Movies/TV's 3R’s 02.21.12: The Simpsons, Kate Upton, Jeremy Lin, Lindsay Lohan, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 02.21.2012
From my Top 10 Simpsons episodes and the first clip from The Amazing Spider-Man to Chyna's wrestling-themed porno, and more, 411's Porfirio Diaz breaks down the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous from the week in Movies/TV!
Welcome to Week 138 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.
Words of warning: if you don't like The Simpsons or Kate Upton, then you're not going to like this week's column. Also, I hate you and you deserve to eat this grilled crayon sandwich with thumbtacks. (Nah, I'm just kidding. I love you guys.)
Make sure to click the Facebook "Like", Tweet button, and Google +1 links over there to the right of the article! Support 411mania, your home for the best in pop culture entertainment news.
Without any further ado, here is...
The Simpsons 500th Episode Spectacular: It was only 5 months ago when The Simpsons premiered their historic 23th season and I assembled the top 50 greatest songs during the show's cromulent run on television. But the long-running prime time animated series reached an even bigger milestone when the show reached its 500th episode (At Long Last Leave) last Sunday, a remarkable achievement made more remarkable when considering it's the first sitcom to ever reach the big five-oh-oh. Regardless of how you feel about its current state or the last two-or-three-or-eleven seasons, 500 episodes is still a pretty incredible ribbon award.
As for the episode itself, besides the blazing opening couch montage, there was nothing particular special about it. You had a glimmer of nostalgia (Homer going back-in-time when he talked like this) sprinkled across an unhitched plot with a buzzkill ending. It came across as just another episode mucked in disappointment. One of problems with this latest Simpsons chapter is either the plot moves too quickly for its own good or when the plot does become interesting, they don't have enough time to wrap everything up in a bow (the addition of the third commercial break screws up the pacing more than they care to admit and really is a loathsome extension). Not to say At Long Last Leave was terrible or unfunny; I just wanted more. This is more a celebration of a milestone anyway. When a sitcom reaches a certain checkpoint that no other show has gone before, all levels of criticism seem kind of moot.
Yes, I did get some fresh air after I watched the episode. What's your point?
What else can we say about the series that gave millions around the world reasons to say "sax-a-ma-phone" or "You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel"? Apparently not enough, as the Internet has recently gone into total Simpsons meltdown with thousands upon thousands of uploaded material in tribute to the show's milestone. And I, for one, welcome our new gallery of Simpsons GIFs, as this spot will be used as a commemoration for some of the greatest memories, images, and quotes the greatest show of all-time had to offer. I'll include a few lists along the way as well, because people like lists and lists make people happy. Look at me, I'm making people happy…
What I want: more people jumping out windows for trivial reasons. "Breaking Dawn DVD sold 3.2 million copies? Another Jeremy Lin pun? Ah, ah!" *crash*
Ah, le mot juste. Seriously, this is the best Sideshow Bob quote ever.
My 10 favorite episodes:
10. "Selma's Choice"
9. "Homer the Great"
8. "Cape Feare"
7. "Flaming Moe's"
6. "Mr. Plow"
5. "Treehouse of Horror V" ("The Shinning", "Time and Punishment", "Nightmare Cafeteria")
4. Homer Badman
3. "Lisa's First Word"
2. "Homer at the Bat"
1. "Last Exit To Springfield"
(This was hard. Very hard.)
Don't we all wish we could sleep in a racing car? It's not just me, right?
Dancing arm flailing shotgun-finale Moe is the best Moe
My 10 favorite quotes (that I can think of at the moment):
10. "I know I shouldn't eat Thee. Mmmm… Sacrilicious."
9. "Why must you turn my office into a house of LIES?"
8. "Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I -- I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley."
7. Oh a sarcasm detector? That's a real useful invention. *explodes*
6. "Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion."
5. "Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich."
4. "Bonjourrrrrrrrrrr. You cheese eating surrender monkeys."
3. "No one who speaks German can be an evil man."
2. "Don't you hate pants?!"
1. "Me fail English? That's unpossible."
"I love you, Homey. Hmm... Heh heh heh. I don't need her at all anymore."
I always say this line whenever I come across a globe. Always.
Love it. Love everything about this.
My 10 favorite supporting characters:
10. Krusty the Clown
9. Mr. Burns
8. Ned Flanders
7. Sideshow Bob
6. Comic Book Guy
5. Grandpa Simpson
4. Troy McClure
3. Ralph Wiggum
2. Groundskeeper Willie
1. Milhouse (Everything's coming up Milhouse!)
Okay, maybe not…
And that's why Grover Cleveland is on the $1000 bill
The Kate Upton Sports Illustration Sexy Monday/Tuesday Extravaganza: 19-year-old supermodel Kate Upton became this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover girl, and suddenly she thinks she's the pope of chili-town. And I don't mind that at all! After all, all she ever did was win our undying affection by being cooperative to wet bikini photographs. That's why 411mania went through the trouble of posting every single Kate Upton picture they could find, which now sits at 495,323. Bless you website.
Rather than follow suit and post the same pictures, I'll just link to them below and watch as the tabs fill up on your browser. No, there is no such thing as overexposure when talking about her.
No reason other "it's funny and true", not that I would know; via The Clearly Dope
SNL goes Lin-san, or how Maya Rudolph helped make it the best episode of the season: Let me just say it outright: last week's Maya Rudolph-hosted episode of Saturday Night Live was one of the best efforts the cast and crew has done in the past year. Many viewers agreed. Low standards aside, I cannot recall if there was one bad sketch throughout the show, which just doesn't happen. All of the crew members - perhaps inspired by the sheer willpower of Rudolph's first full-time SNL duties since she left the show in 2007 or maybe because for some the end times are near - showed that extra "oomph" that had not been on display in previous shows. Plus it had Kate Upton and a scared Prince. That doesn't hurt.
When you look great Rudolph sketches, the return of Bronx Beat ("We're going to go to Panera Bread and talk about you") and Blue Ivy (Justin Timberlake as Bon Iver was fantastic. THIS SHOW NEEDS MORE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE) are the ones you would be proud to bring home to mama. But the one likely to receive the most attention is the cold open about Harvard-grad-turned-NBA-baller Jeremy Lin, also called Linamania: the list of Lin puns is still running wild! It was a shrewd enough sketch showcased by how impossible it is to get through a Jeremy Lin highlight reel with breaking out the puns or "Asian Stereotypes for Dummies", and how the media circus has created an untapped well for hilarious anecdotes ("Soon we battle Dallas and I will try my tiger claw technique") and accidental offensive demeanor (what ESPN did).
Uh, I mean, that sketch was deLINious.
Apparently no one from the series wants to be in Transformers 4 at all: It will take a miracle of science, or a hitch in schedule of the upcoming bodybuilding movie starring Mark Wahlberg (???) and The Rock (!!!), to stop Michael Bay from rebooting his own franchise. The franchise is only six years old and already Transformers is on top of the "Movies That Need to Be Rebooted" list. But there is good news: no one from the last three films has been contacted about the fourth film or as the way Josh Duhamel puts it:
"I don't think anybody's doing it," he said. "I know Shia [LaBoeuf]'s not doing it. I don't think Tyrese or Rosie [Huntington-Whiteley] or anybody else is doing it."
Naturally, Duhamel isn't surprised Paramount is moving ahead with a sequel considering the first three installments made a whole ton of cash. "Whenever these movies make that much money they're going to make as many as they can," he said. "[But] I haven't heard anything about it. They haven't called me."
*Duhamel picks up phone* "Hello? Is anybody there? Aw… *hangs up*
While the sight of watching Shia LaBoeuf accidently squashed by one of the minority robot characters is lost forever, it does allow Michael Bay the chance to showcase a lot more robot action and a lot less non-CGI humans expressing their feelings to one another. In fact, I made a list of plot ideas that Bay could use for the next Transformers movie:
- Robots ban together to save youth center from rich douche robot named Walter McGinley.
- A diamond heist plot, but with robots
- An emotionally charged dance sequence
- A bad robot named Dick Robo because it sounded funny in my head
- ‘80s montage (mandatory)
- Robots as synthesizers
- A macho robot voiced by Kurt Russell playing ping pong with another macho robot voiced by Chris Hemsworth
- A $800 million dollar explosion sequence because suck it BOOM
Sadly, Michael Bay will look at the list and be blind to all but one.
The first clip from The Amazing Spider-Man is not really all that amazing: Maybe it's because I'm been spoiled by thousands of other movie clips. That surely has to be the case. Because the first clip from The Amazing Spider-Man hit the web last week and, uh, it was not what I expected. Instead of showcasing an amazing web-slinger sequence or even one small glimpse of Andrew Garfield in costume, we get Peter Parker being shunned by Gwen Stacy's doorman. That's it. Thanks a load Sony.
It's even worse since the doorman is no longer Bruce Campbell. That would have put this entry in the "Right" for sure. But alas, no. *sigh*
"Chink in the Armor" probably not the most appropriate headline when talking about a Taiwanese-American athlete: There's no doubt about it: Jeremy Lin is a fantastic story – a Harvard graduate who rose from undrafted status to 12th man for several NBA teams to New York Knick hullabaloo to being the greatest sports tale since that one guy who could throw a football… oops, I'm sorry… who couldn't throw a football but still managed to win games. Jim Jebow or something. In addition, Lin's popularity has transcended nicely over to the pop culture side of society. The crossover gives 411mania excuses to post wonderful news stories about him, even if those stories involve Kim Kardashian (don't do it Jeremy!) and… oh, this story.
"Chink in the Armor" is a two way phrase: 1) a reference to a narrow opening in one's defenses that exposes their weakness, and 2) used as an ethnic slur against people of Asian descent. The way the phrase was used was defined as the latter, according to public opinion. Because when you use "chink in the armor" to describe the performance of a team that happens to have the most famous Taiwanese-American basketball player in the world, what else would you think?
ESPN has since fired ESPN editor Anthony Federico, the man responsible for the headline, and suspended anchor Max Bretos for 30 days in a similar incident when he asked Walt Frazier about Lin on the air:
"If there is a chink in the armor, what can he improve his game?"
I think the question was more of a Freudian slip than anything else but even the most unintentional of incidents comes with collateral damage. The headline deserves more scrutiny since it was a planned out written action and actually went through the editing process before someone noticed.
I don't think the two cases were intentional. Bretos has since apologized and Federico has come out to say he meant no disrespect and did not intent the headline to be derogatory. I believe Federico was not trying to be mean-spirited or funny. It was a case of serious lapse in judgment. He simply missed what the headline meant and he paid for it. Both don't deserve the "they are raycess" card but all this shows is how poor judgment can exist without a moment's notice, or in this case, several. It really all comes down to how we interpret the term and whether it poses an oversensitively issue. But even the most unreasonable of individuals has to see the problem when a derogatory headline such as the one above is splashed all over a national company's image.
This also shows how no matter what you think about the media exposure of Lin, we cannot pretend that race does not play a factor. Not that it's a bad thing since race is part of the reason why everyone is in love with the guy. I myself rather love the guy more for all the soon-to-be-overexposed-if-not-already Lin puns because I have punsanity. I need insuLin for it. Okay, I'm stop now.
Nancy Grace is a tool: After Whitney Houston died, Nancy Grace yelled at whatever ear she could find and speculated that she was murdered because Nancy Grace is an invention of the devil. According to the coroner's report, no foul play was involved. So Nancy Grace went on Good Morning America and basically did not apologize for her unsupported speculation because Nancy Grace was once an attorney and she thinks she knows more than you and she is made of goo.
Lindsay Lohan to host SNL… why?: You know all the good things I just said about Saturday Night Live? Already expired. Fill it in a cool wet sack and chuck it out the window because Lindsay Lohan has been chosen to host the show again on March 3rd. This will be the fourth time Lohan has hosted SNL but it's the first since 2006 (!). In Internet timeology, that was 54 years ago. Incidentally, it's also how old Lindsay is right now.
Lindsay Lohan was DYING to do "Saturday Night Live" again -- and kickstart her comeback -- so she reached out to Lorne Michaels herself to book the hosting gig ... TMZ has learned.
Sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ she has always felt the "SNL" executive producer has been very fatherly towards her throughout the years. We're told LiLo has always enjoyed doing the show, but was waiting for the right time to do it again.
So now that her community service is coming to an end, our sources say Lindsay called up Lorne and asked him to consider her for the show again. We're told they had multiple conversations and eventually settled on a date ... March 3. - TMZ
Lohan has nothing to promote other than a public demonstration of how she's ready to have a career resurgence. That's all well and fine but, 1) she hasn't had a hit movie since Mean Girls in 2004 (Internet timeology: 96 years ago), 2) she is known as a drug-addicted screw up who may or may not made an effort to stray away from the powder, and 3) everything she touches turns brown and depressing.
You and I know what this is: a ratings ploy. As much as we'll argue, Lindsay Lohan is a relevant name and Lorne Michaels knows it. I believe Lohan when she said she approached Michaels to use SNL as a kickstart for her career but Michaels knows just how valuable a name Lindsay Lohan continues to be, perhaps largely due to the trainwrecky appeal. And people will watch because people love trainwrecks.
But, whatever. I just hope one of those sketches has Tina Fey and Lohan together once again while they compare notes of what they did since Mean Girls. "I've won a ton of awards, currently the star on a critically hit television show, and received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last year. You?"
"I've, uh, jail."
Fans make cromulent use of time by watching 86 straight hours of The Simpsons: Do I love The Simpsons? Yes, I do. Do I love them so much that I would participate in watching eighty-six consecutive hours of it? Of course I wou… eighty-six consecutive hours??!?questionmark?
As The Simpsons prepares to air its 500th episode, fans helped celebrate by breaking the Guinness World Record for the longest continuous television viewing.
Jeremiah Franco from Los Angeles, Cali, and Carin Shreve from Acampo, Cali, watched 86 hours and 37 minutes of The Simpsons to break the record at a special event hosted by Fox in Los Angeles that began Feb. 8. Along with bragging rights, the duo took home $10,500 each and a whole lot of Simpsons swag.
- TV Guide
There is no way I could sit still for eighty-six straight hours of anything, much less for one of my favorite shows of all time. Not unlike traveling to see your in-laws or watching an episode of WWE Raw, which only seems like eighty-six hours.
Kudos to them I guess. This might be the only time where being a lump on the couch has finally paid off.
Twilight Breaking Dawn is the greatest DVD of all time according to DVD sales: In news under the title "shocked to no one", The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 has sold 3.2 million discs since its release date. That noise you just heard was Stephanie Meyer buying a second mansion in case her first one got dirty.
Released last Saturday instead of the previous Tuesday, the latest installment in the hugely successful vampire-movie franchise was in stores for only two days during the week-long tracking period. Even so, Summit said it sold 3.2 million discs, 50,000 downloads and 80,000 VOD transactions on those two days.
Not surprisingly, Breaking Dawn easily bowed at No. 1 on the Nielsen VideoScan First Alert overall disc sales chart. - Hollywood Reporter
So the headline is foamed with exaggeration. It's not the greatest DVD of all time but still that's a lot of copies. I just have these feeling when last movie is released and everyone is swimming in their pool of money, they are going to point at numbers like this so they could continue with the franchise. Everyone who is not a teenage girl or crazed topless mom will be more miserable for it.
Breaking Dawn was followed in the No. 2 spot by fellow newcomer Lady and the Tramp, from Walt Disney Studios, making its Blu-ray Disc debut. The No. 3 spot went to a third new release, A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas, the third installment in Warner/New Line's edgy, stoner-buddy comedy franchise, which grossed $35 million in theaters.
On Nielsen's dedicated Blu-ray Disc sales chart, Lady and the Tramp narrowly edged out Breaking Dawn as the week's top seller. Very Harold and Kumar Christmas bowed at No. 3.
Lady and the Tramp and Very Harold and Kumar Christmas???????
Tennessee legislator wants to ban Modern Family because OMG teh gheys!: I like to think Tennessee as a blue collar state and not as the state that houses someone who wants to ban Modern Family because the show wants your kids to end up gay. It was a difficult task but congratulations to Republican Senator Stacey Campfield for making me think that way. You are hereby declared dumb by the court of public opinion.
Before the House education subcommittee acted, chairman Joey Hensley scored bonus points by admonishing all Tennessee parents not to let their children watch "Modern Family" on television because they might discover there are homosexuals in the world.
"I don't think ‘Modern Family' is appropriate for children to watch," Hensley said solemnly after a Nashville preacher testified children might find out about gay people by seeing the show even if teachers aren't allowed to say gay in schools.
The state Senate adopted the "don't say gay" bill last year but amended it first to allow only the teaching of "natural human reproduction science." - Nashville Scene
This bill states the number of sexual preferences that exist is "1" and that we should turn a blind eye should we see the existence of another sexual preference. Because straight is normal and Modern Family is anything but modern. Because everyone should be like freeways or a one dollar bill. Because "gay" is a disease and you shouldn't let your children be exposed to it, much less watch Modern Family.
Chyna in Royal Rumble-inspired porno movie: You can't see me? True. I can't see this? Also true, but only because I don't want to see this.
Take deep breathes. Take each word little by little. Fight through the sentences below. You can make it.
Former WWE superstar Chyna is finally getting back in the ring ... taking on 9 dudes at the same time ... except it's for a porno movie.
TMZ has learned ... Chyna was totally serious about pursuing a XXX career ... and just wrapped up on a Royal Rumble-inspired flick in which she locks up with a bunch of dudes who all look like famous wrestlers ... including a wannabe Hulk Hogan, wannabe Triple H, wannabe Ric Flair and more. - TMZ
If I was to subject myself to it, I would recap it as if it was a Royal Rumble PPV.
"Ah, look at that. What a terrible arm bar. It's not even applied properly. Somewhere, Chris Jericho is hanging his head in shame. They're not even trying to eliminate each other. And… my gosh, that's Naked Mideon's music!"
Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week
You know that Pee-wee Tequila dance scene in Pee-wee's Big Adventure? Well this cat can do it too. Sure, obvious editing is involved but Pee-wee tweeted it himself. If it's good enough for Pee-wee, then it's good enough for me.
That Lohan pic is frightening. She is getting that Courtney Love look thing going on. - Posted By: APrince66 (Guest)
Everyone's obligatory goal in life: never be compared to Courtney Love. Ever. Lindsay has clearly mission failed that statement.
how is transformers 4 over kill but star wars ep.1 3D is not? - Posted By: Guest#0935 (Guest)
I thought I had implied that both were overkill.
Yes, I did see Menace in 3D, but I didn't make a scene. Sorry.
Also, I totally forgot how fucking awesome "Duel of the Fates" is! Great music. - Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)
I agree. "Duet of the Fates" is just a fantastic piece of music history, Star Wars related or not.
Last word: Did I mention I really like Kate Upton? Felt like I needed to mention of it for the 59th time.