A Fool's Utopia 02.02.12: Unspoken Holidays

Posted by Ron Martin on 02.02.2012

This week in one man's utopia we look at some days of the year that aren't officially holidays but should be. Also in this issue, Psycho 3, my experiences as a Super Bowl volunteer, The Super Bowl Shuffle and Super Bowl memories from Super Bowls past -- are you beginning to see a theme?

If you're reading this at a desk at the office -- good for you. I hope I am able to kill half an hour or so of your excrutiatingly slow eight hour day. If you're at the office you probably are also well aware of the six or so holiday days you get a year. I know the number of holidayss varies from office to office, but if you have a job anything like the ones that I've had, you're probably getting six holidays a year; New Years, Memorial Day, Independence Day. Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sound about right? If you're lucky, you might also get Martin Luther King Day, Presidents Day and Columbus Day. Of course, if you work in a restaurant, you get Thanksgiving and Christmas, that's it -- and that's unpaid. I say bully to all that. I don't really know why I used the word "bully" but I'm sticking with it. This is all just to introduce some unofficial holidays that I think should be observed by companies as paid days off.

Super Bowl Sunday



Of course since it will always fall on a Sunday, this holiday will be observed the following Monday. You know and I know and your boss knows that you are going to spend Super Bowl Sunday getting stupid drunk watching two teams that you probably don't give a shit about battle it out for a golden trophy while large companies spring millions of dollars to try to get you to buy their crap. Let's look at this for what it is. 1) There are huge parties 2) Companies wait all year and spend millions in resources on this event 3) There is no larger television event of the year 4) I believe it's the biggest (if not, it's one of the biggest) day for alcohol consumption. If those points don't make a holiday, then I guess I don't know what a holiday is. Instead of making you call in a hangover and use a vacation day, companies should just let you have this one. Am I right?


NCAA First Round Thursday or Friday



The first round of the NCAA tournament has been recorded as the most called in day of the year at most offices. I know just about the entire city staff in my town takes the days off. I know this because I see them during office hours at the local sports bar with their bracket in one hand, a beer in the other and a basket of wings in front of them. There's no question that the first round matchups in the tournament on Thursday and Friday are the most exciting days in sports of the year. I don't even seek out games during the Sweet Sixteen and Final Four rounds. Hell, the only reason I've watched the championship game the last two years is because Butler has been in it. However, if possible, my ass is glued to a barseat to watch the 32 games on Thursday and Friday. As a consolation to the companies, I will allow them to give only Thursday or Friday. The employee must choose in order of seniority, of course. This will be a nice holiday break between New Years and Memorial Day.


Halloween



Your taste may vary, but in my world "the holidays" start September 1. I know traditionalist will argue that "the holidays" consist of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, but we all know the truth. Some would argue that Halloween is for kids. For those who think that, I feel sorry that your life sucks so bad. While Halloween may not be known as a drinking holiday, there'd be no hangover factor, but those with kids would appreciate the extra time. Halloween is the second largest retail holiday of the year. It helps the economy. People have a great time. There's no other holiday that pops up temporary ports to Hell that people can walk through for a nominal fee. Halloween is a big deal and its about time we recognized it.


Black Friday



If the first round of the NCAAs is the top days to play hookie of the year, Black Friday has to be in the top three. At some offices I worked at, they actually had lotteries to see who would get off on Black Friday. A lot of places already give Black Friday off as an extended Thanksgiving weekend, why not make it official all around? I am the king of Black Friday shopping after all the really good deals are gone. I'll never catch a before ten o'clock or while supplies last deal just because I'll never get up that early. However, there are some people that would if they didn't have to work. Why spoil the Thanksgiving weekend by making your employees come in for one day before the weekend?


Swag Day



If you've been reading the column longer than a month, you would know that I have announced December 26 as Swag Day. It's hard enough to get employees to be attentive during December when their mind is lost in gingerbread cookies and finding time to wrap Christmas presents. The day after Christmas? Who do you think is paying attention to what they're typing on a computer when they just got a brand new Xbox 360 or Arkham City for Christmas? Employees are doing as little as possible to get home as quickly as possible to play with their new toys. Most places give a half day on Christmas Eve and Christmas off -- what's one more day?


Am I right?




The RETURN OF It Came From the $5 Bin!



Psycho III

You had to know this one was coming next. I got Psycho II, III and IV in a DVD set -- you think I'm not going to watch them? I tried to stay spoiler free last week with Psycho II because I thought it was worth watching. If you didn't watch it, some of the plot of Psycho III depends upon it, so there may be spoilers in this one. Then again the movie is 25 years old, so I don't feel bad about that.

The events of Psycho III take place just a few weeks after the events of Psycho II and the town is on the hunt for the missing Mrs. Spool. Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) doesn't seem to be a likely culprit to any of the townfolk who seem to protect him like a herd protects their wounded. Mother is back and Norman tries to fight the full on crazy, but is having a hard time of it. Things get worse when a down on her luck Maureen Coyle (Diana Scarwid) checks into the Bates Motel. Maureen physically resembles Marion Crane and is even staying in infamous Cabin One. Norman is weak and Mother knows it. It's not long before Mother attempts to take Maureen's life only to find Maureen in the tub, having cut her wrists. She is saved by Norman/Mother.



There is a subplot surrounding out of town reporter, Tracy Venable (Roberta Maxwell) who is writing an article on whether or not murderers can ever be rehabilitated. She acquires the services of the Bates Motel's newest employee, Duke (Jeff Fahey). Norman starts a romantic relationship with Maureen but can't get Mother to stop killing whores. Norman himself deals with Duke after the latter steals Mother and holds her ransom. The climax comes with the ridiculous death of Maureen and the subsequent attack on Tracy where Tracy belts out a twist to the ending but Norman ends it all by doing the unexpected. It's back to prison for Norman.

Again, the movie was much better than it should have been. I'm beginning to get a Phantasm/Tremors vibe from this series. Each movie is a little worse than the last, but still very entertaining. Perkins takes the seat of director in this film and you can see where Hitchcock pulled back on the quirkiness of the Bates character in the first film, because Perkins doesn't pull back at all. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's noticeable. There's a lot more "80s slasher" scenes in this movie as well. The "show your tits and you die" rule is in effect. There are some inconsistencies such as Maureen slashing her wrists, but then having no bandages or even marks on her wrists the next day. Also, how does a person fall backwards down the stairs but still be standing up enough to pierce the back of their head on an arrow by the time they reach the bottom? Pretty impossible. That being said, again, this isn't a bad movie. it doesn't have the suspense of the first two and the "twist" ending is just shouted out by the reporter at the end, but it's completely watchable. 2.5/5


FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS



1. My service to my hometown is finished. As I figure this is the only time Indianapolis is ever going to be rewarded a Super Bowl, I volunteered for the event. I worked at the NFL Experience Saturday, Sunday and Monday. It was fun. The first day I put vests on little kids before they hopped into THE DRIVE interactive game. The second day I worked at the NFL DRAFT EXPERIENCE for awhile before being rotated over to the Lombardi Trophy. Don't worry, I wasn't guarding it -- there were four armed Indiana State Police Officers for that. The third day I put shoulderpads and helmets on kids so they could run into pads. I know that doesn't sound exciting, but each day was fun in its own way. Everything was incredibly organized and the city of Indianapolis looks awesome. What was amazing to me (especially Saturday) was some people waiting in line for up to two hours for some of this stuff and I never heard a single person complain. I'm not talking the employees, I'm talking the people who paid 25 bucks to get into the event. I didn't see anyone who wasn't having a good time. It's a shame that Indy will never get another Super Bowl simply because rich people want to golf and go to the beach because I really think the city stepped up and is killing it! The only bad part is the Patriots logo is plastered everywhere. They earned their spot, so what are you going to do?

2. Was it just me or did the actual Royal Rumble match really spotlight how much trouble the WWE is having elevating stars? I thought the WWE title tournament last July was terrible with not a worthy champion in the bunch, but then again I don't watch enough to really make a sound call. It seems to me like the only real main eventers are John Cena, Randy Orton and CM Punk. With the right pushes, I guess you can put Big Show and Kane in there at anytime. Triple H and the Undertaker are always choices, but there are part time performers at best. Guys like the Miz, Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio just ring false to me. I just don't think the WWE has gotten behind them enough for me to believe their on the level as the other three. Don't get me wrong, I like those four a hell of a lot more than Cena and especially Orton, but it's just a perception thing. Chris Jericho is the wild card for me in this. I like Jericho but those vignettes that lead to his return made no sense for his character and his promise of changing the world at the Rumble went unfulfilled.

As the Rumble stood, it had a wrestler relegated to Superstars, three tag wrestlers, three "legends," four announcers, a comedy wrestler and a woman. I'm not saying there isn't a place in the Rumble for these types of wrestlers, but this Rumble in particular lacked star power. Chris Jericho, Big Show and Randy Orton were the only viable winners in my mind, even though Sheamus won. Maybe it's just me.

3. I know you're sick of hearing this, but this is the last time I talk about Celebrity Cook Off -- mostly because they doubled up on episodes this Sunday. The only reason I am really bringing it up is because I had a perfect score of calling who was getting eliminated each and every episode. The show really did a horrible job of leading people in the wrong direction. It was really easy. If they mentioned what charity they were playing for, they lost. It was that simple. For example, in the semifinal round, both Joey Fatone and Taylor Dayne mentioned their charities. Coolio and Lou Diamond Phillips did not. Guess who got to the final round. Don't think it wasn't lost on me that the teams so nicely stayed even the entire series as well.
By the way, if two celebrities with questionable cooking abilities can throw together an entire restaurant and menu in the matter of a few hours and get a 23 and 28 out of 30, respectively on the Zagat rating scale, how respected can the Zagat rating scale be?

4. They're really making a Hangover 3? I guess they'll just keep making the same movie over and over until people stop paying to see it. I can't say that I blame them. I saw the first one. That's enough for me.

5. Time to add to our list of women that I would rather bang than Jennifer Anniston. The list isn't stopping until I reach 250, people!

First off, I would like it to be known that while Meg Tilly did use a body double in Psycho II, it was not Jennifer Tilly. Both sisters have gone on record on this.

That being said, there is no one in Psycho III worthy of this honor. However, I have been watching a lot of ESPN lately because of most of their shows broadcasting from Indianapolis, so I feel confident that I would rather bang either Rachel Nichols or Bonnie Bernstein than Jennifer Anniston. Looking at the front page of 411Movies, I'm going to add Jennifer Love Hewitt and her dildo loving ways to this list as well.



MY LIST
1.Brandi from Storage Wars
2. Megyn Price
3. Miss USA 2011, Alyssa Campanella
4. Rosa Mendes
5.Lee Meriwether
6. Julie Newmar
7. Meg Tilly
8. Jennifer Tilly
9. Lindsey Lohan
10. Rashida Jones
11. Rachel Nichols
12. Bonnie Bernstein
13. Jennifer Love Hewitt




USELESS TRIVIA and SHAMELESS PLUGGING


Last Week's USELESS TRIVIA

Which "cabin" does the infamous murder scene from the original Psycho take place?

ANSWER: Marion Crane was murdered in the shower of Cabin One. In Psycho II, Norman avoids using the cabin, but in Psycho III there is an attempted suicide in the very same shower.

This week's USELESS TRIVIA

Two of the ladies on my list of women I'd rather bang than Jennifer Anniston once played a mother/daughter combo in a movie. Who are the women and what was the movie?


SHAMELESS PLUGGING

Over in Ask 411 Music this week, I'll talk about bands using two different names for two different sounds and whether or not the Dixie Chicks have ever been blackballed -- by music industry you sick bastards!





THIS WEEK IN RETRO


Chicago Bears - Superbowl Shuffle by jpdc11

I told you I would put this in the column every single year during Super Bowl week. I did not lie, my friends.

This week, I just want to talk about some Super Bowl memories.

Super Bowl XX - This is the first Super Bowl that I remember. The Colts had only been in Indianapolis for a couple of years at this point, so a lot of folks in Indy were still Bears fans. I remember it being a big deal even though I was still in single digits as far as age goes. I memorized "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and loved it when they gave the Fridge the football to run in a score. I believe this to be the last time I rooted for the Bears, but I would make a lifetime of rooting against the Patriots.



Super Bowl XXI - I knew Phil McConkey dreamed of catching a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl. I thought it to be a foregone conclusion. Near the beginning of the fourth quarter, McConkey caught a pass in the endzone that bounced off Mark Bavaro's fingertips into his awaiting arms. I started to believe in religion.

Super Bowl XXIV - San Fransisco 55, Denver 10. Every Super Bowl I had seen had been a NFC blowout. I thought that's just how things went. We spent two weeks hyping every aspect of the game only to know that the NFC team was going to win a blowout anyways.



Super Bowl XXV - Using the logic I had learned in the last Super Bowl (the NFC team will always blow out the AFC team), I won my first Super Bowl bet. The bet was with the guy who lived in the apartment above me. A case of beer vs. a case of Mountain Dew. He paid up. I am addicted to Mountain Dew until this very day. The fallout from this game included an excellent independent film, Buffalo 66.

Super Bowl XXIX - This was my freshman year in college. I got stoned off my ass before this game. A floormate's mom made a Super Bowl feast for stoners. There were five of us. There were two dozen cupcakes. The cupcakes didn't stand a chance. We showed no mercy. I took a full hit off of a three foot bong names "Sweet Pea." I almost died. I don't remember everything that happened after that.

Super Bowl XXX - This was the first time since I began watching Super Bowls that I didn't watch the Super Bowl. Maybe I had some sour grapes over the AFC Championship game where Jim Harbaugh's Hail Mary pass landed directly in the lap of Aaron Baily and if he had just closed his arms, the Colts would be playing in the Super Bowl. I heard it was a crappy game anyways. The only other times I have missed Super Bowl games was Super Bowl XL where I turned the game off at halftime because it was blatantly obvious the referees weren't going to allow Seattle to upset Pittsburgh and Super Bowl XLII because I didn't want to see New England go undefeated. Trust me, had I watched that game, it would have happened.

Since that's pretty much the cut off for all things RETRO, I'll stop my Super Bowl memories there. Any memorable moments for you guys from Super Bowls past?

23 Years Ago Today

February 2, 1989

#1 Single



"Two Hearts" by Phil Collins


#1 Album



Don't Be Cruel by Bobby Brown



#1 Movie



Rain Main




I must leave you now.