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Movies/TV's 3R’s 01.24.12: George Lucas, Gina Carano, Mark Wahlberg, The Artist, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 01.24.2012

Welcome to Week 134 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.

I'm back, and I'm full of rage. The Niners had the chance to represent the Super Bowl in their meaty little hands and literally fumbled it away. Fumbled it away like they didn't want it. SO TICKED OFF. Thankfully, the rest of my night went well - an evening inside a dark room and a bottle of apple cider.

I like to thank Dimitri Dorlis for filling in while I was away. He did a super job, and glad to read that all of you made him feel welcome. U.N.I.T.Y – that's un-ity! (This is me on 4 hours sleep. I do not function well on 4 hours sleep)

Make sure to click the Facebook "Like", Tweet button, and Google +1 links over there to the right of the article! Support 411mania, your home for the best in pop culture entertainment news.

Without any further ado, here is...

  • George Lucas to retire, stop making more Star Wars films: Turns out George Lucas is just as brittle as any other man. Because you – yes, you - scared him off into retirement and away from making another Star Wars film.

    In an interview with the New York Times (via The Guardian), Lucas seemed to take this whole backlash from his aspirations to change the original Star Wars trilogy for the millionth re-release seriously:

    "I'm retiring," Lucas said. "I'm moving away from the business, from the company, from all this kind of stuff." However, he said he would not rule out making a fifth Indiana Jones film before bringing his commercial career to a close. (uh… objection?)

    The 67-year-old film-maker refused to apologise for making changes to his original Star Wars films through the addition of computer-generated imagery which many fans of the movies felt jarred with the more naturalistic look of the trilogy.

    "On the internet, all those same guys that are complaining I made a change are completely changing the movie. I'm saying: 'Fine. But my movie, with my name on it, that says I did it, needs to be the way I want it.'"

    "Why would I make any more," Lucas says, "when everybody yells at you all the time and says what a terrible person you are?" - The Guardian

    "We got him. It's over. It's over! Justice!" *cries* – The Internet

    This is good for several reasons: 1) the blatant commercialization of an iconic franchise can finally stop (maybe), 2) the possibility of George Lucas opening up his creative bank towards other projects not in relation to movies (again, maybe), 3) more unconventional Star Wars stories in form of cartoons, television programs (like the Star Wars-Mad Men dream mash-up found below), etc., and 4) the "nuke the fridge" thing was actually his idea. Wait, what?

    Lucas also addressed widespread disbelief towards a scene in 2008's poorly received fourth Indiana Jones film, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which saw the intrepid archeologist surviving a nuclear bomb test by hiding in a fridge and resulted in the term "nuke the fridge" entering the film-making lexicon as shorthand for a creative blunder.

    The movie's director, Steven Spielberg, said he was responsible for the scene in an interview with Empire magazine last year, but Lucas said his friend was "just trying to protect me". He defended the scene's legitimacy, suggesting that "the odds of surviving that refrigerator – from a lot of scientists – are about 50-50."

    "Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's ever remotely true. Facts, schmacts."

    sterling cooper vader price from Dann Matthews on Vimeo.

  • You know what's back? American Idol. You know who cares? Apparently no one.: The ratings for American Idol's two-part premiere are in, and… ooooo. Declined 24 percent on Wednesday versus last season's premiere, and continued to drop 19% more with Thursday's edition among the important 18-44 year-old demographic. That's no good, dawg.

    Here's how bad it got for Idol: the CBS show Big Bang Theory actually tied the singing competition's first half hour of air time (I hesitate to continue calling it a "singing competition" since what I saw were contestations making a complete mockery of themselves and… I guess there is no problem with the term "singing competition" after all). It won't be long before all CBS programming laps American Idol in the ratings race, and I have yet to determine whether that's completely sad or completely hilarious.

    There are reasons why the show is no longer the young hip trend it once was: Steven Tyler, the show is old, Steven Tyler, Ryan Seacrest will not go away, the winners are not determined by singing talents alone (*gasp*), Steven Tyler, and Steven Tyler's face in HD. The show has been on the downslope for a while, but never to this degree. The whole market for talent shows is now flooded, and that can't be good for the once healthy relationship between Idol and Nielsen ratings.

    So in conclusion, this is all Jennifer Lopez's fault.

  • Gina Carano would make for an excellent Wonder Woman: And not just because she can hurt me and give me a full-blown concussion. Okay, it's because she can hurt me and give me a full-blown concussion. A single thrust of her thumb could be enough to break a man's skill. Just talking about her knocked me down silly. That's the kind of thing Wonder Woman can do, you know.

    Fun fact: you really can fiinsh a blrub frm the comfrt of your own floror.

    Anyway, MMA-star-turned-movie-star Gina Carano told Venture she'd love to play the role of Wonder Woman in a live-action film/my dreams.

    People have suggested you play Wonder Woman.
    I know! We even had a Wonder Woman reference in the film — did you catch it? One of the cops said something to me like, "Oh, chill out, Wonder Woman." And I thought that was so funny. I said to Steven [Soderbergh], "You know there's a little rumor about me and Wonder Woman." And he said mischievously, "Oh, that's interesting."

    This is in junction to her character in Haywire, which she stars as a lethal secret agent who hunts down her betrayers and tortures them by leg scissoring their heads while she's in underwear, probably.

    /buys 6 tickets to consecutive screenings nonetheless

    Nicolas Winding Refn is plotting to do a Wonder Woman film. There are a couple of directors who want to do this one.
    Ooooh! That's very interesting because Drive, that had such a unique style and music, and I was like, "I recognize this from somewhere, but where?" And then later I realized it was Cliff Martinez, who had done the score for like 50 Soderbergh movies. So I was like, "Cool." I was into it. I would definitely be into working with [Refn]. One of my favorite superhero movies is Hancock — did you see it? If they could do a superhero movie in a more realistic fashion where you could actually believe in it, I would be up for that. It could still be playful, but that's what I'm representing — the fighting would be real. More than anything, I would want Wonder Woman to be believable, you know? - Vulture

    My vision of Gina Carano as a believable Wonder Woman: beats up other girls, cage fight scenes, love scenes that end with "Kiss me or I'll break your arm". Fin. Sequence can be done in any order. Step 3: profit.

  • Why SOPA Sponsors Are Dumb: An Eulogy by Jon Stewart: Jon Stewart is a masterful news teller. His most recent tirade on SOPA and their sponsors is a wonderful endorsement of such endeavor. Watch as he loads his criticism gun and shoots it point blank at those in Congress who have no earthly idea what their bill is supposed to do.

    PS: frivolous use of the word "nerd" is not helping your case, Congress.

  • This dog-sung "Imperial March" commercial wins "Best Anything Ever" award : Just as the title says, this is a commercial where dogs called each other the night before and agreed to bark "Imperial March" for the benefit of everyone's amusement. What's interesting about this commercial – besides the whole "Empire Barks Back" monologue – is the absence of hard-on advertisement. It never mentions itself as a car commercial and we're only given the date "February 5", which is Super Bowl Sunday. Is this a science experiment to see if people would buy a Volkswagon if only shown a showcase of puppies and dogs barking to Star Wars references?


  • The Expendables 2 is rated PG-13 thanks to Chuck Norris: This sounds like a set-up to another Chuck Norris fact ("Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a R-rated movie down to PG-13" – I give it 2 out of 5 stars) but turns out this really did happen. Maybe we've become too enamored with the way Chuck Norris is portrayed on the Internet but we can be a blind bunch when something of real life implications happen. In this case, real life Chuck Norris was not cool with Expendable 2 being all rated R and stuff, so he demanded it to be changed to rated-R's pubertal cousin, PG-13. Here's the translated quote from a foreign interview:

    "In Expendables 2, there was a lot of vulgar dialogue in the screenplay. For this reason, many young people wouldn't be able to watch this. But I don't play in movies like this. Due to that I said I won't be a part of that if the hardcore language is not erased. Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be classified in the category of PG-13."- Kazeta

    What I wouldn't give for Vince McMahon to "ring the bell, ring the damn bell" and award Expendables 2 back to its previous rating. It's just a shame children will no longer be able to digest all the naughty words in conjunction with the insane violence.

    Sylvester Stallone later confirmed the news:

    "The PG13 rumor is true," Stallone said, "but before your readers pass judgement (oops), trust me when I say this film is LARGE in every way and delivers on every level. This movie touches on many emotions which we want to share with the broadest audience possible, BUT, fear not, this Barbeque of Grand scale Ass Bashing will not leave anyone hungry." - Ain't It Cool News

    I'm calling it right now: Barbeque of Grand Scale Ass Bashing > Expendables 2.

    I don't know. So much fess was given to the fact that the first Expendables movie was rated R, and it was superb. Now that Chuck Norris' chest hair got in the way, Expendables 2 can no longer have naughty words ("Remember what the MPAA says: horrific, deplorable violence is okay, so long as nobody says any naughty words!") or the full name Jean-Claude Van ***** in the credits. That's a no-no. All for the sake of sharing their blood soaked movie dream to the children.

  • "Mark Wahlberg could have stopped 9/11 if he was on that plane," says Mark Wahlberg: Here's the thing about Mark Wahlberg: he's hardcore nuts, or maybe he's just a curious case of a person who makes very poor choices. After you read his most recent interview to which he implied he could stop 9/11 from happening, maybe you'll agree more towards the former.

    In a new interview with Men's Journal, Wahlberg says that world history would have been different had he not made a fortuitous decision to fly to Toronto a week early and thus avoid boarding one of the planes out of Boston that crashed into the World Trade Center on September 11th.

    "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did," he tells the magazine. "There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.'"

    Wahlberg has spoken before of the near-miss, and the action he would have taken had he been on the flight.

    "We certainly would have tried to do something to fight," he said in 2006. "I've had probably over 50 dreams about it."

    To his credit, Wahlberg is in impeccable shape. Part of what makes him stand out as an action star is his willingness to put himself on the line for a scene. (Is it me or did the Huffington Post just partially agree to the statement: "Mark Wahlberg could have stopped 9/11"?) - Huffington Post

    This is how the whole interview went: 9/11 -> action star in "impeccable shape" (which the Huffington Post made sure to point out because they believe he could have taken down those pesky terrorists?") -> screen wipe to Contraband -> derp. He would later issue an apology but really, apologizes nowadays are blank announcements given by publicists.

    9/11 is a sensitive subject? Can you believe it? Marky Mark can't!

  • Cubes thinks Dallas Mavericks games are an ideal setting to film the Kardashians for their reality program: I used to hate those pesky Dallas Mavericks. This was during a time where the Sacramento Kings were running wild across the league – to their credit, they still are. Not to their credit, it's more towards the loss column – and both teams saw each other as natural rivals. Years of the Kings trolling losses has softened my hard stance on the Mavericks to the point where I was happy to see them hoist the championship trophy from a year ago. But the personal animosity I once had might come rushing back, all because Mark Cuban thinks Dallas Mavericks games make for perfect Keeping Up with the Kardashians fodder.

    Let's take time out from that game winning bucket for this shot of Khloe twiddling her thumbs and texting on her Blackberry.

  • Hazel "Vaginal Deuce" Jones receives, declines $1 million porn offer: I like to point this out: the story is not ridiculous because of how a 27-year-old British woman with two vaginas received and later turned down a million dollar porn offer. The story is ridiculous because it involves a 27-year-old British woman with two vaginas (How will anyone explain this to Joseph now?! Poor little guy. His whole world would be turned upside down should be catch this bit of reality.) The "million-dollar porn offer" happens to be the side dish. I also want to point out how "Vaginal Deuce" would make for a great movie title.

    "Hello there, little missy. Did someone order a hot pizza with select toppings of pepperoni and boner? Thank you. That will be $10.77. Have a nice day."

    /imagines how all porn movies are done

    A woman with two vaginas who has captured the attention of the porn industry has said she would never consider accepting any role in a film.

    Hazel Jones appeared on TV earlier this week, where she revealed she was diagnosed with 'uterus didelphys' - a condition which means she has two wombs and two cervixes.

    The 27-year-old has since been approached by Vivid Entertainment, a U.S. adult film production company.

    But the horrified blonde, from High Wycombe, claims she would turned down any deal.

    According to This Morning, she said: 'I have never received any offers of this kind of work nor would I never consider doing it in a million years.

    'I just want to be left alone.' - Website

    "I just want to be left alone" says the woman who goes on television to talk about her two rattlesnake canyons.

    What's even more ridiculous is apparently her two vaginas (vag^2 in math talk) are available on YouTube, free of charge. Honestly, not that appealing to me unless TLC wants to give them their own reality show. Have them throw birthday parties and gift baskets with coupons – free for one surgical abnormality (limit one per customer). Until then, have fun with those videos and tell me how they were. Because you know you want to.

  • This is Beavis and Butthead, in real life form: The following JPEG shows us what silicone sculptures of Beavis and Butthead would look like and HOLY MOTHER OF RETRO NIGHTMARE KILL IT WITH FIRE.

    The sculptures were done by special effects artist Kevin Kirkpatrick. So he would be the name you'd want to remember for your next trip to chronic nightmare therapy.

    For more horrifying pictures, go here. Proceed with caution.

  • People demanded refund because The Artist was a silent movie: This is nothing new. The "people demand refunds for movies they deemed horrible" I mean. You go the movie theater, roll the dice with a unaccustomed film in hopes of savvy entertainment, and walk away feeling like you've been just mugged. If a woman can sue the makers of Drive for not being Fast and Furious-ee enough, you can sue for probably much anything in accordance to your distaste.

    But this one's new – demanding a refund because a film turned out to be a silent black-and-white film? You mean those movie pictures where people's lips move and no words come out, and the whole thing is explained by words on picture cards, which are the beta-version of subtitles? "Yes, that's right," I say to no one in particular. This might be the only time where the punters of Odeon Liverpool One and 3R's resident The Great Capt. Smooth will have something in common.

    A cinema in Liverpool has been forced to offer refunds after filmgoers complained that they had not realised the movie was silent and in black and white.

    A spokesperson for Odeon Liverpool One confirmed to the Daily Telegraph that the first award-winning silent film in more than 90 years had not been to everybody's taste. There were also suggestions that cinemagoers felt short-changed by the movie's reduced screen size, intended as a tribute to the look of silent films from the early part of the 20th century.

    "Odeon Liverpool One can confirm it has issued a small number of refunds to guests who were unaware that The Artist was a silent film," said the spokesperson. "The cinema is happy to offer guests a refund on their film choice if they raise concern with a member of staff within 10 minutes of the film starting." - The Guardian

    My theory is either people like to complain or British folks are easily frightened by facial expressions. In either case, some people are plain wacky.

  • Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week

    The question "Can bunnies eat bananas?" is a question of great complexity. So I engine searched it and found out, yes, bunnies can very well eat bananas. Then I remembered the time I watched Monty Python and it suddenly all made sense.

    This is a bunny. The bunny is being baby-fed a banana. Your argument is invalid.

    Dark Knight selling out already? I dont understand the people that have to see something opening night. The lines, the waiting, the over crowded hot, stuffy, stank theater, the sweaty guys taking the arm rest...no thanks. Give it a week. - Posted By: APrince66 (Guest)

    Add "parents bringing their babies/kids to an R-rated movie". Note to parents: leave you kids at home during prime time theater hours!

    Flip coin: once the movie starts, the atmosphere can be amazing. It's you, your inner circle of friends, and a bunch of strangers you feel you have a common connection with watching the latest masterpiece from Hollywood's barn hole on opening night. That feeling you get when you listen to Samuel Jackson's famous line from Snakes on a Plane with a room full of people, followed by a thunderous standing ovation? Not duplicable at home.

    Last word: Still ticked off. I hate football. *buys more apple cider*




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