TV Rants and Raves 10.06.10: Book 'em Danno

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 10.06.2010

A Special Commentary on Ryan Reynolds, rants and raves about Hawaii Five-O, The Whole Truth, Law & Order: Los Angeles and Survivor: Nicaragua, a farewell to Stephen J. Cannell and more!

TV Rants and Raves Issue #65: In this issue I Rant and Rave about "The Whole Truth," "Law & Order: Los Angeles," "Swift Justice with Nancy Grace," "Hawaii Five-O," and "Survivor: Nicaragua," plus two more Complete Lies, a Special Commentary on why I don't like Ryan Reynolds, Rick Sanchez wins a special award, and more, plus RIP Stephen J. Cannell

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that has never tried to make a time machine out of an abandoned refrigerator, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Before I get into the main part of the column, I want to take a moment to mention the recent passing of Stephen J. Cannell, the acclaimed writer-producer of TV shows like "The A-Team," "The Rockford Files," "21 Jump Street," "Wiseguy," and countless others. Cannell died from complications from melanoma. He was 69.



When you go and look at Cannell's page on imdb page it's amazing to see just how many TV shows he did scripts for and how many TV shows he produced over the years. He got started in the very early 1970's and continued on into the 2000's, eventually getting into the business of producing low budget horror movies for home video ("Demon Hunter" and "Left in Darkness" among them. I reviewed those movies in my other column here at 411mania, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column). Cannell was also a successful crime novelist, writing sixteen novels over the years.

The man did it all. He did popular shows, critically acclaimed shows, shows that probably didn't have much chance of succeeding but he did them anyway because he thought they were cool (like that "Cobra" show. That lasted, what, one season?). He also gave us "Hunter" and "Renegade," two shows that should have their own cable channels where they run on continuous loops.

I wonder how ABC's "Castle" will handle Cannell's death. He appeared on the show as himself several times in what amounted to funny cameos alongside other famous mystery writers. I guess we'll see soon enough. It'd be cool if "Castle" ended an episode with the old "Stephen J. Cannell Productions" thing that showed up at the end of all of his TV shows. You know, the bit where we see a man, Cannell, sitting at a typewriter typing away and pulling the sheet of paper he's working on out and placing it on his desk in a flourish as the camera zooms by.



And I guess we'll see if there's any interest in bringing back any of Cannell's lesser known shows for rerun purposes. Like "Tenspeed and Brown Shoe" or "Riptide." I'd love to see those shows again.




Stephen J. Cannell 1941-2010 RIP


Man, it seems as though the entertainment world lost a lot of people last week. There was famed director Arthur Penn, who directed "Bonny and Clyde" (1967). Quentin Tarantino's editor Sally Menke died, presumably from heat stroke. The great actor Tony Curtis died after a heart attack. And stand up comedian Greg Giraldo died from an overdose. And "Titanic" actress Gloria Stuart died at the age of 100. What the hell, man?

And now, onto the main part of the column:


TV Rants and Raves





- "The Whole Truth" series premiere thoughts: "The Whole Truth" is one of the lamest lawyer shows I think I've ever seen. It's been advertised as a show that allows the audience to see the case of the week from both the prosecution side and the defense side and that, by the end, we'll find out what "really happened." In theory that premise should be fascinating. In theory, that is. In practice, finding out "the whole truth" isn't half as interesting as it's been made out to be.

The show stars Maura Tierney as Kathryn Peale, lead prosecutor, and Rob Morrow as Jimmy Brogan, defense attorney of note (I don't know what else to call him). I've never been a fan of Tierney and her four faces, and Morrow is one of the least charismatic lead actors working in TV today (people liked him on "Numbers," but "The Whole Truth" is not "Numbers"), but their interaction is the only reason to watch the show at all. Tierney's Peale can be a real douchebag sometimes, especially when she's yelling at people, and Morrow's Brogan is overly brash and unshaven (I don't think anyone has mentioned his body odor but I wouldn't be surprised if the dude smells). When they get together, though, and start trading barbs back and forth the show's energy picks up and almost gets watchable. But then they go back to their tables to interact with their underlings and the show gets lame again.

Eamonn Walker, who plays ADA Terrence "Edge" Edgecomb, gets to do the opposite of what he did in old Fox lawyer show that allowed the audience to see "what really happened," "Justice," prosecute criminals. He's a good actor but he's acting on a completely different show than everyone else. He's incredibly intense and is someone I wouldn't want to meet in a courtroom. No one else really stands out. That's sad and a bit depressing since this show has to be plot driven but clearly isn't, so there's very little reason to watch at all.

I'm not sure how ABC fixes this show to make it better. Better writing in general might help (it can't hurt). Better, more interesting plots and cases would be great. I mean, like I said, with the premise of the show being "the audience gets to see what really happened, the whole truth," the case at hand has to be interesting enough to make me care about the truth. And the people accused of those crimes should be more interesting, too. Perhaps the best way to fix this show is to scrap most of its premise, make Tierney a defense attorney, team her up with Morrow, and make it all about their tireless defense of the downtrodden or something. Or just make them defense attorneys in general, let them take on all kinds of different cases. Something has to be done.

Hopefully "The Whole Truth" is the last pointlessly gimmicky lawyer show for a while. They clearly don't work, so why keep making them, making the same mistakes over and over again?




- "Law & Order: Los Angeles" series premiere thoughts: "Law & Order: Los Angeles" isn't the best new show of the season, but then it doesn't have to be. Like the other shows in the "Law & Order" franchise, all it has to do is be solid entertainment in order to succeed. And that's exactly what "Law & Order: Los Angeles" is, solid entertainment.

The show follows the same format as the original "Law & Order," with the first act of the show dealing with the cops and the investigation of the week, the second act dealing with the prosecution of the crime from the first act. On the cop side there's Skeet Ulrich and Corey Stoll as Detectives Rex Winters and Tomas "TJ" Jaruzalski, and on the prosecution side there's Alfred Molina and Regina Hall as Deputy District Attorney Ricardo Morales and Evelyn Price. Ulrich and Stoll will apparently appear in every episode, and Molina and Hall will appear in every other episode, alternating with a prosecution team played by Terrence Howard (Jonah "Joe" Dekker) and Megan Boone (Lauren Stanton). Wanda de Jesus is on the show (I think she plays the police Ulrich's LT) and allegedly Rachel Ticotin is on the show, too (I don't remember seeing her in the first episode, though). And according to wikipedia Peter Coyote is going to be on the show as the Los Angeles District Attorney. The show does have its distinctions, though.

"Los Angeles" is a much brighter looking show (it is California, after all. New York City always looks gloomy on TV). The show also moves along at a slightly faster clip than the original "Law & Order." The music is essentially the same, and the show still has the classic "donk donk" sound effect, but the show opening is different. The show also looks like it's going to borrow a bit from "Criminal Intent" in that we get to see the people the police are investigating without the police asking them questions. Maybe that's something we're only going to see in the pilot, I don't know, but I did notice that there was at least one scene sans the cops or the prosecutors.

Ulrich is fantastic as Detective Winters. He walks, talks, looks, and acts like a veteran who has done everything and seen everything on the job. Stoll is decent as Jaruzalski, although I'm not completely comfortable with him yet. The bald head is a little off-putting, and he seems like he's having way too much fun investigating murders. Of course, his character has a history in the entertainment industry, and "Los Angeles" is going to deal with celebrity crimes from time to time (it is Los Angeles we're talking about here), so maybe that's why Stoll seemed to be having a ball in the first episode. Molina is brilliant as Morales. He's smart as hell, and he comes off as the kind of bad ass prosecutor every prosecutor wishes he or she was. Regina Hall hasn't had a chance to stand out just yet, but she did a good job as Molina's second chair. She will no doubt get a chance to shine in later episodes.

There are a few things I don't like about the show. I don't like either the police HQ or the DA's office. I understand the need to make everything look sleek and somewhat futuristic since it's Los Angeles, but the squad room comes off as a bus terminal, not a police workplace. And the DA's office looks like a waiting room. Perhaps they need to cut back on all of the glass.

"Law & Order: Los Angeles" should have a good long life on Wednesday nights. It's your typical "Law & Order" show: it's solid, well acted, good TV all around. It's not a replacement for the original "Law & Order," but it'll have to do for now.





- "Swift Justice with Nancy Grace" thoughts: To a certain extent I knew going in that Nancy Grace's new syndicated pseudo judge show "Swift Justice" was going to be a piece of crap. First off, Nancy Grace is one of the least appealing personalities on TV, at least I think so. I still can't figure out what it is that makes her such a ratings magnet on Headline News (she still has her nightly pseudo legal talk show). Who the hell would give her another goddamn TV show? And who the hell is going to watch it? Doesn't she have enough TV time already? And then there's the whole "judge" show idea. Does the world really need another judge show? The only one that's worth watching is "Judge Mathis," and even Mathis has more dud shows than good shows. So what exactly is the point of "Swift Justice"?

Damned if I know. The only reason I can think of for this show's continued existence is that Grace has a large mortgage and needs the extra money. The show is fucking excruciating. She gets the rejects from the other judge shows, listens to their cases, and then decides who gets what. Grace doesn't dress like a TV judge but she basically acts like one. So why not wear the fucking robe? What difference does it make if you're not a judge in real life? It's TV. It's not like not wearing a robe changes up the show and makes it all that different from the robed shows.

But what the hell do I know? This show is obviously not for me. If you like Grace and judge shows in general you may want to check "Swift Justice" out. Perhaps you will "get" it. I clearly don't get the show at all.

There's got to be some other kind of original show that can be syndicated that isn't a judge show. There's got to be.




- "Hawaii Five-O" series premiere thoughts: The basic problem with the pilot episode for the "Hawaii Five-O" reboot is that it features a story more suited for a two hour TV movie than a forty-five minute TV show. It has a decent enough cast, with CBS stalwart Alex O'Loughlin as the bad ass Steve McGarrett leading the way, and the action scenes in the pilot are amazing for a TV show (loved the helicopter attack on the convoy. The final fight was pretty decent, too), but the story of the creation of the Five-O team goes by way too quickly. I mean, McGarrett is forming a super special police team with the blessing of the governor, meeting Scott Caan's Danny "Danno" Williams, and tracking down the bad guy that killed his father. Why is all of this in the fucking pilot? Why isn't this a TV movie or a two part episode?

And why is this the pilot to begin with? Is it really necessary for us to see the formation of the Five-O team? Why not start out with most of the team already in place? That way the show can keep the courting of Danno a central part of the story and get on with the catching bad guys part of the show. I really don't care all that much about who killed McGarrett's father and all that shit. Why is that important?

There's also a question of how this Five-O team is legal, because the governor, when she made the offer to McGarrett, made it sound as though the team is essentially a band of official vigilantes that can do anything they want to catch the bad guys. The great Gary Cole show "Wanted" had that sort of thing going for it, but at least that show explained how various government agencies, both local and federal, were in on Cole's team and signed off on it. How can the governor of Hawaii authorize such a team?

I've never been a big fan of O'Loughlin, but he's quite good here. He's a charismatic bad ass that can take on anything, even an attack helicopter in necessary. And Caan is brilliant as Danno. O'Loughlin and Caan have an irresistible buddy cop chemistry that will no doubt serve the show well as it moves forward (from what I gather it has a pretty decent rating at the moment). Daniel Dae Kim as Chin Ho is okay, although he really didn't stand out in the pilot (I imagine he'll have a more substantial part in later episodes). Grace Park stood out, though, as the bikini clad Kono. If she wears a different bikini in each episode this show would have a good long life. She's a hot babe, and hot babes sell.

The show also decided to keep the classic "Hawaii Five-O" theme, which is shocking to me. I figured that, if the reboot had the theme at all, it would be reconfigured "to appeal to modern youth." CBS didn't do that. CBS decided to keep the theme basically as is (it's a little faster than the original but the theme is still the theme). I could do without the pseudo futuristic hooey onscreen that goes with the theme. Why not just show big waves in the ocean and people surfing? What the heck is wrong with that?

In general, I kind of like this show. I like the cast and I like the idea of having another sort of well made action show on TV. The stories have to get better, though. I really don't want to see 22 episodes that look and act just like the pilot.


And finally,




- "Survivor: Nicaragua" thoughts: Well, legendary football coach and current Fox football analyst Jimmy Johnson lasted longer than I thought he would. I was surprised that he wasn't thrown off the island at the first tribal council for the "old" tribe. I mean, Johnson is a freaking mega rich celebrity. Why the hell is he on the show? He doesn't need the million dollar prize. So fuck him. But the old tribe kept him until the tribe's second tribal council meeting. So good for Jimmy for making it that far.

So what's the draw now that Johnson has been voted off? None of the other players, either on the older team or the younger team, jump out. Well, there is the woman with the false leg. She's on the younger team, and it seems as though the team is always talking about her in some way. So I guess the big draw going forward is watching to see if she gets her false leg stolen. You know that if Russell were part of the team he would have already stolen it. I'm guessing that her leg is going to get stolen sooner rather than later. If she makes it past half way it won't be very good strategy to steal the leg then. It'll look to blatant and it'll backfire on whomever takes it. Doing it in the first few days, then it looks like a joke. People can live with a joke. It won't look like a joke to the jury.

With Johnson gone, it'll be interesting to see how the show's ratings change without him there. Maybe the ratings won't change at all. Maybe the "Survivor" audience saw Johnson's casting for what it really was, a stunt. But I don't think it's wrong to assume that we're going to get an all celebrity version of the show sooner rather than later. And I'm not talking about former "Survivor" contestants like Boston Rob and Russell and shit like that. I'm talking about actual celebrities. You know that Stephen Baldwin will get picked to appear (he seems to appear on all of the celebrity reality shows). Probably Kathy Griffin. One of those "Jersey Shore" douchebags. Who would you like to see on the island?

***
And now, a shameless plug for TLC



If you're a fan of those wedding documentary reality shows, be sure to check out the new series on The Learning Channel, "Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss," a show featuring fat chicks getting fitted for wedding dresses. I don't quite know why "fat brides," in and of themselves, are fascinating enough to be given their own show, but, hey, fat chicks get married, too, so why not?

"Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss" airs Friday nights at 9pm. Here's a sneak peak:




***

Complete Lies

Once again, I engage in deliberate lying for your reading/entertainment pleasure. The following two things are not true. At all. There is no reason to believe anything here because I've made it all up. You have been warned. Enjoy.




- Paramount Pictures recently announced that British comedian John Cleese, of "Monty Python" fame, would be appearing in the next "Star Trek" movie as the "main Klingon villain."

The next "Trek" movie, due out in 2012 and potentially directed by J.J. Abrams, will have Cleese's currently unnamed Klingon villain going after the crew of the U.S.S Enterprise for "stealing something from a Klingon moon."



Cleese, in an interview with the European entertainment press after the announcement, said "Look, the only reason I agreed to do this 'Star Trek' movie is I'm broke. Those James Bond cocksuckers fired me, the 'Harry Potter' thing didn't work out, and you can only do so many fucking 'Monty Python' documentaries. So I need to do something that will get me paid, and playing an alien in 'Star Trek' will get me paid."

Asked if he had seen any of the "Star Trek" movies, Cleese said "Isn't that the movie with Alec Guinness in it, where he kills people with a glowing sword? Who gives a shit, really. They're going to pay me a lot of money to be a bad guy. I'll do it in my underwear."

"Why the fuck am I not in the new Bond movies? What kind of bullshit is that? The other fucking Q guy died. It's my bloody job now. Motherfuckers."

No word on whether or not fellow Python Michael Palin would be joining him as his Klingon henchman.



- Adam Richman, star of the hit Travel Channel reality series "Man vs. Food," announced recently that he will be traveling to Kooskia, Idaho for an "extra special" food challenge that will be featured in an upcoming episode. So what the heck will Adam be eating?

Barbecued shit.

"I don't know if it's actual barbecued dung, for all I know it's just a funny name, but there's a little diner in Kooskia called 'Ray's Food and Drink' that serves this thing called 'BBQ shit.' It's what the locals there rave about all of the time apparently," Richman said during a conference call announcing the food challenge.

Some Kooskia locals, who spoke to this reporter on condition of anonymity, said that the "BBQS" is just a bunch of grilled meat covered in the hottest and nastiest BBQ sauce in Idaho. But some locals said that the dish, served in a big white bowl, is a "bunch of meat mixed in with caramelized bacon that looks and smells like feces." And others said that the BBQ shit is actually shit.

"I can't wait to get out to Kooskia and try it," Richman said. "I'm always up for trying something new."


***

The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.





***

And now, Dr. Phil.



"You know, sometimes I don't want to fuck a bitch. Sometimes I don't want to fuck anything. Sometimes I just want to sit back, open a beer, and watch some TV. And, no, I don't want to watch porno or that old VHS tape I have of Christina Applegate on Married...with Children wearing a short skirt and crossing her legs over and over again and bouncing up and down. Sometimes I don't want to do anything.

There's nothing wrong with being lazy every now and then. Nothing wrong at all."

Well, it's good to know that even you, Dr. Phil, sometimes have to rest and take it easy.



"Of course, if Christina Applegate showed up now, I'd let her jerk me off. I bet that would be fun. And I wouldn't mind it if she rode my baloney pony while rubbing her fake tits in my face. I've always wanted to have a breast cancer survivior's fake tits in my face. You know, what do they feel like? Do they feel like real tits?"

Jesus Christ, Phil, what the fuck is wrong with you?



"You've never wondered about that kind of thing? Bullshit you haven't! Everyone has wondered about what Christina Applegate's fake tits feel like. Everyone! Everyone motherfucker!"

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you last year. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. The incredibly awful "American Psycho 2" was on there last week. Is it still there?Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, "Fear Clinic" that's definitely worth a look (the series is directed by Robert Hall, the writer/director of "Laid to Rest." How cool is that?).



Oh, and be sure to check out the new web series "Zombie Roadkill" starring Thomas Haden Church. It's about zombies, apparently. How cool is that?



If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

***

"Live Evil" is now on DVD!



"Live Evil," the movie I've been talking about for close to a year and reviewed here is now on DVD and available to purchase.

It's been a long time coming but "Live Evil" is finally on store shelves all over the country. If you don't have a reputable DVD seller near you (and by reputable I mean a seller that deals in damn near everything that comes out on DVD, from major studio releases to small independent movies like "Live Evil") go to the movie's website and order it from there or you can go here to amazon. You can also rent the flick from various video rental places, but you'll have to go to those places to find out if they have it.

The DVD contains the following:

- Unrated movie
- 5.1 Surround Sound
- Audio commentary with director Jay Woelfel, producer Mark Terry, and Mark Hengst ("Benedict")
- Deleted scenes
- Q & A with star Tim Thomerson and director Jay Woelfel at Fangoria LA convention
- Tim Thomerson intro from Flashback Weekend 2009
- Promo video of "Live Evil" at Fangoria Weekend of Horror 2009
- Theatrical trailer
- And more!

With all of those cool special features how could you not want to own "Live Evil"?
So go out right now (well, you can wait until after you finish reading this column) and purchase "Live Evil." You'll be glad you did.

Long live the Priest!







***

Special Commentary: Why I don't like Ryan Reynolds

The "Ryan Reynolds in a coffin" movie "Buried" opens wide this weekend, and in "celebration" of that I've decided to rerun an old "What?!! This Column!??" commentary on why I don't like Ryan Reynolds. It's an old piece, yes, but it's timely, and it still holds. I still don't like Ryan
Reynolds.



I don't like Ryan Reynolds. In fact, I can't fucking stand him.

Now, before I get into why I can't stand him, I want to preface this with the following statement: if you want to like Ryan Reynolds, if you enjoy his movies and his personality and his sense of humor and his whatever else, that's fine and cool and neato mosquito with me. It doesn't mean you're a lunatic, a weirdo, an idiot, or a douchebag. It just means you like something I don't.

With all of that being said, here's why I don't like Ryan Reynolds. There are only three reasons here, but I think that's enough:

- He isn't funny. He just isn't. I'll admit that, from time to time he can be kind of amusing, but those moments have been few and far between. Very few and far between. The guy just tries too hard. Take "Waiting" for example. That movie is torture to sit through because of Reynolds. His performance is just excruciating (the movie also suffers from the presence of comedic black hole Dane Cook, but that's another rant for another column). Am I supposed to laugh at him here? Am I supposed to identify with him in any way? I don't. I want Cherry Ganz from "Another 48 Hrs." to show up and blow him away (same for Cook's character).

- He's incredibly boring. I see him onscreen, even on something like "Entertainment Tonight" or "The Tonight Show" and I want to change the channel immediately (or I wish I had recorded the show ahead of time so I could fast forward through his bullshit interview. Of course, had I know he was going to be on the show I probably wouldn't have recorded it in the first place. Do you see what rage and hatred can do to a person?).

I don't give a fuck what he's doing this weekend, what he did last weekend, what movie he's working on, or what childhood tragedy he just had to relive. I don't give a fuck about his abs or his laying naked on top of Sandra Bullock or his wife Scarlett Johansen or his dogs or whatever the case may be. Just shut the fuck up, Ryan. Just shut the fuck up.

Jag off.

And finally,

- He helped David Goyer kill the "Blade" movie franchise. Obviously, most of the blame for the cinematic turd that is "Blade: Trinity" goes to Goyer since he is the flick's writer/director (he only did the screenplay on the first two) and it's his "vision" on screen. Part of that vision, though, is Reynolds as the hip and edgy vampire hunter Hannibal King.

King is one of the worst action movie characters I have ever seen. He isn't funny, he isn't charismatic, and every time I see him on screen I want to see something fall on him and kill him so the agony will be over. Sadly, that never happens, and the franchise's star, Wesley Snipes, is forced to work overtime to make the movie somewhat watchable. It's weird how Snipes clearly loses interest about halfway through because it's obvious by then that Goyer really isn't all that interested in making a "Blade" movie. He's setting the stage for Hannibal King the movie. And how well did that plan work out?

Exactly.

So now everyone knows why I don't like Ryan Reynolds.

Feel enlightened?

Probably about as much as I do after watching a Ryan Reynolds movie.

***

The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to former CNN anchor Rick Sanchez, for saying that the "media is run by Jews." After calling "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart a "bigot" while on Pete Dominick's Sirius Satellite radio show, apparently upset about all of the jokes Stewart has made about him and losing his primetime spot on CNN, Sanchez also said that CNN and the media in general are run by people "just like Stewart" (Jewish).

Rick probably would have garnered some sympathy had he just said that he doesn't like Stewart and thinks he's an asshole or something. Lots of people probably would have said "Right on, Rick, tell it like it is!" or something like that. But Rick had to go too far and say that his problems are all caused by "Jews like Stewart" who "run CNN" and that he can't get a fair shake because he's not Jewish.

What the hell were you thinking, Rick? Who the hell is going to buy your book now? It will be interesting to see how this controversy turns out for Sanchez. Will he apologize or will he go full on racist and become some weird beard fringe guy that shows up every so often to whine about "the Jews?"

Can't wait to see. Ha.




And then there's Howard Stern, for endorsing Linda McMahon for U.S. Senate in Connecticut. It doesn't really matter why Stern is endorsing McMahon (I heard that Stern is upset with McMahon's opponent, Richard Blumenthal, for some reason. Something about blocking the Sirius-XM merger), the fact that he's doing it at all is simply disgraceful. Linda McMahon is a disgusting person. She's an ultra right wing business lunatic that thinks the already incredibly wealthy just aren't wealthy enough. She also wants to dismantle the minimum wage (let the market decide wages. Of course, "the market" in this case is whatever the hell the boss says it is). That alone should disqualify her for office (her stewardship of WWE and its many dead employees should disqualify her, but then they're just wrestlers and it's all fake anyway and why am I being so partisan? McMahon is a successful businesswoman!).

Stern knows all of this, he knows what an awful person she is and yet he's endorsed her anyway. What the fuck, Howard?



And finally there's Christine O'Donnell, Republican candidate for U.S. Senate in Delaware, for refusing to admit that the reason she won't do any media interviews, either national or local, is that she's fucking stupid. O'Donnell is an ultra right wing religious fanatic and chronic deadbeat who has repeatedly lied about her education background, among other things, so I guess she's a perfect fit for the modern teabagger Republican party. She said at first that she wouldn't do national media interviews (she went on Sean Hannity's show, though) because she didn't want to get caught up in a national whatever. She said she wanted to focus on the people of Delaware. And since that announcement O'Donnell has done precisely zero interviews with the local media in Delaware.

Yes, that's right. She hasn't done any interviews with the local media. She has basically disappeared.

But, the liberal media is just out to ask her gotcha questions, man. That's how they took down Sarah Palin. Gotcha questions. Like what the hell are you talking about when you say that U.S. companies are breeding mice with full functioning human brains? That's a real gotcha question there. Asking you to explain an outlandish claim.

Christine O'Donnell is a fucking dunce. I know it, you know it, even that fucking douchebag Karl Rove knows it. And yet the world has to take her seriously because there's a chance that she'll win the election and actually wield a vote in the Senate.

What a fucking disgrace.

***

And now, your weekly "Jericho" update




Okay, the big news in the world of "Jericho," at the moment anyway, is thathttp://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ is back up and running. It's one of the best websites going for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff (like the ongoing Epix story. That story has gone a little cold at the moment, but there could be big news any day now). So keep an eye on that website for any up-to-date information. I know I'll be checking it out. You should also check out http://www.savingjericho.com for information.

I wish I had news on what's happening with the remaining three issues of the "Jericho" comic book, but, sadly, I don't. Nothing has changed.

You should also go here to find a local comic book shop near you if you haven't done so already. It's always good to know where your local comic book shop is regardless).

And please, if you haven't already, go here to buy the entire "Jericho" series in one DVD collection. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.
And keep an eye on your local cable guide as "Jericho" keeps showing up on the SyFy Channel.

Long live "Jericho"!





***

Indycar and NASCAR thoughts



Well, the Indycar season is over, and Target Chip Ganassi driver Dario Franchitti is once again the series champion, beating Verizon Team Penske driver Will Power by five points. Franchitti ended up finishing eighth in the season finale Miami 300 at Homestead Miami Speedway (Franchitti's teammate, Scott Dixon, won the race), and Power finished 25th after hitting the wall on lap 135. Power attempted to get back out on the track after lengthy repairs in the pits, but the car and Power's season was finished. All Franchitti really had to do was have a good finish to win the title, and that's what the Scotsman did. He raced hard, clean, and smart for the remainder of the race, staying out of trouble (he didn't get involved in the Milka Duno spin with twenty four laps to go, so he lucked out there). It's Franchitti's third career Indycar championship.

Now, despite the terrible finish in the season finale, Power had a great season. He won five times and led the points for most of the season, finishing second at the end. The ovals gave him trouble, but I'm sure team owner Roger Penske is already working on a program to make Power better turning left. If Power can master the ovals as well as he's mastered the street and road courses, there may be no stopping him in 2011.

Danica Patrick had another second place finish, her second of the season. Her teammate Tony Kanaan finished third. It seems as though that Andretti Autosport finally figured out how to compete with the Penske and Ganassi teams, it's just too late to really mean anything (the season is over). It'll be interesting to see if the team as a whole can carry that momentum into 2011 and compete with the top two teams. It'll also be interesting to see if Kanaan, Ryan Hunter-Reay, and Marco Andretti can continue to work with Patrick, who apparently doesn't get along with the others. I think most of that animosity is ginned up by team owner Michael Andretti. I still think he's annoyed with Patrick wanting to dabble in NASCAR and he deliberately shanked her with bad equipment this past season as a kind of punishment. It's a stupid move on Andretti's part since she is the series' top star and likely the reason his three other cars have sponsors. Why would you want her to leave? But then we're dealing with Michael Andretti and the old "CART" mindset here.

No news yet on any driver and team changes. That's what will likely take up most of the off season, rumors on who ends up where. I know I'll be paying attention.



Over in NASCAR, Greg Biffle picked up his second win of the season in the Price Chopper Kansas 400, and Jimmie Johnson captured the points lead after finishing second. Denny Hamlin, the Chase points leader going into the race, dropped to second in the points after finishing 12th in the race. What the hell happened? Hamlin was supposed to start kicking ass this past week, and it sure as hell didn't turn out that way. He got smoked by Johnson, and it's looking like that's how it's going to be for the rest of the Chase. Hamlin, for whatever reason, has decided to completely lay down. He was our only real hope at beating Johnson. The ten other teams in the Chase, at the moment anyway, couldn't find their assholes with a funnel.

Clint Bowyer is done. Matt Kenseth and Kurt Busch are flailing around not accomplishing much of anything. Kyle Busch is back to being a complete and total asshole (he drilled David Reutimann and then whined when Reutimann retaliated. It doesn't really matter if you're in the Chase and he's not. Busch, of all people, should know that). Tony Stewart and Jeff Gordon are, at the moment, useless (I don't think Gordon is going to win a race this season, and if he can't do that he doesn't have much hope of being the champion at the end of the season). Carl Edwards and Biffle might make a charge towards the front in the second half of the Chase, but that'll be a charge for second. It won't be for the title. By then it'll be too fucking late. Harvick has lost what made him brilliant in the "regular" season (he seems to be blaming his somewhat lackluster performance on his crew at the moment. What a jagoff), and Jeff Burton is a total waste of time (he's like Kenseth right now. Burton gets better finishes, but, like Kenseth, he's no real threat to the title. He just doesn't have the fire in the belly to win). So unless Johnson completely falls apart on his own, it looks like he's going to have a fifth Cup championship come November.

That blows. That really, really blows.

On to California this Sunday. We'll see how big a lead Johnson leaves there with.

Kudos to 2008 Camping World Truck Series champion Johnny Benson, Jr. as he recently won his first ever supermodified race at Seekonk Speedway. Benson's father drove a supermodified back in the day, and Junior has been dabbling in the short track open wheel ranks for the last few years. Benson, Jr. was injured in a horrific crash in a supermodified in 2009, and it didn't look like he was going to get back into one ever again (well, in some respects that would have been the smart thing to do). But Benson, Jr. got back in the cockpit and picked up his first win in a 100 lap race, beating supermodified ace Chris Perley. So, again, kudos to Johnny Benson, Jr.



(Benson's car is on the inside, the #74. The car on the outside is his supermodified car owner Mike Lichty).


***

That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Brooke: Quagmire, will you accept this rose?

Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body?

Brooke: What?

Quagmire: Yes."


That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

***

Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

***










***




***