A Fool's Utopia 1.12.12: Stories To Watch in 2012
Posted by Ron Martin on 01.12.2012
This week in one man's utopia we'll take a look at some stories to watch in 2012 including the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony and The Dark Tower. Also up for reading, my first impressions of Storage Wars, lots of ranting about sports, Phantasm 3 and the kiddie Walkman of the 80s, Pocket Rockers.
This is getting ridiculous.
You're probably thinking that I'm talking about my (in)ability to get columns out these days. You'd be right. Twice in the last six weeks – that's my worst stretch in the going on five years I've been doing this column. Blame my addiction to porn. My computer is still in the "shop." It needed a new hard drive and now I have to figure out a way to get a copy of Windows 7 to re-install into it. Ridiculous.
For the second week in a row, I will try to give to you some stories that I will be watching closely in 2012…
Guns N Roses induction into the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame
If you've read this column or the Ask 411Music column in the last couple of months you'd know that I'm not a huge supporter of Guns N Roses being in the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. They are one of my favorite bands of all time, but I just don't think the longevity is there. One legendary album and a couple of "good" albums shouldn't be good enough to get you in. However, what I will be watching is for the inevitable reunion of the original lineup to play at the induction ceremony. When they were first nominated, I made my suspicions known that I thought the Hall went to them and asked if they were inducted if the original lineup would get back together to play, otherwise they wouldn't make the cut. The first sign for me was when bassist Duff McKagan's band agreed to open for Guns N Roses for a few shows in the Northwest. Now there are reports of Slash talking about how the media over blew the rivalry between he and Axl Rose. The media? Really? That's the excuse you're going with? Was it the media that made Axl agree to let Guitar Hero use Guns N Roses songs only if they didn't use any songs by Velvet Revolver or Slash's Snakepit? When free Dr. Pepper was given to everyone in America upon the release of Chinese Democracyexcept for former Guns N Roses guitarists Slash and Buckethead, it wasn't the media who said they would share their Dr. Pepper with Buckethead but not Slash. Regardless, I'll be excited to see the original lineup back together again. I doubt Steve Adler will make the cut, but I'll take what I can get.
Disney/Universal/Lucas
This is more of a long-term watch than this year. Nothing might happen on this front this year, but that'd surprise me. Universal Studios in Orlando scored a major deal when they signed up to recreate the universe of Harry Potter in their theme park. Sensing impending disaster, Disney World responding by more than doubling the size of their Fantasyland in the Magic Kingdom, adding an entire second castle and more than a dozen new experiences. With that project wrapping up this spring, it'll be interesting to see if Universal strikes back or if the two sides take a break from the war and just rake in the cash. I don't know a lot about rumors circulating around Universal, but they can't be happy that they have to pay royalty rights to Disney just to run their own Marvel themed rides, so something might happen there. I know Disney is tinkering with the idea of a Monsters Inc themed roller coaster for their Disney Studios park, As for George Lucas, this is just a hunch, but he's getting up there in years and I can very much see him signing a deal near the end of his life to sign over his universe to Disney, much like Jim Henson tried to do before his death. Disney and Lucas already have a working relationship with both Star Wars and Indiana Jones represented in Disney Parks. There may be nothing on that front this year, but I'll be looking for signs.
The Dark Tower saga
As a fan of Stephen King, I was excited to see Ron Howard wanting to bring King's Dark Tower books to life. I thought the progression of movie/season of TV/movie/season of TV/movie was the best way to try to be true to King's seven book opus. It just seemed that a story that encompasses 75% of King's works was too big just for a couple of movies. I'm a little worried that a project (no matter how huge of an undertaking) that already has King and Howard's names attached to it can't find funding. Really? We can make a thousand Twilight movies, but not one Dark Tower flick? On top of that, King will be releasing an eighth Dark Tower novel this year despite the story already having been completed. Wind Through the Keyhole is supposed to take place between the fourth and fifth books. Having read the other seven, there's no reason I shouldn't read this one. There's a lot to watch on the Dark Tower front this year.
NBC Sports Network
I'm excited about the announcement of a new 24-hour sports network. I don't think ESPN has ever rested on its laurels as the only 24 hour sports network, in fact, I think they put out a lot of quality programming. Of course Stuart Scott single handedly makes Sportscenter unwatchable whenever he's on it, but that's a different story altogether. To use a cliché, competition is good for everyone. NBC may fail at a lot of things, but sports are a department that they are very strong in and why not exploit that? I'm curious as to how and NBC all sports network will compete with the firmly established ESPN and how ESPN will respond. With two networks vying for talent, will that raise salaries for all involved? Anything that doubles the job opportunities in any field is a good thing. I'm curious as to if the NBC Sports Network will get the same coverage opportunities as ESPN as far as press credentials, sideline reporting and the like. I'd also like to see if NBC is willing (and legally able) to move their big football block on Sunday nights to their sports network – assuming the network is available in as many homes as ESPN. There's a lot to watch for.
THE RETURN OF IT CAME FROM THE $5 BIN!
Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead
Fourteen years after we were first introduced to the Tall Man and his crazy killer spheres, we get the third installment straight-to-VHS. This installment in the franchise is the most criticized, and I can see that, but catching up with the franchise over the past few months, these aren't bad films. A couple of spots become hard to follow, but what horror/fantasy franchise doesn't have those moments?
The third movie picks up right where the second one left off. Our heroes are thrashed by the Tall Man, even though they just killed him. The Hearst crashes and our hero, Reggie, tries to save the day. He's too late for Liz, who is having her face eaten off by a Lurker, but manages to save Mike by threatening to kill him. The Tall Man does not want him dead apparently, so they live to play another day…kind of. Mike is soon captured by the Tall Man while Reggie is being led by Jody (Mike's older brother and Reggie's best friend who died in the first film) in the form of a charred sphere, which we learn are called Sentinels. Reggie hooks up with a deadly accurate with all weapons kid (literally, the kid is probably 11 or 12 years old) and a Grace Jones like badass chick named Rocky who can knock your nuts off with a pair of nunchuks.
Of course this leads to a few comedic moments of Reggie trying to get into Rocky's pants because let's face it, Reggie will hit anything. This leads to a giant showdown between the heroes, the Tall Man, his lurkers and Three Stooges of zombies in a…wait for it…wait for it…mausoleum. You never would have guessed that, right? Mike learns that a new Tall Man is created every time they destroy one just before he is operated on by the Tall Man. We also learn the Sentinels are made from the brains of the Tall Man's victims once he makes them into Lurkers. This is how he controls them. This version of the Tall Man is subdued via liquid nitrogen and a freezer (you see the Tall Man hates the cold). Mike, however, has a giant gold Sentinel popping out of his head like the Tall Man. Rocky bolts and we're left with out patented cliffhanger ending where Mike disappears, Reggie is accosted by Sentinels and Tim (the kid) is snatched through a mirror and apparently eaten.
This is the first movie in the series where Reggie really becomes the bumbling star of the show. He really was in all but name before this, and the situation works out well. The special effects are much better in this film than the previous entries. This is the most criticized of the films because of the fantasy aspects and the slapstick of the bumbling (yeah, I used it twice in one paragraph) zombies. I don't think it takes away from the film all that much and this just offers more of what we've come to expect out of a Phantasm film. It answers some questions, but leaves us with more. Reggie, as always, is brilliant. I do, however, question the constant coming and going of Jody, who despite being dead shows up whenever he wants to. Why didn't he do this in the second movie if he can do it whenever he wants? I'm down with the third flick and much looking forward to the fourth. 3/5
FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS
1. SPORTS THOUGHTS:
a. If my computer hadn't crashed just as I was finishing up this column last week, you would have been privy to me going back to my playoff predictions before the season started. I didn't do too bad, calling 8 of the 12 playoff teams correctly. My biggest hit was calling the downfall of the Philadelphia Eagles and not having them in the playoffs while my biggest miss was probably thinking the Detroit Lions were still a year away from the postseason tournament. You also would have learned that I would have went 2 for 4 this past weekend on predictions, missing on Denver along with the rest of the country and underestimating a depleted Houston team (or more accurately overestimating and not ready for primetime Cincinnati team). This week I'm going with New England, Baltimore, Green Bay and New Orleans. The New Orleans pick is the only one that I feel is iffy, but then again, I thought the Steelers were a mortal lock last week, so who knows? My preseason Super Bowl of New Orleans vs. New England is still in play.
b. Speaking of the Saints, they are starting to get on my nerves. They're becoming the Patriots of the NFC. They're doing all the things I hate about the Patriots; running up the score, going for every fourth down, glorifying personal statistics and having the smarmiest head coach in the conference. There's no need to throw 40 yard bombs with three minutes to go in a game that you're up three scores in. Why is Drew Brees still in the game? The only difference between the two teams for me at this point is I think Drew Brees is much more talented than Tom Brady and less a system product.
c. Now onto my Colts. I don't know what Jim Irsay is doing, but I hope someone does Getting rid of the Polians was the right thing to do. It's a "what have you done for me lately" league and what no national sportscasting talking head has spoken about since the firing are the dismal drafts the Colts have had since their Super Bowl season. The Polians have been terrible in the first and second round of that last eight to nine drafts, producing little value in those rounds. However, I think Irsay has tunnel vision when it comes to Andrew Luck. As I've said before I'm no believer in Luck and if the Colts can get three first rounders and two second rounders for the pick, they should trade it. The Polians left a lot of holes that need to be filled on the team and getting one maybe good quarterback isn't going to solve the problem.
d. It's nice to have Indiana basketball be relevant again. It's been so long, I've almost forgotten the old electric feel the town has on an Indiana game day. As always, I was skeptical at first, but wins over three ranked teams, a conference road win and top ten ranking has even me convinced that this is a for real return to relevance. Now, I'm not so blinded to think they're going to the title game like a lot of people around here, but getting through a couple of rounds in the tourney would be nice.
2. New Year's Day finally afforded me the opportunity to sit down and watch a handful of episodes from Storage Wars, a show I had been hearing a lot about. I can't see myself watching it again, though I do think it's much better than Auction Hunters, which I can't stand. A few thoughts:
a. I don't see how people are arguing this is legit unit auctioning. Everything about the show reeks of being "reality TV real." It's funny how there's always some gem of an item hidden underneath a blanket or inside a box that's worth thousands of dollars. Seriously, if a guy had a safe full of coins worth upwards of $40,000m why wouldn't he just grab a couple coins to pay the $50 unit rent?
b. I seriously hate "Yuuuuup."
c. I love how the "competition" is decided by how much the auction winners declare they can get for something. Oh, I can get $200 for that table. Really? Let's count it then. Did they get $200 for the table or not? If they didn't, I don't see how you can count it in the loot. If I were on the show, I'd be like "I could totally get $2000 for this broken child's bicycle." I'd win every episode.
d. If it hasn't happened yet, Brandi will eventually leave Jerrod. They're famous now. She's hot (I'd rather bang her than Men's Health's sexiest woman of all time, Jennifer Anniston. More on that later.). She reminds me of Megyn Price (whom is also hotter than Anniston). She's going to get a lot of attention and when she realizes her husband looks a lot like Gillberg, there'll be trouble. If nothing else, when he realizes he can get more tail because he's famous, shit will hit the fan. That's how Gillbergs are.
3. Speaking of reality TV shows, I have become infatuated with the Food Network's Celebrity Cook-Off. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, two Food Network celebrities, Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri picked teams of four celebrities each. Each week the celebrities must meet a challenge and each week one is eliminated. This is my first exposure to Rachael Ray, whom I could have sworn lots of people told me was hot. I guess lots of people lied to me. I'd rather bang Jennifer Anniston.
I've always enjoyed watching celebrity reality shows for two reasons 1) The "celebrities" are always of the "D" variety and 2) They are always train wrecks. The best example of this was Aaron Carter who looked completely lost having to face any decision whatsoever and left the first episode with his single highlight being that he wrote a song which only consisted of repeating the word "Tonight" over and over again.
Without being able to look into the emptiness of Carter's eyes every time he is spoken to, I had worries about the second episode. My worries were justified. Not only did they get rid of the most "normal" of the contestants, Miss USA (who I'd rather bang than Jennifer Anniston), but did so in questionable fashion. Guy and Rachael picked team captains for the challenge (something which they did not do in the first episode). Somehow a panel of 13 (remember that number) ended up in a tie vote on which team's desserts were the best. Yes, when voting on two things, an odd number of people somehow tied. In light of this, the team captains had to participate in a cook-off with the loser going home. Seeing as Rachael's team was down a man, I knew there was no way her team captain (Summer Sanders) was going home. I was right. Summer's dish featured half-cooked salmon. Yeah, her food was raw and she somehow still "won" the challenge. Oy.
4. Why is my DVR still recording Finding Bigfoot? Am I being punished for something that I don't know about?
5. A new addition to the column! Sometimes (not all the time, but frequently) as my fifth bullet point, I'll have "Chicks I'd Rather Bang Than Jennifer Anniston." I am still in shock than anyone, let alone a national magazine, would declare Jennifer Anniston the sexiest woman of all time. Nothing against Jennifer Anniston. She is a cute lady and I'm not even going to pretend like I would say no to her given the opportunity. However, as girls are mentioned throughout my column from here on out, they could end up on this list of girls I'd rather bang than Jennifer Anniston. The list will cease when I get to 250, the same amount of girls on the list that she topped. Here are our winner today:
1. Brandi from Storage Wars
2. Megyn Price
3. Miss USA 2011, Alyssa Campanella
USELESS TRIVIA and SHAMELESS PLUGGING
Last Week's USELESS TRIVIA
The role of Gale Weathers in the Scream franchise was actually offered to an actress other than Courtney Cox. Who was that actress?
Answer: The role was offered to both Janeane Garofalo and Brooke Shields before Cox campaigned for the role. Either answer was acceptable. Congratulations to DUSTY on his triumphant return and USELESS TRIVIA knowledge!
This week's USELESS TRIVIA
The Phantasm series takes its title from a popular American writer who used the phrase repeatedly in his works. Who was that writer?
This week's SHAMELESS PLUGGING
Not a whole lot to plug. Still no questions over at Ask 411 Music, so I'm still making up stuff to take up space!
This Week in RETRO
In the late 80s/early 90s when I was strutting around with earphones over my ears and my favorite cassette jammed into my Walkman, I thought I was the coolest cat around. If I had a Walkman that would automatically play the second side of the cassette without me having to flip it – I was even cooler. When I finally got a Discman, which was even cooler because you didn't have to fast forward or rewind to your favorite song. You could put the damn thing on "shuffle" and you never knew which song was coming up next This is all to say I was a whore for transportable music. That said, I think I missed out on Pocket Rockers by just a couple of years.
Pocket Rockers were introduced by Fisher Price in 1988 as a Walkman/fashion accessory for the younger crowd. Pocket Rockers were the midgets of the Walkman world, only accepting answering machine (for those of you under 25, answering machine were machines that would actually answer your phone for you before there was voicemail) sized cassettes that contained only two songs. As you can see from the pictures and commercial above, Pocket Rockers screamed 80s. If any one item would be chosen to represent the 80s, Pocket Rockers would make the finals.
Pocket Rockers and their cassettes were made not only to entertain, but also to wear. As you can see from the commercial, the coolest guy on the block is covered in Pocket Rocker cassettes. In the world of commercials, this makes him the envy of all his friends. In the real world, this makes him a target for anybody with a fist that was willing to use it. The Pocket Rocker would thrive in only a couple of years, being discontinued in 1991. They are nostalgic collectibles, though. A still in package Pocket Rocker could net you a cool $125 from the right buyer.
Perhaps the most impressive aspect of the Pocket Rockers was the names they got to go along with them. These weren't Kid Bop albums. The two song cassettes had everyone from the Beastie Boys to Michael Jackson to Bruce Springsteen along for the ride. If I were stranded on a desert island with a Pocket Rocker and five Pocket Rocker cassettes, these are the five I'd want to have:
1. Beastie Boys ("You Got to Fight"/no one seems to remember what the second track is, but anything off of License to Ill work fine with me)
2. Michael Jackson ("Bad"/"Beat It")
3. Madonna ("Whose That Girl"/"Material Girl")
4. Tears for Fears ("Shout"/"Everybody Wants to Rule the World")
5. Huey Lewis and the News ("Hip to Be Square"/"The Heart of Rock N Roll")
You may not rest easier that you have that information.
I find it hilarious a Colts fan is hating on another team for "glorifying personal statistics". Weren't the Colts the team that played Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark late in the season, after they already clinched homefield advantage, just to get both guys to 100 catches? And then took them out immediately? And who threw those passes? Why it was Peyton Manning, who also came out immediately after helping them get to 100. Manning had 14 completions, 12 of which went to Clark and Wayne.
This same team in 2003 destroyed the Saints in New Orleans 55-21 on Sunday Night Football. Manning had 6 TD passes that night. Yeah, the Colts care nothing for statistical achievement...
And why does it matter? Who cares if anyone wants to break a record? As a competitor, why *wouldn't* you want to? Isn't that part of why you play, to be the best and to prove it? Even still, Brees sat out the entire 4th quarter vs. Indy, played only 1 series into the 4th quarter (2 passes) vs. Minnesota, and played only 1 series into the 4th quarter (3 passes) vs. Carolina in Week 17. He was pulled early from 3 games this season, which is quite a lot for the NFL. How often is Manning taken out of the game? He seems to be in there at the end nearly every time, even blowouts.
You need to check your facts, too. The Saints went for only 10 4th-down conversions this season, several of them of the kneeldown-and-turn-the-ball-over-on-downs variety. Only 4 teams went for it fewer times (4 others also had 10). They went for 4 4th downs vs. Detroit with 1 being a kneeldown. But if you check historical statistics, it makes far more sense to go for it on 4th-and-short than it does to kick it away. The average NFL play gains 4 yards. The Saints are the best offense in the NFL with a pretty bad defense. Chances are the defense is going to give up yards and points regardless of where the drive starts. It makes far more strategic sense to go for it when you only need a few yards.
You also should look at WHEN they went for it. 4th-and-1 from the DET 36, 4th-and-2 from the DET 40, and 4th-and-1 from the NO 38 (the only real questionable one due to field position). 2 of the 3 were just outside of John Kasay's FG range but too close to punt.
You come off as someone who is just upset because the Pats dominated the Colts for most of the last decade and the Saints beat the Colts in the Super Bowl so you're going to hate on them for whatever reasons you can come up with.
I still love your column, but that Sports Thought was ridiculous.
Posted By: Nick (Guest) on January 12, 2012 at 03:01 AM
It's funny how there's always some gem of an item hidden underneath a blanket or inside a box that's worth thousands of dollars. Seriously, if a guy had a safe full of coins worth upwards of $40,000m why wouldn't he just grab a couple coins to pay the $50 unit rent?
After hearing from people how awesome these storage shows were, after a couple of episodes I came to the same conclusion. FFS, people have a jet ski, jewelry, paintings, antiques or some other thing worth thousands of dollars just chilling in their storage, and they cant manage to pony up some bucks to pay for it, or even heaven forbid get said items of value out before abandoning the unit.. c'mon. Typical "reality TV". I will stick with American Pickers
Posted By: APrince66 (Guest) on January 12, 2012 at 11:20 AM
Gee a colts fan hating in Tom Brady, that's weird. Could it be we are a lIttle bitter?
Posted By: Craig (Guest) on January 12, 2012 at 01:31 PM
I watch Storage Wars sometimes and I also think it's funny how they arrive at their values. Record what an item actually sells for, not what the hunters say it's worth, damnit.
I do believe a lot of people could leave valuables in storage lockers due to dying. However, I'm sure the producers do spice things up from time to time with a hidden gem or two.
Posted By: Rambo (Guest) on January 12, 2012 at 02:41 PM
Fair enough. Those are all fair criticisms of my sports thoughts. It should be noted that I have no bitter feelings towards the Saints because of the Super Bowl win. I blame that solely on Caldwell being thoroughly out coached. It should also be noted that I am a regular complainer when the Colts do the same thing, but I can also recount at least two dozen fourth quarters when Manning and co. did not play in the last 15 years.
This thing with the Saints have just been something I noticed the last three weeks. I don't like New England for the same style of play. As I said, those criticisms are fair game. Maybe I've been beaten down by years of Dungy conservative play, I dunno.
Posted By: NorTheGreat (Guest) on January 12, 2012 at 10:38 PM
I think in college, teams should definitely step off the gas when it's obvious they have the opposition overmatched because the level of competition can be so vastly different at that level. But in the pros, I think it's a little more complicated.
I think if a pro team is simply continuing their regular offense, no one has the right to be upset about it. The Saints don't run the hurry-up when they are blowing someone out and they don't intentionally go deep. They just continue their regular offense minus their riskier plays. But if you screw up royally, like the Lions did, then they're going to throw a 50-yard TD. But it's not like that is the first read.
No one bashes a run-first team when they continue running the ball in a blowout, even if they're averaging 10 yards per carry. Even though running the ball is considered the "proper" way to finish a game due to it keeping the clock running, they're still using their best offensive weapons. Why is that okay? Because it *does* burn clock, even though they could be busting 20-yard runs every other play?
And IMO, if the losing team isn't quitting, then the winning team isn't obligated to quit. If the losing team is down 3 scores late in the game but they're still passing every down and doing their very best to mount a comeback, there should be zero problem with the winning team continuing their winning ways. If you're not gonna quit, I'm not gonna quit. Even if I *am* beating you by 20. Teams are far more capable of mounting huge comebacks these days than ever before and I would do everything in my power as a coach to make sure my team doesn't fall victim.
I'd like to point out that the Saints have their most rushing attempts in the 4th quarter. By far. 140 compared to 93, 87, and 108 in the other 3 quarters. So they *do* run a ton more when winning late in the game. They just don't run every single down. And with a QB like Brees, it doesn't make sense. Running the ball 3 times may keep the clock moving, but it also has a higher degree of failure at producing 1st downs, especially when the opposing defense knows you're trying to kill the clock. Having Brees continue to throw at least some gives you a better chance of keeping the drive going by picking up 1st downs. A 10-play drive with a mixture of runs and passes is going to kill more clock than 3 runs and a punt.
Posted By: Nick (Guest) on January 13, 2012 at 01:21 AM
I've thought that Brandi is too hot for that guy from day one of storage wars. My girlfriends doesn't think she is that cute and that they are in the same "league" for each other, but I highly disagree. That guy def married up, so good for him I guess...
Posted By: Guest#1826 (Guest) on January 13, 2012 at 08:51 PM
Drew Brees is the closest thing to a system QB in the NFL.
Posted By: Guest#3492 (Guest) on January 14, 2012 at 02:08 AM
"Phantasm" is from the works of Edgar Allan Poe, Do I win a prize? :)
Posted By: Sammy (Guest) on January 15, 2012 at 02:38 PM
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