The 411 Movies Top 5 09.03.10: Week 233 - Non-Bad-Ass Roles from Bad-Ass Actors

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 09.03.2010

411's Trevor Snyder and Bryan Kristopowitz, both lovers of manly movies, take a look at some of the least bad-ass roles ever played by some of Hollywood's toughest actors.



This weekend's Machete looks to seal the deal on Danny Trejo's status as one of the most bad-ass actors working today. But as you watch him decapitate scores of bad guys in the new film, it's important to remember that Trejo already played a character named Machete in Robert Rodriguez' family film trilogy, Spy Kids. Now, I don't necessarily think this is meant to be the same Machete, but it still got me to thinking about how weird it can be when you see an actor known for their ass-kicking ways suddenly playing in much lighter fare. And so I asked Bryan Kristopowitz, one of 411's leading experts on bad-ass movies, to join me in discussing:

THE TOP 5 MOST NON-BAD-ASS ROLES FROM BAD-ASS ACTORS

TREVOR SNYDER

5. Chuck Norris, in Top Dog





If Internet legend is to be believed, I should be looking over my shoulder at this very moment as I write this. After all, how dare I write about Norris in any way that might call into question his status as the baddest of the bad-asses. But, c'mon, let's not kid ourselves and pretend there's anything even remotely bad-ass about making a cop movie where you're partnered with a dog. I mean, you don't usually hear people taking about what bad-asses Tom Hanks and Jim Belushi are, do you? Heck, at least those guys had a French Mastiff and a German Shepard, which are pretty manly dogs. Norris got a Briard. Hey, if you want to watch a movie where Chuck Norris takes on clowns and gets saved by a dog, more power to you. But I'm not afraid to admit that this is a decidedly non-bad-ass moment in the man's career, and if Norris doesn't like it he can find me and….


4. Robert DeNiro, in The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle





Alright, I'm back….false alarm. Now, as far as this particular choice goes, it's not that I'm surprised to see DeNiro in such a crappy movie (and a crappy movie it is – star Jason Alexander even issued a public apology for it). That's actually sort of become the norm for DeNiro in recent years, unfortunately. But still, there's something particularly depressing about watching the former Travis Bickle, Max Cady and Jimmy Conway playing a live-action cartoon and getting tied up and defeated by an animated moose and squirrel. Don't get me wrong, normally I'd love to see DeNiro play an over the top German dictator…just why did it have to be in this garbage?


3. Clint Eastwood, in The Bridges of Madison County





Alright, before I get any guff about this one, let me just make it clear that I'm not saying this is a bad movie. In fact, it's really the only movie on my list that I'm not saying that about. But even still, I'm not gonna lie and say that, as I guy, I wasn't internally disappointed in watching Clint play sensitive kissy-face with Meryl Streep. Sure, she was playing a married woman, so I guess there's at least a little edge to what he was doing. But it doesn't really help all that much. I would have much rather preferred that Eastwood had rolled into town planning to secretly blow-up those bridges, rather than photograph them. That might have made up for all the romance hogwash.


2. Dwayne Johnson, in The Tooth Fairy





Just look at that picture up there. That's the former "The Rock," wearing silk pajamas, screaming like a girl and sporting fairy wings.

…

I'm just gonna go ahead and stop right there.


1. Arnold Schwarzenegger, in Junior





I get why Hollywood was so eager to put Schwarzenegger into comedies. The guy is pretty funny. A lot of his more memorable one-liners from his classic ‘80s action films worked because of his unique comedic timing (no doubt aided by his thick accent). I also get why someone thought it was a funny idea to pair him with Danny DeVito for Twins, as the two couldn't be obviously couldn't be further apart physically. What I don't get is how somebody actually ended up saying "hey, remember how successful Twins was? Well, why don't we do that again…except this time Arnold will be pregnant and acting like a moody woman the entire movie!" Whoever said that should have been shot right that second, but instead the movie actually got made! And we the audience got the experience of watching perhaps the biggest action star of all time give birth. Lucky us. Next time you think Schwarzenegger's turn as Mr. Freeze was embarrassing, pop this bad boy in to remind yourself of how much worse it could be.

BRYAN KRISTOPOWITZ

5. Wesley Snipes, in Wildcats (1986)





Now, Wesley Snipes wasn't the bad ass we know him as today back in 1986, when he was getting his start in Hollywood (in fact, "Wildcats" was Snipes' first movie according to imdb.com). In "Wildcats," Snipes was the athletic funny guy, a joker that could run fast. He was a star on the Central High School football team, and he was banging a chubby cheerleader with his "ten pounds of dangling fury." He was funnier in "Major League, " but his "Wildcats" character Trumaine was good training for Willie Mays Hayes. You couldn't have one without the other. And when was the last time you saw Snipes banging anything "chubby?"


4. Kurt Russell, in Overboard (1987)





In "Overboard," Russell plays Dean Proffitt, the slovenly Oregon handyman and father of four equally slovenly sons, who kidnaps amnesiac millionaire Joanna Stayton (Goldie Hawn) and forces her to act as his dead wife Annie. Dean initiated the kidnapping/ruse as revenge against Joanna, who treated him like garbage while working on her yacht (she didn't like his oak shoe closet moving cubes and refused to pay for them. After a brief argument she pushed him off the boat and threw his tools into the water. What a bitch). Dean eventually falls for Joanna and then becomes distraught when she gets her memory back and realizes that she doesn't belong with him. Dean tries to hold it together for his boys, but he decides that he can't live without Joanna and goes after her. Is this what Snake Plissken would do? Of course not. Snake would just say "fuck it" and move on. But Dean, he's a hopeless romantic who wanted a wife and his own putt putt mini golf place. What kind of bad ass owns a mini golf place?


3. Sylvester Stallone, in Cop Land (1997)





Stallone's Sheriff Freddy Heflin is a lumpy lame ass from New Jersey with a pseudo heroic past (his one heroic deed is what caused his hearing impairment) that enjoys hanging out with the New York City cops that live in his town. The cops (Harvey Keitel, Ray Liotta, Peter Berg, John Spencer, Robert "T-1000" Patrick) are all real bad asses, which is why Freddy loves them, and he sees them as colleagues and friends. They don't reciprocate those feelings, but, hey, they let him hang out with them. That's enough. Even after Robert DeNiro tells Freddy that his buddies are corrupt scumbags he doesn't want to do anything to them. They're his friends. Things eventually go south and Freddy's "friends" turn on him (Freddy found out about the believed dead cop they were hiding out) and Freddy is forced to defend himself. It's an act of survival, though. It's righteous, sure, but Freddy was forced into it. So the ending isn't exactly a bad ass moment. Any cop that looks that awkward holding and shooting a gun (while not knowing karate) is just not a bad ass.


2. Charles Bronson, in Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus (1991)





In the TV movie "Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus," big Chuck plays a widowed newspaper writer who is assigned the task of writing back to little girl Virginia about the "truth" of Santa Claus. At no point during the movie does Chuck have to walk the streets late at night to dispatch muggers and drug dealers with his Wildey .475 or throw knives at people. Chuck just has to be a, Jesus Christ, a nice old man. I mean, come on, a widowed Chuck Bronson? He should be blasting people left and right, especially Richard Thomas and Ed Asner. But he doesn't. What a rip off, you know?


1. Ahnold Schwarzenegger, in Twins (1988)





In "Twins," Ahnold plays Julius, a genetically engineered, super smart genius that knows how to beat the shit out of people. But at heart Julius is a bit of a pacifist (he knows how to fight but he'd rather not). He's all about love and understanding and being a nice guy, especially when he goes looking for his long lost twin brother Vincent (Danny DeVito). And when he finds him, Julius acts like the protective big brother. Vincent needs his help. And that's what the rest of the movie is about, Julius helping his twin brother navigate life. Not exactly the work of a bad ass, at least in this context. Since when is Ahnold a genuinely nice guy? I mean, yeah, he lifts a car up in the movie, but he doesn't drop it on anyone. What kind of hooey is that?

Disagree with our choices? Any we missed? Be sure to share your Top 5's below. Until next time, when we'll be back with a brand new topic, have a great week everyone.