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Movies/TV's 3R’s 01.03.11: The Avengers, Paranormal Activity 4, Martin Freeman, Kathy Griffin, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 01.03.2012

Welcome to Week 131 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.

Happy New Year everyone. Time to cure yourself out of that hangover because it's movies/television news! Or at least what appears to be movies/television news. New Year's week is the worst week for actual news. So bear that in mind when glossing over this week's column.

But first, this will be my last column for a while. I'll be on vacation for the next two weeks, so you'll have someone other than me to present the 3R's for the next two Mondays. I'll be back on the 23rd, in time to celebrate the Niners playoff victory and gloat about it.

Make sure to click the Facebook "Like", Tweet button, and Google +1 links over there to the right of the article! Support 411mania, your home for the best in pop culture entertainment news.

Without any further ado, here is...

  • Whoa, this awesome new Avengers poster is $@*^%# awesome: Did I mention New Year's week is the worst week for actual news? Everyone is too distracted and/or drunk for news around this time, and the only visible posts are "Best of…" lists and JPEGs of hot chicks in bikinis (not a complaint, just fact… a steaming hot fact). So in conclusion… oh hai awesome new Avengers poster! Mmmm... giant double flavored Avengers poster.

    Click to enlarge; via The Daily Blam

  • The Dark Knight has about 3 minutes worth of unused and alternative footage as pointed out by (That) Kevin Smith: Yup, slow news week. Kevin Smith thought so. Maybe that's why he tweeted about this video of previously-unseen footage from The Dark Knight accompanied by the fantastic "Serenata Immortale" music score. Or, like he said, stoner viewing at 3:30 in the morning.

    The footage is about 15% unused footage, while the rest is alternative takes from different angles. Nevertheless it's a nice montage to distract us away from any real important news, like how Steven Tyler and Aretha Franklin are engaged, and how Rupert Murdoch finally found Twitter. Real important news stuff.

  • Paranormal Activity 4 is confirmed: Good news for you horror and "bump your head on the roof of movie theaters" fans: Paramount Pictures has confirmed the fourth installment of the Paranormal Activity franchise. This is no shocker – the franchise has grossed approximately one zillion million dollars while the most expensive movie out of the trilogy only cost about the price of a keychain, Verbatim DVD+R dual layer DVDs, and the Simpsonized version of Monopoly.

    This morning Paramount Pictures sent out a press release announcing that they earned $5.17 billion at the box office worldwide. Hiding within the story was a brief paragraph confirming that a fourth Paranormal Activity is well on the way (obviously).

    The Paranormal Activity franchise has pulled in approximately $577 worldwide at the box office alone making it a near billion dollar franchise when you include home video. PA 3 took in a whopping $200 million worldwide, making a fourth film an obvious conclusion. - Bloody Disgusting

    It is unknown whether a new family will be introduced or if they will change the "footage found" format. The latter is not likely since a dramatic change would kill their gimmicky presentation. My advice: film the whole thing at an empty amusement park à la Goosebumps' HorrorLand. Now just sit back and watch the pennies roll.

  • Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt wins "Gratuitous Adorable Non-Animal Video of the Week" award with a New Year's Eve song: By the time you read this column, the date would be several days removed from New Year's Eve. I should point out that Zooey Deschanel (adorable) and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (bro-dorable?) wrote a song about what your plans were for that night (UPDATE: it was Frank Loesser who wrote the song in 1947. Zooey and Joseph merely sung it. Thanks chAd_b). I guess this renders this blurb useless and outdated. Then again, I don't care. You will sit there and listen to the adorability that is Zooey Deschanel, and you will like it.

    FYI, I spend my New Year's Eve watching the Kings get throttled by the Knicks by a thousand points at Arco Arena. Then I drank a bottle of apple cider. Good times.

  • Martin Freeman wanted sex scene in The Hobbit; might be insane: Did we learn nothing from Avatar? That particular sex scene opened up a handful of squishy issues, and only ended in terror and Smurf jokes. Keep it in your 9th grade biology classroom, Avatar! But looks like Martin Freeman didn't get the memo since he recently expressed great interest in sex scenes, with hobbits, in The Hobbit. Is this what the film description meant when it said the hobbits are to vulture on an "unexpected journey"?

    /cue porn music

    To prepare for the role of Bilbo, Martin Freeman claims that he did consider every aspect of the character's life, including his past relationships with other hobbits.

    "I think he's had sex. I'm not sure. I'm trying to convince Peter to write that scene in..."

    Its doubtful that Peter Jackson will focus on any sort of Hobbit tryst in his upcoming two-part fantasy adventure. It is, after all, being marketed as a family film. There has also been much debate over the years about Bilbo's sexual persuasion, and that kind of controversy will surely not be courted or commented on here, except maybe in the slightest way. - MovieWeb

    Great. Now we're going to put all of our resources to determine how hobbits hide their salami and if this opens up to some serious bestiality debates. Is there any chance, if it does indeed happen, the story would lead to a seven-person roundtable discussion on CNN? Well, okay, the thought of Wolf Blitzer talking about hobbit sex would make for an interesting romp. For now, I'm going to determine what fans might find more blasphemous: a hobbit sex scene or the fact it's not even in the book.

    PS: I googled "hobbit sex scene". While the first two links were about this story, the others 594 were torrent links to "The Hobbit deleted sex scene". I don't think I want to play this game anymore.

  • R.I.P. Bob Anderson: There's a good chance you may not know who Bob Anderson is. What if I were to tell you he was Bob Anderson, the man who portrayed Darth Vader in key light saber scenes of The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi? He might be more remembered for his involvement as David Prouse's stunt double than his profilic career as a British Olympic fencer or any of his former choreographed action scenes in The Princess Bride, Lord of the Rings movies, Highlander (as Sean Connery's stunt double), James Bond movies, and various others.

    Last week, he passed away at the age of 89. He was around 60 years old when he first donned the black helmet. He was a master swordsman, master fighter, master stunt choreographer, and a master at his profession. RIP Bob Anderson.

  • AMC renews the bore that is Hell on Wheels: I tried to like Hell on Wheels. I watched the first few episodes, grew bored of it, and quit. The show was decent - however, I did like the visuals. "Quite stunning" is one description I would use for them - but it was too formulaic jumbled with a batch of awful writing. I just couldn't stick with it, not when there are many decent shows out there most deserving of my attention/angst. AMC must have seen something I didn't because they renewed the show for a second season. Good for them, I guess. This transpired despite the post-Civil War drama losing almost one half of its audience – from its 4.4 million viewer debut to 2.2 million - over the course of the first season. So, yes, it is a minor surprise the show managed to receive another season.

    *must not complain about handling of Community, must not complain about handling of Community*

    The freshman series premiered to 4.4 million viewers on Nov. 6. Granted, the show had an even bigger lead-in from The Walking Dead (6.3 million), but hey — every little bit helps. That was the first time AMC has been able to use its highest rated show to launch another series.

    So far, only seven episodes of Wheels have aired, with the eighth prepared to bow on Jan. 1. - Entertainment Weekly

    I'm too invested in AMC's other programs but should someone who stuck around for the first season tell me if the show improved over time, then I might give it another shot. In the meantime, Walking Dead, Men Mad, Breaking Bad, and countless others will have to do.

  • Our last image of 2011: Kathy Griffin in her underwear, with an aggressive attempt to get naked in front of Anderson Cooper: This pleases two crowds: those who fancy the thought of watching Kathy Griffin bouncing around in her underwear, and those who like watching Anderson Cooper and his maroon sweater in distraught situations. Put me down for the latter. For those outside both demographics, then maybe this video is not for you.

    We can at least admire Kathy Griffin's guff to make sure Anderson Cooper remained flustered all the way past midnight, right?

  • Tyler Perry and Jamie Foxx sued by prisoner over stolen movie idea: Brace yourselves. Things are about to get heated all up in this biatch. Because it's not every day when you hear about a frivolous lawsuit that involves Jamie Foxx, Tyler Perry, and an insane prisoner who claims they stole his idea of a mental hospital drama. The project is called Skank Robbers but instead of a fine tuned drama the prisoner had envisioned, it's a wacky action comedy about bank robbers-in-drag.

    I think the prisoner is upset that the real criminals, everyone involved with this project, are not behind bars. And who are we to argue?

    In case you haven't heard ... the project is called "Skank Robbers" -- a wacky action comedy about two lady bank robbers ... with Lawrence's Sheneneh character from "Martin," Foxx's Wanda from "In Living Color," and according to reports ... Tyler Perry's Madea ... from every bad movie you've seen. The project is reportedly in development.

    Enter Shamont Lyle Sapp -- who, coincidentally, says he's serving time in Oklahoma for 10 bank robberies -- he's filed a lawsuit, claiming he gave Foxx and Perry the idea for the project ... and they cut him out of the action.

    According to the docs, Shamont had the idea to unite the three characters in one film -- but his version wasn't a comedy about bank robbers ... it was a drama about a mental hospital.

    The lawsuit encapsulates Sapp's idea -- "A male white mental patient takes Madea hostage ... He deals with phone calls from the negotiators, as Madea actually pleads for her life in a very sad tear-jerking way ... Her pleas are to be very sad. No jokes at all." - TMZ

    Man, I'll rather see his movie. Just goes to show you that prison folk makes for better movie scripts. That and robots named A.W.E.S.O.M-O.

  • The Modern Family horror movie trailer… wait, what?: I don't catch up with all the latest Modern Family hoopla as Emmy voters would like you to be but there are exceptions. One: Modern Family as a horror movie. Two: the return of Al Bundy. For now, I can settle with the genius that is Modern Family as an extended horror movie trailer. Lots of ridiculous time and effort must have been put into this, so kudos to creator Trevorama, who delivered a rational plot device for an amazing imaginary movie trailer. Alex Dunphy as the killer? Logical.

    Needs more Sofia Vergara though.

  • The long-awaited Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead poster is here: This poster has everything: school girls, guns, Japanese letters, zombies… uh, toilet head zombie, and what looks like a scary tentacle from Resident Evil 4. This poster has it all. The color is even in yellow. You know, like piss. PISS OUT MAH AAAASSSS.

    Oh South Park, would you never grow up?

  • Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week

    I think you should have a cute/funny animal video every week. That can be your gimmick. Practically all the other 411 writers have one, you should have one, too. - Posted By: JLAJRC (Guest)

    And thus it was so.

    This column is a haven for certain movie and television news but I am also not afraid to include occasional "adorable animals doing adorable things" videos. Well now thanks to JLAJRC's suggestion, it's now to be a weekly feature. Sometimes we fawn over Hollywood news. Most of the time, it's met with intense disapproval. No such thing exists with cute animal videos.

    I want to take this cute seal home so we can make an igloo doghouse together!

    *Guy Nod*

    Completely agree with you on Tebow. I'm predisposed to hate on him because he plays for the Broncos but the way the sports media has been fawning all over him has been over the top. He is completely overrated and the four picks he threw against the lowly Bills should be enough illustration of that fact.

    The Niners looked good against Seattle, who sure put up a fight. Good luck in the playoffs. - Posted By: BenPiper (Registered)

    For what it's worth, I like Tim Tebow. He's Mr. Football Wacky Who Somehow Makes It Work Despite Throwing Mechanics Gone Haywire. But, yes, the media culture has taken the plantation of Tebow and turned him into their 24-hour version of "TebowCenter". (dun dun-dah, duh dun-dah) I hate that too. So much! Gah!

    Sorry about the Raiders. To have them not take advantage of the Tebow lost? At home? Ouch.

    People that watch/support/enjoy Toddlers and Tiaras really should seek therapy. You would think only pedophiles and child abusers would like it. Its just disgusting and creepy as all hell. - Posted By: APrince66 (Guest)

    I watch it too, but only so I could tell you to not watch it.

    Properties, man. Properties.

    Glad to "help out", Porfirio.

    Who's the guy behind Ashley in the Fresh Prince pic? - Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)

    Either that's Jeffrey or DJ Jazzy Jeff has really aged terribly.

    I actually think a dramatic take on "The Munsters" would be interesting. Think a network friendly "True Blood." The bad thing is this can't seem to decide if it's a drama or a comedy (or even the dreaded dramady).

    I'm not the Joss Whedon worshipper like a lot of people, but I do wonder what they could possibly do that is different from what happened before. Turn it into a sitcom? Go adult like "True Blood" (I'm kinda surprised they haven't introduced a vampire/monster hunter character yet on that show)? - Posted By: JLAJRC (Guest)

    I'm in the middle when it comes to a Buffy reboot but should one succeed, then just go all out into crazy mode. More people – by "more people" I mean "me" - will accept a non-Whedon version of Buffy is she lived in a futuristic time (think Escape From New York) where Buffy fights in a tank top/daisy duke shorts combo and vampires were anonymous Internet trolls. Same with The Munsters, except replace "Buffy in tank top/daisy duke shorts" with "Marilyn Munster in tank top/daisy duke shorts"… and was a MMA fighter. Wouldn't hurt to mix it up a little.

    Last word: And with that, I bid you guys farewell. See you again in two weeks.

    *marks entire two week schedule: pop bubbly, organize Blu-ray rack, watch Blossom reruns*




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