Movies/TV's 3R’s 01.31.12: Hangover 3, Terminator 5, The Office, Kim Kardashian, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 01.31.2012
From the awesome fan-made Dark Knight Rises opening and the fancy Avengers 3D glasses to Terminator 5 going rated-R, the Game of Thrones Season 2 trailer, and more, R's breaks down the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous from the week in Movies/TV!
Welcome to Week 135 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.
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Without any further ado, here is...
Cooper, Galifianakis, and Helms receiving $15 million each for Hangover 3: Heh. Thought you would see this much lower down the column, didn't you? After all, Hangover 2 left much to be desired, and by that, I mean it left much to be desired. It's this sort of repetitive philosophy – it would be best to just determine what jokes were not rehashed from the first one. I counted, like, 3 of them - that made Hangover 2 bank at the box office, and now about to make bank for the Wolfpack as they prepare for a third installment by grabbing million dollar bills in Todd Phillips' air money machine.
Dealmaking on the studio's third installment in the raunchy comedy franchise is wrapping up after dragging on for months due in part to the salary demands of its three stars. Sources close to the negotiations say Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms are asking for $15 million each (against backend) to reprise their roles, and they now are likely to get it.
That's a big raise from 2009's The Hangover, which was made for about $35 million and paid the headliners under $1 million each (Cooper made the most because he had the biggest name recognition at the time). When the R-rated bachelor-party comedy unexpectedly grossed $467 million worldwide, the studio found itself without talent deals for a sequel. Negotiations were heated for The Hangover Part II, released last May, with the three principals each scoring around $5 million, according to a source, plus back-end compensation that raised their haul into the mid-teens (and counting) when the movie grossed $581 million worldwide. - The Hollywood Reporter
Now to tell you why this is Right:
- Good for them. For a franchise that's one giant cash grab, it's nice to see the main actors paid as the franchise headliners that they are. At least for everyone not named Justin Bartha. *puts nickel found on floor into piggy bank*
- If a Hangover 3 is going to be made, then the studio might as well make it rain for their already established cast. Even they realize that these movies only work if the main stars are present. No original cast = Problem Child 3 all over again.
That's it. The only – and I do mean only - positive consequences for a third Hangover are: the main players will get their cash and the main players will be in the third movie. BOY, I sure can't wait to see what those crazy kids and their special guest cameo friends do next.
Judging by Season 2 trailer, Game of Thrones promises to be as Game of Thrones-ee as before: Sure, I could go over what's in the "Shadow" tease trailer of Game of Thrones but why would I need to when you have it right here in all of its majestic glory. Okay, one snippet: King Joffrey is a royal douche.
Okay, one more snippet: where's the blood and sex at? They must be saving it for the Season 2 premiere.
Game of Thrones returns on April 1st.
Terminator 5 is what God and James Cameron intends it to be – Rated R… for pirates, f**k you: Those are the words from Twitter handle@meganeellison, which if anything is a good start. I mean, a fifth Terminator movie is slightly beyond dead horse beating at this point but here are the reasons why it needs to be done: Arnold Schwarzenegger's return, more violent robot bloodbaths, repeat reason one. Even Chuck Norris has to understand why this film needs the Flux Capacitor of all movie ratings.
In order for there to be a perfectly acceptable fifth installment of Terminator, we will need to put our trust in Justin Lin's hands and hope he doesn't drive it off a cliff. But if he's good enough for God and James Cameron ("Hey, aren't they the same person?" – James Cameron), then he should be good enough for everyone. We can only hope.
"Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock May Tour Together" might be best potential headline ever: This whole Chris Rock & Dave Chappelle comedy tour thing that Chris Rock wants to make happen? I‘m going to sum it up the best way I possibly can - with a quote, a picture, and a whole mess of Santa cookies.
During a chat with Vulture about his movie 2 Days In New York (which will run in full on Thursday), Rock briefly talked about to us about his upcoming projects, and while he didn't have much to say about his role in the omnibus comedy What To Expect When You're Expecting ("Yeah, that's coming out"), he's pretty excited to go out on tour. "I've been talking to Chappelle a lot. Been trying to get Chappelle to go on tour," he told us. Those reports had surfaced briefly in October, but we'd heard nothing since then; is Rock really going to make this a reality? "You know I'm not the hard one," he said, laughing. "But I'm trying to make that happen. After seeing Kanye and Jay-Z, I was like, 'Me and Dave should do this.' - Vulture
One for the Money opened to 0% tomato ratings; now up to 3% (according to suspect math, that's a 3000% increase): I don't know why I want Katherine Heigl to fail. Maybe it's schadenfreude; maybe it's because - in the wise words of Bender – "everybody's doing it, I just wanted to be popular". I just do, and I don't feel bad about it one bit. Yet when I see the giant distinction between "those with exquisite tastes" (97% of critics) and "those who like Katherine Heigl" (68% of the audience liked it) on the title's main page, then I worry and weep for the future.
I can sit here - keyboard on lap, water bottle filled with cranberry juice at the ready - and explain just how truly awful movies starring Katherine Heigl are, but there is always that large group of devoted fans who will forever watch whatever action wrapped Lifetime movie she's in. Awful moves not unlike Liam Neeson in The Grey - tops in the box office and tops in your heart. In this one, Neeson plays a bad ass, but this time, he hunts and arm wrestles down wolves in what is probably the most Liam Neeson movie ever.
If I had to choose between One for the Money, and the combination of The Grey and a jar full of poisonous suppositories with spider eggs… why of course the choice is totally clear cut.
This fan-made Dark Knight Rises opening credit sequences is quite amazing: We can debate about the use of opening titles in movies. We can debate the reasons why Christopher Nolan doesn't use them or how this particular style doesn't fit within the establishment of his first two films. We can debate why Bane needs to cover the newspapers with ice or about the homage to Se7en. Whatever the case may be, we should take this video to a deserted island and judge it there, far away from its deep Hollywood roots. Away from the thoughts of CSI: Gotham that keeps recurring in my head.
If I were to judge it within a secluded bubble, then I say awesome. Otherwise… nope, still awesome.
Credit: Doğan Can Gündoğdu'
Kim Kardashian's tearful moment is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb: On table #1, we have Kim Kardashian's Operation Public Damage Control very real tearful display over the marital loss of Kris Humphries aka history's greatest monster. On table #2, we have This Means War, a movie where Ton Hardy and Chris Pine supposedly fight over the same girl. That girl happens to be Reese Witherspoon. I'll leave you to decide which table has the phoniest phony that ever phonied.
In a Sims 3 world, -1 husband and -1 marriage would float over Kim's head while she stands ankle deep in her own puddle of crocodile tears. Not to worry - one "Control+Shift+C" and "Familyfunds (lastname) $$$$" code later, she's up to her boots in Lifetime Happiness points, wind chimes, and several diamond encrusted foot message chairs.
Anyway, the following sob story is from the Mensa-approved reality program Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Man, what a charade this turned out to be. She's clearly trying to win back the public's trust (and her image) by emotionally opening up to her fans about: the wedding, Kris Humphries, the gifts she cashed in from her alleged fake wedding to buy luxuries for herself while the economy continues to suffer through its worst crisis in American history. Well, maybe she didn't talk about the last one but I assume for tearful reality moments, 2 out of 3 still isn't bad.
"Now I really want to find out what happens next" is what I would say if I had any desire to watch Kourtney and Kim Take Hurr Derp. Who watches this show? Seriously if you watch this show, then I will dig up all million copies of Atari's E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial and force you to play every single copy twice.
The Office Spin-Off showcase!: First up, a gritty farm comedy starring Dunder Mifflin's beloved Salesman Dwight Schrute. Keep at least one eye open because his best friends, Jim and Pam, just might pop in to wish him luck. Let us wish him luck too. Good luck, Dwight!
I hear that NBC is working on an Office spinoff starring Rainn Wilson for a potential midseason 2013 launch. No deals have been closed yet but I've learned that the proposed spinoff is a family comedy, which was the brainchild of Wilson and The Office executive producer/showrunner Paul Lieberstein. It will have Dwight (Wilson) living at the Schrute family beet farm and bed & breakfast, which have been featured on the show several times, including in an episode where Jim and Pam visited Dwight there. The potential spinoff will be introduced in an Office episode later this season set at Schrute Farms. "Paul and Rainn have been joking for years about Dwight's life on the farm, his family and how ill-suited he is to run a B&B," a source close to The Office said. "A while ago, it started to feel like a show to them. NBC agreed, it's been further developed to include multiple generations, many cousins and neighbors. (It is unclear if that would include cousin Mose who has been featured on the show, played by Office alum and Parks & Recreation co-creator Mike Schur.) - Deadline
Yup, this sounds about as terrible as I imagined. The Office will enter its 9th season next year, and most would say that's one or two seasons too many. The shark has jumped. You cannot take the same shark, dress him up with a makeover, and expect people to care (unless the shark is able to walk on the surface with chainsaws for fins [Did you know the Chinese uses shark fins to make shark fin soup? That… that doesn't seem right (parentheses within parentheses within parentheses FTW)] and participate in a comedy tour).
This all sounds very Newhart-ish to me, and nothing Newhart-ish will ever come close to the real thing. Wait, I take that back. A better comparison: Joey. Lesson: not learned. Dwight makes for a better supporting character than someone who should be made into a spinoff unless he just so happens to transformer into love tester machine.
Here's the Ferris Bueller car shill commercial that looks… meh: Ferris Bueller's Day Off? More like Ferris Bueller's Day Meh. Okay, that joke sucked but my point is still somewhat valid. I love nostalgia as much as the next person who loves nostalgia and maybe these custom Power Ranger Hoodies but all of this is just a dark handed attempt to sell you minivans. Also meh: the possible outcome of a Ferris Bueller sequel with a 49-year-old Matthew Broderick. Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2: Prostate Checkup? No thanks.
They did manage to tickle my good side with an abundance of references – some obvious, some subtle. Oh corporate car commercial, why must you make me love you?
These Avengers 3D glasses will be at a premium in addition to the premium cost of a 3D movie ticket : If you are dead set on watching The Avengers in 3D, then you might want to look into these specifically made 3D glasses. Just folk over $5 and whatever common decency you have left.
Five dollars? Get outta here.
Guy Fieri eating forward is bad, Guy Fieri eating backwards is worse: The headline says it all, doesn't it? I don't know where "spend an afternoon with Guy Fieri" would rank on your bullet bucket list but for those of you who can't afford the luxury of spending time with the bleach blonde manchild who fancies his shopping time at the Gap's children's clothing section, Conan is here to offer one situation to make sure the idea is never brought up again.
It's bad enough when people have to stomach Guy Fieri cramming food down his gullet in real time while forever stuck in Super Saiyan mode. But this Conan-produced footage shows us the true horror of what happens when you press "rewind".
You know what's the worst part? I mean, besides the part where food reappears from his giant mouth hole and sees daylight once more?
It's that I can smell it somehow.
I have a feeling Fear Factor's donkey-semen chugging challenge will be…*wait for it*… tough to shallow.: HEY-OOOH *16 minute standing ovation*
When Fear Factor returned to the airwaves, I expected people bathing in bugs. I expected triple diamond splish-splash water obstacles. I expected people to cram down animal-style animal testicles, Guy Fieri-style. All came to fruition, but I would have never expected contestants to pound pints of donkey semen and piss for the chance to win a cash prize of $infinity* dollars.
* - because, realistic, that should be the grand prize if one had to participate in the drinking of donkey semen. Donkey piss is not so bad. I mean, you all have tasted Bud Light before, right? **
** - has never drank Bud Light or any other sort of beer.
Sources involved in the production tell us the stomach-churning stunt was shot last summer -- but NBC honchos were having a tough time swallowing this one as the air date approached.
We're told the challenge involved teams of twins drinking the full glass of donkey semen -- with a glass of urine thrown in for good measure. Contestants had to drain both glasses in order to move on to the next round.
Our sources say NBC execs had multiple pow-wows in the months after the stunt was shot ... but eventually gave FF producers the thumbs up. - TMZ
All jokes aside, EEEWWW donkey splooge. You would think this would cross some kind of line in broadcast decency but apparently NBC executives are way more super cool about it than us casual viewers.
Let's set something straight: there is a chance NBC might not air Community ever again, yet here they have no problems showing people drinking animal ejaculation happy sauce.
Post write-up note: NBC eventually concluded that the stunt was too depraved and decided to pull the plug on the episode after details prematurely leaked all over the net. I guess I can throw out my "NBC turned into a hardcore donkey sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice" joke in favor of, well, everything else NBC does. Oh well, still beats watching an episode of Whitney.
Adventures in Awful Advertisement: Slurp Sabers: You know those Go-Gurt tubes also known as the lazy man's yogurt? In preparation for The Phantom Menace 3-D, Go-Gurt's latest creation is part glow-in-the-dark light saber and part women's diet plan. They're called Slurp Sabers. Slurp Sabers.
NFL players were allowed to tweet during the Pro Bowl: Rephrased: NFL players who participated and played in the Pro Bowl were allowed to tweet from the sidelines during the Pro Bowl. Encouraged even. This hypocrisy done at the expense of ratings would be much more outrageous if anyone cared about, or watched, the Pro Bowl.
(Still upset over what happened last week. Thanks Professor Fumbles.)
Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week
Kitty tap dancing makes for the best kind of tap dancing. Also, cat hilarity.
Carano would be a wonderful wonder woman - Posted By: Guest#3692 (Guest)
Carano would be a terrible wonder woman - Posted By: Guest#7004 (Guest)
Carano would be a terribly wonderful wonder woman - Posted By: Porfirio Diaz (Registered)
Gina Carano would be a wonder woman - Posted By: Dimitri Dorlis (Registered)
So that settles it: Gina Carano would make for an absolutely perfect yet totally abysmal Wonder Woman. Or something. I might as well take Dorlis' simplistic route and call it a day.
Carano would have terribly and wonderfully fucked the 911 terrorists up if she was on he plane. - Posted By: Guest#3438 (Guest)
"Stop being stupid. Gina Carano is nawt a true movie stahhh! She does nawt have the true spirit of WELKER NATION to do such a dauntin' task. MAH VISION TO PREVENT 9/11 IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AR VISION TO PREVENT 9/11. I am the true THE FIGHTAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS." - Mark Wahlberg