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Movies/TV's 3R’s 05.01.12: G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Prometheus, The Hobbit, Rosie O’Donnell, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 05.01.2012

Welcome to Week 148 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.

Make sure to click the Facebook "Like", Tweet button, and Google +1 links over there to the right of the article! Support 411mania, your home for the best in pop culture entertainment news. Follow me at my Twitter page:

Without any further ado, here is...

  • 411's Jeffrey Harris does The Avengers (this blurb is an excuse to post humorous Avengers pictures): Jeffrey Harris, one of the fork and spoon operators from sector MMA and Movies/TV(G) recently reviewed The Avengers. Did he like it? Did he sugar coat it with so much glaze it makes your teeth hurt? He could have. MAYBE. Not mentioned: The Avengers has already made $165 $179.4 million international. Expect the number to increase near $infinity when it opens in America.

    (To The Big Fat F*g: I've read The Avengers is very kid friendly so it's fine for a 6 year old. I think all kids should watch it. In schools. Promotes exercise, friendship, and how to stop a fictional national crisis in less than 3 hours.)

    And now what you've all been waiting for: a small sample of the Best of The Avengers lulz.

    All images, and more, via Uproxx & Gamma Squad

  • G.I. Joe: Retaliation international trailer is the "YES YES YES" of movie trailers: There were two G.I. Joe trailers released in the past week – the U.S. one was geared towards a story-oriented presentation (watch as toy-action-figure-come-to-life The Rock and Channing Tatum compress their situation into a tidy 2 minute story arc, also old man Bruce Willis, ninja sword fights, and HOLY MOLY THAT MOTORCYCLE BROKE INTO ROCKET LAUNCHER MISSILES LIKE IT WAS AN SECONDARY WEAPON IN GOLDENEYE WHOA) while the superior international one was minimum on plot, maximum on carnage (includes extended action from the first trailer and a lot more PEW PEWs). Add a couple more exclamation points and ta da, .G.I. Joe: Retaliation. Violence. Explosions. G.I. Bro bonding, but with pistol whips and neato gadgets and KA-BOOM PSSHHH EEERRRSLOOOOPH. It's all there Has-bro.

    Both trailers are posted below (U.S. – top, international – bottom). I don't know about you but this is shaping up to be the year for a brotastic summer blockbuster bro-fest, natch.

    Umm, what's international for "Much better than the first G.I. Joe movie?"

  • Prometheus will not be cut for the benefit of a lower rating: Whether Prometheus (opens June 8) should be rated R or not is up for debate but the studio's ideal situation would be for the MPAA to give them that maximum financial PG-13 rating. No letter has been attached to the film thus far but Fox studio chief Tom Rothman made a rather bold decision to not compromise the movie for the sake of earning the PG-13 rating, which would be done to allow the film to make as much money as possible.

    "The rating board has not opined yet and it will go in to the board soon," Rothman told us on the press line for the studio's CinemaCon panel. "This I can tell you and I can tell all the fans, not one frame will be cut. The movie will be what it should be. We will not cut a frame of the film," he promised. "We will stand behind it 100 percent and if that means it's an R, then so be it, because not an ounce, not a percentage are we going to compromise the film." - MTV

    That invisible line between PG-13 and R has become much harder to regulate in recent years. Scenes usually reserved for the commercially risky rated-R flicks are now plentiful among the friendlier PG-13 crowd. Some of it has to do with how violence is promoted as an attempt to lure you into theaters and gleefully take your money. The lesson: violence is A-OK as long as there are no naughty words or high sexual content, which is how major movies like The Hungry Games (the Larry Kidkill of cinema) can wriggle in with a PG-13 rating.

    The original Alien was rated-R, as was its successor Aliens, but it was during a time when PG-13 was nonexistent. By all accounts, it will be hard to match or surpass the intensity of the original Alien franchise if the rating was any lower but the system has changed to what seems like an inconsistent tug-of-war of evaluation between the MPAA and the directors that it might not even matter. PG-13 is the new R, and major studios are working harder to snag that all-important rating, fit for all audiences.

    While Rothman's stance is a sentiment one, a lot of money (a proposed budget of $150-160 million, down from Ridley Scott's initial request of $250 million) was funded into Prometheus and success to the minted franchise depends greatly on what rating the movie collects. It could be Rothman might already know how the film will be properly rated and all this is merely a foregone conclusion. The best case scenario would include the best of both worlds – an expensive PG-13 sci-fi epic disguised as an expensive R-rated sci-fi epic to ensure fans get the most satisfaction and for studio people to not jump out of their windows over a dreaded sea of red figures and charts where the arrow is treading down. In either case, this won't be the last time someone will fuss over what how their film should be labeled as in order to warrant the maximum revenue possible.

    /serious analysis over
    //pushes clown nose

  • Not once, not twice, but thrice: Will Ferrell to once again host Saturday Night Live: Fantastic news: Will Ferrell will host the May 12th episode of Saturday Night Live, which will be his third time since leaving the show for greater fortunes.

    Umm, that's it. in lieu of an actual blurb analysis, please accept this skit of Ferrell as everyone's favorite boss Mr. Tarkanian.

  • Sacha Baron Cohen can still bring the funny: I knew little about Sacha Cohen until my ex-college roommate exposed me to his TV wonderseries Da Ali G Show, though it was his breakout half-movie half-experiment Borat that I finally felt compelled to explore his eccentric comedic past. The man certainly knows how to stir up a double latte of controversy (double on discomfort), which he uses them to mold and stage his sociological imagination. But this kind of social experimentation has a shelf life, as noted by the retirements of his characters Ali G, Borat, and Brüno. Once a hoax is public knowledge, it's hard for society to not take notice of it afterwards.

    The character Admiral General Aladeen, however, survives for the time being. Cohen's latest film The Dictator – opens May 16th and directed by right-hand man Larry Charles – is not a precursor to his earlier work but a straight up scripted movie with real actors and stuff. The lampooned offensiveness from Borat and Brüno is still present but the actions are fabricated – those credited in the film are actually in on the joke this time around – and cleansed through the Hollywood machine. Does it make for a funnier movie? Paramount released the opening scene from The Dictator online last week. If the following minute and 44 seconds are any indication, then the answer is yes. Yes, it will be.

    YES OK FINE I ADMIT IT. I laughed. Hard. That probably makes me a bad person but I did not not enjoy it. I'm not indicating it'll be the norm for the remaining 104 minutes but a good start is a good start according to stupid me. Tee hee babies with giant beards are funny. Oh man, that does make me a bad person doesn't it?

    When he's not coating Ryan Seacrest in supreme leader ashes (thus temporarily becoming everyone's hero), Cohen is out amusing audiences to the samples of his in-character propaganda, as he did at the CinemaCon presentation just last week:

    Baron Cohen got in digs at Hollywood before a late-night surprise screening elsewhere. "I thought I was going to be the only dictator here tonight," he said. "Imagine my surprise when I found out Jeffrey Katzenberg would be here." He told exhibitors: "I hope you show my film on all of your screens… Trust me, there are bigger bombs than John Carter." Staying with the riff, he urged Disney to "just shoot the executive" responsible for the film. "Wait a minute, you did" — referring to studio chief Rich Ross's firing. By way of introduction, Baron Cohen claimed to have starred in movies such as "When Harry Kidnapped Sally, The 14 Year Old Virgin, and The Planet Of The Rapes". As he told the industry audience, "My film will be released on May 16. As for your families, we'll see." - Deadline

    "You audience were all great, cats back from everyone." "I had a dog." "Is cat now!"

  • The hooker with three breasts from Total Recall lives!: Tag this one under IMPORTANT NEWS. So you know about Len Wiseman's Total Recall remake, right? Sony aired footage of it at CinemaCon and the request "Three-Breasted Hooker or GTFO" has finally been answered.

    She's in the movie.


  • The general conscious of The Hobbit at 48 FPS: it kind of sucks: This might be one of those dillies where more =/= better. Here's the skinny: the moviegoers at CinemaCon were treated to a 10 minute preview screening of Peter Jackson's anticipated film The Hobbit. But Jackson decided he wanted to set his film apart from all other films in existence since the beginning of time, so he shot The Hobbit at 48 frames-per-second instead of the industry standard 24 FPS. His reason for the slight alternation – via a videotaped message – was for the name of 3D, to have the higher frame rate make the 3D picture "much more gentle on the eyes, without the strobing or as much flicker, and much less eye strain." More like mind strain! *hits gong*

    Jackson actually announced his aspiration of a high frame rate film world early last year. Fast forward to April 23, 2012 (or was it the 24th?) @ CinemaCon, when it was time to reveal of his year long quest to the people.

    The general reaction: AAAH! Burn it! Send it to hell! (Or something along those lines)

    With those caveats out of the way, here's what The Hobbit looked like to me: a hi-def version of the 1970s I, Claudius. It is drenched in a TV-like - specifically 70s era BBC - video look. People on Twitter have asked if it has that soap opera look you get from badly calibrated TVs at Best Buy, and the answer is an emphatic YES. - Devin Faraci, Badass Digest

    48 fps has an immediacy that is almost jarring. And lighting it just right will be a learning process, as 3D was and still is. - Josh Dickey, Variety (Twitter)

    The change from 24 frames per second to 48 frames per second is HUGE. It completely changes what every image looks like, the movements, the tone, everything is different.

    It looked like a made for television BBC movie.

    It looked like when you turn your LCD television to the 120 hertz up-conversion setting.

    It looked uncompromisingly real — so much so that it looked fake.

    More noticeable in the footage was the make-up, the sets, the costumes. Hobbiton and Middle Earth didn't feel like a different universe, it felt like a special effect, a film set with actors in costumes. It looked like behind the scenes footage. - Peter Sciretta, /film

    The clips Jackson went on to show looked much more like visiting the set of a film than seeing the textured cinematography of a finished movie. While most films aim for a soft, natural glow, this had a more stark and fluorescent lighting style. - Anthony Breznican, Entertainment Weekly

    Now there's a critique you don't normally hear. "It's so real its fake booo!" Apparently the slight change gives off a disorienting soap opera-y feel. Sure, realism and whatnot, but very unfriendly to the mind.

    Some people are already turned off by the unnecessary engrossment of 3D in movies and this gives them another reason to riot and burn down buildings. My guess is this is something either Jackson will tweak later in productions with digital wizard magic or people will just have to learn to adjust for the future. Moviegoers will still have the option of watching The Hobbit in the Peter-Jackson-disapproved 24 FPS but should this new method of film wizardry succeed, best prepare yourself for the new standard of the movie experience – movies that will look like low-budget television. *shudder*

  • Prometheus: The Trailer: The Movie: If three minute spoiler-unfree trailers that basically recaps the entire movie is not your thing, then chances are you will not like this new international Prometheus trailer. If you are that person, do not watch.

    Some say three minutes is way too long of a promo and some say inserting a load of plot-related spoilers ruins the point of watching trailers in the first place. You won't hear me complain. Forget you, extended international launch preview. (This blurb is rated PG-13)

    (But that G.I. Joe international launch… that G.I. Joe international launch you guys, oh my gosh.)

  • That 70s Show movie reunion? Que?: As much as I am a fan of the hit TV show That 70s Show, I never managed to watch the entire series, never past season 7 anyway. By that time, the magic of the show was gone, and trailing behind was Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher, who both would be gone in the eighth and final season.

    There are reports (more like hints actually) that a possible That 70s Show movie could be in the works. The movie would reunite the original cast from the TV series and maybe do jokes that otherwise would not have been appropriate for the TV series. Groovy, right?

    Valderrama teased, "I can't tell you it's really happening, but we're thinking that a That '70s Movie would probably be more appropriate than a '70s [TV] reunion." - E! Online

    Eh, I don't know. I can't say I hold the same enthusiasm. Maybe if it was a Married… With Children or a Freaks and Geeks movie but even then we have to realize that the ship has sailed and is currently bedding down on the bottom of the ocean. Plus Topher Grace is basically a ghost to his former cast and crew, as he is never mentioned in interviews or talk shows. He was known to stay distant from the people he worked with during the show's run and the chances of him accepting a TV reunion would be slim to none.

    At least there will always be moments captured in clips like this (mostly Red-related all Red-related):

  • Sure, let's give Whitney Cummings her own talk show: Whitney Cummings: the stand-up comedian > Whitney Cummings: sitcom star. Now there is news about how E! is launching a new weekly talk show for Cummings because, I don't know, we don't see her on TV often enough? To think this isn't even the most hideous E! has done in the past few days (more below).

    E! is launching a new weekly talk show Love You, Mean It with Whitney Cummings, which is described as "a weekly medley of witty commentary featuring Whitney's take on everything from the biggest pop culture and celebrity happenings, to life, relationships, sex, and more. Equipped with only a microphone and her laptop, [she'll be] joined by celebrity guests and comedian friends…" - Entertainment Weekly

    The only good thing to come out of the E! Network is The Soup and I have doubts a talk show "featuring Whitney's take on everything" will help change that feeling. As I know you're all wondering, where does that leave Whitney? Well there is a chance the NBC comedy might not live for much longer. I can live with that trade-off.

    Maybe I'll being a bit harsh. Maybe this is the project that will help bring Whitney back to her stand-up roots. Maybe E! will no longer be the ball pit of stupidity.

    E! also announced a Jonas Brother reality show and a slate of scripted shows including a Wizard of Oz-inspired drama.


  • Here's another trailer of that Avengers porno you're dying to see: What? Just because Earth's mightiest heroes are out there saving the day from terrible things doesn't mean they can't have graphic battle royal intercourse.

    The Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody is Vivid Entertainment's latest spoof about the perils of superheroism and umm, superdickory, in the loosest of senses. As mentioned here two weeks ago, the cast is a vibrant bunch that ranks better than their already-$$$ blockbuster counterpart: Nick Fury, Iron Man, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Thor, Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, She-Hulk, Ms. Marvel, Sharon Carter, and The Scarlet Witch. The porn parody comprised of an all-star lineup stays faithful to the classic comic book era of yore. This mix-n-match association is ultimately the greatest chance to watch your fanboy fantasies play out on the big stage. The only difference is instead of the usual action and adventure phase, the adult-film will permanently consist of the biggest superhero orgy ever. Also, Chyna as She-Hulk, in her most fitting role ever according to that one comment on YouTube.

    Speaking of which, 411's own Steve Gustafson sat down with Chyna for an exclusive interview about this very same film. Steve is awesome. I just hope he used protection.

  • GRUMBLE GRUMBLE Rosie O'Donnell mad because Lindsay Lohan was chosen for Elizabeth Taylor role because UGH: Last week amidst the tabloid fodder, Lindsay Lohan was chosen to portray mainstream legend Elizabeth Taylor in the upcoming Lifetime Original Movie Liz & Dick as part of her 2012 Lohanella Comeback Tour (alcohol prohibited after Never:00 o'clock). It's not too hard of a concept to understand – in order to film a movie, actresses and actors are needed. Lohan: actress, Liz & Dick: movie = actress (Lohan) in movie (Liz & Dick). Movie is practically half done! But questionable math logic aside, this does count as work for Lohan and she is more than happy to partake in any involvement that won't land her in the obituaries of the National Enquirer.

    "Whoa hey, slow you roll there missy," says Debbie Downer Rosie O'Donnell.

    Rosie O'Donnell has taken a stand on Lindsay Lohan starring in the new Liz Taylor biopic. Appearing on NBC, the outspoken former talk show host said Lohan isn't "capable" of playing Taylor because her personal life is a disaster.

    Lohan is set to star in the Lifetime movie, "Liz and Dick," but Rosie says she's not right for the role.

    "Lindsay Lohan is set to play Elizabeth Taylor! Quick, what's the easier way to unnecessarily extend this plotline and make sure it's blown out of proportion?"

    *someone puts microphone in front of Rosie O'Donnell*

    "Brilliant. Howard, you've done it again!"

    [Closing line from the "Happy Days" theme plays]

    While O'Donnell feels "very sorry for her" she says the troubled starlet did her last good piece of acting when "she was sixteen." Noting that Lohan has had trouble making in on the big screen since then, O'Donnell proceeded to attack her recent performance on "Saturday Night Live." Lohan "was out and not in rehearsal. I think she's not in a place to work."

    When TV pundit Donny Deutsch chimed in to say that Lohan is "our generation's Elizabeth Taylor", O'Donnell pounced on him. "You're out of your mind! You're a crackhead! - ABC News

    It's funny because Betty Rubble said all this.

    I'm not one to eagerly defend Lindsay Lohan but she is a sometimes sort of whenever she wants to be actress and if she is fit to play Elizabeth Taylor in some Lifetime movie, then she is fit to play Elizabeth Taylor in some Lifetime movie (which I'll never see). This is just Rosie's attempt to slob her way back into the media spotlight by declaring someone unfit to play a role because of that person's "personal problems" as if it was a primary prerequisite for a movie role. Then someone by the name of Donny Deustch threw out what is unquestionably defined as ridiculous before Rosie called him a crackhead. Then Lohan turned into a sad sad. At least it's good to know she's insured – most ever to walk on a soundstage – in case she accidently slips on her own tears. By tears, I mean Absinthe.

    In short, this whole story blows. As a footnote, Rosie O'Donnell is the worst.

  • E! thinks there's no such thing as too much Kardashians; signs them for three more mind-numbing seasons: Can a television network ever be labeled as a troll? Yes, they can and right now, E! Entertainment Television is the ultimate troll network. They have signed the Kardashians to an unheard of three-year, $40 million contract – the richest reality TV deal ever – for a guaranteed seventh, eighth, and ninth season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Nine seasons! Go jump into a pit of fire, troll genius E!

    All points indicate that this is all your fault, America. Despite largely endorsed as America's most hatred family ever since Full House was cancelled, the numbers don't lie: Keeping Up with the Kardashians is E!'s highest-rated series. For reasons that continue to terrify and confuse an unsettled human race, the network's extended Kardashians Spin-off Showcase - Kourtney and Khloé Take Miami, Kourtney and Kim Take New York, and Khloé & Lamar - remain nestled as some of the network's most-watched programs. No America, that's a BAD America.

    And did you hear Kanye West has agreed to appear on the upcoming seventh season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians?! And if both Kim and Kanye wanted to get their own spinoff show they could? And that E! would need to put together a new contract and give them even more money?

    Maybe the end of the world won't be so bad after all.

  • This week in sexplot-related NFL news: Tim Tebow – New York darling, poster child for Christianity, one of TIME's 100 most influential people in the world, and famous V-card carrier. That last note is important because there are reports that AshleyMadison.com is offering one million dollars to any virgin slayer who can slay his V. Blah.

    In related news, Rob Gronkowski is highly distraught over this.

    Here is another story where a woman wants to offer herself as a reward to Mr. Irrelevant, regarded as the last pick of the draft. In other words, she wants to bone #253. Her body says "Look at me I'm cute" but her eyes says "Look at me I gut squirrels."

    Have fun Chandler Harnish.

  • Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week

    I think I can say this is the greatest 48 seconds of a bunch of pandas on a slide ever.

    Pictured: Non-sad pandas

    That fart went four deep Kenny!!!!
    Oh man, sometimes the simplest humor is the best. - Posted By: APrince66 (Guest)

    Yes. Simplest humor is the best. *slips on banana peel*

    Kim K...being mayor that is scarey enough.
    Going to a school and finding out that a kid (not mine thank goodness) tried to sell broccoli to another kid and trying to pass it off as marijuana...yeah I'm moving to canada or japan...either place. - Posted By: Rob (Guest)

    That does sound terrible. You don't mess with broccoli. Oh man, and with butter. Yes.

    Crazy birth to 12 video!

    Mel Gibson vs. Hulk? Who you got? I have Batman. - Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)

    I don't think there's a choice where Batman is the incorrect answer. But if he was banned, then I have to go with Hulk unless he was Jewish. Then Mel Gibson all the way.

    Last word: Last Sunday was the day I hung out with Ben Piper, the first fellow 411mania companion I've met outside of an Internet setting. We attended a wrestling show highlighted by the Warriors Way 8-man tournament and was housed by independent promotion Pro Wrestling Bushido. Though largely unfamiliar with the indy scene, I sat through a very entertaining show which saw "Rock Legend Scum" Adam Thornstowe defeat "Chocolate Thunder" Willie Mack in the final round of the tournament and Timothy Thatcher defeat Johnny Goodtime to retain the PWB Championship. A great time was had by all. Oh, and here's a picture of me and Ben afterwards:

    I've seen pictures dorkier before but this one is the dorkiest bunch of dorks who ever dorked.





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