TV Rants and Raves 2.09.11: The Man Called Sting

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 02.09.2011

Thoughts on the Charlie Sheen saga, Rants and Raves about Vance on NCIS, Dana Carvey hosting Saturday Night Live and Puppy Bowl VII, a look at whether Sting is going to WWE and more

TV Rants and Raves Issue #83: In this issue I Rant and Rave about Vance on NCIS, this whole Charlie Sheen thing, Dana Carvey hosting Saturday Night Live, and Puppy Bowl VII, plus a big question about Ann Coulter, a Featured Bit on this whole "Sting to WWE" thing, Glenn Beck wins a very special award, and more


Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that's shocked no one has started calling Christina Aguilera Enrico Pallazzo, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Before I get into the main part of the column today is the day.

What day is that?

The day Jericho finally returns.

Jericho Redux, a compilation of the first three issues of the Jericho: Season 3 Civil War comic book, is out today.



Published by the fine folks at IDW Publishing, Jericho Redux helps set the stage for next Wednesday and the debut of issue #4, which we in the Jericho nerd world have been waiting for for a long, long time. If you didn't check out the book when it was published by Devils Due Publishing and you're curious about it, please go to your local comic book shop and buy it (go here if you don't know where your local comic book shop is). It's worth it.




IDW Publishing has a Jericho comic forum that you should definitely check out (go here so you can connect with fellow Jericho nerds or Rangers, whichever you prefer. I consider myself a nerd. You can also check out the main IDW site, http://idwpublishing.com/, which is pretty dang cool, too). You should also give http://www.savingjericho.com a look as it's the top site for new, up-to-date general information on the greatest post apocalyptic TV show featuring Skeet Ulrich and Lennie goddamn James.
And if you haven't already (there are still a few stragglers out there), go here to buy the entire "Jericho" series in one DVD collection. You can also get each season individually if you're not into the whole "entire TV series in one set" thing. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

It's been a long time, but, as I said at the beginning, Jericho is finally back. And that's damn cool.

Long live Jericho!





And now, with all of that out of the way, onto the main part of the column:


TV Rants and Raves




"What?"


- What the heck is the deal with Vance on NCIS?: Okay, so what the heck is going on with NCIS Director Leon Vance (Rocky Carroll)? He's walking around with a cane, he's very rarely in the office anymore (you know, directing NCIS), and he doesn't seem to be all that interested in coming back full time. What the heck is going on?

Yes, Vance was seriously injured during that assassination attempt on Eli with the robotic machine gun thing. That kind of thing would change anyone, even a bad ass secret agent like Vance, especially the explosion afterwards. But that was a while ago, wasn't it? Isn't it time to buck up and get back to work? I mean, Gibbs clearly doesn't want to be the director of NCIS so this whole thing doesn't appear to be an elaborate scheme by Vance to get Gibbs into the job (how many times do Gibbs' superiors have to find this out? He doesn't want to be in an office giving out orders. He wants to shoot people). So what the heck is going on?

Rocky Carroll is a decent actor, but I've never been a fan of the Vance character since he took over for the deceased former director Jenny Shepard. Vance broke up Gibbs' team, and in an overall sense Vance is just an asshole. Gibbs holds him in such contempt (and to a certain extent Vance holds Gibbs in contempt) that it's amazing to me they haven't had a gigantic fight in Vance's office. And you get the sense that the other members of Gibbs' team don't like Vance, either. Their dislike for him isn't as big as Gibbs' dislike, but you get the sense that if Vance were on fire Tony, Ziva, and McGee would take their sweet time putting him out with a fire extinguisher (Tony would read that little tag on how to operate the extinguisher before using it). The guy just rubs everyone the wrong way. Even sweet, sweet Abby dislikes him.

As I understand it this is the show's way of giving Vance a little more to do (I guess the whole North Korean assassin thing that spanned both the original show and NCIS: Los Angeles didn't suffice. And there was that episode on NCIS that was all about boxing). I can appreciate the need to do that. Characters need back stories to make them interesting/"life like" and when it comes to television that usually means a full episode featuring a background/supporting character center stage. But does Vance need this much background hooey? Is all of this stuff actually leading somewhere?

Man, I hope so. I don't want to dislike Vance anymore than I already do. It's just not fair to Rocky Carroll.




"I used to sort of look like this."

- Some thoughts on this whole Charlie Sheen thing: Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen has issues. Big ass serious fucking issues.

He's got a drug problem, an alcohol problem, a hooker problem, and a porn star problem. He's also got money pouring into his bank account because he's the highest paid actor on television and he no doubt has a nice little cut of the profits of one of the most successful shows in the history of television syndication. He's got more than enough money to keep the drugs and the booze and the hookers happy (I'm not sure about the porn stars. I mean, is he paying them to hang around or are they all just his friends? Do they want to hang around Charlie Sheen because he's Charlie Sheen? How many big mainstream stars do they get to hang around?). And it was all good fun up until a few weeks ago, when everything started to fall apart. Now Sheen is in some kind of rehab and production on Two and a Half Men is on hiatus. Is CBS to blame for allowing Sheen to get completely out of hand with his issues/addictions?

Not really. Sure, the network could have told Sheen that it would fire him if he didn't dial it back a bit and get clean (or less disheveled) but that really isn't the network's job. And even if the network did do that there was no guarantee that Sheen would have complied anyway. Of course, CBS didn't look good when it said that it knew about Sheen's problems but it couldn't do anything because Sheen always showed up to work on time. It was all a gigantic balancing act (in other words the network didn't want to upset the apple cart by making its money machine angry). CBS and Warner Bros television could have come up with a less sleazy sounding explanation. But, no, I don't really see where either one of them is responsible for what Sheen is doing to himself. It's all on Sheen.

So now Sheen is in rehab and, presumably, plans on getting into more extensive rehab once the current TV season is over. Sheen reportedly wants to get back to the Two and a Half Men as soon as possible so he can finish the season (maybe out of loyalty to his fellow cast and crew, or maybe it's so the producers don't replace him with the woman that plays his mother. I don't personally see that happening anyway, but Hollywood stars and their agents can get paranoid about this kind of stuff). And then he'll go off to rehab (maybe). Sheen seems pretty committed to his job and likes doing the show (even when he was in full on "destroy myself" mode he still showed up to work with all of his lines memorized). But does he really want to go to rehab and get clean? Is he really interested in that? Is this just something that he figures he needs to do so his concerned friends and family will leave him the hell alone and then, a few months down the line when no one is paying attention he'll get back to what he loves to do (the show along with booze, coke, and hot pros).

Perhaps CBS does need to take a more proactive role in all of this. Perhaps what CBS needs to do is get Sheen into rehab of some sort that allows him to get clean for the moment and then, when he eventually starts doing the "bad stuff" again, manages that bad stuff for him. You know, it allows him a certain amount of bad stuff every week that allows him to have fun and do what he wants but only for a certain amount of time. Maybe CBS needs to engage in some forced moderation.

Because, you know, all of the stuff Sheen is into isn't bad for you as long as you don't overdo it.

Man, that all sounds terrible, doesn't it?





- Dana Carvey hosting Saturday Night Live thoughts: On one hand, it was cool to see the great Dana Carvey back on the show that helped make him the comedian he is today. You just knew that as soon as it was announced that he was going to host the show that some of Carvey's old SNL characters would appear again. The Church Lady. Maybe the first George Bush. Perhaps Ross Perot. One of those goofy British types he always played would no doubt show up (I'm thinking of the "Broccoli" sketch). It was going to be fun.

Well, it should have been fun. For whatever reason, it wasn't. The show just didn't have it.

Was it fun to see Carvey and old pal Mike Myers do "Wayne's World" again? Yes, it was fun. For about a minute. The sketch went on way too long and was only, and I'm being generous here, half funny. The Winter's Bone thing was just lame. Carvey's monologue was also pretty dang lame, too (can we please stop this "guest host sings the monologue" bullshit? It very rarely ever works). And while I love Jon Lovitz I don't want him to come back ever again unless he has something funny to do. Just being Jon Lovitz just isn't enough anymore. The Church Lady sketch was funny but it, too, went on a tad long (the Justin Bieber thing was hilarious). The Mickey Rooney thing should have been longer. "Mickey" should have gotten one more call to make the sketch matter a little more than it did. Why the hell didn't Carvey appear in the Digital Short (or did he and I just missed it?). The Regis sketch wasn't funny at all, mostly because it had no real point (Regis needs to interact with a funny guest in order for the sketch to work. Kristen Wiig's Kathie Lee showed up at the end. Why wasn't she the guest?). The funniest sketches were the beauty pageant thing and the weirdo bar band singing just before the Superbowl.

Why the heck didn't the show have more of that kind of thing? And why didn't Carvey get to do a bit during "Weekend Update"? I have no idea what he would have done but Carvey should have done something. The show probably should have had Carvey try to come up with a new character. Or the show could have plugged him into a "What's Up With That?" bit (that always rocks).

The show, as a whole, just felt like a gigantic missed opportunity.

So if Mike Myers hosts the show later this year can we expect to see essentially the same kind of show? A bunch of half-hearted nostalgia sketches and maybe one good original sketch? Is the world ready for another "I'm Simon and I like to do drawings" bit? Or another "Sprockets"?

Good God. Will Ferrell doesn't have to put up with this hooey when he guest hosts.



And finally,





- Puppy Bowl VII thoughts: The seventh edition of the now classic bit of Superbowl counter programming, the Puppy Bowl, is in the books and it was, as expected, a bunch of cute fun.

The puppies on display were all on their game, running around like morons (and I mean that in a good way), barking at one another and playing and whatnot. The "puppy cam" that allowed us to see the puppies drinking up close was hilarious. The chicken cheerleaders were fun. I even liked the kitten half-time show, which is a bit shocking since I've never been a fan of it. The hamsters in the blimp thing is ridiculous (a good ridiculous). And the tailgate party is always a highlight (a dog sitting in a chair always equals hilarity).

Of course, I still have issues with the way the show is presented. The show needs to go back to the three hour time block that it started with. The current two hour block is just too short. The show also needs less deliberate product placement. It's just way too gaudy for a bit of goofiness like a show about puppies playing (the "referee" should only be allowed to do a breath mint/candy bar advertisement once during the "game"). The announcer needs to back off, too. The show doesn't need endless play-by-play. Just let the puppies play and crank up the easy listening music that's playing in the background. What the heck is wrong with that?

Shows like this don't need to be overproduced. They don't need a heavy hand running things. Just let them play. That's all the fine folks at Animal Planet need to have happen.

It sounds too much like I'm bitching about the show. I'm really not. I love the Puppy Bowl. I look forward to it every year. And I honestly can't wait for Puppy Bowl VIII.

Yeah, that's what I said. I can't wait.


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And now, a shameless plug for TLC




Have you ever wanted to watch a documentary reality show about people that make things out of balloons? Well, if you are one of those people that have, The Unpoppables, which airs on Mondays at 8pm est is the show you want to watch. Here's a sneak peak of what to expect:



They'll make a show about anything, won't they?


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The Big Question: Would you watch an Ann Coulter sex tape?





I was originally going to call this "What's more disgusting? An Ann Coulter sex tape or..." but I couldn't think of anything potentially more disgusting than an Ann Coulter sex tape. I mean, there probably is something more disgusting than a leaked videotape of alleged female and ultra right wing psychopath Ann Coulter naked and banging some dude or getting banged by some dude, but at the moment I can't think of anything.

So instead I'm going to ask you all if such a tape existed would you watch it? Would you be curious enough to seek out the recording on your own and see if it's as nasty as you thought it would be? Or would you first want to do some research ahead of time and read reviews (I don't know what else you'd call them) from people braver than you who have already seen it? Would you scour youtube looking for "reaction videos," sort of like what you did when everyone was in a tizzy about 2 Girls 1 Cup?

I don't think I would. Coulter is one of the most awful people in the world. She's a supremely negative presence when she's on television, and her books are horrendous (you die a little inside when you read one of them. I know I've lost at least a year). I can't fathom why anyone in the world would want to be in the same room with her. She just isn't attractive at all.

But that's just me. Maybe you're into her both ideologically and physically (you're into zombies. Who am I to judge?). Maybe you want to see her getting it up the ass in front of a giant mirror. I'm not going to say it's cool, but, you know, do whatever makes you happy, you know?

So who wants to see this thing? Who wants to watch an Ann Coulter sex tape? Anyone? Anyone at all?





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The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.





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And now, Dr. Phil.



"I'm gonna tell the bitches the world this once and only once. I don't want you slapping my balls while you massage my cock in your hands. You want to feel my balls with your other hand, roll them around in the palm of your hand, that's okay. I love it when you do that. But don't go smacking my balls, either on the front or on the side. It hurts way too fucking much and I really don't want my balls ringing while I'm fully pitched.

I also don't want you complaining about any dingleberries you may find when you're kissing my ass. If you aren't going to shave my ass before we get started you have no one to blame but yourself."

Wow, Phil, that's pretty disgusting. You don't wash your ass when you take a shower? That should cut back on the dingleberries.



"I'd much rather have a shaved ass."

Okay, Phil, whatever you need to keep yourself going. Maybe you should learn to shave your own ass.



"Go fuck yourself."


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And now, the weekly Fearnet update

Do you have Fearnet on your cable/satellite system? If you do, you're lucky because it's the only free all horror/thriller on Demand station going (it's also one of the few places that is proud of B-movies). If you're a Time Warner cable subscriber, you don't have it. You probably used to have it, but it was snatched away from you. But there is a way to see what Fearnet has to offer. Just go here.

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out the free movies Fearnet has to offer (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more. Peter Jackson's epic zombie flick Dead Alive was on there last week. Is it still there?Check and see. The site also has a pretty nifty web series featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder, Fear Clinic that's definitely worth a look (the series is directed by Robert Hall, the writer/director of Laid to Rest. How cool is that?).



Oh, and be sure to check out the ultra cool web series Zombie Roadkill starring Thomas Haden Church. It's about zombies and whatnot.



If you're a Facebook nerd you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

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Have you seen Bone Dry yet?




Bone Dry is a kick-ass B-movie that hit DVD in 2007. It stars Lance Henriksen and Luke Goss and was directed by Brett A. Hart. I reviewed it in my other column here at 411mania, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column (you can check out my review here).



You really need to check it out. You can buy it here or you can probably rent it from your local video store. If your local video store doesn't have it ask them to get it. It's worth it.



"Never underestimate the power of love."




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Featured Bit: This whole "Sting going to Raw" thing





The pro wrestling internets nerd world just about exploded last week after that spooky little vignette on WWE Monday Night Raw. Who the heck was that guy in the trenchcoat? Why was he walking into that house out in the woods? What's going to happen on "2-21-2011"? Speculation was rampant. The most persistent explanation/guess was that it was a vignette for the WWE debut of the one major 1980's wrestler that has never been in the WWE, the man called Sting. Other people figured that it was more likely a vignette for the return of the Undertaker.

I tend to side with the "it's a bit for the Undertaker" people because it's time for the Undertaker to come back and do something at Wrestlemania to continue "the streak." And, if you saw the new vignette on Monday you heard the Johnny Cash song "Aint No Grave" song playing in the background at the end. I don't think the WWE could make it any clearer that the whole thing is about the return of the Undertaker.

But, I guess there's still a chance that, in the end, this whole "return of the Undertaker" thing could lead to the WWE debut of Sting because, standing in the background of all of this speculation is the idea that the Undertaker needs a major opponent for this year's Wrestlemania, and Wade Barrett doesn't exactly scream "major star opponent." Sting does. But is it likely that Sting, nearing the end of his career, would want to work for eternal scumbag Vince McMahon at least one time?

I doubt it.

Now, it sure would be cool to see Sting, in full on "Crow" mode, show up on Raw (drop from the rafters?) and challenge the Undertaker to a match at Wrestlemania. It would certainly be a "mark out" moment for just about everyone (I know I'd freak out if it happened). It's also one of the last big ass dream matches pro wrestling has left. And since Sting is apparently a "free agent" now, sans a contract with TNA, what better time to try to pull off what wrestling nerds the world over have been waiting a long, long time to see? It sure seems like the perfect moment, doesn't it?

Yes, it does seem like the perfect moment. It sure does seem like the stars have aligned on this. And Wrestlemania is taking place in Atlanta, the former HQ of the old NWA/WCW, the place where the Sting legend was born. What better place to do it?





I think we're all failing to seriously ask ourselves the following: what does Sting have left to prove? He doesn't really need to show up on Raw or the WWE or at Wrestlemania. He seems pretty content to be the only big star from the late 1980's-1990's to not have "sold out" to McMahon (it's part of his legend). Why would he want to tarnish that? Money? Money would be a good reason to show up on Raw and challenge the Undertaker. The WWE can no doubt afford to pay Sting far more than TNA and a match at Wrestlemania would no doubt offer a big ass bonus for both Taker and Sting. But then the WWE, even with one of those "Legends" contracts, would probably want Sting to wrestle more than he wants to. Sting is at the end of his career. Why would he want to get back on the road, even on a limited basis, and deal with all of that shit again? Why would he want to feel beaten and broken down every night? So he can get a big cut of the DVD McMahon plans on doing of him at some point?

I just don't see it happening.

I'll be watching on that Monday night to see what the heck actually happens, and I'll be checking out 411's wrestling section for all of the dirt and backstage whatnot in the run-up to that night. We'll know for sure, or at least have a much better idea about what's going on on 2-21-2011. Do I want it to have something to do with Sting? Sure. But will it have something to do with Sting challenging the Undertaker?

Again, I just don't see it happening. I don't think the world is that clever.





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And now a moment of Hardcore TV





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The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to Glenn Beck, the 2009 TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Year, for saying that the recent unrest in Egypt is all part of an international leftist conspiracy to destroy the United States. Of course, Beck provides no real evidence for his conclusions. He just points at his board and makes wild ass claims and then his legions of fans/followers believe everything he says. Everything. And then, when anyone points out that he's dead wrong about everything and out of his fucking mind, well, it just proves that the conspiracy is real and true.

Why does Fox News, which is allegedly a news gathering agency, allow Beck to go on TV and say things that are not even remotely true without a disclaimer, something along the lines of what you see on a DVD?





And then there's Kyle Smith, movie critic/political commentator for the New York Post, for flipping out about Waiting for Superman not getting nominated for Best Documentary at this year's Oscars. Smith seems to think that the snub has something to do with Hollywood's evil union solidarity conspiracy, which could be true, but it also could be true that the Academy decided not to nominate Superman because its director, Davis Guggenheim, won an Oscar four years ago for An Inconvenient Truth. Perhaps the Academy figured it was too soon to nominate him again. I mean, if there was some massive, evil left wing conspiracy going on within the Academy, wouldn't big, fat Michael Moore have more than one Oscar by now? Why didn't Moore win for Sicko? Why didn't Capitalism: A Love Story get a nomination?

Smith doesn't buy it. It's all a conspiracy between the Hollywood unions and the evil teacher's union.

Yep, and the unrest in Egypt is all about making George Soros emperor of the universe.

Jesus fucking Christ.





And finally there's Elizabeth Hasselbeck, for whining on Monday about a joke Bill Maher made about her on last Friday's Real Time. I'm not even sure what it is she's upset about, but Hasselbeck clearly didn't like what Maher said about her. After playing the offending bit, Hasselbeck called Maher a "chauvinistic bigot," and essentially said that he wasn't a man. As I write this Maher hasn't responded, but I'm sure he'll have something to say by Friday night (it'll be required viewing). In the meantime, I'll say that Hasselbeck needs to get a sense of humor and needs to stop taking herself so damn seriously. So what if "Billy" made a joke about you? Just laugh it off and get on with your life.

Will she do that?

Of course not. She's Elisabeth fucking Hasselbeck. She's fucking important.

Motherfucker.

And a special mention needs to be made for the Republican majority in the House of Representatives, who tried to change the legal definition of rape last week with the "No Taxpayer Funds for Abortion Act," which was introduced by New Jersey Republican Representative Chris Smith. They eventually backed down, but the fact that they even tried is simply beyond the pall. Please read this article for the details.

For Christ's fucking sake.

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NASCAR and Indycar thoughts





The 2011 NASCAR Sprint Cup season is set to get started this Saturday night with the non-points Budweiser Shootout event at Daytona International Speedway. This is the event that used to be a race for the previous season's pole winners, but NASCAR officials decided to change the race's eligibility requirements because it needed Tony Stewart in it (or something like that). According to wikipedia, this year the Shootout will have past Daytona race and Shootout winners in it, the Chase drivers from last year, last year's rookie of the year, any past series champion that hasn't already qualified (what could now be called the "Labonte rule"), and any rookie of the year from 2001-2009 that hasn't already qualified (that's a new rule for this year's race). Sounds pretty complicated, doesn't it? NASCAR should just go back to the pole winner rule. That was easier to understand.

It'll be the first Sprint Cup race on the new pavement, so for that reason alone the race is a must see event. The ARCA Series season opener, which will be held before the Shootout, is also a must see because of the new pavement (I believe you can see that race on Speed). No word on whether or not Danica Patrick will participate in that event again this year. Milka Duno may be in the event, though.

So here is a list of the scheduled drivers expected to race in the Shootout: Jimmie Johnson, Denny Hamlin, Kevin Harvick, Matt Kenseth, Kurt Busch, Kyle Busch, Tony Stewart, Greg Biffle, Clint Bowyer, Jeff Burton, Jeff Gordon, Carl Edwards, Geoff Bodine, Derrick Cope, Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Bill Elliott, Ryan Newman, Jamie McMurray, Michael Waltrip, Sterling Marlin, John Andretti, Kevin Conway, Kasey Kahne, Joey Logano, Juan Pablo Montoya, Regan Smith, Mark Martin, Ken Schrader, Bobby Labonte, Terry Labonte (Bodine, Schrader, and Marlin are probably going to be no-shows, unless they've got rides I'm unaware of. And that's certainly possible).

Sunday afternoon is qualifying for the Daytona 500, which will be the following Sunday (the Gatorade Duels qualifying races will be next Thursday afternoon). The Penske teams, somewhat shockingly, have been the strongest cars in Daytona testing so far. It'll be interesting to see if they can maintain that standing.



There were two big stories in Indycar last week. Up first, four time Champ Car champion and former F-1 driver Sebastien Bourdais may be racing for Dale Coyne on a limited basis in 2011. According to the Speed Channel website, Bourdais recently tested one of Coyne's cars at Sebring and as a result is expected to run a road and street course only schedule in 2011 for the team. It's a shocking bit of news because Bourdais has said several times that he doesn't want to race in America, that his family is settled in Europe (France?) and he doesn't want to move them out. Now things have changed apparently. If Bourdais does end up racing at all in Indycar in 2011 it could be a warm up for him to come back full time in 2012 when there's a new car and engine package. Bourdais isn't interested in oval racing, but I doubt that he's fulfilled racing sports cars in Europe (especially after racing an F-1 car. It was a back marker team, sure, but it was still pretty dang high performance) so maybe he'll suck it up in 2012 and try once again to qualify for the Indy 500. And Bourdais has won on an oval before (I believe he won twice at Las Vegas) so it's not like he can't do it.



The other big Indycar story was Andretti Autosport hiring Mike Conway for its fourth car. Conway, who was seriously injured last year at Indianapolis, apparently brings some serious sponsorship to the car that was driven by Tony Kanaan last season (Dad's Root Beer?) because that was the only way team owner Michael Andretti was going to run a fourth car. The four car effort is now essentially a big ass youth movement, with Marco Andretti, Danica Patrick, and Ryan Hunter-Reay in the other cars. The team no longer has an old pro to help set up the cars, especially at Indy, so is this another chance for Michael to put the driver's suit back on? I mean, to a certain extent, when it comes to Indy, he knows how to go fast and that's what you need at Indy. We'll see how it works out.






It was also announced last week that KV Racing signed up Takuma Sato and E.J. Viso for the 2011 season. Sato will be back in the Lotus car and Viso, I assume, will be in the other car (I think it was the "PDVSA" car). Hopefully they both have better, more stable seasons. I don't think the team can deal with two wrecked cars in just about every race again.


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That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Brain: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.

Lois: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealing' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...

Quagmire: Oh God!

Lois:...and I was trying' to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...

Quagmire: Oh God!!!

Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling' that hole.

Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!

Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.

Quagmire: That one is also sexual."


That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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