A Fool's Utopia 9.02.10: Five by Five - The Summer Edition

Posted by Ron Martin on 09.02.2010

This week in one man's utopia we take on five lists of five concerning summer movies, tv shows and high school movies to name a few. Also on the agenda, we finally fill out the last of our RETRO Expendables team, my picks for Dancing with the Stars and the Super Bowl as well as a look at The Burbs.

I haven't done one of these since I think last Christmas, so what the hell? Here's a five by five covering the summer and the upcoming fall season.

FIVE BEST MOVIES I SAW THIS SUMMER



1. Toy Story 3
2. Trick R Treat
3. Zombieland
4. Boondock Saints II
5. Alice in Wonderland

It's fairly obvious that I didn't get to the theater as much as I wanted to this summer. I wanted to see both Despicable Me and The Expendables but lacked the time to do so. That being said, my list is pretty weak with one summer movie, one movie kind of at the beginning of the summer and three older movies that I just now got around to seeing. Toy Story 3 was amazing. How did we, as a culture, get so emotionally vested in a toybox full of talking toys. Like always, PIXAR mixed comedy, action and drama brilliantly. In my defense, Trick R Treat never made its way into theaters, though it is better than 90% of the schlock put out the last few years. It's a great Halloween movie that's both creepy and fun. Sam will be a boogie man character to reckon with for years to come. I raved about how much I liked Zombieland a few columns ago. As for the Boondock Saints, it's incredibly difficult for a sequel to have high expectations and still deliver. Boondock Saints II delivered. Alice rounds out the top five even though there has been a backlash against it lately. I thought it was a good movie, especially enjoying the color schemes and the Red Queen.

FIVE BEST TV SHOWS (WITH NEW EPISODES)



1. Futurama
2. Man vs. Food
3. Warehouse 13
4. Mad Men
5. Bert the Conqueror

I never thought I'd see a new episode of Futurama, having seen every episode in syndication. I did. I never thought the new episodes would hold up the silliness of the first few seasons. They do. They even got rid of those two little punk kids that threaten to be a shark jumping device late in the first round of the show. It's an easy "series record" on the ol' DVR. Man vs. Food has a winning formula with the right guy standing in front of the camera week in and out. It helps that in this new season, Adam hit my hometown and a couple of restaurants that I actually eat at. I've liked Warehouse 13 since its inception. It's a nice concept with enough quirks to keep it interesting. I was afraid the twists at the end of the first season would dampen the show somewhat, but it has managed to stay in the ballpark of quality thus far. Some have bemoaned the decline of Mad Men, but I think that's just because it's what the "cool kids" do. The show is still one of the better shows on TV – especially in the summer. I was pleasantly surprised by Bert the Conqueror. It's a format very similar to Man vs. Food, only involving adrenaline pumping rides and events instead of food. Hey, if a format works, why change it?


BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL "TOP FIVE HIGH SCHOOL MOVIES"



1. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
2. Sixteen Candles
3. American Pie
4. Dazed and Confused
5. Summer School

First off, Fast Times is a classic for a reason. Not only do you get one of the great tit shots of all time, but you get comedy mixed with some reality. Jeff Spicoli is one of the greatest high school characters known to man and he is worth the watch even is he is just a subplot. You can't have a high school movie list without a John Hughes movie. I could have filled this list with nothing but John Hughes movies. Of the high school ones, Sixteen Candles is my favorite. The simple moments of the film only made the absurd moments stand out that much more. How many great quotes did we get from this one? There's Something About Mary changed the game, but American Pie up the ante. The many terrible sequels may have watered it down, but let's not forget how good the first movie was from a naked Shannon Elizabeth, to the pale ale to the *ahem* coitus with a pastry, what's not to love? I never thought I'd like a movie with both Matthew McConaughey and Ben Affleck, but a movie that highlights the 70s burnout high school culture seemed to do the trick. Casting Parker Posey always helps. Forgot about Summer School, didn't you? Mark Harmon, Kirstie Allie, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Shawnee Smith and the king of the 80s B Movie – Dean Cameron. When you like the kind of movies that I like, Dean Cameron becomes an important figure in your life. Plus, what other movie has such a homage to Texas Chainsaw Massacre?


FIVE THINGS I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS FALL



1. October TV
2. NFL Opening Weekend
3. The Walking Dead
4. Halloween Candy
5. Ghost hunting

Screw sweeps month, October is the best month for TV all year. Laying down on the couch on a random evening, you'll have your choice of any number of the seemingly unlimited horror flicks that all the channels like to run all month. Add that to various Halloween specials and Halloween episodes of your favorite TV shows, and what could be better? NFL Opening Weekend comes close. On any given NFL Sunday, I'll take in the better part of 2 sometimes 3 games. On opening weekend, I'll watch the opening Thursday game, three games on Sunday and both games on Monday. That's a lot of football, but I love it. I've already noted my anticipation of The Walking Dead. Why hasn't anyone thought of a zombie series before? Second only to Easter candy, I find it hard to shed the pounds when bags and bags of new and old Halloween candy on the shelves. It's a proven fact that a picture of Frankenstein makes any candy approximately 32.7% tastier. Finally, maybe it's because of the season, but for some reason, ghost hunting always produces more results for me in the fall. It's a lot more fun hanging out all night in early October than it is in mid-February.

FIVE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND



1. Katy Perry
2. Why Do Jennifer Aniston and Megan Fox keep getting movie roles?
3. 3D
4. Why are the Smurfs in New York?
5. Jersey Shore

Before this summer, my experiences with Katy Perry was limited to seeing various pictures at 411Music. She's good looking girl, who is blessed in the right areas. This summer I actually heard some of her songs and saw her perform on the MTV Music Awards. This may be my age talking, but I don't get it. In the songs that I've heard, you can't actually hear a human voice. Is she even necessary? Couldn't they just give a computer fake boobs and put it in front of a microphone? Along the same lines, Jennifer Anniston and Megan Fox got paid money to once again bomb on the big screen. Fine, they're hot. Apparently they're not hot enough that anyone wants to watch them attempt to act. My disdain for most things 3d have been well documented. I only like 3D when it's used as camp like in Piranha 3D. It's not going to stop anytime soon, is it? The five second clip that I saw of computer animated Smurfs popping their heads up in New York (I assumed it was New York) completely turned me off to having any desire to see this movie when it comes out. That's called "getting too cute" kids. As for the Shore, whenever it's mentioned on this site, people seemed to hate it, but everywhere I turn. Snooki wore a weird dress and it was the top story on Yahoo. I can't blame them for taking advantage of the public attention, but why is the public still paying attention?



IT CAME FROM THE $5 BIN!



I can't lie to you guys. You all have such innocent angelic faces – except for that guy (you know who you are) – I can't stare into your face and lie. I sort of cheated this week on the $5 bin movie. Usually, I try to score a movie I haven't seen or movies that I'm not sure of what I would rate them so that I can be pretty fair with the rating. I bought this movie because I saw it sitting there for $5 (actually it's paired with The Money Pit so it's technically $2.50), knowing that I love the movie and am going to give it a perfect score. Hey, I needed it in my collection. The Burbs is a typical Joe Dante film. It's got memorable characters, dark comedy and is just solid with little to no weak points.



The Burbs was filmed back when Tom Hanks was funny. Yes, for everyone under 30, the man who spent the 90s raking in big bucks for being known as perhaps the best actor in Hollywood spent the 80s in buddy flicks and physical comedy movies. The Burbs definitely comes down in the middle of that latter category. Hanks is your suburban everyman, living on the Mayfield Place cul-de-sac. A lot of the mess that Ray (Hanks) finds himself in can be attributed to the overactive imagination of Art, his cul de sac mate. Perhaps we most identify with Corey Feldman's Ricky as we just sit back and watch the events of this odd suburban neighborhood take shape. Only we're not having a party full of lame-O's. Unless something's going one amongst my readers that I don't know about.

I'm sure there is some symbolic parallel between this movie and the doldrums of every day suburban life, but I just have too much fun watching the movie to worry about that kind of thing. Ultimately, The Burbs is the story of bored men trying to create some excitement for themselves by believing their strange neighbors are mass murderers. Maybe it's in the coveted "y" chromosome because I've lived in places where the odd goings on of my neighbors raised an eyebrow or two. When you see a large explosion come out of a neighbors backyard, followed by the woman walking over and asking if she still has eyebrows, your mind tends to wonder. Enough about me, back to Ray and the Klopeks. The Burbs may be the peek of Tom Hanks work as a comedy actor (we're not counting voice work). Mix that with the fun that Joe Dante brings to the screen and great supporting actors and we, my dear, have a winner. It's worth a watch just to see Hanks and the gang worm their way into the Klopeks. 5/5

FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. SPORTS THOUGHTS:

a. I keep hearing about how hated the Miami Heat are. Of course I hate them, but I dislike most teams because I'm old and I hate everything. I should mention that I haven't seen one Miami Heat jersey around here – yet. Something tells me that like everything else, once we're 20 games into the season and they have 16 wins, all that hatred will go away. Funny how winning fixes everything.

b. Speaking of winning, I have to tell year I'm a little worried about my Colts. It should be noted that I am pessimist, so this is no surprise. However, it should also be noted that this is by far the most worried I've been about them going into a season. They looked like a JV team playing the Packers the other night. I take solace in the fact that more than most teams, the Colts use the preseason to try new packages and are as vanilla as you can get. I am noted dislike of Coach Caldwell. I think he's nothing more than a puppet. He's the Wade Phillips of the AFC.


c. Speaking of the Packers (you like these transitions, don't you?), I had them and Baltimore as my Super Bowl favorites. Nothing the two teams have done in the preseason has changed my mind. It's the sports media. Almost everyone who has made a Super Bowl has picked Green Bay and Baltimore. These guys are wrong 100% of the time. I have to change my answer. Common sense says that neither of these teams will make it because the media thinks both of them will make it.

d. I did a rare thing this past Monday Night. I DVR'd Monday Night RAW. It's only the third wrestling show I've DVR'd this year (the other two being Bret's return to the WWE and TNA's Free-Per-View a couple of weeks ago). I DVR'd it because I figured there would be old clips and special guest appearances from people we haven't seen in a long time. Instead, I got one of most boring episodes I've ever seen. Aside from the Taker/Kane stuff (which I like) and the CM Punk promo, I would have been happy to miss everything else. I'll go back to watching RAW like I usually do – reading the recaps on 411Wrestling and then youtubing anything I think I might want to see.


e. For all of you (at least 2, right?) wondering how the draft went in the Keeper league where I traded Drew Brees in order to get a top runner (Shonne Green, Ryan Matthews or Cedric Benson). I turned the trade into Jonathan Stewart and Dallas Clark. I got screwed by the guy whom I knew wouldn't take two running backs in the first three rounds not showing up for the draft and the computer drafting him two running backs. I nabbed Joe Flacco a few picks later in the fourth round, but I am not happy about the results. I knew I was going to get screwed on that one.



2. A few months ago, I did a column encompassing the entire Tremors movie franchise. The movies are incredibly fun and the attention to continuity is like no other horror franchise I've seen. At the time I mentioned there was a short 13 episode run of a Tremors TV show that aired on SciFi (before it was SYFY). Finally, the series has been released on DVD – for $20! I'm not a cheapskate, but that's more dollars than there are episodes. I figured that Tremors was obscure enough that it's going eventually be in the $5 bin. A week later, it's $15. Oh, I want this set, but I'm trying to play it smart. I'm totally going to get screwed here, aren't I?

3. I am guessing Paris Hilton would like to challenge Las Vegas well known slogan "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" right about now.


4. I am no fan of reality TV. I've never watched a single minute of Idol. As a teenager I watched approximately 1 ½ seasons of The Real World before it was just pretty people having sex in hot tubs. As an adult I watched one season of The Surreal Life. Outside of the occasional weight loss show, reality TV doesn't appeal to me. I should correct that. I enjoy shows like Ghost Hunters International, Pawn Stars, Ice Road Truckers and the like. Shows that show people doing their job interest me. That's a different kind of reality to me.



That being said, I do enjoy it when they announce the new lineup for each season of Dancing with the Stars. I enjoy it for two reasons. First, I enjoy seeing what kind of pull the show has. How big are the celebrities it can get? I don't think we're in danger of seeing a Dancing with contestants like Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Edie Falco anytime soon. Secondly, I enjoy looking at the lineup and picking a favorite. I verify each week that my favorite didn't get eliminated by asking a lady that I work with who was eliminated. Last season, I correctly picked the Top Two and the first elimination, but was also curious as to how far Kate Gosselin could ride her faux fame through the competition.

My take on this year's lineup: Bristol Palin is this year's version of Kate Gosselin as we'll know real quick how many Republicans watch the show compared to the numbers of Democrats who watch the show. My guess is Dancing is more of a right wing audience, so she may make it further than Kate. Ironically, both are famous for not knowing how to use birth control. My choice for the last three are Jennifer Grey, Brandy and Rick Fox. Athletes do insanely well on this show and I'm guessing Kurt Warner dances like a white boy stereotype. Didn't Brandy used to dance? I know Jennifer Grey is trained in dancing, so that was a no-brainer. My guess for first elimination is Audrina Partridge. I only know her from pictures here at 411mania, so it's easy to imagine a lot of the Dancing audience doesn't know her at all.

5. I had a dilemma with this spot this week. I wanted to reserve this spot from here to Halloween for new Halloween items of the season. However, to do so would mean to break my rule of not shopping for Halloween items until September 1. The column is due September 1, which resulting in the aforementioned dilemma. Here's my compromise: get in the spirit. Too much Halloween too early will just burn you out before the big day anyways.





The easiest say to "get in the spirit" without overdoing it to pull out one of your favorite Halloween mood flicks. For me that probably means Hocus Pocus and/or It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Those are two flicks (or one flick and one TV special) that can instantly transport you to the day when the veil between this world and the underworld is at its thinnest. If you watch one this weekend, great! If you want to wait until after Monday (the unofficial end of summer), that's fine too. If you watch it now, it gets you in the mood, but not too much with the added bonus that you can watch it again when we get closer to Halloween without feeling guilty for so many viewings so close together.

I'll start watching my Halloween Scenes DVD (think the Christmas fireplace thing, but for Halloween) when I just need the TV on for noise. If you need noise, a second way to help your Halloween mood swings is to check out X-Entertainment's Halloween Jukebox. It's got a hundred Halloween related songs. Matt may change the songs around the closer we get to Halloween, but does it matter? There's some great heavy metal (Ministry, Rammstein), show music (This is Halloween, Beetlejuice and RETRO stuff (from both Elvira and Freddy Krueger's albums) on there. Check it out!




This Week on RETRO



Its time to finish our team of Expendables. The gang so far…


Today, we add the last two components, starting with the leader's #2, the right hand man…



HAND.

Stay with me here. I understand you know this guy as a one inch plastic pink figure. However, for the purposes of this column, we are going to pretend the hand is man sized. Think about that. A giant F'ing Hand as big as you with the meanest face known to man on one of his fingers! A SIX FOOT TALL WALKING HAND! M.U.S.C.L.E. figures may have been insanely popular when I was back in fifth and sixth grade, but everyone knew that your collection sucked unless you got HAND. I don't know that HAND is his official name, but that's what he is really known as. Need proof? Check out the definitive M.U.S.C.L.E. Guide. I assume it's definitive. The guys over at i-mockery wouldn't lie to me, right? This guy was the reason you bought trash can after trash can of these pink dudes. He wasn't a leader, he was just the angriest hand to ever enter a wrestling ring --- yes, even angrier than hardcore Socko with the barbed wire.

HAND would act as either the large thug that you have to beat to get to the big boss or the lovable, superstrong loyal giant that dies in the last reel protecting the boss. It really depends on if your team is worshipping the Devil or not. My team of Expendables is pretty ambiguous. They're tweeners. They tow the line. Nobody is safe. HAND is the one guy that the leader knows will never betray the team. Jack Burton? Yeah, he probably will. Scorpion? At the drop of a "FINISH HIM!" HAND will remain loyal to the very end, no matter how screwed up our fearless leader makes things. For the record, I still own HAND today.

The waiting is over. The team has been selected. On to our fearless leader…



I know what you're thinking – COBRA COMMANDER? He's a bumbling fool who was defeated at every turn. And wasn't he insane? That he may have been, but I present to you the case that perhaps it was the people he surrounded himself with. Cobra Commander had some great ideas and the charisma to get an army to follow him no matter how silly the plan was. That's what you want out of a leader. Was it his fault that everyone of his lieutenants constantly second guessed him and try to rebel against him? While that may happen here, we have HAND to smack down anyone who gets a little froggy. HAND really isn't bright enough to plot against Cobra Commander. Most importantly, Cobra Commander looks cool and has a cool voice that might allow him to transform into Megatron at any moment.



Don't think that I'm pigeon-holing my team into being the bad guys by electing Cobra Commander as their leader. Cobra Commander would challenge Casey Jones as the ultimate antihero. Like HAND, Cobra Commander is a slave to the cause, whatever cause that may be. What? Would you rather have that puss, Lion-O in this position? Lion-O is a walking contradiction. He defeated all of the Thundercats at the thing they are best at, yet constantly calls for their help when he gets in trouble. Hey dude, if you're stronger than Panthro, then calling Panthro to perform some strength related feat, ain't going to work. Sure, Cobra Commander is a little batshit insane, but aren't we all sometime? Do you want a leader who is bound to some honor code that doesn't allow him to kill the baddie when he catches him? No, you want a dude that will exterminate your problem without blinking an eye so that it won't cause further problems down the road. Cobra Commander wears a mask so we have no idea if he's blinking or not. That's how much of a badass he is.

That's our team. If these guys can't rescue the Earth, defeating anyone in their path, then I dare say that there is no possible combination of men and/or women who can.

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

September 2, 1987

#1 Single



"La Bamba" by Los Lobos


#1 Album


Whitney by Whitney Houston

#1 Movie



Stakeout

NOTABLE OPENS: Hamburger Hill, House 2: The Second Story

I must leave you now.