Movies/TV's 3R’s 09.04.12: Joss Whedon, Ninja Turtles, Jersey Shore, Seth MacFarlane, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 09.04.2012
From Joss Whedon’s S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show, the leaked Ninja Turtles script, and the end of Jersey Shore to Seth MacFarlane hosting SNL season premiere, the unlawful escapades of Lindsay Lohan, and more, 411's Porfirio Diaz breaks down the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous from the week in Movies/TV!
Welcome to Week 166 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.
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So about this Joss Whedon-directed Avengers TV show…: We knew Joss Whedon had something up his sleeve regarding a pilot-approved ABC television project. We knew the show would be set in the same universe as The Avengers but wouldn't feature any of them since they tend to wreck more than their fair share of buildings and stuff. Rather than hiding under some coats and hoping the post carnage works itself out – known as the unofficial Mighty Morphin Power Rangers rule – it would probably be best to not have the Avengers show up and outstay their welcome. Plus they're also a tad expensive, hoe-bros.
Well details are out and it's pretty exciting to say the least:
ABC has ordered a pilot for S.H.I.E.L.D, a live-action series from The Avengers writer-director Joss Whedon, Marvel TV and ABC Studios. The project is based on Marvel's peacekeeping organization S.H.I.E.L.D (which stands for Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate or Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division) found in both the Marvel comic book and feature film universes, including the blockbuster 2012 movie The Avengers, in which S.H.I.E.L.D director Nick Fury, recruits Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, and Thor to stop Thor's adoptive brother Loki from subjugating Earth.
S.H.I.E.L.D. will be written by Whedon and frequent collaborators, his brother Jed Whedon and Maurissa Tancharoen. Joss Whedon also is set to direct the pilot, schedule permitting. Production on the pilot, which marks the first live-action Marvel TV project to get a green light, will start immediately. Joss Whedon, Jed Whedon and Tancharoen executive produce with Jeffrey Bell and Marvel TV's Jeph Loeb. - Deadline
Whoa nellie. A S.H.I.E.L.D. television show? Like Law & Order but more Buffy-esque? Maybe Agent Coulson comes back? (Only for him to die again because Joss Whedon.)
Whedon has proven himself as a talented television boss man and has worked his way to become, at least for the time being, a big time Hollywood director. If S.H.I.E.L.D. ends up near as interesting as The Avengers, then…
Seth MacFarlane will host season premiere of SNL: I like Seth MacFalane. Yes, I know, you're shocked but it's true. I think he's a talented individual who has a knack in bringing out a quality of laughs from a comedy standpoint that doesn't feel cheap or ham-fisted. The man is a genius.
And now ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty. *Cuts to Conway Twitty song that lasts about the time it takes you to finish this column*
Seth MacFarlane will serve as Saturday Night Live's first guest host of the 2012-13 season. Presumably, he'll show up in the flesh.
American audiences will get a rare glimpse at a live performance by TV's adult animation king and the man behind this summer's foul-mouthed computer animated Teddy Ruxpin rival Ted, as he kicks off the 38th season of the late night comedy institution on Sept. 15. Yet it shouldn't surprise if there are a few more cartoon segments than normal; after all, he is promoting the new seasons of his three Fox hits, Family Guy, American Dad and The Cleveland Show, as well as the DVD/Blu Ray release of the box office-busting Ted. - THR
Does anyone here even like Seth? I feel like I'm the only one. While I'm one of those ham-fisted people who thinks Seth MacFarlane does an decent job with his three distinguished TV animated series – all titled Fat and/or Stupid Man Has Hot Wife and Troublesome Kids Who Goes On Wacky Adventures – he can absolutely lazy at times. Some Family Guy episodes are just the worst. But he's also known to be a fantastic live performer so he'll probably do a serviceable job as Saturday Night Live's first host of the new season. Could be worse.
And if you think THAT'S bad, remember the time whe-
[Piano falls on me, turns out he's also a racist. The End.]
Jersey Shore is no more after upcoming season: So it has finally come down to this:
MTV said Thursday that the upcoming sixth season of reality cash cow Jersey Shore will be its last, ending frequent speculation that the network would maintain the franchise with a new cast.
The last run of Jersey Shore premieres Oct. 4, with production already completed. The network will start saying goodbye with a retrospective special, Gym, Tan, Look Back, ahead of the Sept. 6 MTV Video Music Awards. The cast will be in attendance to promote the new season. - MTV
Hate on Jersey Shore all you want, and we have oh golly we have, but MTV's cultural wasteland provided the network with an abundance of lovable characters, wonderful television moments, and all the information on spray tans and hair gels you could ever want. How can you hate on that?
Who am I kidding? We mainly know it as the show where Snooki got drunk punched and how it became the inspiration for Jersey Shore Shark Attack. Sweet lovable Jersey Shore Shark Attack. If anything at least the show can know it's better than anything TLC has on the schedule, and at least a dozen times less reprehensible than Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which is like Jersey Shore for the South. Ugh.
For the record, I liked Pauly D the most. He came out of it as the human most likely to function normally in a humane society. So there's that.
Terriers may be returning as a two-hour television movie: Terriers was one of the better shows on television. When FX canceled the series, it became as another "cancelled-too-soon" statistic. But fear not, Terriers might be on its way back to television soon enough, but as a two-hour straight-to-television movie.
He would become the most high profile TV producer to raise funds through the nascent funding service.
The show which was created by Ted Griffin, was cancelled in December 2010 after its first season on the US cable network.
However, Ryan told TBI that he doesn't think the stories "have been rung out" and following surprisingly high viewing figures from online video service Netflix, would like to try and work with Griffin to close it off via a two hour TV movie.
"I've had friends who've raised money for indie movies through Kickstarter and I started to think that if you wanted to make a 2 hour movie that capped off that series, how would it cost to make it and would there be a way to raise the money via a combination of Netflix and Kickstarter, he said.
He added: "It's a very nervous time in the TV industry because paradigms are changing but it's also exciting because in the past the show would have been dead and gone and never to be revived but is there a way to do something." - TBA Vision
To reiterate, Shawn Ryan, the executive producer and writer of Terriers, is going to use Kickstarter to fund his project instead of messing around with a studio or network. This will make him the most high profile TV producer to use the funding platform.
Are you not unhappy? Better empty out those savings and put them into the Terriers Kickstarter fund.
Howard Stern and Jimmy Kimmel do not, umm, kindly favor Jay Leno: It was reported last week that NBC significantly cut the budget of The Tonight Show, from $2.3 million per episode to approximately $1.7 million, leading 20 staffers to find new jobs. Jay Leno gave himself a large pay cut to save those workers but the only thing it did was paint Leno in a positive light. Well America's Got Talent host Howard Stern is not buying it, and despite working under the same peacock network, made it known in his usual Howard Stern-ish way.
"It's all horses**t," said Stern. "It's bulls**t. It's a smokescreen...Here's what it really means, and you can take this to the bank: Jay Leno is a scumbag. That's what that means. He's a spineless maggot. Jay wanted to cut staff. He's embarrassed to do it. He didn't want to come off as a bad guy. NBC took the hit for him, because they're a corporatio…My bulls**t meter is going off all over the place."
He would have let it go after that but then a few days later a caller asked Stern about his comments and whether he'd heard from NBC executives. Stern once again grabbed his conversation hat and ripped Jay a couple more new holes.
If THAT wasn't enough, Bill Carter (author of The War for Late Night) grabbed Jimmy Kimmel for an interview and ooh look at that Jay Leno pops up in the conversation. Jimmy spared him no kind words:
Carter asked Kimmel about Leno at a point in the interview after Kimmel, 44, had expressed his life-long admiration for David Letterman, who Kimmel idolized when he was a teen growing up in Las Vegas. Starting in January, Kimmel will be competing head-to-head against both Leno, 62, and Letterman, 65, when "Jimmy Kimmel Live" moves its start time to 11:35 p.m. eastern time — a move announced by ABC earlier this month.
"How about Jay Leno?" Carter asked Kimmel.
"F— him," answered Kimmel, without pausing to consider his reply.
"I impersonated [Leno] on my show," Kimmel recalled, "and it was the most fun I've ever had on my show." - Xfinity
Kimmel, despite having little business reason to hate him compared to Conan and Letterman, is not afraid to show Leno how much of a smarmy jerk is really is – like the aforementioned time he impersonated Leno on his night show or when Kimmel showed his brass pair and went on The Jay Leno Show to brutally ridicule him right to his chin. It was great. That sound you heard was NBC scratching out Kimmel's name from the list of next potential Tonight Show hosts. Ha, I'm just kidding. There is no such list. Jay Leno is going to host The Tonight Show forever.
Long story short: people don't like Jay and it was hilarious.
Michael *#@^%! Keaton replaces Hugh Laurie in Robocop remake: YES. No wait aw crap no. No wait a minute it's still Michael Keaton. YES! I'd buy that for many dollars.
Robocop Awesom-o-Meter: somewhere between optimism and terrifyingly non-optimism.
Lohan's jewelry hotel trailer heist: And now welcome to another edition of Don't Do What Lindsay Don't Does.
Lindsay Don't #1: Don't steal jewelry and then blame it on Andrew Knight.
Lindsay Lohan claims she's been framed in the theft of $100,000 of watches and sunglasses, telling friends the real culprit is a man claiming to be Suge Knight's son. Problem is ... cops aren't buying what she's selling.
We broke the story ... Lindsay is now officially a suspect in the theft, which occurred at the lavish home of Sam Magid, a good friend of LiLo's.
Magid also said he was in touch with Lindsay, who told him she had hidden some of the other items around the house because she was afraid they would be stolen by burglars. We're told Magid told cops Lindsay confessed she was on Ambien at the time she hid the jewelry and was hazy about exactly what happened. - TMZ
Lindsay Don't #2: Don't assume the studio will automatically pay for your hotel bill.
Lindsay Lohan's passing the buck -- telling friends she thought the producers behind her recent Liz Taylor movie were going to pay her $46,350 hotel bill ... which is why she never offered to cover the tab.
Sources close to the actress tell TMZ, Lindsay claims producers agreed to cover her stay at L.A.'s Chateau Marmont while she filmed "Liz & Dick" earlier this summer -- so she was shocked to learn there was an outstanding 5-figure bill in her name ... and even more shocked when she was banned from the hotel when the bill went unpaid. - TMZ
Lindsay Don't #3: Don't (allegedly) trash Elizabeth Taylor's classic trailer.
Lindsay Lohan insists ... she did NOT trash Elizabeth Taylor's priceless 1963 "Cleopatra" trailer during the filming of her new movie -- despite accusations from the trailer's owner.
The owner of the trailer -- a woman named Angel Alger -- purchased the lavish trailer for $50,000 in June and agreed to loan it to Lifetime producers during the filming of Lindsay's Elizabeth Taylor biopic "Liz & Dick" this summer.
The trailer was filled with priceless memorabilia from when Liz Taylor used the trailer herself -- while filming "Cleopatra" in 1963 -- but when it was returned to Alger after filming, she claims the thing was TRASHED. - TMZ
That ends another edition of Don't Do What Lindsay Don't Does. I will now express myself via facepalm.
Courtney Stodden turned 18 which means of course she was offered to do porn: No.
Here's a shocker ... Courtney Stodden says she definitely has NOT ruled out any of the porn offers that have rolled in since she turned 18 this morning.
Stodden just called in to "TMZ Live" ... and told us she's been "flooded" with XXX offers from the moment she became "legal" ... and the thought of her getting intimate with another man is freaking out her 52-year-old hubby.
Still, Court says ... "I'm not gonna say yes right now ... and I'm not gonna say no."
Leaked script of Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles shows us we're in for quite the romp: As mentioned, the script for Michael Bay's original, and future RiffTrax entry, Ninja Turtles movie leaked out online last week. I don't want to put words in your mouth but it was about as amazingly goofy as you imagined a rehash of turtles turned aliens would be.
18 year old Casey Jones is going nowhere in life. His friends have moved on. His girlfriend April O' Neal has a prosperous career in NYC. He also works a security guard at a furniture factory. But all of that changes when one night, he stumbles upon a secret underground government hideout and finds four humanoid turtles. From there, he and the reptilian "mutants" uncover a plot to destroy Earth and are set on a course to discovering the Turtles' secret past.
This script has a bad case of Spider-Man 3 syndrome. Too many villains and none of them given proper time to develop. There are 4 villains in this movie: Shredder (Here, a colonel named Schrader. God, shot me.), Krang (Who only has 2 lines of dialouge and doesn't come in until the 3rd act.), Bebop, and Rocksteady. The latter two are the only ones who resemble and act like the versions fans know and love. Shredder is given the worst treatment of them all. He's been so altered that the writers might as well just cut him and replace him with a new character. Splinter is okay, but he's pretty weak. In every action scene where he's present, he is always getting his ass kicked. - ComicBookMovie
And it goes on for a few more paragraphs. Michael Bay has confirmed the script is real albeit an older one. I am fearful of what the actual one is about. More random shots of military tanks and robots with gonads I bet.
FilmDrunk has the scoop on several portions of the screenplay, and it is just a fantastic treat. It was said to be 30 pages long. Luckily the awfulness, some more glaring than others, is contained within a couple of sideshows. I just hope you're not a TMNT fan, otherwise this might be a little devastating.
Former reality TV star arrested for prostitution: Why do you look all shocked? Like the headline "Wife Swap's Alicia Guastaferro arrested for prostitution in New York City" wasn't inevitable one of these days, right?
According to police, Guastaferro -- who appeared on "Swap" back in '08 -- was in a car with a 54-year-old lawyer who was arrested for DWI near Buffalo, NY on August 27.
The lawyer was also busted for providing alcohol to a person under 21 (Alicia) and patronizing a prostitute (also Alicia).
The lawyer has since denied any wrongdoing.
According to reports, Alicia told police she's known the lawyer for 2 years ... and he usually pays her between $500 and $700 for sex. - TMZ
Honestly I'm more shocked at TMZ's opening line (bolded for significance):
This is former "Wife Swap" star Alicia Guastaferro ... she's 20 years old ... she's hot ... and she was just arrested for prostitution in New York.
And this is the money shot the website went with:
She's more plastic than human and has enough spray tan for the entire cast of Jersey Shore. That is not hot, TMZ. Minus 10 points for you.
Carl's Jr. new uncut commercial celebrates what Labor Day weekend is all about: Carl's Jr. is no stranger to commercials featuring pretty women (Kate Upton, Padma Lakshmi, etc.) and burgers. Now you can add another one to the wall. This one features Sara Jean Underwood and Emily Ratajkowski.
Women, pulled pork, burgers, and sex. Labor Day weekend everyone!
Dogs are great, aren't they? Look at their little furry faces. How can you say no to that face? Ha look at him put his face in another dog's butt. Classic! Now look at him attack Darth Vader. So adob… wait huh?
It's one thing to see Darth Vader foiled by a cute playful doggie. It's another to see Vader not knowing how to properly handle a lightsaber. I don't know which one is considered the bigger shame but it's probably the one where George Lucas goes back and edits the movie so the above scene happens in the Star Wars re-re-re-re-release.
"Not like I ever cried during a movie except for the time I saw Toy Story 3 and the screen did something to my eyes that magically made them a little watery. IT WAS A SCREEN MALFUNCTION OK!"
No, dude. It was the 3-D.
And that vid of the kids crying had me chuckling. "HE HAD TO GO! HE HAD TO GO!"
I'm a sadistic bastard. - Posted By: BenPiper (Registered)
And doubleplusyes, you are a sadistic bastard.
If they do cast Dortohy Mantooth I wouldn't mind seeing Morgan Fairchild get the part. She's still very attractive and maybe they could do something with that aspect, maybe have Steve Carells character, Brick Tamblin I think, hook up/date her. - Posted By: paco smith (Guest)
Seconded. I also took the liberty to bold part of your comment because facts.
Morgan Fairchild can still bring the heat though she ranks behind Freeman on my "Favorite Famous People with Morgan as Their Baby Name" but ahead of Woodward.
Alison Brie...the awesome combo of being hot and adorable! - Posted By: Earl (Guest)
Hotdorable, Alison Brie! You have it!
I remember having the Nintendo Power that featured Super Metroid in it. I think it was my very first one. - Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)
Speaking of which, you've reminded me of the Super Metroid comic series that ran for a couple of issues. Damn what a great magazine.
Last word: This is my official stance on Daredevil: Director's Cut: Ben Affleck was not awful and the movie was surprisingly more watchable than I thought it would be. This version managed to flesh out the story a little more than the 90 minute theatrical release. Not to mention I found it to be darker and grittier than I remembered it. Still not perfect or really memorable but now I put it far from the hate it initally received back in 2003. Whoever told me the Director's Cut made for a better Daredevil was correct.
Back to my original point, FOOOOOOOOTTTTTBBBBBBBAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWLLLLLL!!11111