Movies/TV's 3R’s 10.09.12: A Good Day To Die Hard, Taken 2, Hulk Hogan, South Park, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 10.09.2012
From the A Good Day To Die Hard teaser trailer and Taken 2’s box office weekend to Hulk Hogan’s sex tape, the new S.H.I.E.L.D. TV characters, and more, 411's Porfirio Diaz breaks down the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous from the week in Movies/TV!
Welcome to Week 171 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.
411mania has a new comment system! Due to the sweet upgrade, the comments section in the 3Rs column – where I gather and reply to all of your comments – will be discontinued. Now you guys don't have to wait a whole week for my dumb replies. Isn't that great? It does leave a hole to fill though, whether I want to fill it or not. I do have an idea in mind but it'll have to wait until next week.
I've also done a little design work on the column in celebration of the comment makeover: new banners! I know it might not mean much but if you can find fault in Kate Upton holding an In-N-Out burger or Blue Man Tobias wearing an old school Jeff Jarrett hat while McKayla Maroney looks onward in her forever unimpressed stare, then we may have a problem and that problem is you. You are the problem. Not me. You. Cool? Cool.
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Highbrow monocle-wearing film critics may not have liked Taken 2 but everyone else sure did: One look over at Taken 2's Rotten Tomato score (currently at 19%) suggests that the Liam Neeson vehicle is bad and dumb and probably has a stupid face. I mean, sure, it's the same movie as the original but what did you expect? Liam Neeson, certified badass and once tutored by Chop Chop Master Onion ("Punch kick it's all in the mind"), effortlessly throat punches his way through wave after wave of haughty bad guys who don't know any better. That's not dumb – that's typical Neeson! You can call the film contrived and boring all you want. I'll be over here putting my fingers in my ears. La-la-la-la-la-la-la can't hear you la-la-la-la-la.
So it's not surprisingly to hear that Taken 2 has taken over (hoo hoo) the box office. But $50 million? More than twice the original ($24.7 million)? Third best October opening of all time behind Paranormal Activity ($52.6 million) and Jackass 3D ($50.4 million)? Holy cow.
The success of Taken 2 really shouldn't come as a big surprise. While it's not for everyone, the first Taken maintains a very strong reputation over three years after its release (it has a great 7.9 rating on IMDb). For Taken 2, distributor 20th Century Fox rolled out a mighty marketing campaign that demonstrated that the sequel retained the action and character of the first movie, while making just enough changes (location, more identifiable villain) to not seem like a complete retread. This is about all it takes to release a successful sequel: make sure the first movie is well-liked, and promise more of the same.
Exit polling indicated that the audience skewed older (56 percent were 25 years of age and up) and was pretty evenly split between men and women (52 percent male), which suggests Taken 2 was a good date night choice. Reviews are god-awful (20 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes), but moviegoers were much more forgiving—they awarded Taken 2 a "B+" CinemaScore, which means the movie may not fall like a rock next weekend. Still, it's going to be a lot more front-loaded than its predecessor, and matching Taken's $145 million domestic total is going to be a real challenge.- Box Office Mojo
Are you telling me there might be some sort of appeal in Neeson punching people until their face turns into silly putty? Could be! They should just go ahead and finish it out as a trilogy – which I've gone ahead and named it Taken Thrice – if only so we can watch Neeson feeling uncomfortable on the set of ESPN again. This is a man who trained Batman, fought with wolves, and had an army of terrorists after his happy thoughts but even he can't deal with the network's 24-hour Jets-Tim Tebow news cycle. Bless you kind sir.
The trailer for "A Good Day To Die Hard" is the most Die Hard trailer ever: 20th Century Fox recently released a teaser trailer for A Good Day to Die Hard, which is a slightly better name than Die Hardestest or Di5 Hard. They should just go ahead and do a crossover feature with the Die Hard and James Bonds franchises. Not only can we settle the "John McClane vs. Bond" debate once and for all but just think of the titles: You Only Live Hard Twice, Live and Let Die Hard, The Spy Who Loved Me Hard (Fifty Shades of Grey-esque chick flick version), Tomorrow Never Dies Hard, and Die Hard Another Day. Someone create an youth potion for Sean Connery and get him to sign on for five films.
Anyway Bruce Willis will reprise his role as McClaine for the fifth Die Hard movie, and looks to be about as spry as ever. There he be, wank shootin' and smirkin' like always. It would be out of place for him not to. But the best part of the trailer, besides using the Ode to Joy musical theme and copious amount of explosions, is the motorcycle chick where she does what all other movie motorcycle chicks do: whip their hair back and forth after removing helmet and unzip out of that uncomfortable leather garment. If this wasn't already a movie I'll say the trailer would make for a terrific Old Spice commercial.
Patton Oswalt + Justified = woot: According to TV Line, comedian Patton Oswalt is set to have a recurring role in the upcoming fourth season of Justified. Patton Oswalt is to Justified as peanut butter is to chocolate or bacon is to food – two great things that taste great together. The description of his character is the cherry on a three-story ice cream cake sandwich:
TVLine has learned exclusively that Oswalt will appear on the FX series as Bob Sweeney, a local constable who went to high school with Raylan and has been hired by the lawman to watch Arlo's house.
Lest anyone suspect Oswalt is dialing it down completely for this visit to Harlan County, know that Bob has a single football tale he tells over and over from his high school glory days, Al Bundy-style, while a bid to help Raylan capture a bail jumper are humorous — and maybe even successful! - TV Line
I don't see how an appearance whose character description includes the phrase "Al Bundy-style" can lose. It's so awesome that I'm going to work in "Al Bundy-style" into my daily vocabulary as much as I can.
Honey Boo Boo gets a pig heart, the delightfully whimsy James Cameron song, and other memorable moments from last week's South Park: Not very often I blurb about a particular episode on TV, but I feel last week's South Park titled "Raising the Bar," or the "Honey Boo Boo episode," is worth a post. I won't go full spoilers on it but the episode was 22 minutes of fat jokes, submarine captain James Cameron deep in an underwater adventure, and not-so-subtle pot shots at Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. It was fantastic. Along with the Sarcastaball showing, this was the second South Park of the new season, and as far as I'm concerned, the second time Matt and Trey hit it out of the park, shot it half court into the basket, threw a Hail Mary pass for a touchdown, or whatever metaphor you want to use to describe "good job well done." Here, have a taste of these GIFs and judge for yourself.
This is Adele's James Bond theme for Skyfall, and it's fan-freaking-tastic: This blurb is more "Music" than "Movies/TV" but this is much too important to pass up: Adele's Bond theme song from Skyfall dropped last week, and it's simply amazing. While too early to estimate where it'll go on the list of best Bone theme songs… no, actually screw it – this is the best Bond theme I've heard since GoldenEye and is right up there with the songs Jeremy Thomas has on his 8-ball list. That's right, I said it. Can't unsay it now. Excited for the movie? You bet! Now time to enjoy the song 87 more times.
This song also deserves a place somewhere on the Bond of Fame. The lyrics "I'll ski on your lunch if I want" and "Because I'm suave you can suck it" alone merits a spot.
This is all you need to know about the Hulk Hogan sex tape: I don't know what is it with the infatuation with celebrity sex tapes. Is it because people like watching famous people having sex? Is it so they could envision themselves in place of their shameless counterpart? Whatever it is the Internet seems to enjoy it, and for whatever reason, celebrities continue to pump out these tapes of them doing the deed, whether they want to have to tape out there for the online tabloids to see or not.
But even the Internet is backing away from this. The much ballyhooed Hulk Hogan sex tape was released by Gawker last week, and they decided to give it the full treatment by writing an article commenting on every single thing that happened in a single clip. Needless to say the link is NSFW, should you want to tread on those murky waters. If worth anything, they made it sound like Hulkamania was still alive and running wild, all night long and right into a woman who I hope is not Brutus Beefcake in drag. Buzzfeed has an alternative breakdown, with censored screenshots and captions. Sadly the only thing missing in all this is the GTV logo.
According to E! News, Hogan is firing back – he plans to sue the anonymous party responsible for sending the video to the online masses. He is also threatening to sue Gawker for releasing a clip of the tape. No word if he plans to take action on his opponents by putting his boot to their faces and finished them off with a law abiding leg drop.
As for public reaction, I think this one picture says it all:
But more importantly, what does the Iron Sheik think?
Hulk Hogan have the sex with some dumb bitch on the TV. The girl smart if she make the $$ from his bald ass but she also desperate to have sex with the howdy doody like Hulk Hogan. He worse than Mel Gibson and I think now %10000 he prove he have grasshopper dick and raisin balls. - Deadspin
Iron Shiek: Sex Tape Critic Extraordinaire. Available for hire.
Meet the brand new S.H.I.E.L.D. TV characters, the most Joss Whedonized characters ever: And here I thought we were getting all new characters. Read the character names and descriptions for the upcoming S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show, and see if anything about them seem a little tooooooo familiar to you:
SKYE | This late-20s woman sounds like a dream: fun, smart, caring and confident – with an ability to get the upper hand by using her wit and charm.
AGENT GRANT WARD | Quite the physical specimen and "cool under fire," he sometimes botches interpersonal relations. He's a quiet one with a bit of a temper, but he's the kind of guy that grows on you.
AGENT ALTHEA RICE | Also known as "The Calvary," this hard-core soldier has crazy skills when it comes to weapons and being a pilot. But her experiences have left her very quiet and a little damaged.
AGENT LEO FITZ and AGENT JEMMA SIMMONS | These two came through training together and still choose to spend most of their time in each other's company. Their sibling-like relationship is reinforced by their shared nerd tendencies – she deals with biology and chemistry, he's a whiz at the technical side of weaponry. - TV Line
Holy cliché, Batman. Sounds like these brand new characters were brought up from the generic Joss Whedon stock assembly line. I figure Eliza Dushku is made for the Skye role but I don't know how many of you would accept that casting. All the same I still trust Whedon will put on a good show with a diverse establishment of characters with that special charm only he is known for…
…right before he kills every single one of them.
Hungry Hungry Hippos and other movie-based board games absolutely no one wanted: Hollywood is going to do to motion pictures what the toll scene did to Sonny Corleone: troll everyone and everything. (In the case of Sonny, he got wickedly trolled with bullets. We're just trolled with dreadful movie ideas.) There are reports from The LA Times that Hasbro – either in an effort to make back money on the $200 million budgeted Battleship film or to see if someone could make a movie more awful than The Garbage Pail Kids Movie – has signed a deal with the independent production and finance company Emmett/Furla Fillms to make movies based on three Hasbro products: Hungry Hungry Hippos, Monopoly, and Action Man. Egads.
First of all, has anyone – yes, you there, reading this column – ever finished Monopoly properly? My friends and I would usually stop on an unspecified time and determine the one with the most remaining amount of cash as the winner. We would then throw our tokens and house pieces at them for hogging all the hotels. Also for taking the racecar. I'm always the racecar. Secondly, Action Man is UK's version of G.I. Joe. So technically, we might have two upcoming G.I. Joe films. I prefer a movie based on the Trey and Matt action figure Alabama Man. He's quick, he's strong, he's active! Thirdly, Hungry Hungry Hippos is planned as an animated kids' movie (I bet the plan is for them to be in a band, wearing different layers of striped shirts, and calling each other "Hipbros") but Robot Chicken already went ahead and created what is likely to be the better version, among others.
Just when you think it could get worse, keep in mind Hollywood is also developing adaptations of Candyland, Stretch Armstrong, the Ouija Board game, Risk, and Rubik's Cubes. All these games yet not one of them is an idea based off of the card game Cards Against Humanity. For shame.
Want Guy Fieri to show up? That'll be $100,000: Pay $100,000 for Guy Fieri to come over to your party and blind you with his hair? You might as well throw that money in the trash.
Guy Fieri, the "celebrity chef" who has become the face of the Food Network, is paid $100,000 for personal appearances, records show.
Fieri, 44, hosts the show "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives," a U.S. travelogue celebrating eateries that serve the kind of deep-fried, artery-clogging dishes that leave patrons with diabetes, towering cholesterol levels, and girdle obesity.
Fieri was paid $100,000 for a 60-minute appearance at the New York State Fair in late-August, according to contract documents. Fieri's company, Knuckle Sandwich LLC, was also paid $1500 to cover his travel costs. - The Smoking Gun
No wait, better yet give it to me so I can buy a Stargate for my very own, if they're still available for sale. I guess I may need to ask around, compare prices, and see where they have more in stock.
Eh screw it I'll just use it to buy 7267 boxes of Rice Krispies Treats cereal.
So are Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey fighting or what?: The tape obtained by TMZ from the show's auditions in Charlotte, North Carolina in which Minaj and Carey have a verbal cuss tiff says yes. Other events according to Gawker, including reports of Minaj allegedly threatening to shoot Carey, says yes. American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe says no, in the most British way possible. Who can we believe?!
I'm going to go with Taiwanese Animation's account, which has both of the divas turning into sparring cats, a baby yellow-haired Nicki point blank shooting Carey, and Jennifer Lopez as an "Ass Judge."
Moby Dick… IN SPACE!!!: This is just me talking but adding "in space" to the title makes for an infinite better movie, and by infinite better I mean woefully tacky (See: Leprechaun 4: In Space) and that much more entertaining (See: previous example). So I don't need to tell you how much I'm looking forward to Lynne Ramsay's science fiction project Mobius, or as people describe it as "Moby Dick In Space".
Ramsay and her We Need to Talk About Kevin co-writer Rory Kinnear are penning the script, which takes its cues from Herman Melville's 1851 classic about a sea captain seeking revenge on a whale that destroyed his previous boat.
In Mobius, described as psychological action thriller set in deep space, a captain consumed by revenge takes his crew on a death mission fueled by his own ego and will to control an enigmatic alien. - THR
This is not to be confused with the Futurama episode called "Mobius Dick," which is the one most often compared to. In any case, this is great – I'm all for people ripping off ideas from good shows like Futurama. Who doesn't want to see the movie version of "The Luck of the Fryrish" or the very very sad tale of "Jurassic Bark"? People who kicks puppies and doesn't have a Fungineering degree, that's who.
I've gone ahead and figured out the woodwork of the script, done in an act of four. Caution: spoilerius alertus.
Real-life Batman arrested for the second time: NO, NOT BATMAN!...again.
Mark Wayne Williams, a 33 year old from north Michigan has been arrested for a second time in a Batman costume after he refused to leave a crime scene at the weekend.
Troopers were responding to the scene of a personal injury accident in which the driver had left the scene.
"When we arrived, (Williams) was at the scene in his Batman outfit. He wouldn't clear the scene and we had a canine out there and he kept screwing up the scent," Gorno said. "He said he wanted to help us look for the driver."
"We didn't want the dog to track Batman instead of the accident scene and he was getting in the way of officers who had a job to do." - Bleeding Cool
Protecting the laws of justice – one armpit stain at a time
Mark has been sentences to probation and ordered to never wear any costumes ever again, which is about as harsh of a punishment as I could think of. Come on Michigan, why so serious?
This was during the college years when I was a student at UC Davis. I had a part time job located a little outside the campus. In order for me to be on time for work and class, I had to ride my bike back and forth. Davis is a wide open bicycle town so it was common for other students to use bike as a means of travel. That is not important to the story. What is important is that I had to travel alongside a small stream where the local ducks would hang out. One time I was biking along the main path when a group of mallards blocked my way. As I slowly went to the side to go pass them, I noticed I had a couple of them following me. So I got off my bike and walked slowly, to see if they indeed smelled human fear. Other nearby ducks wanted in on the action and participated in the march as well. One minutes later I had about over thirty ducks following me on my command. Seeing as how I wasn't ready to become friends or take over a small town with them, I went back on my bike and peddled away. It happened several more times during my tenure in college. Cool story bro.
The much more interesting story – the CSI duck murder episode – happened around the same place. A male duck had an eye on a female duck, and if I had to guess, wanted to have passionate duck sex with her. I'm not an expert on duck mating but even I understood what was happening when the male duck started mounting on the female duck. Curiously enough, the female duck wanted no part of his advances as she kept throwing him off. It got to the point that the male duck started aggressively hammering her head with his beak. Home boy was on mad beak spree. Now, all of this was happening as they were in the water. So imagine a scenario where one duck was trying to mate with other duck in an attempt to have non-consensual sex but in the meanwhile also unintentionally drowning and beak murdering the same duck. Welcome to this scenario. As the male duck was done beak-banging, he casually swam on his way…as the female duck bobbed to the surface…upside down and not moving. And that is my traumatizing story of the day I saw a duck homicide. The lesson: ducks are dicks.
Last word: I hope you enjoy the new comment section. May all of you be gifted with tons of "up votes" and virtual pats on the back.