). I'm shocked that there aren't more movie studio centric on demand channels out there (although I don't think Vutopia is owned by Warner Bros. I think it's actually owned by Cox Communications). The Fox Movie Channel just put out its own On Demand movie channel. So where the heck is the Universal Pictures On Demand?



Now, I'd like to know why I can get Vutopia and Fox Movie Channel On Demand but I can't get Fearnet back. That's a free On Demand movie channel. And when I had it I was in heaven. There was so much great stuff on there, so many great horror and thriller movies, it was just awesome. What the hell, man?

I guess, until my cable company comes to its senses and brings Fearnet back, I'll have to make due with Vutopia. Paul Bartel's "Private Parts" is on there. I need to see that.







And Chuck Heston's "Omega Man" is on there, too. I haven't seen that in freaking forever.





Okay, with all of that out of the way, onto the main part of the column:


TV Rants and Raves




- "Army Wives" season finale thoughts: Holy hooey, "Army Wives" actually ended its latest season without a cliffhanger or some massive tragedy (no one died, the base didn't explode, no one's a prisoner over in Afghanistan). The show ended its fourth season on a, well, high note.

General Holden was rescued by Chase and his Delta Force buddies in Afghanistan after he got captured. Joan got better and is preparing to go back to full time duty. Denise had her baby while Frank watched via video link up in Afghanistan. And Chase told Pamela that he's ready to give up Special Forces to be with her (not to mention Pamela was offered a police job in Atlanta, setting up a potential spin-off). Oh, and Jeremy Sherwood (Frank and Denise's son) is getting fucking married. On a TV show like this you don't get much higher than that.

I'm shocked that General Holden didn't get killed or horribly maimed while a prisoner of war. That escape attempt was pretty stupid (did he really think he was going to get away?). I'm also shocked that Claudia Joy took the news of her husband's capture so well. Yes, she was a basketcase for a while and she cried and yelled and smashed some things, but she didn't collapse in a heap and didn't go into diabetic shock. She somehow got through it.

Roxie took Pamela's potential move to Atlanta hard. Roxie thinks of Pamela as her only true friend among the other army wives, and she was distraught there for a few moments. It's surprising that, at that moment, Roxie's deployed husband Trevor didn't get killed or injured by an IED or something (again, this show has a history of ending its season on a sad, sour note, and dying via IED is pretty sad).

Now, the back door "Pamela as a cop in Atlanta" episode that aired before the finale wasn't that great. Brigid Brannagh, who plays Pamela, had good chemistry with Gabrielle Union, her likely partner in Atlanta, but the investigation they were involved in was kind of lame. Not even the great Glen Morshower could save the murder story from mediocrity. It'll be interesting to see if the proposed spin-off is a buddy cop type show, with Brannagh and Union as the leads ("Cagney and Lacey" type stuff) or if it turns into a kind of ensemble show like "Army Wives" (it makes you wonder, though, didn't Lifetime already do that show, the all-female cop show?).

And what about Chase? If he's still in the picture in Atlanta what the hell is he going to do? He'll be out of Special Forces, which I assume means he'll also be out of the Army. Maybe he'll get a job at a local Atlanta Army base where he can teach soldiers there how to do stuff.

Now, according to an article I read at imdb.com. Lifetime hasn't renewed "Army Wives" for a fifth season just yet, and there's a chance that the cable network won't renew the show. No reason is given as to why Lifetime wouldn't renew the show, but I suspect it has something to do with money. The show gets a good rating for the network, and the better the rating the more the actors expect to be paid (and why shouldn't they share in the loot if the network is making money hand over fist?). Hopefully a deal is made and a fifth season happens. There are more stories to tell. Like how is Frank going to handle his new daughter? Will Roxie manage life without Pamela and Trevor? Will Joan get injured again? And on and on it goes.

We'll have to keep our eyes open for info. It'll suck if the end of season four is the end of the series, but if it is, at least went out on a high, somewhat happy note.





- Am I the only one already tired of "The Event"?: Jesus Christ, man, every five minutes there's a fucking commercial for this upcoming Fall show on NBC. "What is the Event?" At this point, who gives a shit?

Okay, that may be a tad harsh. The show looks and sounds interesting. Blair Underwood is the President of the United States (I remember when he was on either Keenan Ivory Wayans' late night talk show or on Dennis Miller's and he was "upset" that, in "Deep Impact," the country finally had a black President in Morgan Freeman and the world was coming to an end). That lesbian chick from "ER," Laura Innes, is some kind of alien or demon or super being that needs to be kept under wraps by the government. Zeljko Ivanek is an evil government agent. There's going to be a massive plane crash that may or may not be an assassination attempt on the President. There's a secret military base in the Arctic or something (it' snowing in the scene in question, so I assume it's the Arctic). And the President is pissed off about not knowing shit ahead of time (like what "the Event" is). Again, I'm interested to find out what the hell this show is supposed to be about.

But, for the love of God, can we please slow down on the advertising? Maybe only every second commercial break? The commercials keep showing all sorts of mysterious stuff but it doesn't even bother to explain, in any way, what the hell the show is supposed to be about. And NBC is actually advertising the show as the next "Lost." which sounds like bad juju. What if audiences, especially the "Lost" people, don't think the show is like "Lost" and instead think it's more like "24"? Wouldn't it be better if NBC just engaged in "generic" advertising, with commercials with quotes like "Mind-blowing!," "Awesome," "Will keep you guessing!," stuff like that? That seems like a better strategy.

Now, I know part of the allure of the show is the mystery of what the hell "the Event" is. But wouldn't it be in NBC's best interests to give the world a hint as to what to expect? I mean, if it's about aliens or demons or that time travel bullshit where people from the future come to the past to warn everyone about something, isn't that going to eliminate a large segment of the general audience?

What happens to NBC if this show flops spectacularly out of the gate? How long will the network keep it on the air before giving up on it, or moving it to Saturday nights, where it will then be abandoned again due to low ratings? Will NBC give the show to the Sci-Fi Channel (they are part of the same media company)?

"The Event" better be worth it.

- My idea for a spin-off of "The Closer"- "The Closer" is one of the most successful shows in cable TV history. It's got a high rating, it wins awards (star Kyra Sedgwick recently won the Emmy for Best Actress), and it's a critical darling, which always helps stroke the ego of the show creators because critics know what "art" is. It's a win-win for just about everyone involved. So what should a spin-off of the show look like in the event that TNT wants one (and why wouldn't they?)?

I think any spin-off would have to involve at least one of the show's major secondary characters. The network could probably bring in a "star" to do a show set within the same world as "The Closer," but, to me, that wouldn't be as much fun as seeing one Brenda Lee Johnson's team getting his or her own show. Why bring in someone new when you've already got plenty of great characters to work with?



In my "The Closer" spin-off, Lt. Provenza (Captain Thadeus Harris of the Metropolitan Police Academy hisself, G.W. Bailey) would be the star. He'd be on his own, as either a retired cop/private investigator, or one of those investigators that work for the District Attorney's office (sort of like Lennie Briscoe did on "Law & Order: Trial by Jury"). The show could probably have Provenza leading a team of younger detectives who investigate "lesser" crimes, which could work, but I'd much rather see a show that's all about Provenza. If you saw the recent episode of "The Closer" where Provenza, after picking up two stewardesses at the airport, gets caught up in an international drug smuggling operation, is sort of what I'd like to see in terms of tone for the spin-off. The spin-off shouldn't be dour or serious; it should be funny and chock full of humor. It'd be gallows humor because Provenza would investigate lots of murders, but it would still be funny (sort of like how "Monk" was funny and somewhat dark at the same time).

I think Bailey could handle the top spot on a TV show. He's always been an interesting actor and he knows how to make audiences laugh (he was always one of the funnier people in the "Police Academy" movies). And from his work on "The Closer" he can obviously handle the "serious" stuff. So what the heck is TNT waiting for?

The network is probably waiting for Bailey to de-age and become about twenty five years younger. Because that's what networks (and audiences according to those networks) are interested in. Younger people. Hip and edgy types. No one but "old" people want to see a show about "old" people.

Or the network would pull some kind of bullshit where the spin-off takes place in a different part of California (like San Diego or something) and the lead is a woman, Brenda's protégé no one knew about or her old rival at the CIA (remember when the show made a big deal out of how Brenda was trained by the CIA?). Natasha Henstridge isn't doing anything at the moment, is she?




- Mary Hart is leaving "Entertainment Tonight": Mary Hart, who has been with the tabloid gossip entertainment news show for twenty eight years, recently announced that she's going to be leaving the show at the end of the current season to "do something else" (she actually said that she's "ready for a change"). That's depressing.

Why is it depressing? Because when Hart leaves that means the show's producers are going to replace her with someone younger and perkier. Well, what's wrong with that? Because when gossip entertainment news shows get younger and perkier hosts they slowly become vacuous borefests, like "Extra," which is just awful. Does the world really need another show like that?

Yes, I'm actually talking about "ET" like it's an actual important news show. It's always been a show that deals in sleaze and gossip, which is what the celebrity world has always been about (it's all about finding dirt on famous people because that's what audiences care about. Dirt). The show doesn't trade in anything overly important. But Hart always gave the show a kind of integrity that the other shows didn't (and still don't) have. She knew how to host the show, how to intro a story and, sometimes, how to report a story. And she never looked like an idiot.

So what the heck is Hart going to do after she leaves the show? Is she going to get a network show somewhere, maybe work for the E! channel, or do a show on Headline News (she'd make a good guest host for Joy Behar). Is she going to become an actor? Maybe do more voice work? Or is she going to lead some charity that helps people around the world?

And who the hell is ET going to get to replace Hart? What douchebag are they going to hire? Who the hell has integrity in the entertainment news world?


And finally,




- Why do people give a shit about any of the "Real Housewives"?: This "Real Housewives" shit is getting on my nerves. Who the fuck made these scumbags important? It sure as hell wasn't me. And I don't know anyone who actually watches these fucking shows, so who the fuck is watching this shit, besides the women on "The View" and the assholes on the entertainment news shows?

I don't give a flying fuck about any of these people. They're a bunch of rich jagoffs who bitch and argue and whine about total bullshit, and I'm supposed to give a fuck about their lives? They're a bunch of rich cunts that are engaged in mortal combat with other rich cunts to see who is the biggest, richest cunt. Oh my God, they fought in a restaurant! One of them was denied entrance into a club! And they want more money from the network (Bravo. Remember when Bravo was an arts channel?)! They deserve it because the assholes on "Jersey Shore" are making lots of money!

How are these people "fascinating?" I actually heard someone say that (it was some Hollywood celebrity. I can't remember which one. I think it was a woman). "Fascinating?" Are you shitting me? These people are not fascinating at all. They're just awful, awful people. Perhaps if there was only one of these shows, sort of a "Dateline" two hour special on rich assholes and their asshole wives.

I mean, am I supposed to feel sorry for these fucking people? Am I supposed to feel sad for them, because their lives are so difficult? Fuck that. I don't give a fuck about their life stress and their ongoing ordeals. Fuck them. They married a bunch of assholes, and they likely knew what they were getting into ahead of time, so they have no one to blame but themselves.

I can't wait for this "Housewives" bullshit to end. The next "big reality show thing" will likely be as annoying as "Housewives," but I'm willing to start living through that if the "Housewives" thing ended right now.

Will that happen? Of course not. Because these Housewives people are "fascinating."

Jesus Christ.

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And now, a shameless plug for TLC



"Hoarding: Buried Alive" is still running strong on Sunday nights at 10pm (those are new episodes. TLC usually has a few rerun episodes on before that). Apparently there are lots of people out there with serious hoarding issues that enjoy having their plight documented for television. Be sure to check out the latest "Buried Alive" story this Sunday. The following preview isn't a preview of this Sunday's episode, but it is a good example of what to expect:




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Strange Thoughts

Well, I actually only have one Strange Thought for you this issue. I usually have two Strange Thoughts for you, but sometimes my soul killing day job only facilitates one Strange Thought. It happens. So anyway, enjoy.

- Isn't it about time that "The Simpson's" do a massive multiple episode/TV movie type deal where the show corrects its continuity?



I mean, yeah, the only people who actually care about TV continuity are nerds and geeks and other assorted people on the internets, but I think it would make for great event television. Think about all of the hilarious inside jokes the writers could make about how the show/story resembles a major comic book continuity fixing (sort of like how Marvel and DC do every now and then when all of their books get confusing). And think about all of the inside jokes the writers could make about the show and how none of it makes sense anymore.

Take, for instance, how Marge and Homer have two "when we met" stories, one taking place in the late 1970's and one that takes place in the 1990's. Which one is the real one? Is Grandpa Simpson still a World War II vet, or is he just some crazy old guy now living in a home? How the fuck old is Ned Flanders now? Is he still in his sixties, or has his life story changed again? When did Maude die? Is Maude still a part of Ned's past life?



I'm kind of surprised that an episode like this hasn't already happened. The Comic Book Guy once commented, during an episode where the Simpson family owned a race horse, how the family already had a horse in a previous episode. That could be where the story takes off.

It'll never happen, though. Maybe it'll happen in the comic books put out by Bongo comics. The TV show, though, it's been on twenty years. The show is probably beyond continuity by now. It would be pretty cool, though, to see the show's writers try to pull it off, wouldn't it?


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The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.





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And now, Dr. Phil.





"Someone asked me the other day if I would ever consider fucking Nancy Grace. At first, I said absolutely no fucking way. She's just not my type. She's too dumpy for my tastes. And that face of hers is awfully stretchy. That nose isn't all that attractive, either.

But then I got to thinking that Nancy would probably be a pretty good fuck. She's ugly, yeah, but she's not ugly enough to be completely repulsive. She's got blonde hair, which is always a plus, and she's got a nice rack. I was watching her one night and it looked like she had some hefty tits there. And by hefty I mean big and firm, not sagging. And if she wears one of those super tight push up bra things, well, that's always fun. Bulging cleavage is one of my favorite things.

So, yeah, I'd probably fuck her. I'd go down on her, she'd definitely go down on me. Fuck, man, look at that mouth of hers. It's a cock garage. I bet she likes it when you stick it under her tongue."

Jesus Christ, Phil. What the hell is the matter with you?



"Look, man, I called up Rachael Ray and asked if I could stick my thumb in her ass. I was a gentleman about it, and she told me to go fuck myself. And after what I said about Robin a few weeks ago that bitch won't let me do anything to her. Nancy looks like she could use a good, hearty fuck. And I've got the cock to do it."

You're a sick man, Phil. A sick, sick man.



"Go fuck yourself."

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. The unjustly hated (in my opinion) "Toxic Avenger III: The Last Temptation of Toxie" was on there last week. Is it still there?Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look.



If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).


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"Live Evil" is now on DVD!



"Live Evil," the movie I've been talking about for close to a year and reviewed here is now on DVD and available to purchase.

It's been a long time coming but "Live Evil" is finally on store shelves all over the country. If you don't have a reputable DVD seller near you (and by reputable I mean a seller that deals in damn near everything that comes out on DVD, from major studio releases to small independent movies like "Live Evil") go to the movie's website and order it from there or you can go here to amazon. You can also rent the flick from various video rental places, but you'll have to go to those places to find out if they have it.

The DVD contains the following:

- Unrated movie
- 5.1 Surround Sound
- Audio commentary with director Jay Woelfel, producer Mark Terry, and Mark Hengst ("Benedict")
- Deleted scenes
- Q & A with star Tim Thomerson and director Jay Woelfel at Fangoria LA convention
- Tim Thomerson intro from Flashback Weekend 2009
- Promo video of "Live Evil" at Fangoria Weekend of Horror 2009
- Theatrical trailer
- And more!

With all of those cool special features how could you not want to own "Live Evil"?

So go out right now (well, you can wait until after you finish reading this column) and purchase "Live Evil." You'll be glad you did.

Long live the Priest!






***

Special Comment: Thoughts on the 2010 Emmy Awards




Well, the 62nd Annual Emmy Awards show is over, the awards have been given out, and for the most part it was a pretty decent show. Jimmy Fallon did a great job as the host (he's really coming into his own as a show host in general. "Late Night" isn't as annoying as it used to be). The musical bit he did at the beginning was pretty funny (the Betty White thing stunk right up until she told that kid from "Glee" off. Then the bit paid off). And the little bits he did with the guitar throughout the show were funny. Julianna Margulies really needs to learn how to throw a stage slap, though. She wasn't even close.

Fallon's best bit of the night, though, was the bit where he said that Tom Selleck was his real father. He said it, then came out and hugged Selleck as he was coming out to present an award. The white jackets are what sold the bit (that and Selleck going along with it. He could have been a real douche and played it all like "What the fuck was that about?"). The only bit that didn't work for Fallon was the one where he sang the songs about the shows that left TV. The bit started strong, but then it sort of petered out. Overall, though, Fallon did a great job and I wouldn't mind seeing him host again in the future.



I was kind of surprised that "Modern Family" cleaned up on the comedy side of things. Going into the show it was allegedly a toss up between "MF" and "Glee," and I figured that "Glee" had the inside track because... well, I don't know why I thought that. Maybe it was the whole "musical" aspect of the show. And since Jane Lynch seems to be everywhere, why not give her show all of the awards? Hooray for Lynch's win, by the way. She's great, and she deserves to win (I wonder if this win will prevent her from appearing on "Criminal Minds" again).

Hooray for Jim Parsons, Dr. Sheldon Cooper on "The Big Bang Theory," for winning Best Actor in a comedy (finally, someone else besides Alec Baldwin). His speech was a little weird (why the hell was he so nervous?) but, hey, he won. Yeah for him.

Over on the drama side of things, "Mad Men" won for the third straight year. I was rooting for "The Good Wife" but I knew that was a fool's errand. With the two stars of "Breaking Bad" winning the male actor awards and Kyra Sedgwick winning Best Actress, it seems as though, for the time being, if you have a show on network TV the best you're going to get is a nomination. You're not going to win. That's a bit unfair, but that's just the way it is. Are these cable shows really that much better?

Sedgwick's win was a bit of surprise. I thought January Jones was going to win, or maybe Margulies. Not Sedgwick. I figured that ship had already sailed and that her nomination was like Mariska Hargitay's nomination: just a name of a woman on TV. It was good to see Sedgwick win, though. She's been doing great work for five years now.

"The Amazing Race" lost "Best Reality Competition Show" to "Top Chef," which was shocking since "Amazing Race" always wins. Where the heck was Steven Seagal's show in the "Year in Reality" montage? I expected to see at least a half second snippet of Seagal in his police uniform, but for whatever reason it didn't happen. And does Conan O'Brien's "The Tonight Show" not winning best variety show mean anything? Was it a conspiracy?

Holy shit, Amy Poehler has a nice rack (go here to check it out). Will Arnett is one lucky guy.

Why didn't they have "Best Animated Program" during the show?

When are these awards show people going to stop this "live singing during the In Memoriam" segment of the show? It never works. I will say, though, that the Emmy people didn't do that moving camera bullshit like the Oscars did that one year, where the dead people are in the background where you can't see them. But this live music stuff has got to end. Jewel's song was okay, but the segment always comes off better when the show uses somber instrumental music. It's simple, it's respectful, and it doesn't distract from the dead. I hope that this is the last time we see this segment done this way. I know it isn't, but I can fucking hope.



So now we have to wait until next year for the next Emmy show. If Fallon doesn't come back, who would you like to see host the show? Do you think NBC would ask Will Forte? He probably won't be doing anything.

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The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to Glenn Beck, for his insane psycho teabagger rally this past Saturday in Washington D.C. Glenn, the 2009 TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Year, tried to make people believe that his Washington rally was a non-political gathering meant to both "celebrate America" and "restore America's honor," whatever the hell that means. I really don't understand who Glenn was trying to fool with this "non-political" bullshit. The rally was completely political and was all about rallying the ultra right wing religious fanatic teabagger base to vote in November. Why do you think Sarah Barracuda was there? To talk about her "soldier son" and how she's a "soldier's Mom?" Give me a fucking break. Why do you think Glenn was foaming at the mouth about God and America "returning to God?"

Because he wants that crowd, and the ones watching at home on C-SPAN or on Fox News to get excited. America is in mortal danger, don't you know. Our country is run by a Godless Muslim from Kenya (he's not even an American!) and a bunch of radical left wing socialist Communist atheists hell bent on surrendering to Al Qaeda! Does it make any sense? Of course not, but then who has time for sense? It's about restoring honor and America and taking back the country!

Why does this shit keep happening? Where the hell is the "liberal media" to take these people down? Why does anyone take Glenn Beck seriously?

Jesus Christ.




And then there's New York Republican gubernatorial candidate Rick Lazio, for his recent campaign commercial exploiting 9/11 and the alleged "Ground Zero Mosque." Lazio, perhaps the worst politician in the history of New York state, is getting his ass handed to him by Democratic candidate Andrew Cuomo, and there's a real chance he might lose the upcoming Republican primary to the insane Carl Paladino, so he's decided that the only way he can stand a chance is to try to out insane Paladino and rile up the "upstaters" with thoughts of Cuomo being "too scared" to investigate the mosque's financial backers (there's nothing to investigate because, at the moment, no money has been raised).

Rick, you're not going to win the governorship. Just accept it, let Carl humiliate himself in the debates, and move on. Take a nice cushy job on Fox News. You can join your buddy Sean Hannity every Monday and Wednesday, right after Dick "the polls show they're 50-40 so they're really even" Morris.



And finally there's ABC and the producers of "Dancing with the Stars," for picking Bristol Palin and that "Situation" douchebag to appear on the next edition. Are the producers really trying to tell us that there are no other notable C-list celebrities out there that can do this fucking show? Hopefully, both Palin and that "Jersey Shore" jagoff get voted off the show quickly so I don't have to listen to endless speculation on how far they can go. Because that's all the gossip tabloid shows are going to talk about. Bristol and the Situation! Jesus Christ.

Who will be the first major media person to wonder "Will the Situation impregnate the abstinence advocate?"

***

And now, your weekly "Jericho" update




Still nothing concrete to report on the last three issues of the "Jericho" comic book. The book's creators are still looking for a new publishing home, as Devil's Due is still in the midst of severe financial difficulties. The word now is if the last three issues find a new home and the subsequent trade paperback graphic novel does well, CBS will think about making a movie. So that's something to look forward to and think about.

I just wish someone really close to the situation (you know, on the inside) would send an e-mail out or post something on a "Jericho" messageboard somewhere. Just what the heck is the hold up here? How much longer do we have to wait?

That rumor that I talked about last issue is still just that, a rumor. I'd imagine, though, that if the fourth issue is coming out on the 7th we'd have already heard about it. We'll see, I guess.

Keep checking out http://www.savingjericho.com and http://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff (what's going on with the Epix thing?). Go here to find a local comic book shop near you if you haven't done so already. It's always good to know where your local comic book shop is regardless.

And go here to buy the entire "Jericho" series in one DVD collection. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

Long live "Jericho"!





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Indycar and NASCAR thoughts





Did you get a chance to check out the Izod Indycar Series event at the Chicagoland Speedway Saturday night? If you didn't, man, you missed one hell of a race. There was passing all over the track (they were four wide several times), there were plenty of different drivers in the mix (Dan Wheldon showed he still has what it takes to run up front, and somehow Marco Andretti didn't fuck up in the middle of the race. And how about Sarah Fisher holding her own in second place?

You have to feel for Penske driver Will Power. On the road and street courses this year he's been just about unbeatable (he, in fact, won the inaugural Mario Andretti Road and Street Trophy last week). But when it comes to the ovals, he's fast but something happens at the end that prevents a good finish. For whatever reason his team messed up his pit strategy and Power ended up having to pit one more time for fuel and ended up sixteenth. Dario Franchitti, last year's champion and currently in second place in the points, gained on Power after winning the race (one of the closest finishes in Indycar Series history). Can Power figure out the ovals in time to beat back Franchitti's coming challenge? Kentucky is this Saturday night, so we'll see if Power and his team learned anything.

What the heck does Danica Patrick have to do to catch a break? She was competitive for most of the race, but then everything fell apart for her and she ended up in the second ten. Justin Wilson finally had a good oval experience. And it was good to see Ed Carpenter back in action (it'll be interesting to see if he can run up front this Saturday at Kentucky. Last year he finished second to Ryan Briscoe in a barnburner of a race).

Now, the sad news coming out of Chicagoland (sad, but no unexpected) is that, despite the awesome race, the series probably won't come back next season. It's "too fast and dangerous" (what the hell are they going to say next year when they have two races in one night at Texas?) and the crowd wasn't all that great. And with the possibility of going back to the Milwaukee Mile, Indycar President Randy Bernard has said that it wouldn't be a good idea to have two races in the same general area.

But Bernard is trying to get a race at the Road America road course for next year, which is in Wisconsin. So apparently it's okay to have two races in the same general area as long as they're on a road course and an oval that has serious financial issues and could be a parking lot in the near future. Makes all the sense in the world.



The other big news in the Indycar world involves the new car for 2012. According to the Speed Channel website a majority of the owners don't like the proposed new car and are upset that they weren't consulted about it beforehand. They're worried about how much the new car will cost, apparently. And a bunch of them are pissed off that the series didn't pick the Delta Wing car (like Chip Ganassi, as he was one of the Delta Wing's big backers). Check out this article by Marshall Pruett as it explains in some detail what the owners are upset about.

Man, are we about to see another split? CART III vs the new IRL?

Be sure to watch this Saturday night on Versus. Kentucky should be great.



Over in NASCAR world, the Sprint Cup series was off and the Nationwide Series was in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, at the Circuit Gilles Villeneuve road course, where road racing ringer Boris Said picked up his first career Nationwide win in one of the best races of the season. Yes, it took a while for the drivers to get sorted out and stop crashing (how many yellows were there at the beginning of the race? Five?), but once they stopped crashing it was a great race. Freaking Marcos Ambrose can't catch a break anywhere except Watkins Glen, as he had the car to beat all day, only to have two back-to-back issues to put him out of the race.

And then Carl Edwards, who looked like he was going to cruise away with the race, broke something and ended up in the pits. And then fucking Robby Gordon ran out of fuel while leading with only a handful of laps to go. When the hell is he going to catch a break?

Jacques Villeneuve did an amazing job not fucking up his brakes and was a serious factor at the end (he ended up finishing third, which I believe is his best NASCAR finish to date. He needs to get a full-time ride in either Cup or Nationwide. He deserves it. I mean, come on, he's a fucking Indy 500 winner and an F-1 World Champion. How does he not rate at least a look?). And "Mad" Max Papis drove the wheels off that KHI #33. Papis almost had the race won. If only he had a little more speed.

Boris Said reportedly said over the radio that he's going to win a Cup race next. If he can get in a good car, I bet he'll do it, probably at Infineon. Probably.

Steven Wallace is a piece of shit. After getting wrecked by road racing ace Ron Fellows, Wallace had the fucking nerve to call Fellows' racing skills into question. Son, when you win the 24 Hours of Daytona and the 24 Hrs of Lemans, and win at least one fucking time in NASCAR (Fellows has six wins between the Nationwide and Trucks series), maybe then you can tell Ron Fellows he doesn't know what he's doing on a road course. Until then, shut the fuck up. And stop acting like you got to where you are in NASCAR though hard work and determination. You drive for your fucking father, man.

The Cup series is back in action this Sunday night at Atlanta. It should be a good race (last year's Labor Day event at Atlanta was pretty decent). Will Jimmie Johnson bounce back or will he continue to fall?

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That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, let me get a package of condoms. Oh, and I guess I'll need some Excedrin too because Lois has a headache "this big". Hah-hah! Did you see? It's like from the commercial, only I pointed at my junk.

Mort Goldman:All right, Peter. That'll be $7.22

Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, Mort, I didn't bring any money.

Mort Goldman: Well, I suppose I could just open up a tab...

Peter Griffin: What, you mean I wouldn't have to pay you?

Mort Goldman: Well, not right away...

Peter Griffin: In that case let me get this stack of Marie Claires, you know, in case I want to rub out the easy one before we start."


That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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