A Fool's Utopia 1.19.12: I Give In to Reality TV

Posted by Ron Martin on 01.19.2012

This week in one man's utopia I finally admit to enjoying some reality TV and take a look at some of the stuff I've been watching. Also, we review 1966's Batman, talk Lana Del Ray on SNL, a Milton Bradley toy line from the late 80s and Comedy Central shenanigans.

I never thought it would come to this. If you had told me almost five years ago when I started this column that I would write a column about reality TV that didn't totally demolish the genre, I would have dismissed you as a loon and forgotten that you exist in about three minutes. At the time I figured reality TV to be a fad, something that would be gone by the end of the first decade of the century. I didn't take into account the attractiveness of reality TV to network executives. Why pay actors hundreds of thousands of dollars per episode when you can pay Joe Blow a few thousand an episode and he or she will shit their pants in excitement. It's a lot easier to swallow failure when the failure only cost five figures instead of seven. Eventually, all TV will probably be of the reality variety. Even I am not immune to it. I still think most of reality TV is crap (I'm talking a lot of competition shows and shows like Jersey Shore were you just watch people drink and screw), but I've had a few reality shows on my DVR as of late. Here's the reality TV I've been watching…



Restaurant Impossible



In my unemployment, I've been watching a lot of the Food Network. I have no idea why, I think it's written in the bylaws of life that if you are unemployed you are banished to your home and all you can watch is the Food Network. A chef by the name Robert Irvine, who looks like a cross between 1980s Sylvester Stallone and the skinny kid that got picked on at the bus stop in third grade, comes into a failing restaurant and fixes it. The catch is that Chef Robert only has two days and $10,000 to pull off this Herculean task. In order to accomplish this, Robert brings in a designer and a carpenter to redo the look of the restaurant while he yells and insults the cooks a lot. The cooks, for their part, always take a weak stance to try and stand up for themselves, but it's always to no avail. Chef Robert just exclaims that what they've been doing obviously isn't working, so it's time to change. And change they do. 48 hours later, the restaurant opens up with a completely different look and menu to a packed house full of people trying to get on camera by eating and promising they will come back to the restaurant even when the cameras are not rolling. Like all train wrecks, we can't take our eyes off of something that has failed so miserably. We root for the restaurant owners even though they are obviously bad at what they do. The show packs the place the first night, but a little research online unearths the fact that many of these restaurants are so far in the hole by the time Restaurant Impossible gets to them, that even the added income doesn't help them and a lot of them have to sell their restaurants anyways. That doesn't affect the watchability of this program, as I will keep this on my DVR.


Cajun Pawn Stars



This series is the first quasi-spinoff of the most successful series on TV, Pawn Stars. Like everyone else, I watch Pawn Stars because I want to see what's going to come in next and what it's going to be worth. The show wouldn't be as successful as it is if it was just footage of Rick and his crew looking at engagement rings and old DVDs of Seinfeld like a real pawn shop. Cajun Pawn Stars takes almost the exact same show and sets it in a pawn shop in Louisiana. It's the same concept, but it plays different because it's in the South. Things a little slower and seemingly quite a bit more dangerous. In four episodes, Big Daddy and his family have purchased a number of guns (including a sniper rifle), a herd of donkeys, a miniature goat, an alien in a jar and had a cookout where alligator was the main item on the menu. I caught the show using a little camera magic when they had a North vs. South duel with the sniper rifle (pausing the show at just the right spot shows the girl didn't even come close to hitting the target they gave her credit for), but so far I am entertained more than I should be and for now, it stays on the DVR.


Finding Bigfoot



I love Animal Planet for lots of it's programs including Pit Boss, Tanked and the many times it runs Planet Earth when it has no other programming. That being said, I was excited when I heard the channel was trying to get some of that paranormal community loving by highlighting a show that attempts to prove the existence of Bigfoot (the crypto zoological creature, not the monster truck). I like crypto zoology as much as the next guy. However, this show just flat out sucks. For the most part, these guys somewhere where there are trees and claim there are Sasquatch there. Seriously. In the last episode, they admitted to getting no proof whatsoever that there were Sasquatch in the area they were exploring (I believe it was Minnesota). That certainly didn't stop them from saying that they somehow know there are Sasquatch in the area and proved it. To listen to these guys, you would think Sasquatch are as prominent as deer. They hear sounds in the woods at night that aren't picked up by the camera and declare the place to be overrun with Sasquatch. Every witness is credible and every knock is a Sasquatch. Ugh. This one is only on my DVR because I forgot to stop the series recording. That error has been corrected. Hopefully, I will never have to watch another minute of this show.


Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off



I really don't get into competition reality TV that eliminates people – unless "celebrities" are involved. Also, as I mentioned before, I am sworn by the Food Network as long as I am collecting money from the government. I mentioned this show in last week's column and I will continue to watch it through its conclusion, but this week was laugh out loud funny. The celebrities had to cook favorite dishes of the judges of one my other favorite Food Network shows, Chopped. These are the judges that ruin lives of prominent chefs because a piece of meat that they had ten minutes to prepare was slightly undercooked. The dishes our celebrities were given to prepare; fried chicken, spaghetti and steak. Are you kidding me? I make those for myself at home in about ten minutes. To add insult to injury, the three losing celebrities, Joey Fatone, Lou Diamond Phillips and Cheech Marin had to compete in the cook off to see who would go home – do you know what the big cook off dish was? A grilled cheese sandwich. A plate that a ten year old can make. Get this – two of the three of them couldn't even do that right! They forgot to melt the cheese. This may be perverse, but I love this show. Of the five contestants left, my money is on Joey Fatone to win it all. Mostly, I want to see if any of the borrowed body parts fall off of Taylor Dayne before it's all said and done. A definite winner in my book!



The RETURN OF It Came From the $5 Bin!




Batman

Okay, I cheated just a little bit this week on the movie. It didn't really come from the $5 bin. At some point during the holiday season, while I was looking for holiday shows to DVR, I saw this and thought I should watch it. This is from 1966 and was supposed to be a showcase for the upcoming Batman television series. Money issues pushed the opening of the movie back to after the first season of television. I remember watching reruns of Batman when I was a kid and I knew it was really, really campy, but wow – campy isn't even the word. This almost plays a parody of the original Batman series, it's so campy.

The story is that there is a World Summit in town and the major four Batman villains, The Joker, The Riddler, The Penguin and Catwoman have all become United Underground, a force that is looking to take over the world and rid it of Batman and Robin. The mains are all played by the same actors from TV with one exception. Julie Newmar had to bow out of the role of Catwoman due to previous obligations. Lee Meriwether steps in nicely. Not only is not hard to look at Meriwether, but really with Catwoman, all you have to do is say "purrrrfect" a lot and hate getting sprayed with water. The quartet have come up with a device that dehydrates humans to the point of turning them into dust. They use this to capture the World Summit leaders.



There is a side story that takes up much of the middle of the film. The villains try to lure Batman into a trap by using Bruce Wayne as bait. For Bruce Wayne bait, they use Catwoman minus outfit and rename her Ms. Kitka. Bruce Wayne falls for Kitka hard and Batman is crushed when he finds out she is actually the Catwoman. Of course, Batman and Robin save the day by forcing Penguin's submarine to surface and capturing the four main criminals and their "pirate" thugs. The only thing left to do is re-hydrate the World leaders, which for some reason is left to Batman and Robin. At one point, Batman stand in front of the "molecular separator" the he and Robin have built and declare they aren't scientists. Of course, they just built a molecular separator. And why aren't the scientists taking care of this? In the end, all is good and Batman declares he and Robin should make an inconspicuous exit – by climbing out of a twentieth story window! Now that's inconspicuous!


I really didn't know the ridiculous lengths of campiness Batman was all about, back in the day. Everything was labeled from the molecular separator to the thug guinea pigs the original weapon was used one. Literally, they had t-shirts on that read "Guinea Pig #1," "Guinea Pig #2" and so forth. The dialogue was laughably bad, but that's the charm of the old Batman stuff. You haven't seen anything until you've seen Batman running an a pier with a lit bomb in his hands trying to throw it into the water but being thwarted by nuns, a lady pushing a baby carriage and a family of ducks. We liked our Batman a lot different back then. 2/5


FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS


1. SPORTS THOUGHTS:


a. It wasn't a bad weekend for playoff football. I went 2-2 in my own predictions making me a horrifically mediocre 4-4 for the playoff stretch. However, I am happy that both New Orleans and Green Bay were eliminated. New Orleans for the reasons I mentioned last week and Green Bay just because I was sick of hearing about them. Now, if New England would just lose this week – everything would be grand! Not going to happen though. They routinely make Baltimore their bitches. I'm looking at a New England/San Francisco Super Bowl. What about you guys?


b. My prayers have been answered and the atrocity that was the Jim Caldwell era is finally over. Yeah, I know the next year is going to be rough and the Colts are losing a lot of free agents and there's a good possibility Peyton Manning won't be back and Andrew Luck will be a bust. I don't care. As long as the homeless looking guy wearing the Colts sweater that never blinks isn't on the sideline, I'm a happy camper. I would have been highly disappointed in the new GM if he looked at Caldwell's performance and thought he would be okay to keep around. I can't say I'm excited for the post-Manning era, but I'm willing to stick around to see what happens.

c. There are no give-me games in the Big Ten this year. Iowa over Michigan. Minnesota over Indiana. I'm probably biased, but I believe this to be far and away the best basketball conference in the NCAA this year. I'm hoping a tough conference schedule equals success in the NCAA tournament and not "we beat the crap out of each other and now we got nothing left for the tournament."


2. An actual conversation I had with a 22-year-old girl where I work:


Her: I love the Kardashians.
Me: Why?
Her: They're so famous.
Me: They're all famous because Kim Kardashian had sex with a D-Rate rapper ten years ago.
Her: No, they're famous because they have a reality TV show.
Me: They have a reality TV show because Kim Kardashian had sex with a D-Rate rapper ten years ago.
Her: Whatever. They're famous now.

We are in for a rough future, my friends.


3. Lana Del Ray had a rough time of on Saturday Night Live this past week, didn't she?



I first wrote about Lana Del Ray in Ask 411Music when someone asked me if she'd had lip work done. This was the first time I've actually seen her perform. I didn't think it was great, but SNL is a big stage. Lorne Michaels must not have hated it because he let her go on with her second song. There have been many times when Michaels killed the second musical spot. I'm sure when this thing is cut down for syndication, one of the two songs will be cut out.

Del Ray is going to get a lot of extra criticism probably her whole career because people see her as a "hipster" and she's the current indy darling getting shoved down our throats. It's not my kind of music, but freezing up a bit on SNL doesn't exactly ruin a career. Look at Ashlee Simpson – bad example. No matter whether we like it or not, Del Ray will be on the cover of every magazine in the next two years denying she's ever had any work done on her lips (just give up on that already – it'll make things easier) and a certain amount of the population will raise her up further than she should be just because another amount of the population will unfairly criticize her music more harshly because of who she is and what she represents.

It's going to be an interesting ride. I'm looking forward to it.


4. Am I the only one having problems with Comedy Central pulling a whole lot of shenanigans with their programming lately? I have Futurama, Tosh.0, Workaholics and South Park on series recordings – but only new episodes. Imagine my surprise when I opened up my DVR to see two new episodes of Futurama and a new episode of Tosh.0 when I didn't know they were starting to air new episodes. Oh well. I sat down to bask in my luck of new episodes and what did I get? Two reruns of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia and an old episode of Futurama. This is not the first time Comedy Central has screwed me by labeling something it's not. Do they get DVR ratings for tricking my machine into believing they were airing something they were not? Has anyone else had this problem?


5. Okay, let's add to the list of chicks I would rather bang than Men's Health's sexiest woman who ever lived, Jennifer Anniston.


I actually watched most of Monday Night RAW this week as I've been interested in the Kane storyline. Imagine my surprise when I saw a WWE Diva that I actually thought was gorgeous. I'm not into generic hot chicks, so it's been awhile since one of the women in the WWE caught my eye, but – when did Rosa Mendes get so hot?! It should be noted that I have a soft spot for Latinas, but damn! Whatever she was wearing during RAW I'd be more than happy to worship it once she took it off.

Let's also add both our Catwomen, Lee Meriwether and Julie Newmar to the list. Hey, the Men's Health list was sexiest of all time and including many women of different eras in their prime. I'd take either of these ladies in their prime over Anniston.

I thought about Lana Del Ray, but I don't know. It's close.






Our list as of today:

1. Brandi from Storage Wars
2. Megyn Price
3. Miss USA 2011, Alyssa Campanella
4. Rosa Mendes
5. Lee Meriwether
6. Julie Newmar




USELESS TRIVIA and SHAMELESS PLUGGING

Last Week's USELESS TRIVIA

The Phantasm series takes its title from a popular American writer who used the phrase repeatedly in his works. Who was that writer?

Answer: Edgar Allen Poe. "Phantasm" is a word frequently used by Poe and Phantasm series creator Don Coscarelli took it from Poe's writings to be the title of his movie. Congrats to SAMMY for knowing the right answer when I really didn't think anyone would. There are no prizes, Sammy, other than showing off your knowledge of useless trivia – and having your name all in CAPS of course.

This week's USELESS TRIVIA

An easy one this week – If Tom Brady makes it to the Super Bowl this season, it will be his fifth appearance. What other quarterbacks have five Super Bowl appearances?


SHAMELESS PLUGGING

Check out Ask 411 Music this week as I talk about the Illuminati and CM Punk. I swear it's a music column – really!





THIS WEEK IN RETRO



Yeah, I couldn't find a good commercial, so you get that footage of the actual toy we will be talking about today. In 1986-87, Milton Bradley released a series of toys called T.H.I.N.G.S. That is hard to type. For the remainder of our discussion, if I have to type that again, it will be sans the periods.

THINGS was short for Totally Hilarious Incredibly Neat Games of Skill. I don't know how many different games were in the total line, but I could find the existence of four. Were the games totally hilarious? I don't know that I'd go that far. Incredibly Neat? I would say they were definitely neat – incredibly neat is getting me to commit to way too much. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends, I'm not one for committing. Games of Skill? Sure, why not? Games of skill can be translated here as "perform the task before the timer runs out."



For example, in the video above, the game is called Astro-Nots. It's basically a low rent version of the old fishing game where the fish keep opening their mouths and you have to fish them out of the water. Astro-nots uses magnets. You see, the astro-nots have gotten themselves into a pickle. The mean green monster on the side is coming to eat them all and you have to rescue as many as possible before the green monster has dinner. You are charged with the decision of who lives and who dies. Try not to think of their families.

Other games include a giant Godzilla like lizard where you have to put the guy's shell back in place before the buzzer and he'll pop out of the egg and aww….how cute would that be, right? Then there's Sir Ring-a-Lot where a bat flies around with rings and you have to lance them with your…uh, lance. The fourth I found evidence of was Flip-O-Potumus, which was a one man ripoff of Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

If you blinked in 1986, you may never have even noticed that THINGS existed. In a world that already had a dominant toy franchise with a bunch of periods (M.U.S.C.L.E.), why would you?

23 Years Ago Today

#1 Single



"My Prerogative" by Bobby Brown


#1 Album



Giving You the Best that I Got by Anita Baker



#1 Movie




Rain Man



I must leave you now.