The 411 Movies Top 5 02.10.12: Week 308 - Worst Star Wars Characters

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 02.10.2012

From Jar Jar Binks and Bail Organa to Chancellor Valorum, young Anakin Skywalker, General Grievous and more, the 411 staff ranks their top 5 worst characters in Star Wars history!



Let's not beat around the bush - Jar Jar Binks sucks. As someone with eyes and ears over the age of 10, I'm fully aware of this fact. And with this weekend's 3D re-release of The Phantom Menace, I'm sure we're in for a whole new round of Jar Jar bashing. But, while he is certainly an easy target, is Jar Jar really the worst character in the Star Wars universe? I'm not so sure about that, especially when you factor in the Expanded Universe. A closer inspection of all things Star Wars reveals a number of characters just as aggravating or useless as Jar Jar. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to love about the franchise, but let's not forget there's a lot of space-crap floating around in there, too.


THE TOP 5 WORST STAR WARS CHARACTERS

TREVOR SNYDER

5. Bail Organa
Anyone familiar with Jimmy Smits knows the guy can actually act. So why the hell did Lucas never really give him the chance? Sure, it's not like Smits is the only actor whose talents are wasted in the prequel trilogy (you could say the same about Terrence Stamp and even Liam Neeson), but the problem here is that Organa is so noticeably useless. He seems to have been thrown into these movies only because he's a character we already had some knowledge of, and Lucas was therefore obsessed with making him an actual presence. This is where Lucas' desire to link the two trilogies so much really becomes a problem, as we end up with boring characters like Organa, who serve no real purpose other than to occasionally spout boring, expository political dialogue. That it's a waste of a good actor is the real kicker. You'd think Lucas would have at least tried to give this guy some sort of personality and make him interesting. Then again, this probably is Lucas trying. And that's the scary thing.




4. Fodesinbeed Annodue
The appearance of Fodesinbeed Annodue, the two-headed Pod Racing announcer, in The Phantom Menace is a critical moment in the prequel trilogy. Even more so than the first appearance of Jar Jar, this is the moment where you realize Lucas is no longer interested at all in maintaining the same sort of tone as the original films, and that this has just devolved into total kiddy nonsense. Sure, there were comedic characters before, but Fode and Beed (as they are also known) are such a strange, obvious parody of something from our world – they feel like a character that would appear in a film spoofing movies like Star Wars, something more like Spaceballs. Can you honestly picture them fitting into the original trilogy? With their appearance, Lucas was more or less changing the direction of the series' humor, allowing for later lame characters like Dex the diner cook alien.




3. General Grievous
Alright, let's just go down the list here. First off, there's that name, which – c'mon – sounds like something from a Mad Magazine war spoof. Then there's the visual design of this guy. Yeah, he looks kind of cool, but he also looks like he was designed by a little kid obsessed with robots who was just trying to draw the most bad-ass character he could. Again, take a moment and just try to imagine Grievous showing up in the original trilogy. But, OK, the prequels are their own thing, and maybe I shouldn't rely so much on that critique. Instead, I'll point out the serious design flaw of Grevious, who is not a robot at all, but in fact a living alien turned into a cyborg. I can see the benefits of that when it comes to combat…but not when the cyborg design actually leaves your living organs exposed! And by the way, if you're wondering what's up with that cough, it's because Lucas came to set one day with a cough and decided on the spot it would be funny if Grievous coughed, too. No…really.




2. Itchy, Malla and Lumpy
I'd just like to apologize right now for making everyone remember the Star Wars Holiday Special, surely one of the most horrible things to ever grace the eyes and ears of anyone unfortunate enough to have encountered it. But any time you're talking about Star Wars and the "worst" anything, this special is probably gonna come up. The special focuses on Itchy, Malla and Lumpy, Chewbacca's father, wife and son, respectively. It goes without saying that we didn't really need to know that Chewie has a family, but we sure as heck didn't need to watch them fart around the house for incredibly long sequences with no subtitles or other characters on hand to translate them. And we definitely didn't need to see Itchy strap himself into some sort of fantasy machine, which allows him to see a beautiful human woman singing while he…well, let's not talk about what he was probably doing during that. Now, truthfully, there are even worse characters than Chewie's family in this special, such as Bea Arthur's cantina barmaid or any of the characters Harvey Korman plays. But I'm focusing on these three because, except for Boba Fett, they were the only characters to survive the backlash against this special and actually become an accepted part of Star Wars canon. It almost feels like a threat to me. "Be good, Star Wars fans, or you'll get more of Itchy, Malla and Lumpy."




1. Jaxxon
Ahh, yes, Jaxxon, the smuggling rogue green rabbit from the old Marvel comics Star Wars series. I don't think I really have to say too much about this one, do I? To be fair, Jaxxon came from the minds of writers and artists who probably didn't really "get" Star Wars. George Lucas had nothing to do with the character, and has apparently even made his displeasure with the character known. So he can't really shoulder any of the blame here. That being said, though, I wouldn't have put it past Lucas to create a character like Jaxxon. Would you?

BRYAN KRISTOPOWITZ

5. Prince Xizor- Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire
While I enjoyed Steve Perry's Shadows of the Empire I've always had an issue with Prince Xizor, the head of the Black Sun crime syndicate. I sort of get why he would want to get in good with the Emperor and try to supplant Vader and become the Emperor's new Sith apprentice, but I still find it highly implausible that both Vader and the Emperor would allow Xizor to even think about doing it. I don't give a hooey if he is an alien and all that, I just don't see how he could get within ten feet of even trying to take Vader's spot. He probably should have been some guy that just decided to side with the Empire, the Empire needed him for something, and just left it at that. I could have bought that. Xizor did look pretty cool, though.




4. Grand Admiral Thrawn- Thrawn Trilogy- comics
I loved Thrawn as a character in the novels by Timothy Zahn, but when he appeared in the Dark Horse Comics adaptations of Zahn's novels he suddenly got lame. Instead of being a great military mind, someone for the new Republic to deal with, he was just some blue guy in a uniform that everyone was afraid of for some reason. He just lost all of his power. Sadly, that's what's happened with most of the Expanded Universe characters in the comics for me. They have no power, no oomph. They don't look like or feel like the characters from the movies or, in a way, from the novels. They look like and feel like comic book characters. That isn't supposed to happen with Star Wars.




3. Dex- Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
I'm not against the idea of Dex, the weird beard alien guy Obi-Wan goes to see about the retrieved bounty hunter dart in Attack of the Clones, I'm against the way he's presented in the movie. Why exactly does a 1950's/1960's esque American diner exist in the Star Wars universe? I don't care if the movies are "George Lucas' vision," Dex's diner shouldn't be there. It should look, well, weirder. Why doesn't it look like the cantina in A New Hope, sort of a more urban version of that? Wouldn't that make more sense? I think it would.

And how the hell does Obi-wan know Dex anyway? Has this been explained in any satisfactory way?




2. Zam Wessell- Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
I was pretty dang excited about the idea of two bounty hunters, Jango Fett and someone named Zam Wessell, kicking ass at the start of Attack of the Clones. Practically every promotional thing I saw for the movie right up until its release showed Fett and Wessell together. They must work as a team in the movie or something, I thought. Fett is, well, a Fett (always cool), and Wessell is a woman. We haven't seen that in the Star Wars movie universe before. This is going to rock.

It didn't rock. In fact, Wessell is only at the beginning of the movie, for a very short period of time, and she ends up going out like a punk. What the hell happened? Why didn't she get to do a little more than shoot those centipede worm things through Padme's window, engage in a chase around Coruscant, and then die outside of a bar? Again, what the hell happened? Why didn't she at least get to die out on Kimino? Wouldn't that have been more satisfying? And what's this "shape shifting" bullshit about?




1. Chancellor Valorum- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
I don't blame the great Terrence Stamp for portraying the worst character in the Star Wars universe, as he truly did the best he could with the three minutes of screen time he was given in The Phantom Menace. It's all on Lucas for making a potentially cool and badass (in a dignified way) character, the Chancellor of the Republic, and making him a lame ass. He gets thrown out of office on a dubious vote of no confidence and all he does is sit down and shrug? What kind of bullshit is that? Shouldn't he have at least had a "this is bullshit!" moment where he freaks out on an underling or tells the Senate to go fuck itself? I think he should have. And he probably should have shown up again in Revenge of the Sith as a leader of the burgeoning Rebellion (or how about a scene where Padme tells him that she deeply regrets getting him thrown out? That would have rocked). It's just unconscionable that Terrence Stamp, goddamn General Zod hisself, only gets to do what amounts to a wimpy extended cameo in a Star Wars movie. Total hooey.

JEREMY THOMAS

5. Nute Gunray (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace)
Now, before I get too far into this, you will note that the majority of my characters come from Episode I. This isn't blind hate for that entry and everything associated with it; not at all. Granted, I hate Episode I but I went pretty exhaustively through all the films, TV show and specials, video games and books and I couldn't find anyone worse than these five for my list. So while my hatred may be piled on the first of the films, it's not just a case of "okay, what Phantom Menace characters can I put here?" Anyway, Nute Gunray. What a useless waste of space this guy is. First off, I know people criticize Jar Jar Binks for being a racist stereotype but Nute and his fellow Nemoidians are far worse Japanese caricatures than Jar Jar's vague Rastafarian ways. Plus, Nute is such a terrible villain that he makes all the other characters worse by association, with the exception of Palpatine. Why do the Jedi and company have such a hard time beating this guy? He's a flaming idiot and he should be a cake walk, but instead he's a major threat. That's pathetic, and while all the Nemoidians are highly suspect, Nute's the leader and he gets the lion's share of the blame.




4. Jar Jar Binks (Star Wars Episode I: The Phanton Menace)
Yes, he's the obvious choice. He's also the necessary choice. I mean, look up there at that picture. Tongue lolled out, goofy grin, thumbs up. That right there is a living, breathing, pidgin-speaking symbol of everything that's wrong with Episode I. He's the goofy sidekick character that is supposed to be funny, but anyone with half a brain over the age of eleven hates him. Hell, most kids I know who have seen the movie hate him regardless of age. Lucas likes to say Star Wars is a kids' franchise and that's a debate for another column, but the point is that Jar Jar Binks is universally reviled. However for me, he wouldn't have made this list if not for the need to shove him down our throat through all three movies. Hell, it's established in canon that he's more or less the only non-droid from the first film who is still alive when the Empire is defeated post-Return of the Jedi. It's like the final "fuck you" to fans.


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3. Ziro the Hutt (Star Wars: The Clone Wars)
What's worse than a Gungan who tries and desperately fails to provide comic relief? A cross-dressing Hutt. Ziro the Hutt is proof positive that Lucas has some serious, deep-seeded issues. You may not be familiar with this character if you were one of the many who skipped the Clone Wars CGI movie, which is the biggest cinematic mess Star Wars ever saw. Hell, it makes the Ewok TV movies look great by comparison. The production team had a concept for the character in design and sound and it was a decent idea. Then Lucas stepped in and basically said "He needs to sound gayer." Not in those exact words, but he told them to make the character sound progressively more and more like Truman Capote. With that, his penchant for feathers and showy hats and his appearance obsession, he's commonly viewed as the first flamingly gay Hutt, and an offensive caricature at that. Lucas countered that Hutts are hermaphrodites anyway so the character's sexuality is a non-issue, but what he fails to realize is that he made it an issue by turning a character in his animated film--which he professes is intended "for kids"--into an obvious and blatant stereotype. And Lucas wonders why fans have grown to hate what the franchise became.




2. Uncle Lumpy (The Star Wars Holiday Special)
The Star Wars Holiday Special is legendary in its awfulness, and allow me to say it deserves every insult thrown at it. None deserve it more than Lumpy, though. Let's just start off with the fact that he is a Wookie named Lumpy. That alone is enough to push him toward the list. Now let's add on the fact that his real, full name is Lumpawaroo, which is somehow even stupider than Lumpy. Chewbacca was good at many things, but obviously naming his children wasn't one of them. The character is mind-boggling in its idiocy. At least Ackmena sings a Star Wars song in the Holiday Special and Harvey Korman's character have things to do. Lumpy just sort of sits there like...well, a Lump. Maybe Chewbacca wasn't as bad as naming as I thought; it's an apt description.




1. Ani (Star Wars Episode I: The Phanton Menace)
No, not Anakin Skywalker. There are those who dislike Hayden Christenson's portrayal of Anakin but I think he did well considering what he was working with and I actually quite liked him in Revenge of the Sith. And obviously, he's awesome as Vader. No, I'm talking about Ani, the young Anakin Skywalker in Episode I. This bratty little bastard is such a smear on Star Wars that you just wish he were wiped out of existence. Seriously, is Lucas trying to tell us that the Krayt Dragon in Episode IV needs to be changed to sound like Richard Simmons got kicked in the junk, but he can't digitally insert a different actor in and some new dialogue to make "Ani" suck less? Lucas is just trolling us at this point. And anyone who says that thirteen year-old Padme giving seven year-old Ani "come hither" eyes isn't creepy as hell has some issues. Everything about the kid Ani--acting, writing, plot developments involving and so on--drag down The Phantom Menace and Lucas should have known better than subject his fan base to this.

Agree with our choices? Disagree? Be sure to share your thoughts and your own Top 5's below. And don't forget to include suggestions for future Top 5 columns...we're always looking for the next great list.

Till then, for more of my movies views, check out Night of the Living Trev, my personal movie review page, as well as all the other great reviews and columns here at the Movies section of 411.

See you next week with a brand new topic.