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Movies/TV's 3R’s 02.14.12: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Transformer 4, Zooey Deschanel, Lindsay Lohan, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 02.14.2012

Welcome to Week 137 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.

Make sure to click the Facebook "Like", Tweet button, and Google +1 links over there to the right of the article! Support 411mania, your home for the best in pop culture entertainment news.

Without any further ado, here is...

  • Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter trailer features Honest Abe jumping over fire, Honest Abe violently cropping wood, Honest Abe tossing vampires, Honest Abe…: The long awaited trailer for the Timur Bekmambetov-directed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter hit the Internet today. One word: weeeeeeeeeeeee. If I had one wish, it would be for Lincoln's trademark top hat to be a razor-rimmed à la Kung Lao from Mortal Kombat 2. Will my wish come true? We'll see June 22.

    Now all we need is the ultimate mesh-up story Abraham Lincoln vs. Vampire Batman and I think we're set for life.

  • Cartoons, especially Green Lantern: The Animated Series and Young Justice, on Cartoon Network? Sure, why not: From last week's column:

    Tim and Eric is the worst thing to ever happen to Adult Swim. That show is unwatchable. - Posted By: NeedActualCartoons (Guest)

    I don't know if Tim and Eric are the worst thing to ever happen to Adult Swim but this is the kind of heated discussion that's best saved for the debate team. But your screen name "NeedActualCartoons" makes him believe your prefer the company of actual cartoons. Right? Yes! I broke the code! Give me a promotion! Now I'll shut up while you read awesome news about two actual, two very good superhero cartoons coming back to Cartoon Network next month.

    Cartoon Network, Warner Bros. Animation and DC Entertainment are teaming up to present DC Nation, a full hour of exclusive kids' television programming and shorts based on DC Comics characters. Full of action and humor, DC Nation brings some of the most beloved and legendary heroes — as well as some lesser-known cult favorites — from the pages of DC Comics to the screens of a whole new generation of fans. Anchored by Green Lantern: The Animated Series and Young Justice, DC Nation will premiere Saturday, March 3, at 10 a.m. (ET, PT). - Super Hero Hype

    A friend of mine, short of strapping me to a chair and stapling my eyes open, has been telling me good things about Young Justice - the beautiful animation, the high quality voice work, and the character designs are some of the best on television - but I could never fully commit to it (ladies, that's not a sign. I swear). Same with Green Lantern: The Animated Series (ditto). Perhaps now is the time for Mr. D-V-R to help fix that little problem once and for all.

  • Verdict of weekend's Zooey Deschanel-hosted SNL: Good! (Except for the Karmin parts): Zooey Deschanel has a love-hate relationship with the Internet. Some "Like Buttons" her quirky, adorable, bubbly, sparkly, cheerful, dorky, cutey-wutey personality (example: me). Fun fact: her face is also very pretty. Some don't like her for the exact same reasons (example: also me). Explanation: Zooey can be a fantastic person in short doses (example: not New Girl) but too much of that personality (New Girl) can turn a lot of people off, especially if it is built around an entire television series. It made SNL that much more interesting last week. Which side of her would we see: adorable Zooey or annoying Zooey?

    From what I saw, it was 80% adorable Zooey.

    The show restrained itself from too much obnoxiousness (a win in any book), and it resulted in one of the best SNL episodes this season. For an episode that featured Zooey the Polarizing Figure (tell me you at least liked her as the only non-fast-talker person during the 1940s or I will fight you outside the Internet), "Mitt Romney", dogs, awesome Clint Eastwood parody commercials ("These Mexicans are like my pants…"), and two - count ‘em - two Nicolas Cages, it was a fine good show. Good enough to make me say it was good. Yes, that good.

    As for Karmin, let's just say it's a good thing this isn't the music section.

    (Oh all right, it was bad. BAD. Bad as in "Root canal in my ear" bad.)

  • Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week (Late Night Show Edition): Puppy Conan: LOOK THE PUPPY HAS A CONAN WIG! I <3 PUPPY CONAN! Obviously Puppy Conan is a play-on-words of the Puppy Bowl (Puppy Bowl – Bowl + Conan) and contains so much adorableness that I can't help myself but use caps lock to express the excitement I'm feeling. Also, the best kind of Justin Bieber is a weaver jacket-wearing puppy version of Justin Bieber.

    Basically what I'm saying is if the more-hated celebrities adopted puppy personas, maybe our crappy days would be a little less crappy. Also again, a machine that would turn those hated celebrities into puppies would be ideal. Good bye Kim Kashashian, hello Marshmallow Bark…hashian… Woofhasblahan… Marshmallow. Just Marshmallow.

  • Your 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover Girl is…: Kate Upton!

    *cheap pop*


  • Transformers 4 (aka Whatever, You'll Pay To Go See It F*%k You) will definitely come out 2014… maybe: No. NOOOOOOOO! *explodes*

    With Transformers: Dark of the Moon earning a massive $1.124 billion at the worldwide box office and sitting at No. 4 on the all-time list, a fourth film was to be expected. We've now learned that Paramount Pictures is eyeing a 2014 release date for the next film, though it has not been confirmed whether Michael Bay will be back in the director's chair.

    There's still plenty of dates open in June and July of 2014 if the studio wants to go with a similar release date as the first three movies. The first was released in July of 2007, followed by the second in June of 2009 and the third in June of 2011. - Super Hero Hype

    I don't want to say that I despise the Transformers trilogy. As a pop-the-cherry experience, Transformers 1 is an eloquent piece of movie history – the American Film Institute has already planned a memorial ceremony to induct the film as a cinematic milestone under the title Robots, Bewbs, and More Robots. Transformers 2: bewbs and meh. Transformers 3: woof. But I would even argue the necessary existence of a 3 in order to satisfy Hollywood's trilogy infatuation (plus it also gave us a pretty cool, special effect-y look at one particular scene where the big building falls over, which you can see below). But Transformer 4 is just overkill. Michael Bay directed or not, another Transformers sequel is just… too unnecessary. Ugh.

    Via Topless Robot

    UPDATE: June 29, 2012 is the official release date. Michael Bay said so. Michael Bay, still Transformers directorweight champion. Double ugh.

  • The Phantom Menace (in 3D) proves less menacing at box office this time around: I'm going to give you four movie premieres: The Vow (total rom-com cliché), Safe House (this one has Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds playing detective or something), Journey 2 (*plays The Rock theme music from WWF The Music: Volume 3 CD for 94 minutes*), and Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (in 3D) ("Chill out, Artoo!"). If you had to guess which one of these films would average the lowest grossing total of the weekend, The Phantom Menace would be far from you choice, right?

    *cue sad horn sound*

    The Vow won a record-breaking weekend at the box office. The Channing Tatum/Rachel McAdams film opened to an impressive $41.7 million dollars to take the pre-Valentine's Day box-office crown. The film opened in 2,958 theaters for a $14,097 average and had the second-highest romantic drama opening of all-time, behind only the more action-oriented Pearl Harbor in 2001. The film is sure to be a big success considering the budget was only $30 million.

    Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace finished at #4 in its first weekend of 3D rerelease with $23 million. The film has a total domestic gross of $454.1 million and a worldwide gross of $947.3 million from the original $115 million budget. It is now ranked #5 on the all-time domestic chart, just behind Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope. - 411mania

    The Vow: $41.7 million. Phantom Menace: $23 million. Granted it's not a low number and not exactly a super duper failure I'm probably making it out to be - at least not so much of a failure to cancel the next two (five?) Star Wars films in the third dimension. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope in 3D? George Lucas hates everything and everyone, doesn't he? - but it still got beat out by The Vow and Safe House. That's… ahhh.

    While we deliberate why there is so much wrong in the previous paragraph, the rest of you sane individuals can enjoy this new Episode I trailer titled "Honest Trailers: Phantom Menace 3D". Oh, are you guys in for a treat.

    Via Screen Junkines

    Additional note: APrince66 commented how his 12-year-old has been "dying" to see the new Star Wars 3D version in regards to the awful "kids" trailer posted last week. The dream of a father and child attending a Star Wars film in theater is something I can admire, even if said Star Wars film is like a bastardized version of Ned Flanders. I can only hope the two of you were able to enjoy the experience.

  • Quest for ratings: American Idol uses stage fall as a cliffhanger for the next episode: Do you watch American Idol? (90% of this column's audience: "Oh hellz nah!") Well then let me help bring you up to speed: the last act of last week's episode featured a perfectly charming execution of "(Sittin' Out) The Dock of the Bay" by 16-year-old Symone Black. During a few exchanged words between Black and The Old Age Outlaws (the "older crowd" of Randy "Junkyard Dawg" Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, and the mop-on-a-stick known as Steven Tyler), she became noticeably wearily in both speech and movement. She then collapses and falls off the stage – the result of what can happen when you look directly at Steven Tyler.

    Start around the 3:24 mark

    It would be a scary situation in most cases, but this is also reality television. If there is something reality television loves more than the exploitation of a young girl with a possible health condition, it's the exploitation of a young girl with a possible health condition for big-time ratings. Leave it to the voiceover to express concern by telling us to tune in tomorrow night to find out whether she lives… or dies. (Hint: she's fine) Dallas this is not.

  • R.I.P. Whitney Houston: Obviously the biggest news coming out of the weekend was the death of iconic singer Whitney Houston. She died at the age of 48 at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. The official cause of her death right now is all speculation and no official word has been given.

    Whitney will be remembered largely for her music career (170 million albums and singles sold worldwide, about a total of 415 career awards in her lifetime), for being blessed with one of the purest voices of our generation. But we can't forget about that movie career. The Bodyguard was pretty… uh, oh hey look, The Preacher's Wife. That wasn't too bad, right?

    Either way, I don't want my lasting remembrance to be of her in bathtub water with a system full of Xanax. I want my lasting remembrance to be of moments like this one:

    R.I.P. Whitney.

  • Woody Allen > Lindsay Lohan: Assurance: this picture did not come from Photoshop Central and this picture was not taken from a future far far away or from an alternative timeline. The picture displayed below came from last week's amFAR Gala (an AIDS charity event for the American Foundation for AIDS Research) and features the two randomist celebrity pairings ever: Woody Allen and Lindsay Lohan (with Soon-Yi hanging on the left). Does Woody even know who Lindsay is or where on Earth he is? Does his knowledge of the movie industry extend to "drug-habit starlets"?

    Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan starred in Mean Girls and all was good. That was 8 years ago. Believe it or not, Lohan is 25 today. By those numbers and by this picture, Lohan has aged about 25 years since then. That's… yeesh.

    Via Best Week Ever

    Questions: Is it fair to say all of Lindsay's Mean Girls supporting cast (Rachel McAdams, Lizzy Caplan, Lacey Chabert, and Amanda Seyfried) has exceeded her own career (short answer: "yes" with a "but"), and at what point do we refer Lindsay as a cougar? Yesterday?

  • This week in important Jersey Shore news: But only if you really want to be fronting on the cutting edge of Jersey Shore news:

    - Snooki and JWOWW want a Jersey Shore spinoff. They got it. Then Hoboken, New Jersey said, "No way are you going to film your clap trap in me. No show for you!" The mayor Hoboken refused to grant MTV and 495 Productions (makers of Jersey Shore) a permit for the show to film in public areas of the city. Good for you, New Jersey. Way to stick it to those with fake boobs and orange tans.

    The spinoff will now be held in New Jersey. Eh, what?

    New Jersey's second largest city has issued a permit to producers to film a spinoff of the reality series, featuring Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Jenni "JWoww" Farley. Filming is expected to begin later this month in the city's Grove Street Path neighborhood.

    Police spokesman Edgar Martinez said Thursday the production company in charge of the show will pay for off-duty police officers to provide security and will pay for any additional officers if they are needed. In addition, he said, the production crew won't be taking parking spots from residents but will use pay lots.

    Nearby Hoboken last week denied the show a permit to film, citing safety and quality of life concerns for residents of the city along the Hudson River. - CBS News

    MTV sure is eager to beat this into the ground, aren't they? So much so that China should fear the possibility of dead horses popping out from the ground. BTW, production starts February 17. That sound you just heard was 3R's contributor MBD buying his plane ticket.

    - Snooki and JWOWW have both come out… to say that The Situation is homosexual. Well isn't that special? The Situation has fired back and said something to the degree of "nay I ain't". I have a terrible migraine.

    - Angelina Pivarnick, the kind-of-hot angry one, was asked if she was dating New York Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw. Short answer: no. Silly extended answer: no but "I think he's a hot black." Thanks TMZ, you smuteater.

    - Last one I swear: The Situation wants to put his talents into apps and social games. Apps Genius has signed blah blah blah blah *implodes*.

  • Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week

    Grudge match: monkey vs. dog. Fight!

    wtf is wrong with dredd's helmet LOL it looks so goofy!

    also, you don't go as far as i would with Toddlers & Tiaras. I firmly believe everyone involved in the show, parents and crew alike should be thrown in jail for pedophaelia. - Posted By: Guest#8447 (Guest)

    They might as well. Those kids - when they search through mommy's "Do Not Open" box full of DVDs from the show - are going to grow up hating their parents oh so very much.

    Tim and Eric are really an acquired taste - I love the show, but can still be grossed out by it at times. I love that people had such a strong reaction to the movie - I'm sure that is what they were going for...

    As far as The Office, we are all entitled to our own opinions, and I can see how people might not like it as much anymore. - Posted By: Mario (Guest)

    I should set this straight: I don't hate The Office but I do feel that it has outstayed its welcome. The Office is the last guy remaining at the party but decides to stick around for no apparent reason. But I still welcome your opinions, especially if they differ from mine. I don't mind if arguments spring up just as long as the points are fair and I could make sense of it.

    This column is like a gated community, only I keep leaving the gate unlocked so more people can poke their head through my window and discuss about the world. But don't be pokin' between the hours of 4 and 5. That's Willie's time!

    Episode One commercial geared towards kids who watch the Clone Wars cartoon and have yet to see the movie on the big screen. That's called savvy marketing. - Posted By: wemedge (Guest)

    That is called savvy marketing. Savvy marketing at the expense of whatever childhood memories we have left.

    /hugs TMNT action figures; pogs

    I've seen each of the "new" Star Wars movies twice in packed theaters, and nobody booed, walked out, or yelled at the screen. In fact, each time I saw it, it got enthusiastic cheers. There seems to be a real disconnect with the people who hate it(mostly online I find) and its fans. - Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)

    But the question remains: did you see this new 3D version? Did you throw moldy old melons at the screen and frighten small children in attendance? Please tell me you did.

    Last word: Happy Valentines Days. In honor of this festive (and expensive) holiday, here is a collection of Game of Thrones valentine cards, from me (and Chris Bishop) to you. Just pick one. Any one. My pick would be the second from the top.

    Great Valentine's Day cards or greatest Valentine's Day cards?




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