A Fool's Utopia 7.21.11: Fall TV Preview -- ABC

Posted by Ron Martin on 07.21.2011

This week in one man's utopia we'll take a look at the new fall lineup for ABC, talk Bad Teacher, Grantland and Finding Bigfoot. Also, at no extra charge, fantasy football, Chicken McNuggets, Digital Underground and the third installment of the Amityville series.

It's that time of year, people. Actually I am a couple of weeks late, but who's counting. Let's begin my fourth annual look at the upcoming new shows from network TV. This year, I think we'll start with…




2010 Recap

Better With You

I wrote…"However, it's not looking good for the home team as this dynamic has been played out over the years (The Brady Girls anyone?) and played out much better. Not even a chuckle."

REALITY: Better With You got a full season in before being officially cancelled this past May.

Body of Proof

I wrote…"There's nothing here that caught my eye to set it apart from anything else and if you're going to go this route, then you have about three minutes to differentiate yourself. The people already have their forensic-ish fill for their week."

REALITY: I always underestimate the ability of the American public to sit through anything. And I always underestimate medical dramas. Body of Proof ran nine episodes to mixed critical reviews, but decent ratings. Its new season starts in September.

No Ordinary Family

I wrote…"Give this one a shot, see where it goes. I'm not promising it will reinvent the nightly drama, but it's done enough for me to at least hear it out. BALL FOUR. BATTER! TAKE YOUR BASE! Plus, I am pro anything that puts Julie Benz on my TV."

REALITY: I was right about one thing – it didn't reinvent the nightly drama! The show started out strong, but declining ratings led to its cancellation after one season.

Detroit 1-8-7

I wrote…"Sorry, I could have expanded that into a paragraph but the preview was so boring I didn't really feel like it was worth it. I hope they at least filmed in Detroit to give the city a much needed infusion of cash, but I doubt they even did that. Sadly, it will probably get okay ratings only because it will be following the highest rated show on TV, Dancing with the Stars."

REALITY: The ratings weren't there, though the show did get all its episodes aired in the first season. It, like most of the other new shows, got cancelled.

Last season, I went 2 for 4, which is actually better than ABC did – they went 1 for 4. Let's see what they got in store for us this season.


Previews

Apartment 23



ABC is pimping this as a hilarious all female contemporary version of The Odd Couple. STRIKE ONE. Not that I don't like The Odd Couple but when you have to use a former show to promote a newer show – those things don't usually work out. The storyline follows June (Dreama Walker) from the Midwest to New York, which is actually a staple storyline that isn't burnt out. BALL ONE. After a shitty, shitty time she finds a roommate in Chloe (Krysten Ritter) whose BFF happens to be James Van Der Beek. BALL TWO.I don't know why, but Van Der Beek has climbed the ladder of ridiculous former celebrities who probably shouldn't have a career anymore, but make money just popping up as themselves. At first, Chloe is a huge bitch and her and June have it out. Chloe steals all of June's money, June sells all of Chloe's furniture, Chloe has sex with June's fiancée on June's birthday cake – you know, the usual. BALL THREE. Eventually Chloe accepts June into her inner circle and they two take on New York. This really could go either way. I can see this going on for a few years or tanking after four episodes. It's easy to write a couple of funny episodes, but where do you go when you have to write the meat and potatoes of the series? Ritter has an odd charisma that makes me want to do bad things to her, so I'm going to let this one fly. There's more good here than bad. BALL FOUR! BATTER, TAKE YOUR BASE!

Charlie's Angels, Thursdays 8 PM




Remember what I said about rehashing old shows? STRIKE ONE. Drew Barrymore brings us the story of three criminals given a second chance by Charlie Townsend. Yadda, yadda, yadda. One of the reasons the original Charlie's Angels worked out so well is that the girls showed a sexiness that, at the time, wasn't shown on TV. Now, that's all there is. These three are just three more generic pretty faces in a sea of television pretty faces. STRIKE TWO. I can't see this catching on with a younger audience and any older audience that might have tuned in for nostalgic purposes are just too old at this point. There's a reason things come back after 20 or so years -- that's because the adults of the time are bringing back their youth. These adults time to bring anything back is over. That doesn't fare well for these Angels. STRIKE THREE. YOU"RE OOOOOUUUTTTT!!!!!

Last Man Standing, Tuesdays 8 PM



ABC is making a big deal about Tim Allen's return to their network. Why not? He had a smash hit sitcom and he's a Disney go to guy. They love him so much they gave him a dreadful timeslot where he'll be going up against Dancing With The Stars recap shows, Glee and The Biggest Loser. STRIKE ONE. Basically, Last Man Standing is the next step in the life of Tim Taylor. In this life he is known as Mike Baxter and instead of three sons, he has to deal with three daughters. BALL ONE. While the sitcom comes off almost as a parody of old school laugh track sitcoms (STRIKE TWO – if this were intentional, it would be a BALL), Allen's charisma is on full display. Even when the jokes aren't that great, he can get a chuckle. BALL TWO. There's nothing really new here. The whole "man living in a woman's world" thing has been done before, but it is a timeless vault of comedy. I can see this show getting ratings as people who grew up with Tim Allen are likely to come back to him, however, all those people are already busy with other shows at 8 PM on Tuesdays. If they move the show around, good things will happen. Otherwise, STRIKE THREE! YOU'RE OOOOUUUUTTTTT!!!!!

Man Up, Tuesdays 8:30 PM



Paired with the show above, Man Up is about today's guy trying to become a little more like their forefathers and thus more manly. BALL ONE. The story revolves around Craig (Christopher Moynihan), Will (Matthew Zickel) and Kenny (Dan Fogler) as three friends trying to shed their sensitive sides and be men in today's world. Hilarity ensues. Actually, from what I've seen, Man Up does bring the funny. BALL TWO. Little things like having to whisper into the headset while playing Call of Duty because you got yelled at by your wife to big things like crashing the wedding of your ex to proclaim your love only to have the entire groom's party chase you home to beat the living tar out of you and your buddies, all work. BALL THREE. I know this is a terrible timeslot like I mentioned for Last Man Standing and probably the fate of these two shows are tied together. I get what ABC is trying to do. They're trying to lure the 25-40 year old guy who doesn't watch Glee or Dancing or Biggest Loser. They're all in. It's a smart move. I really like the premise of this show and I know that either it's going to be cancelled with Last Man Standing or it's going to fly into another season with it. I'm going to split the difference. BALL FOUR! BATTER! TAKE YOUR BASE! Oh, I almost forgot to mention – Amanda Detmer? Smoking hot.

Once Upon A Time, Sundays 8 PM



This story is brought to you by the creators of Lost (BALL ONE) and tells the tale of Emma Swan (Jennifer Morrison). Swan is a bail bonds woman who is contacted by her long lost son whom she gave up for adoption ten years prior. He brings her to Storybrooke, where the worlds of reality and fairy tale meet. Emma is the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming and was sent into the real world to avoid a curse put on her by the Evil Queen. This act, however, has frozen the land of fairy tales. As the character slip back and forth between reality and fairy tales, the possibilities are endless. BALL TWO. This looks amazing. The cinematography and special effects are movie worthy, the story is original and the resources for future storylines are endless. BALL THREE. If you can get past some overacting (STRIKE ONE), you'll be excited about the possibilities. This is going to be a runaway hit as I can't think of a single demographic that is won't appeal to. When a concept is good enough to make me think "man, I wish I'd thought of that," you have something. BALL FOUR! BATTER TAKE YOUR BASE!

Revenge, Wednesdays 10 PM



Let's see, where haven't we done a drama about beautiful people? The Hamptons! STRIKE ONE. Emily Thorne (Emily Van Camp) has returned to the Hamptons where the locals once decimated her and her family. She only has one motive on her mind – revenge. She takes a summer to extract this revenge in various forms on each person she believes has wronged her. Along the way there are twists and turns and secrets revealed. Does the television world need this? It's a soap opera wrapped up in a night time drama STRIKE TWO. While there's not a lot of competition in this timeslot (Law and Order -- that's it), this hour is a tricky one to master. I don't think Emily and her Hamptons friends have enough tricks up their sleeve to pull it off. The promos read almost as parody promos buried in a much better movie. STRIKE THREE! YOU'RE OOOOUUUTTTTT!

That does it for ABC, but they gave me a run like they never have before. They loaded up the bases and give me hops for their new upcoming season.

WHAT TO WATCH ON ABC: Modern Family, Wipeout.

The Return of IT CAME FROM THE FIVE DOLLAR BIN

I've been working my way through these movies. Slowly but surely, I'll finish all 112 of them, but for now, I'm just on the third installment, so I give you…




Amityville 3D.

Watching this on DVD, I did not have the option of watching in 3D, which is fine with me because I really don't like the 3D format that much anyways. However, watching a 3D movie from the early 80s in 2D is a trip because you can see all the places they tried the 3D effect. Amityville 3D seems to pay no homage or follow the storylines of the first two movies. The Amityville Horror focused on the story of George and Kathy Lutz, while the sequel retold the harrowing tale of Ronnie DeFeo and his murdering of his entire family in the house (but not using the DeFeo family name). The third installment mentions the DeFeos by name, but doesn't mention the Lutz's at all. This could be due to the lawsuit the Lutz's had at the time with Dino De Laurentis. Also, the infamous Red Room in the basement has been pitched in favor of a Well to Hell. As a side note, the Well to Hell is not nearly as frightening as the Red Room.



The story revolves around John Baxter, a writer for Reveal magazine who ends up buying the house after he and his partner, Melanie debunk some psychics working out of the house. Baxter is loosely based on Steve Kaplan the real life parapsychologist who has been trying to debunk the Amityville story since the 70s. For the record, I figured that out before researching this movie. Baxter is hardcore against believing there is anything wrong with the house despite its past history. He doesn't buy into when the real estate agent dies on the day he is to go in and sign the papers. He doesn't buy into when Melanie burns to death in her car. He doesn't even buy into when his own daughter (played an extremely young Lori Loughlin) drowns outside the house. He only finally gives in when a paranormal team enters the house and a green ghost glob lures the lead investigator, his wife and himself to the Well to Hell where the cheesiest, rubbery demon pops out and take down the investigator causing the entire house to blow up.

This is supposedly a horror movie, right? How about a horror film without a drop of blood? Yeah, there was a burnt corpse that popped out at one point, but as far as gore or suspense go, I'm not convinced David Fleischer knows what those two words mean. I know this is how the 3D experience was back then, but really it was just random things getting really close to the camera. If you're idea of a scary 3D experience is a giant boom mike looming over your head, then this is the movie for you. The acting was pretty atrocious all around, though this is one of the early movie appearances of Meg Ryan, who plays Lori Loughlin's paranormal loving friend in a supporting role where she doesn't do much of anything. There was an interesting storyline developing near the beginning of the film where Melanie developed a bunch of pictures that included the real estate agent whose face was blotted out in every photo, just days before he died. However, the storyline is killed without any resolution about a third of the way through the film. Nice. Baxter in this film reminds me of the boyfriend in Paranormal Activity. Yeah, you're skeptical, but when obvious shit it happening, the audience can only believe in your skepticism for so long before you lose them. John Baxter most definitely crosses that line. At least the house at 112 Ocean Lane is gone forever, having blown up. Wait, I've seen the fourth movie in this series and the house is back in tact without reason or explanation. Oy. 1/5

QUOTE OF THE MOVIE:
LISA: I heard you bought yourself a haunted house.
JOHN BAXTER: I just bought the house, not the ghosts.


FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. I've now seen every episode of Animal Planet's Finding Bigfoot. When the series started, I had what could best described as restrained expectations. I thought this was another show hopping on what is a dying paranormal bandwagon. However, it was based on finding Sasquatch, which was something that had not been done in a series format. Color me interested. I was convinced after watching the half dozen or so episodes in this first season that this was a one and done deal, that this show was sure to be cancelled. Apparently not as their last episode a "behind the scenes" episode they listed off a bunch of places they were scheduled to go next season.



They also said something that disturbed me. They claimed to not be out to catch a Sasquatch. I understand the difficulties of catching a Sasquatch, but this show has one catch that other paranormal shows do not. They could conceivably produce tangible evidence in form of a Sasquatch or even if they came across a body. This is something other paranormal shows cannot produce. No matter how good the evidence was on last week's Ghost Hunters International, there are always going to be non-believers who shoot it down or when they can't think of anything else, they'll say "It was TV tricks." Producing a Sasquatch disqualifies all that. Every location they go to they declare there are Sasquatch there without any real hard evidence. They get a pass for now because they're only a handful of episodes in, but there's going to come a time when random screams in the night, knocking sounds and footprints aren't going to be enough.

2. I had planned on writing an article in the future about how Hollywood has tricked us into believing that Ryan Reynolds is a big star, when he's not. In fact, it was going to be my first article after my yearly fall previews. I even wrote it down in my notebook. That makes it official, kids! It was with mixed emotions that I read Bill Simmons column on the very same subject matter. I was happy that he wrote it because a) it meant that I wasn't alone in this thought process and b) he wrote the column much better than I ever could. I was sad that he wrote it because a) that means I have to find new subject matter for that week and b) he wrote the column much better than I ever could. Seriously, Bill lays it out in a way that I wouldn't have been able to. Check it out. That's why he gets paid to do nothing but write columns and I toil away at my craft in between serving dollar drafts to drunken college students.

3. To my fantasy football brethren, I call upon you to help me make a bold choice that may affect my entire fantasy season. In my 14 team keeper league, I had the second best record last season but bombed in the playoffs finishing in 4th place, giving me the 11th pick in every round of our non-snaking draft. I can keep three players but I lose a first, second and third round pick for every player I keep. For example, if I keep two players, I lose my first and second round picks. Last year I kept Drew Brees, Antonio Gates and Reggie Wayne. I traded Drew Brees for draft picks. As possible keepers this year I have, Ahmad Bradshaw, Austin Collie, Marques Colston, Antonio Gates, Jeremy Maclin, Ryan Mathews, Ryan Torain and Reggie Wayne. I'm leaning towards Gates, Bradshaw and Wayne, though I'm trying to deal Reggie. I'm not sold on Mathews or Torain. I don't know that Collie can put up the kind of numbers he did when he played last year with Dallas Clark back in the lineup or if he can even stay healthy all season. Colston disappears for games at a time and while I like Maclin a lot, he and DeSean Jackson seem to trade off on good games. Any suggestions?



4. I went to the movies the other day and due to it being the playing at the closest time to when I arrived, I ended up seeing Bad Teacher. That's cool. I kind of wanted to see it, but I also kind of new I'd feel much better about it if I saw it on NETFLIX or on DVD. I'm not a Cameron Diaz guy. There's Something About Mary and The Sweetest Thing is about it. I thought the previews were funny for Bad Teacher, and it's a pretty funny movie. I wouldn't call it outrageously funny or anything, but I was surprised by how many "gross out" gags they had. It's too bad this movie didn't fare better because it would have been a breakout performance for Lucy Punch, whom was the best thing about the movie. The ending really killed this for me as it came out of nowhere and involved a lot of trusting on the audience's part. If you haven't seen, don't go out of your way. It's what you expect it is. Worth a download on NETFLIX, but that's about it. 2.5/5

5. I caught the episode of Man vs. Wild that co-starred Jake Gylenhaal. Outside of Donnie Darko, I am no fan of Jake's, but give credit where credit is due, big ups to Jake for roughing it out. Survivalist training is something I've always been interested in, but Jack even did something I don't know if I'd have the balls to do by shimmying across a rope that dangled above a cavern where one misstep cost you your life. I am sure off camera there were safety measures in place, but all the same, kudos to Jake for pulling it off. Aside from that, dude ate a worm for breakfast and spent the night in a snow cave. Not exactly the Hilton.

USELESS TRIVIA and SHAMELESS PLUGGING

Last Week's USELESS TRIVIA:

What film was the first in which zombies audibly proclaimed they wanted ‘brains?'

Answer: 1985's Return of the Living Dead

This week's USELESS TRIVIA

Avatar may be the highest grossing movie of all times, but when you adjust ticket prices for inflation, it sits at #14 all time. Adjust for inflation, what is the highest grossing movie of all time?

This week's SHAMELESS PLUGGING.

If you want to find out what happened when Led Zeppelin met Elvis Presley, or you're a Rammstein fan, then this week's Ask 411 Music, currently viewable over in the 411Music section, is for you!





This Week on RETRO



No matter how unsuccessful I am in all endeavors, I will always have two things to tell my imaginary grandchildren when I grow old and am stricken down with Alzheimer's. One, I was alive for the beginnings of Chicken McNuggets. Two, I have three testicles. I don't really have three testicles, but I figure the radiation caused by cell phones will have me growing a third one in no time. Yeah, it was 1983 when the world was introduced to Chicken McNuggets. This was the first time chicken was served in nugget form. We do not know what constitutes a nugget, but they're tasty so we don't ask. Only bad things come from asking questions that you don't care to know the answer to. Chances are there were chicken nuggets in some form before McDonalds stole the idea, added the required "Mc" in front of nugget and claimed it as their own. If there is, again, we don't want to know about it. The world is a better place when I believe that a skinny clown spent hours upon hours in his basement laboratory experiment with various pieces of dead chicken to come up with one of the greatest food inventions of our time. If you feel you must prove me wrong, then go away – nobody likes you.

The original McNuggets came with your choice of barbeque sauce, sweet n sour sauce or hot mustard. I always thought "hot mustard" was an odd choice for a third sauce. No ranch. No honey mustard. Hot Mustard. It was the mysterious allure of the hot mustard sauce that drew it to me. It was by far the darkest (not in color, but in attitude) of all the original sauces and I'm a sucker for the dark side. If Darth Vader ever ate Chicken McNuggets, he definitely used hot mustard sauce. I don't know if they still have the hot mustard sauce, but if they do, they don't advertise it as one of their top sauces and that is a crime.



I stopped eating Chicken McNuggets around the time that they became anthropomorphic in the commercials. One, I was just at the age where Big Macs were so much cooler than Chicken McNuggets. Two, the idea that my Chicken McNuggets had eyes and wore Halloween costumes made it much easier to not eat them. How could I deny a McNugget his right to dress as Dracula and talk to a giant clown? Probably for the best as McNuggets came under attack in the new century for having a bunch of ingredients that no one could pronounce and come from leftover chicken parts mashed together. While all of this is probably true, McDonalds changed the McNuggets to all white meat. That seemed to make everyone forget about what pesky researcher said. And the McNugget still makes them millions of dollars a day. I hope you have enjoyed this ode to Chicken McNuggets and Hot Mustard sauce.

NEXT!



From parts of a chicken that I'll never forget to a music video that I'll never forget.

The early 90s were full of all sorts of gimmicky type rap singles. We had Sir Mix-a-lots ode to big butts, Vanilla Ice hit big and Biz Markie was decrying ladies lying about their friends nationwide. While I enjoyed all those songs, I don't think I enjoyed any of them quite as much as the Digital Underground's "Humpty Dance." With a catchy beat and rhymes that were easy to remember, it wasn't hard to like. Helping the song out was the crazy music video with singer "Humpty Hump" and his weird glasses and giant nose.

Humpty Hump is of course the alter ego of rapper Shock G of the Digital Underground. The song peaked just outside the top ten at #11 on the Billboard Charts, but my guess is few if any of the songs above it on the charts have gotten as much play since. "The Humpty Dance" is a perennial party favorite and to this day I have no qualms about walking up to someone and telling them that I'll eat all their crackers and licorice. When they look at me as if I had escaped from an asylum, I bust out the word luptid. The inevitable follow up of "What?!" is answered with a simple, "yeah, word that don't mean nuthin'" You see, "The Humpty Dance" isn't just a hit rap song from the early 90s, it's a way of life.

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

July 21, 1988

#1 Single



"The Flame" by Cheap Trick

#1 Album



OU812 by Van Halen

#1 Movie



Coming to America

I must leave you now.