The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 12.19.11 Issue #187: Santa’s Slay (2005)

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 12.19.2011

In this issue I take a look at the low budget horror comedy from 2005, Santa’s Slay, starring Bill Goldberg and Robert Culp, plus a TV Quick Hit on Sons of Anarchy, some More Things to Watch Out for This Week, a new B-Movie Babe is named, a new Douchebag is crowned, and a Very Special Christmas Message from Dr. Phil. Check it out.

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #187: Santa's Slay (2005)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that wishes both Burl Ives and Neil Diamond would shut the hell up, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number one hundred and eighty-seven, I take a look at the "Christmas themed" low budget slasher horror comedy from 2005, Santa's Slay, starring former pro wrestler Bill Goldberg.

Santa's Slay (2005)



Santa's Slay, written and directed by David Steiman, is one of those horror comedies that isn't half as fun as it should be. It starts out well enough, but because of a generally weak story, lame direction, and an uneven tone, the movie starts to lose steam after about twenty-five minutes and never really recovers. And it's a damn shame because the movie features some fine performances, especially from star Goldberg and the now late, great Robert Culp. They try awfully hard to make the movie watchable from start to finish, but not even they can fix what amounts to a broken movie.

The flick starts off with an evil Santa, played by Goldberg, laying waste to an obnoxious family featuring Rebecca Gayheart, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, Alicia Loren, and an uncredited James "Jimmy" Caan. Now, you don't normally see Santa Claus kill people with glee (or really kill people at all), but Santa Claus isn't the nice guy he's been made out to be. According to the movie, Santa is really a demon that, after losing a curling competition with an angel back in the year 1005 AD, was forced to deliver presents on Christmas Eve for one thousand years. Now, with the movie taking place in the year 2005, that thousand years is up, and the "real" Santa is back, ready to kick some ass. No one seems to know about this story except Grandpa (Culp), the weird beard grandfather of Nicolas Yuleson (Douglas Smith), an annoying teenager that lives a somewhat dreary existence in a little township called Hell. At first, Nicolas doesn't take much stock in what his Grandpa has to say since he's known around town as a paranoid crackpot that spends all of his time inventing lame contraptions like a robotic page turner and a nutcracker that shoots nuts out like a gun. Nicolas would much rather mess around with his co-worker at the local deli, Mary "Mac" Mackenzie (Emilie De Ravin), and generally whine about how much his life sucks. But once Nicolas meets the evil Santa face to face and realizes that Grandpa's story is true, he joins forces with Mac and tries to find a way to stay alive. That, as far as I can tell, is the story.

The flick's biggest problem is that it's ultimately pointless. The evil Santa really doesn't have an agenda beyond wanting to kill people now that he can. Santa does have history with the Grandpa character, but by the time the who and what of that history is revealed it doesn't really matter (it doesn't make much sense, either). Nicolas and Mac come up with a strategy to fight Santa but that, too, goes nowhere as it turns out Santa's evil powers are limitless. There's also something going on with the hypocritical Pastor Timmons (the great Dave Thomas) but I still don't know what it is. Anyone out there know what the heck is going on with this character?

I'm also confused as to why the evil Santa has to be the real Santa. Why can't the evil Santa just be an evil demon that shows up on Christmas Eve and decides to take on the image of Santa because it thinks it'll be funny to kill people dressed as Santa? That would make a little more sense, wouldn't it? Or how about having the real Santa taken over by a demon up at the North Pole right before the start of Christmas Eve, killing all of his elves as a result and then going on a worldwide rampage? Or maybe he can turn all of his elves into zombies and go all Tall Man on the world? At least then the Nicolas character can "save" Christmas by somehow defeating the evil Santa and bringing the good Santa back. The movie would have a point with a story like that.

As I said, Goldberg does a decent job playing the evil Santa. He looks like he's having fun wearing the Santa fat suit and smashing people in the face with a table leg. He also gets to spear a guy through a deli counter, which is hysterical (not as funny as killing James Caan with a turkey leg but it's close). Robert Culp, as Grandpa, manages to make farting onscreen seem dignified. Dave Thomas tries very hard to make his hypocritical Pastor Timmons interesting, and we thank him for it (it was a wasted effort, sure, but, hey, he tried). That's about it for good performances. Saul Rubinek, as Mr. Green the deli owner, should have been given more to do. And Douglas Smith and Emilie De Ravin are kind of appealing, but even when they're the focus of the story they come off as actors trying to figure out what it is they're supposed to do because they have so little to work with.

My God, this movie is depressing. Thinking about it is depressing. I'm going to stop now and try to think about something else.

Stay away from Santa's Slay. It's seventy-eight minutes of your life that you'll never get back.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: 10 +

Explosions: Several

Nudity?: Some

Doobage: Thigh fondling, evil Santa attack, exploding chimney, double knife through the hands, hair on fire, forced drowning, table leg to the head, Christmas star to the back, forced choking via turkey leg, a series of weird Santa illustrations, an annoying old woman, a roast beef sandwich, old woman killing, lame Christmas gifts, a finger toothbrush, a cheesy Christmas rap song, multiple hidden door keys, an underground bunker, sharpened candy cane to the eye, farting, a weird medal, an old book, an robotic page turner, wolverine meat, a Transformer toy that's also a gun, evil reindeer, strangulation via Christmas wreath, Santa Claus in a strip club, giant tits, using a table as a weapon, stripper pole cleaning, stripper pole to the head, pick axe to the head, electrocution, parking attendant eating, an animated flashback, a fake search engine, Nativity scene destruction, exploding heads, funny stripper names, glass door smashing, spear through a deli counter, menorah through the neck, Orthodox Jews that are accused of being Amish, donut eating, cop killing, double barrel shotgun hooey, gorilla press slam with a broken neck, snowmobile riding, skeet shooting, Christmas present hand grenades, attempted glass window punching, flaming spitballs, book to the face, zamboni attack, curling, nutcracker nut to the chest, exploding reindeer, bazooka attack, and a confusing ending.

Kim Richards?: Yes

Gratuitous: Rebecca Gayheart, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, Alicia Loren, James Caan, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg as an evil Santa Claus, a town named Hell, an annoying old woman, Robert Culp, Robert Culp farting, an evil Santa back-story, Dave Thomas, multiple instances of curling, Tiny Lister, Saul Rubinek, snowmobile stunts, skeet shooting, a Christmas ornament smoke grenade, Santa Claus riding a zamboni, a guy with an electronic voice box, exploding reindeer, and a confusing ending.

Best lines: "I don't want to screw the bird, I want to eat it," "Listen you half a fag, I'll stick this fork in your eye!," "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus," "What the hell is in a holiday hoagie?," "Merry Christmas Mrs. Talbot. Thank you and go fuck yourself," "Be careful, there, that's a nutcracker," "I'd rather be crazy and alive than ignorant and dead," "I don't think I've ever had wolverine before," "I don't mean to sound ungrateful but are you fucking retarded?," "I'm as happy as a Make-A-Wish kid," "I can't wait to see the shit we got. Can we open our motherfucking presents?," "Something just isn't kosher here," "Kids, did Santa Claus follow you here?," "Go home! Run away! Santa is on the loose!," "I hate children!," "Ah! Grandpa got run over by a reindeer!," "Shut your hole and help me through this window," "Quit using the Lord's name in vain, a-hole," "I can't believe we're being hunted by Santa of all effin people," "I'm Santa Claus, not fucking Dracula!," "He's scary yet educational," "Has your sack been out of your sight at all?," and "Who's next?"

Rating: 4.5/10.0


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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!





Please check out The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which can be seen here. It just started so there's not much there at the moment. But, as time goes by, expect to see daily questions and musings and other B-movie hooey. And it would be cool if you "liked" it, too.

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page! Yeah!



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TV Quick Hits







- Sons of Anarchy season finale: I finally got a chance to watch the fourth season finale of FX's biker gang drama Sons of Anarchy, and I'm left wondering how long its going to take before Jax turns into Clay. The hope at the moment, at least the way I see it, is that Jax, now the President of the gang, will somehow get SAMCRO out of the drug and gun running businesses and achieve what his father John allegedly wanted, a motorcycle gang that's just a gang (no gun running, no violence, etc.). But with the deals he has to keep in order, with the CIA, with the Irish Kings, with the now exiled Clay, with his wife Tara, and with the other members of the gang, plus all of the other crime gangs SAMCRO deals with, I just don't see how he makes good changes for the future. He's just going to get sucked into the bullshit and he's going to become as big an evil bastard as Clay.

And what the heck is Clay going to do now that he's no longer in charge? Will he become the new Piney (the old guy that just sort of hangs around and votes on gang business every so often?)? Or will he just cut his own deals on the side since he's got so many personal contacts? Is he going to try to smooth things over with Gemma since she's still "good" with Jax and use her to exert his own influence? Or will he try to stage a coup with Tig, the only guy that he still has any real influence over?

What's next for Opie? His father is dead, his marriage to the stripper went to shit, and he doesn't exactly trust Jax anymore. Jax asked him to become his VP but he didn't show up at the compound for the big meeting, so where does Opie now stand in the group? Will he leave the gang entirely and start up his own chapter in some other town? Will Juicy go along with him for some reason?

Poor Bobby. "Fat Elvis" seems to spend more time in jail than free doing gigs as "Fat Elvis." If and when he gets out of the clink, will he be okay with Jax as President? Jax did agree to the drug running scheme and did admonish him when he complained about it. Bobby clearly didn't want Clay in charge anymore, but, again, will he accept Jax as the gang's new leader?

How is Tara going to handle being the lead "Old Lady" of the group? Will she also try to continue her medical career in some fashion, or will she basically become the new Gemma? She really looks like Gemma now, doesn't she? I bet Tara will end up killing Jax's ex-wife next season. That'll be her sort of full on initiation into the gang's evil doings.

When the heck is Unser going to die from whatever the heck is killing him?

Sheriff Eli Roosevelt needs to kick some ass next season. He really needs to fuck someone up. Remember when he tore up the gang's bar? He needs to do that to someone. Maybe that fat prospect that likes cereal?

Will Potter come back next season to investigate something else? I still want to know if that little nod he gave Jax early in the season meant something. He sure did fuck Hale, didn't he?

It's going to be a long ten months or so until the start of season five.

Justified starts up in a few weeks. That should be cool.



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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Theme of the Week



I actually have five themes this issue, in celebration of Christmas and whatnot. They're all worth listening to. Enjoy.

























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And now, the weekly Fearnet update



Fearnet, the only free all horror/thriller On Demand TV network features uncut, uncensored horror flicks from the past and present 24 hours a day, seven days a week, pretty much any time you freaking want them (as long as you still have power, that is). The channel also has behind-the-scenes stuff, trailers, and other cool hooey for you to check out. Check your local cable listings for availability (Fearnet recently returned to Time Warner cable after a too long hiatus, so if you have Time Warner and you're not sure if you have it, take five minutes out of your TV watching day and find out. You'll be glad you did).

Fearnet also exists as a regular old TV channel. This Fearnet airs horror movies roughly twenty one hours a day (there is a block of infomercials in the morning, usually from 6-9am est). The movies shown do have "commercial breaks" in them, similar to the breaks that currently appear on IFC, but the movies are uncut (blood and boobs and cursing are all intact).

Fearnet's website, fearnet.com, offers free movies, interviews, news, and other behind-the-scenes horror movie nerd stuff, too. The great Don't Answer the Phone was on the site last week. Is it still there? Check and see).





The website also features Post Mortem with Mick Garris, a nifty interview show where big, fat Stephen King's favorite director talks with genre legends like John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Roger Corman, William Friedkin, and others. It's definitely worth your time.

If you're a Facebook nerd (and, really, today, who isn't?) you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Join them. And, as always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement.










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And now, A Very Special Christmas Message from Dr. Phil




"Never dress up as Santa Claus and ask a hot bitch to suck your cock. A hot bitch just ain't going to go for it. You can get an ugly bitch to suck your cock, but then who wants to have that? I know I don't. With a hot bitch, the furthest you can go with the Santa motif is a Santa hat and maybe a goofy Santa beard. The jacket and pants are just a turn-off for the hot bitch. I'm not sure why but they are.

Now, if you're going to wear the Santa hat you have to wear it until you're finished. You can't take it off when she starts and isn't looking up at your face because, odds are, when she does look up after a few minutes for that split second she's going to stop and ask you why you took the hat off. And pray it doesn't fall off because the same thing is likely to happen. She's going to stop and ask what happened.

And don't put a ribbon on the end of your cock right before she goes down there. It isn't as cute as you think it is, and there's a chance that she's going to fuck up dismantling the knot and strangling your cock. And if it's one of those ribbons with the sticky tape you could damage your cock skin. Damaged cock skin hurts."

Wow, Phil, that's great advice. Thanks.





"Hey, man, that's what I'm here for. Merry fucking Christmas."


Merry fucking Christmas to you, too, Phil.


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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Babe of the Week: Sienna Guillory








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Things to Watch Out For This Week



- The Rocketeer: 20th Anniversary Edition Blu-ray: I saw this rip roaring period Disney adventure from director Joe Johnston when it hit movie theatres back in 1991 and loved every minute of it. Twenty years later I still love it. It's coming out on Tuesday on a new 20th Anniversary Blu-ray. If you haven't seen it, check it out. It's worth your time.









- The Expendables: Extended Director's Cut Blu-ray: The Expendables is one of the great B-movies of the last ten years. It's chock full of action, gore, and just plain unironic B-movie fun. Now director-star Sylvester Stallone has some kind of "extended director's cut" to show us a little more action, gore, and fun? I guess we'll have to watch it to find out what the heck has been "extended."








- Intruder: Director's Cut Blu-ray: This slasher flick, from director Scott Spiegel (his Hostel part III comes out, I believe, next week) stars Sam Raimi, Ted Raimi, and the Bruce Campbell, so right there you know you have to see it. I know I can't wait to check it out.







- Colombiana: I missed this action flick when it was out in theatres, but I'm excited that I now have the chance to see Zoe Saldana as a kick-ass assassin babe hell bent on revenge or something. The preview makes it look great, and if the movie ends up half as good as the trailer suggests I think we've all won.



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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week






This week, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week goes to potential pedophile Jerry Sandusky's legal team, for saying, with a collective straight face, that it's possible Sandusky showered with young and teenage boys to teach them "proper hygiene techniques."

Proper hygiene? Was that what the "anal sex" with the kid in the locker room shower was all about? Did Jerry strap a washcloth on to the end of his cock so he could get at the parts of the asshole the kid he was "teaching" couldn't get at? Is that what all of the "going deep" and "skin slapping" was all about? Is this what Mr. Sandusky's legal team wants the world to believe?

Absolutely ludicrous.

Hopefully this defense, if it turns out to be Sandusky's defense, is just laughed out of court. It's just bullshit. Total fucking bullshit.




Up next is home improvement store Lowe's, for removing its advertising from the TLC reality show All-American Muslim because of complaints from the ultra right wing Christian racist yahoo outfit Florida Family Association. It's bad enough that a group like the FFA even exists, but to listen to what it and its followers have to say about anything is nothing short of insane. And to make matters even worse, after being told what it is the FFA believes, mainly that All-American Muslim is a bunch of propaganda because it doesn't feature American Muslims killing Christians and Jews and blowing stuff up, which is what all Muslims want to do don't you know (can the FFA be any more racist?), Lowe's decided to stick by its original decision to keep its advertising dollars off the show.

Way to go, Lowe's. Never admit to making a mistake, even when it's incredibly obvious that you fucked up big time here. Are you going to have your employees remove potential Muslim customers from your stores next? Is that the next logical step here? You've already bought into what the FFA advocates. If you're not going to at least apologize don't you have to follow through here?

Like the great Keith Olbermann recently said, don't buy anything at Lowe's.

Jesus Christ.




And finally there's the "liberal media," for seriously asking if football player and ultra right wing Christian yahoo Tim Tebow's winning streak as the quarterback for the Denver Broncos was the result of "divine intervention." Instead of quickly answering the question with a "of course not," the media continued on, wondering if Tebow's belief was somehow giving him and the Broncos an edge, as if Jesus was playing the game alongside the team, tackling people, catching the ball, scoring touchdowns, etc. Are we suddenly living in the 15th century now?

You want to know why Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos are winning so many games right now? Because they are. It helps that Tebow is a good football player (they don't hand out Heisman Trophies to just anyone), but just because you're good doesn't mean you're always going to win. You always have to work hard, sure, but you also have to have luck on your side. And still, sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. That's how games, and life in general, seem to work. There are plenty of people out there who fervently believe in Jesus, pray all of the time, talk about having a personal relationship with God, and still die because of a drunk driver, a sudden roof collapse, or an unpredictable brain aneurism.

So what am I getting at here? Basically, shit happens. I mean, think about it, what happens if Tebow, in his next game, gets his back broken? Will that be because he pissed off Jesus or because he got slammed into by some huge guy and that sometimes happens in football?

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NASCAR and Indycar thoughts



The Indycar Series released the findings of its investigation into the death of Dan Wheldon last week, and basically what the series found out was that the crash that killed Wheldon was a freak accident. You can read Indycar's report here (you can also check out the Speed Channel's articles about the report here). It'll be interesting to see if the report is cited as an official reason for not going back to Texas. Texas isn't the same as Las Vegas (the report even comes out and says that not every track is the same) but, hey, they're both 1.5 mile tracks that feature close, side-by-side "pack" racing, so they're the same in that sense.

Three ovals in 2012. Jesus Christ.




The big news in NASCAR at the moment is the possible hiring of Kurt Busch by Richard Petty Motorsports. No one seems to know how that arrangement would work. Would A.J. Allmendinger get fired so Busch could take his place, or will RPM start up a third car? The team currently has sponsor issues, as Best Buy is apparently leaving the #43, so how does the team run two cars in 2012, let alone three? Does Busch have a sponsor lined up that essentially guarantees him a ride? If Allmendinger gets fired, where the heck is he going to end up? Will he leave NASCAR and go back to Indycar or will he try to find a ride in the Nationwide or Trucks series? I guess we'll know in a few weeks what the deal is.



Be sure to check out the Speed Channel's NASCAR Hall of Fame special on the late, great Richie Evans this morning at 8 am EST. It first aired last Friday night, and from what I've heard it's a decent look at the man's career. I can't wait to check it out for myself.

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Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.



If there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.


And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.



Merry Christmas!


Happy Holidays!



Santa's Slay


Bill Goldberg- Santa
Douglas Smith- Nicolas Yuleson
Emilie De Ravin- Mary "Mac" Mackenzie
Robert Culp- Grandpa
Dave Thomas- Pastor Timmons
Saul Rubinek- Mr. Green
Rebecca Gayheart- Gwen Mason
Chris Kattan- Jason Mason
Fran Drescher- Virginia Mason
Alicia Loren- Beth Mason
Annie Sorell- Taylor Mason
Donna Zuk- Mrs. Talbot
Tommy "Tiny" Lister- Gas Attendant
James Caan- Darren Mason

Directed by David Steiman
Screenplay by David Steiman

Distributed by Lions Gate Home Entertainment

Rated R for violence, language and some sexuality/nudity
Runtime- 78 minutes

Buy it here