The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 1.23.12 Issue #192 The Graves (2009)

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 01.23.2012

In this issue, I take a look at the low budget horror flick from 2009 and After Dark Horrorfest 4, The Graves featuring Clare Grant, Jillian Murray, Bill Moseley, Amanda Wyss, and Tony Todd, plus I find More Things I’m Tired Of (Jamie Lee Curtis and Activia commercials, Katherine Heigl, DVD case stickers, and the “New York football Giants,” I crown a new B-Movie Babe, name a new Douchebag of the Week, find more Things to Watch Out For This Week, and more. Check it out.

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #192: The Graves (2009)


Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that can say without fear of contradiction that it isn't the real father of Khloe Kardashian, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number one hundred and ninety-two, I take a look at the low budget horror flick from 2009, The Graves, written and directed by independent comic book legend Brian Pulido.

The Graves (2009)





The Graves, which was part of the After Dark Horrorfest 4 back in 2010, stars Clare Grant and Jillian Murphy as Megan and Abby Graves, close sisters living in Arizona, looking to spend one last big weekend together before Megan goes to New York for a lucrative advertising job. Abby doesn't want Megan to go, but she understands that her sister has to go because it's her future. And while Megan is sort of apprehensive about leaving her baby sister to essentially fend for herself, she knows that she, too, has to go and try to make a go of it in New York. Their last big weekend together is set to be a hoot. They stop at the comic book store, go to a concert, and decide to go on a bit of a road trip. At first, they're not quite sure where they want to go, but they figure that they'll know what they want to see when they see it.

It doesn't take long for the sisters to find road signs for the Skull City Mine, an old desert tourist attraction that could be fun (they originally thought about trying to find the world's largest thermometer, but that idea got old fast). The town that sits just before the mine, Unity, is a bit weird, as everyone seems to be in the thrall of the creepy Reverend Abraham Stockton (the Tony Todd), but the sisters don't pay all that much attention to it. They ask a waitress at a diner they stop at, Darlene (the Amanda Wyss), for directions to the mine. Darlene isn't as weird as the rest of the town, but she's definitely "off" a bit. When the sisters get to the mine they meet up with someone who is completely off, Mama (Barbara Glover), the caretaker of the mine attraction. Mama tells the sisters that the mine is tour free, that they can walk around the grounds by themselves. The sisters quickly go off to see what the heck the mine is all about. Is it spooky? Is it as weird as Unity? Is it just bullshit? It doesn't take long for the sisters to find out.

The biggest problem with The Graves is that its second half isn't as good as its first half. Getting to know the Graves sisters is fun, as both Clare Grant and Jillian Murray are nice to look at and share an easy, believable "close sisters" chemistry. And while you have a small idea of what the sisters are going to encounter when they eventually get to the mine before they do, the build to that big reveal is well handled by Pulido. There's an energy and a dark sense of humor to everything. And when the great Bill Moseley shows up as an insane tow truck driver named "Cookie," the movie's energy jacks up ten-fold. But as soon as the flick's middle point arrives the movie takes a nosedive. Suddenly the movie is about something else other than the Graves sisters surviving the evil machinations of the psychotic Cookie. Suddenly, the movie is all about an evil smell from the mine and some bullshit about a "town savior." Had the movie stuck with Cookie and the Graves trying to get away from him, the movie might have succeeded. But because the movie decides to switch gears it just isn't as good as it could have been.

It also would have been a good idea to get Tony Todd's Reverend Stockton character more into the story sooner. He shows up once towards the beginning of the movie, and then he just disappears. You actually sort of forget about him. When he finally shows up again you don't say "Yes! Tony Todd is back!," you say "Where did he come from?" And that's a big problem when you have the Tony Todd in your movie. He needs to be around more. He is, after all, the Tony Todd.

And then there's the whole "soul sucking" thing that seems to have something to do with exposed blood or something. I'm not quite sure if the weird beard thing that shows up to suck out a person's eyes shows up because of the person's exposed blood or if the person has to be dead or near death. I'm assuming it's all about blood because, right before the person's eyes are removed, he or she lets out a scream. But both Megan and Abby bleed a little bit throughout the middle part of the story and neither one of them gets their eyes sucked out. So, really, I'm not sure what the heck is going on there.

The performances are, for the most part, top notch. Grant and Murray are excellent as the Graves sisters Megan and Abby. As I said, they're nice to look at (good God Grant is stacked) and they have a believable chemistry as sisters. Despite the lackluster second half of the movie, I'd love to see them together again in some kind of The Graves sequels. They do mention that it would be kind of neat to be known as "monster hunting sisters" at the end of the movie. I'd be okay with them fighting monsters in a sequel.

Moseley does his usual great job as Cookie. You know he's creepy and weird and nasty as soon as you see him (he is, after all, Bill Moseley), but when he starts actually doing stuff (like blasting a guy in the head at point blank range with a shotgun) he's even creepier, weirder, and nastier than originally thought. Only a guy like Bill Moseley could pull something like that off. Good job, man.

Amanda Wyss, of A Nightmare on Elm Street and Better Off Dead fame, does a decent job as the diner waitress Darlene. You're not quite sure how to take her at first, but she manages to redeem herself towards the end. And while Tony Todd's Reverend character is confusing, it's still cool to see him ham it up as a psycho. I just wish I knew what the hell his character is supposed to be about. Is he leading some kind of Christian cult or something?

Barbara Glover does a good job as Mama (it's all in the teeth). And Kevin Berman is excellent as Tobias, the movie's first psycho killer. The man knows how to smash a hammer into a person's back.

The flick's special effects are well done. The gore, both the practical gore and the CG gore, look great. And the music heard throughout the movie is about as kick-ass as any I've heard in a modern low budget horror flick. It might already have one, but if it doesn't the movie deserves to have CD compilation. I'd buy one. The music really is that good.

The Graves isn't a complete failure, as it does have many, many good points, but it's not as good as it could be and should be. It's not a bad first movie for a first time director, though. I wouldn't mind seeing another Pulido directed movie.

The Graves isn't great, but it isn't terrible, either. It's okay at best. It's worth checking out if you're bored and you don't have anything else to do.



So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: 10 +

Explosions: None.

Nudity?: None.

Doobage: Sword making, a nice looking family, a junkyard, a fat guy with a bloody hammer, a bloody baby shoe, skull smashing, two hot chicks hanging out in a comic book store, a guy with a mohawk, knee to the balls, minor barfing, an old mine, an annoying fly, luggage stealing, car disabling, hammer to the back, eye removal, multiple scenes of people running in the desert, more back hammering, annoying radio smashing, a big set of keys, tire iron to the leg, shotgun blast to the head at point blank range with brain splatter, a hand wound, a pile of bloody baby toys, a hanging dead body, a self inflicted wound, attempted hill climbing, face kicking, chair bondage, Bill Moseley eating a carrot, rock to the face, sharpened stick to the eye, nose biting, a nasty leg break, body stabbing, choking, double chair bondage, a big cross with a knife in it, throat cutting, a really bad smell, demonic air biting, more throat slashing, an orgy of bloody beatings, spear through the chest, a mysterious rocking chair, and a weird ending.

Kim Richards?: Yes (implied).

Gratuitous: Sword making, a bloody baby shoe, hot chicks hanging out in a comic book store, Atomic Comics, Lady Death, a comic book store employee with a mohawk, first person video taping, a hot chick admiring her own feet, Tony Todd's voice on the radio, Tony Todd, Amanda Wyss, an old mine, Bill Moseley, multiple instances of sudden eye removal, back hammering, a shotgun blast to the head at point blank range, Bill Moseley wearing a pig's nose, attempted hill climbing, Bill Moseley eating a carrot, a disturbing conversation, bloody nose removal, chair bondage, a bad smell, an orgy of bloody beatings, and a weird ending.


Dolph Lundgren Award for Shooting a Guy in the Head at Point Blank Range with a Shotgun On Screen and Seeing It

Best lines: "Dude, no means no," "If we get food poisoning it's your fault," "Bless us, Lord, for the bounty we are about to receive," "What is a western tea bag anyway?," "This place, it's crawling with spirits," "What is that? The entrance to the mine shaft. Ha, you said shaft," "We're next! We're next!," "I'm sorry, but this is the way it's got to be," "I ain't in no hurry. However long it takes it takes," "I can't think with you talking!," "Come on! Come on, asshole!," "You guys okay? You look like you got hit by a shit storm," "I told them you can't put a pussy in charge of this thing!," "If you want to make this interesting you've got to better than this!," "You're a real hell cat, ain't ya?," "The only thing that you've got that I want is your suffering," "You're insane! No, we're God's will," and "No one is going to believe us. Yeah, who would have thought? Megan and Abby Graves, monster hunters."

Rating: 6.0/10.0

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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!






Please check out The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which can be seen here. There's not much there at the moment, but as time goes by, expect to see daily questions and musings and other B-movie hooey. And it would be cool if you "liked" it, too.

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page! Yeah!



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More Things I'm Tired Of


The following is a list of things I'm tired of. They appear in no order of importance. It's just a list of things I'm tired of. Enjoy.










- Jamie Lee Curtis and her Activia yogurt commercials: I like, well, love Jamie Lee Curtis, I do, and I don't want to begrudge anyone making a living, but these Activia yogurt commercials she's doing have to stop. They're on just about every channel, the people Curtis talks to in them are annoying, and the premise of that one where she's asking people to send video testimonials to her about how much Activia changed their lives is just ridiculous. Is Jamie Lee really watching these things as they come in? Are the Activia people really sending her these testimonials? I doubt it.

Why can't Jamie Lee just endorse the product, say she likes eating it in a commercial, and just leave it at that? How can yogurt be life changing thing? I'm not buying it, man. I'm just not buying it.

Jamie Lee needs to get back into acting full-time. She's going to be on NCIS, and I bet she could still carry a movie if given the chance. And I bet that she could still do a hot nude scene. Oh, sure, she's older now, heavier, not as shapely as she used to be, but she's still kind of hot and I bet, in the right kind of role and the right kind of lighting, she could make a pop culture splash again.

Jamie Lee's tits and thighs on the big screen again. Oh, yeah!




Or am I just nuts?











- Katherine Heigl: Heigl recently announced that she wants to come back to Grey's Anatomy, the TV show that made her a star, so she can find out what her character Izzie is up to now.

Please.

Heigl wants to go back to the show because her movie career has been spotty at best, and she's tired of not being seen in movies that no one apparently wants to see (it'll be interesting to see how much money her latest movie, One for the Money, opening this Friday, takes in at the box office). I wouldn't be surprised to find out that ABC wanted her back, too. Grey's isn't the must-see show it used to be, and I'm sure that ABC would love to try to get back the segment of the audience that left the show when Heigl did. But lets get back to the failure of Heigl's movie career. Why the hell isn't she saying it, and why aren't more people in the media saying it? Her movie career has been a complete and total failure.

Oh, sure, she had hits with Knocked Up, 27 Dresses, and The Ugly Truth, but the other movies she's been in have all tanked. Killers with Ashton Kutcher was an abomination, Life as We Know It was terrible, and I doubt many people even remember that she was even in New Year's Eve. She "needs" to do something to become relevant again.

No, what Heigl needs to do is find better movies to be in, maybe do a nude scene in something, and stop the "I'm interested to see where she's at" crap. It's ridiculous.

Am I nuts about this, too?





(This bullshit right here)


- The sticker on the edge of the DVD case: Why is this sticker on the edge of the DVD case? It's annoying as hell. It never wants to come directly off. You constantly have to screw around with it, trying to get a fingernail under the sticker so you can yank it off. And if you manage to get actually get a fingernail under the sticker odds are you won't be able to take the label off in one piece. No, it has to fall apart or come off in "strips." What kind of bullshit is that?

And when the DVD has two of those labels it's double the ass pain. Isn't the plastic crap they wrap the DVD case in good enough to keep the DVD case closed? Is the label meant to be some kind of security thing so you know that the DVD has been tampered with? Again, isn't ripped plastic good enough to figure that out?

The same thing happens with new CDs. I'm willing to bet good money that CDs could come back if the music companies figured out how to have a CD without that sticker bullshit on the top of the case or on the side. It could become part of a new, industry wide advertising campaign.

"Look, people! No label bullshit!" People would show up in droves. They would.









- People who say "the New York football Giants": You know, when New York had both a baseball team named "the Giants" and a football team named "the Giants" it was necessary to say which specific Giants team you were talking about. But that necessity ended in 1957 when the baseball team left and set up shop in San Francisco. And since that was fifty-five years ago, I think it's time to completely stop saying "the New York football Giants." There's no need for it, it isn't funny anymore, and it's just goddamn annoying.

It's time to move on, folks. The Giants baseball team ain't coming back. Accept it, digest it, and move on with your life. I've managed to. It's about time you did, too.



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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Theme of the Week



Enjoy.








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And now, the weekly Fearnet update



Fearnet, the only free all horror/thriller On Demand TV network features uncut, uncensored horror flicks from the past and present 24 hours a day, seven days a week, pretty much any time you freaking want them (as long as you still have power, that is). The channel also has behind-the-scenes stuff, trailers, and other cool hooey for you to check out. Check your local cable listings for availability (Fearnet recently returned to Time Warner cable after a too long hiatus, so if you have Time Warner and you're not sure if you have it, take five minutes out of your TV watching day and find out. You'll be glad you did).

Fearnet also exists as a regular old TV channel. This Fearnet airs horror movies roughly twenty one hours a day (there is a block of infomercials in the morning, usually from 6-9am est). The movies shown do have "commercial breaks" in them, similar to the breaks that currently appear on IFC, but the movies are uncut (blood and boobs and cursing are all intact).

Fearnet's website, fearnet.com, offers free movies, interviews, news, and other behind-the-scenes horror movie nerd stuff, too. The movie I reviewed in this very column, The Graves was on the site last week. Is it still there? Check and see).





The website also features Post Mortem with Mick Garris, a nifty interview show where big, fat Stephen King's favorite director talks with genre legends like John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Roger Corman, William Friedkin, and others. It's definitely worth your time.

If you're a Facebook nerd (and, really, today, who isn't?) you can check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Join them. And, as always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement.








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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Babe of the Week: Gina Carano







(And check out my review of Haywire here)


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Things to Watch Out For This Week



- Godzilla: The Criterion Collection: This DVD features both the 1954 Japanese original and the Americanized version featuring Raymond Burr from 1956, Godzilla: King of the Monsters!, plus a bunch of kick-ass special features (what other kind are there on Criterion releases? Go here to see the full list). Definitely worth getting. I know I plan to.








- House on Sorority Row 2-disc special edition: This 1983 slasher classic, recently remade as Sorority Row, gets the 2-disc special edition treatment from the fine folks at Scorpion Entertainment. I haven't seen in it years, so this set is reason enough to get reacquainted with it.







- Buck Rogers in the 25th Century Season One: I have no idea how different this is from the earlier "complete saga" release, but if you didn't get that set and you're a Buck Rogers nerd from way back, be sure to pick it up. There don't appear to be any special features, like the previous release, so just be aware of that. You'd think that Universal would produce some special features, though. Buck Rogers is the kind of classic nerd show that deserves some kind of DVD look back.








- Tales of An Ancient Empire: Also known as Abelar: Tales of an Ancient Empire according to imdb, this belated sequel to director Albert Pyun's The Sword and the Sorcerer looks like a low budget hoot. Kevin Sorbo, Michael Pare, and Mathew Willig all in one movie? Why would anyone want to miss it?





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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week






This week, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week goes to Francesco Schettino, Captain of the Costa Concordia, for claiming that the reason he was in a lifeboat and not still onboard his sinking vessel, trying to manage the deadly crisis before him, was because he tripped and fell into a lifeboat and couldn't get back onboard. Thankfully, absolutely no one outside of his attorney believes that excuse and he's being smashed in the international media for being a low down coward. Had he simply said something along the lines of "I'm not getting back on that boat! It's fucking sinking!" his hanging around in the lifeboat would have been understandable. It would still have been absolutely reprehensible but it would have been understandable. Now, he's trying to make everyone believe that weird stuff happened to him and there was nothing he could do.

Nope, sorry, Captain, but you shit your pants, freaked out, and left the boat. Just admit, take a prison sentence and public pariah status and move on with your life. There's no need prolonging the bullshit.




Up next is former U.S. Congressperson, Speaker of the House, Douchebag Hall of Famer, and 2012 Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, for flipping out at the recent CNN Republican after moderator John King asked him about recent allegations from his second wife about wanting an "open marriage." At that moment in time the "open marriage" story was a big one, it was all anyone was talking about, and it would have been professionally foolish for King not to ask Gingrich, at some point during the debate, what the hell was going on. King was just doing his job (and, yes, he would have asked a similar question to a Democratic candidate if something similar happened during a Democratic Presidential primary). Had Gingrich said "It's all untrue and that's all I plan on saying about it" that would have been it. But Gingrich decided to once again attack the so-called "liberal media" and make it sound like the world is out to get him. It gets a good reaction from the right wing crowd in the audience, sure, but it's getting old, man. Get over the non-existent conspiracy and move on.

Oh, and please don't bother trying to say "none of it's true" now. With the way you went after King and "the liberal media" it's obvious that what she said is absolutely true and that you're a bigger piece of shit than originally thought. Very sad, Newt. Very, very sad. How long does Callista have? Like two or three more years?




And then there's Stephanie Miner, Democratic mayor of Syracuse, New York, for ordering the dismantling of the Occupy Syracuse camp last Thursday. Sighting so-called "public safety" concerns, the mayor ordered the police to dismantle the camp, likely meaning that local big time business interests told her the camp had to go, otherwise she wouldn't get any money from them come election time. Or she just decided the camp had to go because that's what "sensible, pragmatic, common sense Democrats need to do in these trying economic times." It's all bullshit, of course. She, like the other Democratic mayors across the country that decided to sell their soul to big business, should be ashamed of herself, but then that would require a conscience.

Disgraceful.




And finally there's cable network AMC, for deciding to air reruns of CSI: Miami starting this week. Because that's what cable TV needs right now, yet another channel airing CSI franchise reruns. And that's what a cable channel known for airing movies and critically acclaimed original shows needs, a good excuse for abandoning the movie format and becoming another USA type channel. I mean, how long will it take for the channel to start running other syndicated TV shows that are already on other channels? Because you know we're not going to get reruns of Knight Rider and good stuff like that. We're instead going to get another channel of Criminal Minds, The Shield, and Walker: Texas Ranger reruns. It's going to happen eventually.

Am I the only one annoyed by this?



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NASCAR and Indycar thoughts





Not much going on in NASCAR at the moment, which is kind of shocking since the Daytona 500 is only a few weeks away and there are ongoing concerns about the speeds generated during Sprint Cup testing. The big news story, at least the one that I saw, has Kurt Busch driving for his brother Kyle in the Nationwide Series a few times in 2012. It'll be interesting to see if this arrangement gets Kurt in the good graces of Toyota, which could then get him "in" with one of the big Toyota teams (Joe Gibbs, where Kyle drives, and Michael Waltrip). Of course, this could just be a deal put together to give Kurt a chance to win some races in 2012 since he probably won't be winning many driving the Phoenix Racing #51 in the Sprint Cup series. Kyle's Nationwide program will be top notch and well funded, which means Kurt will have a chance to run up front consistently when he races.

There's also a chance that this arrangement could make Kurt look good in some sponsor's eye, making him a worthwhile bet for some company in 2013. If Kurt can get a decent sponsor it'll be easier for him to land a good team for 2013. You'd think that Phoenix would want to become a bigger and better team and make a play for Kurt in the event that he can land a sponsor for 2013, and then make him a part owner, sort of like what Hendrick did with Jeff Gordon. Kurt must have enough money to bypass that thought.




The first big, major race of the season is this coming weekend, the Rolex 24 Hours of Daytona. Coverage of the sports car event starts on the Speed Channel Saturday afternoon at 2:30pm with some kind of pre-race show, then goes to 11pm, where coverage then shifts to Speed's website. TV coverage picks up again at 9am Sunday and goes on until the end. I have no idea how many NASCAR stars plan on participating in the event (Juan Pablo Montoya is a given) but I do know that several Indycar drivers are going to be in the race. You can go to http://www.speedtv.com for news and a list of entered drivers. I'll probably check out some of the early coverage of the race, then come back for the last two hours or so on Sunday. That's what I typically do with the Rolex.



Not much going on in Indycar at the moment, either. Oriol Servia was announced as Dreyer and Reinbold's new driver, which is good news for fans of Servia. He finished fourth in points last year driving for the now defunct Newman Haas team, and with a solid team like D&RR under I'd say there's a good chance he could duplicate that success in 2012. And with the new car posing problems and issues for everyone, there's a good chance that he could end up in victory lane somewhere.

The Indycar teams are in the middle of testing the new car, with tests at Sebring. Marshall Pruett of Speed claims that there could be over thirty teams at the season opener in St. Pete, which is shocking considering that Robin Miller said a few weeks ago that, because of the economy, it was doubtful that more than twenty cars would be able to show up for the opener. Where did the series and the teams find the money to run?




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Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.

If there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

The Graves

Clare Grant- Megan Graves
Jillian Murray- Abby Graves
Bill Moseley- Caleb "Cookie" Atwood
Tony Todd- Reverend Abraham Stockton
Amanda Wyss- Darlene Atwood
Barbara Glover- Mama
Kevin Berman- Tobias

Directed by Brian Pulido
Screenplay by Brian Pulido

Distributed by After Dark Films and Lionsgate Films Home Entertainment

Rated R for bloody violence
Runtime- 88 minutes

Buy it here

Website: http://www.thegravesmovie.com/