The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 1.16.12 Issue #191 Universal Squadrons (2011)
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 01.16.2012
In this issue I take a look at the low budget sci-fi action flick from 2011 Universal Squadrons, plus some TV Quick Hits (thoughts on Rob, news on the debut of Steven Seagal’s TV show True Justice, and Edge in the WWE Hall of Fame?), I find more Things to Watch Out For This Week, name a new B-Movie Babe, crown a new Douchebag, and more. Check it out.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #191: Universal Squadrons (2011)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never really tried to develop its own donut but is seriously thinking about it now, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number one hundred and ninety-one, I take a look at the nifty low budget sci-fi action thriller from 2011, Universal Squadrons, written and directed by Mark Millhone.
Universal Squadrons (2011)
Universal Squadrons, originally known as Minuteman (a far more appropriate title. I'm guessing that the title was changed to make people believe it was affiliated with the Universal Soldier franchise?), stars Riley Smith as Lance, a recently discharged U.S. soldier trying to transition back into civilian life on his ranch in Texas after several tours in Iraq. With the help of his uber hot girlfriend Becca (Willa Ford) and goofy ranch hand Corky (David Born), Lance tends to the daily ins-and-outs of running a cattle ranch; giving cattle shots, fixing the fence, etc. It isn't an easy transition for Lance. When he isn't fighting the bank over late payments (he was serving his country overseas, sure, but the bank still wants its money) he's trying to remember what it is he actually did in Iraq. He sort of knows that he spent most of his time out of harm's way, working at a base helping test a video game that the Army was developing for some reason in Iraq, a first person shooter called "Minuteman." However, Lance keeps having weird flashbacks of both the game and what appears to be actual combat he engaged in. Combat? When did he do that?
Becca tries to keep Lance centered, dropping hints every so often that she wants to marry him and reminding him that he promised her he wouldn't volunteer to go back into the Army. She doesn't necessarily believe him, but she loves him too much to abandon him (although there are times she seems to want to. He told her several times that he didn't see any action in Iraq, but he keeps having moments where it's pretty obvious that he did bad stuff in Iraq. Which is it, Lance?). Lance also spends quite a bit of time with his father Deakin (the great Barry Corbin), a fellow combat vet, trying to figure out how the heck he's going to keep going without the Army (Deakin spent his time "in the shit" in Vietnam, though, not Iraq). The only advice Deakin seems to have is "become an alcoholic," as that's what he did to quell the nightmares and whatnot that plagued him after coming home from Vietnam. Lance is sort of keen on the idea of drinking himself into a stupor every night in order to handle what he went through, but he knows that it won't work for him forever. He has to try to something else.
Days and weeks pass by, and the flashbacks and nightmares keep coming. Lance zones out in public every so often, engaging in sudden violence, too (he beats up one of Becca's old boyfriends at a bar). What the heck is happening to him? What did he really do in Iraq? Why can he only remember bits and pieces every so often? Why can't he remember everything? And why the hell do former members of his old unit keep showing up, trying to attack him? Are they really doing that? Are they hallucinations? And what the hell is this "running really fast" stuff all about?
I don't want to say any more about the story as the flick contains some pretty cool twists that I didn't see coming. And the flick's eventual sci-fi element is about as well done as I've ever seen in a low budget movie. It almost seems plausible. The flashback scenes appear as though they come from a different movie, a gimmick that actually works (I've seen that tried several times and more often than not it just comes off as awkward. That didn't happen here). And the first-person video game scenes also look great (the "Minuteman" game that they're playing looks like fun. I'd buy it if it was a real game). The only thing that's a little maddening about the movie is that the first quarter of the movie comes off as a tad too slow. I'm not sure how you speed the movie up there, but it's something that you have to just deal with. The pay off is worth it.
The performances are all top notch. Smith is perfect as Lance. He's a little annoying at the beginning of the movie (you can only take so many "I fought for my country" speeches before you want to scream at him to just move on), but the more we get to see him try to deal with his psychological problems the more you start to like him and root for him. And he's freaking amazing at the end of the movie. Willa Ford does a great job as Lance's girlfriend Becca. She clearly loves Lance and is struggling alongside him, and you root for her until the end.
Barry Corbin does his usual kick-ass job as Deakin. He's funny, he's cantankerous, he's probably drunker than shit, and he's got a fully loaded M-16 within reach. Terrifying? Sure, but Deakin is also incredibly insightful. He's been there and done it and knows what Lance is going through. Lance may not want to follow his father's advice to the letter, but whatever he does tell him will, in some way, end up being valuable. When does Barry Corbin provide a bad performance? When?
David Born lays it on the stupid hick shtick a bit much as ranch hand Corky, but Born is just too charismatic and genuinely funny to hate. And Marshall Teague, as the mysterious Dr. White, does his usual admirable job. You don't quite know how to take him, but I think you'll be surprised by how his character turns out. And be on the look out for Christian Kane as the character known as Peacemaker. Try to figure out how this guy doesn't have a low budget movie franchise in the works. I can't figure it out.
Universal Squadrons is a great, bad ass yet quiet low budget sci-fi action flick. A great concept, great tone, and top notch performances throughout. Hopefully there's a sequel coming because I want to see more of this world.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: 5 +
Explosions: None that I remember
Nudity?: None (and it's a damn shame because I really wanted a Willa Ford topless scene. My God, she did get undressed and did take a shower but we don't get to check out the goods. What the hell, man?)
Doobage: A big ass truck driving around the dessert for some reason, soldiers sand skiing, video game playing, a hot blonde chick, a hot blonde chick taking a shower, off screen shower sex, horse riding, old guy in a wheelchair firing off his M-16, whiskey bottle destruction, multiple video game playing flashbacks, naked back kissing, a bank douchebag, almost hand crushing, beer drinking, pen up through the chin, attempted fat joke, multiple headaches, bar dancing, a bar beating, a suffocation hallucination, a nurse with a head wound, ejecting a bullet from a gun, multiple moments of people running really, really fast for some reason, attempted wedding theme, a haircut flashback, multiple bleeding ears, multiple dead bodies in a house, gut stabbing, attempted body burying, lots of gun cocking, a gross neck injection, an accidental shooting, attempted neck breaking, a stand-off gunfight, and a brilliant ending.
Kim Richards?: None
Gratuitous: Sand skiing, guys playing a first person video game, a funny asshole ranch hand, off screen shower sex, Barry Corbin, naked back kissing, cows, beer drinking, a douchebag banker, strange headaches, a bar band we don't really get to hear, Barry Corbin in a wheelchair, suffocation, a nurse with a head wound, Marshall Teague, ejecting a bullet from a gun, pill dumping, attempted dead body burying, really, really fast running, gun cocking, a gross neck injection, attempted neck breaking, and a brilliant ending.
Best lines: "Oh my God. I'm gonna kill you," "Yeah, that's how I serve my country. I play video games," "You almost killed me! I'm just maintaining my readiness," "It's my disability payment, I'll spend it any damn way I want to," "Ready, willing, and able," "That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey," "All gave some. Some gave all. And some played goddamn video games," "I'm nobody's hero," "I thought you were gonna kill that guy," "When in doubt get drunk. That's what I always do," "It's just like riding a horse," "Rock this shit out! Rock this shit out!," "You know what you did you piece of shit!," "Just a normal day," "Sweet cross-eyed Jesus!," "You think you might have been special forces? Isn't that something you'd remember?," "Why are they doing this to me?," "The next time you find religion do it on someone else's watch," and "Who are you? I'm a minuteman, just like you."
Rating: 9.0/10.0
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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!
Please check out The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which can be seen here. It just started so there's not much there at the moment. But, as time goes by, expect to see daily questions and musings and other B-movie hooey. And it would be cool if you "liked" it, too.
- Rob thoughts: This new CBS sitcom starring Rob Schneider and Cheech Marin is actually not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I've never been a Schneider fan, but he was pretty funny as the show's lead Rob, a clean freak dumbass who marries into a big Mexican family and ends up looking like a fool. And Marin is decent enough as Rob's new father-in-law Fernando. He needs time to get used to the whole "sitcom" thing (he looked uncomfortable in a few scenes) but Marin is a pro and he'll figure the show out if the network gives the show time to figure itself out. And I absolutely adore both Claudia Bassols, who plays Rob's new wife Maggie, and Diana Maria Riva as Fernando's wife Rosa. Maggie is hot and fun to look at (she's also funny, which is always important in comedies. Ha) and Rosa is pissed off about not being told about Maggie's marriage. I'm a sucker for mother-in-law characters that hate their new son-in-law's. And Riva was the lieutenant on The Good Guys, the great Fox cop show starring Bradley Whitford that should have been given a second season. After watching that show, I'm always in the mood for watching Riva.
The only character I'm not thrilled about is Hector, Maggie's uncle. Played by Eugenio Derbez, Hector is just too wacky to be on this show as a regular. If he was the neighbor we see every few episodes, fine, but if he's going to be around for every episode as a member of Maggie's family he needs to dial it back a bit. He just doesn't fit in with everyone else. And I hope that more is done with Abuelita, played by Lupe Ontiveros. I can't remember if she's Rosa's mother of Fernando's mother, but the bit where she accidentally ended up in the bedroom with Rob after he accidentally knocked over the shrine to her dead husband was the funniest bit in the first episode. What else can she do?
So, how long will the show be able to do the whole "I don't know anything about Mexicans or big families" thing with Rob before it becomes ridiculous? Six episodes? Less than that? And when are we going to see Rob's family? How will they react to his new wife?
I'm interested in seeing where this show goes. I'll keep watching.
- Steven Seagal's True Justice to hit TV in March 2012: Steven Seagal's long delayed TV show, True Justice, has apparently found an American television home on the Reelz channel (it picked up the Kennedy mini-series that the History Channel dropped). According to various news reports plus a TV commercial that I saw the other day the show debuts in March on the network.
This is great news for Seagal nerds as it looked like the show was going to be abandoned and transformed into several direct-to-video movies (I believe that happened in the United Kingdom). That would have been cool, too, but I'd like to see the TV show in its original TV show form, just to see if the whole thing was worth it. Will there be enough ass kicking action on the show? Will it actually star Steven Seagal or will it feature him but focus on other characters? I can't wait to find out.
I am a little curious, though, as to why A&E, the home of Seagal's documentary reality show Lawman didn't pick up True Justice, or why Spike or USA didn't try to get it. Both Spike and USA run Seagal's DTV movies on a regular basis, so he obviously has a loyal audience. Why not put the TV show on, too? Put it on Monday nights before Monday Night Raw or perhaps after it? I bet most of Raw's audience would stick around.
Oh, well. Again, at least the show has a U.S. home. March can't get here soon enough.
- Edge in the Hall of Fame? Seriously?: When it was announced on Raw that Edge was the first inductee of the 2012 Hall of Fame class the first thing I said was, "Shit, if they're going to put Edge in the Hall of Fame now why not put Dolph Ziggler in, too? He's a former world champion." Thinking that that initial assessment was a tad bit harsh I decided to give the announcement a few days to settle in, just to see if could get used to it.
Well, it's been a few days, and while the Ziggler comparison was a bit harsh, does Edge really deserve to be in the Hall of Fame this year?
No. Edge doesn't deserve to be in the Hall of Fame this year. A few years down the line, like say 2015? Fine. But in 2012? I don't think so.
Yeah, I know, Eddy Guerrero was put in the HoF right after he died and Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels were inducted quickly, but, in my opinion, they were all better performers than Edge. They will also have actual legacies that will live on for decades. Will anyone be talking about Edge in five years? Not unless he somehow manages to come back from his injuries to wrestle again or becomes a manager of some sort. Despite his eleven world titles, numerous tag tiles, and pay-per-view main events, and this is just me talking, he was never all that impressive. He was just a guy that wore a raincoat and was annoying. Sort of like the Miz is now.
The WWE should have waited a few years to put Edge in. It would have meant a little more in five years. Now, it just seems comes off as a lame excuse to elevate a modern star that was never all that great to begin with.
If Randy Orton's injuries turn out to be worse than originally believed and he has to retire this year, does that mean he'll be in the Hall of Fame next year?
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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Theme of the Week
Enjoy.
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And now, the weekly Fearnet update
Fearnet, the only free all horror/thriller On Demand TV network features uncut, uncensored horror flicks from the past and present 24 hours a day, seven days a week, pretty much any time you freaking want them (as long as you still have power, that is). The channel also has behind-the-scenes stuff, trailers, and other cool hooey for you to check out. Check your local cable listings for availability.
Fearnet also exists as a regular old TV channel. This Fearnet airs horror movies roughly twenty one hours a day (there is a block of infomercials in the morning, usually from 6-9am est). The movies shown do have "commercial breaks" in them, similar to the breaks that currently appear on IFC, but the movies are uncut (blood and boobs and cursing are all intact).
Fearnet's website, fearnet.com, offers free movies, interviews, news, and other behind-the-scenes horror movie nerd stuff, too. The Stephen King adaptation The Mangler was on the site last week. Is it still there? Check and see).
The website also features Post Mortem with Mick Garris, a nifty interview show where big, fat Stephen King's favorite director talks with genre legends like John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Roger Corman, William Friedkin, and others (Frank Darabont!). It's definitely worth your time.
If you're a Facebook nerd (and, really, today, who isn't?) you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Join them. And, as always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement.
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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Babe of the Week: Mena Suvari
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Things to Watch Out For This Week
- Th1rt3en by Megadeth: This new CD from the heavy metal band Megadeth is nothing short of awesome. Featuring 13 tracks, it starts out strong with a song titled "Sudden Death" (probably my favorite song on the album so far) and ending with the aptly titled "13." "Public Enemy #1" is also a kick ass song. If you're a metal nerd and you haven't picked this up do it as soon as you can.
And don't be surprised if, while listening to the album in the car, you find yourself making "righteous fists" as you drive. I've been doing it for two weeks now.
- Worship Music by Anthrax: I haven't picked this up yet, but after following a recommendation from my pal Ben Piper I'm going to get it as soon as I can. I've listened to four tracks so far and holy fuck is it badass. Again, if you're a metal nerd you need to get this as soon as you can.
- The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass by Bill Maher: I just started reading this and, as expected, it's hilarious. As soon as you start reading the "New Rules" you'll start to hear Maher's voice and you'll start laughing. That's what happened to me after reading three of them.
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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week
This week, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week goes to music superstars and new parents Beyonce and Jay-Z for their outrageous demands involving the birth of their child, and to Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan for giving in to Beyonce and Jay-Z's outrageous demands. I know that Beyonce and Jay-Z are rich and famous and whatnot, but why should they be allowed to take over what amounts to a public hospital, bring in an army of private security guards, and then prevent other people from seeing their new babies? What makes their little yard monster any more important or special than anyone else's? If they were so fucking worried about paparazzi trying to sneak in and snap a picture of their new kid, why not have a security guy at the hospital door watching for paparazzi and a security guy at the door to their room? Wouldn't that have been enough?
Yeah, it would have been enough, but Beyonce and Jay-Z are incredibly wealthy celebrities and they can do whatever the fuck they want when they want to do it. Did they really think that preventing "regular" people from seeing their babies wouldn't get out? And if they were so fucking worried about security, why the fuck didn't they have Beyonce give birth at home?
Oh, wait, I forgot, Beyonce and Jay-Z are incredibly wealthy celebrities and they can do whatever the fuck they want when they want to do it.
As for Lenox Hill, what business are you in, exactly? Providing health care and help to people or making gobs of money from selfish, tone deaf celebrities? I'd tell you that you should be ashamed of yourself for giving in to the demands of incredibly wealthy celebrities simply because they're incredibly wealthy celebrities, but then you'd have to admit that the only thing you give a shit about is money, and I'd imagine it would be quite the hassle to spin that. It's just better to cash the check and then act indignant over the fact that people are outraged about your behavior, catering to the outrageous demands of incredibly wealthy celebrities who clearly don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves.
Am I out of line here? Am I missing something here?
Up next is Willard "Mitt" Romney, former governor of Massachusetts, piece of shit businessman, and 2012 Republican presidential hopeful, for saying that he "likes firing people." Oh, sure, Mitt tried to claim that he was really talking about "firing" his insurance company if he didn't like what they were doing, but based on his endless "I'm a rich, successful businessman and you're all just jealous because of my success" shit, it's pretty obvious that Mitt let out his true feelings about the non-rich here. They're just expendable assets, things that can be used and abused at his whim and leisure. He's a rich, successful businessman, after all. You should listen to what he has to say because he's rich and successful. That's the most important thing in the world.
Fuck you, Mitt, and fuck your "I was just talking about insurance companies" shit.
Fuck. You.
And finally there's the television network ABC, for cancelling the sitcom Work It after two weeks because of "bad ratings." Please. According to the ratings reports and news articles I read about the cancellation, the show's rating dropped twenty percent in week two, which, yeah, isn't great but isn't necessarily bad enough to warrant cancellation that fast. ABC is obviously using the ratings drop to "justify" shelving the show so it won't get any more shit from GLAAD and other groups that can't stand not telling people what they should be watching and reading (and in this case that's exactly what GLAAD is doing). It's all bullshit, and ABC should be ashamed of itself for caving in so quickly.
Twenty percent after two weeks? Last Man Standing dropped 17 percent in its second week and it's still on the air. Granted, that show still averages 7 million viewers or so a week, but Work It wasn't even given a chance to catch on. If it dropped even lower in a third airing, fine, cancel it. But twenty percent after two weeks? Again, please.
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NASCAR and Indycar thoughts
Well, NASCAR pre-season testing at Daytona is underway, and most of it was actually on television. I didn't get to see any of it as I didn't know it was going to be on TV, but from various reports it more or less went off without a hitch (only one accident). Sprint Cup officials are somewhat excited because, with new rule changes, we might see the return of "big pack" racing. There were several instances where the participating teams tested in two packs, one with ten cars in it and one with twenty cars in it. There was also plenty of two-car "tandem" testing, just to see if the cars can still do that. Even with the rule change (you can search the NASCAR website or the Speed Channel's website to find the articles that explain the rule changes) I'd imagine that the tandem racing is here to stay until there are radical changes to the cars, like what Dale Jarrett explained last year: "If they want to change the tandem thing just get rid of the rear bumper." That would be interesting, wouldn't it? And what are officials going to do about testing speeds going past 200 mph?
Richard Petty spoke out this past week about why his Richard Petty Motorsports team didn't hire 2004 Sprint Cup champion Kurt Busch, who was looking for a ride after being fired by Team Penske. Apparently, Petty wanted to hire Busch, but because absolutely no sponsor wanted to go near him. So that explains that, doesn't it?
Over in Indycar, Andretti Autosport announced that 2011 Rookie of the Year James Hinchcliffe will drive the Go Daddy.com car this year. Hinchcliffe, who lost his ride at Newman Haas when that team shut down, is expected to bring major visibility to the team and the series because he's big into social media or something. So that's three cars AA will have this year (Marco Andretti and Ryan Hunter-Reay are the other two). No word on a possible fourth car.
Bryan Herta Autosport also announced last week that Alex Tagliani will be its full time driver for 2012. I don't think they announced a sponsor deal, but Herta has been labeled as the Lotus Engine "factory team," so I'm going to assume that Lotus will be the team's sponsor, sort of like how KV Racing had the Lotus green on its cars last year. And it seems as though Jay Penske's Dragon Racing will be back with two cars for 2012, with Sebastien Bourdais and former Champ Car female driver Katherine Legge. How long will it take Bourdais to start openly complaining about racing at Texas? It's on the schedule and he's going to have to do it, unless he, along with Dario Franchitti and some of the other drivers, stage some kind of "walk out" on the track before the race. Don't be surprised if it happens.
Yahoo is reporting there's a chance that Milwaukee will be back this year with a race some time in June. The track's owners want a race but they need a promoter. Indycar isn't interested in promoting it. So who the heck is going to say "Yeah, I'll do it?" And if Indycar doescome back will the Indy Lights and Star Mazda series come back, too?
In Chili Bowl Midget Nationals news, Kevin Swindell picked up his third straight win, leading every lap and beating his father and five time winner Sammy Swindell to the finish line. Apparently the race distance was changed from 50 laps to 55 laps, in honor of local midget driver Donnie Ray Crawford III, who was killed in a "domestic incident" Saturday morning (his grandfather shot him or something. That's what I read on yahoo). Swindell is the first driver in the history of the event to win three in a row, which is pretty amazing considering the number of entries each year (over 200) and the quality of the teams and drivers. Tony Stewart, back after a four year absence, started tenth in the feature and finished tenth. I'm assuming he must have had handling issues. Check out the Chili Bowl website for full details.
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Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.
If there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
Universal Squadrons
Riley Smith- Lance Willa Ford- Becca Barry Corbin- Deakin Christian Kane- Peacemaker Marshall Teague- Dr. White David Born- Corky Adrian Green- Hitman Bryan Massey- Butcher Stacy Cunningham- Nurse St. Clair Keith Stone- Scruffy
Directed by Mark Millhone Screenplay by Mark Millhone and Daniel Raymond O'Brien, based on a story by Mark Millhone
