A Fool's Utopia 1.26.12: Being Lindsay Lohan

Posted by Ron Martin on 01.26.2012

This week in one man's utopia we ask if the acting career of Lindsay Lohan is over, talk Psycho II, Dungeons and Dragons -- the cartoon and thoughts on the new series Alcatraz.

Back in 2007, when I first started this column, I spent the summer making fun of the three headed monster that dominated daily headlines; Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. At the time, Spears was batshit insane, shaving her head and attacking people with umbrellas. Hilton was at her most annoying, doing anything to stay in front of the camera -- with or without her clothes. Lohan seemed to be bringing up the rear, being just crazy and drug induced enough to keep up with the others. Since then, Britney has cleaned up her act, lost weight, had a hit record and mostly stays out of the tabloids. Hilton did a couple of movies, got off TV and has straightened out with a slip up here and there. Lohan? She went the total opposite direction. Her tabloid life has been full of crazy rants, drug induced adventures, jail, drunk driving and Playboy spreads. I don't think it's any coincidence that 2007 was the last time Lindsay Lohan did any acting that mattered.



Earlier this week a friend of mine who keeps up with the music business told me Lohan was battling Megan Fox for the role of Elizabeth Taylor in a Taylor bio-pic. Though usually credible I told him to stop joking with me. A little bit of research on the internet (isn't that how we all research these days?) told me he was telling the truth.


Really? I thought. They couldn't get anyone else? Megan Fox's failures as an actress are well documented. You need look no further than her episode of Saturday Night Live to see Lorne Michaels use her basically as a prop in most skits to know about her acting abilities. However, I understand why her name is thrown about. She's a name; she's hot and Elizabeth Taylor was hot. Lohan threw me for a loop though. I mean, didn't she just get tossed from a porn star bio-pic because she couldn't even get insured.



Unlike Spears, whom the music industry decided they were going to make into a star regardless of whether or not she could sing, and Hilton whose famous because her family has a lot of money, Lindsay Lohan had talent. She was a Disney kid who has a bright future ahead of her. With all her shenanigans, can Lohan even return to a real role? While talented, Lohan isn't good enough to make you forget it's Lindsay Lohan on your screen. The best actors, no matter how famous they are can make you forget them and become invested in the character. Thus, Johnny Depp becomes Jack Sparrow and Jeff Bridges becomes The Dude. Lohan has transcended that. There's not a role she can be in at this point where you're not going to movie theater to gawk at Lindsay Lohan on the bigscreen.


Look at her last major starring role, from 2007, a dual role in the flick I Know Who Killed Me. It never had a chance. Critics and fans alike showed up at the movie in order to see the freak show that was Lohan trying to act. The character didn't matter. The story didn't matter. I don't remember who wrote it, but the 411mania reviewer of the movie gave it a ten out of ten. Not because it was good, mind you. I specifically remember him saying in the review than he couldn't not give something that made him laugh this hard a ten.


That's pretty much what Lohan's career has become -- the freakshow that makes people laugh. Her Playboy spread last year showed that she is still a beautiful woman, but her antics have made her bigger than the screen. No serious director would hire her at this point. The only roles I can see her getting are for projects that are in danger and need that Lohan freakshow factor to try to drum up some interest. Other than professional tabloid superstar, as of right now, it looks like Lindsay Lohan's acting career is over.






The RETURN OF It Came From the $5 Bin!






Psycho II


I ventured to my local gas station in search of a cola beverage to mix with my Crown Royal Black and what did I see? A DVD containing Psycho II, Psycho III andPsycho IV in a combo pack for $6! What a find. Psycho II is a sequel that takes place 23 years after the original. Even with Anthony Perkins reprising his role of Norman Bates,this has to suck hardcore, right?


The storyline takes place 22 years after the original with Norman being released from his mental institution, despite the protests of Lila Loomis, sister of Marion Crane (Vera Miles reprising her role from the original). Norman takes up with a young girl named Mary (Meg Tilly) who quickly moves in with him, despite their being "just friends." It's not long before Norman starts seeing "Mother" again and getting strange phone calls from her. It's not long before murders start to happen again, including the former manager of the Bates Motel whom Norman fired, your friend and mine, Dennis Franz. The phone calls and sightings are explained, but Norman insist he is getting calls from his real mother, not Mrs. Bates. As Norman falls deeper into insanity, the storyline grow more complex and there is a nice twist ending.



I didn't get as in depth with the plot as I normally do because for once, I didn't want to spoil the ending. This is a good film -- especially for being a sequel 23 years after the original. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't have the "it" factor that Hitchcock added to his films, but director Richard Franklin was a student of Hitchcock's and it shows. Perkins brings the quirkiness to Norman Bates that we'd expect and Meg Tilly holds her own - and gets naked, so what more could you ask for.


As I said, the storyline gets complex, but not so hard that it can't be followed. It keeps you guessing throughout the film. While it tries to invoke the atmosphere of the first film, the slasher mentality that dominated the early 80s is represented. Some of the kills are a bit more gruesome and there's a completely unnecessary scene where two teens sneak into the house to have sex and do drugs. It adds nothing to the plot other than body count and these ‘80s slasher' scenes have the habit of taking you right out of the film. Other than that, this is a pretty solid film. I surprisingly recommend it. 4/5






FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS



SPORTS THOUGHTS:


a. Can't say I'm super stoked about the Super Bowl. My hatred of the Patriots is well known. Though I think it will be a good game, I don't see the Pats losing to the Giants again. The good news is I'll have called the winner correctly. Every season I pick the Pats to win the Super Bowl because if any other team wins, I'm happy -- but if the Pats win, at least I called it correctly. Don't know if I'll watch the game. I have a habit of not watching Patriot games. I didn't watch the last time they played the Giants, but I might watch just because it's in The Drum.


b. I feel for Billy Cundiff whiffing the 32 yarder that would have sen the game into overtime. I can't see how the Ravens keep him on next year. Perhaps more important than the whiff was the fact the Ravens had to go for it on 4th and 6 a few minutes earlier because they couldn't trust Cundiff to kick a 50 yarder. That, I think, more than the missed 32 yarder will cost him his job.


c. The NFL hates Matt Stafford. Eli Manning isn't eligible for the Pro Bowl, so they stick Cam Newton in his NFC spot. Newton had a great season, but Stafford threw for 5,000 yards and 41 TDs. What more does a guy have to do?




2. I checked out the first few episodes of Alcatraz this week. I'm not one to flock to something just because JJ Abrams is attached to it. I thought this was a cool concept. I've always liked the mythology surrounding Alcatraz. I saw the premiere that was actually just two episodes and I didn't hate it. I didn't love it nearly as much as I wanted to either. Some of the dialogue is stilted. I'm not sold on Sarah Jones as a lead and it's amazing how these guys can time travel 50 years and have no problem whatsoever adjusting. Another thing I don't quite get is the fact that if the main's grandfather was an inmate who came back and caused her partner to die -- why aren't they chasing after that guy? The other two guys starting killing right away, part of it for someone else. Why aren't they worried this lady's grandfather is going to start killing? I've not given this show the death sentence just yet. I'll give it a few more episodes and we'll see how things work out.



3. I'm curious. If Jon Stewart decided to run for President, could he gain any substantial ground? The guy knows what he's talking about politically. He can stand toe to toe with any candidate. Young voters usually sway elections and he would most certainly have the young vote. The question really is would anyone take him seriously?


4. I see the layoffs didn't change anything for NBC. Parks and Recreation is still hitting homeruns every single week while The Office continues to suck. I will say this an bout The Office -- I actually like the dynamics of the office better without Pam. I think I've just completely soured on the Jim and Pam characters. That might be why I have been finding myself drawn to Gabe. As the newest member of the office, he's still interesting to me. I'd even like to explore his horror loving side a little more. Probably because I'm a horror lover as well.


Parks and Rec continues its insane run of guest stars by casting Paul Rudd as Leslie's competition in her campaign for City Council. I liked the fact that Bobby Newport is a petulant brat and not a top notch shady politician. It is way more entertaining. Adventure Andy and April or Ron go on whether it's the A story, the B story or the Z story is going to entertain. Chris Pratt has done so much with what I thought was a throwaway character, it's amazing. I do fear the writing team has no idea what to do with Ann, so she's kind of stuck in limbo. I hope that's not the case because Rashida Jones is too talented an actress to just waste.





5.Okay, let's add to the list of chicks I would rather bang than Men's Health's sexiest woman who ever lived, Jennifer Anniston.



I was actually thinking of this when I was watching Meg Tilly in Psycho II. I was up in the air until the very brief nude scene -- then I was sold. At least sold on Meg Tilly 1983. We can add to that her sister, Jennifer Tilly, because I've had a crush on her since I was a little boy. Add to that Lindsey Lohan because in spite of her insanity, she has a way about her that I just like. And you know what -- we're going to throw Rashida Jones in there as well. I've always had a little crush on her since her days as Karen on The Office.






Our list as of today:


Brandi from Storage Wars
Megyn Price
Miss USA 2011, Alyssa Campanella
Rosa Mendes
Lee Meriwether
Julie Newmar
Meg Tilly
Jennifer Tilly
Lindsey Lohan
Rashida Jones




USELESS TRIVIA and SHAMELESS PLUGGING


Last Week's USELESS TRIVIA



An easy one this week – If Tom Brady makes it to the Super Bowl this season, it will be his fifth appearance. What other quarterbacks have five Super Bowl appearances?


ANSWER: John Elway. He led the Broncos to five Super Bowls, winning the last two. While the Cowboys went to five Super Bowls during the Roger Staubach era, Staubach didn't appear in the first of the five. Big ups to COBY and BUNDY for getting that one right. Coby came back late in the week to correct his original answer.



This week's USELESS TRIVIA


Which "cabin" does the infamous murder scene from the original Psycho take place?


SHAMELESS PLUGGING


Check out Ask 411 Music this week as I talk about whatever I damn well please. We need questions, people.





THIS WEEK IN RETRO




I've mentioned Dungeons and Dragons in passing before. When I say Dungeons and Dragons, I don't mean the roleplaying game. In case you didn't watch the clip (and why didn't you? I worked hard finding that clip and embedding it into this column), I'm talking the Saturday Morning cartoon that aired on CBS from 1983-1985.


Yes, Dungeons and Dragons was popular enough to have its own cartoon. The premise is six kids (I can't say teenagers because one of them is 7) go on this Dungeons and Dragons dark ride. Somehow, the ride magically transports them to some far away land where an old guy named The Dungeon Master transforms them into character types from the Dungeons and Dragons game. One is a wizard, another an archer, another a ranger and so forth. This all happens during the opening credits. If you think there's more to the story that would be explained in the first episode, you're wrong.


Nope, the first episode starts where the credits end, with our heroes fighting a five headed dragon. No explanation as to why the ride magically transported them here - just a five headed dragon, then they have to go find Merlin. Even though this is the first episode, the kids act as if they had been in this world for years. Strange way to start a series.




You may recognize some of the voice actors. Willie Aames provides the voice for the main hero. Don "Ralph Malph" Most is the token "smartass" and "selfish" hero. Even the little kid from Eight is Enough gets in on the action. Voiceover legend Frank Welker does what he does best -- voice animals. In this case, it's a baby unicorn creatively named Uni.


The show really isn't that great, but it was standard fare for Saturday mornings back in the day. I got the first nine episodes for $3 if that's any indication of how little the show is valued. The show lasted three seasons, but only 27 episodes. I vaguely remember this show as I was pretty young when it came out. I always thought there was a reason why the ride transported them to another realm, but that's what I get for thinking.

23 Years Ago Today

#1 Single





"Two Hearts" by Phil Collins



#1 Album




Don't Be Cruel by Bobby Brown




#1 Movie






Rain Main




I must leave you now.