The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 10.10.2011 Issue #177 Hatchet (2006)
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 10.10.2011
In this issue The 4th Annual The Gratuitous B-Movie Column October Slasher Movie Celebration continues with a look at the awesome 2006 slasher flick Hatchet, plus some TV Quick Hits (Harry’s Law, Melissa McCarthy on Saturday Night Live, and Malcolm in the Middle on IFC), a new B-Movie Babe is crowned, a new Douchebag is named, and more! Check it out!
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #177: Hatchet (2006)
The 4th Annual The Gratuitous B-Movie Column October Slasher Movie Celebration: Week 2
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that wishes it was possible to jump inside a computer and fight a computer virus hand-to-hand (a stick fight would be cool, too), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number one hundred and seventy-seven, I continue the 4th Annual The Gratuitous B-Movie Column October Slasher Movie Celebration with a look at the great modern slasher epic from 2006, Hatchet, written and directed by Adam Green and featuring the Kane Hodder as a big, bad ass monster slasher bad guy named Victor Crowley.
Hatchet (2006)
Hatchet is both the kind of slasher movie that was all the rage back in the glorious 1980's and the kind of modern slasher movie that, even when it's filling the screen with massive sprays of blood, guts, and gore, doesn't take itself all that seriously. However, unlike the Scream movies, Hatchet isn't filled with snarky assholes commenting on what's happening and directly relating it to a movie they just watched. Everything happening in Hatchet is "really" happening to the characters in the story and they're trying to figure out how not to get killed. No one has time to say, "Ha! This is just like Blood Lake 5: Tom's Revenge when Tom got his face cut off with a table saw!" because there's not time to make a connection like that. There's a killer in the fucking woods coming after them.
The movie stars Joel David Moore as Ben, a sort of nerdy guy bored to death with the naked Mardi Gras debauchery before him. Ben would much rather go do something else, something more in tune with the non-naked culture of New Orleans, like go on a haunted swamp boat tour. Ben's buddies all poopoo that idea as they'd rather hang around Bourbon Street and check out the hot chicks and their glorious boobies (and whatever else they decide to "flash." It is Mardi Gras). Just because Ben is upset with the fact that he no longer has a girlfriend and that every time he sees flashed breasts he thinks of her is no reason for them to not have naked boobie fun. However, Ben is able to convince/guilt his best pal Marcus (Deon Richmond) to go along with the haunted swamp boat tour thing. Finding a viable boat tour, though, is hard. The first one Ben and Marcus check out, the one run by Reverend Zombie (Tony Todd), is out of business because of a lawsuit threat. They eventually find a kind of low rent tour run by Shawn (Parry Shen), an Asian guy with a hilariously fake "New Orleans" accent and one of the nastiest looking small buses in the history of small buses. While on the bus ride to the swamp boat Ben and Marcus meet the mysterious Marybeth (Tamara Feldman), who just isn't all that interested in Ben's lame small talk. Ben and Marcus also meet the sleazy low budget porn producer Doug Shapiro (Joel Murray), Shapiro's two latest hot babes Misty (Mercedes McNab) and Jenna (Joleigh Fioreavanti), and the old tourist couple Jim and Shannon Permatteo (the great Richard Riehle and Patrika Darbo).
The ride out to the swamp is kind of long and boring, and the initial part of the boat ride is somewhat lackluster. There isn't much to see in the dark, and the only people who seem to be having any fun are the Permatteo's. Things pick up a bit when Shawn mentions the local legend Victor Crowley and how the swamp may be filled with ghosts. No one really believes the Crowley story, and several people argue about what the swamp ghosts really are (swamp gas or fog or some such). Suddenly, Shawn accidentally drives the boat into a big underwater rock that then causes the boat to slowly sink (in Shawn's defense he isn't all that experienced when it comes to driving a boat during a haunted swamp boat tour). It then starts to rain. As the group tries to abandon ship, Jim gets attacked by a hungry gator (those damn things are everywhere), and just about everyone starts to panic. No one's cell phone works out in the woods. No one knows where the nearest road is. There are hungry gators everywhere. And that Victor Crowley story may, in fact, be true, and there's a good chance that there really is a gigantic, horribly disfigured monster running around the swamp just looking for people to dismember. What the hell are they going to do?
It's at this point in the movie that Hatchet shifts into slasher movie high gear and characters start getting offed one by one in spectacularly gory ways. People get cut in half, people get their heads ripped open and off, and limbs and blood fly high into the air. We also get to see, via flashback, the "real story" of Victor Crowley and why Marybeth went on the swamp tour carrying a gun. Crowley's flashback story, in short, is as follows: mutant kid Victor is cared for out in the woods and away from everyone by his loving father played by Kane Hodder. On Halloween night local kids throw firecrackers at mutant kid's house and set it on fire. Dad tries to save son and bash door in with a hatchet. Dad ends up slamming the hatchet into his son's face, essentially splitting it up the middle, because son had his face pressed up against the door. Dad dies and Victor, still much alive, spends the rest of his life in the swamp crying out for his dead father). As for Marybeth, she just wants to find out what happened to her family. Marybeth's father, played by the immortal Robert Englund, and her brother went out into the swamp to hunt gators at night. They didn't come home. Did Crowley get them?
One of the best things about Hatchet, besides the gore created by the John Carl Buechler (who also has a nice cameo as Jack Cracker, a sort of old town coot that likes to drink his own urine), is the way Green never wastes time. Even when it seems like Green is just showing off and trying to be funny, like in the "getting to know all of the characters on the bus" section where everyone seems to argue with one another, it all pays off later on (good God these people are doomed. They have no idea how to get along and work together). You just don't see that kind of thing all that much anymore. I also want to commend Green for never forgetting that a slasher movie, even at its most disgusting and scary, is supposed to be fun. Look at what happens to Jim and Shannon. It's awful and nasty and brutal, sure, but it's also kind of funny because it's so over-the-top ridiculous. You just don't see that all that much anymore, either.
The cast is excellent. Joel David Moore, who we saw a few issues ago in Shark Night 3D, is perfect as Ben. He's kind of annoying at first, sort of a whiner, but he grows on you more and more as the movie goes on. You root for him to get out of the swamp. It's also cool that he never slides into snarky pop culture nerd thing that's so dang popular these days (sort of like his performance in Shark Night 3D, at least at the beginning). Tamara Feldman is great as the mysterious Marybeth. She just hits every horror movie heroine note right. She's tough, she doesn't brood all that much, and when the shit hits the fan she doesn't completely fall apart. Awesome, awesome stuff. Deon Richmond, the "black guy" from the classic Not Another Teen Movie, is fabulous as Ben's buddy Marcus. He's funny without being a jag off, and the bit where he decides to hide in the tree is pretty dang smart, at least in theory (I'm shocked no one else thought of doing that kind of thing in a slasher movie before). Joel Murray is hysterical as the professional sleazebag Doug Shapiro. Just watch the man's facial expressions. You'll bust a gut laughing. And Mercedes McNab and Joleigh Fioreavanti are great potential lesbian porno actors Misty and Jenna. Both are incredibly hot even when they're being bitchy and annoying.
Richard Riehle, good old Tom from Office Space, and Patrika Darbo are a blast as the old tourist couple Jim and Shannon (they're probably living off the money from the "Jump to Conclusions" mat). You almost kind of wish they wandered off into the woods by themselves and had their own ridiculous adventure (how about doing that for a sort of Hatchet side sequel? I bet it would rock). And Parry Shen does a bang up job as Shawn the somewhat hapless swamp boat driver. Listening to Shen do the fake "New Orleans" accent and try to keep his composure as people point out just how fake sounding it is is great stuff. I loved every second of it.
Robert Englund does a nice job in the flick's opening sequence as Sampson the gator hunter. I'd love to see him get a regular gig on a sitcom because he has expert comic timing (he'd be great on something like The Office or Raising Hope). Tony Todd does a nice turn in an extended cameo as Reverend Zombie. He, too, should get more comedy work because he knows how to ham it up. And then there's Kane Hodder as Victor Crowley. The man is nothing short of amazing. Hopefully one day slasher movie fans revere his performance here as Crowley as much as they revere his four turns as Jason Voorhees because it is that damn good and that damn iconic. Just like Parry Shen's performance as Shawn I loved every second of Hodder's Crowley. Awesome, awesome stuff.
The movie's ending will probably piss some people off since it really doesn't have an ending. The story just basically stops. I loved it as it's a great way to set up a possible sequel. People will want to know what the heck happened. And next issue I'll talk about what happened as I review the sequel Hatchet II, which roughly came out four years after the first flick. But for now, check out Hatchet as soon as you can. It's a great slasher flick, one of the best of the last ten years. A bonafide modern classic.
See Hatchet. See it, see it, see it.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: 10
Explosions: None.
Nudity?: Absolutely.
Doobage: Guy urinating off the side of a boat, serious body gutting, bloody spine removal, massive blood spray, a funny story about crabs, barfing, topless chicks kissing, a small yellow bus, an argument about why they bury their dead above ground in New Orleans, urine drinking, boat wrecking, gator attack with nasty leg wound, a nasty flashback, firecracker attack, house on fire, hatchet through the door and into the face, man gets cut in half, the top of a woman's head gets ripped off, bullet to the chest, tree climbing, nasty head twisting, face punching, a room full of dead animals, a raccoon, belt sander to the face, bloody leg removal, decapitation, wooden pole through the body, head removal, garden trowel to the back of the head, a big fire, more barfing, a massive bear hug, arm removal, body smashing, metal gate pole through the foot, metal gate pole through the chest, more arm removal, a Friday the 13th homage, and a nifty ending.
Kim Richards?: Yes.
Gratuitous: Robert Englund, alligators, Robert Englund smoking a pipe, Mardi Gras, boobies, Tony Todd, Tony Todd saying "That cocksucker!," Joel Murray, Richard Riehle, porno talk, John Carl Buechler, John Carl Buechler drinking his own urine, marsh vapors, alligator attack, Kane Hodder, tree climbing, a black bag, a shot at Hofstra, a room full of dead animals, belt sander to the face, people walking in circles, a tombstone with the name "Green," barfing, a monster that looks like a cross between Jason Voorhees and the Toxic Avenger, and a nifty ending.
Best lines: "I said shut up you little queer!," "I think I'd rather skin my own dick," "What do you want? We want to do a haunted swamp tour," "That cocksucker!," "Girls, no one ever got discovered by being difficult," "I hate you," "Thirty dollars? Can you spot me? What, you don't have any cash? No, it's just I'm not paying for this bullshit," "Dude, that's the boat?," "Ya'll gonna die!," "Hey, isn't the cypress the official tree of Louisiana?," "Ya'll try the crawfish yet?," "Perfect. Hey, who wants to be in a Halloween video?," "The police are going to send the cops?," "Damn, I could be at a bar," "No bars! I hate the south!," "Tell me this is part of the tour," "I don't trust anyone around here. I mean, these people sleep exclusively with their own families," "You can shoot a ghost?," "Victor Crowley is real!," "Why don't you suck off your own Dad, bitch!," "Why are all men such slime?," "I think he ate these things," "You hit me?," "Come on you freak, you look like you've been molested by wolves!," "Yes! Burn bitch!," "You gotta be fucking kidding me!," and "Listen, we're still alive. We made it."
Rating: 9.5/10.0
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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!
Please check out The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which can be seen here. It just started so there's not much there at the moment. But, as time goes by, expect to see daily questions and musings and other B-movie hooey. And it would be cool if you "liked" it, too.
- Harry's Law: I still like this show, but I don't understand why it was necessary to change the show to the point where it comes off as a kind of funnier The Practice starring Kathy Bates. Why isn't Bates' Harry still working cases out of the office that doubles as a shoe store? Why the heck did the show get rid of the uber hot Brittany Snow and bring in Mark Valley, who should be starring in season three of Human Target? And is it me or has Tommy Jefferson become a slightly younger version of Will Shatner's character Denny Crane from Boston Legal? I like it and it's funny and all, but why is Tommy so over the top now?
I think NBC and David E. Kelley made a huge mistake making the show seem "bigger." Harry shouldn't be running a big ass law firm from a big office. She should be still be sitting on the other side of the door, ready with her pistol in the event another rat shows up and needs blasting and looking out for the "neighborhood" folks that need her help. Didn't this show have a relatively big rating last year (well, big for NBC)? Again, why the hell did the network and Kelley change the show? Wasn't it working just fine before?
- Melissa McCarthy on Saturday Night Live: It was fun to see McCarthy on SNL, as she was obviously game for every sketch she was in. I just wish the show had come up with better skits for her to be in. That Lawrence Welk sketch was awful (why do they keep doing that sketch? It's never been funny once). The office sketch was okay. The salad dressing sketch was just a different version of the office sketch, just with ranch dressing. And that last sketch, where she met the dude in the bar, that just sucked. If she's ever invited back the show needs to come up with better stuff for her to do.
Why the heck didn't the show do a "What's Up With That?" sketch with her? I bet that would have kicked ass.
- Why is Malcolm in the Middle on IFC?: I know that IFC is no longer exclusively in the "showing independent movies" business, but why exactly is the channel now airing Malcolm in the Middle? Malcolm is a great sitcom, sure, but why isn't it on something like Nickelodeon or TV Land? Aren't those networks a better fit? How does Malcolm fit into the hip and edgy pseudo hipster "thing" that the network started with The Ben Stiller Show and Arrested Development reruns? I don't get it.
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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Theme of the Week
Enjoy.
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And now, the weekly Fearnet update
Fearnet, the only free all horror/thriller On Demand TV network features uncut, uncensored horror flicks from the past and present 24 hours a day, seven days a week, pretty much any time you freaking want them (as long as you still have power, that is). The channel also has behind-the-scenes stuff, trailers, and other cool hooey for you to check out. Check your local cable listings for availability (Fearnet recently returned to Time Warner cable after a too long hiatus, so if you have Time Warner and you're not sure if you have it, take five minutes out of your TV watching day and find out. You'll be glad you did).
Fearnet also exists as a regular old TV channel. This Fearnet airs horror movies roughly twenty one hours a day (there is a block of infomercials in the morning, usually from 6-9am est). The movies shown do have "commercial breaks" in them, similar to the breaks that currently appear on IFC, but the movies are uncut (blood and boobs and cursing are all intact).
Fearnet's website, fearnet.com, offers free movies, interviews, news, and other behind-the-scenes horror movie nerd stuff, too. The great Trapped Ashes was on the site last week. Is it still there? Check and see).
The website also features Post Mortem with Mick Garris, a nifty interview show where big, fat Stephen King's favorite director talks with genre legends like John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Roger Corman, William Friedkin, and others. It's definitely worth your time.
If you're a Facebook nerd (and, really, today, who isn't?) you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Join them. And, as always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement.
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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Babe of the Week: Brittany Snow
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Things to Watch Out For This Week
- Swamp Shark: I believe this low budget monster aired on the Sci Fi Channel earlier this year (I seem to remember a review in my local newspaper where the writer wondered why Kristy Swanson was in this movie. Maybe she wanted to be in it. Did you ever think of that?). I didn't see it then, but it looks decent enough for a low budget sci-fi monster movie to make an effort to see it now. Or at least rent it.
- Incredible Hulk Returns/The Trial of the Incredible Hulk: I saw both of these made-for-TV movies a long, long time ago and the only thing I remember about either one of them is that Daredevil appears in Trial, not in the usual red crime fighting costume from the comic book and the Ben Affleck movie but in a black outfit. The IC TV movies are all generally good anyway, so why not get a two for with this DVD release? It's not like these movies are on TV anymore.
- Night Patrol/The Wrong Guys: I have never seen Night Patrol, but The Wrong Guys is a freaking comedy classic. It's got Louie Anderson, Richard Lewis, Richard Belzer, Franklin Ajaye, John Goodman, Biff Manard, Ernie Hudson, Art LaFleur, Brion James, and Tim freaking Thomerson in it. It's a blast from start to finish. It's about damn time it got another DVD release (I'd personally love to see a full on special edition DVD of the movie, with commentaries and interviews and whatnot, but that probably won't happen. The world just isn't cool enough to have that happen).
And, hey, you get Night Patrol with it. Sounds like a good deal to me.
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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week
This week, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week goes to the New York Times, the alleged "liberal" media and paper of record, for attempting to belittle the "Occupy Wall Street" protestors and make it sound like they're all unkempt, "dirty hippies" that just don't understand how the business world works. You expect to hear that kind of shit from the editorial pages of the Daily News and New York Post as there isn't a greedy prick douchebag businessman in the world that either wouldn't suck off in public at a moment's notice, but from the NYT you expect at least a smidgen of real sympathy for the protestors' cause. But, no, the Times wants you to believe that, in the end, the whole thing is just a big nuisance that won't change anything because the protestors "don't know what they believe in exactly" just yet. I guess it just isn't important to get people who have been fucked repeatedly in the ass (the "99%") together to figure out what to do. It's so much better to keep things the way they are.
And another thing (I saw this in Saturday's Times): while it may be true that the increased foot traffic into the public bathrooms of businesses near the main protest area have caused those businesses to clean up their public bathrooms more often, you don't need a massive public protest to have broken sinks and shitty floors in pizza shop bathrooms. You get that kind of thing all of the time from "regular" customers. Please stop making a big deal out of it. It isn't indicative of anything. It just isn't.
Up next is ultra right wing psychopath and formerly famous country singer Hank Williams, Jr., for whining about his firing by ESPN over his "Obama is Hitler/the enemy" comments on Fox News Channel's awful Fox & Friends morning show. Had Hank just said "I apologize" and left it at that he'd still have a job doing the opening theme to ESPN's Monday Night Football. But no, Hank had to make himself a First Amendment martyr and make it sound like he's the one being persecuted. He isn't. Hank said something stupid, he got called out on it, he didn't really apologize, and now he's suffering the consequences (what happened to all of that "personal responsibility" shit that right wingers constantly yammer on about? Since when does ESPN have to associate with people it doesn't believe reflect well on it?). ESPN should have fired him for making an analogy that didn't make any sense when he said it and then made even less sense when he tried to explain what he was really talking about.
Jesus Christ, man. Where the fuck is Laura Ingraham and her "shut up and sing" thing?
And finally there's the segment of the American people that still doesn't "get" the former half-term governor of Alaska and our next president Sarah Palin. You all know who you are. You actually went out and bought her books, showed up for her book signings, gave money to her political action committee, watched her TLC reality show, and foamed your pants when she appeared on Fox News, as you thought that she was getting herself ready for a 2012 Presidential campaign. She was going to take down that terrorist sympathizer (he palled around with them!) and restore America back to its former glory. And you were going to be there for her and the movement and share in the eventual "rewards." And when she announced that she isn't going to run for President in 2012 you didn't have a revelation that the whole "President Palin" thing was nothing more than a money making scheme. You started "planning" for 2016. Because she was going to do it then.
Sarah Palin is never going to be President, at least as the result of an actual Presidential election. She's a fucking moron. She has nothing of value to offer the world. She's interested in creating a brand and selling product to poor, gullible fools. That's it. Please, people, figure it out before it's too late. Don't let her amass an even greater fortune.
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NASCAR and Indycar thoughts
Well, the NASCAR Sprint Cup race at Kansas was a bit of a bore, with five time champion Jimmie Johnson dominating the day, leading the most laps and winning the race. Kasey Kahne tried to make a race of it towards the end, especially after Jeff Gordon blew up and set up a two lap dash to the finish. Kahne got a bad restart, though, and had to settle for second. Brad Keselowski finished third, although I'm not sure how he did that (both Penske cars, the other being last week's race winner Kurt Busch, seemed to have handling problems). Marcos Ambrose had a good day, though, with another top ten finish (he finished ninth). Denny Hamlin had a bad day. What the heck happened there?
And how about Carl Edwards? Where the heck did he come from at the end? Kevin Harvick had another surprise come from behind performance, too. It looks like they're the two best bets for beating Johnson. Hopefully they'll have better luck next week at Charlotte, another track where Johnson tends to kick ass. They can't have a bad or mediocre day. They have to stay ahead of Johnson both on the track and in the pits. Can they do it, though? Can they beat that #48?
The next race is this Saturday night at Charlotte, the only night race in the Chase (and the only Chase race on ABC). It'll be interesting to see if any of the drivers outside of the Chase step up and snatch a win away from the usual top runners. Charlotte has been known to do that. It'll also be interesting to see if, on Friday night during the Nationwide race, if anyone else will be out of a ride, as Reed Sorenson, third place in the points, found himself this past weekend. What the hell is that about? Are sponsor issues that bad?
Clint Bowyer has officially signed with Michael Waltrip Racing for 2012. RCR apparently couldn't keep him around since the overrated Austin Dillon needs a steady Cup ride in 2013 (he earned it, man). Just goes to show you what loyalty and success get you in the end. The same thing a dime gets you. Nothing. I bet Bowyer would have been let go even if he made the Chase. Jeff Burton should have been let go. What the hell has he done lately?
Not much new in Indycar land. The teams are getting ready for the Indycar World Championship at Las Vegas this Sunday. It'll be interesting to see if Team Penske driver Will Power can come back from his bad race at Kentucky and somehow beat Ganassi driver and current point leader Dario Franchitti for the point title. I'd much rather see Power win the title, but unless Franchitti makes some huge fucking mistake in the pits, wrecks, or just has a bad handling car I don't see how he loses. At this point in time Franchitti is just too damn good.
It'll also be interesting to see if Indy 500 Dan Wheldon can come from behind and win the big hooha $5 million challenge. If he somehow pulls it off Wheldon wins half the money (the other half goes to a lucky fan) and, presumably, a solid seat for 2012. I'll be pulling for Wheldon to win, and for Kentucky winner Ed Carpenter to have a good showing (maybe Dollar General will rethink its decision to leave Sarah Fisher Racing and stick around if Carpenter can win two in a row. It's not likely but, hey, good stuff happens sometimes). It would also be cool to see Danica Patrick, in her final Indycar Series race, show up as a contender at the end before she goes to NASCAR full time next season.
Man, Wheldon, Carpenter, and Danica fighting for the race win at the end. That would be fucking awesome. Just fucking awesome.
And what will the grandstand crowd be like for the final race of the year? Will there be a decent size crown on hand, or will it look sad? Hopefully the place is packed. I have my doubts on that happening, but, again, good stuff happens sometimes. Not often, but it does happen. Check it out Sunday afternoon at 3pm est on ABC. I'll be watching.
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Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.
If there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
Hatchet
Joel David Moore- Ben Tamara Feldman- Marybeth Deon Richmond- Marcus Kane Hodder- Victor Crowley/Mr. Crowley Mercedes McNab- Misty Parry Shen- Shawn Joel Murray- Doug Shapiro Joleigh Fioreavanti- Jenna Richard Riehle- Jim Permatteo Patrika Darbo- Shannon Permatteo Robert Englund- Sampson Joshua Leonard- Ainsley Tony Todd- Reverend Zombie John Carl Buechler- Jack Cracker
